I was wondering if the women on this forum rather would go out with guy with ADD or a "norm"? I feel If I can find a woman with ADD that we will be able to understand each other better, any input would be appreciated

I would much rather go out with an ADHD guy. They would understand be me better. A quiet intelligent type guy. A guy who wouldn't be afraid to get muddy on a hike. A guy who would want to go to Bankok, Thailand and try some fried bugs and other different foods at the market there. Or other different food from the World with me.

Once I told a "normal guy" on a date I would try fried bugs if offered. I got a shocked look and I was thought to be weird. Once a "normal guy" cancelled a weekend hiking trip because it called for rain. Geez dude! You just bought a bunch of expensive equipment including rain gear! I was accused of not being ladylike. Various stuff like that.

Normal guys are okay as long as they are open to new things and can understand ADHD. It would be cool if they would research it and discover me too. Otherwise, a normal guy would be hard to date if we constantly critisize eachother.

i feel the same way, i noticed i attract alot of "normal" women because i make them laugh but I just feel like i cant let them know the real me and wen i do open up i normally get negative reactions

I'm married to a normiedoot. UGH, if I would have known then what I know now....I wouldn't be.

Incidently, I'd rather be with an ADDoot.....I've dated them before and they were the best.

for some reason I can only spot guys with add, how do women with ADD act? do they have the same symptoms as guys or what? its really hard for me to tell

awesome, I'm a junior member!:cool:

any other women who are dating/dated/married to a guy with ADD? how is your relationship? any responses would be appreciated

Well, I married a norm (I know, I know... :rolleyes: ), but otherwise I've always hit it off best with ADD guys, especially the smart, funny, inattentive ones. I think women are a little less likely to "look" overtly ADD at first. Most of us have gotten negative feedback in the past for acting the way we like to act. ;) But if you strike up a conversation with someone, and she's able to follow your leaps in logic, it's likely that you've found a kindred soul. (It would make it a lot easier if we'd all agree to wear the same T-shirt or something, wouldn't it? ;) )

I have dated normies since the beginning of starting out on "disater road of dating" and should I ever decide to date again I should want to find someone with ADD cause the men with ADD I have talked to are more understanding to what I am going through...Now If I could find someone with ADHD & Bipolar...I'd b e in heaven...maybe along with ADHD understanding their I could hopefully find someone strong enough to deal with the perks and quirks of Bipolar as well...We could all dream can we not:D

I have dated both ADD guys and "Norms"....and have found that over time the ADD on ADD relationship tends to deteriorate over time....you get on each other's nerves, and things become very unplesent. BUT on the other hand, I get bored with "norms" very quickly.

As for how women with ADHD act....I dunno about every one but I can clue you in on some key things I do that are not "normal"

1. Bounce...I don't stop moving, except when I sleep. God forbid if I get a hold of a pen that clicks...I could pen click for days on end.
2. I read 4 to 6 books at a time. One is to boring and not enough for me.
3. I seem to leave things in the fridge a lot. Also, I recently found a fork in my washing machine.
4. When in a resturant or somewhere where there is an extensive amount of stimuli, it is hard for me to stay focused on one thing. On a lot of dates, when eating, men seem to think I am not paying attention to them because of this.

I think those are probably some of my more noticable "qualities".

-Anty

This is an interesting topic! I WAS dating/living wih an un-medicated ADHD man for a year--it's because of him that I got dx'd! I noticed similar behaviors in terms of procrastination, financial issues and hoarding.
Unfortunately, I also found that he had other "qualities" that I could not live with. He was EXTREMELY argumentative, he would say things and then completely deny that he had said them, he had sexual obsessions that I couldn't handle and he could be extremely verbally insensitive and cruel. The final straw was when he became FURIOUS that I wouldn't drop out of grad school to move to another state with him when he got a new job (a job that lasted all of 3 months btw!), and then he started to approach becoming physically abusive.
Now, (perhaps unfairly) I associate ADHD (especially the Hyperactive aspect) in men with these very negative qualities and can't even BEGIN to imagine starting a relationship with one. I'm sure my ex has other issues that are just exacerbated by the ADHD, and as he said to me often, he acted out so much with me because he felt I understood him.
Thinking about this now, I suppose the type of ADD one has might make a difference in terms of the type of ADD'er one might be compatible with--perhaps in my case, someone with the inattentive type (which I have), who also has done some therapy work (the ex didn't believe in therapy!) would be a better match--but then again, someone with the regular qualities I'd look for in a man--i.e., kind, intelligent,SOH, etc, but who is organized and responsible seems TERRIBLY appealing to me! :)
Was my experience with ADHD in men an abberation or is this a familiar theme...?

Yeah thats what I was afraid of, I desire a "norm" and someone who is organized, intelligent and so forth but those relationships rarely seem to work with me, guess I just gotta keep searching.

Hi Jeremy,
I have ADHD and have been dating an ADHD guy for 2 1/2 years. I'm 29 and this is the longest & best relationship I've ever had. (The rest lasted no more than 3 or 4 months). So, I do think that we understand each other better because we both have ADHD. He still has a lot to learn about ADHD and how it affects me. It does affect women differently than men in a lot of ways. If you really want to know a good book to read is Women with Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden. That book could be my autobiography. There's a lot of similarities between ADHD men and women but this book explains very well how it especially affects women.

I"m non add but I would snap up my ADD best friend in a second, if I could. His mind is rich and complex, which is something that I really like in a man. And of course, he has a brutal sense of humour.

But this compatibility thing...I'm thinking there are a number of components required to get a good fit.

To start with, I think you have to be motivated to take the time and effort to understand yourself and each other, get educated.
Then you have to see, can you complement each other? Can you appreciate the positive attributes and accept the not so positive aspects of your partner?
Can you laugh?
Can you give each other space to move?
Is your personality suited to allow some patience and tolerance to develop for yourself and your partner.

These are some of the things that jump into my head for starters, anyway. People are so diverse!

Hi Again,


Re-reading this thread and giving it some thought, I think the REAL question is "what qualities are you looking for in a partner?".
Whether the person has ADD or not--we ALL want someone who is supportive, loving and respectful to us and our needs, quirks and idiosyncrasies (sp?)...some folks with ADD might be better suited to understand our special brand of weirdness, but then again, each of us manifests ADD sx's differently and have varying levels of tolerance for those behaviors from others! :)
I believe that I would *probably* be open enough to date someone else with ADHD IF they were; medicated, in therapy , +/or had done some therapeutic work on how their ADHD is perceived by and impacts upon others. Hell, I wouldn't date a NON-ADD'er who doesn't have some self-reflective qualities and the ability to know when the thing that's bugging them is actually me or is really some issue of their own! :D
The guy I currently date doesn't have ADD, but is understanding, supportive emotionally, self-reflective and a really nice guy! Can't beat that combination!! :) PLUS he has similar feelings regarding boredom and space in a relationship--2 REALLY BIG probable ADD-related issues for me.
Just my .02 cents, but if you date someone with ADD and you're both struggling with the same ADD issues or one (or both) of you has REALLY serious acting out problems, the good aspects (like humor, unusual insight, etc) can be outweighed if "bad" aspects (such as insane jealousy, emotional hyper-sensitivity, mood swings and serious procrastination) are dominant.
Keep looking for a person with the qualities YOU value and who appreciates and loves you just as you are...perhaps it will be another ADD'er or maybe not! :)

I'm gunna have to say, I do agree with a lot of what Zaft is saying.....

Being in the "dating" world is hard enough....But I think regardless if you have AD/HD or cancer, as long as you find an understanding and loving partner, you'll be ok :)

-Anty

Zafti, thanks for the well thought out reply, I agree with most of what you said :)

Ive dated both ADD and non-ADD guys. I have to say that I prefer non-ADD guys so far.

Truth is, I hate most of my traits. I do not think its cool to be messy, procrastinate, forget to pay bills, job-hop, have insomnia, figet, not pay attention to someone speaking to me, sleep in until noon or later, have headaches. These "personality traits" suck. I hate being like this but I can't help it.

When I was with ADD guys, the fun only lasted a couple of weeks maybe and thats it. It was all of the above symptoms doubled! Why would I want to date someone with symptoms Im trying to avoid? With the ADD guys, I was even MORE messy, forgetful, carefree, etc. Nothing productive ever got done!

Many of you like the fact that youre ADD and thats good. But I do not. It seems like I didn't get the "good" traits like being creative and fun. I need someone who is normal to help me out and keep me on track. My current bf is very understanding and I wouldn't trade him in for anything. He actually thinks its cute when Im clumsy. :)

So I guess it depends on you and what you like.

Good Luck.

well with a bf like that you got something to be hopeful about though eh?

I'm married to a normiedoot. UGH, if I would have known then what I know now....I wouldn't be.

Incidently, I'd rather be with an ADDoot.....I've dated them before and they were the best.


Ty JaimeJoot I rest my Case LOL!!!!!

Actually today I just broke up with a guy who didn't have ADD. He is everything I THOUGHT I wanted. Smart, funny, educated, very socially cool... but something just wasn't....right. He didn't get my sense of humor and I didn't really know how to talk to him. Even though I think I want a guy that is organized and can stay calm and doesn't make me crazy, in reality I AM dramatic and passionate and I have always been that way. And to pretend that I am not to be with somebody just isn't fair to either of us. I never really attributed it to ADD, but yes, I really do think that I would rather date sombody with ADD, that didn't think that things I did and said and the way I thought were random. Somebody that could understand me.

I'm undiagnosed, but so is my husband. I have to say, being married to someone with ADD is wonderful, truly wonderful. We understand each other perfectly. OK, so we have difficulty with getting the bills paid on time sometimes, and the living room has stacks of books piled all around. But come on--being with someone you love who also understands THIS is really beyond compare. And besides, I don't think "normal" people are quite as interesting as ADD people. OK, I know I'm biased, but you've got to admit that we ADDers are very interesting folk! :)

Ya know, I have to retract my former statement on this thread....

I wouldn't have it any other way....because the best is yet to come :D

My bf is a non-diagnosed ADD although I am pretty certain he is. I find myself attracted to them like a butterfly to light.
I can see him struggle to fight his ADD issues which encourages me to do the same. When he seems to be loosing the fight, well that's where I come in.
As for the downsides, well... he has a way with words - hmm less than perfect, but I learned to translate.
My ADD guy gives me all the space I desperately need together with the support and affection I also need. The delicate balance is pretty crucial for me.

So my vote would be - the intelligent, sensitive, strong ADDer

any other women who are dating/dated/married to a guy with ADD? how is your relationship? any responses would be appreciated
Hi i'm "seeing" a great guy with ADD. Mind you we've only been seeing each other for 4 wks, and I'm already losing my mind. He goes days without calling me and always has excuses as to where he's been. He doesn't call when he says he will. He's not there when I need him. I personally feel like he has the non chalant attitude towards this relationship. He says he really likes me a lot and wants a future with me, but his actions tell me otherwise. Maybe it's the ADD , maybe it's not. But I am totally confused with him.
Just my opinion, hope I haven't offended anyone.

I haven't posted very much on this site, though I've been a lurker for awhile, but I found this thread really interesting... I'm in the process (still, after about 5 1/2 months!) of being diagnosed ADD, mostly inattentive type. After reading everyone's replies I'm wondering if the reason I can never seem to connect with men is that I don't think I've met any with ADD. I always seem to get a blank look when making jokes or jumping from one topic to another...

So I'm wondering, how do I identify guys with ADD? Or where would they tend to hang out?

Check out your local CHADD meetings. I think it's probably chadd.org

Paul, you just made me spill coffee on my keyboard.....cracked me up laughing:D

(straight faced) What? (/straight faced)

I think the odds are better there than the local mental ward, though maybe hanging out in the waiting room of local psychiatrist's offices would be good too (grin).

Oh man, I have a lot to say on this topic. I recently broke up with a non-ADD very OCD guy, who on the surface I had a lot in common with. While we still are friends, and understand each other in many ways, while dating we got so tired of each other. He would try and manage my life and get very upset when I was lax about our plans. I'm also I guess very much of a "guy" when it comes to relationships. I don't call often, not because I don't care, but because I have to work so hard to maintain my own life that I often just can't bring myself to do it. Also I forget.

I also hate plans. So much so that I usually cancel them an hour before because I decide I don't want to do something. (how am I supposed to predict how I'll feel in 3 hours). I'm also not very sentimental and very matter of fact. This really got on his nerves, because I didn't respond to traditional romantic gestures, and he got on my nerves because that kind of stuff seems so insencere to me.

He'd always clean my house when he was over, because he couldn't stand it. And he would get mad at me when I'd accidentally mess up his (ex. leaving the shower curtain out of the tub and flooding the bathroom. whoops.)

I just want someone who is very low maintinence who forgets to call ME once in a while hahah. I want someone who I can not pay attention to for 2 hours and just sit next to and enjoy. Someone who won't mind if we do nothing, or go to the park and run around and act silly, instead of having romantic dinners or movie dates (not that I mind those though).

In the end, I get along a lot better with ADD boys. I've dated a few and our consentual neglect for each other is perfect for me. I love a boy who is socially innepropriate and doesn't worry about the status of the relationship so much.

But this compatibility thing...I'm thinking there are a number of components required to get a good fit.

To start with, I think you have to be motivated to take the time and effort to understand yourself and each other, get educated.
Then you have to see, can you complement each other? Can you appreciate the positive attributes and accept the not so positive aspects of your partner?
Can you laugh?
Can you give each other space to move?
Is your personality suited to allow some patience and tolerance to develop for yourself and your partner.

These are some of the things that jump into my head for starters, anyway. People are so diverse!

Great post. Who you are compatible with is so important to a lasting relationship. It's easy to admire qualities in others, especially ones you don't have but as wonderful as some qualities are the question needs to be asked, "Can I live with this?" My guess is that people often overestimate their own ability.

Other questions that would be important.

Do you share the same values?
Do you share the same desired level of commitment?
There's tons that you could come up with. (and would make great conversations early on that would give you both a clear understanding of where you are and are not compatible, what accomodations would have to be made and where understanding is most needed. The other possibility is you both have a good laugh, slap your foreheads and say, what were we thinking?


have varying levels of tolerance for those behaviors from others! :)
I believe that I would *probably* be open enough to date someone else with ADHD IF they were; medicated, in therapy , +/or had done some therapeutic work on how their ADHD is perceived by and impacts upon others. Hell, I wouldn't date a NON-ADD'er who doesn't have some self-reflective qualities and the ability to know when the thing that's bugging them is actually me or is really some issue of their own! :D

I don't know if this criteria would be one I'd consider all that important, only 25% of adults with ADHD have even been identified and not nearly that many are in treatment. They may not be in treatment because they have no idea what it means practically to have this condition. I think I'd make my decision more on the basis of openeness to make changes in your life when changes are necessary.


Truth is, I hate most of my traits. I do not think its cool to be messy, procrastinate, forget to pay bills, job-hop, have insomnia, figet, not pay attention to someone speaking to me, sleep in until noon or later, have headaches. These "personality traits" suck. I hate being like this but I can't help it.

I like bold statements of truth, yeah, I think we're all aware of the suck factor with our condition. The thing that stands out for me tho is the "I hate my traits." comment. Truth is, I wouldn't go out with anyone who used hate or felt justifying stigma was acceptable.

You're most likely quite young, and my heart goes out to you. Try it on for size 20 years into being an adult and "hating your traits", I can tell you from experience that such an attitude is 'the long hard row to hoe"

In my experience dealing with realistic attitudes and expectations of myself isn't about 'giving in' but placing a higher value on the quality of my life than some pre-set conditional marker.







Many of you like the fact that youre ADD and thats good. But I do not. It seems like I didn't get the "good" traits like being creative and fun. I need someone who is normal to help me out and keep me on track. My current bf is very understanding and I wouldn't trade him in for anything. He actually thinks its cute when Im clumsy. :)


You apparently got the good trait of being just so darn adorable. I'm glad this is working out for you. Isn't it nice to have someone love some of your adhd traits? Many of my friends enjoy me very much, and when I find the only gopher hole at the bbq and go *** over tea kettle, they do laugh, but not in an unkind way, but because I've got a great sense of humour, yep, it's part of my adhd, and it can be mighty inconvenient to go out on a date and slam into a light pole.. but it also creates a lot of opportunity to have a good laugh.




I really do think that I would rather date sombody with ADD, that didn't think that things I did and said and the way I thought were random. Somebody that could understand me.

I recall reading a quote somewhere by someone I'll call author unknown "getting understanding in life is a luxury" It always struck me as kinda cynical but also hard to deny the truth of it. Having ADHD I find it does require understanding between two people. It goes straight from luxury to need. Being comfortable is fantastic.

You shouldn't pick one pick or the other. Love comes naturaly. Two people fall in love and also fall out . Relationships require trust, communication, and compromise.

I'm 19 and have never dated. I have never really met a guy that has interested me.... maybe a handful in my entire life, and they were all ADHD. Usually I find most guys really boring.

It's always the same.. Handsome! Smart! Funny! .... Boring.

So sigh, yes I would love a guy with ADHD.

Right now I'm in college, and definitely don't have time for dating. But did any of you guys have the same problem when you were younger?

Hi! I have been with my boy for 4 years now, it's my first really serious relationship I have ever had, and I cannot imagine a life without him! He is diagnosed with ADHD, tourettes, Insomnia and light Aspergers. I a ´m diagnosed with SAD, and last week I finished my evaluation on ADD, and it's pretty obvius I have it.. So... Its been a rocky road for the two of us, but he is the only one that truly knows me, I can't hide anything from him, we know each other so well. It wasn't until last year I actually started to wonder if maybe I also have ADD, and started to do some research. When i started reading about the symptomes it was like I was reading about me!
Anyway. We live together, and needless to say that with two people with ADD its pretty much a mess at our place... :/ When we know we really should tidy the place up, it just cant be done, its too much! dont know where to begin! And since english is only my second language, pls be patient with the spelling ;)
Got so much to say but dont know where to begin, so maybe better just to ask me and I will tell .

// Tina