I am a 44-year-old woman who is ADHD. I am on 150mg of Wellbutrin SR, 1 tablet of natural estrogen, and ¼ teaspoon of progesterone cream daily. My dad has depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, off and on through his life. He also drinks beer daily. My Grandfather (my Dad’s Dad) was on lithium and drank alcohol daily. No one in the family either knew or talked about why Grandpa was on it. Rumors are that he would go on spending sprees and then my Grandmother and some of his family members would institutionalize him. One thing is for sure about families… denial, denial denial.

I need support from family and friends. My family is none! See…in a family with “chemical deficiencies” their may be many problems with all of us. One may be obsessive compulsive with Bipolar and another may be ADD and the other may be something else. Throw on top of that control issues and forget it! I have read much on the computer and a few books about this “family inheritance” and it encourages me to let people know about it… they say to explain to them about it, so they can be “more understanding”…I’m here to tell you DON’T tell friends or your job! No one, yes no one! Unless they have ever experienced it for themselves they will NEVER….. understand. When you are in a bad, sad or good mood they will label you.

I am easy to talk to and a fun loving young woman. I have had trouble with keeping friendships “I feel I may say the wrong thing at the wrong time” and do…I then get worried and notice a difference in their behavior to me. Instead of talking to them about it (because when I do, they say NO… NOTHING is wrong…I then start to back off from the relationship. I am ssooooo uncomfortable wondering what I have done wrong that I feel it is best to just back off, call less, be busy. I have worked on this for such a long time and have gotten NO place with it. I’m tired of all the thoughts going through my head on what I must of said and feeling like a bad person because of it. Having ADHD/Chemical imbalance is exhausting!!! I have tried the “Adult ADD support group for 7 months only to hear about what illegal drugs they did in the old days and do now. Did you ever go to an adult meeting for ADD-ADHD we all talk at the same time? Lol. In some ways I have evolved greatly and in other ways I am so frustrated and uncomfortable with people.I would like to say I have a great job and I am appreciated very much at it. I have an easy to talk to hardworking, handsome husband of 24 years. I have no children by choice. I /we did not want to pass this on to our children. My siblings’ children, 5 out of 6 have inherited it also. I will encourage you (who ever) to be your best self as much as you can and understand that we will have our good weeks and our bad. It is very lonely sometimes when you are chemically imbalanced and extremely frustrating.

I have a had time dealing with people even my family,...It's always hard wehen even family dont understand.:( But as far as not telling anyone...I don't care myself...It helps to weed out the ones who are my true friends(the ones that understand and stay friends reguardless). People come and go but family and true friends are constant. On the job, I had to let them know cause medication wise and for those who did not understand and always criticize me for being the way I am...I look them square in the face and tell them too pick up a book and read about my conditions and then come back and criticize.

Honestly, Shugga, Never ever be ashamed or afraid to admit who you are or what you have...It is inherited and passed on to you....it did not fall in your lap cause u wanted this so their is no shame in the game. Only if you let them make you ashamed...Just my two cents hun.

I understand where you are coming from. There's a lot to go into, but basically I live in the "perfection" family. Unless I was doing something great and wonderful, I did not get attention.

With family, you are mearly a victim of circumstance. I know that probably sounds cold to a lot of you fortunate people born of wonderful parents and siblings...but its something I believe.

Maybe that's why I haven't told my parents I have ADHD.

-Anty

I know what ya mean there too, It's like you have to be perfect like a robot and it's an immortal sin to make mistakes...I grew up in that kinda house..I just rebeled*evil grin*

I don't make friends easy either. I'm always wondering, 'Am I saying something stupid? , Why don't they call me more often??.

I'm not good at small talk. (made dating miserable!! ) Thankfully my husband is a talker and when we were dating made it much easier.

I would say I only have 2 close friends and we only get together once or twice a month.

Denise

Pat, I know what your saying....I really do. I hear stories upon stories about my Dad's side of the family. I have ADHD and I inherited from Dad. The stories about Dad's side of the family are exiting! They are fun people in my opinion.

My Mom says listening to me is exiting. Sad sometimes...maddening sometimes....crazy at times...then she is like...where is Dani? There is no exitement this week. I am worried about her. Where is she? Then my Mom say's it happens all over again. I have apologized to her more than once. She always replies, "Now what would life be like without Dani?"

And like Triple. I feel like people think I am weird. I don't make friends easy at all. When I talk it seems like I am weird. No, the people I am talking to are weird! Right? Right!

I have more, but this is just a sample.

I have a hard time making friends, especially female friends. I don't even know why. Its like people like me at first and then they start to not call or not want to hang out.

When I was in elementary school, Id wonder why none of the girls wanted to be my friend. My mom would always say its because I was a "leader" not a "follower". And she was kind of right. (Shes ADD too) I did not like the little cliques and the whispering and secrets, snobbery and all the stuff little girls do.

And you know what? Most adult women are still like that. Probably why I don't have many female friends. My best friend is an ADD female and shes the most real person I know.

Trust me, there are great people out there. They are just harder to find than not. But you'll know who they are when you discover them.

When I become friends with someone, I don't usually tell them Im ADD until were established as friends. And maybe I dont tell them. Real friends like you just the way you are. And then when I finally tell my friends, theyre like, "Duh? I already figured.."

I have exactly 2 good friends and alot of aquaintences. My friends understand and help me cope with it, the rest of the people deal with me in small doses. It's ok with me though. I tend to get frustrated and sometimes when I get really bad, I wonder why people even bother to come around if their going to be uncomfortable.

From my experience, a lot of times after 'we' finish talking to someone, no matter who it was and how big the talk was, tend to think too much about what we said and have this feeling of saying too much or saying something out of place. I've experienced it, I've heard about it, and now I see it again. So I try to tell myself every time I go to thinking that, that's that what always happens, and usually it's just my own private feeling which is based on nothing in reality, really. And that just as well might be the case with you too, especially that you said that the people you asked say themselves there's nothing wrong. I could be wrong, but I also could be right, can't I?

But what really stood out for me in you message (and that means Patjpg, if I remember the last 3 letters correctly) is the fact that you didn't want to have children because it didn't want to pass it on to them. And another thing I've learned (through very good friends) is that if you don't make such a big deal out of it, others won't either. Most people don't know so much about ADD anyway, and besides, the way I've worked it out is that my faults are my faults, and if sometimes I behave a certain way I say "I am like that", because it's true, it does'nt really matter if it's ADD or some other gene, it's still me and how I behave. You yourself said many things that make you a great person, so how can you not want kids that would have your qualities? we all have our faults! I still don't have any, but one these days I will, and yes, having ADD can be problematic sometimes, but a lot of other people have personal faults, physical faults, I don't really know one person who's 100% happy with the things they were born with. But you see, if you have so many good qualities, ADD is a part of what makes you who you are. And I truly believe that. And I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm trying to educate you or something, because I really don't, but I was just trying to bring some things from my point of view.

cheers!

I'm right there with you. I'm 43 and just got diagnosed with adhd. I have an 8 yr old daughter with adhd and a huband who is add. I now understand why I have had problems making and keeping friends. And, like you i was always wondering what I did to make someone back off from me. I really hate that it took me this long to figure it all out. I am on adderal and it's making the biggest difference in the way I handle myself in all aspects of my life. I'm not screaming and yelling at my daughter, which is definiatly not how to deal with an adhd child. My relationship with my husband is much better and life in general is alot better. I'm able to get things done and I just feel better:cool: .
I found this forum and I knew God led me to it. I read all the stories and it's amazing, I feel like I'm reading about myself.
Please email me and we'll chat...thanks/Kathi

It's weird, I have a lot of friends, I appear to be very social, but I don't really feel a connection with most any of them. I feel like a faker most of the time, or that I am searching for humanity so much that I force myself to be this social butterfly looking for human contact, some connection and understanding, but I often am left feeling empty, detatched, or uninvolved although it appears that we have a "friendship". I have always been this way, even as a little kid.

I have many aquaintances, but only 3 or 4 real friends.


opps wrong area ....... sorry .......

That's how I am too. (hahaha, I think it should be okay for you to post in this area!)



I have many aquaintances, but only 3 or 4 real friends.


opps wrong area ....... sorry .......

It's really hard to make friends. I never can give good feedback to people. My mind is always blank when I try to respond to people. I think, I think too much when it comes to basic human interaction. Except for those whom I have already grown close to and they think I'm really great but they don't understand why I'm not happier and don't have more friends.

omg- another topic where I feel part of the group. I don't have a lot of friends; don't make them easily. And that little inner demon is always wondering if I said or did the wrong thing, and while I know I am not interesting enough to hold everyone's attention 24/7, I always end up wondering if they are talking about the last stupid thing (in my mind) I did. It always makes me feel alienated and like I'm moving in a bad dream.

I don't have a lot of friends. I know a lot of people that I have met through various life experiences. I call on them for assistance for other people--job or business referrals. As to those that I consider my friends, they number about 5. But, there is still a disconnect with them. I don't openly share my innermost feelings. The few times that I have, in my opinion, my feelings have been dismissed, with comments like "you'll handle it."

I also find it difficult to connect with people. Usually, I am not interested in the conversation. When I meet someone and they are talking about what to me seems uninteresting, or small talk...I zone out. I then decide they are boring and make no effort to stay connected.

Damelle

I need to follow this line of thought yet it is just so hard to "sit with it", though, because it triggers so much sadness. I find it hard to even read all of the comments. My heart is so ..... I can't even express my regret, my emptiness. All I can do is cry....I am so full of tears and I just don't know what to do, where to go with all of this. I have lost my voice. I feel like a truant I know what you are saying, deeply and completely.

After I talk to anyone....I start analyzing everything I've said....if it sounded alright...if it offended them.....did that come out right?.....oh...I hope that didn't **** them off....it must have made them mad....oh, they're mad at me for saying that....
that's pretty much how it goes. I also feel like people like me most of the time at first...then I feel like I annoy them, and I feel like they give me signs that they don't want to hang around me. They don't call, or they don't wave, or whatever. I feel like I have 2 good friends that I see 2-3 time a month. Does anyone else have these feelings?
I have 2 sons that are ADHD, I'm ADD, my mom is undiagnosed ADD, and my husband is a big time undiagnosed ADD(even though i havent' talked about him about his add).

Yes!!!
All the time I think that, do that too much thinking analysing conversations.

I have many acquaitences, very few freinds and the ones I call friend happen to be add also. I guess it's because of the connection in the mind. Not having to explain yourself when you don't know how. They always say they know what I mean when I'm tounge twisted. I am a observer of human nature and I can tell when someone acts like they are interested in what I'm saying or just acting like they do, Because I am pretty. I use to swear I was going to shave my head( I have long curly hair) and ware nothin but overalls, so you would see what was in my mind. I try not to over analize and overwhelm people when they first meet me. I can't help how I think and what I see, I am in constant thirst for knowledge and comunication with others is one of the best learning tools. Most people just want to float threw life in a fog. Not me, so those with me in my way of thinking, I let in my circle. Those who aint I keep them outside my circle. Those who make fun of me, well vengence is mine sayith the Lord. right?

Sorry, had to leave mid post, but post anyway because I think this thread is so very important.

This feeling everyone is discribing is the reason why I went for diagnoses. I have very few friends and I get very lonely. I am forever analyzing conversations, thinking too much, going back to old conversations and straightening them out, thinking that I am weird and that no one wants me around. Maybe I am too intense? Maybe I seem disconnected? Do I seem uncaring when in fact I care too much? Do I care too much? I know I forget stuff which others think is important...

WHAT IS IT!!!??? Arrgh!:confused:

Is there a solution? Do meds help with this? Maybe I need more ADD friends who "get" weirdness? (sigh)

I am so glad that this forum is here.

That fits me to a T. I think sometimes "I do care too much". I always want someone to like me and most of the time I believe I overwhelm them with my trying to win them over as friends. I have been told in the past 2 romantic relationships that I care too much and I try to hard; and that scares them away.

I don't understand that but nowbeing diagnosed recently -- I wonder....Do I care to much? I think not..I am a caring person and I want to be treated like I would like to be treated. I have very few friends and it has always been this way..but can you love and care too much??? I honestly don't think so. Anybody else have a comment on this issue?

I felt like i was reading about me! I've been told MANY times that I overanalyze things, that I'm a worry-wart, and I try to win "friends" over too by doing anything for them.....going way out of my way to do anything for them. And then if they even breath a different way I instantly think they must be mad at me, or frustrated with me, or tired with me....whe logically I think to myself it could be something totally different...they got a speeding ticket that day or whatever. But I'll still analyze every conversation between us, and everything I've done etc. I drive myself crazy with this. especially at night when I can't sleep. So yes,,,,I totally know how you feel.

HOLY COW! I WAS READING ABOUT ME! Ha!ha! I just scrolled up a few posts and realized I posted a post. ugh! sorry about the repeat!

I have the same "paranoid" fears of people being angry with me or not liking me. But another thing that seems to interfere with making friends is... small talk is so ******* boring. I think you have to suffer through small talk in order to develop a friendship, and I just don't do small talk very well.

I cannot bear to sit thru conversations about TV shows (actually, I don't get cable, so I haven't seen most shows that people discuss). Talk about the latest fashions? I don't even notice fashion trends until the trend has already come & gone. Famous people? I cannot remember their names & I have no idea who starred in what movie ...there's no way I can keep up with celebrity gossip. I once had a psychologist suggest that I make an effort to watch fad TV shows, read People magazine, etc ...to do this as a kind of "homework" to help me relate better with my co-workers. But I've got so much other stuff to worry about...

And then there's the whole issue of meeting people. I am a "homebody". Pretty much the only people I interact with are co-workers. I have taken a few "adult ed" classes thru the town rec center, and I've made "friendly aquaintences" there, but we only socialize during the classes (mainly cooking classes, so it's not like we're chatting away while the teacher is trying to teach).

I also find it really hard to make female friends. It's only with the rare girl that I don't feel like an entirely different species. All (three) of my female friends are ADD, not including my roommate (if we weren't stuck together in Res it's unlikely we would have ever been friends, we're very different, but she's also a "real" person) and they seem so much more natural and real than most girls.

It's hard to put my finger on what it is about the other girls that makes me feel so different, but it's been that way forever. I have lots of guy friends, and I'm not an unfeminine person, I'm interested in fashion and interior design and that stuff, not to say that those aren't "masculine" traits, but they're more what's considered traditionally female.

Me too. I feel sad tonight about friends. I always wonder after, I go over conversations, what did I say? Maybe I talked about myself too much, maybe I didn;t seem interested enough (I am interested, but I think I don;'t show it?) It feels like I am always the one doing the calling, inviting, if I don't do it, it nver comes back & I don't know why. Hurts. Lonely. Wish I was better at it. Why? Do I want too much?

So many people are posting that they have lots of acquaintances but only a few close friends. Am I the only one who thinks this is a good thing?
I have a huge circle of friends. But I have only 10 or so people who I feel totally close to. And I like to keep it that way. I don't think people are meant to have 85 best friends. That's unatural. That's a lot of birthday cards! haha
I think you only need to worry when you have no friends or acquaintances. You need someone to be able to count on no matter what.
I certainly don't believe that the only people who can understand me are other people with ADD. In fact, the few friends I have told of my recent diagnosis are educating themselves to better understand me. That's a true friend!
No judgments, only concern.
I guess I consider myself lucky. Now, if I could only find a guy who was that way...:-)

Yeah. Well.
I have a few aquaintances and maybe 3-4 friends, some of whom I don't hear from for weeks or months. The other day I was upset and wanted someone to talk to, but there was no one I felt that I could "bother" with my problems.
Pathetic, eh.
Well, the problem was solved by the next week, but it would have been nice to feel that I had a friend who I could just drop in on. I am more than willing to do the same for them, but no one comes to me either.
Maybe I feel that I shouldn't inflict my problems on my friends? I dunno. Still feel sad about it though.
The same applies when something good happens and I want to sing about it. Who do I call? Who would even care? Is this just me?
Maybe I think too much.

Cubfan- I'd be quite content to have 10 close friends. But I only have one close friend. I can talk to her about absolutely anything ...unfortunatley she moved clear across the country, so I rarely get to see her. Everyone else is just an acquaintance.

I had friends in college who I used to be close to. Pretty much we're down to just sending each other xmas cards. This is my fault. I haven't made the effort to keep things up. Heck, half the time I don't even manage to send out xmas cards to them. But I still think about them, wonder what they're up to, recognize situations/events that they would have found amusing, etc. I don't know why I don't put in the effort to maintain friendships. Feels like I'm struggling so hard just to keep afloat that I just don't have the time or energy to put the work into developing & maintaining friendships.

Gingagirl, I know exactly what you're saying. I never used to make much of an effort to keep up to date with my friends either. I used to think it was because I was selfish but now I know it's because we're grown up (I've had the same friends for over 20 years) and have other responsibilities. Most of my friends have husbands and kids and are very busy. But when we talk or get together (which is rare), it's like no time has passed. My girlfriends and I always say "We pick up where we left off". My friends are non-ADD but they fail to keep in touch too. It's not just us ADDers. Contact is a two way street. But I know if I called them in the middle of the night, they'd be there for me. (maybe not physically, but at least mental support)
That's why I LOVE email. Every couple of weeks or so, I drop an email to my friends to say hi and how ya doin. I hate talking on the phone! And I'm a girl, can you believe it! haha
Try getting the emails from your college friends and see how that goes.
I love it because it requires so little effort.
To make you feel better: I bought my xmas cards 3 months ago, had my list of addresses, and STILL didn't mail them! Now that's bad! But they're not filled out so I can save them for next year. Yeah, right!(If I can find them next year)
Chances are, I'll have to buy new ones that I won't send. haha
I am the queen of never-sent cards. I have so many bday cards that I forgot to send it's ridiculous. 100% intention, 0% follow through. That's me. I seem to be thoughtful only in theory. How sad. :-)
Make your new year's resolution to find your college friends' email addresses. That's an easy one!
Take care. Have a wonderful holiday!

Cubfan-

The whole card thing is one of the many things about my behavior that is sending me over the edge lately!

I still have cards...purchased in the 70's, mind you...ex:

1."Dude, you are a jerk" cards....
2."Can't remember what happened last night, but I bet it was fun" cards....
3."Congratulations, nephew...you're 3 years old!" cards...
4. Scariest Halloween card..."Dukakis Wins!"

The thing is-

I've been married, sober, the nephew in question is 18, now...and no one even remembers who Dukakis is!

So I go through the whole beat myself up routine-you know-

1.So sad those people I meant to send those cards to never heard from me
2.What a waste of time and money spent on cards never sent/I'm such a loser
3.Worse now-the house is a nightmare full of unsent, unfinished, unfindable stuff
4.If I was "smart", I'd have a garage sale and sell all this stuff-

but not only am I not "smart"...I'm too "lazy" and "disorganized" to do anything about anything...

And that is a ritual I practice many times, all year long, for at least 30 years now...let alone the whole Christmas card fiasco...

So I'm with the person who mentioned e-mail as the way to go, at least for me...(sorry, friends, about the downbeat message...I'm having a really hard time right now...)

Hi.
I really wish there was some way to get objective feedback on my interactions. As soon as I open my mouth, I mess things up. I still can't believe I've made it this far.

I wonder if there's some kind of finishing school, where they teach you basic social skills?

Can't tell if I am really a total jerk/evil person, or this is just part of ADD. Can't believe i've lived in this town for 3 years and the only friend left is my boyfriend. I'm not sure what I did . . .

Waiting too long to call? It's possible. Or all the parties I intended to go to but backed out at the last minute, from anxiety. So, now i feel a little hopeful, (and medicated) and dysfunctional, and lonely.

I keep trying to gauge the + and -

am i contributing enough good to counter the negative i must be spreading? i swear, i'm a pretty upbeat kind of person, but when i called the last 2 girls I counted as possible friend material, and never heard back, i wonder what the hell kind of person i am anyway.

I've had the same bad luck. I've got my boyfriend and that's about it. I've been in the same town, school for three years and still don't have any close girlfriends I can go out and have fun with. And when I do have the oppurtunity to make friends I try to be outgoing but sometimes it's hard to find the right things to say. I think I'm just misunderstood. Right now I'm really wishing I could blow off my boyfriend and have a girls night out but you actually need friends to do that.

I understand where you are coming from. There's a lot to go into, but basically I live in the "perfection" family. Unless I was doing something great and wonderful, I did not get attention.
When I was doing something great wasn't the only time I got attention, but it sure was when I got the most attention. And until recently (once I got past puberty) I gave my family plenty to be proud about. These days though I'm just a scattered mess. It's hard to get them to believe or understand how hard it is for me to do even ordinary things like mail a package (too many steps involved). Even though it's gotten a lot worse with perimenopause, even before that I think I spent a lot of my life trying to pull off being "normal" but feeling like I was just holding on by my fingernails.

It's hard to be friends, because I'm not organized enough to plan stuff and having someone over to my totally messy house is too embarassing. So I've been here two and a half years and have zero close friends, even though several people have acted like they might like to take it to the next level. Gets pretty lonely.

Scattered

Hi,

This is my first post and I'm so excited to know what it is that I have and that I'm not just a miserable person!!!! I have a couple questions regarding ADD/ ADHD since I'm not seeing a psychologist until Monday maybe ya'all can help.

Keeping friends is one of the many things I have had a problem with ever since I can remember. Especially girlfriends. when I fell in love with my husband I guess all of my focus went to him and I couldn't focus on keeping my girlfriends in the picture. That's horrible, I know, and I have never been able to balance friendships. I seem to also have an odd phone phobia where I hope to get answering machines and dread returning calls even though I care about them. It's almost as if I'm just hoping to get their machine so I can say I did my part and then the ball is in their court...does this make sense to anyone?sooooo My first question is if Meds help with this. My next question is if any of you feel everything has to be perfect before you try to meet people. I feel I have to get down to a tiny clothing size, makeup perfect, hair, clothes looking great before anyone would want to be seen with me or think I'm cool (for lack of a better word) enough to hang out with. I have so many, many questions but I'll leave it at that for now. Thanks for any help you can give.

Afraid I don't have any answers for you (I'm new here too and just trying to get a handle on all this). You're definately not alone in your feelings and experience. I was just invited to a friends house for lunch yesterday (our first invite in over a year). I was really excited to go and had a great time, except for the fact that her house was so nice and so perfect that I'm embarassed to ask her over. Don't know quite what to do. Even if I get it excellent for me, it will still be FAR below her standards.:( I don't know maybe I need to swallow my pride and just do the best I can. I think I'll bring it up with my counselor this week.

Scattered

(((I am easy to talk to and a fun loving young woman. I have had trouble with keeping friendships “I feel I may say the wrong thing at the wrong time” and do…I then get worried and notice a difference in their behavior to me. Instead of talking to them about it (because when I do, they say NO… NOTHING is wrong…I then start to back off from the relationship. I am ssooooo uncomfortable wondering what I have done wrong that I feel it is best to just back off, call less, be busy. I have worked on this for such a long time and have gotten NO place with it. I’m tired of all the thoughts going through my head on what I must of said and feeling like a bad person because of it. Having ADHD/Chemical imbalance is exhausting!!! )))

This is sooooooooooo me!!!! And you're right...it is exhausting and frustrating and isolating. UGH!

I know exactly what you mean about analyzing everything to see if you said something they took badly. It's very exausting. I guess that's why even though I have the ability to go to parties, social functions and such and mingle and appear relaxed and outgoing, I don't enjoy it. It's to much like work, because I'm always scanning the environment. I never want to be a bother. However, that same scanning and being attuned skill served me well as a counselor. So like most things, there's an up side and a down side.

Scattered