View Full Version : Was I wrong?


anonymouslyadd
06-24-11, 09:56 AM
Hey guys. My sister is in a new city and going through the adjustment process of change. She's having issues with a roommate. My mom informed me about this last night. I texted my mom (we do not have the best relationship) this morning about how my sister was feeling. I told my mom how ADD affects people more (my sister has not been officially diagnosed).

My mom sent me a barrage of texts saying that telling my sister she had it (ADD) made her feel bad. I told my mom that she shouldn't be having this conversation with me. I told her that it was between my sister and I. She continued like she always does. She has a hard time knowing when to stop (I'm pretty sure she's ADD-combined type).

The conversation ended (so I think) with me explaining why I feel that people need to know they have ADD. I explained that I don't want people to suffer as I have with depression and anxiety and not know why. Also, how ADD can severly impact people's lives.

The fact that my sister as my mom says was hurt is bothering me. I don't feel like I was wrong, but the thought keeps on creeping up.

I'm experiencing feelings of sadness and pain.:(

Was I wrong in saying this to my sister?

Turbochica
06-24-11, 10:11 AM
I think your right, If your sister was upset with anything you had to say, she should talk to you. Your mom was being defensive, but should have held her tongue and let the two of you deal with it

danelady
06-24-11, 10:11 AM
Anything that mom says that your sister said is strictly hearsay. Maybe when you told your mom that you suffered through depression she took it as a personal attack on her mothering skills.

Let your sister tell you how she feels and let her know how much you love her and would never want to hurt her.

anonymouslyadd
06-24-11, 10:25 AM
Anything that mom says that your sister said is strictly hearsay. Maybe when you told your mom that you suffered through depression she took it as a personal attack on her mothering skills.

Let your sister tell you how she feels and let her know how much you love her and would never want to hurt her.

I thought about that as far as my mom is concerned. I think I need to wait to have the conversation with my sister until she brings it up. However, I have the itch to impulsively text her now!

You're saying to wait until she comes to me right?

gerwin
06-24-11, 10:26 AM
^ what they said :D

danelady
06-24-11, 11:03 AM
You're saying to wait until she comes to me right?

Personally,I'm not the kind of person to wait if I know of a problem with someone I care about. I like to get things out in the open quickly and clear the air. Why drive yourself crazy worrying about whether or not your sister is really upset at you.

If its easy to get in touch with sis why not carefully and lovingly ask her if you've done anything to upset her and how can you make things right if you did.

anonymouslyadd
06-24-11, 11:20 AM
Personally,I'm not the kind of person to wait if I know of a problem with someone I care about. I like to get things out in the open quickly and clear the air. Why drive yourself crazy worrying about whether or not your sister is really upset at you.

If its easy to get in touch with sis why not carefully and lovingly ask her if you've done anything to upset her and how can you make things right if you did.

I don't like to wait either. I actually hate when there's unresolved trouble. I think you make a good point. I would rather have her come to me, but I guess that's a best case scenario.

Honestly dane, with my dysfunctional family, I'm thinking talking to my sister about it will probably get back to my mom. Then, I'll have to deal with more s***. My mom and stepdad never taught us that sometimes you need to have difficult, uncomfortable conversations in order to resolve something.

Am I being irrational?

danelady
06-24-11, 01:41 PM
I don't like to wait either. I actually hate when there's unresolved trouble. I think you make a good point. I would rather have her come to me, but I guess that's a best case scenario.

Honestly dane, with my dysfunctional family, I'm thinking talking to my sister about it will probably get back to my mom. Then, I'll have to deal with more s***. My mom and stepdad never taught us that sometimes you need to have difficult, uncomfortable conversations in order to resolve something.

Am I being irrational?


Oh my gosh no you're not! I grew up in a family that didn't speak either! That's how I grew up being molested by the priest for long,nobody wanted to be the one to open that can of worms. Nobody wanted to say 'gee,isn't little danelady acting kinda crazy? Why isn't she like other girls? Why does she sit and rock back and forth all the time? Why is she hiding under the bed or why won't she come down from the top of that tree? Maybe we should take her to a doctor and see if something is wrong with her.'

Your mom and stepdad might not mind spending the rest of their life in an emotional fog,but they will be gone one day. You will have your sister around a lot longer. Isn't it possible for your sis to just keep this between the two of you?

I have a lot of half sisters and I continuously hear about who said this and who said that and who isn't talking to whom this year. I was consumed with jealousy of these girls who grew up with the man who was supposed to be my
father while I lived in turmoil. As much as I am blood red mad at my whole sister that I grew up with...I truly wish we could have a relationship now that our mother is gone,but a lifetime of so much stuff is in the way and it will never happen.

So you know your family the best,but I wouldn't let mom try to interfere with your relationship with your sister.

BR549
06-24-11, 02:16 PM
Anon, I understand exactly where you are coming from. It's an emotional ping-pong game that you are worried about starting.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family and getting away from that and learning how to cope, emotionally mature and handle problems in a healthy productive way isn't easy. It's even harder to apply what you've learned to situations involving your family, when they are still the same dysfunctional people.

As much as you'd love for your sister to come to you, the reality is, your mom may have already talked to her. I don't know anything about your mom or sister or if your mom is manipulative in any way. So I hope that I don't offend you. I know that this situation is EXACTLY like the MANY situations I've been in with my mom, brother and sister. Your mom may have already talked to your sister and told her side of the story. My experience has been my mom's side and my side differ greatly. I'm usually accused of deliberately trying to upset everyone.

I've learned that if I just call my sister and tell her exactly what happened and apologize for any hurt that I may have caused or misunderstanding, things are always better. Which usually ticks my mom off, but the fact that things are okay with my sister are what's most important to me. She will be here longer than my mom and I want someone I can turn to.

After YEARS of going through these ordeals and being hurt and mad at each other, my sister and I now have an agreement that anytime mom tells one of us something that involves the other, we double check with each other.

Get with your sister. If your mom gets mad because you talked to your sister because you didn't want her to be hurt about something you said, then she shouldn't have told you to begin with. You can't let this little scratch go unattended until it becomes infected. Then it's harder to treat and heal. A simple 'hey, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me" is always appropriate when you feel you've wronged or hurt someone unintentionally. It's up to her to accept it and move on if she really is upset.

You are not being irrational. You are trying to handle this situation in an emotionally mature way without causing unnecessary conflict. Unfortunately, you can't always avoid conflict in these situations.

I hope that things are okay and that your sister isn't hurt.

anonymouslyadd
06-24-11, 03:26 PM
Oh my gosh no you're not! I grew up in a family that didn't speak either! That's how I grew up being molested by the priest for long,nobody wanted to be the one to open that can of worms. Nobody wanted to say 'gee,isn't little danelady acting kinda crazy? Why isn't she like other girls? Why does she sit and rock back and forth all the time? Why is she hiding under the bed or why won't she come down from the top of that tree? Maybe we should take her to a doctor and see if something is wrong with her.'


I'm sorry for what happened to you in your childhood.:( It makes sense that you would withdrawal as a protective mechanism.


Your mom and stepdad might not mind spending the rest of their life in an emotional fog,but they will be gone one day. You will have your sister around a lot longer. Isn't it possible for your sis to just keep this between the two of you?


Well, I don't mind keeping it between us. I just wonder how my sister would handle it. If I do go right to her, I'm not sure she wouldn't go to my mom. I mean how else would I have thought about going to her in the first place?



So you know your family the best,but I wouldn't let mom try to interfere with your relationship with your sister.


Well, we still talk and it's as if everything is good. I just want it resolved.

Muggzy
06-24-11, 04:02 PM
Something to keep in mind also, is that when you begin to learn about the different disorders, like ADD, NPD, BPD, etc, you start to SEE it everywhere.
While it is ok to maybe point out a "suggestion" that something may be going on and MAYBE they should go talk to a Dr about it, I usually stop short of suggesting to anyone that they, or someone they know/love might have some variety of mental "disorder", it's just dangerous ground to tread and often no good can come from it besides offending or upsetting someone. Just my .02.

anonymouslyadd
06-24-11, 04:12 PM
Anon, I understand exactly where you are coming from. It's an emotional ping-pong game that you are worried about starting.


Yes, it is, and it's very exhausting, which I think you get. My mom habitually goes into areas that are not her business.


Growing up in a dysfunctional family and getting away from that and learning how to cope, emotionally mature and handle problems in a healthy productive way isn't easy. It's even harder to apply what you've learned to situations involving your family, when they are still the same dysfunctional people.

You really hit it there.

It took a therapist's teachings for me to learn how to cope as well as my career coach. Interestingly, my therapist's background taught her that if one person changes, the whole system changes. That's not the case with my family.



As much as you'd love for your sister to come to you, the reality is, your mom may have already talked to her. I don't know anything about your mom or sister or if your mom is manipulative in any way. So I hope that I don't offend you. I know that this situation is EXACTLY like the MANY situations I've been in with my mom, brother and sister. Your mom may have already talked to your sister and told her side of the story. My experience has been my mom's side and my side differ greatly. I'm usually accused of deliberately trying to upset everyone.

My mom is a lot of things. Yes, she has been manipulative in the past. However, she once swore to me that she would never come in between myself and siblings. I believed her then. I don't know that I can now.

What do you mean when you say "Your mom may have already talked to your sister and told her side of the story?" I think you're suggesting her discussing our texting with my sister afterwards. Am I right? I guess it's possible. I hadn't considered that.

Yea, I know what it's like to be accused of things without warrant. My mom and I usually differ too. She's always been the type that needed my full approval of her views regarding my dad, and I never accepted them. Until 2006/2007, I thought I was wrong.


I've learned that if I just call my sister and tell her exactly what happened and apologize for any hurt that I may have caused or misunderstanding, things are always better. Which usually ticks my mom off, but the fact that things are okay with my sister are what's most important to me. She will be here longer than my mom and I want someone I can turn to.

You mean call her and tell her about the conversation I had with my mom and explain that I'm sorry for hurting her feelings? Gosh, I don't know if I could do that. If that's what you mean, I may need to consider it.

Yes, my mom would probably be ticked off and that's my worry. I worry about her reaction. My mom needs to be in control of what's said about her.

After YEARS of going through these ordeals and being hurt and mad at each other, my sister and I now have an agreement that anytime mom tells one of us something that involves the other, we double check with each other.

I like that.


Get with your sister. If your mom gets mad because you talked to your sister because you didn't want her to be hurt about something you said, then she shouldn't have told you to begin with. You can't let this little scratch go unattended until it becomes infected. Then it's harder to treat and heal. A simple 'hey, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me" is always appropriate when you feel you've wronged or hurt someone unintentionally. It's up to her to accept it and move on if she really is upset.


You're so right.


You are not being irrational. You are trying to handle this situation in an emotionally mature way without causing unnecessary conflict. Unfortunately, you can't always avoid conflict in these situations.
I hope that things are okay and that your sister isn't hurt.

Thanks for the reassurance and kindness.

danelady
06-24-11, 06:20 PM
Anon, I understand exactly where you are coming from. It's an emotional ping-pong game that you are worried about starting.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family and getting away from that and learning how to cope, emotionally mature and handle problems in a healthy productive way isn't easy. It's even harder to apply what you've learned to situations involving your family, when they are still the same dysfunctional people.

As much as you'd love for your sister to come to you, the reality is, your mom may have already talked to her. I don't know anything about your mom or sister or if your mom is manipulative in any way. So I hope that I don't offend you. I know that this situation is EXACTLY like the MANY situations I've been in with my mom, brother and sister. Your mom may have already talked to your sister and told her side of the story. My experience has been my mom's side and my side differ greatly. I'm usually accused of deliberately trying to upset everyone.

I've learned that if I just call my sister and tell her exactly what happened and apologize for any hurt that I may have caused or misunderstanding, things are always better. Which usually ticks my mom off, but the fact that things are okay with my sister are what's most important to me. She will be here longer than my mom and I want someone I can turn to.

After YEARS of going through these ordeals and being hurt and mad at each other, my sister and I now have an agreement that anytime mom tells one of us something that involves the other, we double check with each other.

Get with your sister. If your mom gets mad because you talked to your sister because you didn't want her to be hurt about something you said, then she shouldn't have told you to begin with. You can't let this little scratch go unattended until it becomes infected. Then it's harder to treat and heal. A simple 'hey, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me" is always appropriate when you feel you've wronged or hurt someone unintentionally. It's up to her to accept it and move on if she really is upset.

You are not being irrational. You are trying to handle this situation in an emotionally mature way without causing unnecessary conflict. Unfortunately, you can't always avoid conflict in these situations.

I hope that things are okay and that your sister isn't hurt.


I wish you were my little sister.

Amtram
06-24-11, 06:24 PM
Don't wait for an issue to resolve itself. They never do, at least not in a good way.

Nothing wrong with calling your sister and saying "Mom said you were really angry about me suggesting you might have problems related to ADD, and I just wanted to call and apologize if I said anything that hurt you. I honestly didn't mean to, and I'm sorry if I did." At that point, you've given her the option of assuring you she wasn't upset at all, or accepting your apology and opening up a conversation.

My youngest sister and I have had many a laugh telling each other what Mom said to one of us about the other, since we opened up the conversation about how it happened. From then on, if we hear something from Mom, we always call to pass the information on and get the facts from each other. It makes it a lot easier to not get irritated or upset about things she tells us, and brought us a lot closer.

tired1823
06-24-11, 07:06 PM
No, you weren't wrong. It's not a big deal. Your sister means a lot to you. If you are really close with someone and you have been studying add like you have, it is normal to not want to keep it from her and to confide in her or try to help her if she is in need. Your sister knows that you read a lot about adhd and are working hard to treat yours. She is also probably self aware, and it may have occured to her that she might be, anyway. When I started researching so much about it, my sister was the first to say that she thinks she has it and we all have it a little bit. My older brother (who has adhd) and I, both know that my sister has the impulsive, hyperactive type. My brother and I have talked about it. It's really not a big deal. I agree with you about the innapropriateness of that conversation with your mom. I can see that clearly, but it's got to be hard for you. It was a minor offense if it even was one. It's life. That's such a normal thing to happen in a family. You are a good thing to your sister. You care about her. You love her. You are concerned and want to help in the way you know you can. Your sister loves you. Your mom should appreciate what you have to offer, who you are, and trust that you and your sister have a good relationship. That's nothing but a good thing, no matter how your parent's decide to frame it. I really don't understand why your mom made you feel like you were hurting your sister. Come on. To me, it's really not that big of a deal and I don't see any need to feel pain or like you did anything at all wrong.

BR549
06-24-11, 07:31 PM
What do you mean when you say "Your mom may have already talked to your sister and told her side of the story?" I think you're suggesting her discussing our texting with my sister afterwards. Am I right? I guess it's possible. I hadn't considered that.

You mean call her and tell her about the conversation I had with my mom and explain that I'm sorry for hurting her feelings? Gosh, I don't know if I could do that. If that's what you mean, I may need to consider it.

Yes, my mom would probably be ticked off and that's my worry. I worry about her reaction. My mom needs to be in control of what's said about her.

Well, I guess I may be equating your situation to my own experiences without really stopping to realize they aren't EXACTLY the same. I don't mean to do that! Your mom may not be anything like my mom. My mom usually will call my sibling and give an account of what was said. Which usually makes someone look bad or look like they said something that was worse that it really was. Or exaggerates how someone feels. Who ever she calls comes away feeling really sh***y. Usually over something insignificant. I think my mom does it to be in control and to show that she can still manipulate me and my siblings. Your mom may not do that. I didn't want to offend you by saying that was what she was going to do or had done. I just meant it's a possibility that she's talked to your sister and told her about your conversations.

I did mean either call or text your sister. It was the hardest thing to do the first few times I did it after something like this happened. I usually just started out with something like "I feel I owe you an apology" or "I didn't mean to upset you" and then go from there. We either resolved the issue or found out that the other wasn't upset at all, but that mom was the one upset and orchestrating the whole upheaval. If you don't feel that you can do that, I totally understand.

I can say this about your mom getting mad. She will have to get glad in the same pants she got mad. :) Seriously, I know it's not as easy as that. But the older I get, the more therapy I go through, I'm discovering that while I love my mom, I can't let how she reacts or feels affect me. It's REALLY hard. Sometimes she gets the best of me. But I know that if I allow her to repeatedly or deliberately upset me I'm taking steps backwards instead of forward.

I'm definitely not telling you to ignore your mom or her feelings. I don't know your whole situation/relationship with your mom. You have to respond and deal with her the best, healthiest way you for you. I am saying that you have worked really hard to get stronger and where you are emotionally today. I am hoping that you keep that in mind when you are faced with her being upset over something she can't control. Like what might be said about her. :)

I know you are in a tough place. I wish things were always simple.

Kaimei
06-24-11, 07:52 PM
My mother will do this between my brother and I too, for some reason. She's got...her own psych issues to deal with, but I'm pretty sure I know where I got the genetics for the ADHD.

My brother and I figured out pretty quickly that the best thing to do was just to call each other and talk it out between ourselves - most of the time, there really wasn't anything wrong. My mother tends to exaggerate things, and she seems to think that guilt trips are an effective method of communication.

I don't think you did wrong, but your sister might be upset. It's a hard thing to deal with - not just knowing that your sibling has some kind of problem, but accepting that you might have it, too. Depression was the skeleton in the closet between my brother and I for a long time. Both of us suffer from it, and both of us have gone though suicidal periods. Yet we never spoke about it - not directly. Not until I actually attempted suicide - which pretty much blew the whole thing up in our faces.

After that, I was absolutely determined to bring it out in the open with my brother. I knew he'd had a few nights when he'd stuck the barrel of his gun in his mouth, and I wasn't going to tiptoe around the subject anymore. Not when I knew that being able to open up and talk about depression was part of the solution.

He hated that conversation. I didn't like it, either. And even though he knew what I'd done, it hurt him further to hear me actually say it, and to tell him I knew what he'd gone through, too.

Granted, this is probably a little bit more extreme than your situation, but if we'd never talked about it, we might both have continued to struggle along and suffer alone.

Talking to your sister will probably be the best solution. If she is struggling with ADHD on her own, just knowing that someone understands exactly how d**n hard it is can help. Knowing that she has someone she can talk to without fear of being called lazy, or incompetent, whatever - that's a relief, for most people. It may even get her going on the path to getting help.

anonymouslyadd
06-25-11, 02:58 AM
Something to keep in mind also, is that when you begin to learn about the different disorders, like ADD, NPD, BPD, etc, you start to SEE it everywhere.
While it is ok to maybe point out a "suggestion" that something may be going on and MAYBE they should go talk to a Dr about it, I usually stop short of suggesting to anyone that they, or someone they know/love might have some variety of mental "disorder", it's just dangerous ground to tread and often no good can come from it besides offending or upsetting someone. Just my .02.

I am very forthcoming sometimes, but I know I'm not forcefull either. I know what you mean about SEEing things everywhere, but I have a knack for this ADD thing, I believe. I told my mom my little brother had it and a couple years later he got diagnosed and takes Adderall as needed.

Given the sensitivity of mental disorders, I see your point in regards to suggesting, even though I'm not sure I agree.

anonymouslyadd
06-25-11, 03:04 AM
Don't wait for an issue to resolve itself. They never do, at least not in a good way.

I need to work on this.


Nothing wrong with calling your sister and saying "Mom said you were really angry about me suggesting you might have problems related to ADD, and I just wanted to call and apologize if I said anything that hurt you. I honestly didn't mean to, and I'm sorry if I did." At that point, you've given her the option of assuring you she wasn't upset at all, or accepting your apology and opening up a conversation.


I actually might use your quote in my phone call to my sister.:o I'm leaning towards contacting her, and I can already feel those weird ADD feelings creeping up my chest into my throat.


My youngest sister and I have had many a laugh telling each other what Mom said to one of us about the other, since we opened up the conversation about how it happened. From then on, if we hear something from Mom, we always call to pass the information on and get the facts from each other. It makes it a lot easier to not get irritated or upset about things she tells us, and brought us a lot closer.

This would be very interesting if my sister and I would engage in conversation as you and yours. I'm not sure she's at the point where she is fully aware of the devastation my mom can bring into a relationship.

anonymouslyadd
06-25-11, 03:49 AM
No, you weren't wrong. It's not a big deal. Your sister means a lot to you. If you are really close with someone and you have been studying add like you have, it is normal to not want to keep it from her and to confide in her or try to help her if she is in need.

I wish my mom had this take. I told my mom through text that I didn't feel like she got the personal I am. This was kind of old stuff surfacing in these times, but it's true.

My sister seems like she is ok when we hang. However, when we are together as we were recently at a work situation, I could see her getting stressed out and all I was thinking was how bad I felt for her and didn't want to see her that way.:( I didn't want to see her like I was several years back like an engine that wouldn't stop reving. I was so alone and had a wife, who didn't understand me contributing to my confusion and frustration.


Your sister knows that you read a lot about adhd and are working hard to treat yours. She is also probably self aware, and it may have occured to her that she might be, anyway. When I started researching so much about it, my sister was the first to say that she thinks she has it and we all have it a little bit. My older brother (who has adhd) and I, both know that my sister has the impulsive, hyperactive type. My brother and I have talked about it. It's really not a big deal.

I know I'm not an expert, but I do know a lot about the disorder. I just don't want people to suffer unnecessarily, and I think it starts with knowledge. I'm really not ashamed for what I did.

The fact that my sister might be hurt would fit what my mom said would have been my little brother's reaction had he found out he had ADD (which he did get tested for last summer and was diagnosed). My mom said that he would be devastated. So, maybe this would be how my sister might feel if she found out about having the disorder.:confused:

My mom did say through the text exchang that people in school had said she was anorexic, which could be an injury for her. Gosh, thank *** I don't see my old therapist. She would have had me continue conversing with my mom.


I agree with you about the innapropriateness of that conversation with your mom. I can see that clearly, but it's got to be hard for you. It was a minor offense if it even was one. It's life. That's such a normal thing to happen in a family. You are a good thing to your sister. You care about her. You love her. You are concerned and want to help in the way you know you can. Your sister loves you.

Thanks for your compassion. It really means a lot to me. When I'm attacked, I often feel like I am the one who is wrong. What you deem as minor offenses Alliee are unfortunately made into big deals with my mom.:( This is why I'm mindful of the time I spend with her. My brother hasn't willingly spoken to her in years. I moved out when I was 16.


Your mom should appreciate what you have to offer, who you are, and trust that you and your sister have a good relationship. That's nothing but a good thing, no matter how your parent's decide to frame it. I really don't understand why your mom made you feel like you were hurting your sister. Come on. To me, it's really not that big of a deal and I don't see any need to feel pain or like you did anything at all wrong.

This is not unknown territory for my mom. She's very reactive and struggles with boundaries. I don't think she was taught about boundaries when she was a kid.

Thank you for your support.:) I wish I had the type of support like this and on this thread when I was younger. My life would have been much more enjoyable.

I'm grateful to everyone on here.

anonymouslyadd
06-25-11, 04:26 AM
Well, I guess I may be equating your situation to my own experiences without really stopping to realize they aren't EXACTLY the same. I don't mean to do that! Your mom may not be anything like my mom. My mom usually will call my sibling and give an account of what was said. Which usually makes someone look bad or look like they said something that was worse that it really was. Or exaggerates how someone feels. Who ever she calls comes away feeling really sh***y. Usually over something insignificant. I think my mom does it to be in control and to show that she can still manipulate me and my siblings. Your mom may not do that. I didn't want to offend you by saying that was what she was going to do or had done. I just meant it's a possibility that she's talked to your sister and told her about your conversations.


Oh, I know you're trying to help. I just wanted clarification. I hadn't considered it, but with her struggles with boundaries, it's certainly possible.


I did mean either call or text your sister. It was the hardest thing to do the first few times I did it after something like this happened. I usually just started out with something like "I feel I owe you an apology" or "I didn't mean to upset you" and then go from there. We either resolved the issue or found out that the other wasn't upset at all, but that mom was the one upset and orchestrating the whole upheaval. If you don't feel that you can do that, I totally understand.

This seems to be the consensus. *sigh* I'm going to do it.


I can say this about your mom getting mad. She will have to get glad in the same pants she got mad. :) Seriously, I know it's not as easy as that. But the older I get, the more therapy I go through, I'm discovering that while I love my mom, I can't let how she reacts or feels affect me. It's REALLY hard. Sometimes she gets the best of me. But I know that if I allow her to repeatedly or deliberately upset me I'm taking steps backwards instead of forward.

Ha ha. I wish that logic held for my mom. My stepdad enables her to behave a certain way, which can sometimes get fairly childish. She gets miserable and inadvertantly brings everyone down with her.

Yea, I was seriously getting down after that exchange, but with the support on here and my notecards, I was pleasantly surprised at how I was able to maintain a decent mood.


I'm definitely not telling you to ignore your mom or her feelings. I don't know your whole situation/relationship with your mom. You have to respond and deal with her the best, healthiest way you for you. I am saying that you have worked really hard to get stronger and where you are emotionally today. I am hoping that you keep that in mind when you are faced with her being upset over something she can't control. Like what might be said about her. :)


Thank you.


I know you are in a tough place. I wish things were always simple.

Thanks for the acknowledgment. Me too.

danelady
06-25-11, 01:33 PM
You are a very,very caring person,Anon,I see it in all your posts. I hope your sister and your mom and stepdad can realize this too,even though I know that sometimes those closest to us don't see us like outsiders do.

I wish you all the best in this.

anonymouslyadd
06-26-11, 01:55 AM
You are a very,very caring person,Anon,I see it in all your posts. I hope your sister and your mom and stepdad can realize this too,even though I know that sometimes those closest to us don't see us like outsiders do.

I wish you all the best in this.

Thank you danelady. I don't know what they think about me, and I struggle with this. I can't give my mom too much of me. She can be very kind and like a mom, but she holds grudges and that's why I don't spend much time with her. She gives me more mixed messages than a politician in a crisis situation.

I'm going to have to set a date and time to do this, because I won't do it otherwise. I'm going to dread it.:(

anonymouslyadd
07-28-11, 11:55 PM
Well, I've made contact with my sister to discuss this matter. Now, we will probably play tag back and forth until the right time coincides for both of us to speak. I'm dreading the conversation, but I have a sense of needing to get it done. I'm afraid, and I wonder about her response. These types of conversations have always brought great trepidation to my heart. I can't wait till it's over.

tired1823
07-29-11, 12:02 AM
My brother just talked to me about something that he "felt like he wouldn't have been a good brother if he didn't". We went out to dinner. I was really grateful for it even though it was awkward for sure. It wasn't anything major, he's in medschool and it was about adhd treatment, but anyway, it was nice to know that he cared and was there for me since he's also educated about my situation. anyway.. I admire you for what you're doing. Let me know if you need some help talking to a girl in her 20s ;)

anonymouslyadd
07-29-11, 12:55 AM
My brother just talked to me about something that he "felt like he wouldn't have been a good brother if he didn't". We went out to dinner. I was really grateful for it even though it was awkward for sure. It wasn't anything major, he's in medschool and it was about adhd treatment, but anyway, it was nice to know that he cared and was there for me since he's also educated about my situation. anyway.. I admire you for what you're doing. Let me know if you need some help talking to a girl in her 20s ;)

He sounds like a really cool brother. I hope my sister feels a little bit how you seem to feel about your brother. I think she respects and loves me. Our parents tend to get in the way of our growth. In time, things will become more enriching.

I will only take help from blondes with green eyes in their 20's. Sorry if that's not you.

tired1823
07-29-11, 01:03 AM
THAT'S ME! that's me... you're in luck...

anonymouslyadd
07-29-11, 01:08 AM
THAT'S ME! that's me... you're in luck...

How do I know that's true? Don't you know everyone's cooler online?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UE6iAjEv9dQ

tired1823
07-29-11, 01:52 AM
hahaha, I didn't know brad paisley made a video about that!

Kirby Albee
07-29-11, 04:24 AM
Only remember that there's nothing shameful about having ADHD.

Impetus
07-30-11, 09:03 AM
oh good gravy, your mother sounds like a pot stirrer! does she only half listen too?

the convo with your sister will probably be fine. I've found those convo's usually do.

anonymouslyadd
07-30-11, 09:19 AM
oh good gravy, your mother sounds like a pot stirrer! does she only half listen too?

the convo with your sister will probably be fine. I've found those convo's usually do.

*sighs*. I was driving during the time I was supposed to have called her yesterday. She did call me, but I didn't hear the phone ring. Another day...


Oh my mom is trouble. Whether she realizes it or not, she can't come in between my sister and I. She really needed to tell my sister to come to me with the complaint.

My mom isn't the best listener in the world either.

Thanks.

sarahsweets
07-31-11, 08:49 AM
Anonymously: you were NOT wrong. A lot of times I find when someone gets ticked and upset over an issue there is usually a ring of truth in what you said.

gypsysway
07-31-11, 09:25 AM
I texted my mom (we do not have the best relationship) this morning about how my sister was feeling.

You really didn't get into why you and your mom don't have the best relationship, or the kind of relationship she has with your sister. Some mom's take offense personally when you start telling them their perfect little babies have a mental condition.

I think you are a very caring brother and are wanting to do the right thing. I fully agree that life is to short not to tell somebody how you feel whether good or bad, if you have good intentions. What the person does with the information is going to be up to them. The important thing is you did what you needed to do. Karma is a real thing, and you would feel bad if you didn't speak your mind and anything happens that could had been avoided by what you had to say, and you never said it.

I have always felt like everything happens for a reason, everyone comes into your life for a reason. Something said by a total stranger can change ones life at times. Good luck...:)

Impetus
07-31-11, 09:43 AM
Anonymously: you were NOT wrong. A lot of times I find when someone gets ticked and upset over an issue there is usually a ring of truth in what you said.

BINGO

and as my therapist says, "with a lot of people, it isn't what you say so much as how you say it."

here's the thing, you might have expressed yourself just fine. your sister could have been fine with it as well. This could all be your mom.

did I already say I thought she sounded like she was pot stirring??

mine will do that too. if anyone is in contact with her.

anonymouslyadd
07-31-11, 09:02 PM
Anonymously: you were NOT wrong. A lot of times I find when someone gets ticked and upset over an issue there is usually a ring of truth in what you said.

Thank you. My mom raised us to be sensitive about EVERYTHING. I wouldn't be surprised if she took it personal. Although, a friend of mine, whom I think has ADD, told me she might respond at first in a similar fashion.

anonymouslyadd
07-31-11, 09:09 PM
You really didn't get into why you and your mom don't have the best relationship, or the kind of relationship she has with your sister. Some mom's take offense personally when you start telling them their perfect little babies have a mental condition.

How much time do you have?:p My mom and I have been estranged for many years. There have been BRIEF moments of mutual love and affection shown toward each other. She has ruined any type of connection though. She continually brings up the past, her hatred of my dad, and her disappointment with me not "supporting" her (she views support in this instance as me taking her side in terms of what has gone wrong with my dad-whatever).

I would say she's probably closer to my sister. My sister never moved out and has lived there beyond college. Although, the dysfunction runs rampant. I was the black sheep. I moved out.


I think you are a very caring brother and are wanting to do the right thing. I fully agree that life is to short not to tell somebody how you feel whether good or bad, if you have good intentions. What the person does with the information is going to be up to them. The important thing is you did what you needed to do. Karma is a real thing, and you would feel bad if you didn't speak your mind and anything happens that could had been avoided by what you had to say, and you never said it.

True. Thank you. That's the point that's hard for me to remember. Above all things, I thought I was doing the best for someone I loved.



I have always felt like everything happens for a reason, everyone comes into your life for a reason. Something said by a total stranger can change ones life at times. Good luck...:)

A woman said this to me yesterday. I think I believe it.

anonymouslyadd
07-31-11, 09:12 PM
did I already say I thought she sounded like she was pot stirring??

What do you mean? Are you saying that she could have deliberately said something to get a reaction/response? I've always struggling with people when they have bad intentions. She's unmedicated ADD so I guess that's possible.:D Don't tell her I said she has ADD though.:p

Impetus
08-01-11, 06:52 AM
What do you mean? Are you saying that she could have deliberately said something to get a reaction/response? I've always struggling with people when they have bad intentions. She's unmedicated ADD so I guess that's possible.:D Don't tell her I said she has ADD though.:p

not deliberate DELIBERATE. More of a self defeating kind of deliberate. She probably took on unnecessary painful feelings that weren't really there. Twisted it up in her own head, add a splash of 7 Up, and viola! Drama!

anonymouslyadd
08-01-11, 08:25 AM
not deliberate DELIBERATE. More of a self defeating kind of deliberate. She probably took on unnecessary painful feelings that weren't really there. Twisted it up in her own head, add a splash of 7 Up, and viola! Drama!

I could see this.

anonymouslyadd
08-31-11, 10:36 PM
I can't even get a hold of my sister to even talk to her!!!!!!!!!! It's ****ing me the f*** off.:mad::mad:

Impetus
09-01-11, 02:49 AM
I can't even get a hold of my sister to even talk to her!!!!!!!!!! It's ****ing me the f*** off.:mad::mad:

send her a text asking how she would feel about being an aunt.

Then when she calls listen to her feelings.... and mention having a hard time getting her attention. :D

Impetus
09-01-11, 02:50 AM
If nothing else, I am extremely adept at getting someone's attention. :p

anonymouslyadd
09-01-11, 03:55 PM
If nothing else, I am extremely adept at getting someone's attention. :p

I just want to tell I'm sorry that what I said hurt her feelings. I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

anonymouslyadd
10-13-11, 08:35 PM
I spoke with my sister via text. *sigh* She told me she couldn't talk tonight, because she wouldn't be home until 11. I told her I could call her then. She said she would be too tired to talk. She suggested next week.

This is crazy. I wish I would have spoken to her earlier.

BR549
10-13-11, 08:48 PM
Ha ha. I think this is supposed to be me. I think there might be a software bug or something going on. How am I BR?

Anyway, I just sent that text practically verbatim. Thank you.

What the heck??? I didn't type this....Anon, are you me? Well for heavens sake, don't change clothes! :p

Glitch is right. :confused:

tired1823
10-13-11, 08:52 PM
My older brother would do that to me. I appreciated it and it let's me know he cares.I hardly talk to him bc he's so busy with medschool/ residency these past 6 years. He does drop in with something like that every once in a while.

anonymouslyadd
10-13-11, 08:56 PM
Ha ha. I think this is supposed to be me. I think there might be a software bug or something going on. How am I BR?

Anyway, I just sent that text practically verbatim. Thank you.

Oh shoot. Something totally weird just happened here. I just edited BR's post.:o I don't know what happened.:confused:

BR549
10-13-11, 08:59 PM
Oh shoot. Something totally weird just happened here. I just edited BR's post.:o I don't know what happened.:confused:

I just quoted that post and it edited it. :confused:

I'm glad it wasn't a case of 'Being John Malkovich' :roll eyes: That could have been embarrassing. :o lol

anonymouslyadd
10-13-11, 09:17 PM
Ha ha. I think this is supposed to be me. I think there might be a software bug or something going on. How am I BR?

Anyway, I just sent that text practically verbatim. Thank you.

What the heck??? I didn't type this....Anon, are you me? Well for heavens sake, don't change clothes! :p

Glitch is right. :confused:

LOL. There's a glitch in the Forums.:)

tired1823
10-13-11, 09:22 PM
Yes, speaking of glitches, a few days ago there were all kinds of asterisks in pms and vms. Guess theyve been happening lately

anonymouslyadd
10-18-11, 09:34 AM
I finally spoke to my sister on the phone. She said that she did say something to my mom, but she had had a long few days. She wasn't upset with me She said it brought on introspection. She said if it was really bad she would have called me.

I was so nervous when I talked to her. I'm proud of myself that I did it.

Reflecting on the past few months, my mom never should have said something to me. I was worried about it all this time. I couldn't get a hold of my sister. One lesson I learned is to always think the best about people, including my sister.

LynneC
10-18-11, 11:26 AM
I was so nervous when I talked to her. I'm proud of myself that I did it.

One lesson I learned is to always think the best about people, including my sister.
You must be feeling like a big weight is off your shoulders.

I agree with the thought that you should think the best about people; or at the very least, don't think the worst. :)

I am one who tends to create scenarios in my mind around conversations that I've had with people, and I invariably end up second guessing and overanalyzing their responses. It's not beneficial in the least to do it, and I am making a concerted effort to just take things at face value.