View Full Version : Helping a guy plan getting together


Lillianmay
06-13-11, 02:57 PM
Hello. I am new here. I am 21 and go to community college part time. I have always had LD’s and college has become very stressful, so I am being evaluated this summer for possible ADD-PI or SCT. Many of the threads I have read through here remind me of me so I may be asking questions along the way and thanks for the help I’ve already got from reading though this site.

My first question is about a friendship. I met a guy at school right before Christmas break. I am very shy and have not dated much. We began emailing each other and he asked me out (by email) for after break. I told him about my auditory processing so he would not think I was stupid when I struggled with conversation. He did not say he had ADHD but over time I noticed a lot of ADHD things about him. We had a few friendly dates but then he became busy with school and I thought he had lost interest. After finals, he started to pay attention again and we have resumed emailing a couple of times a week. His emails are sweet, respectful, and a little romantic, but he hasn’t asked me out again, though he has implied he would like to get together when things are less hectic.

I read here that some of you said it can take all your energy just to get through school and work. He lives on his own and works as well as going to school. I also read that often making plans is hard. Is there a way I can help him “make plans” without being forward or causing stress? I do not make plans well either. Would it be OK to tell him I understand it is hard to make plans with his schedule and he can just text me if he feels like a walk or a sandwich? My schedule is pretty flexible. Thanks for any advice.

buggie
06-13-11, 05:06 PM
Hello. I am new here. I am 21 and go to community college part time. I have always had LD’s and college has become very stressful, so I am being evaluated this summer for possible ADD-PI or SCT. Many of the threads I have read through here remind me of me so I may be asking questions along the way and thanks for the help I’ve already got from reading though this site.

My first question is about a friendship. I met a guy at school right before Christmas break. I am very shy and have not dated much. We began emailing each other and he asked me out (by email) for after break. I told him about my auditory processing so he would not think I was stupid when I struggled with conversation. He did not say he had ADHD but over time I noticed a lot of ADHD things about him. We had a few friendly dates but then he became busy with school and I thought he had lost interest. After finals, he started to pay attention again and we have resumed emailing a couple of times a week. His emails are sweet, respectful, and a little romantic, but he hasn’t asked me out again, though he has implied he would like to get together when things are less hectic.

I read here that some of you said it can take all your energy just to get through school and work. He lives on his own and works as well as going to school. I also read that often making plans is hard. Is there a way I can help him “make plans” without being forward or causing stress? I do not make plans well either. Would it be OK to tell him I understand it is hard to make plans with his schedule and he can just text me if he feels like a walk or a sandwich? My schedule is pretty flexible. Thanks for any advice.

wow, it's funny, I am much older than you but having a very similar problem. If you see my thread below, I am STRESSED about a guy right now, who doesn't call when he says he will, and seems to be terrible at making plans. Normally I would say that if a guy does these things, he's just not that into me. However, I don't feel like he is trying to play me. I think he does actually like spending time with me, but he just doesn't organize things well.

This guy does have inattentive ADD (as opposed to my hyperactive/combined type) and it does seem to affect him a lot. But, I will say this, generally speaking ALL men, with ADD or not, are relatively terrible at making plans. I was just having this discussion with some other women I just met-- for some reason, men don't think to call until the exact moment they want you to be there. So you can't make plans, you don't know if you should get dressed...and you can't call them to check on it because you seem controlling or whatever...I think in reality there are far fewer differences between the sexes than are usually discussed, but I think this one of them that really exists and I think it's a major one.

I'm trying to just accept it with the man I'm seeing. I don't know if it means he really doesn't like me or what, but I think it's just how he is. Maybe if I continue getting to know him I'll suggest we come up with a system for working this issue out. I did find that asking him to a specific event at a specific time really seemed to make things...normal. In your situation I don't see why you can't ask him out. Make it something specific- plans you have with your other friends, or even just a specific date/time/place and not too far in advance (e.g. "hey, do you want to go see that movie XYZ Friday night? I think it is playing at ABC cinema.")

Lillianmay
06-13-11, 06:23 PM
Thanks Buggie.

I was thinking something routine like meeting for a Coke or lunch every Friday or whatever, but I think I need to know him a lot better first - even just to bring up our poor planning. If I didn't know about ADHD I would have written him off as too flaky.