View Full Version : The Humpty Hieroglyphics


mctavish23
05-14-11, 02:28 PM
DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblence between

the main character and persons living or deceased, as well as all ET's, is

strictly a coincidence.

Also, the Owners of the ADD FORUM and it's Moderators, are not responsible

for the content.

(Chapter One: Dream A Lil Dream (Of World Domination) :

Long,long ago, on a dark and stormy night,somewhere in the boonies

of BF Maine,our (fictional) hapless hero, L."Con" Flubbard, was having

a "spooky"dream.

A dream so profound that it would lead to one of the greatest discoveries

in history....

"AND IT CAN BE YOURS FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF ONLY $19.95."

BUT WAIT,IF YOU CALL IN IN THE NEXT 10 SECONDS, IT CAN BE YOURS

FOR THE AMAZING PRICE OF $29.95. THAT'S RIGHT: A $10.00 PROFIT."

OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY @ 1-800-YER-MOMMA"

Now where were we before we asked for the "donation," oh yeah :

Okay, so L.C., as we like to call him in the biz, was fast asleep, when

out of the blue came...( dun dun dun)... "The LOVE GOD."

That's right, Abner Audobon Peacock from the 1969 movie of the same name.

He appeared before L.C. and said : "You're going to have two night visitors

in a dream."

L.C. responded with, "A dream, what is it?"

Abner was quick to reply,"Something that happens when you're asleep,but

that's not important now."

He went on to say that LC should listen to their message and then turned

to leave.

As he glided out of the dream he said... "My threads are available at

www.pimpingainteasy.org."

Wow. Cool.

Now time flew and soon LC had another dream.

In it, there were two,count em', two visitors.

One guy had a fake nose and glasses,and was wearing a mink hat with

the price tag still attached (How gauche).

The other guy had a squished up looking fishing hat pulled down low.

The first guy comes up to LC and says....

"Allow Me To Introduce Myself: "

"My Name Is 'HUMPTY.'

"Pronounced With An 'UMPTY'.

"Allow Me To Bump Thee"

"To A Place Where It Rarely Rains,"

"Go There Quick And You Can Become The Brains,"

"Of A 'Mob,' Kinda Like Psychology,"

"Only This "G" Is Called "Seanceology."

He then held out an ancient map,directing him to a far off place;

(gasp) the sister city of BF Egypt.

Jut then the other guy in the fishing hat got up in his face and said,

in a real squeaky voice :

"INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE."

"INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE".

LC just looked at the dude in the fake glasses and asked, "Is that all he

says?"

The one called 'HUMPY' responded with,"No, he also says you're nutcase,

but that's a different dream."

As the two, count em' two visitors glided out the room, they turned and

said :

"Under the burning BF sand, you'll discover an ancient text."

"It is called, "DYNOMITE DIURHETICS."

(Yes, we know it's misspelled, but tell it to the two,count em', two

dream dudes).

LC then knew his destiny.

He also instinctively knew that his dream was filled with, dare we say it,

(dun dun dun) pimped out aliens who can rap.

So friends, there it is, the beginnings of a legend.

Now you too can own that same legend for the low low price of $39.95.

That's right, we billed you for reading the free sample.

So check back in for the next installment of "The Humpty Hieroglyphics,"

to learn what happens when LC discovers the secrets in Chapter Two :

"Do The Humpty Dance (or This Frigging Sand Is Too F'ing Hot)."

Thank You And Goodnight.

mctavish23 esq.

(Robert)

mctavish23
05-14-11, 03:58 PM
DISCLAIMER: The same DISCLAIMER applies all the way through FOOL

The Humpty Hieroglyphics (Chapter 2:The Humpty Dance (or This Frigging

Sand Is Too Fing Hot)

Greetings Earthlings

When last we left our intrepid hero L "Con" Flubbard, or LC for short, he was

about to live out a fortune cookie dream and "Go on a long journey."

Scene 1 : BF Egypt (in the not too distant past)

LC and his trusty guide and "new bff," (you guessed it) Osama (The Big O for

short..lol,cause he was like tall and stuff;never mind) were struggling through

the sand dunes looking for the fabled pyramid of Geezer.

It was called that because it was so f'ing old.

Just when they thought it was, dare we say, hopeless, it suddenly

appeared on the horizon.

There it was, shaped just like that alien dream dude's Humpty Hump's face.

All LC could think of was, "Damn, that's an ugly pyramid."

After camping for the night, during which time he had to guard the camels

from being "visited" too many times by the Big O, LC and his new bff set out

to make a landmark discovery.

There in the sand under a spot marked "Dig Here" they found it.

(dun dun dun) They found the book entitled DYNOMITE DIURHETICS.

It was written in some kind of "alien rap" that was hard to decipher.

That night, LC had another dream.

It looked suspiciously like the intro to David Lee Roth's "Yankee Rose" video,

only there was something wrong (dun dun dun).

In the dream, the Big O leaves him in the desert to fend for himself by saying,

"Son of a biscuit. My ancestors spit on your haircut."

Then suddenly, a prophetic warning appeared.

A fat actress who reminded him of a short Kirstie Alley, even though they looked

nothing alike; they both can't act, so there.

In the dream, she shouts "Can You Help Me!! My doctor says I have to an ADHD

medicine."

Gasp!!

There it is, he now knows that his true quest must be to stop these insidious fools

from "drugging" the world's population.

I mean, like really, how can you take over the world if some other mob's got them

slowing down and thinking clearly ?

It was also then that he knew he must "suffer" in order to achieve his fate.

At first he tried to "hang" with Psychiatry & Psychology, but NOOO, they scoffed

at Sceanceology and DYNOMITE DIURETICS.

"How dare they?" he thought.

He knew then that it was time for an all out jumangi against these fools.

WE INTERRUPT THIS PRESENTATION TO PROVIDE A FREE ADVERTISEMENT FOR...

US (of course) :

SWEEPING THE NATION, THAT UNRIVALED ACTION ADVENTURE VIDEO GAME HIGH-

-LIGHTING OUR HERO'S QUEST FOR WORLD DOMINATION,THAT'S RIGHT,YOU GUESSED

IT:

72 HOUR HOLD: Help our hero battle the evil ADHD empire while conning actors into

paying huge bucks to hang out with aliens and learn the secrets of the "Humpty

Hieroglyphics"

But kids...Here's the best part: If they don't give you $$$, then you can stick them on a

72 HOUR HOLD.

Have you ever wanted to put your parents, friends, siblings, teachers, or bosses, in a

straight jacket and then throw them in a padded rubber room, while you jab them in

the butt with Haldol, Prolixin or Thorazine ?? Hmmm??

Now you can.

RATED M: For "MUAHHAHA"

Only $79.99 by mail or order online for $99.99.

Tune in next time for Chapter 3 (An Alien Landing Strip Is Hip ).

Good Evening.

mctavish23 esq.

(Robert)

mctavish23
05-14-11, 05:09 PM
DISCLAIMER TIME: YADA YADA,ETC.

Hello Again and Welcome Back to Chapter 3 of THE HUMPTY HIEROGLYPHICS :

(Alien Landing Strips Are Hip)

Fast Forward To Where Our "Hero" L."Con" Flubbard, or LC was we now know and

love him, is out of the hospital and off his meds.

He is now skulking ( I always liked that word) and plotting his world domination plans.

One night, in the middle of a dream about Kirstie Alley, in which he was dreaming,

"That chick sure is gullible. I bet I can get her to testify before Congress on Ritalin

killing little orphan kids from Slovobia ? Yeah, That's The Ticket," his dream changes

and he has what can only be called ( dun dun dun) an epiphany.

This dream,however,was suspiciously like that old movie, "Mom And Dad Saved The

World."

Even though LC knows that in the end "Earth Dick" and his wife, the lovely "Marge"

foil the evil emperor,Todd Spango, he knew then and there that (dun dun dun), his

clothes were much cooler than the "Love God."

At that point, he also knew that it was time to unleash his "BS Ray" on the world.

But first,he knew he had to find a way past those guardians of anti-ADHD BS (dun

dun dun), THE ADD FORUM (What? You were expecting George Clinton and Parliament

Funkadelic?)

So he sent out his "TROLLS" to infest the FORUM.

Meanwhile, as he sat trying to decode all the alien rap in DYNOMITE DIURHETICS, he

laughed to himself and thought "Muahhaha,those stupid trolls don't realize this is really

a suicide mission.But that's okay, send enough of them with their BS bombs, and we'll

soon have them out of the way."

Meanwhile, he was "stuck" on the passage of the book on Seanceology describing the

proper dress code for him which said, "My Bling Has More Carats Than Bugs Bunny's

Lunch."

SPEAKING OF BLING : NOW YOU TOO CAN ORDER YOUR VERY OWN AUTHENTIC/REAL

SAND FROM BF EGYPT.THAT'S RIGHT,THE SAME SPOT WHERE IT SAID "DIG HERE."

AND GET THIS, IT'S FREE!! YOU JUST PAY $199.99 FOR SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

THAT'S ALL. IMAGINE THE FUN OF DIGGING UP YOUR VERY OWN BS BOMBS ?

How cool huh?

In closing for now, please remember that "Virtually every word of this is strictly for

entertainment purposes."

Good Evening

mctavish23 esq.

(Robert)

mctavish23
05-14-11, 09:09 PM
DISCLAIMER : ETC., ETC.

WELCOME TO CHAPTER 4 (ALIEN LANDING STRIPS ARE HIP : PART 2)

In This Episode ... LC Gets TP'd By THE FORUM

When we last saw our leader of the Seanceology "G," he was trying to decode the

alien rap about appropriate "bling."

Now, in the interim my lil munchkins, he's amassed a huge fortune from gullible

actors and other dillweeds too stupid to think for themselves.

In an effort to secretly draw attention away from their nefarious plotting & planning,

LC has launched an all out attack on mental health.

Even as we speak, that "battle" is being played out in the media, as well as in The

ADD FORUM.

While you read this, it's possible that evil minions are trying to slither in the FORUM,

armed with their BS Bombs.

Meanwhile back at the International Headquarters, good ol LC is admiring his new

"Alien Landing Strip."

"Whoo Doggies," he says, ala Jed Clampett, that there is one bodacious landing strip."

I bet them NIMH docs are green with envy cause they don't have one. All they got is

a parking lot. Snukk ,Snukk, Weeze."

He goes on to say,"Damn, I gotta lay of that BF sand,sheet."

Now as he sits down on his throne, dressed of course like Emperor Todd Spango at his

wedding to "Marge," in "MOM AND DAD SAVE THE WORLD," he falls asleep.

No one ever said ol' LC was the brightest bulb in the world, now did they.

Besides, trying to decode all that alien rap has warped his pointed lil head.

In this dream, he's confronted with (dun dun dun) "choices" to do either good or bad.

What he sees is an image of actress Lori Petty, in quite possible the greatest movie

ever made, TANK GIRL.

Ahem.

Now in this "dream sequence," Lori Petty's character is right looking at LC saying,

"Your Momma And My Momma Were Hanging Out Clothes," when suddenly she stops

and confronts him for all his evil, world dominating ways ; not to mention lying about

ADHD.

What he hears after "Clothes" is :

"I Can Tell By Your Toes,

That You Got Yo Mamma's Nose,

YOU'RE UGLY, UGLY, UGLY."

"OMG (he thinks), I really do have a fugly nose."

As he awakens in a state of confusion, there's more bad news at the HQ;

(dun dun dun), somebody stole the damn book AND TP'd the alien landing strip.

"Damn, how are we ever gonna rip off all those gullible actor types,sheet," he thought.

Plus, he was worried about recruiting stupid minion trolls.

"Oh Whoa Is Me,What Are We Do To? How Can I Dominate The World?"

Plus, he was worried about how to pay for his wardrobe.

Without "the book" he was powerless.

Without the landing strip clean & clear, he was truly SOL.

As the book "fades to black," the reader is directed to a little bit of graffiti on

the edge of the landing strip.

"Zooming in," one can see the following : The ADD FORUM Just Kicked Your

Weenie Asses :cool:

The Moral Of this Story : This Is Still Our House

Later.

mctavish23 esq.

(Robert)

mctavish23
05-16-11, 10:01 AM
PROLOGUE :THE HUMPTY HIEROGLYPHICS

The following Prologue is being added (after the fact, kinda like STAR WARS,

only different ) :confused: ,to try and help explain what little of the story

makes sense).

Confused yet? If not, just remember the immortal words of that great

and noble sage, Professor Irwin Corey :

"I HAVE NOT COME TO CREATE DISORDER, BUT TO MAINTAIN IT."

Now where were we?

If you're not a member, the ADD FORUM is THE world's largest

international, online community.

I've been a member since 2003 and can honestly say that I've

learned more here than almost any other resource I use and rely on.

Why? Because these are REAL PEOPLE with the same disorder I have,

or they're parents and family members of someone with ADHD.

Over the years, we have gotten people who come in here for no other

reason except to be harmful and act superior.

We can them TROLLS,among other things;but not that I would know

anything about that :D

Recently, there's been an "outbreak" of these individuals coming in here

to cause pain & hurt.

One of the closing remarks you'll see is in regards to "virtually all of this

material is strictly for entertainment purposes," which is true.

It's also directed at a recent TROLL thread insinuating "virtually every

research study on stimulants says they don't work."

That's a lie and this is a work of fiction.

For the record, many of these so called TROLLS proclaim to be

Scientologists.

That's correct,the (oxymoron) titled "religion" founded by someone

named L Ron Hubbard,who was a diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic

and wrote a book entitled "Dianetics."

This group also happens to have an alien landing strip in front of

their International Headquarters and does seem to recruit actors.

However, when they attack ADHD as not being real, and have the

audacity to come in here to spout that crap, then it's time to show

that the ADHD FORUM is OUR HOUSE.

WELCOME TO OUR HOUSE.

tc

mctavish23

(Robert)