View Full Version : How to manage 'other people'

04-30-11, 08:57 AM
I cant seem to get it right. I'm ADHD, Aspergers & AVPD.
In a nutshell - my brain works too fast, I trade social skills for better-than-average in what interest me, but people scare the bejesus outta me.
Not the worst combo but bloody hard to make it work....

I cannot figure out how to make people be ok with me.
If I dont say anything - I'm considered condescending, patronising...too smart for my own good...ya know?
If I do say my dx's - I get....You dont 'look' ASD or ADHD or whatever they focus on....then they try to pick me apart to prove the dx's are wrong.
The dx's are not wrong, but the picking-apart makes me anxious and I start to fall apart which seems to make them think they're right and I just end up feeling destroyed.

Is there a way to do this? Have any of you found a way to explain YOU to other people in a fashion that doesnt scare or intimidate or mis-represent you to other people?

04-30-11, 09:26 AM
Scooter77, this is a case, which took me nearly my entire life to figure, where it's the people in your life who are the ones in error not you. It takes a lot for an ADDer I think to maintain some quiet during conversation as you have described (I think).
So, you're called condescending. Taking that at face value, I don't think that's condescending. I'd call them insecure. These are people whom could never be pleased.

I highly recommend you to stay away from those who pick you apart. They are not worth your time.

04-30-11, 10:39 AM
Scooter, have you tried meditiation in a different environment? Mindfullness would help you control your rushed brain and over time would help you be able to become more calmed and relaxed.

Sounds like you have a hater

A person that simply cannot be happy for another person's success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person.

People are always gonna be jealous since they know they want you to bring you onto your level hence brining negative energy. I agree with anonymouslyadd here and be nice but just stay away from them cause all they want is to bring you down.

I just hope you can cope and overtime, you will be alot stonger mentally in the long term dealing with haters every day.

Good luck and i hope this advice can help you.

04-30-11, 01:48 PM
I don't know if it would work, but I think I might try asking them, "Okay, just what does ADHD look like?"

If they were in a room with a hundred people, could they pick out the 1 person who has ADHD or the 1 person who has Autism, just by looking? Just by having a short conversation?

Can't be done, right? Doctors spend quite a bit more time making a diagnosis of ADHD or Asperger's. But somehow these people can tell that you don't have it even though the doctor can tell that you do. That's pretty amazing of them, eh?

04-30-11, 02:10 PM
I used to have a huge problem with other people. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder few months ago and was given cymbalta 60mg. It helped me a lot with socializing and with my worrying mind.

We tend to hide or avoid our fears. Fear feeds your impulsive nature and the only permanent way to get rid of fear is to embrace it.

Realizing that I'm self-centred actually reduced my social anxiety. People are thinking about me? Who am I kidding?

One of the best "doctrines" that I ever embraced is, "WHO GIVES A ****". I used to worry about what people think. That makes socializing impossible, because your mind is not focusing on whats happening, it's worrying about irrelevant irrational things.

Not caring about what people think is really a good thing to "believe in" and even aspies can embrace it.

One important point is that even if you made a social mistake, still, who gives a ****? You made a mistake that wasn't your fault. People will judge you, people will always judge you. Everyone is judgmental, even you, people's judgments are only dangerous when you worry about them.

When I'm in a "awkward moment" I quickly observe my mind and make sure it won't produce negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are your main enemy. I usually convince myself with "yeah another mistake, people don't care, and if some do care and judge, screw them!" This might sounds hateful, but you need to stand up for yourself when your mind tries to shame you.

I got rid of a lot of social fears in the last year, but still have little anxiety, and this little thing makes me unfocused and impulsive, I'm better socially and more focused nowadays, the less fear you have the more you improve.

that's why I think fear is a major factor.

I don't think most people know what ADHD or asperger is. So I generally keep it to myself and try to be "normal".

04-30-11, 02:41 PM
I don't manage people, they manage

I don't have friends or people around me. I am my own friend. I love exercising and that makes me feel good enough.

I don't care about people right now.

04-30-11, 03:11 PM
Don't let others dictate how they think you should act or what you should say. You definitely don't have to defend your dx to anyone. And if you feel you do, if they want to pick apart you or your diagnosis---rain on them!

You are who you are. Everyone can improve themselves. But you have to improve yourself for you, not what others think you should improve.

You be you. There are people out there who will be your friend regardless of your dx. You don't have to manage them. You only have to manage you.

A friend of mine has a 12 year old son with Aspergers. Before I knew he had it, I knew there was something wrong by the way he behaved and what he would say. He sometimes drove others nuts. But he's a great kid and I like him. I chose to accept him just how he was and overlook certain aspects of his personality. When I found out about the Aspergers, it all made sense and I went and looked up exactly what Aspergers was. I chose to understand him better.

You can't control what people think of you. But you can control what you think of you. You work on you, think of yourself as the great person you are (we are all pretty great, anyway ;)), and forget about those who don't want to take the time to understand and know YOU.

04-30-11, 09:06 PM
I usually roll my eyes at people or go into a monologue. Educate yourself on everything about ADHD and autism/AS, especially scientific information and then tell that to people.

There are some people that think I'm making a big deal over my autistic issues but if you read my blog you'd find it hard for me to make up that stuff. My reaction to them is think of them as ignorant, well they are ignorant in that area.
My sister thinks it's all in my head that I don't get sarcasm at times though she is constantly telling me that she was just joking about something I took seriously. I'm sure there's more but I've stooped listening to her.

Just remember people that doubt you have no experience with the disorders themselves and probably only know about the most stereotypical symptoms they've seen in the media or maybe they knew someone that had the same disorders in more severity. My mum still thinks people with ADHD are unruly kids because of the kids she's known like that. She still thinks autism is the severe type only. She bases her theory of communism on what movies tell her. OK, that last part is unrelated but then again does reaffirm my view that people believe the media more than the facts.

06-03-11, 10:25 AM
The best social skills advice I can give, is that it does come across as rude when you say nothing, and it comes across as self absorbed when you ramble on about your disorder. If you really want someone to enjoy a conversation with you, the best thing you can do is show an interest in what the other person is saying. Once you learn what the other person is interested in, make a point of discussing that topic, and even better, bring up that topic again the next time you see that person. Eg. ask how is your dog going? Or ask about that person's work or hobby. Once that person feels that you care about what they have to say, then they will be much more keen to hear all about you, and your topic(s) of interest.

06-03-11, 12:53 PM
I usually don't tell people my diagnosis, I just tell them things they can relate to. "I'm shy" or "I'm a little socially awkward" or "Don't mind my nerdiness"

06-03-11, 02:22 PM
I can understand why that would make you nervous and uncomfortable, and it sounds like the people you're dealing with are themselves condescending and patronizing. What makes them more qualified to diagnose you than your doctors?

ADD doesn't 'look' a certain way. Neither does anxiety, autism, depression, or anything else. If I were you, I'd arm myself with the actual diagnostic descriptions to counter their nitpicking.

People are going to have their own opinions, and you can't manage them. You can manage yourself, and how you respond to it. People can say whatever they want about you - but that won't ever make it true, no matter how many times they repeat it.

I'm not sure who you're dealing with here, but if they're your 'friends' I'd look for some new ones. The kind of behavior you've described here is worse than being un-supportive, it's actively damaging. It's having a negative impact on you, and those are exactly the kinds of attitudes that harm all of us.

06-04-11, 08:38 PM
Usually I don't tell people my diagnosis.

It seems like these people just want to drag you down. If you tell them your diagnosis and they don't believe you just walk away. Do you need them in your life if they aren't going to support you? Their negativity is only going to bring you down.

Or if you are feeling snarky you could tell them that they must be the worlds greatest doctor if they can tell a persons diagnosis simply by looking at them. That might shut them up.

06-04-11, 09:25 PM
i usually doon't have much to do with anyone who doesn't interest/compel or engage me. To ease communication, I generally put my ADHD front and centre by explaining that it is not an excuse, simply an explanation as to why I may fail to conform to some social paradigms and "please feel free to redirect me if I get off topic. I wont take it at all personally" I make it about their potential insensitivity and it is amazing how many then stop to think about the very serious repercussions of the condition or actually ask questions that are sensitive and relevant. I see it as an opportunity to educate people and advocate for ADHD, particularly if they are receptive. The other result is that once they recognize the characteristics, they often understand that there may be an ADHD in their lives. Of course, being in visual arts the potential to be talking to another adhd is exponentially higher. I don't argue with naysayers except to say that science has recognized quantifiable physiological/neurological differences. If they still call BS, I walk away. I haven't met too many yet.

06-04-11, 11:25 PM
live well, it's the best revenge

-the talmud...or g.b. shaw for you modern people