View Full Version : The thoughts in my head before I found out I was Bi-Polar


gypsysway
07-31-11, 04:08 AM
I have had many days that I literally live in my mind, and I will hardly speak and very anti-social on these days.

One day I got a pen and paper and just started writing down those thoughts...

When I was diagnosed with bi-polar where this came from made sense...

ME…

I lie here and cry, my thoughts go in so many directions…am I hallucinating or what?? What? What do you want from me?? Why do I think like this, why can't I slow you down?
You are screaming at me, yet I can't find you. what are you trying to tell me? why can't I understand you? Where are You???
I feel so alone, trapped in the thoughts of my mind….but you are there aren’t you? I can feel you there….
Why can't I touch you? Why can't I touch him? Why can't I touch her? I miss them so much… Why have they gone away???
I'm spinning in circles, I want to go this way, and you slam the door, I want to go that way, you slam the door… I spin faster, the doors are opening, there are paths, like in a labyrinth, Light is everywhere… I think I see you, but when I reach for you, they all close and it's dark, you are gone again… I am lost again….
Why? What do you want from me? Why are you hiding?
I am crying again… I feel like a rose so full of life and so beautiful, reaching for the sun, but it's cloudy and your raining on me…beating me down. I know I need you to survive, but why do you make it so hard on me??? Why?!? What do you want?!?
I hear you screaming again, and I'm screaming back at you... You put me here, are you laughing at me?
Locked in the dark corners of my soul… alone… screaming … battling… crying… Is that you I'm yelling at? Is it me I'm battling against? Stop laughing at me! Is this a game to you??? If it is I don't want to play anymore… I want out! You want out too, I can feel it. Please…. take my hand, show me the way. Turn on the lights, come to me… touch me… feel me… let me feel you… Stop screaming at me!
Your echo seems so far away. I can't take it anymore. I want to be me, I want to laugh… I want to smile… and I want to make them smile again. I want to create… I want to learn… I need to move… I am moving, but to fast… Please, slow me down.
I don't know where I'm going… where do I belong??? Stop closing all the doors, let me in… I just need to be me… Let me dance… I want to dance… Let me live… Let me love… I want to love… I have to love… You love me don't you? Then stop laughing at me! I am going… but I don't know where… How will I get there? Is that you? are you there?
Please talk to me so I can understand you…. stop screaming at me! I need you…. I want you…. I Love You… Why can't I touch you???
If I reach for you in the dark and I fall, will you catch me??? I want to be with you… I want to be your friend… I don't want to be alone anymore…


(2002)