View Full Version : Do I really need real friends if I like being alone?


StoicNate
05-20-11, 05:55 PM
I did a lot of thinking about being social and not being social.

I've been alone most of my life and felt uncomfortable around people, so I thought "Why do I have to change into a social person all of a sudden?"

I realized that it's so much easier to be alone and be with myself the most.
I still like internet friends, but in real life I feel that I don't need friends.

I respect good people and I'm nice to them, but don't have the need to be social with them.

I really like weight training and feel comfortable with myself now.

With being alone, there's no problems with:
* Drama
* Flakes
* Trying to please people
* Miscommunication
* Arguments

I can do what ever I want without being judged, since nobody knows me.
It sounds extreme, but why do I have to make myself be social when I never really have been?

What do you think of this?
I would like to get opinions and your thought about this.

metzfanaz
05-20-11, 06:02 PM
I think we need some kind of social interaction, if anything to learn and get different views on things. Plus to not go crazy from lonliness.

I hear ya though, if I could go my life by myself I would. The only thing I would need is a dog, a little someone to play fetch with, feed and take care of and amuse me with silly things they do.

Now, that is weird coming from someone who is married as I have someone around all the time. My wife is awesome, no doubt, but there are times I just seriously want to, as Bruce said in Hungry Heart, make a wrong turn and just keep going. Find me a shack somewhere and live off the land. This has gotten a lot worse since we're both on the same schedule together for the first time since around 04ish as I am not getting any decompression time.

Trooper Keith
05-20-11, 06:03 PM
I see no reason why you have to have friends. You probably ought to be able to function socially for work purposes, but I don't see a reason why you'd need to make friends, etc. if you don't want to.

BR549
05-20-11, 06:11 PM
You don't have to have friends if you don't want them. I think that changing yourself or acting a certain to please others isn't part of a real friendship anyway.

Sometimes it's nice to interact with others. Go to dinner, a movie, hang out. But I don't do it every weekend. I don't talk with my friends every day, either. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone with you. To share a bond with someone.

As you get older, the drama and flakiness tend to subside (depending on the person :p) and you'll find most people don't want a lot of drama and upheaval in their lives. You'll still run across those that thrive on it. Most people just want a friend they can turn to.

I've had many friends throughout the years, but I have to say my closest friend (next to my husband) started out as an acquaintance I met through soccer about 9 years ago. We kept running into each other and eventually had lunch one day. We've been friends since then. It's only been within the last 4 years that we've become really close friends. If we didn't talk to each other for 2 months, that was okay. Neither of us thought the other was mad or anything. There's no drama or flakiness (other than we are both flakey), no fakeness, no pretention. It's real. I've never really had a friendship like this and I realize how lucky I am. If I only have one good friendship in my life and this is it, that's okay.

It's good that you are comfortable and happy with yourself. If you really don't care if you have friends or not, that's okay. As long as you are open to the possibility of making friends. Good friends are often found in the most unlikely of places and under the most unusual circumstances. It's the same with how some people find their boyfriend or girlfriend.

As long as you are happy and content and don't feel like you need friends right now. That's okay. Just don't shut yourself off from the possibility of making friends. :) Especially if the situation presents itself.

StoicNate
05-20-11, 06:55 PM
I know that life is incomplete without social support (friends).

It's just, I always get ignored by people and feel bad about it, so I just thought "***** it, I don't need people if they don't want me around".

And then there's the people that want me to change myself in order to fit in with them.

Being alone feels right for me. I'm not shutting out all interaction.
Most people feel uncomfortable with me and I feel uncomfortable with them anyway.

I had to interview a person for one of my classes and it was uncomfortable for both of us. I don't get people.

I just don't need people right now. I feel better off alone.

String
05-20-11, 07:13 PM
We're social creatures. Our lives are pretty much defined by our relationships with others. Even our basic needs, like food and clothing and shelter, are a lot easier with social interaction. Things like friendship, emotional and sexual intimacy, are impossible without social interaction, and I think most of us, even those of us who prefer to be alone, have a longing for some of those things.

No need to be a social butterfly, but no need to turn off the world. Enjoy some of those moments of "getting" someone. I bet there are times when people sort of "get" you. Anyone who is truly honest about life feels somewhat alone, but it might not be healthy to unnecessarily magnify this aloneness.

salleh
05-20-11, 08:58 PM
I think you should feel free to be who you are.......and as I have said before, you're a nice person ......there very well might come a time when you want to have a friend or two.....so don't close yourself off the the whole idea altogether.......


......let any friendships come that come......but dinna fash yersel....( that's what they way in Scotland) .....but don't worry about it ......

Andon
05-25-11, 07:49 AM
DUDE this is sorta how i feel.

i would put it like this

internet friends > no friends > friends

internet friends rule.. cause even though they are real, they aren't real at the same time. they're just like another part of my imagination, my own little world.

i have friends on internet games that you feel like are better friends than anyone you know in real life..
but if you tell that to your real life friends they think there is something wrong with you.

i have about 3 good friends in real life..... but sooo many people want to hang out with me and make me come along to parties and events and i just don't want to!! i dont like people usually.

i like myself, i talk to myself all the time, i talk talk talk non stop in my head to myself, and when i get the chance i talk out loud (not around other people)

usually when i go to a party and everyones drinking and having a "great" time, i will just disappear into the shadows and over the fence, and i'll walk down the street and find a nice spot in a park, or behind a car or something and just chill with myself and a beer or a joint

and just hang out by myself.

i've never been afraid of being alone or being alone in dark or potentially dangerous areas.

i have a lot of "secret spots" around my area that i go to just to chill by myself. sometimes i take a girl with me and they are always like "no!! i don't want to go up there/in there (high or dangerous places)"
it frustrates me because these places i like are awesome to me and no one sees it like that.

the sound barrier that is beside the highway is so awesome, it overlooks mountains and the sunset is great. everyone is scared of going there except this one girl, she is fascinated by me and likes all my spots.
a good spot is climbing up on top of a shade cloth that goes over a playground, you go up there and look at the stars, it's like a big hammock.
most people think "oh no what if it breaks?!" it's so anoying like you're going to die one day so if it's now who really cares! it's not like you'd die anyway, maybe a broken arm but that's no big deal.

that's why i find it easier to be alone. plus when you're alone you don't have to try prove yourself to anyone.... and no one is there to witness things you do that could get you in a lot of trouble or embarrasment. (yes i do some very strange things by myself i'm not going to say just yet)

anyway... is this sorta like you stoicnate

buggie
05-25-11, 12:04 PM
I did a lot of thinking about being social and not being social.

I've been alone most of my life and felt uncomfortable around people, so I thought "Why do I have to change into a social person all of a sudden?"

I realized that it's so much easier to be alone and be with myself the most.
I still like internet friends, but in real life I feel that I don't need friends.

I respect good people and I'm nice to them, but don't have the need to be social with them.

I really like weight training and feel comfortable with myself now.

With being alone, there's no problems with:
* Drama
* Flakes
* Trying to please people
* Miscommunication
* Arguments

I can do what ever I want without being judged, since nobody knows me.
It sounds extreme, but why do I have to make myself be social when I never really have been?

What do you think of this?
I would like to get opinions and your thought about this.

well no, you may not really NEED them, but keep in mind that friends aren't just for socializing, friends are your network and support system to help you get through life. I'm not talking about emotional support- friends can help you move stuff or loan you money or drive you to the hospital or watch your pets, get you a job, whatever. They do this for you, you do it for them. It's the way of life- it's very difficult for a person to never need help. I am a person who doesn't like to ask for it, and I don't rely on my friends very much, but I am always willing to help them, and I know that in the rare circumstances when I do need help, it's there. I'm not sure how old you are, but the older you get the more important this stuff becomes. There's a reason why TV shows like Seinfeld and Friends and Sex and the City and How I Met Your Mother are so popular- they show us the "families" people have and how they rely on each other.

I have respect for people who prefer being alone, but at the same time you are cutting yourself short. Yes, a lot of people really suck. But there are some that don't, and it's good to be friends with those people! And even people who are not so fantastic can add value to your life. I have friends who are judgmental. I have friends who are drama queens. I have friends who are annoying and friends who are even a little mean. But that's part of life because nobody's perfect, and it's how you choose to deal with these imperfections in others that speaks to who you are and how enjoyable your life can be. If you have a drama queen friend, and you respond with drama, then it's going to suck. But if you chalk it up to who that person is and accept it but stay above it, it's fine. We all live in the same space and share resources and need help and support. It's one thing to like to being alone, but complete isolation just doesn't seem like the best option for anyone.

StoicNate
05-25-11, 01:37 PM
Buggie, I know that friends are a social network and support...BUT I never really had that in real life.

I got so used to being ignored (most of my life--in school and out) that I don't need real life friends anymore.

I mean I will be friendly to people that I meet outside, but after that I really can't handle real friends.

sarek
05-25-11, 02:04 PM
I think you should live your life the way that feels best to you. And if that means not needing close friends than that is your chosen lifestyle and it is as good and valid as any other. The last thing you need to do is become a slave to social conventions and on that basis doubt your chosen path.

On the whole I am seeing quite a few stories about people having trouble with friendships. For myself it seems crystal clear why that would be so. The vast majority of people we meet in real life are neurotypicals. Its a matter of statistics. And perhaps friendships with them are possible but I find myself lacking the strength and commitment to figure out how to make them work.

And I am lucky because I have always had a very sensitive antenna for people who are compatible with me and sometimes they even seem to materialise into my life as if by magic, almost as if they are meant to be there.

So I have almost always, at any point in my life, had one or two good compatible friends. I dont need to see them often or hang out all the time. Once a week on average is good enough for me.

On the internet on the other hand things are so very different. The internet is a wonderful people filter. You can easily find only those people you feel kinship with, like the people on this forum. And that is the reason I have many good online friends. 80% or more of all the people who are important to me are or have in the past been on this forum.

StoicNate
05-25-11, 02:24 PM
I really love all the friends online here. They're awesome. They're the only people that really know me.

Fortune
05-25-11, 02:29 PM
We're social creatures. Our lives are pretty much defined by our relationships with others. Even our basic needs, like food and clothing and shelter, are a lot easier with social interaction. Things like friendship, emotional and sexual intimacy, are impossible without social interaction, and I think most of us, even those of us who prefer to be alone, have a longing for some of those things.

No need to be a social butterfly, but no need to turn off the world. Enjoy some of those moments of "getting" someone. I bet there are times when people sort of "get" you. Anyone who is truly honest about life feels somewhat alone, but it might not be healthy to unnecessarily magnify this aloneness.

How do you "get" someone? Or rather, what does that phrase mean?

I spend most of my time alone, maybe socialize face to face for upwards of 10 hours a week, but more likely 5. It's actually stressful being around people for too long, and I much prefer not being around people.

Recently I had internet difficulties for several days straight, and rather than talk to people because I had no internet, I found it easier to watch DVDs and play Mass Effect 2 again. When the power goes out I tend to get a lantern and read a book. The last time the power went out I spent some time with my sister and her children and it just left me feeling exhausted and burned out.

Does everyone really have the same social needs?

StoicNate
05-25-11, 02:34 PM
How do you "get" someone?

I spend most of my time alone, maybe socialize face to face for upwards of 10 hours a week, but more likely 5. It's actually stressful being around people for too long, and I much prefer not being around people.

Recently I had internet difficulties for several days straight, and rather than talk to people because I had no internet, I found it easier to watch DVDs and play Mass Effect 2 again. When the power goes out I tend to get a lantern and read a book. The last time the power went out I spent some time with my sister and her children and it just left me feeling exhausted and burned out.

Does everyone really have the same social needs?

Lol it's my thread, JK. I don't mind.
But yeah I don't mind people. It's more when things get too close with people it gets awkward for me and the person.

That's why I don't want real friends in real life.
It'd be nice to have a friend, but the stress that goes with it doesn't appeal to me.

Fortune
05-25-11, 02:45 PM
Lol it's my thread, JK. I don't mind.
But yeah I don't mind people. It's more when things get too close with people it gets awkward for me and the person.

That's why I don't want real friends in real life.
It'd be nice to have a friend, but the stress that goes with it doesn't appeal to me.

Yeah, I was just throwing in my own experience, and wondering at this assumption of a universal social need/experience. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

I meant to add that I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I usually end up spending time with people because some of my hobbies require other people, but when left to my own devices, I tend to just spend all my time alone, and it doesn't really bother me.

Conversations like this sort of make me wonder, though, because people start thinking their needs/wants are perhaps more universal than they are.

Oh, and for what it's worth: I have found something of a support network with people online. Some of those things people say you need face to face interactions to get are findable that way. It's not always easy to get everything, though.

buggie
05-25-11, 02:47 PM
How do you "get" someone? Or rather, what does that phrase mean?


I don't necessarily agree with the rest of that post, because I don't really believe that every human needs social interaction on that level. I think in general conventional wisdom can be very liberal about what is assumed to be "human nature." If someone like the people in this thread claim they really don't feel a need for social interaction, then we shouldn't think of that behavior as somehow "less human." Just my 2 cents on that.

As far as "getting" someone...I think it just means making a real connection with someone, understanding who they are, how they think, etc. Sometimes I think we make this idea out to be much bigger and more mystical and magical than it really is. "Getting" someone can be as much as just understanding that your friend gets ****y when he has issues at work or that your mother gets anxious when your father's away, without these people having to explicitly tell you this stuff. It's like knowing what a certain professor is looking for in a term paper...there are "deeper" versions of this that most people associate with intimacy and romantic relationships, but can also really apply to friendships. Sort of like what the term "soul mate" seeks to describe.

I think that I come to "get" other people fairly easily, but I'm not sure the extent to which people "get" me. You have to have a willingness to "get" someone, you can't just take everything at face value, it's about understanding what's going on beneath the surface.

buggie
05-25-11, 02:52 PM
Buggie, I know that friends are a social network and support...BUT I never really had that in real life.

I got so used to being ignored (most of my life--in school and out) that I don't need real life friends anymore.

I mean I will be friendly to people that I meet outside, but after that I really can't handle real friends.

Well, there are all different levels of friendship. You can have "friends" that you only call when you want say...go see a band that you both like. Or friends don't see very often but you know they'd help you out if you need it. You can have friends you discuss all your thoughts and feelings with and friends you just get drunk and party with. If a friend makes you feel stressed, you can just reduce contact from whatever level it was at.

The only reason I am encouraging you to consider the different levels of friendship is because even if you are totally cool being alone today, you never know what tomorrow will bring. It's like me and romantic relationships. The past few years I've really not felt much of any need for them, but recently I have been feeling like a want one. People change, circumstances change, it's nice to stay open about things.

StoicNate
05-25-11, 02:56 PM
For me it's like this: Some people I "get" but they don't "get" me.
And that's when things don't work with the friendship even though I try, which then leads to stress and a bad feeling.

Sometimes it's just difficult to describe things to real life people. I just like being alone so I don't have to get stressed for no reason.

buggie
05-25-11, 03:06 PM
For me it's like this: Some people I "get" but they don't "get" me.
And that's when things don't work with the friendship even though I try, which then leads to stress and a bad feeling.

Sometimes it's just difficult to describe things to real life people. I just like being alone so I don't have to get stressed for no reason.

well, I just feel like if someone doesn't "get" you, you shouldn't feel stress trying to explain it to them, just let it go. I don't feel like people get me very often, and sometimes that requires being a little more explicit, "I know you don't understand, but this is important to me" or "that hurt my feelings, it's just the way my mind works." If they aren't willing to accept it and just move on, then you just let them go for a while or forever.

I have some friends that I "get" in that I'm going to know exactly how they'll react to something or whatever, but I cannot for the life of me relate to how this individual thinks. For example, I have one friend that overreacts to EVERYTHING she perceives as any kind of social slight, she ALWAYS seems to be mad at someone, and she seems to only be interested in herself. I neither like these qualities about her nor do I understand someone like that. But she's in my life and has been for years. I don't let the things I don't understand stress me out. I know she probably doesn't "get" me at all either. But as long as someone is not taking advantage of you or draining your energy at every turn, there is always value from another person added to your life. I don't know why this is really, but it just seems to be true. I read some research recently that said it is "connections" with other people that is the biggest indicator of happiness. It didn't say friendships or intimacy or romantic involvement, just "connections." It's very interesting.

Fortune
05-25-11, 04:25 PM
But as long as someone is not taking advantage of you or draining your energy at every turn, there is always value from another person added to your life. I don't know why this is really, but it just seems to be true. I read some research recently that said it is "connections" with other people that is the biggest indicator of happiness. It didn't say friendships or intimacy or romantic involvement, just "connections." It's very interesting.

When just about everyone drains your energy, how does that work? I'm not saying I don't deal with people because of that (because I do deal with people, although minimally). What I mean is being around people itself is draining.

I am not sure what connections means in this context.

johnbriner
05-26-11, 11:39 AM
There is this line( I just can't remember who said this)-- "If you make friends with yourself, you will never be alone"-- well, this is somehow true. And in your case, if you think you are happy with just being yourself, I mean being alone, then stick with that. But it is always better with your friends around you.

anonymouslyadd
07-25-11, 09:53 PM
Hey Nate, I've given this thread a lot of thought. I know you've said that you enjoy being alone. I'm not really going to comment on that. I wanted to express to you how friends are important to us.

I have worked on rationalizing why I needed friends. It's so easy to have them slip away. It takes work to maintain friendships too. We ADDers will definately have to work harder to maintain these relationships. I think the hard work is beneficial though.

Friends can help us find jobs. I've been unemployed for a very long time. Recently, I got in touch with a friend, asking her for help with my job search. She works in one of the areas I am interested in. Well, it just so happens that she is the person responsible for hiring at her employer, and they are hiring! I had an interview today. I don't know if I'll get the job or even take it, but I would not have had the opportunity without this friendship.

The cliche "it's not what you know. It's who you know" is very true. I've been applying for jobs for months and have had little offers. Yes, the economy has been sputtering worse than a 1991 Pontiac Grand Am. But, some companies are hiring.

The second reason why I think friends are important is because they can comfort us. Just the fact that I can say I'm friends with someone makes me feel good. Also, friends are very beneficial when you need assistance, which I think is a part of a friendship. I can't tell you how many times this one friend of mine has driven me to an auto parts store when I had to work on my car.

So, take it or leave it man. I just wanted to say that I feel friends are important to have.

Rebelyell
07-25-11, 10:27 PM
It is draining to deal w people especially when they dont get it.You have to explain a hundred times and then I wonder when there like what was that.I'll be like wtf are you deaf and braindead?! You didnt hear a freaking word I said did you.or you have to be around people where you dont know if there up down or all around and its like walking on eggshells.Who the hell wants or needs that.?Ive experienced meanspirited people at work/school and Ill ask some 1 do you think so n so is like this and there like what do you mean ?I dont really see that.Im getting wise now people like that or either butt kissers w the other person,or spinless and cowards or dont have a clue to whats going on around them.I feel the same way nate Ill meet some 1 and Ill be thinking this is great,they think like me and then out of the blue they just switch it up and Im like What just happened here?

anonymouslyadd
07-25-11, 11:10 PM
For me it's like this: Some people I "get" but they don't "get" me.
And that's when things don't work with the friendship even though I try, which then leads to stress and a bad feeling.

Sometimes it's just difficult to describe things to real life people. I just like being alone so I don't have to get stressed for no reason.

Yea, I know. I've been in and out of friendships because of this. I try to stay away from those who don't get me. In fact, I don't feel like the guy I was a groomsman for gets me. :(

I think it's important for us to be around people who have our best interests at heart and get who are.

For me, I think it's important to keep trying.

speculative
07-26-11, 12:49 AM
It's fine to be a lone flower amongst a thousand blades of grass:

http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u240/speculative1/Lone-Flower-in-Field2.jpg

However, are you alone because you want to be, or because it's easier and more comfortable? Comfortable isn't always what's best for us, and seldom leads to growth...

...felt uncomfortable around people...

...it's so much easier to be alone...

With being alone, there's no problems with:
* Drama
* Flakes
* Trying to please people
* Miscommunication
* Arguments

I can do what ever I want without being judged...

Drama: People who perform drama can be looking for attention to feed on. If you do not give them that attention, they may stop performing drama.

Flakes: Just like frosted breakfast cereal, contents may settle during shipping. But this doesn't mean they can't still be tasty. Just turn them over until you find their frosted side. :)

Trying to please people: This is internal, a feeling within us, vs. having something to do with those around us. I feel the need to do this also, but when I feel more confident I feel less of a need to people please.

Miscommunication: Communication sometimes gets better with practice, sometimes not. There are still people I meet that simply cannot understand me. My voice sounds weird (I've recorded it and listened to it played back, it's kind of embarrassing how bad it sounds) and I jump around while talking because my mouth follows my internal monologue. On the other hand, I've found people I just click with...

Arguments: Arguments over things like who used up the sugar for the coffee, or arguments over principle? Let the small stuff go, and it will leave you more energy to fight the fights you really must win...

We are all judged, even if it's only us judging ourselves. It is not possible to escape consequences, and with add time blindness consequences can grow to massive proportions before we notice them.

Sometimes, I feel the most alone in a crowd:

http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u240/speculative1/Sad.gif

Other times, I manage not to let the crowd get the best of me:

http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u240/speculative1/Happy.jpg

I agree with what Sarek said, but add that you want to make sure that you are in control of the decision to be with others or with yourself, and it's not anxiety, depression, or something else that's in control of the decision. That you can see the consequences of a decision either way, so that they will not sneak up on you later and lead to regret. That you are asking questions shows you are reflecting, and consciously making the decision, which is a good sign. But everyone suffers from at least a little self-deception, and if you are mostly alone then there is always the chance that you will completely fool yourself. It has happened to me before, that's for sure. When there are others around who have your best interests at heart, it's more difficult for things to be distorted from what they really are, and it's easier to do what may be uncomfortable, but necessary to grow...

pedalpounder
07-26-11, 02:27 AM
A 'complete' social life is like this:

. . . . . . . . . . . . parent
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
. . . . F w/Benefits - O - . Carpooler (for conversation)
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
. . . . . . . . . . . . . child

Anything more is luxury.

gramatiklove
07-28-11, 12:13 AM
There's nothing wrong with solitude and independence. Some people, like myself and other posters, feel most comfortable and at ease alone. You don't have to deal with drama, judgment, paranoia, entertaining people, etc. Granted, it sure gets lonely being alone ALL OF THE TIME, that's why you only make plans when you will really stick to them and honestly, your REAL friends will understand. I've been in some incredibly strange and even uncomfortable living situations and let me tell you, now that I am living with my boyfriend only, and not other previous negative environments, I really enjoy my solitude. I'd say, it doesn't hurt to keep a few people close, those who understand and accept your desire to be alone and will appreciate your presence no matter how often or not they see you. I have few friends like this, but hold onto them, they're few and far between. Otherwise, do your own thing, dance around like an idiot, cough up money during these hard times and treat yourself to a good time, even a few friends depending on how you're feeling, buy yourself a little something, it's your life and whatever makes you happiest is what is best for you :)

VelvetTiger
07-29-11, 01:45 AM
I've never kept friends over the long term. I have many acquaintances but I don't form real friendships. My one social outlet is a club scene for people in their 30s who like 80s/alternative dance music. I am well-liked there and make my rounds every weekend talking to everyone. Aside from this large group of acquaintances, I don't make friends. I'd rather talk to strangers, chat up someone in a checkout line, whatever. It's a quick and pleasant little interaction that requires no long-term investment.

When I have tried to make closer friendships, they have not suited me. People I used to know were looking for something different than what I can provide them. I have lost friends because I would not be that romantic partner, and others because they could not get that romantic partner they wanted. And I have lost friends who struggled silently with their own mental health issues, but who viewed my choosing to address and treat mine as a weakness. I recognize that people who are looking for no-strings-attached friendship, or who don't hold people up to standards they can't meet themselves are rare by comparison, and until I meet those people, I prefer my own company.

NeoWarrior83
08-05-11, 04:51 PM
Every person no matter how extrovert/introvert they are need some friends to count on. We humans are gregarious creatures and by nature we need to interact with someone one way or another to fulfill part of our emotional needs. Sure we like to be sometimes alone to think and solving a live puzzle and to recover our energy because we need that too. We can't be all the time talking and talking. The balance between sharing a good time with our friends and being alone to do our stuff is the key to enjoy our social life.

That's my two cents.;)

kitty92
08-11-11, 02:22 PM
its hard to find good feinds but i belive that they creat a critcal safty net for our add socal difrentces i read is in doctor hawell's driven from distration he spoke about comanyonship like it is the best treatment for add im an adder not an expurt but i used to feel that way to and now i wouldnt want to live a day with out the guys. i have 8 freinds now and better yet they're even misfits just like us. a bypolar(rie) add(hef and cris) a tomboy(izzy) an otaku (mitch, zac, dan and emmy) we all have our own problems but because we have eachother we can help eachother you should find one loyal one then the others come natrualy take classes with things you like to do and most imporantly be truthful honesty leads to honesty

Impromptu_DTour
08-11-11, 02:42 PM
I did a lot of thinking about being social and not being social.

I've been alone most of my life and felt uncomfortable around people, so I thought "Why do I have to change into a social person all of a sudden?"

I realized that it's so much easier to be alone and be with myself the most.
I still like internet friends, but in real life I feel that I don't need friends.

I respect good people and I'm nice to them, but don't have the need to be social with them.

I really like weight training and feel comfortable with myself now.

With being alone, there's no problems with:
* Drama
* Flakes
* Trying to please people
* Miscommunication
* Arguments

I can do what ever I want without being judged, since nobody knows me.
It sounds extreme, but why do I have to make myself be social when I never really have been?

What do you think of this?
I would like to get opinions and your thought about this.

i dont believe that it is necissary for everyone to be a socialbutterfly.. i think that if the social economy theory isnt applying to you in many social situations, and is causing you deficit, than there shouldnt be a problem. i myself fluctuate between bouts of extreme social behavior to bouts of extreme (not anti) non-social behavior.. and my preferances fluctuate aswell. but some measure of social interaction i do believe is necissary for a healthy spirit.. and it might not even have to be the typical hang out with a ton of friends.

i myself have 2 really close friends who are married who i actually live beside.. once a week me an him have a show we watch, and we interact as neighbors, but our endearments for eachother are as close friends should be. we pop over for brief visits etc. mind you interaction online is also social behavior.. but it is of a different nature and i think that's important to monitor. i feel it is important to recognize if you are developing a mistrust of the world around you - that could be a sign of something that you need to seek appraisal for.

To some capacity social skills are important, even if you might not feel that they are right now to relate to your peers and cohorts at this period of your life, they are well to keep in functioning order for later.. shutting yourself out can be "safe".. but it can also atrophy parts of your spirit that you might not recognize right away.. and make relating to the world not only uncomfortable.. and tasking.. but also causes anxiety and fear. Do you need to have a million friends? no.

But i think its important to identify what the root motivation is for you in this "place" that you're finding yourself.

Are you truly comfortable and at ease in this? which is fine.
or
Are you feeling this way because you already are feeling dissociated and anxious, and are finding a bridge to make that ok?

if its the latter you could be causing yourself harm.

being social in the capacity that everyone else is .. is not important, and really its not realistic for many of our situations within ourselves.. one thing i try and maintain within myself about this.. is that i feel that just like exercising it is important to have in some measure. i dont like to excersize. but the truth is that it is necissary in some capacity for healthy living, in mind and spirit.

I_DTour

tweetiebirdk
08-22-11, 06:13 PM
I didnt read all the thread but I do like being on my own and need it.

Sometimes I try to be friends with people I click with but it never works out. I deffinately want a relationship and Im able for that and they would be my best friend anyway I presume + I get on with men as friends better I feel even though they are no better thhan women ,but friends hmm idk Im actually so put off of them maybe because I fell into strange friendships with people who criticized me and because I was not as nice as I thought. Ive had really poor sel-esteem image and confidence which has all these nock on effects that made me avoid friendships that I wanted Im also a schizoid type possibly according to the doc's so far.and have always been overly chatty about stuff that others arent when younger (maybe schizoids can go though periods of chattyness about disinteresting stuff to others)and made fun of/avoided /isolated because of it which led to me seeming like a psychopath by then saying very little - nothing in my teens.

....I wish connecting with friends was easy .
Idk the people Ive been friends with were either extreme swots (who never ever wanted to do anything at all except study) or extreme 'into boyfriends and socialising ' Its just not me and I fond the going out and the recap of the night with the people I was with draining confusing as I had no interest and just did it to seem social and even though Im rarely if ever with anyone and was suicidal about my appearance I was constantly getting blamed for being a slapper GO FIGURE.

I feel that now Im more for just a serious relationship and that thats who I am now I want to have a lot of aqquaintances but Im disillusioned sceptical and just indifferent to friendships this dosnt mean I wont try to make friends but I just dont care anymore , and want to remain at a comfortable distance.

I know this sounds like a whinge but I hate that Ive learned this and I think people who dont think like this are lucky because I cant feel any differently anymore .because I have obsessive ruminating thoughts

StoicNate
08-22-11, 06:24 PM
I hate myself.

daveddd
08-22-11, 06:27 PM
have you had therapy

sounds like you need it

there are good ones, if you let them be

StoicNate
08-22-11, 06:32 PM
have you had therapy

sounds like you need it

there are good ones, if you let them be

I try to have friends, but I always screw something up. I just hate how I fu.ck everything up.

I don't feel comfortable with myself anymore. I don't ever get a response from people. I hate them too.

daveddd
08-22-11, 06:40 PM
I try to have friends, but I always screw something up. I just hate how I fu.ck everything up.

I don't feel comfortable with myself anymore. I don't ever get a response from people. I hate them too.

there are 100s of us on here with social issues just like yours



probably with several of your same issues


none of us like it





but you probably dont screw up as much as you think, and people probably like you and wonder why you push them away



its easy to think people dont like us


a continuously negative self image through the years, will do it to the best of us



to me you seem like a normal dude, who likes to help out people with questions, when you have an answer, and is honest and not a smart ***





whats so bad about that?

tweetiebirdk
08-22-11, 06:42 PM
I try to have friends, but I always screw something up. I just hate how I fu.ck everything up.

I don't feel comfortable with myself anymore. I don't ever get a response from people. I hate them too.


I feel the same its ok. hugs

Has something happened that led up to it recently?


Yup I get a rubbish response from people I try to connect with because I want to be friends .

tweetiebirdk
08-22-11, 06:44 PM
there are 100s of us on here with social issues just like yours



probably with several of your same issues


none of us like it





but you probably dont screw up as much as you think, and people probably like you and wonder why you push them away



its easy to think people dont like us


a continuously negative self image through the years, will do it to the best of us



to me you seem like a normal dude, who likes to help out people with questions, when you have an answer, and is honest and not a smart ***





whats so bad about that?

yup I agree .

Rebelyell
08-22-11, 06:55 PM
Ive think my negative self imagine and constant put downs of myself have driven people away.Without me even realizing it or maybe they think theres something wrong w me for doing that and yes there right for thinking that of course theres something wrong w me.NO person in there right mind puts themselves down constantly and belittles themselves.

daveddd
08-22-11, 06:57 PM
Ive think my negative self imagine and constant put downs of myself have driven people away.Without me even realizing it or maybe they think theres something wrong w me for doing that and yes there right for thinking that of course theres something wrong w me.NO person in there right mind puts themselves down constantly and belittles themselves.

i guess im not in my right mind

Rebelyell
08-22-11, 06:58 PM
:oIm sorry I didnt mean it like that,inserts foot in the mouth again.I ment nts dont do that but they will run w it and belittle you even more it seems.

tweetiebirdk
08-22-11, 07:02 PM
.NO person in there right mind puts themselves down constantly and belittles themselves.

well who has a 'right mind ' ?? :p but ya i like your quote and there are enough people who are doing it to us with great speed and willingness and love for it without us doing it to ourselves aswell. I have been finding out this lately and it is true , but was hard for me to do.

ADHDTigger
08-22-11, 07:04 PM
(((hugs))) Dave and Rebel.

I'm not in my right mind either. Especially when "right mind" is defined by someone else. Now if I get to set the definitions, we have something else.

I honestly think that the whole self esteem thing is more than we really talk about. I think that it has a greater impact than we may be aware of.

I need to think on this...

daveddd
08-22-11, 07:09 PM
:oIm sorry I didnt mean it like that,inserts foot in the mouth again.I ment nts dont do that but they will run w it and belittle you even more it seems.

oh i was jokin

but i agree 100%

i do nothing but put myself down, even though i know better


and i really am starting to believe any negative vibes, or cues or whatever i get from people are nothing more than my own projection



my own miserable self , giving myself more excuses to blame everyone but myself

tweetiebirdk
08-22-11, 07:15 PM
Are we Personalising too much (still for me)

i.e. taking everything said by others as a slight to us even when it means nothing about us and is sometimes even stuff they do deliberately because they are not so nice or are in a mood that has nothing to do with us.


How do you avoid this

StoicNate
08-22-11, 07:27 PM
I'm not socially aware when I'm around people. I constantly don't get jokes or other stuff like that, that "normal"socially aware people get. It's my fault.

I like stuff that is said straight forward and bluntly. Or else I might not know the context of what someone says.

I get ignored constantly. Even when we're all in the same place/room. It's as if I'm not even there.

I'd just like to have people care about me at least a little. Because I care about them more than they even know and I show it too.

StoicNate
08-22-11, 07:32 PM
I can't fool anyone. I'm not socially adjusted to other people in life.
I don't know how to be social without doing something wrong.

tweetiebirdk
08-22-11, 07:43 PM
Ive been helped in the matter by working on it (hard)and following certain mantras 'Be Yourself ' I get on better socially when I am myself

when Im out and about I ve realized that what I most want from others is that they make me feel comfortable , I realized that I dont expect others to be witty all the time or get jokes .

I get on better also when I dont care in a genuine way that requires working on it but Fake it till you make it I guess.

I also wished from lately looking in the library that I had read social anxiety books before some are good . The Overcoming series in the uk is good maybe one directed at add would be better ? idk

Social anxiety help may benifit e.g a support group ...but Im personally more open to them now myself so it depends whatever you want to do if anything

tweetiebirdk
08-22-11, 07:54 PM
I'm not socially aware when I'm around people. I constantly don't get jokes or other stuff like that, that "normal"socially aware people get. It's my fault.

I like stuff that is said straight forward and bluntly. Or else I might not know the context of what someone says.

I get ignored constantly. Even when we're all in the same place/room. It's as if I'm not even there.

I'd just like to have people care about me at least a little. Because I care about them more than they even know and I show it too.

You got to be kind to yourself when you feel like this and just move on Put It in The past ..I can do this now


I like stuff that is said straight forward and bluntly. Or else I might not know the context of what someone says




thats a possible sign of aspergers syndrome but I have been like that and Im not very aspergerish. Oh sorry you have Aspergers Syndrome . Ive seen books in the library and read them on that. Aspergers Syndrome A Social Guide is ok

One of the guys I was in hospital with who I got on the best with had aspergers syndrome , He was one of the nicest guys which I greatly appreciated.

StoicNate
08-22-11, 08:02 PM
I do have Asperger's and hate it. I'm not like other people. That's why I hate myself along with other things.

For now I'm just taking a break with friends. I can't handle being ignored so much.

tweetiebirdk
08-22-11, 08:07 PM
[quote=StoicNate;1158334]I do have Asperger's and hate it. I'm not like other people. That's why I hate myself along with other things.


Some people have mild aspergers , and some people like people with aspergers , you still have a personality , you can still be nice which is an attractive quality

People just like to pick up on our insecurities its when we dont care that social things are easier in some ways

Best

buddy
08-22-11, 08:22 PM
II don't have many friends & I'm ok with it.I am very shy around people I don't know very well.I feel ok with not having a lot of friends even though I feel as if I should have a lot of friends.I think that if you are happy being who you are, you should be content with yourself.

Rebelyell
08-22-11, 08:50 PM
Its nice to have friends that dont judg eor put you down and to be able to do things with.You dont have to go that route theres no rules in life thats says you do or dont.I struggle w this and it drives me crazy Im only 36 and I feel like the loser old man that has no 1 that every 1 knows and feels sorry for,Probably only reason why folks are nice to me

cattail
08-24-11, 12:23 AM
Stoic,

I totally relate, I basically started counseling again for this exact issue. Sometimes I just wish I could stop wanting close friends and a boyfriend because it feels like it is this need that causes the pain not the lack of relationships.

You don't have to do anything that makes you feel bad about yourself or hate yourself. You deserve to be happy and comfortable and find people who accept you just as you are. Trust me when I say a lot of those people who are ignoring you hate themselves for something too. That seems to be something EVERYONE has in common but rarely talks about. People that are ignoring you don't necessarily not care about you. They may just not understand how to engage you in the conversation.

I have found that the older I get (at the ripe old age of 37) the more accepting people are of other's idiosyncrasies. Plus you will accumulate people through the years that do get you and accept you. This may be a case to keep trying.

Maybe you are just hanging out in the wrong groups? When I finally found a community who just "got" me, and liked me for all the things that drove other people crazy, it was amazing! So much easier. I still stumble socially but at least I am among a friendlier crowd. Do you spend time with people who have the same passions? My friends and I talk about our work all the time because it is what we love. It makes things a lot easier at first because everything is in the same context. Then after you get a bit more comfortable things can progress past work talk.

I totally relate to how exhausting it is to try and feel like I always manage to do something that didn't fit the social rules. I never got those rules. I, like you, just wanted things to be straightforward. Why does everything have to be so cryptic and hard?

No, you don't have to have friends, but you will probably be happier in the long run if you find some along the way. If you have to change your core self to fit in then they are the wrong people.

Take care!
Cat



(I am currently on a self-help book kick and sharing all I read! Let me know if you are interested and I will pass along some books that are helping me in the making friends/creating relationships area)

anonymouslyadd
08-24-11, 01:18 AM
I can't fool anyone. I'm not socially adjusted to other people in life.
I don't know how to be social without doing something wrong.

I was thinking about how I try to be perfect around people and have to ward off feelings of fear for the criticsm that inevitably comes my way. I know Nate. It's a terrible feeling.:(

Kaimei
08-24-11, 02:31 AM
Personally, I go for quality over quantity. I would rather have one friend who knew me as I am than fifty 'friends' who knew who I pretended to be.

I went through a similar thought process about five or six years ago. My social situation was on the opposite side of the spectrum than yours, though - I had a plethora of 'friends,' mostly due to my activity in the local music scene. I hit a crisis point, though, and realized that I was more alone than not. Every time I ran into one of these 'friends' I had to put on my persona, my mask, and squash my real self into something it was entirely unsuited for.

So, I decided, f*%k 'em.

I'm not sure if you listen to Stabbing Westward, but there's a song called 'Save Yourself' that has a line in it that summed up my attitude perfectly -

"My life has been a nightmare
My soul is fractured to the bone
And if I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone."

I decided I'd rather be by myself and BE myself than be with other people and be someone I wasn't...and someone I didn't always like. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with who you are, but when you start accepting other people's expectations of how you 'should' be, it starts to seem like there IS something wrong with you if things don't match up.

I think it's BS. So no, I don't think you need a load of friends so long as you're learning to be happy with yourself. It is true that, to a certain extent, we need human interaction for our own good, but if you feel fulfilled with what you have, then you should be fine. The idea that ALL humans MUST have a certain amount of face to face social contact with other humans doesn't take into account things like autism and other conditions which make too much contact or the wrong kind of contact painful, if not outright damaging.

There are certain health benefits to human touch; you can find numerous articles about it online. But you can get those with something as simple as a massage.

AshT
08-24-11, 11:52 PM
I love being alone. With my nocternal sleeping pattern - my housemates sometimes won't see me for weeks on end. I'll go to the labs at night-time and work until morning. I'm happy and on top of the world.

Then all of a sudden, i'll just feel down. At the time i'd try to be working out why, but i won't be able too. I'll be convinced by a flatmate or friend to join them for the evening/do something, and all of a sudden, i'm on top of the world again! Loneliness, as much as I love being alone, causes depression in me after long periods of time.

PinkRoxy
08-27-11, 04:31 AM
I feel exactly the same way as you all.
Its horrible when you try and make friends and you get rejected by people and yes there are times when I feel ignored.
I have social anxiety too anyone that meets me wouldnt think I have it but if they get to know me on a more personal level then they would know.
I appear friendly even over friendly but usually when people ask me to do things with them I get super anxious and always find excuses not to do it and I hate myself for it because I know it can be a chance to meet and make friends and do something fun.
I dont do it though and why? because I fear rejection and that I wont be accepted and I think that they might thought they made a big mistake and start ignoring me. This has happened in the past so my experiences reflect my behaviour and anxiety on making friends and social situations.

If there is the slightest hint that I think someone doesnt like me I tend to move on before I feel the rejection so I dont get hurt by it and I go numb and try and think of a positive excuse as to why they ignore me like maybe I'm too young too old for them etc.

I struggle with friends I wouldnt say I always have mainly since halfway through high school that was when I started getting mild social anxiety, I would say my ADHD and social awkwardness wouldve had something to do with it too.

Yes I do need to go and see a therapist myself which I am looking into.

Nathalie
10-23-11, 06:00 PM
Hey guys.. I'm new to this forum!
I found here when I was googling "need new friends tips".. I must say that I'm so glad that I found this forum. It feels so good to see that there other others out there who feel just like you.. So take me as friend! :)

I've always been a happy loner but at this point I really need a REAL friendship in my life. You know, the kind they always make those cheesy sitcom out off.. I know I need to put myself out there somehow in order to meet people but the problem is that I'm not much of a people-person. I have trust issues with people. I feel like they are all FAKE.. and that real friend never exist. I have had a few friendship in the past that didn't go well.. The people i assumed to be my friends turned out to be the jerkest ones on the planet. So I gave up on meeting new people. I am married have a wonderful child and an amazing husband but there are times that I wish I had that true friend in my life as well..Anyways.. Tell me about your experiences, stories, etc.. Any input is appreciated.

VelvetTiger
10-25-11, 12:37 AM
This thread is making me sad since I posted in it last. I feel for you Nate.

Since I posted last, things have gotten worse for me on the friendship front. I was trying to help one guy with his divorce but it turned out he really wanted to sleep with me to get back at his (now ex) wife for cheating on him. That's what it looks like anyway. I have tried reaching out a few times, and he's been weird. (Though he also sent me vintage erotica. And this is how "regular people" behave and I am supposed to understand this.)

I also tried signing up for Facebook, and I sort of hate it. It makes me feel lonelier. I can't see genuine social interactions coming out of this. People just post crap on each other's accounts and pass around Internet jokes. It's not for me. Same deal with local forums. My city is a small, cliquish Midwestern one, and everyone has been friends for years, usually decades – these people went to GRADE SCHOOL together. Newcomers like me have nothing in common with these long-established cliques. When I try to initiate discussion, people bait me or attack me. When I try to initiate a gathering, everyone RSVPs and no one shows. They're all completely obsessed with sports, and I have no interest in sports. After a certain point, you can't squeeze water from a stone, as the saying goes.

My dad and I talked the other day. He acknowledged more therapy probably won't help me at this point. My partner doesn't agree with him on this matter, but my dad has been there through the whole thing, from the school calling home about my behavior in elementary to all the struggles I had being put on the wrong meds in young adulthood, to now, having impostor syndrome and no self-confidence. My dad is right. My therapist is ok, but she wants me to come in twice a week, and I have nothing to discuss twice a week. Even talking to her exhausts me, and she's always monitoring my mood. My only goal at this point is to not get another bipolar misdiagnosis.

So tonight, I told my partner that I don't want an actual wedding. There is not a single soul I care to spend a dime on or celebrate with. I don't like anyone enough to even spend a few hours with them, let alone waste my hard-earned money on a wedding primarily for their benefit. I don't need or want gifts, and it seems silly to spend so much to get a toaster and a mixing bowl in return. (I think of things primarily in economic transactions these days because social transactions don't make me happy or give me any benefits.) I told him we're going to go down to city hall and just sign the papers. He said it was ok, as long as I was happy.

With meeting people in-person, I'm fine, as long as we don't talk about anything important. I never create a bond with them past a casual acquaintance. We never have anything in common, and we always run out of things to say to each other or drift apart. People expect me to fill a certain role in their life, or I'm a friend out of situational convenience, and when that need is filled, the friendship ends.

In the past, I've Googled a similar question on other sites, like AskMetafilter and Yahoo!, as well as other boards, and this seems to be the only place out there where people genuinely understand. Elsewhere, the same, tired advice abounds. "Join a Meet-Up." "Make friends at the gym/library/bookstore/coffee shop." "Go to therapy." "Change your entire personality." Um, do you think perhaps these are cliched because they have been TRIED so many times before, and people dismiss these ideas because usually, they DO NOT WORK???

I'm not thrilled with the status quo, but I'm happier than I was when I was younger, and was forced to interact with people I had nothing to say to, or was forced into engaging in fake interactions with. At least high school and college are long over and done with. I've never related to people in my life, and nothing's going to change, so I'm going to stop trying. I think it will be liberating.

(I'll be better tomorrow or by the end of the week...I just had to get this out there. Usually, I am fine. Things just came to a head these past few days, when I realized I couldn't really count on anyone.)

spotter
10-25-11, 12:45 PM
I can relate to everything said here, but I think real-life friends are worth the trouble. It's other human beings that keep us relevant. I like this quote from Schweitzer:
Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being.



Maybe take a little break from the effort and try again in a month or two.

The people who are the easiest to befriend often don't make good friends for various reasons; maybe they are superficial, or they don't need another friend in their lives, or you don't have enough in common with them. I have found the best friends for me are the people who are the hardest to get to know because they are rather reserved themselves. Maybe they even have some of the same insecurities. It takes a hundred small acts to become friends with these people and you run into dozens of obstacles and you never know if you're ever going to get there, so it's a bit like taking on a very large project.