View Full Version : Help me help my adult ADD son


ADD moved in
05-20-11, 08:44 PM
I am new to ADDforum and thought maybe someone could give me advice on how to help my adult son with ADD & hypoactivity who has just moved back home. His wife is divorcing him due to his ADD problems. He has not lived here for over 14 years now and I had no idea that he was so unmotivated and unfocused. I can't tell if it is the hypoactivity or depression over the divorce. He's on meds and he sees a counselor. I feel as if he is this child that I need to guide and remind him to do simple things like laundry, buy his milk, make appointments. He's 35. I'm torn between coming down hard on him for sleeping so much, doing so little and just doing things for him (like laundry, etc.) that he really should be doing himself. Any ideas? Is there any support groups for families?

Maicat
03-30-13, 10:45 AM
My son is 32, and has ADD quite profoundly. He still lives at home. He doesn't work, and spends all day in his bedroom either watching TV, playing music or playing his guitar. He takes his food up there and doesn't sit downstairs with his father and me.

He drinks a lot of alcohol more or less on a daily basis. He has had friends but all seem to eventually come to an abrupt end.

He has no sense of money value, and I blame myself to letting that happen to a degree as he can't organize himself which is part of the ADD.

There doesn't seem to be any help for adults with ADD that I know of. Does anyone know of any.

My husband and I would like him to be independant and leave home to lead a normal life, but being realistic, I can't see this happening as any approach to the subject ends with him walking away and refusing to discuss it.

Any comments would be very welcome.

mrzyphl
03-30-13, 12:14 PM
I moved back in with my Mom when I was 32. I was lazy, disorganized and
unfocused. I didn't know I had ADD so I was always trying to overcome
that behaviour without much success. I might have become an alcoholic
but I could only afford to get drunk 2 or 3 times a year.
I was ready to give up several times but my Mom encouraged me to keep trying.

She got me to join a choral group and got me involved in community
theatre. I signed up for a 2 year College course that took me 3 years and
I still ended up a few credits short of a diploma. If I knew I had ADD I
probably would have finished in 2 years with more than a 2.3 gpa.

After 8 years of sporadic employment at low paying ****ty jobs where I
always got 'laid off' I finally got a job that turned into a career that I
enjoy.

My advice is to love your son and encourage him to stay invovled. Get him
to take some courses. Get him to volunteer in community theatre building
and painting sets. As someone who's been there I think he'll eventually
find his way but he'll get there sooner with your help.
You'll need the patience of Job so make sure you have a support network yourself.
I owe everything I am to my Mother. I'm sorry that she died before she
could see how far I've come.

sarahsweets
03-31-13, 04:39 AM
Does your son work? Where does he get money for alcohol?


My son is 32, and has ADD quite profoundly. He still lives at home. He doesn't work, and spends all day in his bedroom either watching TV, playing music or playing his guitar. He takes his food up there and doesn't sit downstairs with his father and me.

He drinks a lot of alcohol more or less on a daily basis. He has had friends but all seem to eventually come to an abrupt end.

He has no sense of money value, and I blame myself to letting that happen to a degree as he can't organize himself which is part of the ADD.

There doesn't seem to be any help for adults with ADD that I know of. Does anyone know of any.

My husband and I would like him to be independant and leave home to lead a normal life, but being realistic, I can't see this happening as any approach to the subject ends with him walking away and refusing to discuss it.

Any comments would be very welcome.

someothertime
03-31-13, 06:06 AM
Firstly thankyou for your concern about your sons.

Secondly, just by proving a place to retreat to and get support in daily living you are helping. If it is all you do, it may harm them or at least prevent them from getting better.

Thirdly, you will not change them, the most you can do is non-confrontationally query them on the causes and issues driving their behavior or in drastic circumstances, remove certain "comforts" in an attempt to bring about a percieved crisis. The reason I say this is because for most of us, it is these crises that give us the determination to change. And only when he has that determination and professional help will he begin to venture onto a path of acceptance, grieving, knowledge and fingers crossed, improvement.

Forthly, write the url for this website and give it to him.

( EDIT: That advice about about helping him with his passions/trying new things is also very good! Before I was treated, it was my passions that kept me motivated / positive )

dvdnvwls
03-31-13, 12:14 PM
Part of this is what the counsellors call "boundaries". There are bottom-line things in your own life, things that you really need to have happen (and that you really need to have not happen) for you to be all right. There are other things you have that are just your preferences and that you could take or leave.

I get the feeling that some of what your son is doing is only irritating you, and that you can manage with those things - and that some of what he's doing is really not going to be possible for you to keep on with for much longer. It's not a question of right and wrong, it's a question of if you personally are able to handle something on a long-term basis. You are you, and you cannot be made to feel bad for that.

Anything he's doing that you are not going to be able to manage with for much longer, he needs to know about it. Not in an angry way, just in a "these are the facts" kind of way. This is not about him being an adult; it's about you being an adult and knowing that you need to stay healthy and not go crazy.

courier
03-31-13, 01:59 PM
my son was into heroine and other drugs when he was 17, he was into his 30's before he managed to kick it all, he cant live with a woman or on his own. over the last 2 years he's settled down working as a scaffolder, he loves his job but year before last he had a problem at work that depressed him, he spent 6 months using crack, he was clean by this time last year, he's moved back in with me. me and his mum knew we would have a hard life ahead of us with him. i cant give up on him whatever he does, i know he needs me and his life would be very depressing without me supporting him. he is the spit out of my mouth, its because of his diagnosis i know i'm adhd for sure, and my mother and brother. my son will be 38 this year, if i was not still hyper i dont think i'd be able handle him.

janesky
04-19-13, 10:36 PM
My sympathy to all parent with AD(H)D adult son/daughter. I haven't diagnosed but recently I know I have some of the symptoms. Now I understand how my parent feel to deal with me and the lack of normal behavior of mine.

I am a 31 female, still stay with my parent. I use to have job but I always fail to keep them. Beside my primary job, I have an on line business that seem to ruin my focus but I am hardly leave it cause it gives me satisfaction that I can achieve something beside my primary job. I also have issue in discipline, bad procrastinator, impulsive with money usage and kind of temperamental.

It makes me feel guilty when my parent compare me with my friends or their friend's son/daughter who is successful in their job and life. It seems like my life is a total mess.

I never mean to make them sad or disappoint about me but I just can't handle my self from being abnormal.

heytheredelilah
04-24-13, 06:27 PM
Kudos for being concerned enough to try to find out more! My guess is that a lot of your sons symptoms resemble depression. It's not uncommon to become very, very discouraged with oneself/life when dealing with mismanaged ADHD.

I think trying to get him involved in life more would be great. Just try to spend time with him outdoors if you can, get involved in the community perhaps and volunteer? Just so he has the opportunity to feel that he matters, and that what he does CAN have a positive impact on others. Nobody is an island onto themselves; it's good to feel appreciated, worthy, and connected.

The unfocused bit could perhaps be addressed with the right drugs? I have tried practically every single ADHD drug on the market. It took a long time to find one that works, and even with drugs I have my ups and downs, and some days are a lot worse symptom-wise than others. I can't tell why, but it's how it is.

Frankly, I think I'm doing pretty well, but if you saw my workspace or my room you'd probably be appalled. It looks like a bomb went off in here. It's just terrible. Yet I manage to live here and live my life and be happy somehow. Keeping on top of little things like laundry and cooking and exercising and showering is very difficult,too. But not doing this does not necessarily mean your son can't have a life...

Personally, I'd say let his laundry be. He'll do it when he has absolutely nothing to wear for a few days.

Does your son know other people going through the same thing as him? I think counselors are great. But just coming on this forum means so much to me. Seeing that I'm not alone, that others DO experience the same difficulties is very encouraging... Perhaps someone like @mrzyphil could get in touch with your son? Just someone who has been through it and has come out the other end, you know?

Just some thoughts.

Whoops! A lot of thoughts, I see.