View Full Version : BPD, ADD and relationships?


Uuuh,noname?
07-28-11, 09:22 AM
Hi! Wondering if this should be in Personality Disorder or Relationship section. Yeah so a question.. I recently got diagnosed with BPD and well one concern is I keep fuxxing up relationships. I dont seem to be able to maintain a relationship for very long. I go thru the idealization, then devaluing and then cutting off the relationship and bailing. Or just bailing at first sign of intimacy from fear of me getting attached and repeting past cycles. Now any tips in how I can maintain a relationship without all the drama that I create? I seem to be able to if I dont give flyin fart about the other person but if I like em well then it goes no where. Wierd.

Song of Mercy
07-28-11, 09:51 AM
I do have a tip. I was dxed bpd and I think it is one of the dx's that is right on for me.

I went online are read all the behaviors common with bpd.

One in particular is the good vs evil type of thinking. Knowing this helped me...alot. I used to struggle with idealizing folks. When I learned it was a symptom I started trying to think differently.

Such as, I make myself remember that all people have flaws and that I cannot trust immediate judgements I want to make, especially things like "wow, this is the greatest person ever."

Also, we tend to love people until we hate them. That usually happens the first time they do anything that is considered an affront to our fragile ego's. For me, I started thinking differently about these situations. Such as, well, I liked them alot for a while, do I hate them or do I not like this or that about them? Do they have to be my idea of perfect for me to have them in my life? Is this a massive character flaw or just a common symptom of being an imperfect human being.

Knowing that an illness was dictating certain thinking patterns for me seriously got my back up and I determined that I choose to think correctly about relationships. Eff bpd it does not choose my relationships for me.

sarahsweets
07-28-11, 10:34 AM
Therapy. Its one of the best ways to understand boundaries, intimacy, and relationships.

ginniebean
07-28-11, 11:36 AM
I think one of the hardest things for people with any PD to deal with is the idea that 'blame doesn't have to be assigned'. There's so much shame involved (in my experience) that observing yourself is often blocked by the overwhelming flood of shame. Self insight helps a whole lot, realising that you really are part of the human race, you've made mistakes, even big ones can be ok if you learn from them. This learning can be blocked be self shaming.


Introspection leads to insight. It's damned difficult and I do understand that but the rewards are immense.

This is from someone who deeply loves, values and cherishes someone with a PD.

Uuuh,noname?
07-28-11, 12:55 PM
I think one of the hardest things for people with any PD to deal with is the idea that 'blame doesn't have to be assigned'. There's so much shame involved (in my experience) that observing yourself is often blocked by the overwhelming flood of shame. Self insight helps a whole lot, realising that you really are part of the human race, you've made mistakes, even big ones can be ok if you learn from them. This learning can be blocked be self shaming.


Introspection leads to insight. It's damned difficult and I do understand that but the rewards are immense.

This is from someone who deeply loves, values and cherishes someone with a PD.
'Realising you really are part of the human race', do many people with BPD feel seperate from the human race? I feel that way, but didnt really relate it to BPD. What you said about self-shaming, interesting, I always thought if I constantly put myself down for past mistakes it would minimize the chances of me repeating them...

Yeah Sarahsweets, I deff want therapy to hurry up and come as well. Only got diagnosed like sometime this week so I have no clue how long it'll be before.

Song of Mercy those are good questions that I should ask myself.

All good advice gys thanks

ginniebean
07-28-11, 01:11 PM
'Realising you really are part of the human race', do many people with BPD feel seperate from the human race? I feel that way, but didnt really relate it to BPD. What you said about self-shaming, interesting, I always thought if I constantly put myself down for past mistakes it would minimize the chances of me repeating them...

Yeah Sarahsweets, I deff want therapy to hurry up and come as well. Only got diagnosed like sometime this week so I have no clue how long it'll be before.

Song of Mercy those are good questions that I should ask myself.

All good advice gys thanks


I don't experience this from the inside, I experience it from the outside. To me it looks like a walk of glass that the person walls themselves up in. It keeps out a lot of the bad feelings but also acts to keep a lot of other things out too. Like love.

My guess is that there is a very real and felt lack of connection that is intrinsic to PD's. It's frightening to lose your specialness but at the same time without losing it or loosening it the person maintains and continues the alienation.

It is an idea that if you put yourself down and berate yourself enough that you'll change and this is insisted upon as something that works by NT's. It doesn't work with mental illness or mental disorders.

Here's another idea. If you find yourself in a hole quit digging. Meaning, that by berating yourself you're just digging yourself in deeper and making it more difficult to get out.

I sometimes think that there is this mass delusion that the truth hurts more than the avoidance or the lies we tell ourselves.

I can recall many instances in my life where I've said "I don't know why I did that, it's just not like me!" And yet, the truth is, it is me, I did it, I need to face it and then I can move on from it. Why can I move on from it?

Because once I accept "this is me" I can then ask the question, "is this what I want for me?" I may know that I'll probably repeat it again, but eventually after seeing it repeat it stops repeating because I catch myself earlier and earlier with the awareness that 'this goes no place good' and I will then make an alternate move, one based on self awareness and caring for myself rather than running from the 'horror" I think I am.


As long as we keep avoiding ourselves we never see ourselves and the ghosts of our past actions continue to haunt us. The damndest thing is we keep repeating when we don't want to and the beating ourselves up is actually reinforcing the same pattern of denial rather than allowing us to get out of it.

Mesaana
07-28-11, 02:28 PM
i've also been dx'd with BPD, and it ruined several of my relationships. i went to therapy for it (cognitive-behavioral), and although it took a while, it helped me immensely.

it's important to understand the disorder. do you know the criteria that you have to meet to be diagnosed with BPD? i think there are 9, and that you have to meet 7 out of the 9.

there are varying degrees of BPD, just like any other disorder, and i had it pretty severely. i would sabatoge relationships when i really liked the other person right when it was at it's best. tiny things, like the other person looking at me with an expression that i perceived to mean that the person did not love me, or even nothing, would trigger outbursts of rage and illogical behaviour on my part, driving the other person away.

i would take everything the wrong way, and accuse the other person of all sorts of things.

it's important to understand that the root of BPD comes from this: fear of being abandoned. people with BPD feel emotions... much more strongly than others. imagine how you felt emotions as a child- you would throw tantrums, and cry, and completely overreact to things. we feel emotions like children do- because we lack skills in emotional regulation.

i think that is the key to understanding and managing BPD. i remember that i had a workbook for BPD, that i worked on with my therapist, that helped me regulate my emotions normally.

it isn't easy, but the more you work at it, the easier it becomes. and you are already over the hardest part- realizing that you have a problem. there are several people with BPD that refuse to acknowledge that they are the ones with the problem, and so therefore refuse to seek help for it.

this doesn't mean that it is their fault, because it is nobody's fault. you didn't ask to have BPD, but it also isn't fair to the people you create relationships with, neither is it fair to yourself.

i hope this information helped. i know quite a bit about BPD, feel free to pm me if you have any questions or would like to talk, and good luck to you. :)

Uuuh,noname?
07-29-11, 07:55 AM
It's important to understand the disorder. do you know the criteria that you have to meet to be diagnosed with BPD? I think there are 9, and that you have to meet 7 out of the 9.

There are varying degrees of BPD, just like any other disorder, and I had it pretty severely. I would sabatoge relationships when I really liked the other person right when it was at it's best. Tiny things, like the other person looking at me with an expression that I perceived to mean that the person did not love me, or even nothing, would trigger outbursts of rage and illogical behaviour on my part, driving the other person away.


I know what you mean. Done that. Makes me feel so immature. Like you said about having childlike emotions, which is a good way to look at it. I like this thread, helpful! I'm glad to hear that therapy has helped. It's an encouragement.
Haha, as far as meetin the criteria, all of them, but some may just be exacerbated by ADD. Such as drug use, impulsive spending, anger.
Yeah, the blame game. Its easier blaming everyone else and not improving oneself but then that means the person never be happy nor find the happy relationship that BPD's seem to want so much yet screw up.

One thing, does anyone think when one loses their temper in a BPD manner its so much more intense and scary than when you lose it in an ADD manner? I swear with ADD I have to be wound up to some extent to spark. With BPD its usually all me. I percieve something wrong or create something in my head that triggers an explosion and usually a mahoosive one. And when I look back at them, scary fuxxin times for those who were around me. :(

sarahsweets
07-29-11, 09:33 AM
I don't think I have BPD anger, tears, sadness or joy. I think I have those feelings because I'm me. When I do react I may have trouble regulating my emotions in a rational way but I don't think the emotions themselves are bipolar like. I would hate to be genuinely angry or sad and have someone dismiss it as bipolar behavior. Somehow that doesn't provide me with much validation.

dsvlil1
07-29-11, 11:20 PM
One thing, does anyone think when one loses their temper in a BPD manner its so much more intense and scary than when you lose it in an ADD manner? I swear with ADD I have to be wound up to some extent to spark. With BPD its usually all me. I percieve something wrong or create something in my head that triggers an explosion and usually a mahoosive one. And when I look back at them, scary fuxxin times for those who were around me. :(

I would say that bpd temper can be more frightening that add outbursts, mostly because the bpd explosions seem fueled by something that can keep going. It's like the emotional spark that comes from a bpd outburst has it's own self perpetuating energy to keep going well after the adder would have forgotton why they were so wound up.

Having been on the recieving end of my mothers bpd rages, her innate need to give validation to her negative emotions at the expense of those around her makes it hard to step back and realize that she is not the sum total of the emotions that turn her into a monster, but a victim of them in her own right.

Uuuh,noname?
08-02-11, 07:16 AM
Sarahsweets I can understand where you are coming from.

Dsvlil1, yeah that happens, I recently wrecked my room. I still cant remember what caused it but I was pretty ****ed off about something.

Sir5r1
10-27-11, 11:31 AM
I'm a New Member her, I have ADD inattentive type and My wife has BPD an OCPD.
The last few years have been a heck of a roller coaster ride.
When she rages or becomes antagonistic she will not back down, My ADD allows me to be tolerant to a point, I used to Explode until I started CBT.

Sir5r1

JR1973
11-11-11, 05:16 PM
I give credit to anyone with a PD that actually admits to having one. I am about to break things off with my gf who is so blatantly BPD but refuses to accept it. My head feels like swiss cheese after the rollercoaster of events during the year we've been together. Hell, I'm going to need therapy to get my head straight and try to understand what has happened. Really jacked up my confidence and self-esteem too.

Here is a fantastic article from a blogsite by a psychiatrist about BPD.

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2007/01/borderline.html

Uuuh,noname?
11-12-11, 09:08 AM
Yeah, well, who knows. I really dont, not getting any support for it either. Psychiatric nurse is useless, so is doc. Went on a mad one and ended up fighting cops and then being refused admission into mental ward due to being too aggressive..

People hve said therapy helps, I've been going once a week to a shrink for months, and now I'm self harming more, doing more drugs, being more impulsive than ever. Nice one.

I'm also getting evicted, so homeless once again. The shrinks at the police station said they wont let me go onto the streets but my care coordinator said I have to, there is no where for me to go.

Due to BPD? I dont know. I dont even know if I have it anymore. How should I? Yeah, I'm overly sensitive to rejection but the reasons are genuine. How can they be called 'paranoid ideations' when they are true? I think thats a problem many BPDs have, being told that they are just paranoid. Knowing I have BPD, doesnt help at all. It just makes me questions myself even more than I used to.
And also, this world s**ks, probably the only people who dont develop PD's in this day and age are the ones who just dont give two sh**s about this evil horrible world.

Complacency kills. Killed a wholebunch of Jews a little while back, dunno if you rememebr.

Uuuh,noname?
11-13-11, 11:23 AM
The only thing helping me stay stable atm is cannabis. Any advice from ppl with BPD? Impulsivity is major problem with me. Such as walked into shop to buy a sandwich came out with a 3ltr bottle of cider.

soaking
11-22-11, 09:46 AM
I have EUPD traits with ADHD and ASD triats apparently. I mostly have like emotional lability, and there have been times and impulsivity but i think they overlap with the ADHD. Just I'm older and havn't had great experiences, so like that affects me. Also I'm **** in relationships. I really loved my ex, and i found it hard to let go, though she was younger and I think she had some borderline traits for certain. But it's hard to just say that about people. I accept the borderline things now, as a continuation of problems I had when I was younger, and some of it is probably the way i look at things like if things get too tough then I rely on suicidal thoughts as a kind of crutch. I'm not sure if my thoughts are really that black/white. And that wasn't one of things that the Dr put down. It's more stuff like the impulsivity, issues of self-harm, impulsivity, the emotional lability, feeling empty - which tends to happen when i'm really tired, under a lot of stress or have been drinking.

soaking
11-22-11, 07:06 PM
well its like confusing like bpd is a tough one really. like in the new dsm criteria (which works quite well i think) it says something about selectively focusing on the negative attributes of others, but yeah personality disorders are complex. with borderline some don't think it's so much a personality problem as a high proportion of people with it have been abused plus some of the symptoms like emotional dysregulation, the impulsivity and i think the cognitive distortions are probably due to some organic brain damage or something.

I think it's really hard if you struggle to regulate your emotions, you might love someone and care about them a lot but really struggle to express it appropraitely. I feel like such a let down. Like I tend to blame myself for the mistakes, most people say I do, but I think sometimes I go through phases and I feel like it was all my exes fault. BUt it wasn't all her fault at all. I violated her trust. And then I found the relationship controlling as I had to stop being friends with a lot of people, but at the same time I kinda wish I could go back and instead of getting annoyed, just thought like yeah that's the right thing to do, because i think I actually was happier with her, and if I was like more complient. Though a lot of my friends, especially the ones who could see me atr university could see i was kinda really loosing it. i wasn't sleeping that much and looking after myself and i was an emotional wreck. and so could the drs see that. it was really difficult, because i could kind of see some similarities with the way my ex coped emotionally to how I would, and etc.

everyday i miss her, but i'm really confused about how it all ended. there were some accusations and I had kissed someone. etc. it all makes me feel like such a terrible person, and now she won't talk to me, and I hope one day I can actually talk to her again. even though i know she's moved on. I hope she's happy. i know i don't deserve to talk to her and I should completely quit my whining. i'm hoping to get better and be able to look after myself a lot better. apparently i need to learn to love myself before i try to love anyone else.

soaking
11-22-11, 07:07 PM
I don't think people with personality disorders are necessarily bad people at all, they're troubled people - and one in ten people have one, so that's a lot.