View Full Version : Boyfriend's hyperfocus could ruin our relationship?


johnsonb
06-02-11, 02:56 PM
My boyfriend of 2 years was hyperfocused on me for several months in the beginning of the relationship. To be honest I was overwhelmed by the attention and was looking forward to it settling down. But when it started to he became hyperfocused on his hobby instead. The type of hobby doesn't matter but it's something we can't do together and something he has to drive far out of town for and he is gone most days until late evening. He totally started putting the hobby before me. For our past few dates that he asked me on and we confirmed, he ended up canceling last minute because the weather was just right for his hobby that day. And I really don't think he is cheating on me. Also, he said his hobby feels like a drug to him. Besides the ADHD actions sometimes, he is a wonderful and loving person and we have a ton in common. But over the past few months I have become more and more angry at him and sad with my lonely situation. I have expressed this to him and he apologizes profusely and act like he can't live without me but he will turn around and do it again in a few days. What I really want to know is...does he really love me (as he says he does), or does putting his hobby before me mean I am not that important to him? Should I just figure this is his ADHD (he used to take ritalin but is unmedicated now) and get my own hobby and practically never see him? I do not think he fully realizes the impact his ADHD has on me. I have ADD so we are a good match in a weird way. I am spaced out sometimes and a little messy but at least I don't make him feel un-loved and rejected.. I'm not sure what to do, any advice?

Justinkt
06-02-11, 06:35 PM
First off, it is always a warning sign when I hear the words "off meds"

The truth is that the vast majority of people should be medicated. People with ADHD need to realize that there lack of functioning can hurt other even though they don't mean too. Encourage him make an appointment to start a treatment plan and ask him to keep an open mind about medication.

But on the other hand I don't think hyper focus is the best term. People with ADHD have issues regulating focus. With his hobby he can't shift the focus when he needs too. But if the focus has shifted to cancel a date the issue isn't focus. If it was a focus issue he would of forgotten it or been late. I would just let him know that you would like to spend more time together. He just might not be picking up on the social cues you are giving him. Don't try to understand way he is doing something, just ask nicely way and tell him what you need.

johnsonb
06-03-11, 07:14 AM
So you are saying this isn't an ADHD issue that he keeps breaking plans with me at the last minute to do his hobby instead? I have tried asking him nicely, when that didn't work I got mad, when that didn't work I went to stay with friends for a while, and that didn't work. So I quit talking to him and all of a sudden he is acting like he can't live without me??? Maybe this is just a case of selfishness?

KCTang
06-03-11, 10:57 AM
This is a case of the paradoxical ADD brain.

The ADD brain is geared to put attention into the most stimulating thing in the moment. As that can vary from one minute to the next, that is why much of ADD/ADHD behaviour is, at times, almost uncontrollable when unmedicated and unpracticed.

In depth--

In this case, your bf is caught in a loop of 'i'm doing this hobby which I love' and whenever the thought of 'I should be spending time with my gf instead' all that does is:
-> Increase the taboo level of spending time on the hobby which then increases the stimulation level of the hobby (stimulus comes from enjoyment of the hobby AND taboo now)
--> It becomes hard for him to pull away from the hobby, which makes him feel guilty about not spending time with you
---> The guilt then further increases the stimuli he is feeling in the moment, on top of the other 2 stimuli, which makes it almost impossible for him to pull away at all.

All this together locks him in a perpetual loop, and with his limited brainspace (because of his ADD) he is unable to get out of it.

He isn't doing this on purpose, because all this happens in the subconscious area of the brain. And as he is unmedicated, this loop is going to be hard to break. (Some of you ADDers may recognize this same loop manifesting in other areas of your life as well; addiction to drugs, socially frowned-upon activities, etc -- anything that can be deemed taboo. Personally I believe this is the biggest problem ADDers have because we're unaware that it's happening.)

Rather than hit it head-on (which only reinforces the taboo-guilt loop), if you want him to spend more time with you, you'll need to do a mix of reverse-psychology and playing hard to get.

1. Stop making him feel obligated to spend time with you. They key word is obligation. Anything you make him feel guilty about is only going to make it harder for him enjoy.

In a sense you need to be strong enough to stand on your own 2 feet without his attention before he comes back around. (And he will come back around.)

2. Play hard to get (a little). Even if its conscious, even if he's aware its on purpose, a little hard-to-get never hurt any good relationship. If he doesn't hear from you for some time, he's going to call you. Don't be afraid to say 'not tonight honey, maybe next time' without setting a new appointment date. As long as you push-pull between seeing him and spending time your own way, he'll appreciate the time spent with you more, and it'll get back to being something he can enjoy naturally.

Conclusion -

Your bf needs to be back on meds, that's for sure, but its something he'll have to do on his own timing. As long as he has ADD/ADHD, he's going to be a bit erratic like this, and you need to decide if you mind a relationship like that. In his favour though, people with ADD/ADHD can be very loving and caring when they are thoughtful, and learning to create a balance to keep everyone happy is something you'll need to discover and discuss together. Good luck, and let me know how things go!

Justinkt
06-03-11, 12:24 PM
What i'm saying is don't try to guess the reason. Ask nicely what the reason. Some people with ADHD don't pick up on social cues well. So just ask.

Trooper Keith
06-03-11, 12:27 PM
If my fiancee couldn't tolerate my perseveration I don't think we'd be getting married. Like many people with ADHD, I tend to become engrossed in things that I enjoy. For me, it's playing guitar, drawing, and working with Android devices. Many times I do these things to the exclusion of other things. This is common for many people with ADHD. There is no easy solution, except to sit down and discuss it, and hope for the best.

RedHairedWitch
06-03-11, 12:41 PM
So you are saying this isn't an ADHD issue that he keeps breaking plans with me at the last minute to do his hobby instead? Maybe this is just a case of selfishness?

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It's probably a little of both. ADHD does cause focus deregulation. But most ADHDers do try to make an effort to show their loved ones attention.

I might forget a date because I loose track of time doing my hobby. I wouldn't phone and cancel a date for it and even if I did, I would hear the disappointment in my lover's voice and feel guilty.

This is something you guys will have to talk about, put your foot down about cancellations. Then, with ADHD, this means that when he calls to cancel, you out your foot down THEN. Most NTs like to wait a while for when you can sit down together and talk about things, but with ADHD, it has to be now. So sit him down, tell him that he may not cancel any more dates ... and if he tries to, you gotta lay down the law.
"We agreed no more cancled dates, if you cancle this date I will consider it to be breaking up with me."

johnsonb
06-03-11, 01:39 PM
Thank you SO MUCH everyone you have no idea how helpful this is for me to understand the situation.

KCTang the model you provided makes so much sense now that I see it thank you.

RedHairedWitch I think that is a good idea and I will have to just say that about canceling dates. The hard thing for me is when I have to "lay down the law" and say no you can't cancel this date you HAVE to spend time with me right now, I feel like I don't want to spend time with him because I am having to coerce him into spending time with me. I would rather be with someone who automatically wants to keep our dates and spend time with me. That's where the problem lies but if there were some way for me to know that he does really care about me then it would help. He says he does with his words but as you can see his actions show otherwise too often.

johnsonb
06-03-11, 01:41 PM
Also I should probably add that my boyfriend is an alcoholic and been through rehab but has been sober for 10 years. He doesn't drink at all anymore but he says he gets addicted to things easily.

Kaimei
06-03-11, 02:35 PM
Is there any reason you can't participate in his hobby with him? You didn't specify what it was, but there are clearly times when you both have the available time, like on date nights. Is it something you could support him in - take pictures, maybe?

His hobby probably is a drug to him. In the beginning, so was your relationship. However, the stimulating 'newness' of the relationship is wearing off. That doesn't mean he loves you any less - that's a fact of every relationship, NT or otherwise. The honeymoon phase always passes, and that's when the real decisions start being made.

You're clearly not happy in this relationship, and you have to ask yourself if his hyperfocus on other things is something you can live with. If it keeps making you feel sad, hurt, lonely, etc, then the answer to that is no. His emotional needs are being fulfilled, but yours are not. That's an unhealthy imbalance in the relationship.

Try finding something that both of you can be engaged in - if you can draw his interest into an activity both of you can participate in, great. As someone with ADD yourself, you should also know that we often need strict boundaries. Don't try to force him to do anything, but he does need to be held responsible for his actions. And you need to find something that's going to fulfill you the way his hobby fulfills him.

I'm also of the opinion that, when someone chooses to not manage their disorder, it's perfectly fair of their partner to choose not to continue the relationship. I believe that a partner should support a management program, whether it's medication, coaching, whatever - but an uncontrolled disorder can wreak absolute h*ll in a relationship. There's no reason anyone should feel obligated to stay in that situation. Sometimes, you need to choose what's best for you. If that means you need to back off the relationship and find something that does make you happy, well...short term, it sucks, but long term, you'll benefit.

Luvmybully
06-03-11, 05:08 PM
This is one of the hardest things for me to deal with with my husband's adhd. We had some BATTLES over his obsessions over the years!

What I have come to realize is he NEEDS his outlets. He simply MUST have them for his own mental health.

His current one is Krav Maga, DTS, basically mixed martial arts. I was starting to get SO upset that he HAS to go everyday. It started as 2 days, then it was 3, then it was 4, then it turned into 5. Soemthing had to give because I was getting angrier and angrier everytime he walked out the door.

So, I told him I shouldn't have to beg my own husband to spend an evening with me. Or a Saturday morning. He should be able to skip class now and then and do something with me instead.

Then someone one this board (redhaired witch I think?) gave me an AHA! lightbulb moment.

My husband does not handle "sometimes" scheduling well. He NEEDS it written in stone.

So, we talked and we both agreed that Saturady mornings he would stay home. He still goes 4 nights a week. He works til 5 or 6 then leaves at 7 and doesn't get home til 10 or later every single night but Friday.

But I got Saturday! He never asks to go and it is not an issue.

Now he wants to go Saturday and stay home Wednesday for the summer months. We talked about it and that works for me too.

I wonder if more of a set schedule would work for your bf too? That way he knows he has his time unquestioned to do his thing with no guilt.

KCTang
06-03-11, 07:22 PM
Thank you SO MUCH everyone you have no idea how helpful this is for me to understand the situation.

KCTang the model you provided makes so much sense now that I see it thank you.

RedHairedWitch I think that is a good idea and I will have to just say that about canceling dates. The hard thing for me is when I have to "lay down the law" and say no you can't cancel this date you HAVE to spend time with me right now, I feel like I don't want to spend time with him because I am having to coerce him into spending time with me. I would rather be with someone who automatically wants to keep our dates and spend time with me. That's where the problem lies but if there were some way for me to know that he does really care about me then it would help. He says he does with his words but as you can see his actions show otherwise too often.

I can't say I agree with giving ultimatums, because it only reinforces more strongly that spending time with you is an obligation as opposed to something he likes doing. He also would not appreciate you 'laying down the law' and will likely rebel directly or indirectly. Just as much as you dislike it because its not natural, he will too.

When I was in high school, I was told to stop talking in class, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't force myself to do it. Your bf can't control his desire to do other things. Telling him you're breaking up with him isn't going to make things between you better.

Its natural for people who have ADHD to be flighty. Again, we live in the moment, and not out of choice but because our brain is wired that way. You do need to make a decision about being with someone who is flighty in this way, since he's not taking his medication.

Finally, if you want a sign that he really does care for you, back off a bit about the lack of quality time being spent. The more you're indifferent about whether he spends time with you, the more he'll pay attention. If he cares for you, he will come back to you.

Its a bit of a leap of faith, I know, but I can assure you that the ultimatum thing ISN'T going to work. You may feel like you have control by doing so, but even if he agrees at first, things will fall apart. True love is natural and ultimatums never helped improve a relationship between 2 people. He will feel boxed in and that would just give him more reason to leave you.

RedHairedWitch
06-03-11, 10:23 PM
An ultimatum is different from both of you sitting down together and agreeing that from now on there will be no more cancelling dates for sake of the hobby and that if he tries, she gets to kick his *** for it.

That's called setting reasonable boundaries and defending them.

It is perfectly acceptable to ask your partner to not cancel date after date with you so that he can go fly a kite or fish for trout or whatever. And to inform him that if he does, there will be consequences. ADHD is not an excuse to walk all over people. Making a girl set aside a day to be with you and then cancelling last minute over and over again is exactly, that - walking all over someone. This is not a case of a guy losing track of which day his date it ... this is a guy who looks outside, see it's sunny and expects the girl waiting for him to be okay with him buzzing off to do something else last minute.

Luvmybully
06-03-11, 10:45 PM
I can't say I agree with giving ultimatums, because it only reinforces more strongly that spending time with you is an obligation as opposed to something he likes doing. He also would not appreciate you 'laying down the law' and will likely rebel directly or indirectly. Just as much as you dislike it because its not natural, he will too.

but in a relationship there ARE obligations. If you don't want them, don't be in a relationship. No one can force another to be in a relationship, it is a voluntary thing.

When I was in high school, I was told to stop talking in class, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't force myself to do it. Your bf can't control his desire to do other things. Telling him you're breaking up with him isn't going to make things between you better.

high school is a no choice obligation, very different from choosing to be in a relationship with someone. BOTH people in a relationship deserve to have their needs considered by the other. If the needs are not compatable, telling the SO that you will end the relationship because it is not fulfilling is not a bad thing.

Its natural for people who have ADHD to be flighty. Again, we live in the moment, and not out of choice but because our brain is wired that way. You do need to make a decision about being with someone who is flighty in this way, since he's not taking his medication.

they may be flighty but they ARE capable of very loving, commited relationships AND capable of considering the needs of their partners.

Finally, if you want a sign that he really does care for you, back off a bit about the lack of quality time being spent. The more you're indifferent about whether he spends time with you, the more he'll pay attention. If he cares for you, he will come back to you.

If she is NOT indifferent about it then pretending to be is not a good idea. It is not fair to EITHER of them for one to play games and put on an act. Honesty and straightforward, direct communication is really more effective.

Its a bit of a leap of faith, I know, but I can assure you that the ultimatum thing ISN'T going to work. You may feel like you have control by doing so, but even if he agrees at first, things will fall apart. True love is natural and ultimatums never helped improve a relationship between 2 people. He will feel boxed in and that would just give him more reason to leave you.

It is not about control and if that's the goal then it will not work long term anyways. I do agree about the ultimatums to a certain extent, but when someone has reached their limit, they have reached their limit.

KCTang
06-04-11, 07:59 AM
I full-heartedly agree with both of you that they need to create boundaries together, as a loving couple, and work on them together for a fruitful relationship.

The problem in this case is that, for better or for worse, Johnsonb's boyfriend's ADHD is not handled at the stage where he can back up his commitments to do that. That requires a certain level of self-control that he has proven he can't achieve yet, at least probably not without medication and counselling.

Being still stuck at the addictive personality stage, giving him ultimatums is going to do more than just leave a bad taste in everyone's mouth-- its going to set off the rebel factor of his ADHD. The fact that he struggles with addictive hobbies and can't stop himself despite wanting to, and wanting to please Johnsonb, shows that his subconscious desires still have much control over him.

I agree that the methods I recommended above are not perfect either. But this isn't a perfect case scenario, where both parties can have thoughtful emotionally open discussion and support it with action. One of the parties has an out-of-control ADHD, and until he chooses to get back on meds, he won't be able to mindful when his desires overwhelm his logic.

---

To Johnsonb, ultimately this is your decision to make. If you do choose to approach this relationship situation with ultimatums, my prediction is that your boyfriend will subconsciously and unintendedly resist.

Consciously he will want to appease you as he loves you, maybe he'll even be able to keep his commitment to you for the first little while, but eventually his inner desires will make excuses why "this time it's necessary to cancel". He doesn't lack love for you: he lacks self-control over his inner desires, and they guide his attention into places out of his volition, causing you to feel lonely. This is the reality of unmedicated ADHD.

If you're at your wit's end, maybe you want to give the ultimatum thing a try. Then come and report back if my predictions come true.

But if you want to work through things with him in a loving way, instead of putting a limit on him, do the counterintuitive thing: Give him space. Love is about trusting your partner to love you back, without verbal agreements to do so. Your boyfriend beats himself up enough over the shortcomings he sees in himself. All people with ADHD do.

Be the one person who doesn't look down on him or get frustrated for those faults, and be accepting regardless of what happens. If you can do that, then you'll be the only person in the world that has given him that much love, and he will fall for you head-over-heels. His subconscious will recognize that no one else gives him that much trust. And he'll come running back to you and reciprocate. (At which point you can lovingly talk to him about trying medication again, and getting his life on track. If his hobbies have that much control over him, its quite probable that he's got a lot he needs to fix.)

RedHairedWitch
06-04-11, 09:00 AM
Please, please don't make statements that un-medicated ADHD equals un-treated ADHD. Nor does being "off meds" mean you don't take your ADHD seriously.

Many of us can't or don't take meds and are quite capable of being functional adults and have healthy relationships. There is much more to managing ADHD than medication and meds are not an automatic, magical, fix-all.

We don't know enough about her hunny to say where he is in his ability to manage ADHD. But we do know that it is not acceptable to allow his disrespectful treatment of her to continue, it's hurting her and their relationship.

It's not healthy to allow your ADHD to get to the point that you cancel dates like he is. In fact, I am mostly convinced it is not the ADHD and a case of self absorption, that is the root problem with the cancellations. ADHD does not excuse poor treatment of your significant others or expecting them to be at your beck and call ... and those things are NOT symptoms.

Also, you can give a man some space and still demand that he treat you with respect and not cancel any more dates. I'll stop phoning you looking for your time, but that means if you make a date, you have to keep it.

If I was with a man and I told him that his constant putting me off and cancelling dates was hurting me, rude and disrespectful and his response was to either to try to break up with me or tell me "tough bananas I have ADHD", I'd dump him. The OP needs not be a doormat.

johnsonb
06-04-11, 11:11 AM
Ok so.. a few days ago (and before I started this thread) I confronted my boyfriend bigtime about canceling plans with me. He had done it twice in the same week and I was livid. Anyway, he tried to deny it at first, saying our plans were tentative. I said, no they were very definite and we made them the day before! Not only that but he was the one to set up the second date. Finally he admitted he did ditch me, then all of a sudden he was very upset with himself and that he was realizing he had been a jerk and he said the situation is actually harder for him than me because of this realization. He said he was very sad that he had been hurting me and he suddenly got very emotional. I think he really doesn't want to lose me because he is almost 40 and he mentioned every girlfriend he had broke up with him or ended up running around on him (maybe due to the inattention?). He thought he would be married by age 25.

Anyway, after reading this thread I talked to him, apologized for a couple of things I had said and said I don't want to argue about this anymore. He kind of acted smug, as if he knew he was right and that I would finally come around to realize that (sigh) ..I have been making plans with friends and family so I will be going out or being out of town for the next week or so.

Then I cautiously asked him if he would consider getting an evaluation for adult ADHD. He was diagnosed as a child and tried different medications at that time but hasn't taken any since then. His reaction did not sound favorable. He kind of chuckled and hesitated and then said.."I'll think about it" but it didn't sound like he liked the idea of getting an evaluation or especially taking any medications.

He did say that he promised he will never cancel plans with me again for something like a hobby. Over the past year he has gotten waaay better at listening to me during conversations, turn-taking, and not interrupting and also acting interested in what I'm saying sometimes. He used to just talk about himself. This gives me hope that he does want the relationship to work. I do love him and I want it to work too but I can't take any more plan-canceling or being put on the back burner because if I get any more unhappy due to those things I will have to look for a relationship where at least my basic needs are being met.

Again thanks very much everyone for your help!

Luvmybully
06-04-11, 03:34 PM
Please, please don't make statements that un-medicated ADHD equals un-treated ADHD. Nor does being "off meds" mean you don't take your ADHD seriously.

Many of us can't or don't take meds and are quite capable of being functional adults and have healthy relationships. There is much more to managing ADHD than medication and meds are not an automatic, magical, fix-all.



My husband is not on meds for his adhd either and has managed quite well to be a functional adult in a healthy relationship, for 29.5 years.

When it comes to me and our marriage, it means enough to him for him to WANT to work things out.

Some things are extremely difficult for him, but he does make the effort.

KCTang
06-05-11, 09:45 AM
It's not healthy to allow your ADHD to get to the point that you cancel dates like he is. In fact, I am mostly convinced it is not the ADHD and a case of self absorption, that is the root problem with the cancellations. ADHD does not excuse poor treatment of your significant others or expecting them to be at your beck and call ... and those things are NOT symptoms.

...

If I was with a man and I told him that his constant putting me off and cancelling dates was hurting me, rude and disrespectful and his response was to either to try to break up with me or tell me "tough bananas I have ADHD", I'd dump him. The OP needs not be a doormat.


Agreed that ADHD doesn't excuse poor behaviour. It can explain it though. Not everyone has the same level of ADHD and not everyone's ADHD can be functionally managed without medication. This may be one of those cases.

Keep in mind that the Johnsonb's boyfriend was not being rude or disrespectful. Self-absorbed, there's proof of, but he wasn't being hurtful. His requests to cancel dates came at times when the weather happened to be perfect for his hobby, and Johnsonb's bf was being profusely apologetic as he asked to cancel, as it says in the OP.

He never made excuses for his behaviour using ADHD either. That's just her speculating whether it has to do with ADHD in the first place. He seems to love her very much.

My husband is not on meds for his adhd either and has managed quite well to be a functional adult in a healthy relationship, for 29.5 years.

When it comes to me and our marriage, it means enough to him for him to WANT to work things out.

Some things are extremely difficult for him, but he does make the effort.

We can both agree that intent is very important in this case. Maybe the boyfriend does need an ultimatum to see the light after all. Maybe he's outright oblivious to the depth of her pain.

People with ADHD are often 'out of sight, out of mind', and when he sees the good weather and the opportunity to go do his hobby, it becomes an overwhelming drive. It would help if she could at least spectate his hobby somehow. Just being there physically will help him remember all his priorities.

KCTang
06-05-11, 09:59 AM
Ok so.. a few days ago (and before I started this thread) I confronted my boyfriend bigtime about canceling plans with me. He had done it twice in the same week and I was livid. Anyway, he tried to deny it at first, saying our plans were tentative. I said, no they were very definite and we made them the day before! Not only that but he was the one to set up the second date. Finally he admitted he did ditch me, then all of a sudden he was very upset with himself and that he was realizing he had been a jerk and he said the situation is actually harder for him than me because of this realization. He said he was very sad that he had been hurting me and he suddenly got very emotional. I think he really doesn't want to lose me because he is almost 40 and he mentioned every girlfriend he had broke up with him or ended up running around on him (maybe due to the inattention?). He thought he would be married by age 25.

Anyway, after reading this thread I talked to him, apologized for a couple of things I had said and said I don't want to argue about this anymore. He kind of acted smug, as if he knew he was right and that I would finally come around to realize that (sigh) ..I have been making plans with friends and family so I will be going out or being out of town for the next week or so.

Then I cautiously asked him if he would consider getting an evaluation for adult ADHD. He was diagnosed as a child and tried different medications at that time but hasn't taken any since then. His reaction did not sound favorable. He kind of chuckled and hesitated and then said.."I'll think about it" but it didn't sound like he liked the idea of getting an evaluation or especially taking any medications.

He did say that he promised he will never cancel plans with me again for something like a hobby. Over the past year he has gotten waaay better at listening to me during conversations, turn-taking, and not interrupting and also acting interested in what I'm saying sometimes. He used to just talk about himself. This gives me hope that he does want the relationship to work. I do love him and I want it to work too but I can't take any more plan-canceling or being put on the back burner because if I get any more unhappy due to those things I will have to look for a relationship where at least my basic needs are being met.

Again thanks very much everyone for your help!

Thanks for the follow up. This brings a whole different light on things, what with the smugness and all. Its weird that I didnt see your post in between RHW and LMB as I was replying earlier, almost like it wasn't there.

This supports the notion that he is quite self-absorbed. As an indirect product of having ADHD, he seems to ride the emotional rollercoaster quite a bit too, bouncing between extremes of how he feels (strong arrogance and strong guilt). Seems he may have some negative beliefs about medication too, and his determination to handle himself without it is valiant but perhaps unfounded.

Good luck Johnsonb! Glad you got some agreement out of reiterating your dislike of his cancellation. I wish you the best of luck with your bf!

Kaimei
06-05-11, 04:52 PM
Please, please don't make statements that un-medicated ADHD equals un-treated ADHD. Nor does being "off meds" mean you don't take your ADHD seriously.

Many of us can't or don't take meds and are quite capable of being functional adults and have healthy relationships. There is much more to managing ADHD than medication and meds are not an automatic, magical, fix-all.



I usually use the phrase 'managed' or 'un-managed' and this is EXACTLY why. I know several people right now who aren't taking meds, and some of them have VERY effective strategies that work just fine. Treatment and management do not automatically mean 'medicated.'

Thank you!

johnsonb
06-05-11, 05:14 PM
Thanks for the follow up. This brings a whole different light on things, what with the smugness and all. Its weird that I didnt see your post in between RHW and LMB as I was replying earlier, almost like it wasn't there.

This supports the notion that he is quite self-absorbed. As an indirect product of having ADHD, he seems to ride the emotional rollercoaster quite a bit too, bouncing between extremes of how he feels (strong arrogance and strong guilt). Seems he may have some negative beliefs about medication too, and his determination to handle himself without it is valiant but perhaps unfounded.

Good luck Johnsonb! Glad you got some agreement out of reiterating your dislike of his cancellation. I wish you the best of luck with your bf!

Yes, it can be confusing how he is usually sooo nice and then suddenly this self-absorbed attitude shows up here and there. But like I said he has so many great qualities, that's why I'm still in the relationship. :)

And yes it did take a day or so for my post to show up, for some reason..not sure why but I'm glad it showed up.

I got a book from the library called You, Me or adult ADD? And that has been helpful too not only for learning about my boyfriend's ADHD but also my own ADD. It has pointed out some things that my boyfriend obviously has to put up with being in a relationship with me...maybe our relationship is more balanced than I thought... :)