Man, looking over man of the posts in every forum brought home one of the main characteristics I (the great I )have seen of adhd people; an incredible sense of humor and slight of hand with words.We are some funny people, I must say.

Crissy, i think you've stumbled upon another great idea for a thread, who knows if it'll continue here or if someone starts a new thread.

What is the best/worst joke you've ever heard?
the best pun, the best riddle, the best knock knock joke?
All clean of course!
let me start. . . ..

Horse walks into a bar,
bartender says:
"why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Why don't bears eat clowns?

guess?

........because they taste funny:)

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

VERY GOOD.....:) :) I liked that one....leak in my sink...thanks Misclee...laughing here...can you hear me?? from up htere in San Fran??? :)

a budhist walks up to a hot dog vendor,
and says: "make me one with everything"
:D

A guy walks into a bar and says "Ouch!" :D

that was horrible!!

i love it!

Okay here's one...stolen from Netscape homepage of today....now stay with this....even if we are ADD......:)

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health dept. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation dept.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes Major, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!!"

hee hee

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

VERY GOOD...............:)

nothing like a person of the cloth, to tell it like it is, with out being sinful.

i've got a good one
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he
had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried
about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka nest to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the
Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he
got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up
a storm. Upon return to his office after massd he
found the following note on his door:ÆÐ _ Æ

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There are twelve disciples not ten
4. Jesus was consecrated not constipated
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and hol;y ghost are not refered to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him
9. When david was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
do not say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the Cross ans the big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,`take this and eat it, for it is my body',
he did not say, `Eat me.'
12. The Virgin Mary is not refered to as the,
`Mary with the Cherry'
13. The recommended grace before meal is not:
`Rub©A©dub©dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!'
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy©pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter©pully contest at St. Taffy's.
15. Do not refer to Jesus and the Twelve apostles as,
J.C. and the Boys.

very good Andrea.....:).....and you're right....nothing like a man of the cloth to speak his piece in a nice way.....

I can't help it...whenever I see a priest with an altar boy now, I get the shivers.

okay, so to lighten the mood, let's try this one on for size.

Two first nations men are sitting by the fire, one named Cyote and the other Pony.

Pony says to cyote "cyote, I need a favor, I need you to yell at great evil on my behalf" Cyote says "I don't want to yell at great evil on your behalf, why can't you do it yourself?"

to which pony replies "I can't, I'm a little horse”

hee hee hee....a "litte horse"....thanks for lightening up mood...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

he he he.....:)

misclee,
you rock my world,

every morning i listen to a radio show and one of there "bits" is a little thing called "men from maine"
at least two of your jokes are from it. . .
and i'm thinking, is misclee from maine?
OF COURSE NOT!
you just have the same great jokes on the west coast as we do on the east!

this begs the question. . .
have you heard any "canadian jokes?"

Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

...ask and ye shall receive;)

too bad that one was lifted from "strange brew"


i've got one for you, this is old,
Canadian, American and a Newfie are sentenced to death,
the executioner explains that they each have three choices for their deaths. . .. Electric chair, lethal injection, or the AIDS virus.

the American steps forward, proud as proud can be,
"i choose the electric chair"

Nuf said,

the Canadian steps forward, diplomatic as only a "little brother can be "lethal injection, please"

again, nuf said.

the Newfie steps up to the plate, and he's boistorous and loveable, etc and so on. . . .
"i choose the AIDS virus".
the executioner turns to him quizically,
"are you sure you want the aids virus? this is long and drawn out, painful, horrible, and b4 you know it, you won't be covered for health care. . . "

the Newfie's laughing, and bowled over,
"yes sir"
goferit!!

after the executioner injects him, but asks why he was laughing so hard,

the newfie replies,
"i was wearing a condom"


yeah, and that was back in 1990 when i first heard it!

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse as well.

I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!

They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Okay, how's this one?

You Know You're Canadian When:

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than on your car.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u's from labor, honor, and color.

You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You know what a toque is.

You've plugged a car in overnight.

You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.

Djiril, that was funny:)

I couldn't resist:

"Hello, is this the Newfoundland Police Department?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Murphy! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Newfoundland Police Department descend on Billy Murphy's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at Billy Murphy and leave. The phone rings at Billy Murphy's house.
"Hey, Billy! Did the Newfoundland Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop yer firewood fer ya?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"

misclee you never fail to deliver,
Thanks a bunch for making me laugh this morning,
i hadn't heard those ones!

but you've missed a couple of key factors:

You Know You're Canadian When:

- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

- You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging

- When someone asks you for a rye and coke and a ceasar you don’t offer a blank stare.

- You know what stubbies are.

- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

-You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada" -

-You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

- you point out all the canadian famous people to any one who will listen.

- you can't stand brian adams or celine dion, and you know where in ontario shania twain is from.

Andrea: Speaking of Canadian, here is website for you in case you haven't come across.....

www.adhdcanada.ca

i think i've been there.

perhaps, we can switch gears again.

how about jokes, riddles, puns and so on.
that our parents find hilarious?
or the quirks and idiosyncrosies (sp?) we find humourous about our parents.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing, she asked?

Hunting flies, he responded.

Oh. Killing any? she asked

Yep, 3 males and 2 females, he replied.

INtrigued she asked, "How can you tell"?

He responded "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone".

:)

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at the office.

Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with his girlfriend.

He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing and smiling and singing.

What was he singing, you ask?

(Get ready, it's good)

I can see Clearly now.....Lorraine is gone......:)

joan, that is so evil, so horrible,
so unbelievably funny,

it's not even fair.

COOL:)

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha:)

I like this thread;)

We like YOU, Misclee:)

Points to Ponder:

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?



...that cracks me up!!! (PS. Thanks Joan...me likes it here too)

More Stuff to Ponder

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

How much deeper would the ocean be, if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why do we wash bath towels-aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What's another word for synonym?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on tv?

Why do drive up ATM machines have braille?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

hee hee

Hee hee!:) and by the way --

Cotton balls...yup throwthe first one out! Always....:)

A new monk arrives to join the others copying ancient records. He notices that they're copying books by hand that had already been copied before. He says, "Forgive me, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes?" The head monk says, "That is a good point, my son. I will take one of these new copies down to my vault and study it against the original document." The old monk goes into the vault to study. The day passes, and it's getting late in the evening, and the other monks start to get worried about him, so one of them goes looking for him. As he's walking through the catacombs, he hears sobbing. He says, "Holy Father?" The sobbing gets louder as he gets closer. Finally he finds the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. He says, "Father, what's wrong?" The old monk says, "The word is 'celebrate.'"


Thought I'd make my first post a joking one. :)

That is funny!! gpend.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to roadkill it could be done! LOL!

Why did the bicycle keep falling down?

Because it was two tired! ("too tired")

a budhist walks up to a hot dog vendor,
and says: "make me one with everything"
:D

Then the vendor gives him his hot dog, and the Buddhist says, "Where's my change?"

The vendor answers, "Change must come from within."

Then there was the glass blower who inhaled and got a "pane" in his stomach.

What's the difference between a Xerox machine and the Flu?

One makes facsimiles and the other makes sick families.

Did you hear the one about the school board who decided to ban the great literary masterpice "Ivanhoe"?

They found it contained too much Saxon violence.

One cockroach says too another: "Did you hear about the new restaurant down the street? It's really something. The shelves are spotless, the silverware is polished to a high gloss, the appliances gleam...

"Please," said the other roach, holding up a leg, "not while I'm eating!"

Wow! Too many posts to read at one sitting!

I was standing around watching a couple guys playing frisbee and was wondering why the frisbee was getting closer. Then it hit me.

2 blondes are walking down the street, one blonde says "Look at that dog with one eye!" and second blonde covers her right eye and looks at the dog.:)

Yes. Yes, we are.

and says to the first blonde
Yes. Yes, we are.- the pair look blankly at one another and then continue on their way.

and says to the first blonde
- the pair look blankly at one another and then continue on their way.

The Dog has one eye, instead the blond covers one eye and looks at the dog

2 blondes are walking down the street

One blonde says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
- the second blonde covers her right eye, looks at the dog and says to the first blonde
Quote:
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td class="alt2" style="border: 1px inset ;"> Yes. Yes, we are. </td> </tr> </tbody></table>
- the pair look blankly at one another

... ... and
continue
on
their
way.

what's brown and rhymes with snoop?












dr dre.....