I am a 44-year-old woman who is ADHD. I am on 150mg of Wellbutrin SR, 1 tablet of natural estrogen, and ¼ teaspoon of progesterone cream daily. My dad has depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, off and on through his life. He also drinks beer daily. My Grandfather (my Dad’s Dad) was on lithium and drank alcohol daily. No one in the family either knew or talked about why Grandpa was on it. Rumors are that he would go on spending sprees and then my Grandmother and some of his family members would institutionalize him. One thing is for sure about families… denial, denial denial.

I need support from family and friends. My family is none! See…in a family with “chemical deficiencies” their may be many problems with all of us. One may be obsessive compulsive with Bipolar and another may be ADD and the other may be something else. Throw on top of that control issues and forget it! I have read much on the computer and a few books about this “family inheritance” and it encourages me to let people know about it… they say to explain to them about it, so they can be “more understanding”…I’m here to tell you DON’T tell friends or your job! No one, yes no one! Unless they have ever experienced it for themselves they will NEVER….. understand. When you are in a bad, sad or good mood they will label you.

I am easy to talk to and a fun loving young woman. I have had trouble with keeping friendships “I feel I may say the wrong thing at the wrong time” and do…I then get worried and notice a difference in their behavior to me. Instead of talking to them about it (because when I do, they say NO… NOTHING is wrong…I then start to back off from the relationship. I am ssooooo uncomfortable wondering what I have done wrong that I feel it is best to just back off, call less, be busy. I have worked on this for such a long time and have gotten NO place with it. I’m tired of all the thoughts going through my head on what I must of said and feeling like a bad person because of it. Having ADHD/Chemical imbalance is exhausting!!! I have tried the “Adult ADD support group for 7 months only to hear about what illegal drugs they did in the old days and do now. Did you ever go to an adult meeting for ADD-ADHD we all talk at the same time? Lol. In some ways I have evolved greatly and in other ways I am so frustrated and uncomfortable with people.I would like to say I have a great job and I am appreciated very much at it. I have an easy to talk to hardworking, handsome husband of 24 years. I have no children by choice. I /we did not want to pass this on to our children. My siblings’ children, 5 out of 6 have inherited it also. I will encourage you (who ever) to be your best self as much as you can and understand that we will have our good weeks and our bad. It is very lonely sometimes when you are chemically imbalanced and extremely frustrating.

I have a had time dealing with people even my family,...It's always hard wehen even family dont understand.:( But as far as not telling anyone...I don't care myself...It helps to weed out the ones who are my true friends(the ones that understand and stay friends reguardless). People come and go but family and true friends are constant. On the job, I had to let them know cause medication wise and for those who did not understand and always criticize me for being the way I am...I look them square in the face and tell them too pick up a book and read about my conditions and then come back and criticize.

Honestly, Shugga, Never ever be ashamed or afraid to admit who you are or what you have...It is inherited and passed on to you....it did not fall in your lap cause u wanted this so their is no shame in the game. Only if you let them make you ashamed...Just my two cents hun.

I understand where you are coming from. There's a lot to go into, but basically I live in the "perfection" family. Unless I was doing something great and wonderful, I did not get attention.

With family, you are mearly a victim of circumstance. I know that probably sounds cold to a lot of you fortunate people born of wonderful parents and siblings...but its something I believe.

Maybe that's why I haven't told my parents I have ADHD.

-Anty

I know what ya mean there too, It's like you have to be perfect like a robot and it's an immortal sin to make mistakes...I grew up in that kinda house..I just rebeled*evil grin*

I don't make friends easy either. I'm always wondering, 'Am I saying something stupid? , Why don't they call me more often??.

I'm not good at small talk. (made dating miserable!! ) Thankfully my husband is a talker and when we were dating made it much easier.

I would say I only have 2 close friends and we only get together once or twice a month.

Denise

Pat, I know what your saying....I really do. I hear stories upon stories about my Dad's side of the family. I have ADHD and I inherited from Dad. The stories about Dad's side of the family are exiting! They are fun people in my opinion.

My Mom says listening to me is exiting. Sad sometimes...maddening sometimes....crazy at times...then she is like...where is Dani? There is no exitement this week. I am worried about her. Where is she? Then my Mom say's it happens all over again. I have apologized to her more than once. She always replies, "Now what would life be like without Dani?"

And like Triple. I feel like people think I am weird. I don't make friends easy at all. When I talk it seems like I am weird. No, the people I am talking to are weird! Right? Right!

I have more, but this is just a sample.

I have a hard time making friends, especially female friends. I don't even know why. Its like people like me at first and then they start to not call or not want to hang out.

When I was in elementary school, Id wonder why none of the girls wanted to be my friend. My mom would always say its because I was a "leader" not a "follower". And she was kind of right. (Shes ADD too) I did not like the little cliques and the whispering and secrets, snobbery and all the stuff little girls do.

And you know what? Most adult women are still like that. Probably why I don't have many female friends. My best friend is an ADD female and shes the most real person I know.

Trust me, there are great people out there. They are just harder to find than not. But you'll know who they are when you discover them.

When I become friends with someone, I don't usually tell them Im ADD until were established as friends. And maybe I dont tell them. Real friends like you just the way you are. And then when I finally tell my friends, theyre like, "Duh? I already figured.."

I have exactly 2 good friends and alot of aquaintences. My friends understand and help me cope with it, the rest of the people deal with me in small doses. It's ok with me though. I tend to get frustrated and sometimes when I get really bad, I wonder why people even bother to come around if their going to be uncomfortable.

From my experience, a lot of times after 'we' finish talking to someone, no matter who it was and how big the talk was, tend to think too much about what we said and have this feeling of saying too much or saying something out of place. I've experienced it, I've heard about it, and now I see it again. So I try to tell myself every time I go to thinking that, that's that what always happens, and usually it's just my own private feeling which is based on nothing in reality, really. And that just as well might be the case with you too, especially that you said that the people you asked say themselves there's nothing wrong. I could be wrong, but I also could be right, can't I?

But what really stood out for me in you message (and that means Patjpg, if I remember the last 3 letters correctly) is the fact that you didn't want to have children because it didn't want to pass it on to them. And another thing I've learned (through very good friends) is that if you don't make such a big deal out of it, others won't either. Most people don't know so much about ADD anyway, and besides, the way I've worked it out is that my faults are my faults, and if sometimes I behave a certain way I say "I am like that", because it's true, it does'nt really matter if it's ADD or some other gene, it's still me and how I behave. You yourself said many things that make you a great person, so how can you not want kids that would have your qualities? we all have our faults! I still don't have any, but one these days I will, and yes, having ADD can be problematic sometimes, but a lot of other people have personal faults, physical faults, I don't really know one person who's 100% happy with the things they were born with. But you see, if you have so many good qualities, ADD is a part of what makes you who you are. And I truly believe that. And I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm trying to educate you or something, because I really don't, but I was just trying to bring some things from my point of view.

cheers!

I'm right there with you. I'm 43 and just got diagnosed with adhd. I have an 8 yr old daughter with adhd and a huband who is add. I now understand why I have had problems making and keeping friends. And, like you i was always wondering what I did to make someone back off from me. I really hate that it took me this long to figure it all out. I am on adderal and it's making the biggest difference in the way I handle myself in all aspects of my life. I'm not screaming and yelling at my daughter, which is definiatly not how to deal with an adhd child. My relationship with my husband is much better and life in general is alot better. I'm able to get things done and I just feel better:cool: .
I found this forum and I knew God led me to it. I read all the stories and it's amazing, I feel like I'm reading about myself.
Please email me and we'll chat...thanks/Kathi

It's weird, I have a lot of friends, I appear to be very social, but I don't really feel a connection with most any of them. I feel like a faker most of the time, or that I am searching for humanity so much that I force myself to be this social butterfly looking for human contact, some connection and understanding, but I often am left feeling empty, detatched, or uninvolved although it appears that we have a "friendship". I have always been this way, even as a little kid.

I have many aquaintances, but only 3 or 4 real friends.


opps wrong area ....... sorry .......

That's how I am too. (hahaha, I think it should be okay for you to post in this area!)



I have many aquaintances, but only 3 or 4 real friends.


opps wrong area ....... sorry .......

It's really hard to make friends. I never can give good feedback to people. My mind is always blank when I try to respond to people. I think, I think too much when it comes to basic human interaction. Except for those whom I have already grown close to and they think I'm really great but they don't understand why I'm not happier and don't have more friends.

omg- another topic where I feel part of the group. I don't have a lot of friends; don't make them easily. And that little inner demon is always wondering if I said or did the wrong thing, and while I know I am not interesting enough to hold everyone's attention 24/7, I always end up wondering if they are talking about the last stupid thing (in my mind) I did. It always makes me feel alienated and like I'm moving in a bad dream.

I don't have a lot of friends. I know a lot of people that I have met through various life experiences. I call on them for assistance for other people--job or business referrals. As to those that I consider my friends, they number about 5. But, there is still a disconnect with them. I don't openly share my innermost feelings. The few times that I have, in my opinion, my feelings have been dismissed, with comments like "you'll handle it."

I also find it difficult to connect with people. Usually, I am not interested in the conversation. When I meet someone and they are talking about what to me seems uninteresting, or small talk...I zone out. I then decide they are boring and make no effort to stay connected.

Damelle

I need to follow this line of thought yet it is just so hard to "sit with it", though, because it triggers so much sadness. I find it hard to even read all of the comments. My heart is so ..... I can't even express my regret, my emptiness. All I can do is cry....I am so full of tears and I just don't know what to do, where to go with all of this. I have lost my voice. I feel like a truant I know what you are saying, deeply and completely.

After I talk to anyone....I start analyzing everything I've said....if it sounded alright...if it offended them.....did that come out right?.....oh...I hope that didn't **** them off....it must have made them mad....oh, they're mad at me for saying that....
that's pretty much how it goes. I also feel like people like me most of the time at first...then I feel like I annoy them, and I feel like they give me signs that they don't want to hang around me. They don't call, or they don't wave, or whatever. I feel like I have 2 good friends that I see 2-3 time a month. Does anyone else have these feelings?
I have 2 sons that are ADHD, I'm ADD, my mom is undiagnosed ADD, and my husband is a big time undiagnosed ADD(even though i havent' talked about him about his add).

Yes!!!
All the time I think that, do that too much thinking analysing conversations.

I have many acquaitences, very few freinds and the ones I call friend happen to be add also. I guess it's because of the connection in the mind. Not having to explain yourself when you don't know how. They always say they know what I mean when I'm tounge twisted. I am a observer of human nature and I can tell when someone acts like they are interested in what I'm saying or just acting like they do, Because I am pretty. I use to swear I was going to shave my head( I have long curly hair) and ware nothin but overalls, so you would see what was in my mind. I try not to over analize and overwhelm people when they first meet me. I can't help how I think and what I see, I am in constant thirst for knowledge and comunication with others is one of the best learning tools. Most people just want to float threw life in a fog. Not me, so those with me in my way of thinking, I let in my circle. Those who aint I keep them outside my circle. Those who make fun of me, well vengence is mine sayith the Lord. right?

Sorry, had to leave mid post, but post anyway because I think this thread is so very important.

This feeling everyone is discribing is the reason why I went for diagnoses. I have very few friends and I get very lonely. I am forever analyzing conversations, thinking too much, going back to old conversations and straightening them out, thinking that I am weird and that no one wants me around. Maybe I am too intense? Maybe I seem disconnected? Do I seem uncaring when in fact I care too much? Do I care too much? I know I forget stuff which others think is important...

WHAT IS IT!!!??? Arrgh!:confused:

Is there a solution? Do meds help with this? Maybe I need more ADD friends who "get" weirdness? (sigh)

I am so glad that this forum is here.

That fits me to a T. I think sometimes "I do care too much". I always want someone to like me and most of the time I believe I overwhelm them with my trying to win them over as friends. I have been told in the past 2 romantic relationships that I care too much and I try to hard; and that scares them away.

I don't understand that but nowbeing diagnosed recently -- I wonder....Do I care to much? I think not..I am a caring person and I want to be treated like I would like to be treated. I have very few friends and it has always been this way..but can you love and care too much??? I honestly don't think so. Anybody else have a comment on this issue?

I felt like i was reading about me! I've been told MANY times that I overanalyze things, that I'm a worry-wart, and I try to win "friends" over too by doing anything for them.....going way out of my way to do anything for them. And then if they even breath a different way I instantly think they must be mad at me, or frustrated with me, or tired with me....whe logically I think to myself it could be something totally different...they got a speeding ticket that day or whatever. But I'll still analyze every conversation between us, and everything I've done etc. I drive myself crazy with this. especially at night when I can't sleep. So yes,,,,I totally know how you feel.

HOLY COW! I WAS READING ABOUT ME! Ha!ha! I just scrolled up a few posts and realized I posted a post. ugh! sorry about the repeat!

I have the same "paranoid" fears of people being angry with me or not liking me. But another thing that seems to interfere with making friends is... small talk is so ******* boring. I think you have to suffer through small talk in order to develop a friendship, and I just don't do small talk very well.

I cannot bear to sit thru conversations about TV shows (actually, I don't get cable, so I haven't seen most shows that people discuss). Talk about the latest fashions? I don't even notice fashion trends until the trend has already come & gone. Famous people? I cannot remember their names & I have no idea who starred in what movie ...there's no way I can keep up with celebrity gossip. I once had a psychologist suggest that I make an effort to watch fad TV shows, read People magazine, etc ...to do this as a kind of "homework" to help me relate better with my co-workers. But I've got so much other stuff to worry about...

And then there's the whole issue of meeting people. I am a "homebody". Pretty much the only people I interact with are co-workers. I have taken a few "adult ed" classes thru the town rec center, and I've made "friendly aquaintences" there, but we only socialize during the classes (mainly cooking classes, so it's not like we're chatting away while the teacher is trying to teach).

I also find it really hard to make female friends. It's only with the rare girl that I don't feel like an entirely different species. All (three) of my female friends are ADD, not including my roommate (if we weren't stuck together in Res it's unlikely we would have ever been friends, we're very different, but she's also a "real" person) and they seem so much more natural and real than most girls.

It's hard to put my finger on what it is about the other girls that makes me feel so different, but it's been that way forever. I have lots of guy friends, and I'm not an unfeminine person, I'm interested in fashion and interior design and that stuff, not to say that those aren't "masculine" traits, but they're more what's considered traditionally female.

Me too. I feel sad tonight about friends. I always wonder after, I go over conversations, what did I say? Maybe I talked about myself too much, maybe I didn;t seem interested enough (I am interested, but I think I don;'t show it?) It feels like I am always the one doing the calling, inviting, if I don't do it, it nver comes back & I don't know why. Hurts. Lonely. Wish I was better at it. Why? Do I want too much?

So many people are posting that they have lots of acquaintances but only a few close friends. Am I the only one who thinks this is a good thing?
I have a huge circle of friends. But I have only 10 or so people who I feel totally close to. And I like to keep it that way. I don't think people are meant to have 85 best friends. That's unatural. That's a lot of birthday cards! haha
I think you only need to worry when you have no friends or acquaintances. You need someone to be able to count on no matter what.
I certainly don't believe that the only people who can understand me are other people with ADD. In fact, the few friends I have told of my recent diagnosis are educating themselves to better understand me. That's a true friend!
No judgments, only concern.
I guess I consider myself lucky. Now, if I could only find a guy who was that way...:-)

Yeah. Well.
I have a few aquaintances and maybe 3-4 friends, some of whom I don't hear from for weeks or months. The other day I was upset and wanted someone to talk to, but there was no one I felt that I could "bother" with my problems.
Pathetic, eh.
Well, the problem was solved by the next week, but it would have been nice to feel that I had a friend who I could just drop in on. I am more than willing to do the same for them, but no one comes to me either.
Maybe I feel that I shouldn't inflict my problems on my friends? I dunno. Still feel sad about it though.
The same applies when something good happens and I want to sing about it. Who do I call? Who would even care? Is this just me?
Maybe I think too much.

Cubfan- I'd be quite content to have 10 close friends. But I only have one close friend. I can talk to her about absolutely anything ...unfortunatley she moved clear across the country, so I rarely get to see her. Everyone else is just an acquaintance.

I had friends in college who I used to be close to. Pretty much we're down to just sending each other xmas cards. This is my fault. I haven't made the effort to keep things up. Heck, half the time I don't even manage to send out xmas cards to them. But I still think about them, wonder what they're up to, recognize situations/events that they would have found amusing, etc. I don't know why I don't put in the effort to maintain friendships. Feels like I'm struggling so hard just to keep afloat that I just don't have the time or energy to put the work into developing & maintaining friendships.

Gingagirl, I know exactly what you're saying. I never used to make much of an effort to keep up to date with my friends either. I used to think it was because I was selfish but now I know it's because we're grown up (I've had the same friends for over 20 years) and have other responsibilities. Most of my friends have husbands and kids and are very busy. But when we talk or get together (which is rare), it's like no time has passed. My girlfriends and I always say "We pick up where we left off". My friends are non-ADD but they fail to keep in touch too. It's not just us ADDers. Contact is a two way street. But I know if I called them in the middle of the night, they'd be there for me. (maybe not physically, but at least mental support)
That's why I LOVE email. Every couple of weeks or so, I drop an email to my friends to say hi and how ya doin. I hate talking on the phone! And I'm a girl, can you believe it! haha
Try getting the emails from your college friends and see how that goes.
I love it because it requires so little effort.
To make you feel better: I bought my xmas cards 3 months ago, had my list of addresses, and STILL didn't mail them! Now that's bad! But they're not filled out so I can save them for next year. Yeah, right!(If I can find them next year)
Chances are, I'll have to buy new ones that I won't send. haha
I am the queen of never-sent cards. I have so many bday cards that I forgot to send it's ridiculous. 100% intention, 0% follow through. That's me. I seem to be thoughtful only in theory. How sad. :-)
Make your new year's resolution to find your college friends' email addresses. That's an easy one!
Take care. Have a wonderful holiday!

Cubfan-

The whole card thing is one of the many things about my behavior that is sending me over the edge lately!

I still have cards...purchased in the 70's, mind you...ex:

1."Dude, you are a jerk" cards....
2."Can't remember what happened last night, but I bet it was fun" cards....
3."Congratulations, nephew...you're 3 years old!" cards...
4. Scariest Halloween card..."Dukakis Wins!"

The thing is-

I've been married, sober, the nephew in question is 18, now...and no one even remembers who Dukakis is!

So I go through the whole beat myself up routine-you know-

1.So sad those people I meant to send those cards to never heard from me
2.What a waste of time and money spent on cards never sent/I'm such a loser
3.Worse now-the house is a nightmare full of unsent, unfinished, unfindable stuff
4.If I was "smart", I'd have a garage sale and sell all this stuff-

but not only am I not "smart"...I'm too "lazy" and "disorganized" to do anything about anything...

And that is a ritual I practice many times, all year long, for at least 30 years now...let alone the whole Christmas card fiasco...

So I'm with the person who mentioned e-mail as the way to go, at least for me...(sorry, friends, about the downbeat message...I'm having a really hard time right now...)

Hi.
I really wish there was some way to get objective feedback on my interactions. As soon as I open my mouth, I mess things up. I still can't believe I've made it this far.

I wonder if there's some kind of finishing school, where they teach you basic social skills?

Can't tell if I am really a total jerk/evil person, or this is just part of ADD. Can't believe i've lived in this town for 3 years and the only friend left is my boyfriend. I'm not sure what I did . . .

Waiting too long to call? It's possible. Or all the parties I intended to go to but backed out at the last minute, from anxiety. So, now i feel a little hopeful, (and medicated) and dysfunctional, and lonely.

I keep trying to gauge the + and -

am i contributing enough good to counter the negative i must be spreading? i swear, i'm a pretty upbeat kind of person, but when i called the last 2 girls I counted as possible friend material, and never heard back, i wonder what the hell kind of person i am anyway.

I've had the same bad luck. I've got my boyfriend and that's about it. I've been in the same town, school for three years and still don't have any close girlfriends I can go out and have fun with. And when I do have the oppurtunity to make friends I try to be outgoing but sometimes it's hard to find the right things to say. I think I'm just misunderstood. Right now I'm really wishing I could blow off my boyfriend and have a girls night out but you actually need friends to do that.

I understand where you are coming from. There's a lot to go into, but basically I live in the "perfection" family. Unless I was doing something great and wonderful, I did not get attention.
When I was doing something great wasn't the only time I got attention, but it sure was when I got the most attention. And until recently (once I got past puberty) I gave my family plenty to be proud about. These days though I'm just a scattered mess. It's hard to get them to believe or understand how hard it is for me to do even ordinary things like mail a package (too many steps involved). Even though it's gotten a lot worse with perimenopause, even before that I think I spent a lot of my life trying to pull off being "normal" but feeling like I was just holding on by my fingernails.

It's hard to be friends, because I'm not organized enough to plan stuff and having someone over to my totally messy house is too embarassing. So I've been here two and a half years and have zero close friends, even though several people have acted like they might like to take it to the next level. Gets pretty lonely.

Scattered

Hi,

This is my first post and I'm so excited to know what it is that I have and that I'm not just a miserable person!!!! I have a couple questions regarding ADD/ ADHD since I'm not seeing a psychologist until Monday maybe ya'all can help.

Keeping friends is one of the many things I have had a problem with ever since I can remember. Especially girlfriends. when I fell in love with my husband I guess all of my focus went to him and I couldn't focus on keeping my girlfriends in the picture. That's horrible, I know, and I have never been able to balance friendships. I seem to also have an odd phone phobia where I hope to get answering machines and dread returning calls even though I care about them. It's almost as if I'm just hoping to get their machine so I can say I did my part and then the ball is in their court...does this make sense to anyone?sooooo My first question is if Meds help with this. My next question is if any of you feel everything has to be perfect before you try to meet people. I feel I have to get down to a tiny clothing size, makeup perfect, hair, clothes looking great before anyone would want to be seen with me or think I'm cool (for lack of a better word) enough to hang out with. I have so many, many questions but I'll leave it at that for now. Thanks for any help you can give.

Afraid I don't have any answers for you (I'm new here too and just trying to get a handle on all this). You're definately not alone in your feelings and experience. I was just invited to a friends house for lunch yesterday (our first invite in over a year). I was really excited to go and had a great time, except for the fact that her house was so nice and so perfect that I'm embarassed to ask her over. Don't know quite what to do. Even if I get it excellent for me, it will still be FAR below her standards.:( I don't know maybe I need to swallow my pride and just do the best I can. I think I'll bring it up with my counselor this week.

Scattered

(((I am easy to talk to and a fun loving young woman. I have had trouble with keeping friendships “I feel I may say the wrong thing at the wrong time” and do…I then get worried and notice a difference in their behavior to me. Instead of talking to them about it (because when I do, they say NO… NOTHING is wrong…I then start to back off from the relationship. I am ssooooo uncomfortable wondering what I have done wrong that I feel it is best to just back off, call less, be busy. I have worked on this for such a long time and have gotten NO place with it. I’m tired of all the thoughts going through my head on what I must of said and feeling like a bad person because of it. Having ADHD/Chemical imbalance is exhausting!!! )))

This is sooooooooooo me!!!! And you're right...it is exhausting and frustrating and isolating. UGH!

I know exactly what you mean about analyzing everything to see if you said something they took badly. It's very exausting. I guess that's why even though I have the ability to go to parties, social functions and such and mingle and appear relaxed and outgoing, I don't enjoy it. It's to much like work, because I'm always scanning the environment. I never want to be a bother. However, that same scanning and being attuned skill served me well as a counselor. So like most things, there's an up side and a down side.

Scattered

see, I on the other hand, appear very social, and I meet people easily, but I can't keep a friend for long. My life is constantly on the rocks, and people tend to perceive me as a loser, or someone with really bad luck. When I'm down, there is only really one person I can turn to, and funny enough, he is my ex-boyfriend. Girls don't really like me for long because I hate shopping, unless its for books, don't do small talk, and have more guy friends than girls. Its been that way all my life so far. All my shrinks told me that I probably intimidate them because I am pretty, smart, and a bit needy. Dunno, sometimes I just feel so lonely :(

So then you just have to dress down, dumb down, and don´t put your needs on display;-)

I think that shrinks should be able to come up with better answers than that.

In my opinion it would be better if the therapist could teach one how to protect oneself from people who feel intimidated just for you being who you are. That´s really not good for your selfesteem to receive that kind of feedback.

You´re not alone.

I have the same issues and am therapy over it right now. It's actually why I'm getting help for the first time with my ADHD. I can attract people, be very funny, but get very anxietized in one on one conversations that require I listen or know appropriate responses. I obsess over an error.

When I was younger I always thought I was doing things wrong to provoke people's expressions, body language etc. that indicated bad mood. I got a lot better with age and don't assume it's my fault anymore. If it's getting to the point I do feel it's about me, I ask. Sometimes though, I've been taking bullying because I'm not cluing in that it is personal. The thought crosses my mind but I think "nah...I'm just being paranoid". Until it starts to escalate and I realize I have to address it. If it is a situation where it's personally directed towards me, I can be a wreck obsessing over it. It's like a situation that has to be resolved immediately so I can free my thoughts of it.

I've thought a lot about this stuff and seen several therapists over the years. They actually think the way I look at relationships is rather healthy. I just get stuck because that would mean that majority have unhealthy relationships and I think nature would do better than that.....so I'm missing something somewhere.

I feel like the lonliest person on the freaking planet.

After struggling for many years with adhd....I finally realized.... why is it that we are the "weird" ones? It seems to me that people with "imbalances" seem to be the most sane people in the world.......maybe we are the normal ones after all.....modern society has tried to condition us to conform to this zombie like state that everyone else is in...unfortunately we are to smart to fall for that ****.....it is true that people with add/adhd/depression/anxiety......on average have a higher IQ.....maybe we are just the ones who havnt given in yet to the BS our brains are being zapped with by the "general population"

After struggling for many years with adhd....I finally realized.... why is it that we are the "weird" ones? It seems to me that people with "imbalances" seem to be the most sane people in the world.......maybe we are the normal ones after all.....modern society has tried to condition us to conform to this zombie like state that everyone else is in...unfortunately we are to smart to fall for that ****.....it is true that people with add/adhd/depression/anxiety......on average have a higher IQ.....maybe we are just the ones who havnt given in yet to the BS our brains are being zapped with by the "general population"

Yes, sometimes, I feel like if I just acted like "everyone esle" (other women in my class) then i wouldnt have any issues with feeling lonley or making friends. But, I cant. Im not interested in gossiping about people behind their back as soon as they leave the class room, or what my dog did this morning. Im not interested in getting the SAME haircut that EVERYONE in the class room has (Posh Spicy/Riahnna). I dont listen to the same music that everyone else does. Its a love-hate relationship. I LOVE being different but at the same time, I hate it because it sets me appart from everyone else. This is LONELY! and Also, everyone judges me. I laugh at stupid stuff all the time but dont laugh at the lame borring jokes that other people tell. Im not trying to judge them, just a little frustrated.

Guys I hope I can help you out with my post!

I am ADHD/Inattentive and also diagnosed with depression. I do not cook, I do not clean, I despise talking on the phone, and I don't think I've sent a Christmas card in my life.

I'm 30 and married and I have very few female friends. Most of my friends are guys. I cannot stand small talk. I don't like kids and I don't want to talk about them. I also hate cliques and shopping because of the crowds. I cannot deal with the mall-shopper-type crowd. I do most of my shopping online.

I wasn't the most popular person in middle/high school because I was "different". I'd say the wrong thing or be clumsy or not understand what people were trying to tell me. I'd mix up words and never be able to come up with something interesting enough for the "popular" girls. I was so jealous of them!

But now, and I don't know how it happened but it just happened, I embrace it. I'm not like other girls and I do not care. If a guy said he didn't cook or clean or send Christmas cards, would anyone care? No.

Why is it different for us? It shouldn't be. I don't like talking on the phone and I tell new people I meet this. Please text or email me, it's the easiest way to get in touch with me because I rarely check my voicemail. My friends know this and text me or email me. Easy enough.

If people ask me about Christmas cards, I tell them I don't send them. I just don't. If that offends you then chances are you wouldn't get one if I did send them, LOL.

I guess I just got to a point where it took so much time and energy focusing on the things I did wrong all the time that I decided to start focusing on what I did right.

I'm smart. Really smart. I have a great sense of humor. It's dark and weird, but it's mine. And I do have good friends, they're just mostly male. Because THEY don't like to talk on the phone or make smalltalk or care if I send Christmas cards!!

You just have to find what works for YOU and not worry about everyone else. Everyone else doesn't have ADHD. We do. If I still worried about everyone else, I would be in a mental hospital. You're never going to be like them so stop trying. Do what makes you happy. Living with ADHD is hard enough so worry about changing the things you CAN change. Christmas cards? So many people send out Christmas cards that chances are no one is going to remember if you sent them a card with your family or dog on the front.

I just hate the idea that society creates these molds and if you're a certain gender or color or age then you're supposed to fit in them perfectly.

Well I don't. Deal with it. If you don't want to deal with it, we won't be friends. I'm not going to waste MY valuable time pretending to be someone I'm not so that I meet YOUR approval, whoever you are.

There. Done. Rant over. :)

I'm really a nice person and a good friend - I'm just finished apologizing for not being something other random people think I should be.

lol, wow. Ur brave! Hope I can be like that.

i've found one best friend that's just as crazy as i am....we're both moms, have suffered from panic attacks...okay, well, i am a bit crazier than her.

i have lost tons of friendships/opportunities to meet some good quality girls, by being so flaky...i say i'm going to do something, then change my mind at the last minute because i don't feel like being social. i've got a core group of friends (also mommys), but they just want to escape their families and have girls night and drinks as often as humanly possible (doesn't sound so bad right? then why don't i ever have the desire to do it???)

i've had panic attacks since i was about 12...i know i had add throughout school but back then we just didn't know what it was. my mother was the overbearing, overcautious, perfectionist type, always worried about something. my father (they have since divorced) is just sooooo mellow. always did/still does relax at the end of the day with a margarita, no worries about anything (think jimmy buffett). we've talked and he thinks he always had some sort of add issue as well as panic attack issue, obviously an alcohol issue (even though i've never seen him drunk). it's like i have a constant struggle of both of those qualities from them...i've got my mom's anxieties, worries, perfectionistic expectations, but my dad's side of me lacks the motivation to get all i know i need to get done. it's a constant struggle. the lack of motivation. i've got everything i've ever wanted...but no motivation to make myself the best self i know i can be (yes, i am in therapy, just started last week).

my mom's mother (best mimi ever), was also prone to major anxieties, i remember seeing lithium (or librium)??? in her medicine closet (she's no longer alive). she was a true "shop-a-holic", seriously, it was bad. it would be a problem if you saw it nowdays but back then no....

i do thats aswell i alwasy think people are talking about me and can somehow read my thoughts and are discussing them, i also have ocd so i know my thoughts are completely unwarented and sometimes if i were to say them outloud seemingly insane. so i always wonder if they know what im talking about to myself.

re: trouble with friendships/low self-monitoring


http://www.firstimpressionsconsulting.com/pages/book.html

KatIn

What else I can say. You have it all.
The only one I have was my brother's fiancee . We click .

One. we have same no religion. I have a few then
but soon I denounce religion, they lost me.
Hate being proselytize all the time. I cut most of them .
Can't stand being a hypocrite.

Two. Talking on the phone, I cannot stand that bickering on the background with their kids or husband ,the birds ,TV shows.
I find it so rude . Then I know they are not listening anyways ,
so self absorb . They Have no clue what you said
coz you are not listened to.
Is this worthwhile?

This is most factual in the general population , more than ADD.

everybody hurts. big hug hope you feel better soon!

I agree thats why I give up making friends and treasure the friends I have.

This is getting worse by the minute everything I read has been happening to me my whole life! I have no real friends, just my DH, and daughter really. It's sad, I think about all I said if I do talk with people,and realize I said way to much, stupid stuff, etc, is there any hope for change for US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like somedays oh heck who cares if I'm becoming a recluse nobody cares really anyway. Maybe I should be gone. I get tired of it all, do you? I feel like my life has been a waste, and I haven't done one damn thing... I don't want a pity party I'm just sad., and a little upset is all, or maybe overwhelmed is the word......

I find making friends to be easy, its maintaining them that is hard. My friends are usually men because they are less demanding and don't get hurt if I haven't phoned in a week. I hate the phone, please IM me if you wanna talk lol. There is so much that goes into being friends with a woman, phone calls, shopping, gossip, shoulders to cry on, helping out with the kids (if she has them, I dont), remebering birthdays and favorite colors ... the list goes on. I have often said women are too emotionally needdy for me lol. Terrible thing to say about my own sex but...

ME TOOO!!! My mom claims she had the same issues growing up and even now, she has every few friends. I believe she is inattentive. My dad is both! He is a talker and has many friends and makes them easily, but he gets bored and trades them off! I'm a talker and I have a weird sense of humor. I love fashion and girly things, but I feel like I'm missing something that makes me appear to be friend-worthy. I feel like I have to work very hard to have friends. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth it, but when I'm having a really crappy day, it's nice to be able to call up a buddy even just to say HI!

I've always found that I make friends with men better than with other women. Maybe because more men are ADHD -- maybe that's why I relate to them better? Or maybe because they tend to be more forgiving of someone missing the social niceties (small talk, remembering birthdays, remembering to call, etc..)

Most of my friends are also ADHD/ADD (some diagnosed, most are not but I can spot them!) They are much more fun than normal people anyway.

I can talk to anyone and put up a good show, but I am quite shy inside. So my "inner circle" of close friends is pretty small, which is fine. No one needs 20 best friends!

I don't have many friends and the friends that I do have seem to not be around when I need them. I always felt as though I have been a better friend to my friends than they are to me and this is hurtful because I feel used and unliked. I know I am not always in the best mood but I don't have much contact with anyone when I am like that. I just am better off alone (as alone as I can get with 2 toddlers and a teen).

Even though I do have a few friends I know they talk about me, at least one of them does, negatively, about my mood and how I act etc. I suffer with depression and right now with PMS. I am just better off alone I guess.

I just want to say I am SOOO glad I found this forum! A friend of mine suggested that there are probably places on the net where other people like you (I'm ADD) get together to discuss their issues. Duh!! Why didn't I think of that?

A lot of what everyone has said in this thread resonates deep inside me; being better friends with men; making friends, but then losing them; not liking to talk on the phone; the list goes on and on. At this point in my life, right this minute, I do not have a single good female friend...not one. My life is so busy right now that this does not seem too serious at this point; but I think one day I will be a very lonely person, and it scares me.

Now I have to go back and read everything on this Women with ADD section...it's so exciting to think of connecting with other people--women--like me!

It's weird, I have a lot of friends, I appear to be very social, but I don't really feel a connection with most any of them. I feel like a faker most of the time, or that I am searching for humanity so much that I force myself to be this social butterfly looking for human contact, some connection and understanding, but I often am left feeling empty, detatched, or uninvolved although it appears that we have a "friendship". I have always been this way, even as a little kid.


This place is amazing.......every post I read is feelings ive had or am having. Thoughts ive had that I thought made me crazy and stupid, to actually see Im not alone is a huge revelation. People for the most part have no idea what ADD/ADHS is, and its sad because it's been around for so long. I always thought it just meant a kid just couldnt focus, simple.
It's crazy how little time and effort is going in to helping the general public understand it.

Its the same for me here, i always get so paranoid because sometimes i say the wrong things or i just say to much and the person changes behavior and then it will become and infernal obsessing routine and finally ill just lose the friendship, just know your not alone in all of this, im with you :)

I have a solution....Why don't we all be friends! yaaah now we each have more than 2. I think, not sure, just think... we are so attentive to many details that others are not, we can identify a person's lack of interest long before they realize it them selves. They notice us watching closely and begin to feel threatened. ADD is more than the lack of attention... it is having our attention on many things at once. When it comes to people, we notice many details that others are oblivious to. Then ..these people we want to befriend start feeling analyzed. It takes a very strong, and secure person to befriend us. My best of friends are the ones who are confident and established within their own lives. I even tend to offend them at times by "saying" the wrong thing. I think, again, think, saying the wrong thing comes from ADD as well. Mouth in motion before mind in gear!

Yeah, I used to spend a lot of time worrying about this. And I do work on having certain social skills just so people will know I wasn't raised by wolves... but, for the most part, I'm glad I don't fit the cookie-cutter image that people expect. I no longer get my feelings hurt when someone makes a half-joking/half-catty remark to me or about me. If they don't have sense enough to know that I can see right through that, then shame on them for their own poor social graces.

I tell my students all the time that ADHD people are the spicy ones - the cajun seasoning in the personality mix - we have the unique outlooks and the thinking processes that keep things interesting. If someone enjoys that and wants to be friends with me, that's great. If not, too bad for them.

I am the same way. the good friends I have understand me, but the new friends I make end up fading away at some point. It is either too much effort to sustain a relationship, or my need for constant reassurance drives them away. I am lucky that I married my best friend and he understands me and gives me the emotional talk that I need. But I often wonder if it is too much for him and at one point he will be exhausted in this relationship and leave me.
Then again I think that this is just my need for constant reassurance talking again.

[quote=Hopeless;90962]

I did not like the little cliques and the whispering and secrets, snobbery and all the stuff little girls do.

And you know what? Most adult women are still like that. Probably why I don't have many female friends.

WOW I thought I was the only one...I don't have very many female friends too and always considered myself a tomboy...now I see that I'm not alone....I wish you guys lived in Hawaii so we could all hang out!!!:D

So nice to see this thread so I feel I understand and can be understood! I have nothing to add b/c you all have said everything I would say! But I thank you for saying it so I don't feel so weird : )

I have just learned to accept that people think I'm weird. I like to call it fun and different. Yes, I shock people with what I say sometimes but it's usually funny for me.

I totally understand what you mean about girlfriends. I just could not figure them out! I made some great girlfriends at my current job. They can't understand why girls didn't get along with me and introduced me to their other girlfriends. It is the first time I have gotten along with women in a LONG time.

I do still notice the cattiness but I am okay calling them on it now. I like to stay positive and tell them that. I think they are accepting of my comments because they know where I'm coming from.

Oh, and bglazier, I would love to live in Hawaii so I can hang out with you! Sure beats the snow I have to endure right now!

I am easy to talk to and a fun loving young woman. I have had trouble with keeping friendships “I feel I may say the wrong thing at the wrong time” and do…I then get worried and notice a difference in their behavior to me. Instead of talking to them about it


This part of your post was like looking in a mirror for me. I do EXACTLY the same thing. Over the years I have been lucky enough to find friends that can SEE me through the C*** but it was hard and lonely for so many years.

(((hugs)))


Song

oops, cut the quote off short, sorry about that!


Song

Its extremely hard. I find it even harder with
fellow women than men.

I can spot them miles away so I tend
to stay away rather
than them staying
away.

Gays are so much fun
to be with.

I know I've posted this elsewhere on this site, but I found this blog that actually gives concrete advice about making friends and being more social...the tips are pretty handy, and it even suggests investigating why one's social skills may be lacking (if you can't get to the root, don't even bother with the branches)...

http://succeedsocially.com/blog/

Schylla33, That's very interesting - Lots of practical advice there, I'm going to bookmark it and read through more of it later. Thank you!

I cried when I read these posts. I have a wellworn newspaper article I cut out so many years ago about women and the effects of not having close friendships.

I don't have any friendships at all. I sort of distance myself from anyone who wants to get close enough to be a friend because I just know (stupid me) that I will say something or do something that really screws up. And I just don't have the skills to make friends. I'm 40 but I feel like I am playing catch up to all the things that adults are supposed to have done by my age. If I actually could make a frien, wouldn't they notice my lack and wonder about me? Guarding myself and not being trusting of others can be exhausting though. I really would love to find someone to talk to sometimes. :o

It's weird, I have a lot of friends, I appear to be very social, but I don't really feel a connection with most any of them. I feel like a faker most of the time, or that I am searching for humanity so much that I force myself to be this social butterfly looking for human contact, some connection and understanding, but I often am left feeling empty, detatched, or uninvolved although it appears that we have a "friendship". I have always been this way, even as a little kid.

This is exactly how I feel. You put it perfectly. It's so refreshing to know someone else feels this way. The whole faking thing;I sometimes wonder if I'm socio or something, of course I'm not but I wonder why these emotions don't come natually to me. I feel like I'm just a good mimicer. As far as the socializing goes, I tell people I'm a naked turtle, I belong in my shell but I force myself out of it.

I don't know what it is either I have lots of friends! very social make friends easily and hang with a lot of them, but at the same time I only have one friend that knows all my secrets and one other friend that I consider to be a best friend.....I wonder why that is!~

Hey Everyone,

Such a smart bunch here, resurrecting this potent thread, choked my heartstrings. I'm likely older than most, 48. Feel healthier than at 25 and some say (if I've slept well) I look 35. What's best is that aside from health/appearance, I'm have more days lately (non-work days) where I accept that inside I'm 8. And hopefully when the calendar says I'm 80......I won't just accept true age (8), I'll revel in it. At 80 whether or not I'm batty, I imagine walking the city streets with a big wooden cane, bashing the bothersome NTs in my way. And they'll leave me alone cause they'll think me batty. Also I'll play ring and run, leave dog poop in a bag on doorstep of fussy indignant NT-types who raise eyebrows (at folks like us) so often they look botoxed without botox.

As to women with ADD and friendships.....I read two pages, saw pieces of myself thoughout. Something that lends perspective is having 24 yr. old NT daughter, social butterfly, magnet at parties, always w/ entourage. Anyhowwww, went through hell raising her, never understood the headgames, gossip, manipulation for no apparent reason. Years flew, she went far off to college..and missed me more than I'd ever have believed. For years, I thought she hated me and wished me dead though I didn't know why. Today, guess what???????? She's attracted to ADD/ADHD types and THANK GOD treats them/us well, appreciates the loyalty, energy, creativity. She didn't used to ...as a teen, had a knack for befriending (untreated) ADD/ADHDers with megaproblems, I'd grow to love them like my own and then she'd hurt/abandon them! While at college she had a bout with panic/phobia. Though I'd never wish that on anyone, it humbled her, in a good way. She's a kind NT. Says she's attracted to space cadettes....cause she misses momma and brother (just like momma).

Here's something I wonder if anyone shares. In 20s, 30s, earlier 40s....I seemed to only have one or two girlfriends at a time and the friendships died due to misunderstanding. Like I'd get busy w/kids, hubby, work, school, -- still considering girlfriends important, still caring deeply -- and they'd interpret my busy-ness as a personal insult.

I've always explained to friends I have difficulty w/phone. I'm visual and confused when I can't see who I'm speaking with. But w/two in the past few years, offense was taken. They'd call anyway and be insulted I wasn't interactive as they wished me to be. I wasn't rude or anything. When those I care for need to talk on phone badly for hours instead of minutes, I (first take ritalin) let them talk and listen or at least try and say every now and then .....yes...ohhhhh...uh huh.

With one friend in my 30s...my best ever, 5 whole years.....when I had a 2nd child, got crazy busy w/kids, work, school.....when we did go out, all she wanted to do was express anger or sorrow that I wasn't available as much as before.

Because I had little time and craved fun ....I just didn't get why she needed to drown the both of us in emotionality. I began not calling her back. I couldn't take the intensity. I'd think.....WTF........we have 5 hrs together to hang and she wants to sit somewhere and vent anger cause she feels hurt. Gee, I'd never ever intenentionally do that and if someone did (hurt her) I'd scare them off :eek:or beat them up:mad:

Here's the kicker: I love and miss her, her offbeat intellect, warmth, kinky sense of humor. I don't know if she's an NT, at times I've thought her bipolar cause she at times she is manic. Even though she calls on occasion, sends mushy cards on occasions, I don't respond...I feel like the need to hide....... Anyone?

Friendships are tough, even with people you think you know well. And we ADHDers don't always relish the idea of tough things... unless we have a desire for that stimulation at the moment.

Understand your own need to have some level of control in the friendship. She sends a card, you may not. And then out of the blue, decide that is EXACTLY the right thing to do RIGHT NOW. Let your funky self out in how you choose to manage the relationship. She'll likely appreciate grooving to the sound of your drummer.

I love to send cards to friends that least expect it. I don't bother to write a novel, just "thought of you today and my heart smiled" is quite enough. It lets me reach out on my own terms. This is not a bad thing.

I can so relate. It's been painful for me for many years that I seem to have intense, but short, relationships with women. I have found only two or three in my 40 years that seem to have the sticktoitiveness to deal with being friends with me. I think that many women are scared by my "honesty" (read unable to contain my opinions/emotions), and "use" me (unintentionally) to work through their own crap (because I'm really good at summarizing/reflecting their feelings), then once they feel better they leave me in the dust.
I am beginning to realize, tho, that most people do not have the kind of deep friendships that I crave/relish. I mean I want REALLY deep, close friendships and I think a lot of other people are just fine with all of the surface B.S. It's not B.S. to them--it's how they define friendship. So, at 40, I am trying to make a concerted effort with the 2 or 3 people who I really love so I can salvage those relationships.
It's so hard to see my DS 15 going through the same thing. I think we want "intense" and hopefully that doesn't have to be co-dependent, abusive, volatile, etc. It can be "intense" in a good way. I never would've discovered that if I hadn't met my DH at 16--I believe he was a gift from God.
As women, we need to hang in there and give each other a break. Not be afraid to be ourselves. One thing I will say, the Wellbutrin I am now on has relieved my social anxiety to the extent that I am going on a mom's retreat this weekend with moms from my kid's high school. Being new to the area, I am hoping to make a friend...but before drugs, wouldn't even have signed up to do something like this.
The trick is acknowledging our challenges, but letting ourselves off the hook for being different. There are friends out there for us too--but they are fewer and farther between.

funny-- I am considered "popular" yet I am perfectly happy alone. Make friends easily but also (like Bunny) feel like I may be faking it. As far a relationships with men, I am attractive but said to be "cold" . Some one once warned a guy I was talking to "don't get emotionally attached to her" HMMMMM.....

Wow...everything here sounds like me. I was never able to make friends easily...ever. My own mother called me a "strange and weird kid" because of this. For example, whereas a normal kid would get excited over being invited to a birthday party, I would hide the invitation or throw it away because I couldn't bear the thought of going and having to be in a social situation. Then, the birthday kid's mother would call my mother asking why we didn't RSVP and then I would get in trouble. I would then be forced to buy a gift, go to the party, "put on a happy face" and try to enjoy myself while I was miserable the whole, entire time and basically talked to no one. I didn't know how to relate to other kids. I would just rather be by myself because it was so much easier. And it just got worse in high school. Always saying the wrong thing. Not acting like everyone else. Preferring to be alone and unengaged.

I hate small talk. It's boring and I think it's stupid. I have a job where I sometimes need to go to lunch with constituents and I absolutely dread this part of my job. I worry about it for days beforehand. These situations create so much anxiety for me because I feel like I need to act a certain way and I am incapable of doing so. I have no social skills. I hate being asked by co-workers to go to events outside of work. I hate being asked to go to happy hour or to dinner or to (God forbid) a party or someone's house. I will always come up with an excuse.

I don't have any close friends. I'm so different from everyone else and I know this. I've had maybe 2 close friends my entire life and I am 45 years old. Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes not. It would be nice to have people to depend on, but it's just too much work for me. Funny thing is...I'm a really nice person and pleasing, and when people meet me for the first time, they want to be friends immediately and they want to exchange phone numbers, etc. I'll be nice and exchange the information, but I will never follow through. If they contact me first, I will reply to be nice, but I pray that they won't answer back. Or I hope that I get an answering machine so I can at least say I did my part.

Or I make plans to do something with someone and it sounds good at the time, but at the last minute, I am looking for ways to back out because I don't want to do it anymore. I would just rather sit home alone.

Does anyone else get this? Or am I just so totally from a different planet? I just can't stand social burdens, I guess is what I would call it. I was just diagnosed about 6 months ago and I am on medication, but I don't feel like it is helping much in this area. I would still rather just be alone in my own little world and not worry about social burdens and making friends.

I can't relate to all of this but I RARELY have lunch with anyone at work; it's draining to be at work with people and I need to be alone at lunch to read and eat in peace.

You know I would be outwardly excited about birthdays & stuff when I was little, but secretly dreading them. as well as field trips and especially "track and field" days, what a nightmare. I felt like I was the only one in the whole world who secretly dreaded things. thank you for writing that.

my mom said and still says I'm "weird" because I like serious books and I do things in "strange ways". she's not being mean but this just kills me! I had better tell her one of these days.

I know what you mean.

In terms of family, no one seems to understand me. My mum knows I have looked in to having ADHD and I have explained what it's like, yet she still says things like "You need to be more organised and help more around the house, why can't you just do what I ask?" etc etc.
I'll get wound up/frustrated really easily by something and her and my brother will just laugh at me :(

In terms of friends, well I've always been an odd one because of my Asperger's and possible ADHD. I made friends at school, and we were all pretty odd people so they understood me and tolerated my randomness! :D But other people would call me weird and annoying! Weird I can understand, but annoying? I don't get what I did that was annoying! Maybe it was cos I was so immature, I really don't know to this day!
One of the best friends I made was thought to have Asperger's. He was amazing! :p

I lose track of people easily. Some of them I miss very much. I hate to hurt anyone so I try very hard not to make promises that I won't keep. When I break a promise, I tend to walk away from relationships- I don't like negative emotional scenes.