View Full Version : The Lonely Cycle


taglog8
06-03-11, 01:33 AM
Your in the group wondering why you went. You think to yourself that you could be happier by yourself. Then, your at home trying to enjoy your self, but you just cannot help but feel jealous of all the people who can have a good time out there in the world.

Can anyone else relate?

I want to be social, but I do not have the patience or determination to gather everyone and set up something everyone will enjoy.

Am I thinking of hanging out with people the wrong way? The only way I can naturally have a good time with others is if I am stuck at work or school. That is where I let loose and have a good time. However, when i am the one responsible for my time, it doesn't make any sense, but I just freeze until an outside force (a friend calling, a assignment due, or depression) hits.

How do you improve your social life deliberately?

trishcan
06-03-11, 01:44 AM
I wish I knew. I used to be really outgoing, but I got busy with school and work and friends just fell by the wayside. I don't really know how to "start over" completely, because the process of making friends requires so much more effort than just keeping friends and socializing from time to time.

tudorose
06-03-11, 02:40 AM
I've socialised twice in the last year. They've both been bicycle events which a bunch of us from work teamed up to do. It was easier socially coz we were all there for a reason and at the end everyone was stuffed and went home.

I can't do the go out socially thing. I don't know what to say, how to interact in the group etc. There needs to be a task involved so there is at least a purpose otherwise I see it as a big waste of time.

Kaimei
06-03-11, 04:02 AM
Your in the group wondering why you went. You think to yourself that you could be happier by yourself. Then, your at home trying to enjoy your self, but you just cannot help but feel jealous of all the people who can have a good time out there in the world.

Can anyone else relate?

I want to be social, but I do not have the patience or determination to gather everyone and set up something everyone will enjoy.

Am I thinking of hanging out with people the wrong way? The only way I can naturally have a good time with others is if I am stuck at work or school. That is where I let loose and have a good time. However, when i am the one responsible for my time, it doesn't make any sense, but I just freeze until an outside force (a friend calling, a assignment due, or depression) hits.

How do you improve your social life deliberately?

A poetic description for a sh*tty isuse. Yes, I can relate to that. Sometimes it's harder for me to deal with - if there's an event I have to go to, or I'm performing, and I'm obligated to go out even though I'd rather be at home. I'm know I'm not much fun to be around then, so if I can get away with it, I skulk in the shadows or stay backstage until I have to go on.

I used to wrestle with the sense of jealousy all the time, but it's really a matter of perspective. If you're going to be miserable going out, or you'd be happier staying home, then what's wrong with staying home? I generally either find something I can enjoy solo - I'll go grab food just for myself, or a new book, or something - and set myself up so that I'm doing something I like. If I'm really happy at home, there's no reason to feel jealous other people being happy somewhere else.

Either that, or I'll just make a deliberate, conscious decision that, if I'm going to be miserable, I'm going to do it all the way. I'm just going to sit home and deliberately, consciously feel sorry for myself. I'll invoke the feelings, and just let myself stew in them. Oddly enough, this has the effect of making them pass a lot faster. It seems contrary, but it's what works for me.

Why do you have to be the one setting everything up? Can't someone else do it? Or can't you just...I don't know...suggest meeting up at a place that people enjoy? Generally once you get friends together in a comfortable place, the socializing happens all on its own - no facilitation needed from you.

You might want to try going somewhere by yourself - someplace based around something you like, where people tend to gravitate and socialize on a regular basis. If you're in that kind of environment, it might help stimulate your desire to socialize. It might be the catalyst you need.

kilted_scotsman
06-03-11, 04:05 AM
Having a reason to be there makes it easier and gives a point to the interaction...

That's why I prefer going to workshop type events, and breaks where you do charitable stuff. Means i can just step back and do the work if I don't want to interact... and can step forward once I'm comfortable with people.

Ok so it's not "relaxing" but i only do vacation or relaxing in rare and exceptional circumstances.

kilted

kilted

0rangutan
06-04-11, 01:43 AM
I can definitely relate! EVERY SINGLE DAY. Facebook does not help my cause because when I see people posting pictures of them out and about having loads of fun... GAH, it just kills me inside. I'm very good with people, just not big groups of people. The fact that I also have IBS-D does not help either. IBS has just completely taken my drive/motivation away to go out and explore new people, places, or things. It really fries my ***. :( I feel ya though.....

When I smoked weed is when I felt A LOT more comfortable and sociable. But smoking weed aggravates my IBS symptoms so I've let it go... *sigh*

sarahsweets
06-04-11, 01:38 PM
If you're sort of happy being more alone then you shouldn't feel down about it. If you are really feeling jealously maybe try and pick 1 person to focus on and make some plans. Maybe cutting down on the possibility of a group setting may help

JollyBadger
06-05-11, 02:45 PM
I've discovered that, the more "social" I try to be, the more of an outsider I end up.

Being around other people makes me feel even more awkward even when they are nice and seem interested in trying to include me.

Rebelyell
06-05-11, 02:50 PM
I kind of feel the same way jolly,I never know how to act or fit in,thanks alot ADHD.I never know when some 1 is being real or just frakking w me.Calgon take me away...

sarek
06-05-11, 03:03 PM
When I was in my tweens I had that same urge to force the issue. I would tag along with my few true friends in order to get to know yet others.

Yet, forever I remained standing on the outside always looking in. And that continued on until I found the secret that my own company was good enough for me. And the weirdest thing of all was, once I did that I found myself becoming more popular with the kind of people I wanted to attract than ever before.

Rebelyell
06-05-11, 05:12 PM
I tried that and while it didnt attract me any friends I was happy to be my own person etc.Now for the last 10 years something has happened to me and its like the panic button has been hit oh crap no friends.What am I suppose to do now?it doesnt look good on dates when women find I have like no friends or I wanna go somewhere and cant because I feel like such a loser going out alone w out a bunch of people.Boy I turned into a freaking loser a Real freaking loser and I did nothing wrong:(

ciarasync
06-05-11, 05:57 PM
I find going to church groups helps a lot. that's how i met my gf actually. :)
it's usually 3-5 people in a group and once I get comfortable with those people, they switch up some members .. and soon.. you get to know a lot of people little by little.

johnny_walker
06-05-11, 05:59 PM
Well, Johnny can be both inattentive and attentive. If thats what Johnny wants.

I think that i broke the cycle is in fact talking to someone working or just in the train. I usually talk to random people every day. Wierd much ? Yea. What then do i talk about? It always depending what there talking about. With a 90% success rate.

Just last week, i talked to someone who had ADHD. It felt good since you know someone out there has sorta the same diagnosis as you. Knowing both the situation.

I think finding people and meeting then in person even on this forum who lives around from where you are is the best start to overcome breaking the cycle. Then you talk about anything. If your quiet like Johnny was, here are some small tips to "break the ice".

But this what i start with:

Hi

Im Johnny

whats your real name.

Where are we gonna go? How we are gonna get there? Im hungry LAH! Lets eat somewhere.

Do you like stuff?

Anything intreast you?


Oh....someone wants to take photos with there mouths open. Lets GO!

And it keeps going form there..

Its hard at first, but the more you do it, the more successful you become :D

Impetus
06-05-11, 06:07 PM
When I was in my tweens I had that same urge to force the issue. I would tag along with my few true friends in order to get to know yet others.

Yet, forever I remained standing on the outside always looking in. And that continued on until I found the secret that my own company was good enough for me. And the weirdest thing of all was, once I did that I found myself becoming more popular with the kind of people I wanted to attract than ever before.

funny you should mention that.... I have noticed that more and more people socialize with me when I am focused on something or someone else.

StoicNate
06-05-11, 08:27 PM
I'm very much alone with myself right now. I'm not a stranger of being a loner.
I've tried being social with people, but it ALWAYS backfires no matter what the situation is. So I just accepted being a loner.

And yes I yearned for having friends, but I think I'm better off with getting a dog/pet in the future instead.

Rebelyell
06-05-11, 10:14 PM
My mom said when she was alive she never met a person who had more problems getting along and fitting in w others then me.:( I didnt ask to be this way I didnt ask to be so rejected by nters because I dont or cant live up to there standards.arggghhh I hate my life:(All I asked for in life is friends not a freaking arm an a leg or a hand out or for some 1 to feel sorry for me....is that so hard?

Possum
06-06-11, 12:03 AM
I've never been Miss Congeniality, and as I've gotten older, I've gotten worse. I mostly stay home except for my AA meetings, and I try to be friendly there, but it's pretty superficial. I have one good platonic male friend. He is a very high functioning schizophrenic and for some reason we click. I guess we both understand how difficult it can be to have brains that work differently from everyone else's and what a struggle life can be as a result.

I love to camp and used to go all the time with my ex-boyfriend, but he and I broke up ages ago. So, I am just going to go by myself later this week and have my own little adventure. I am sort of nervous about this and wish I had someone to go with. I guess I can always turn around and come home if I get wierded out.

PS Rebel, I so understand where you're coming from. Why is it so hard for us to make friends? It makes me sad, too.

StoicNate
06-06-11, 02:33 AM
It would be nice to have a nice long meaningful conversation with someone in real life one of these days. I don't think I had one of those in many years.

iMad
06-06-11, 02:41 AM
For me age, weight, not having children, and living in a state where the born and bred's don't have great social skills all have added up to a dull social life. It seemed easier in HS and the 1st time I went to college in my early 20's, but those friends spread out all over the world and I moved and the friendships drizzled away, except through Facebook recently, and that's no social life.

So, now I'm 50 (Really? How can that be?;)) and have few local friends at all. I read articles about meeting people and it's difficult to push myself out into the world to try to make connections when I don't always feel good about myself, or when I'm worried about making bad impressions.

The one thing that has worked for me with men at least, has been going out with the attitude of "They want to know me more than I want to know them." and I could count on having a fun night of flirting. From that I see that I'm the one who gets in my own way by THINKING and OVER-thinking and worrying about how I'm being perceived.

So I try to focus when I meet a new person that interests me, that they might be a new acquaintance instead of thinking too much about the potential for an awesome new friend. Lowered expectations does seem to help, but unless you're going to be in the same place on the same day of the week at a specific time for a specific event/interest you might not ever get the chance to slowly build a connection with your new acquaintance, and that's where I get stuck since I've never been one to join in to group activities. Yet I know I need to do something to make new friends of my own.

Not missing the social cues when other's put them out there would be nice, but I often realize it long after the cue was presented, of course. I have occasionally simply said something like, "I'm hungry and thinking of going to some name of a restaurant for a cup of soup/burger/salad/dry toast, would you like to join me?" Usually if there is a connection the person will go and then you know they're open to potential new friendship with you.

My boyfriend's pals are cool with me, he tells me--although they originally thought I had a hearing problem. I don't often see their wives or girlfriends, but I've always gotten along better with men anyway, but how do I make my own male friends without it being possibly threatening to my BF? How do I make new girlfriends who don't just want to use me, or who will abandon me at the first sign that I'm not perfect? Social life sure can be difficult.

May good friendships be deep, understanding, and plentiful in all of our futures. I believe in miracles. :o

Electra2
06-06-11, 03:17 AM
I go dance.
But avoid making any more friends there.
Cuz,it takes a lot to keep up friendship-
lots of focus,social skills...and you must be on time all the time! :(
So I just dance.

Still,there are people around danceing too...witch feels good :)

lackofattention
06-07-11, 06:32 AM
In the past year, I have been quite isolated, and it is true that being along too much makes it difficult to have a straight mind about what goes around me, so I want to be more social.

I find that at least I need one or two activities (like some sport at a small gym or before/after classes at Uni) where I can talk to people without any commitment, and whom I will not meet outside of the activity: it gives me the needed social moment with no time for things to go wrong or get overwhelmed and intruded under the skin.

I like being alone and doing things alone, I am not ashamed of it, to the contrary, yet it is difficult to explain others that someone like me - perceived at times like the queen of social [no one understand I prefer to be a lone wolf :confused:] - actually wants to be alone, and often needy people think I don't want to introduce them to others or don't want to take them along... while I am just going home... by myself... THIS is my problem.. :eek:

I got tired of people expecting me to introduce them to my friends or the people I know while they don't have any interest in hanging out with me... I think it is rude, so I ignore them.

However, I have found myself many times alone and not wanting to be because I couldn't find friends or a group to hang out with that I clicked. In part, because I kept hanging out with people wasn't right for me: it is an issue of matching only.
In my life I have experimented with lots of social situations in the attempt to make new friends, and found out that just meeting doesn't work for me. If a certain feeling is missing it is useless I insist. For me the best situations are like when I meet people without commitment and later we find out we click. I only need 2-3 good friends and a few more to hang out here and there and then a community to belong to.
Then the point is how are the friends you have with others. I generally make friends with well-connected people because we are both the same. I am very easy going so people invite me because I will in most cases have a good time and give a good impression (of having fun and lift up the mood) to others.

For me the important thing is talking a lot, not to overthink, and not get bored. When getting bored, I leave - no one needs to be out all night - here and there I stick around a couple of hours, I get the social and fun I want and not feel overwhelmed. If bored, I know I am with the wrong people. In fact, if you find yourself bored with a variety of people, are you sure you are not ending up with the same kind of people over and over?

having a common interest/hobby gives a reason for people to stick together without an emotional commitment, which can be developed later.

It takes a looooong time to really find the right understanding with others, so it takes a bit of patients, and let things "evolve" their way.

I am talking randomly... sorry :p

Conman
06-07-11, 11:32 PM
I made a thread about this recently. i shouldve just came here instead. i learned people suck, make my own plans and have people meet up with me instead of the other-way-around

JollyBadger
06-09-11, 12:16 PM
I think it's important, as an adult, not to limit yourself on "friends" based on age or life stage. I mean, when I was a kid in school it really would not have made sense for me to be "friends" with someone twenty years older than me.

However, I'm now in my thirties. I spent most of my twenties trying to fit in with people closer to my own age and that just didn't work out. Despite most of us being at the same "place" in life, I never felt I could relate to them at all.

Now, most of them have gone down the "life script" road of getting married and having babies. . .more things I really cannot relate to. Planning weddings and talking about "cute baby stuff" simply makes my eyes glaze over.

Some of my most trusted friends now are people who are at least ten years my senior. We have similar interests, ride our horses and camp together, but also learn a lot from each other about each other's individual interests. There is none of that "pressure" to feel like we have to be part of a crowd or go out and do stuff that doesn't interest us.

AlmostThere
06-10-11, 04:21 PM
I'm very much alone with myself right now. I'm not a stranger of being a loner.
I've tried being social with people, but it ALWAYS backfires no matter what the situation is. So I just accepted being a loner.

And yes I yearned for having friends, but I think I'm better off with getting a dog/pet in the future instead.

I've gotten bored with every friend I've ever made as well as every pet I've ever owned. I feel like I put more effort into the friendships then I get back. I know that's probably not the case and just my screwed up view of the world. Sad but true.

lackofattention
06-12-11, 10:18 AM
here you mention a good point: being bored.

I remember friday or saturday nights hanging out with friends and being bored, like seriously being bored. I liked my friends, but that was the wrong setting. I also lost friends because we have different conception of fun and socializing, but that cannot be helped.

but if I get bored, there is nothing wrong, that is the way I am, the point is finding friends who like to do what I like so that we can do it together, and there are people out there who like to just get a cup of coffee rather than going out clubbing (just to mention some activity), it just takes time to learn to find them.

mushookees
06-13-11, 01:49 PM
i can so relate to getting bored, i can never hold firends for more than a few years, my longest friendship lasted 7 years. Ive never had trouble making friends, its never felt like i put effort into my friendships, they just happened. Ive had many best friends. But usually after 1 or 2 years i would get bored then hang out with someone else. Ive also fallen out of a lot of friendships, sometimes i didnt even know why, 1 of my best friends i had a fist fight with, another i said a really racist remark to him which i cant remember why i lashed out. I could go on and on but yeah ive had alot of friends, when we moved country i pretty much had a friend reset lol, it didnt take long for me to make alot of friends here, ive been clubbing and what not, pretty much done alot of social activities almost every weekend in the last 10 years. In general i dont like socializing, it feels like it drains me. Infact now ive got Avoidant personality disorder lol. I think i keep up appearances very well, im good at blending in as a social person, but i much prefer to be alone. As of late ( starting like 3 years ago and slowly progressing) my social anxiety has completely taken over, ive purposely avoided friends that want to hang out with me, infact i havn't spoken to any of them for the last year, its a real problem atm :(

Rebelyell
06-13-11, 06:49 PM
I feel this exact same way jolly badger,I thought for the longest time there was something wrong w me not clicking w my age group.I got along w either people alot younger then me like When I was 18-19 could relate to 14-15 year olds better then my own age group.Or people like 10 years older then me.

Spacemaster
06-13-11, 11:19 PM
I often wonder, "what am I doing wrong here?" I think I'm interesting and funny so what's the problem? I think it's even harder being a girl, because I always see that gaggle of girls at the mall or whatever, but I have never managed to make it into that group. I don't necessarily want that, I prefer a small group with intelligent discussion, but I still feel I don't fit in. I sit and home and mope that nobody ever invites me to do anything. I've been told to "make friends", like it's really that simple. I used to feel like I was the problem, but now I feel like the problem is everyone else. They don't know what they are missing! Actually since I've adopted this philosophy, I've managed to cultivate more friendships. Maybe the key is confidence! I'm not totally into myself or anything, don't get me wrong, but I think the point I'm getting to is that a lot of it has to do with your self perception. Others pick up on that. (I'm not totally fixed, the old feelings of social inadequacy and awkwardness rear their ugly head fairly often)

taglog8
06-20-11, 03:35 PM
Thank you all for posting. Helps me to really cope. However, ironically, I had a pretty adventurous week where I started to realized how not alone I was. a Friend came from out of town, I ventured into a club for the first time, and I went to gay bars during pride weekend (I know I am definitely not gay now). All of this was fun, but also not Amazing I would say probably just because my luck with women did not increase.

I guess what I learned was that just because I cannot have the social outing of my dreams every night I want it to happen doesn't mean i have to be sad or ashamed. . Also, the social life I long for is really an illusion. To make it real and legitimate takes patients and earnest communication.

On a side note, I am back in my home town now and I am petrified to call old friends for some reason. I know I'll call eventually. AAANdd, the girl I used to like is coming down, and I don't know where or not to run or to try to plan something.

ByStarlight
06-25-11, 04:32 PM
Your in the group wondering why you went. You think to yourself that you could be happier by yourself. Then, your at home trying to enjoy your self, but you just cannot help but feel jealous of all the people who can have a good time out there in the world.

Can anyone else relate?



I truly just thought that I had an anxiety problem or something! I'm really new on here, so when I come across a post like this, it lights me up instantly because I am in awe to find someone that feels exactly the same way. My ex-boyfriend (we just broke up very recently) used to get so mad because I could never make up my mind about whether I wanted to come to his house or stay home, or go out somewhere or what. The frustration would eventually wind up on both sides, because I would end up getting defensive and yelling at him to make the decision himself. It seems silly, and I still don't understand why this happens. And then on the days that I do decide what to do, I'm either hanging out with him and really wishing I had stayed home because there are other things I'd rather be doing. If I choose to be home one day, then I find myself feeling mopey because I imagine all the other people that are out doing something entertaining while I am not. It is an endless cycle that is so very draining.

I would really love to hear more thoughts from others on this as well... my theory is that it has to do with the fact that our attention span is so all over the place, too many options to consider and wanting to do all of them at once and then more.

mos5618
06-28-11, 05:30 AM
It would be nice to have a nice long meaningful conversation with someone in real life one of these days. I don't think I had one of those in many years.

I soo totally know what you mean.
ADD and bipolar disorder give me a hard time finding friends, fitting in and socializing, too - but a meaningful conversation is something that is hard to get even when you are actually with other people.

Often I have the feeling that so many people speak about quite superficial and trivial things when they socialize... I get bored very quickly. And I also have the feeling that it is more difficult for me to stay in the discussion the more trivial the topic is, but maybe that's just me being antisocial. Who knows.

Too bad the forum users live so far away from each other.

speculative
07-03-11, 11:20 PM
I never really learned to socialize or make friends growing up. The first two "best friends" I had growing up, and the first girl I ever had a crush on, moved away between kindergarten and 2nd grade. Then, the next kid I was becoming good friends with moved away. A few years after that, the cutest girl in class asked me out. My parents wouldn't let me date until high school, so she dumped me and I got bullied because of it.

So, I never learned to make friends, or girlfriends. Instead, I usually ended up hanging out with all the misfits by default, which didn't help me gain social skills. By the time it was high school and I was allowed to date, I was seen as weird and so never dated. The few times I tried it was epic fail. In high school, all anyone ever did for fun was drink. Senior year, many people came to school hungover most of the time. At that point, since I wanted nothing to do with that sort of thing, I became kind of anti-social.

When I went to college, I lived in a wellness dorm. Because it was a non-drinking dorm, I met smart, motivated, unique people and became friends with many of my dormmates. I never fell in with the "beautiful people" crowd, but generally I hung out with who I wanted to hang out with.

Now, everyone my age is either married, divorced, on their second marriage, or twice-divorced with 2-4 kids. I felt broken for a long, long time because I didn't have friends or a girlfriend. Now, I just do my own thing. Sometimes, it still bothers me. I think because of the add low self-confidence and feelings of inadequacy, I tend to assume that everyone is awesome and I'm just not good enough to find friends. The reality of it is that a select few people are awesome, some people are good, many people are not that friendly or bright or fun, some people are jerks, and a few people are downright mean.

I've found that if I don't try to "force" friendships, that whatever does come my way is more genuine. Interestingly enough, I'm well-liked at work. So, if I could ever figure out how to put myself into situations where I would meet people with similar interests/backgrounds, perhaps there is yet hope. :D

Nancy18
07-03-11, 11:48 PM
I can think of a few suggestions-
take a continuing education class at a community college in something that you are curious about (ie. creative writing, starting a new business, woodworking, gardening, home repair, etc). You'll probably end up meeting people you have something in common with. Also meetup.com has listings of groups of people in thousands of interests. Or - if you are adventurous, maybe get involved in your local live theater. Maybe they need a few extras (non-speaking parts as well) in their play - it's a great way to get to know other people (and many of them could be 'shy' in real life too). Maybe give that a try.

anonymouslyadd
07-03-11, 11:59 PM
Your in the group wondering why you went. You think to yourself that you could be happier by yourself. Then, your at home trying to enjoy your self, but you just cannot help but feel jealous of all the people who can have a good time out there in the world. Can anyone else relate?

I can. I notice how it makes me feel when I see someones status update on Facebook. I feel like I'm missing out on something.

meadd823
07-04-11, 05:30 AM
I can. I notice how it makes me feel when I see someones status update on Facebook. I feel like I'm missing out on something.

LMAO - I read this and recalled one of my recent status updates on Facebook

Shiaty lesson of the day - Never ever give cats in a trap bacon unless you intend to release them within the next hour or so.

Bacon = meow meow laxative :eek:



Soooo now ya know what you are really missing out on - :p

gerwin
07-04-11, 05:43 AM
I feel lonely...

My family and girlfriend told me this weekend that the real me is disappointing them, and the "new medicated" version was uninteresting and also disappointing.

so to me this feels like nobody is accepting me for who i am and i get a very big feeling of never REALLY being loved.

I know i shouldn't bother others with my thoughts, I apologise for that

Space Sphere
07-04-11, 09:11 AM
I feel lonely...

My family and girlfriend told me this weekend that the real me is disappointing them, and the "new medicated" version was uninteresting and also disappointing.

so to me this feels like nobody is accepting me for who i am and i get a very big feeling of never REALLY being loved.

I know i shouldn't bother others with my thoughts, I apologise for that


The only way to get answers is to ask. May seem like a 'burden' to you, but how else will you get your answers? You could try and figure it out yourself, but you might be there all day (only going off of my experience, figuring things out yourself sucks).

You shouldn't regret or apologize asking for help. It's something I'm working on too.

But anyway, if you are NEWLY medicated, there is a bit of an unspoken 'grace' period to see if the medication works for you, or if the side effects make taking the medication not worth it.
Not knowing all the information at hand. It sounds like you are trying to better yourself. And that's good on you for doing so.
I don't know how your relationship with your girlfriend and parents are (not sure if they know in depth about your ADHD, or if they just don't know completely).

I would say to only look at the small things right now because of the medication. Just be aware if there are any side effects, how you're able to function, pay attention to differences of being on medication and not being on it.
Think of it like a super-power. What are you able to do and where are your limits with your new medication/super-powers.

The comments your loved ones said did suck. Try to immerse yourself in something you like (hobbies, PS3, youtube videos, etc). Watch something funny (helps me =shrug=). Doing that and coming back to what they said at a later time WILL help.


Well, I hope I helped out somewhere. If not, let me know

LoveMePlease
07-05-11, 01:01 AM
I can relate to each and every one of you. During the day I'm focused and want to be alone to do my work, and when the med's wear off during the late afternoon-evening I get irritable and somewhat depressed that I'm alone. Like right now, actually. But, I dose up on sleeping pills at night so I don't have to deal with the misery too long, and can start over happy and motivated in the morning.

redyogini
07-05-11, 02:46 PM
I've never had trouble making friends. I'm a huge dork-always loved school, was into anime in middle school/high school, band geek, avid Harry Potter fan, big reader, etc. etc. and that's the group I fell in with in school. We're all very accepting and open-minded, and no matter how much time passes between meetings (now that we're "grown-ups" with jobs) it feels like no time has passed at all. I don't feel like I have to hang out with them all the time, but we check in and meet up occasionally in the midst of our busy schedules and that works for us.

In fact, in two weeks we will be going to the Harry Potter DHP2 midnight showing dressed up as characters. Yes, we are in our mid-20s. Yes, we are dorks. But we've got each other's backs no matter what.

I think having a common interest with people is a huge help. Also, try out different activities (for me, being in band gave me a huge pool of people I felt like I fit in with growing up! Now, yoga classes give me that.). See if they seem genuine. If you see a group that seems nice and accepting, try to start hanging out with them, cause they're probably into making new friends. Be honest-"I don't like to go out much, but I really love that you invited me. Tell me whenever you plan on (doing A,B,C) next time!" If they think that an honest, candid statement like that is weird, then they're probably used to people being fake and you're likely wasting your time with them anyway. People who are worth it are okay with honesty.

On another note, most of my NT coworkers, friends and/or acquaintances complain that as you get older it's so much harder to maintain non-family relationships. It's not just us ADD'ers. :cool:

kamk2k8
07-18-11, 02:56 AM
i can relate to each and every one of you. During the day i'm focused and want to be alone to do my work, and when the med's wear off during the late afternoon-evening i get irritable and somewhat depressed that i'm alone. Like right now, actually. But, i dose up on sleeping pills at night so i don't have to deal with the misery too long, and can start over happy and motivated in the morning.

exactly!

littlefidget
07-26-11, 04:43 AM
I think it's important, as an adult, not to limit yourself on "friends" based on age or life stage...<O:p</O:p
I have never felt like I fitted in with my own peer group. As a kid I got on much better with adults/older kids or much younger kids (not in a weird way, just through coaching and tutoring etc). Now I'm 22 and even though we're all 'adults' now I still don't fit in with people my own age, but do get on better with people much older. The problem with this is though, that being a student I don't really come across many older people in 'social situations.' I get on great with lecturers and uni staff but it's not like I can hang out with them socially. I get on really well with one tutor and it feels a lot more like we're friends than student/tutor, and I think that when I graduate (which should hopefully be soon!) I'll feel like I'll have lost a friend :(

<O:p</O:pI've gotten bored with every friend I've ever made as well as every pet I've ever owned. I feel like I put more effort into the friendships then I get back. I know that's probably not the case and just my screwed up view of the world. Sad but true.
I often think I have too high expectations of people, and that's my main problem. I always feel like I put more effort in that the other person, in fact I often feel like I'm the only one putting effort in...

I never really learned to socialize or make friends growing up
I can definitely relate to this. I feel like I just don't know how to really establish friendships or maintain them. Part of me thinks that I just must not know how're they're supposed to work and that I'm doing it all wrong. The couple of people I'd consider to be friends I didn't 'force' friendships, I just fell into being friends with them.

<O:p</O:p<O:p</O:p<O:p</O:p
Poor self esteem is also a major barrier for me making friends and socialising. I’m in counselling but just can’t seem to develop my self esteem and become a more confident person, who actually likes herself…

pedalpounder
07-26-11, 05:17 AM
The perfect way to socialize for me would be:

A) Having an assistant who handles all the details of the event, down to where I am at what minute.
B) Someone who radios me in my ear piece the little pleasantries and etiquette. I dread those 'ok-I'm-done-talking-to-you-but-don't-know-how-to-get-away' moments, filled of course by more talking. Usually it just goes... awkward silence..... look around, fidget, look down, a half enthused "well" and leave. Gah
C) Maybe if everyone were blindfolded it would help. Socializing is sensory overload.
D) Someone who insta-transports me to said place of socialization. Why bother travelling for that? Bleh.

Conman
07-26-11, 04:43 PM
i agree there. my brother usually helps me by saying the things i should do (which work and are true)...but i forget after about a week. i need a note pad of his things what he said, or for him to shrink, be invisible, and stand on my shoulder when situation calls.