View Full Version : Is it better to be with an understanding significant other?


Twinkies!!
07-06-11, 08:14 PM
My wife is as type-A as it gets so she gets mad at me ALL the time (ie being late and/or forgetful all the time). She just doesn't buy any excuses. In fact, she gets even more mad when I try to explain that it's just the way my brain is wired.

I get mad at her getting mad at me because in my head, if I were in her shoes, I would be completely understanding and let things slide. I see other relationships that are really laid back and I think to myself that I wish I had something like that. But then I try to see the positive side out of it and I wonder if it is actually better for me to get this kind of discipline since it should teach me some self-control.

Is it a blessing in disguise and I'm not appreciating it or is it better to have an understanding sig. other? Thoughts?

salleh
07-06-11, 08:22 PM
er.......she's not your mother ......she's your wife......it's not her job to discipline you .....there are helpful things a mate can do ....but parenting in an exasperated or angry way ....ain't one of them .......


......since I ended up with someone like that, ( long since divorced,) I don't know what it's like to have someone who is supportive ......but I do know if she continues to belittle you, and get angry about something that you're trying to control, but maybe not always successful .......you will quite possibly suffer from self-esteem issues......serious ones


How long have you been married, and did she know you had ADD when you got married?

and why isn't she supportive instead of critical? .......doesn't she care that you are the one suffering from this disorder, and she only makes it worse by picking on you ?


has she made any effort to find out about your ADD and to understand it ?


and is she perfect in every way ? ......does she ever admit to making a mistake ?

ginniebean
07-06-11, 11:09 PM
There's a difference between being symptomatic and doing something wrong.

Would you accept 'discipline' for a flu symptom?

anonymouslyadd
07-07-11, 01:51 AM
Is it a blessing in disguise and I'm not appreciating it or is it better to have an understanding sig. other? Thoughts?

I'm afraid to say this is not a blessing in disguise. We need very understanding people in our lives.

sarek
07-07-11, 01:55 AM
There's a difference between being symptomatic and doing something wrong.

Would you accept 'discipline' for a flu symptom?

Yes that is true and we all know it, but try telling that to people who are like this. Its the kind of analogy I keep using myself but the message never gets across the chasm of ignorance.

sarek
07-07-11, 02:00 AM
be assertive and take charge and tell her to get off your *** because youre only human, and humans make mistakes. you cant help the way you are, if she tries to get madder by you saying these things, send her to time-out, and you can interpret time-out however you see fit (literal interpretation, call her out on her follies, humiliate her, make a big mess for her to clean, ***edited by moderator***..., raise your voice, threaten to go to an 'understanding' woman, etc.)


What you are suggesting to do in my book would qualify as abuse.

80S FAN
07-07-11, 02:20 AM
be assertive and take charge and tell her to get off your *** because youre only human, and humans make mistakes. you cant help the way you are, if she tries to get madder by you saying these things, send her to time-out, and you can interpret time-out however you see fit (literal interpretation, call her out on her follies, humiliate her, make a big mess for her to clean, violently do bad things to her..., raise your voice, threaten to go to an 'understanding' woman, etc.)

after I read your message, thought you were married for 25 years lol.

then seen your bio, young guy, and he gets it! (no violence though) my lady would do a piledriver on me lol.

looks like you been reading your NLP and Seduction books and know how to treat a lady , bad boys get respect while good guys get divorced and pay
alimony to help pay for ex wifes new badboy boyfriends motorcycle.

p.s. the jenna jameson pic made me jeolous lucky kid.

anonymouslyadd
07-07-11, 02:28 AM
after I read your message, thought you were married for 25 years lol.

LOL. He's wise beyond his years.

80S FAN
07-07-11, 02:41 AM
What you are suggesting to do in my book would qualify as abuse.

Sarek, I agree no violence, but what she is doing is mental abuse ,more worse than a hit or slap, cause it stays with you forever.

I know your a sci fi fan with mark lenards characters name of Sarek.

I used to be a fellow trek fan back in the day too.

Ever watch the Twilight Zone episode, "All the time in the World"
with Burgess Meredith where the guys wife screams and makes fun of him
mocking him all day. and all he wants to do is read his book and study.
he tries to talk to his wife about his intrests and she shuts him out
of discussion and embarrasses him.

there are wives out there like that. and taking assertion and becoming a dominant alpha male can turn things around at times .

(just a little dominant ,not a lot)

Respect to you Sarek

pedalpounder
07-07-11, 03:30 AM
Twinkies,

the best thing you could do is to somehow lead your wife to immerse herself in the world of ADHD information. The biggest hurdle to surmount is usually how to break down that person's platform on which their social perceptions are built upon: the belief that behavior is learned (nurture, not nature). Once they are sufficiently led to evidence that you just 'are' like that and did not 'become' like that, it becomes a lot easier for them to turn anger into acceptance. That said, they need constant reminders that you're that way.

Just remember... it's not your fault. Corny? Maybe. but true. You need to make her believe that. I don't know how.

My first wife was like that, and I ultimately left her. I regret that. My 2nd wife accepted me for who I was, but she got lazy about it and started to misinterpret behaviors as something it wasn't. She left me very suddenly and without warning. So, I'm not saying it'll work, but you gotta try. Seriously. Do anything before divorce.

gerwin
07-07-11, 04:32 AM
In my marriage my wife was very controlling and on top of things. we'd need half a sentence to know what to do/say and so on. she did understand that i had "special needs" and guided me in this life to a point that i was not knowing she'd be doing just that.
It was too tough on her and she seeked help, quit and peace in the arms and sheets of another man.
so.... that marriage ended.
now i'm with a girl who doesn't know what to do, is scared by my moodswings (never hurted a woman in my life, but still) is awaiting and is not receptive of my communication about the ADHD.
so yeah, i feel your pain.
I need to be happy with myself, and not let others have such a big impact on me.
If they want to be with me... great, if not... stop complaining and leave.
all this negative vibe at home is never good for anything. it would make me more depressed.
what you need to do is find some kind of translator between you and the wifey. talk it out, after that you both can make a choice about the future.

80S FAN
07-07-11, 04:49 AM
she seeked help, quit and peace in the arms and sheets of another man.
so.... that marriage ended.

Man this is trippy, same s$%^ happened to me

respect to all of you guys who survived that crap ,

this forum is getting weird, too many simularities, its like we are all
brothers and sisters in a strange sci fi movie.

gerwin
07-07-11, 04:58 AM
Man this is trippy, same s$%^ happened to me

respect to all of you guys who survived that crap ,

this forum is getting weird, too many simularities, its like we are all
brothers and sisters in a strange sci fi movie.


Yah i know, sometimes a little too close for comfort.
about surviving that crap....
It's the story of my life bud.

dsvlil1
07-07-11, 08:36 AM
She just doesn't buy any excuses. In fact, she gets even more mad when I try to explain that it's just the way my brain is wired.
She doesn't buy excuses, but does she know how to recognise a reason when she's faced with one?

sarahsweets
07-07-11, 09:09 AM
Don't listen to conman that's a recipe for disaster. Abuse from either party never works. You can only change you and I'm not saying its an excuse but all of us adhd's are capable of behavior modifications. Maybe shes jealous of the changes you will make? Just try. I always say kill em with kindness eventually it seeps through.

tudorose
07-07-11, 09:35 AM
I think when you're married sometimes you have to draw your partners attention to things when they're getting out of control but you also need to support them through it too.

This goes for both partners - the ADHD one AND the non-ADHD one.

If your wife was say drinking too much wine and you were worried you'd have to say something but then you'd support her to stop right?

Same goes the other way around too. If you're going to pull someone up ADHD or not you have to back it up with support or the one being pulled up will always feel like they're under attack.

Luvmybully
07-07-11, 01:19 PM
Is it a blessing in disguise and I'm not appreciating it or is it better to have an understanding sig. other? Thoughts?


This is something only you can decide for yourself. If you are unsure wether or not you want to be treated this way, then you can't expect your wife to know either.

From what you said, though, it sounds like you do NOT want to be treated like this. I know I would not and I don't know many who would be able to deal with it on a daily basis, long term.

Your wife needs to have an understanding of how adhd impacts your life, so it is perfectly clear that it is not your CHOICE and not within your power to make it go away entirley.

I think a lot of people feel that once the problem is identified, there must be a relentless pursuit to 'cure' it. When the 'cure' doesn't happen, they refuse to acknowledge that it is because the problem is not curable-they STILL see it as a 'choice' the adhd sufferer is making to not cure themselves.

She needs to get over that. It is an unhealthy attitude. For both of you.

Conman
07-07-11, 05:47 PM
What you are suggesting to do in my book would qualify as abuse.

for the record, not ALL the things i said would constitute as abuse. although yes i do agree no violence, i jsut threw in various examples up to a person's interpretation of what time out means. but the wife in this case is causing mental stress, that's almost worse cuz that **** messes with your head. the mind is both a beautiful and a horrible thing.

booga booga

sarek
07-07-11, 05:56 PM
I can definitely agree with you on that part conman. I know how hard it is myself because I am surrounded by just such people every day. The WALL of not understanding is enough to drive one raging mad.

Conman
07-07-11, 06:20 PM
the agonizing thing is i think it did drive me mad at one point. but my defense mechanism kicked in, and i became of parody of it all

Princess Moon
07-09-11, 08:44 PM
My boyfriend has ADHD and he is so understanding of all my flaws and totally gets me. I am messy, disorganized, immature, irresponsible, late, ditzy, naive and my boyfriend loves me anyway. My boyfriend also has ADHD so he understands. My boyfriend is so loving and understands my ADHD. My boyfriend also has ADHD.