i'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum.

Since my dx in May, I've begun noticing when I do something that is symptomatic of ADD. I'll forget my keys, get lost in a video game, or neglect to do something, and when I'm confronted about it, I'll just say, "Sorry, that's ADD. I'll (fix it, try to do better in the future, etc)." Lately, my friend confronted me saying, "you always use ADD as an excuse!"
Am I wrong in saying what I say, or is he confusing a reason and an excuse? I don't want to seem like I don't care when I do these things, but I also don't want a lecture every time I lose something.
Any ideas?

People who don't understand ADD will think that we are using it as an excuse. They don't seem to get that it's an explanation not an excuse. But, I also think timing has a lot to do with how people interpret how we try to explain our ADD behaviors.

I have heard this over and over again in my life, I have come to the point to where I am ready to tell them to PICK UP A BOOK and read the symptoms of ADD and then criticize.

When I was first diagnosed I used to remark how certain situations arose from my ADD, and I got the same flack. I think I mentioned it because I could finally name the thing that had been annoying me for 26+ years; naming it gave me some power over it.

Now I hardly ever invoke ADD. People who I care about and/or deal with regularly know I have it and will smile and shake their heads when I'm ADDled. People who don't know can have explanation if they need it.

Since my Dx I have asked the question to myself and to others, where does the line start to blur? Am I going off for no reason or a valid one? Am I doing this, that or the other due to the ADD or just because? What is within my control and what is not? What do I apologize for and what do I not? Do I keep my mouth shut or do I speak up? I think this whole aspect of it has been, is, and may well continue to be the most difficult part of the equation.

I guess it depends on how you use it...

It's certainly an explanation, but are you actually getting treatment and are you really DOING the things you promise when you "use" ADD to explain?

I mean are you just having a go at people, losing things etc. and saying "Yeah it's ADD I'll try harder next time", over and over again, without actually ever even trying to work out how you could help yourself overcome some of these problems? Because if someone just says "OH I have XXX" when things go wrong, but never do anything to even try to prevent things from going wrong (i.e. no intention to try and learn to handle themselves and their problems more appropriately), then it *is* using XXX as an excuse really...

Or are you mentioning the ADD to remind yourself and others why you do these things, while actually working on these issues and trying to find ways to help yourself, work with your assets and deficits?

*If* you are really making an effort then good on you, but maybe stop saying "Oh that will be my ADD" every time something goes wrong... I can see why people would get a bit annoyed after a while... you need time to learn how to handle situations under the new light of ADHD, and it can get a bit tedious for others if a person just keeps bringing up a diagnosis every time they make a mistake, even if they are genuinely working on themselves and trying to find ways to compensate for their problems.

*If* you're not getting treatment (either self-improvement, medical orprofessional) on the other hand, then you're not likely to get any changes in the way you act etc... which is fair enough if you're happy with it... I don't thinkg people have a problem with you HAVING ADHD... they have a problem with you saying "It's my ADHD" when something goes wrong, and THEN saying you will try harder next time when really you're not actually planning on changing anything... Unless you are really nasty to people, those who care will stick by you through thick and thin... but repeatedly "promising" things you know you won't be able to (or are not planning to) deliver, over and over again, puts a strain on the best of friendships, no matter WHAT your intentions are.

I say this only to my kids....... I say " ADD moment" ..... I don't want to make an excues to them it's important to me they see some times I forget stuff or space out when they're talking to me not out of not caring about their needs but because their Mom has a brain that some times skips over things. They do understand and by me saying this I open up a place where they can express laughter or discuss how it bugs them I forgot or they felt I didn't pay attention to them.

I just said this to my daughter, answering her question:
" that blood brings you lots vein to your head" ... She says " what " with a laugh.

I have only been on medication a little over a week, I was only Dx a week or so ago. My doctor said that the strattara is only part of what I need to do. I need to try and activily try and remember things, leave notes, or if I get upset count to 3 before just blurting things out. He said the medication is only going to help if I want it to help. it's not a maricle cure as it is a help to clear my head so I can think clearer and make the changes in my life myself. I have only been on a low dose for just over a week of strattara and I am trying so hard not to forget things and be more aware, I think it's starting to help, but I will knwo more when I get oin the full dose.

ADD isn't an excuse - it's the way you're wired - like the problems with short term memory: ADDers have a smaller amount of short term memory, so information gets pushed out more quickly than other people, when new info comes in. Problems with paying attention are the same - it's not as easy for us. Medication helps and so does making adaptaions to your behavior - like writing everything down in a daytimer so you don't forget.....
To expect us to do certain things with the same ease as others is unreasonable, but we shouldn't use it as an excuse for behavior we CAN change - just like you wouldn't expect someone with a sore knee to win a footrace, but it's not an excuse to lie in bed all day.

I believe everyone who's responded so far has brought up some very valid points that are definitely worth consideration.

Personally, I think the very best answer/response when confronted by someone accusing me of using ADHD as an excuse is to educate them about why I do the things I do. I'm not talking about some big, boring, and long pedantic diatribe (of course, we all fall victim to our own monologuing! LOL!). I have found it can usually be explained in a couple of sentences. I've also found that most people are either totally clueless about ADHD, or they are totally (uneducated and therefore) wrongly biased about it.

This requires that I take it upon myself to become as knowledgeable as possible about ADHD. There are at least two benefits to doing this. (1) I learned for myself where my struggles originate (i.e., the brain-based, cognitive reasons for my difficulty with estimating how long tasks will take me to complete; the executive functioning reasons behind my difficulties with prioritizing work responsibilities; and so on...). By learning the "how" and "why," I was able to cut myself some slack and not be so hard on myself. (2) I learned how to explain my situation to others. If, for example, I were diagnosed with diabetes, it would become necessary to explain to dinner buddies (or whomever) why certain foods are off limits to me, what to do if they see me experiencing a low blood sugar episode, etc.

With ADHD, the line does blur easily, as Alexa stated. We do have to learn how to monitor ourselves much more closely (and, wouldn't you know it? self-observation is quite a weak spot with ADHD!!), in addition to learing how to detect the reactions of others (another weak spot!). Like Gregster and Sc@tterBr@in_UK mentioned, ADHD is how we're wired...it's a neurobiological characteristic. It should not be used to excuse those of our behaviors that we CAN make efforts to change.

Well put Smooch.

I've always tell my students that struggle with this that ADD is never an excuse as long as you are trying to do better. I've seen students that are content to just sit back and put their feet up and say "It's ADD" and not try to manage it. If the student is actively trying to improve, then ADD is an explanation for when they stumble - not an excuse.

David Pershing