When I started adderall it helped me, I felt better, I could do things I had never done before...it was great. I actually took my time with stuff, and I noticed details that I never knew were there before. I had a new perspective on at least one part of my life. And b/c I was actually able to DO things I kept busy and I was happy and it made me feel good. Here's the kicker...I haven't had a great life, it's been full of struggle, stress, neglect, abuse, you name it. So there I am downstairs by my self...it was night time, my brother who I'm a primary caregiver for was upstairs, it was quiet. I suddenly felt so overwhelmingly alone and hurt and all I wanted to do was burst out crying....and I didn't understand why! I discussed it with my saragote father...I see my doc tuesday. It's very possible that 1-I'm really seeing my life for real for the first time as someone who is not just looking, yeah it's there, next! kinda thing but as someone who can actually stand taking in what's in front of me and knowing that my life is hard and scary. The other possibility is that day I only took my morning pill and was saving what pills I had for importent days b/c I couldn't afford to get more at that time...so it could also have been a withdrawal thing I was going through. Any ideas on this? If more info helps just ask.

ET

ET,
I have not been diagnosed... so please accept my post just as someone who can relate to your being a “primary caregiver” of a younger sibling.

As far as feeling alone and hurt and responsible for a younger sibling I can relate to that BIG TIME. I raised 4 brothers in a dysfunctional home. I use to cry and be depressed only when I was alone. I can only guess that when there's no one that you have to be brave in front of you allow yourself to relax and your feelings/situation can be overwhelming. Been there done that.

I'd search the archived posts with your questions as they arise. I’ve found so much useful info on this forum, Here's a link to Stabile’s post that I've copied to inspire me:

<http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9786>
"We go up, and we go down, and the only thing you can do in our experience is expect it, don’t blame the drugs or yourself, and be ready to adjust your strategies for dealing with it. There is no normal life">

It's great that you are seeking help, I would suggest taking notes, letting the Dr. see your notes so you can prioritize your appt as a team.
Best of luck to you

Here's some old song lyrics that popped into my head

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life
At all

Circle Game, Joni Mitchell

Anyways I think this is a positive experience as long as it isn't overwhelming, just accept it and move on.

Thanks alot, both of you. I appreciate your input.

How you been Bubbly? Life still suck? :)

I know what you mean, and believe me, my situation isn't half as bad as yours sounds...to some extent, I think you're being taken for granted by your family. When you're devoting yourself to someone else, it's hard NOT to be taken for granted at least a little bit.

There are lots of groups for primary caregivers. You should find one, get some mutual support from other self-sacrificing people like yourself.

And yes, I have come to realize life often really does objectively suck, even if you are fortunate enough to be in the United States or Canada and have your necessities taken care of. And yes, ADHD can be a wonderful distraction from life's suckiness, even as it prevents you from doing anything about it.

To thrive as a human being you need food and water and shelter from the elements, which most North Americans have in abundance. But you also need regular exercise, sunlight, sleep (the good sound 8-hour kind), respect from other people, love, some kind of personal autonomy, opportunities for personal achievements...those things are harder to get nowadays. Especially when you're taking on other people's problems.

How about giving yourself at least one day a week completely off? Just you and someone for whose problems you are not all responsible, go off and play basketball and hang out all day?

Just writing this has given me some ideas to get out of my own depression. I hope you've gotten out of yours.