View Full Version : Amazing personal growth after ADHD drugs, but I feel I'm growing out of my marriage:(


Loves Waffles
06-17-11, 02:17 AM
Hi, I'm sorry I have not introduced myself yet on these forums. I really need to get this out and I hope that someone out there can relate to this and provide advice or at least understanding.

I've lived with social anxiety and ADD for at least 20 years undiagnosed and finally after years of anguish and bouncing back and forth in therapy thinking I suffered from depression and trying every antidepressant known to man, I was finally diagnosed with ADD and social anxiety and was prescribed, what I call my miracle drug, vivanse. My world instantly changed, I began to soar at work and friendships became easy and I have finally become comfortable in my own skin and I'm just genuinely happy with myself and what I have accomplished in this past year. I finally became the person I knew I could be but struggled so hard to become and was constantly in turmoil wondering what the eff was wrong with me.

I could go on and on about that part, but what is really heavy on my heart and mind is my relationship. I have grown more in the past year of knowing who I am and what I want that I feel like I have grown light years ahead of my husband. There have always been problems and mainly communication problems between us (among other issues), but I have recently come to realize that I may have shoved a lot of our problems under the rug or forcefully ignored them and settled with my husband and married him because I had this inner turmoil (that I described above) that caused me to choose a mate that wasn't the right choice (or maybe was the right choice with who I was before vivanse). Ugh, I hope this doesn't paint me into a bad picture as I am struggling now even trying to explain this the right way.

I guess if I have give the cliff notes version. My insecurities and anxieties are gone and I'm not the person I used to be. I guess I'm realizing now that I chose a mate while I was a person who had sever anxiety and ADD issues and knowing who I am now on medication, I don't think my husband is the right person for me now. This is killing me to actually spit this out here. I have literally just figured this out no more than an hour before posting this.

I'm too afraid to think about how it would feel to leave him. But I get so much more satisfaction at work and in my circle of friends than I do at home with him. I don't feel we have much in common anymore. I want to learn and grow and experience things and enjoy friend's company. He just wants to be a homebody, play video games and work (he works from home!). I have to beg him to go out with me and when I finally do get him out he's so uptight that we argue. He is critical about people and he can't have a serious conversation. He just likes to joke and point out how lame everyone else is.

I'm agonizing over this because I don't know if leaving him is the right thing to do. I hate this. Has anyone out there experienced this before?

meadd823
06-17-11, 03:35 AM
How long ago did you begin your medications??

How long have you been in your current social circle?

Blueranne
06-17-11, 05:28 AM
Has anyone out there experienced this before?

Yes! I have and, am experiencing this currently. Although, your situation sounds a lot less extreme than mine. Still, Im not going to judge your pain as any less.

Mead asks a good question, how long have you been on meds?

This "high", euphoric feeling you are describing will not last forever and when it finally ends (if that is what your having) then you may be able to better cope with the new differences between you and your husband.

It is ok to have a life out side of your marriage too. So what if he doesnt come with you to go out. Maybe you can have a girls night out once a week or twice a month...

I guess what Im saying is dont rush anything. Take time to grow up a little more now that your meds are helping you. Yes, I dont care how old you are, there is something about finally getting treated with meds that allows you to "grow up". Just dont do it too fast.

I might be speaking more to my self in this response. Please ignore this all if it doesnt apply to what your saying... Good luck!

kilted_scotsman
06-17-11, 06:36 AM
I've been through this stuff.... more than 30 year of struggling before the diagnosis.

I went through a period of major change and self discovery after the diagnosis and that included my relationship....

I would take it easy... I'm 3 years in and still finding out new things about myself and how i relate to those around me. Ok so I am no longer married but that is more to do with being honest about what happened pre-diagnosis rather than my change.

I would say that sometimes in relationships one party doesn't want the other to change and wishes to continue the power structure that was there before. Sudden and dramatic growth in one partner can destabilise a realtionship unless both parties are self aware and willing to renegotiate the relationship dynamic, either overtly or subliminally.

In short I would say going to relationship counselling might be a good idea, as would going to individual counsellor. even if the realtionship does not survive it might be possible to find a gentle way out where both accept that irrevocable change has happened.

As is often said on these boards.. the key is the willingness of both parties to engage with the process of managing the change.....in an overt way.... and making the effort to seek outside objective help.

The author Joseph Conrad wrote a book called "The Shadow Line" about the change from immaturity to maturity through a lifechanging event. For me the diagnosis of ADD was such an event. It is probably easier when the man grows into maturity first in a relationship... as it is unfortunately still more culturally "acceptable" for a man to be the mature/breadwinner/rock/dependable/solid/reliable/selfaware one in a marriage..... whenit happens the other way around immature men are often challenged by a newly assertive and dynamic partner.

It is not easy to undertand and handle these forces which is why professional independant help might be useful to gain insight into what is happening to you and your relationship.

kilted

Loves Waffles
06-21-11, 01:50 AM
Thanks for your replies. Just knowing that someone understands or has been there helps a lot...so cliche eh? :)

Anyway, I have been in my current social circle now for a little over 8 months and have been on meds, or should I say, my miracle cocktail for a year and a half.

Not sure who said this above, but what really hit me was that your mate could still be influenced to grow and that give it some more time and continue to work on things. I think I've been impatient and the hardest part is that my husband refuses to communicate with me on anything major, he puts a wall up with any type of conflict with me. And if I raise my voice or get frustrated, he immediately asks me if I've taken my meds today. UGH. Tonight I got sick of him pushing me away when I want to talk or argue about something (argue, not fight...there's a difference). I'm so tired of him putting up a road block every time I make a good point about something in an argument. I got so sick of it that I refused to back down like I always do, but it just didn't go anywhere, he just thinks I'm crazy and spiraling into the abyss of lunatics, but all I'm doing is trying to communicate and get him to respond to me to talk thru things.

Is it possible that people can bring a negative trait out of you? It's so strange, but as I am venting right now, it just popped into my head that I love who I am when I am at work and around other people, but I hate who I become at home. Bickering and griping was a normal part of my relationship over a year and a half ago, but now I just don't see the point anymore. I don't think I connect at all with my husband and even companionship is not enjoyable. I feel like someone is just pushing every button inside of me. And the only reason I can see this now is that when I'm enjoying company of other people (which I used to avoid), I realize how great it makes me feel and how much love I have to give to friendships. I never felt comfortable doing that before...and now when I look at my relationship, I don't get any enjoyment from it like I do around others. Should you feel some joy when you are with your mate? I can't say I never feel joy...it's just that when I do it's not for long until the button pusher throws me a curve ball and I'm bickering my **** off with him and hating who i am in that moment.

Anyway, it's going on 2 years on meds around November of this year. Think I've given it enough time to realize this is real that I'm feeling? I'm definitely over the euphoria at this point. I did feel that right at first.

metzfanaz
06-21-11, 03:31 PM
Is it possible that people can bring a negative trait out of you?


For sure, my wife and I tend to bring out the worst in each other all the time. The only thing that's really stopped is the fact that at one time we used to bring out the best in each other also.

Looties
06-21-11, 09:47 PM
If your thinking to yourself these things, and are confident enough in the thoughts to actually present them in this public forum - then I think you've given it enough thought - you already know the answer you want us to say. However, just to help you confirm what you already know:

This person is clearly not your "soul mate", your "ideal mate/friend/lover" and "not the one" you want to be with for the rest of your life! People change, they get better or worse in certain areas... A good strong mate for you would not only be exceptionally happy for your new-found love of life - but would also do everything in their power to support your happiness. If this person refuses to even make a single small effort to fulfill your simple desires - they don't really want to be your life-partner!

They are, in this situation, taking advantage of you and your sense of "comfort" and "normality" and just assuming you won't have the drive and motivation to "find someone better". This is why your partner won't ever be a good match for you --- he's comfortable making light of your desires and ignoring them. He's done so for so long and hasn't suffered any issues or negative consequences, so he will continue to do so... its just human nature to get into these sort of rhythms / habits / ways of thinking and doing things. You've broken free from this thanks in part to your strong friendships, and perhaps in part due to your medication. He' however, will be impossible or near impossible to budge from this, because frankly - its working really well for him and has for a long time! I mean hey, he got together with a strong and talented and I'm sure beautiful person like you with those same tricks, right? Why change what appears (to him) to be a solid winning strategy?

Don't make this more complex than it needs to be. Your lover, he won't even make a minimal effort to get to know the true you. He won't even be seen in public enjoying your company! I know that you've only given us one side, but frankly - a relationship needs to be strong from ALL sides, and if one half the equation is off, that's enough to consider moving on with your life to find someone who actually makes you happy~ This thread has shown me (and I imagine everyone else who is reading it) that in your current situation, you are not happy. Attempts to make yourself happy with your partner's help have shown he is not interested in your happiness either. You owe it to yourself and your future to do what must be done to make yourself as happy as you can be --- because in all honesty here -- this person doesn't seem to be interested in helping with that. One-sided relationships are doomed to collapse! This relationship is sinking and you need to jump ship before you get pulled down underwater and into an inescapable situation.

You know this, I know this... Just be honest with yourself! I know this will most likely be the single most emotionally draining and difficult thing to do --- The person you gave your heart and soul to will not handle this well and there will be even more problems before things get better--- but you need to break up with this person and find your happiness elsewhere. From my reading, I don't think this person is even willing to TRY changing, let alone making the required compromises needed to salvage this relationship. You deserve better, I know this, you know this... and unfortunately - you are the only one who can make this happen. It will suck, all break ups do... But you gotta do it to find that happiness that he isn't providing.

And hey, even though its perhaps a corny way of thinking --- You're unknowingly holding HIM back from finding a more compatible mate too. You may think he will die alone, drowning in his own tears of despair (or in empty pizza boxes from the sound of his personality~) if you weren't there -- but rest assured, when push comes to shove, he'll be happier in the long run with someone whose more compatible with him too!

Good luck and please --- even if you decide NOT to follow this (perhaps dramatic but I feel fairly soundly thought out) advice - please let us know what happens. I'm curious to see where this whole issue / topic / chain of events leads~

Loves Waffles
06-21-11, 10:15 PM
Looties, not all, but most of your assumptions are creepily dead on. Some of your words were like daggers dripping with my reality. I completely agree that the chances of my relationship getting better are nil and it's really time to face the music. Every time I realize this is true my pathetic thinking tells me that any relationship I encounter will just have just as much frustration eventually, but under different circumstances. I then start to doubt myself that it's me, maybe I really AM the crazy lunatic my husband thinks I am. After all, my only other major relationship I had before my husband didn't leave me feeling like I was a great girlfriend.

Then I do look at the other side to those negative thoughts and think maybe with the way I am now post medication, I would have a chance at a healthy relationship. /Shrug.

I feel I am stuck in the immortal abyss of catch-22ness, purgatory on earth.

Spacemaster
06-21-11, 11:20 PM
I think perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to just take a good chunk of time to be a single girl. I think it would be beneficial for you to get to know -you- in this new light. It sounds like you've had a life changing diagnosis, and I believe some time alone to reflect and learn about your new life will prepare you to choose a better future relationship, and be successful in it. Not that I know anything, I'm going through my own issues with little success :)

String
06-23-11, 03:01 PM
I think there's something to be said for keeping the commitment you made when you married this guy (unless he's abusing you or neglectful). All marriage partners go through changes, sometimes huge changes like your ADHD diagnosis. However, these changes don't always have to break up marriages. Sometimes they are opportunities for growth within a marriage. Learning to love your imperfect spouse can often be more fulfilling, rewarding, and provide more personal growth than going out to see if someone else is going to be a better soul mate. This isn't always the case, especially when a spouse really is abusive or neglectful. It's just something to seriously consider.

A lot of people go through a lot marriages, hoping the next spouse will be that special soul mate they have been hoping to find, and not all of these people seem very fulfilled. What you think might be best for you could, in the end, feel somewhat hollow. If you have children, you might also want to consider what would be best for them.

Loves Waffles
06-24-11, 11:54 PM
Thanks for your opinions and responses, they really help me think about my situation.

Tonight has put me in such a frustrated mood :(. My husband and I got into an argument and just started bickering back and forth. UGHHH.

It seems that the way my husband communicates, like always joking, sarcastic or avoiding serious talks, frustrates the living hell out of me. It's been 8 years now that we've been together (married 5) and I'm so sick of his joking and non-seriousness that I flip out at the littlest things that he says. I honestly feel so confused and cannot figure out if it is me that is just a nutcase or if my husband just bother's the crap out of me.

Anyway, there is a whole other underlying element to my relationship that also confuses me on how I truly feel. Ill try to make a long story short....

My husband's job (before we were married, when we were in love and dating) moved him from California (home) to Texas. After he was there a few months we decided we didn't want to be apart. We were talking marriage at this time and i had given my 2 weeks notice at my job and put all the money i had in the bank into moving. Hadn't ever even been to Dallas but I felt at the time I wanted to be with him. I made all arrangements and it was just 2 weeks before I was moving there that he surprised me with a vasectomy! Just 2 week prior we had talked about how we were going to deal with birth control and we both said we were more positive that we didn't want to have kids than we were positive. But I think he didn't hear me on the phone when I said, "well let's not do anything drastic before we are sure." Either he didn't understand or hear me or he just misunderstood. Lastly, I don't understand why he surprised me, who surprises ANYONE with a vasectomy????. Anyway, I was on cloud nine that I was getting married and moving to a new state and going to start a new life with him and at the time I really wasn't sure I wanted to have kids yet. And in the back of my mind I always knew (or thought) we could reverse it. Also, keep in mind i was very insecure and had ADD and anxiety issues that I didn't know about. So the years went on, we got married and right before we got married I had asked him if the idea of kids were totally not an option or if there were still a chance. He said that he was still open to it but it had to be the right time. Well every 6 months we talked about it and it never turned into the right time. Many tears were shed as I completely realized that I wanted to have children. Especially after moving to Dallas where the nuclear family is much more perfect here than in California. Families, babies and pregnant women were all over the place reminding me how much I would love to have a family. Anyway, it's not going to happen with us or me with anyone else. I'm 39 and a half now and by the time I get my barrings straight and meet someone else, if I even have the balls to leave him, I would be too old to have a children. I have no desire to be with anyone else anyway. So, I realize it's not going to happen and I've tried to move on and accept that. In fact so much so I decided that I would put a lot of effort into my career and I have grown so much at work that I just love who I am at work and absolutely love my job. I really think I can deal without having children and focus on other areas in my life that I love and enjoy.

This is where I'm hugely, massively confused. I don't know if that I just totally resent my husband for having the vasectomy and that's why I hate everything about him? Or am I just a controlling beeeeyotch that wants to cut her spouse down? Or??? I don't know...I really need to see a therapist, huh?

Well was good to at least get this out. So frustrated and confused and scared of being alone without a family of my own and just growing old bored and unhappy by myself. :(