Well, I'm looking back at the wreckage of another relationship. The relationship failed for unrelated reasons (we're both afraid of intimacy, she has kids and that's a huge strain, I'm very jealous and insecure, and working on that...) But I did learn one huge thing out of this relationship:

I will never date a non ADD woman! That spark of playfulness, that creativity, that love of totally off-the-wall, random, bizarre humor; THAT'S what I miss. I understand now. I've conditioned myself to think that somehow I'm broken or different; that I need to learn to "think like them." Pshaw!

What I NEED is a mate who's just as random and disorganized and crazy as I am. Yes, there are drawbacks to ADD (need I even say this?) But the payoffs, in terms of creativity, intelligence, playfulness, and just plain UNIQUENESS -- are huge.

The next time I go out on a date with a "linear thinker" I will (after thanking her and telling her it's not going to work) run, not walk, in the other direction. I'm just not like that and I need a mate who thinks in the same wacky, pinball manner that I do.

-- Tom

Tom -- I enjoyed reading your post very much....:) Your ADD brand of sense of humor is great...and I agree.....I have a new friend and he is ADD....my first friend who is ADD actually.....and we get along great.....um, I guess because he understands me?? Period...He gets it....and either you get it or you don't. Yes, another ADD person will understand your quirks, idiosyncracies, reasons for wanting them to "go away" for a little while (knowing it's not about them), will understand why putting together a whole meal is tough....(and so will make reservations for dinner...or will JOIN in the fun...instead of making ME do it all). Perhaps an ADD person will tolerate jealousy a little more than a non-ADDer...or understand it....perhaps will make you feel more secure....

No we are not broken or different, nor do we need to learn to think like them......how boring.....they need to think like US...because our way IS more as you say, creative, playful and unique......not to mention spontaneous....YES spontaneous....and spontaneous is fun....to linear thinkers perhaps not so much so....

I would suggest finding a woman with ADD who is compatable with you intellectually, morally, religion wise, politically I guess.. and who has no kids....I wonder if they have any websites called addsingles.com:)

There was a website called ADDfriends.com (not to be confused with ADHDfriends.com).

It didn't last too long though

Bummer :( I really need that AD/HD dating service about now!

I love to be able to be "completely myself" around my mate :)

Tom -- Considering how many more women there are in your age range than men...and that you have a career and all...I'm sure there are TONS of women out there that would be compatible with you....tons of them...and that would love to go out with you...I mean one of the things that women think about nice men (such as yourself) is that they are boring....BUT YOUR ARE NOT BORING...you are nice PLUS funny and interesting.....and chances are there are tons of ladies with whom you could be "completely yourself" with....perhaps we can talk Andrew and Tara into starting an online add dating service...:)

LOL -- maybe I'll start one myself, being a computer programmer and all :)

Let's see, where did I leave my PHP/MySQL books...

Maybe I'll call it "ADDating" ;)

By the way, thanks for saying nice things about me. My self-esteem is finally starting to improve with age, but it's still nice to be reminded once in a while that I have a lot to offer.

I say go for it...

I say double go for it....!! and "ADDating" has a nice ring to it...! :)

Hey atomx, sounds great. I know this ADD girl would be interested in finding a nice ADD guy!

any particular kind of guy you have in mind??? besides ADD? Just curious.....What are you looking for Misclee in a guy?

Yeah, you need more than just ADD. There has to be attraction, reasonable similarity in age ranges, compatible emotional growth... the list is long. Hence the dating service; start with the prerequisite of AD(H)D, and go from there...

-- Tom

GREAT..so you're really serious about this ADDating thing Tom....I'm SO impressed...:)

Serious to an extent. I can't pay for it out of pocket, but running it for profit would be foolish -- any of the big dating sites (like Match.com) could absorb me in a second by just adding an "ADD" category.

*sigh*

are they (match.com) even aware of an ADD category?? I think having the ADD as a basis for membership would bring in lots of people....or perhaps "mental illness" in general? Anyway, whatever you decide.....

What's interesting is that most dating sites... most "personals ads" treat mental illness like leprosy. Most ads go out of their way to show how "normal" they are. I think that a site that admits, accepts, and celebrates that we are NOT normal would be wonderful.

-- Tom

Of course...I'm just tired of men who don't understand that the time to hang all over me is not while I'm trying to hook up the VCR, etc. Of course, there is so much....and I've met men who come close, but they always end up hurting because they see me as emotionally unavailable, when in fact, I am just feeling smothered. Once that happens, I guess I do become emotionally unavailable. I dunno.

Okay, here is my grocery list:

I would love to find someone who can hold my attention--someone unique. He would be very easy-going and non-judgemental. He would love music of all kinds, isn't needy, has a little of the devil in him, and is a genuinely good person. He isn't afraid to be a man. He has gratitude for life and knows better than to sweat the small stuff. He has a creative, deep mind; Thoughtful, respectful of others ideas and opinions; Understands that most things life are not black and white; can be naughty and nice:)

Also, I think chemistry is 90% of the battle. If it's not there, all of these other things won't really anyway.

I'm sure I have this all wrong, as it hasn't worked for me yet, so feel free to critique.

Eh, I'm everything except a bit needy *shrug*. I accept it, for now.

That's what would be the neat thing about something like this, it would encourage people to remember that we all have "baggage" and "issues" -- the question isn't whether someone has baggage, it's what are we prepared to put up with?

-- Tom

Good overview Misclee....you realize a lot of men may CLAIM to have those qualities....so in the end...chemistry will determine who want to have a "second date" with...and who not....Did you read the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and it's all small stuff"? Just that it's mentioned in your "personal ad".

What kind of job? (is medical field okay?) Can he have kids? Is married before okay? Do you have hobbies other than music?..(hey Misclee, you never know, your dream man may be closer than you think...i.e. reading this....)

It's always good (really, really good) to know, in detail, what sort of person you want to be with...

My "ADD awakening" was a huge step for me. I don't want normal! I don't want sane! Give me a gal with some issues, as long as she's willing to work on them, and work with me on mine, and COMMUNICATE (that's the key...)

-- Tom

Yes Tom a site that embraces that we are not normal would be great....which is why I thought your first post on this thread here....telling it like it was/is.....was so humerous, real and inviting...

Okay Tom....so when should we meet?

;)

Joan, my list is miles long......but the truth is, we've never met anyone like the ONE we're looking for, so we can't have too many limits, right? Maybe we couldn't even imagine what they would be like, and we are only limiting ourselves based on our previous experiences? I'm rambling, aren't I?

Let me introduce you two....Misclee this is Tom and Tom this is Misclee....you have to have a formal introduction....I have just taken that responsibity....:) :)

PS. Joan, I like your new signature:)

*grin*

Well, I'll make my "crazy people dating service" site and put up an ad and you can decide if I'm just TOO crazy or just crazy enough :)

I think that a huge part of self-esteem is realizing that you have faults and flaws and loving yourself in spite of them -- or perhaps because of them.

-- Tom

Misclee, nope, not rambling....just telling it like it is...and your RIGHT...must keep open mind......anyway, you have been introduced to Tom....

LOL, Joan, are you being a matchmaker? :)

One thing I miss about not having an extended family is not having any remote cousins who were trying to "hook me up" with their best friends (or whatever) -- and working in a heavily male-dominated industry really narrows down the pool, too!

You are so funny!

.....she says blushing, looking at the ground and kicking the dirt:)

Try being a nurse! Talk about narrow:)

see you two are perfect for each other.!!...matchmaker? who? me??
(she said blushing, looking at the ground, kicking dirt) :)

LOL -- howdy do misclee :)

I like long walks on the beach, romantic candlelit dinners, and... oh wait, that's that OTHER dating service format!

OK, I have ADD, intermittant depression, and self-esteem issues that I'm working on. I vary between being an ardent feminist and a diehard male-chauvanist pig. I like many kinds of music but tend to gravitate towards techno and dance music. I have a guinea pig named Rusty (and he's a SERIOUS heartbreaker). My car is hunter green and sparkly. I'm easily distracted by shiny objects and attractive female anatomy (see what I mean about the male-chauvanist pig thing?) I'm unashamed to admit that I'm a TOTAL geek, like some Star Trek, and am able to match colors. I'm probably a latent bisexual but I'm too homophobic to experiment. I'm an agnostic and that really seems to **** some people off.

Seeking long walks on the beach, romantic candlelit-- damn, there I go again!

*grin*

-- Tom

Perfect!

I am an ego maniac with often low self-esteem. I can be self-righteous, but it is usually because I am right! I have a cat, two rats and will soon have a dog. My car is silver and can be shiny when washed. Wonder Woman is my idol and I would be willing to wear the uniform for the right person:)

hmmmmmmmm..................

I look dashing (and slightly loony) as Batman! The Lasso of Truth scares me though -- I'd have to be completely honest? I mean like, what if you said "do you think I'm cute?" or something -- I'd have to tell the truth? I'm not sure I can handle that!

And of course the dealbreaker, http://www.geocities.com/prothe113/Pictures_of_me.html

They usually run screaming after that one! *wink*

-- Tom

Yes, my lasso has frightened many a poor soul away.....

You are a brave man to post your pictures! Courage is definitely a good thing:)

Maybe it's courage, maybe it's just getting too damned old to care anymore. Who knows! ;)

I don't know how many times I've said that myself:)

*grin*

I find the idea of just wanting to date an ADDer is quite foolish.
I mean no disrespect, but just because you have had failed relationships with non adders doesn't mean that you are destined to only find love with another adder.

Failing at anything in life is...life.
Whether it was your fault or your partners, just means that you weren't meant to be.

I think you will just be making it harder for yourself to find the right partner if you decide to only date an ADD woman.
This is just my opinion.

Whatever you decide, good luck. :)

Well, there is something to be said in finding someone similar to you. I don't think anyone is sincerely searching for ONLY another ADDer, but someone who understands and has many of the fun ADD traits. It's difficult starting from scratch no matter what, especially when there are so many quirky things about us to incorporate into a relationship. So, I think the idea of starting out on a more even field is what is attractive about another ADDer, but in reality, we all know that there would still be trial and error in any relationship.

You're right, we can't let the fear of failure stop us from going for things we really want. The worste that could happen is we end up stuck with ourselves, right? We aren't so bad:)

Hrmmm....I had a superhero costume once...but it peeled away with velcro ;)

As for the dating scene...I am all for finding the right person, with the right chemistry, irregardless of whether they have ADD or not. The only real downside (if you can call it that), is if you decide to have kids, they have a significantly higher chance of having ADD, if both parents have it.

If that's the case, perhaps its a good thing to have the Lasso of Truth around ;)

Ooh, that's true. I hadn't thought of that.....

Actually, I don't think wanting to date only ADD people is foolish at all.

Once you've identified a trait that's a "must have" in a mate, I don't think there's anything foolish in insisting upon that trait.

Of course, by "dating ADD people" I mean dating people who think in the random, pinball style that I do, that totally understand my habit of "tuning in" to the wrong or inappropriate things, that understand my incredible amusement at how strange and bizarre the human race is. But I've found that 90% of that -- maybe more -- is only really found in people who have either been diagnosed with AD(H)D or have obvious traits of it.

Big's got a point about the kids, but I really am thinking of AD(H)D less and less as a disability these days. Sure, the kids would need some extra attention, sure they might struggle a bit more in public schools, but knowing that they probably had AD(H)D before they were even born would be a huge benefit -- no wondering "what's wrong with my kid? Johnny's so smart, why won't he behave?" Right off the bat we could get him evaluated and treated in one form or another.

No, the more I think about it, the more I think it's a good idea. I simply don't get along with non-ADD people. At least, not to the extent that I'd like to form a lifelong relationship with them.

And while you could claim that ANY limiting of your potential dating pool is "foolish," my response would be that you have to have some standards, some yardstick for measurement, or your dating experiences will be nothing but frustration and heartache. That's something I've learned -- a big part of finding the right person is knowing how to say "no" to the wrong people.

-- Tom

Originally posted by atomx

No, the more I think about it, the more I think it's a good idea. I simply don't get along with non-ADD people. At least, not to the extent that I'd like to form a lifelong relationship with them.

-- Tom

I find that a shame and odd, seems that you are prejudice against non-ADD people or am I interpretting this wrong.

If you don't get along with non-ADD people, you are obviously mixing with the wrong crowd of friends, all non-ADD people are not the same.

Please don't take my comments as criticisms, I just find your attitude difficult to understand, but in the end, everyone is entitled to live the way they want to.

Definitely some good points made here....food for thought....for me, I would date both, probably marry either....but the NON-add person would have to be totally understanding of my "stuff" as an ADD'er and be patient and tolerant. And perhaps even "enjoy" my idiosyncracies and think their special...as oppsed to just "tolerating" them... For me, this may not totally be about add or non-add but just compatibility period and willingness to compromise, communicate and understand where the other person is coming from. Sometimes I think no non-add man could possibly love me forever once he got a glimpse of some of my quirks. Again, if there is unconditional love, it may not matter if add or non-add. Yes, call me a romantic.

By the way, if there are any Jewish add people out there of either sex just looking for other Jewish ADD'ers to babble with (not romance) feel free to e-mail me....:) I would like to correspond with you:)

How bizarre! I'm not being discriminatory, I'm being choosy. Just like someone who is heterosexual is not discriminating by choosing only partners of the opposite sex, nor am I discriminating by choosing only ADD partners.

The reason I choose only ADD partners is that my experience has been this (I thought I'd said this several times, but I'll say it again): the most interesting, "non-linear" thinkers that I've ever met have all been AD(H)D. Every single one. Every single person that I've met that I thought -- wow, she thinks really groovy, about like me! -- was AD(H)D. As a result, I now know that that type of thinking is a requirement for me. Non-AD(H)D people tend to bore me to tears. I'm sure it's possible that there are non-boring non-AD(H)D people out there, but frankly, I've never met one. Now remember, I'm just talking about what I perceive as boring. To someone else, these same "boring" people might be fascinating. But I find the type of thinking that plods along from point A, to B, to C, to... boooooring! I feel like I spend all my time waiting for people to catch up, because I've skipped the next seven steps.

I don't know if I can put it any clearer. The only people that I've met who I've considered "interesting" enough that I'd want to date, have been AD(H)D. The "normal" population may indeed be very nice -- and intelligent, etc. -- but they just, well, bore me. Sorry! Some failed attempts at relationships have taught me that I don't do well in relationships with linear thinkers. They get frustrated and confused by me, and I get bored silly by them.

It's a personal preference for a particular way of thinking that I've only seen in one group -- and I don't think I need to defend it any further.

-- Tom

Ooh...linear thinkers...I like that. That really makes sense to me. Thanks Tom.

The good new is, we don't have to understand each other, we just have to try to respect each other......embrace what you need here and leave the rest for others to ponder:)

Yup :) That's about what I'm thinking. I know what I want and like and need, and if others can't understand that -- *shrug*... their problem, not mine :)

Oh man I'm gonna rate this thread as five stars!! Such good stuff.....by the way, I'm in similar boat with regard to religion....I will ONLY marry a Jewish man....dating....any religion...but marriage, Jewish only.....that's who I am and that's who I want to be with for life partner......so can understand your viewpoint Tom....I must commend you.......you know what you want....

Tom by the way, when you meet women again, are you going to say to them, "Hi I'm Tom...are you add???:)" How will you broach the subject when you meet them?

Well good luck, I think you'll need it :)

Nah, you know pretty quick if someone's ADD. It's not like I'm going to ask for a written diagnosis :) It's more like, there's a certain set of mental characteristics I'm looking for -- and they happen to be summed up nicely in the label "ADD." But I'll know within a date or so whether or not they'll be acceptable. In all actuality, this isn't like a big deal -- I'm going to only date people I get along with (news flash! stop the presses! he's only going to date people he likes!) It's just that now I have a nice tidy label to put that under, and I also have some preconceptions (that have so far turned out to be pretty true) about ADD people that will let me know from the start if we'll be compatible.

-- Tom

Very nice.

Yes, good answer Tom....thanks....:)

My pleasure.

My personal, pet belief, is that if you dig deep enough, EVERYONE has some form of diagnosable "mental illness" or disorder. I've never, ever, met a single person who didn't have some "issues." And all of those issues can be clinicalized (although the benefit of doing so is questionable).

That's why I like the idea of an abnormal dating service. It's not that we're damaged goods -- it's not a safe harbor for those with battered self-esteem. Rather, it's an acknowledgement that deep down, we're ALL weird, NOBODY is normal, and the sooner we all admit that to ourselves and to each other, the sooner we can go on with the more important business of learning to love one another.

We're not so different, deep down. We're all bizarre, weird, idiosyncratic creatures, and shrinks would/could have a field day in any of our minds. But that's what makes us unique and loveable. It's our "flaws" that make us who we are, not our "normalcies."

-- Tom (waxing philosophical, washing poetic)

FYI: This is my first time to "chat" with a person/person's that I know have ADD too.

I am so interested in your observation that someone with ADD is what is best for you! I have not, until recently, had the knowledge that I even had ADD. I knew that I was "different". I usually tried to explain to the new "linear" man in my life that I just could not function the way other people do. I can't think "that way" (having no idea what "way" that was supposed to be, only that I couldn't do it)
My husband and I deceided that we were "oil and water" and separated last December. The only reason we have not yet signed the divorce is because we have not been able to get along well enough to agree to the terms of the divorce. I am very amused by your use of the term "linear", because that is exactly what my neat freak, OCD, has to do everything exactly the same way every day ex said that he hated most about me.
I was the most "non-linear" person he had ever met.
It's the same story over and over in my personal life. I might as well just record a video tape of the roller coaster ride I went on
during my first relationship (or any other) and play it on my VCR every time I get a little lonely, watch it, and save myself the time and trouble.
I attract men who are "linear". I am "intellegent" so I can carry on a great conversation about all the things that that kind of person likes to talk about. I am happy all the time, despite my life being so disorganized. Basically, "order" is often attracted to the excitement of "chaos". Until they have to live with me. Oh yes, I am reasonably attactive, so I have no problem getting a boyfriend. Keeping one is altogether another story.
Why can't I put my things away where they think they should go? Why can't I remember the way "they" wan't me to do things? Why do I have to constantly have so many things going on at the same time? Why can't I just go somewhere and come right back? My favorite "inadequecy" was why can't I get up in the morning and do ANYTHING exactly the same way as I did the day before? Despite the fact that spontenaity, unpredictability and thinking "out of the box" were the very traits that the "linear" men in my life found so attractve in the first place, continuing to be this way thoughout the relationship was always more "chaos" than any of my boyfriends ever wanted to deal with long term. I guess they always thought that I could turn these "charming" attributes on or off, when needed. Perhaps they belived that one can be taught to "conform" if I only would just put forth a bit of effort, or if I loved them enough.
It never occured to me that that the problem was not me, per say. (All kinds of crazy heads can find love.) The problem was the choices I made. When considering who to love, I always just adapted to (or you could also call it settling for) the other persons differences from me. I figured that was part of the deal. Acceptance. You know, so what if Mr. "sanity" had to always order the same dish and go to the same restaurants and never wanted to try something new? I created my own entertainment (formally known to all ex-boyfreinds as "chaos"). I never expected my "mate" to entertain or even profoundly interest me. But now it all makes perfect scence. I need to consider that someone who does not have ADD only really likes ADD'isms some of the time. Someone else with ADD might actually like me this way. (Or at least be able to adapt). So, although I could never say that I wouldn't consider
dating a non ADD person (I simply can't stand to limit my options) I do think that you are sooooo on the right track to look at other people with ADD as desirable. Thanks for the cookie.

Mary

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the ADD Forums, and thank you for the post!

Mary, while I can totally agree with you, I am finding that I have to be careful how I use the word "linear" -- I'm trying to avoid just using it as a big dump bin for every trait I don't like. For instance, cruelty is something I loathe, but it's not inherently "linear" or "non-linear."

I also tend to eat always the same thing and go to the same restaurants with my (ex) gf. It's mostly due to comfort and the simple fact that once you find something you like, there's not a lot of impetus to change.

My "non-linearity" (and my (ex) gf's, too) is in the way I think... If you follow a linear person's thinking, you can see them plodding from step to step along every dot in the line. We ADD'ers tend to jump around a lot. It has its benefits (we're creative, unique, entertaining people) and its drawbacks (we don't tend to always do things efficiently and a lot of our energy is dissipated in the "churn").

Just more thoughts on the subject. And to echo Big -- welcome to the community. We're an oddball group :)

-- Tom

welcome Mary

interesting post

Yes, welcome Mary...and Tom who are you calling an "oddball"?:)

Joan -- you deny it?

If you're ADD and not oddball, I'll eat my nonexistant hat!

:)

No, she's an ADDball:)

Tom -- NOPE, don't deny it...:) So keep the non-existent hat on its hook...and right Misclee, I'm an ADDball....I LIKE THAT!!!

Tom,

I agree. I am not really sure what "linear" vs. "non-linear" meant to my ex, but he simply used it to describe why he was not happy with me. I can only assume "non-linear" encompassed a lot. Honestly, I am just trying to make sense out of why I always have such a difficult time with long term relationships. Your comment about dating someone else with ADD seems to have, well, oddball logic.

FYI: I find comfort in variety and I get bored of eating the same thing, no matter how much I may like it. I commented on it as an isolated example of how different I was from my ex. He also needed the towels to be folded only a certain way. If I did not do it "properly" he would have to fold them again. He would wake me up at 2 a.m. to tell me that the cap of the milk carton was not screwed on "all the way". When I was nine months pregnant he would get up in the middle of the night to make sure that I was not using too much toilet paper (I had to pee a lot that month).

Mary

Maybe he's not screwed in all the way? Did he count the squares on the TP?

Hey All,

I had a really bad break-up last summer and realized that I will probably look for someone with ADD next time. In the past, before last summer's fiasco, I dated a teacher who I figured would be a little more understanding (unfortunately she wasnt...and neither was I because I thought things were going well and her only excuse..."You're Too Sensitive"). Anyway, I know what all you people are talking about...you want someone with the same messed up emotional rollrecoaster as you're on...at least then the ride is a little more tolerbale when your brain isnt taking you for a "ride" because you hav someone like you to discuss it with...just my thoughts...

Actually to me it's more than just making the ride tolerable -- it's enjoyable. My (ex -- sigh) gf and I were in a restaurant and doing our ADD "tuning in to other people's conversations" thing, and making total fun of it.

All of a sudden, out of the blue, the loud-talking woman in the booth behind us said: "...slightly small artificial fires..."

Meghan and I both just lost it. What a bizarre and wonderful thing to say -- slightly small artificial fires (to this day we'll both bust up laughing if either of us says it in the right self-important tone of voice :) ) A non-ADD person would most likely just be scratching their head and wondering what was so darned funny. Heck, they would have thought we were just eavesdropping anyway, unless they had ADD and realized that you can't help but tune in to others' conversations in a place like that. It's not a choice...

So dating an ADD person didn't just make life bearable, it made it fun... No, it's not the end-all and be-all -- you still have to be compatible in other, arguably more important ways. But since I consider "fun" to be an important and necessary part of a romantic relationship, for me, being a "linear thinker" is a total non-starter.

-- Tom

Tom: You started this on May 26. That is a week ago. 65 posts later and over 400 views is A LOT....This thread has gotten a lot of mileage in a short period of time....You obviously have a big heart....and lots to offer....including a great sense of humor and fun...which is what you seek in someone else as well......it's clear you have some semblance of what you're looking for...so how about starting that not-for-profit ADDDating service in the near future?:)

But Joan, that would require not procrastinating. I AM ADD, you know :)

-- Tom

Tom: joan is my friend. did you call her an oddball earlier?:) thats cool! just wondering! yes procrastination is part of the job description of the add person, true.hey like your avatar.well good luck tom with finding the woman of your dreams.there are a ton of them out there you know.only a handful of good ones unfortuantely. but there are definitely a lot.my suggestion to you tom when you DO set up the dating service: GO OUT WITH A LOT OF ADD WOMEN: yes, meet a lot of them. now that you know what you want. meet a lot of them. just have fun.sooner or later youll find "ms. right". or im sorry youll find "ms right add".:)

I find men who are ADD are the only ones who can keep a conversation up with me. I especially love it when an add moment happens and he knows exactly what that means and you both laugh about it.

This has been a very interesting post I must say
Atomx I agree with 99 % of what your saying about looking for an ADD type person for the understanding part. My wife is as much of a "liniar thinker" as you can be but I wouldnt trade her for the world

She is my coach and lifeline to "what the world considers reality"


If I had to do it all again I also would look for a ADDer but myself I would have to say that it doesnt have to be an ADDer " just someone who accepts and deals properly with" "OUR VERSION OF REALITY"

uhhmmmm Mabee I would trade her for a short time but Id want her back.

HMMMMMM mabee she wouldnt want me BAck " mabee I should leave well enough alone"

I also seem to enjoy talking with ADD women and men ( but women are funner and better to look at )more than liniar men and women, as they understand ADD moments ( Donna does also just takes her a little longer to figure out when Ive switched tangents"

What's interesting is that most dating sites... most "personals ads" treat mental illness like leprosy. Most ads go out of their way to show how "normal" they are. I think that a site that admits, accepts, and celebrates that we are NOT normal would be wonderful.

Most ads go out of their way to show how "normal" they are.

Thats there perception of normal




We ADDers are the normal ones and the rest of the world is weird


Its just that there are more of them than there are of us

I see what php does what does it mean

I think the only fustrating thing about ADD when it comes to dating is how little of what I say is what I am thinking. I'm so confident and intelligent... in my head but does a potential date see that... nope.. I sound almost childish.

I also am now and always was very confident in myself and I also probably sound childish to a lot of people and that I figure is why they don't associate with me much, But I do know that the friends that I do have that are really friends accept me for me and are very open about telling me when I get off in left field. I am very fortunate to have a wife who accepts me for me and lets me run with some of my crazy ideas as a lot of them have really paid off. If your confident in yourself as you say you are consider yourself lucky as so many people are too afraid of life to try anything for fear of failing.

Keep looking and I'm sure you will find the correct person who lets you babble when you want but still accepts you for what and who you are

I once dated a guy who didn't "believe in" ADD. He was a very linear thinker and launched a full-scale effort to try to "fix" me.

Oh, it was horriffic. :mad:


I think we really have our work cut out when it comes to dealing with non-ADDers. However, I DO believe that we can do well with persons who tend to be naturally supportive; and perhaps people who work in the helping professions.

The only drawback here is when the person lacks patience and tends to be the "let's fix it NOW" type person. The person needs to have genuine compassion for your particular challenge, issue, disorder, problem, etc.

I've also dated guys who got to see some of my ADD moments and I was soooo embarrassed. They looked at me like, what in the world is wrong with you? :o It's a tough thing sometimes.

Hey all. I dont know if you read my other post, but I have a website in the works being programmed as we speak. Its going to be ADD DATING, a dating site for us.

Ill elt you know when its up and running!

I'm engaged to a non ADD person, and in some ways it's a good thing. I like having someone to keep me on track a bit, you know, someone who will remind you to pay the bills and feed the pets. I have never dated another ADDer. Sounds like fun, but I've never had a problem dating linear thinkers either. They seem to like my wacked out sense of humor and strang way of functioning. I think it's been an asset in relationships. Keep them interested!

Originally posted by atomx
I will never date a non ADD woman! That spark of playfulness, that creativity, that love of totally off-the-wall, random, bizarre humor; THAT'S what I miss. I understand now. I've conditioned myself to think that somehow I'm broken or different; that I need to learn to "think like them." Pshaw!

I am a non-ADD "linear thinker" and I'm playful, creative and love off-the-wall, bizarre humor. In fact, I'd say I'm more spontaneous than my friend with ADHD. While my mind doesn't jump around as quickly or as much as a person with ADD, not all us linear thinkers are slow-witted and boring! Some of us are wierd, wacky, and disorganized ... just for different reasons. Does it always have to be us vs. them?

Not at all flower girl! Keep in mind here that many of the folks posting have had some pretty bad experiences at the hands of a society that doesn't suffer non-conformists well.

An ADDer is viewed by most as a non-conformist (that's the word they use in polite company anyway) inspite of the fact that we probably work harder to conform than most. Work at it to the point of exhaustion many times, in fact, and still fail... In general we get very little credit, of any kind, for our efforts, punished or labled for our failures, and as always viewed as though we had some kind of real choice in the matter of how we think.

Some folks are just a bit angry Flower Girl and I very much doubt their generalizations are any more than that. Generalizations. I know a good many people without ADD who value my company and humor. Who make me laugh my kiester off, and are every bit as creative and unpredictable as I am. These are all still quintessentially human traits, not just ADD ones.

No, it doesn't always have to be anyone vs. anyone. That would be kind of silly. Ideally, everyone could be a bit more flexible peroid. That way we could settle down to the really important issues like whether there can be any justice in a world that has Superman beating the Incredible Hulk in a Marvel/D.C. comics crossover series. That was just wrong!

No, I'm not a comic collector, I found this little tidbit out from a friend who is and I've been steaming ever since. Hulk was my favorite comic book hero as a child.

Originally posted by FlowerGirl

I am a non-ADD "linear thinker" and I'm playful, creative and love off-the-wall, bizarre humor. In fact, I'd say I'm more spontaneous than my friend with ADHD. While my mind doesn't jump around as quickly or as much as a person with ADD, not all us linear thinkers are slow-witted and boring! Some of us are wierd, wacky, and disorganized ... just for different reasons. Does it always have to be us vs. them?

It's not about 'us vs. them'...it's more about recognizing, sharing, valuing and celebrating similar traits and qualities with another human being on an intimate level. Having ADD has given me an unconventional perspective in general and relationships with women who don't have ADD are based upon trying to understand these differences...lately I've been thinking that a really good relationship would be about sharing similarities together. I can think of nothing better than being able to share my quirks and differences with a woman who also has the same kind of quirks...what a wonderful thing!

My most recent relationship with a non-ADD woman was wonderful, but I found that a lot her time was spent thinking, "Oh, there goes Jeff again, on one of his ADD tangents...I better give him some space". I had adopted a different thought process along these lines..."Oh, there she goes again, on one of her rigid thought paths...I better give her time to understand my perspective". I have started to ask myself, do I really want the kind of relationship where I find myself having to accpet that we don't really understand each other? Wouldn't it be nice to be with a woman who smiles and laughs, knowing what I'm thinking, and can appreciate the qualities that have made me so unique becasue she too shares these ADD qualities?

So it's not so much about 'us vs. them'...it's more about finding someone that you can really connect with. I know that my next relationship will be with an ADD woman.

I think you can have a good relationship with a non ADD person. Of course mine is a work in progress and it has taken a lot of hard work by both of us. As you know we still have a ways to go. I think it is about finding somebody who accepts you for who you are. That is a hard thing for anyone to do. When you are in love you are blinded by some things that are not appealing about the person you are in love with. Also I think some people beleive they will change the things they do not like about the person. I think that can happen in any relationship wheather someone has ADD or not.

I think you could run into the same problems if you both have ADD too. Also if you are more inattentive and you meet someone who is more hyper there could be a conflict there. One thing great about this forum is everyone accepts and likes people for who they are. It is easier to open up on a computer than in personal relationships. I think it would be easy to think how great it would be to date someone on the board or someone with ADD because of how the forum works. We may be fooling ourselves some.

I hope I made sense. Please do not take this the wrong way. I love being here and consider this my home away from home. I just think relationships can be very complicated no matter what type of person we are with.

I agree that it is possible to have a 'good' relationship with a non ADD person, but what if you're looking for more than just 'good'? What if you're looking for great?

The relationship that I had with my non ADD girlfriend was just that...'good'. We had (or have...we still see each other) open communication and she accepted me for my short-comings and I accepted hers, but something's missing. Sure, I can go on setting aside my frustration and continue to learn to adjust and compromise to a difficult situation, but why should I when I can meet someone who is more in tune with my own thoughts and quirks? Nothing in life is perfect and I realize that there are always going to be differences of opinion and varying tastes, but if I recognize in myself that I enjoy being with women who are 'different' like me and share at least some of my own kinds of thoughts and ideas, wouldn't that be a good thing to find?

Yes!! I agree with you Jeff. I myself have found that with a Non ADD spouse what you just said is right on. It is good right now, but I so wonder if it will ever be great. i was not trying to discourage you at all from looking for a great relationship. I was just throwing out the idea that it may look better on paper than in reallity. It is only an idea I do not know if I ever dated anyone with ADD or not. So I have no justification for my point of view. To be honest I sometimes wish I had found someone with ADD, but then there could be other problems to go with that also. I do know that on this board I have been made to feel accepted for who I am. I am rambling. I will stop. The bottom line is I think there could be someone out there that is perfect for us and if we use the non ADD/ADD label to look for someone we may miss out.

I hear what you're saying Biking...you don't want to specifically look for someone who has ADD when you're looking for a partner because there's the possibility that you might exclude someone who's good for you. But I think atomx summed it up best earlier in this thread when he said:

"...you know pretty quick if someone's ADD. It's not like I'm going to ask for a written diagnosis It's more like, there's a certain set of mental characteristics I'm looking for -- and they happen to be summed up nicely in the label 'ADD.' But I'll know within a date or so whether or not they'll be acceptable. In all actuality, this isn't like a big deal -- I'm going to only date people I get along with..."

I couldn't agree more.

I agree too. Good luck to you Jeff!

OK, it's been nearly a year since AtomX started this thread.
My questions are:

How many non-ADD mates have you run in the other direction from?

Do you still feel the same way on this topic?(Since most ADD'ers can agree with both sides of the same argument!;) )

I have been one who always went after very organized type A women. Usually they end up running from me. You can read my posts/journal about the ongoing struggle in my marriage.

yeap I am very ADD I do see both sides of this. My recent comments were today. I think you can see that I see good with either way. I think the key is finding someone that loves you for who you are and accepts the challanges of being with you. And you would be able to do the same. I mariied before I was diagnosed so I was not looking at it from this point of view.

Originally posted by FightingBoredom
OK, it's been nearly a year since AtomX started this thread.
My questions are:

How many non-ADD mates have you run in the other direction from?

Do you still feel the same way on this topic?(Since most ADD'ers can agree with both sides of the same argument!;) )

Not sure whether you're directing this question at atomx or myself, but to answer, I'd say that I didn't 'run' from any relationships...perhaps they just didn't work out because we were not compatible.

As far as whether I still feel the same about this topic goes...although I've never dated a woman with ADD, I think there's a good chance that we'd be highly compatible.

I think we are all over looking a major issue here. They did that crossover series and SUPERMAN BEAT HULK?! I mean, am I the only one who sees the inherent wrongness in this? ;-)

Come on people! Relationships are as variable as personalities! If you really think the only significant other for you out there has to share certain neurological traits, that are part of the whole human variability continuum in the first place, you are only limiting your options. On the other hand, if you simply look for what you like, know what you want in advance, and are forthright and honest with that person about what to expect from you, and what you expect from them in a relationship who cares if they have ADD or not? As for liking "ADD characteristics", I know very few people here who would say they like tempermental people, overly sensitive people, etc... No, they are speaking or the "positive" characteristics. Thing is, lots of folks have these. It's very comforting, I suppose, to pidgeonhole yourself and others "like" yourself in a positive manner, after so often it has been done for lifetimes in a negative manner. Everyone is unique though. Even each of us. ADD is a syndromatic difference. In other words, it is a whole collection of differences of a neurological nature that tend to, but don't always occur together. My symptoms may be similar to yours but quite likely are not identical. The genes involved are probably numbered in multitudes, perhaps small multitudes, but it is certainly more than one or two. It may well be, and this is only one theory (but it is one, that follows natural genetic diversity trends) that individuals have to have a fair number of these genetic traits accumulated to be predominantly ADD wired. In other words, you could have several of the genes, and still be quite functional in society because you have have a mix of traits that allow that. In short, if as much as ten percent of the population carries enough ADD traits to impair function and there are many more floating about that are not impairing function then on that basis alone there is sunstantial reason to consider expanding your dating pool.

The fact is, this particular "wiring" scheme is just one (or rather several themes) among many, and they all have their advantages or they would not have succeeded to this point either. Best bet, keep your head on straight and let nature take her course.

Final suggestion, of course would be this. No amount of understanding changes the most common causes of relationship failures. Financial stress is a biggie. Next comes the expectations game. You can read up on all of this stuff in any number of places if you're interested. I bring it up because a lot of ADDers feel, that if they could "Just have that understanding everything would be better". Sometimes, it's better to establish a good relationship with yourself before you do with another person.

This is an interesting thread. Throughout my courtship with dh, I was somewhat dubious about its working out. I didn't know about my ADD yet, but I did know that there was a certain quality most of my friends and I had, that he did not. He was a lot more linear, detail-oriented, and practical. In a sense, I had a fear of being found out, because I knew myself to be a heck of a lot flakier than he was. We did both have some adjusting to do, and there are some issues that will always be there. But we are good for each other in many ways. He has admitted that if he'd married another Type A, his life would be much more boring. Somewhere down deep in his psyche, he craves humor and unpredictability, and wants someone to make him lighten up. That, I can provide. The immaculate house, not so much. :rolleyes:

And for me, he's sort of an anchor. I'm not sure exactly how to describe it, but it's a good thing.

This is a fascinating thread. I can see how atomx has identified charactaristics of someone he wants to date and that its not necessarily "discriminatory." Myself, I would avoid at all costs dating someone who is ADD. Up until very recently, I wouldn't have described it this way, though.

I've always thought that the best person for me is someone who balances me out. Someone who loves me for me (and all my looniness), but can bring things to a partnership that I can't (organization, responsibility, etc.). Someone who loves my craziness, but knows when to bring me down to earth (gently) to discuss retirement planning or whatever. Now that I've been diagnosed with ADD, I realize that the person I'm looking for is likely non-ADD.

Maybe the ADDating site should include people who are non-ADD, but willing or interested in dating ADDers. :-) We all have our types.

Still looking for my linear thinker....

My only relationship that lasted longer than 4 months was with another ADDer. We carried on for 2.5 years, sharing distress in our turmoiled lives, until I was diagnosed, and he -- clearly of the same "breed" as myself -- committed himself to that life of turmoil with adamant ADDenial.

Since my diagnosis (although it was pretty obvious my whole life...) this past December, I'm dating again for the very first time. I wasn't sure how I would be in a relationship, now that I'm medicated, but found a breath of fresh air in the fact that the "my type" that never ever worked, actually is "my type!" I've always felt this huge internal conflict between the strict, structured, practical inner type A , and my outward dynamic, spontaneous, delightfully cooky, creative, sensitive artist. Having discovered who I am behind the ADD (flatly practical type A personality), has brought me much peace with myself; I've gained access to the parts of myself that were never accessible but made their presence known, and realized the blessing ADD has bestowed upon my life. It has created in me such a unique combination of traits, that I can't help from embracing my oddities with enthusiasm.

Returning from my "self-discovery" tangent, I've just begun dating again for the first time since treatment, and he's non-ADD. An accountant even -- I had much doubt that he'd understand me at all, let alone, accept my ADDness (which generally is quite extreme). It hasn't been long, but so far, so good... after about two weeks, he caught glimpse of my Adderall bottle, and excitedly exclaimed, "hey! that's same stuff my brother takes!" I must have been ghost-white (wasn't prepared to reveal that information just yet), because he came over and gave me a hug, and told me I didn't have to worry or explain myself, because he understands, and reportedly enjoys its whimsy. He's very caught up in his guy friends, and never having been the controlling type (and just about as mellow as a Bob Marley fan, but sans the marijuana), I haven't made the slightest fuss. Perhaps I'm due for a night out with the ladies. (pats self on the back for having such a brilliant)

As far as dating another ADDer... I could date one just like myself who has the same structuredness, with a dash of wackiness, but don't think it'd work otherwise. I definitely need the understanding of my situation, but don't care much anymore for the dissarray or unpredictability of my past. I still adore random comments more than I can even describe, but beyond that, I'm enamored with the idea of a practical "nerd." :D

Good night all, I must say I enjoy reading everyone's posts, excuse my verbosity (too many term papers recently!), and it's so refreshing to hear your ideas... I feel like I've known you all my whole life!

Ta-ta,
Julie

;)

Oh man, that hits what I've been feeling. I think you are right, thanks for stating that.

Originally posted by E-boy
No amount of understanding changes the most common causes of relationship failures. Financial stress is a biggie. Next comes the expectations game. You can read up on all of this stuff in any number of places if you're interested. I bring it up because a lot of ADDers feel, that if they could "Just have that understanding everything would be better". Sometimes, it's better to establish a good relationship with yourself before you do with another person.

Thanks for your post.
I no longer feel like a monster and the root of all relationship problems lol

Hello,

First off, I'd like to say sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out. Going through a break up can be very painful. I'm sure you'll find the right lady for you when the time is right. However, I would like to point out, that it is quite possible to have a relationship with a non-adder. I for one am involved with my spouse who has ADD and although I only discovered he had it a couple of weeks ago, I've always found his quirkiness and off the wall humour very refreshing. I'm only having to learn how to cope with his crashing when his meds wear off, etc, but other than that, we get along great.

So, don't close the door to us non-adders. You may just find yourself a very accepting and empathetic one.

Take care,
Maplesweet

I used to be friends with someone who had ADD, was a bit scarey cos often we ended each others sentences also!

I agree with E-Boy. Ive met VERY boring ADDers and Ive also met exciting and fun non-ADDers.

I am ADD dating a non ADD guy for over a year (my longest relationship). And the relationship is GREAT! I wouldn't trade him in for the world!

For me, having ADD is frustrating! Do you know how bad I WISH I could be organized and want to get stuff done? My boyfriend is my rock. He is the one looking out for me and helping me get my act together. He is also very fun, exciting, spontaneous yet he is organized, tidy, and has his head on straight.

He loves my sillyness, off the wall remarks, unconventional thinking. And without him, Id be lost:)

Ive dated an ADDer and it was fun for awhile, but nothing ever got done that needed to! And I found myself thinking, "Wait a minute, IM the one who goofs off and is silly and carefree. Not you too!" I was like, "AW babe, I forgot to pay the rent." And he would be like, "Rent, oh yeah, me too!" But I secretly wanted him to remind me and make sure I was on track. We ended up failing out of school that semester. Fun times!
See, I NEED for someone to throw me out of bed and make me pay my bills. And my non ADD boyfriend NEEDs someone like me to add sponteneity and spark in his life :)

i have an ex that i really want back in my life, he broke up with me suddenly and we enjoyed each other. i don't have add and he did but we had such fun together and the best discussions. we recently decided to try and be friends without dating and i really want to show him that i'm there for him. what's the best thing i can do to show him this; i don't want to be pushy as i would love it if we really wanted to get back together as much as i do. what do you think?

Welcome... sounds a good project. Need more information!

: - )

Falling, I also enjoy the very best discussions with my best friend who has ADD. I really hope you are able to work out something that makes you both happy.

At the very least of things, a wonderful friend is a crime to lose.

If I were in your place, I think I would be curious why he felt he need to break up with you...this might be a clue, but then, love relationships aren't my strong suit!

I'll admit now, I didn't read the whole thread, I did read most of it thought. I must admit that before I was diagnosed with ADD, I dated both non-ADDers, and ADDers, I found most of the ADDer relationships did not last as long, They lasted maybe 2 months at the most, others last 2 weeks at the most. My longest reationship so far has been with my wife, on September 1st we will have been married for 3 years.

We met online on accident per se, we were just chatting one day, and decided to meet for dinner, as just friends, although i thought maybe there might have been a chance for more, and well the rest is history, we have been married for almost 3 years and have a beautiful baby girl. :cool: