View Full Version : Zodiac signs & light bulbs

06-20-11, 08:21 AM
How many members of your Zodiac sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries - Just one. You want to make something of it?!

Taurus - One, but just try to convince them that the burned out light bulb is useless and needs changing.

Gemini - Two, but the job never gets done. They just keep endlessly chatting with each other as to who is supposed to do it and how it should be done.

Cancer - Just one, but it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process involved in actually throwing the light bulb away.

Leo - Are you crazy? Leo's don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo - Approximately 1.000000, with an error of +/ - one millionth.

Libra - Er, two, or maybe one. No, on second thoughts make that two. Is that ok with you?

Scorpio - I'll have you know that information is strictly secret and shared only with the enlightened ones in the star chamber of the ancient hierarchical order.

Sagittarius - Look! The sun is shining, we're young, and we've got our whole lives ahead of us; and here you are worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?

Capricorn - Frankly, I don't have time to waste on these childish jokes and pranks.

Aquarius - Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, the universe is constantly expanding, so......

Pisces - Light bulb? What light bulb?

I'm Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. :p

06-20-11, 08:55 AM
Do you have a link for that? My copy and paste options are out of order

06-20-11, 09:11 AM
Gemini - Two, but the job never gets done. They just keep endlessly chatting with each other as to who is supposed to do it and how it should be done.

Brilliant!! :D

06-20-11, 09:13 AM
Capricorn - Frankly, I don't have time to waste on these childish jokes and pranks.

No wonder I never get along w/ Capricorns.. :rolleyes:

06-20-11, 10:48 PM
Do you have a link for that? My copy and paste options are out of order

Sorry, I don't have a link.
I have a folder with bits and pieces that I found on the net.
I came across it on another board awhile back. :)

06-20-11, 10:50 PM
The zodiac is in the same cupboard as the tooth fairy for me.

06-20-11, 11:42 PM
VV funny. But sadly, true for me. I am a Cancer :( It's always hard to throw away something that has been such a big part of my life and has been such a big help...*sigh* :D

06-20-11, 11:45 PM
Do you have a link for that? My copy and paste options are out of order

you can subscribe to it. Just click on thread tools. I choose to not to receive email notifications. You can then access it through the User CP button. It'll be under subscribed threads, above your rep points notifications. When your copy paste is working again, you can access it through User CP and cut and paste!

06-21-11, 09:44 AM
I found some more. :)

Capricorn born on the cusp of Aquarius this is so Meeeeeeee. :p

Capricorn: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

Aquarius: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

Now read yours. :)

06-21-11, 09:47 AM
Astrology and Coffee

ARIES: Aries is the adventuresome sign. They're off on a Wilderness trek, a safari or hiking outdoors. Always on the go, Aries likes a full bodied coffee like those from Africa. A single origin from Kenya would be worth discovering to this sign.

TAURUS: These bullheaded people find a coffee and stick with it. Earthy Taurus enjoys a coffee that has been grown without herbicides, pesticides or artificial fertilizer, such as an organic from Guatemala.

GEMINI: Whimsical Gemini is mercurial in nature and likes one coffee this week and another next. Their airy disposition influences a desire for a lighter to medium bodied coffee and for trying the latest on the menu. One of the world's new Papua New Guinea coffees will intrigue at least for a few days.

CANCER: Sensitive moonchildren may choose a decaf because caffeine could make them bounce off the wall.

LEO: Trendy Leo is the first to try and learn everything about popular espresso based drinks. Lions have espresso machines at home and are ferocious about perfecting their crema and frothing techniques.

VIRGO: Pure, conservative Virgoans will stick with Colombian, the tried and true coffee that is traditional and dependable.

LIBRA: Always striving for balance, Librans choose Mocha-Java, the world's oldest and most famous blend of l/2 Mocha and l/2 Java.

SCORPIO: Dramatic Scorpions, known for their mysterious nature, hide their dark thoughts behind a cup of rich French Roast. Long periods of unbroken concentration on stressful projects require a large mug filled with strongly brewed java.

SAGITTARIUS: You will find these adventuresome archers nestled among the brush of the Serengeti, peering through binoculars and sipping a cup of Tanzanian peaberry, while watching the Wildebeest migrate.

CAPRICORN: Classy, upscale, traditional Capricorns enjoy experimenting with Estate coffees. These aristocratic Mountain Goats require the finest quality available.

AQUARIUS: Unconventional, avant garde waterbearers prefer to experiment and create their own blends. They probably never drink the same coffee the same way more than once. Instead, they carefully mix, match, measure and taste until perfected.

PISCES When you see a Piscean drinking a cup of after dinner coffee, most likely it is laced with a liqueur. Pisceans enjoy tipping the cup with spirits. They like to try all the fancy dessert coffees on the menu.

06-21-11, 09:51 AM
Near Death Experiences and Astrology

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he's dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.

06-21-11, 09:53 AM
The zodiac is in the same cupboard as the tooth fairy for me.

It's just a bit of fun.

Smile! It don't hurt. :p

06-21-11, 09:57 AM
Just a bit of astrology humour. Please don't take offence. :)

Which pet would go best with each sign?

Aries: Anything, as long as it's got a lot of energy!

Taurus: A turtle: itıs slow-moving, doesnıt need a lot of attention, and wonıt compete with its owner for food.

Gemini: A talking parrot; need I say more? Well, of course I do, but--

Cancer: Anything, as long as it needs to be nurtured.

Leo: A big, bold, ferocious feline, as long as it doesnıt compete with its ownerıs place in the sun.

Virgo: Letıs see, I have to get up at 7:30 to feed it, let it out at 7:45, at 10:00 I need to go to the grocery store to pick up three cans of food, which will cost $3.86, including tax--

Libra: Hm, good question. One the one hand, a dog is active, affectionate, and companionable. On the other hand, a cat is pretty independent and wonıt require as much time and attention. Oh, I donıt know. What would you do? Are you sure?

Scorpio: A cat. Secretive, mysterious, and unpredictable. Whatıs not to like?

Sagittarius: A horse, of course! Letıs hope itıs got enough stamina to keep up with me.

Capricorn: Do I have to pay for it?

Aquarius: A hamster. First, Iıve got to set up a detailed cage with tubes going from here to here, and an energy sensor--they donıt make anything like that? Thatıs okay, Iım sure what I come up with will be much better.

Pisces : Fish. When their owner forgets about them for weeks on end, theyıre easy to replace. If Pisces remembers to replace them...

06-21-11, 10:00 AM
Astrology Humour - After Sex Comments

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

06-21-11, 10:03 AM
Check this one out.

Traffic Signs and Astrology

06-21-11, 10:11 AM
Think you can face the truth about your sign?

Here's your funny horoscope

Here’s mine!!!! :p

Capricorn - Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-***** and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns

Aquarius - The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they **** everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians.

06-21-11, 10:19 AM

06-21-11, 10:30 AM
Q: How many new agers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a world where we can all aspire to be gods.