View Full Version : i really hope my wife doesnt read this..


Daniel652
08-31-11, 01:47 PM
i just need some advice on how to get my wife to help me with my adhd, depression, and anxiety i try to get her to read and watch videos with me to get her to understand me and how i cant control my symptoms. ie forgetfullness, impulsiveness, sometimes tuning her out not on purpose. hallmark traits of adhd. she said and i quote "i dont wanna watch this because i feel like im training my dog" and she also said that she doesnt wanna watch it because she believes that by learning how to cope with my issues, thats like saying everything i did in the past that was wrong, now its ok because i have a disorder. I tried to explain to her; that i know previously what i did wrong and i just wanna be a better person for her and my soon to be born son. but i need her help to do that.

im really at a loss. i dont know how to get her to understand. i know she didnt sign up to deal with my adhd, but neither did i and i love her so much and want to better.

how do you all get your spouses to learn with you about your disorder?:(

lateralthinker
08-31-11, 04:23 PM
That pretty much sums it up for me too - I could have written your post. She said she can't help me concentrate better. And doesn't see a reason to learn about my ADD since I'm the one who has it. She thinks I'm trying to justify my inattentive and sometimes rude behavior by trying to explain some of the nuances of ADD.

She does finally understand that it's genetic and not the result of a bad upbringing. We both agree that my upbringing; however you want to call it, left me with some self-esteem issues and a lack of ability to manage the ADD effectively on my own. She finally understands that it's a condition and not a choice. Understanding is a tedious and slow process. To compare it to watching paint dry... it' more like watching a tree grow.

I'm guessing it's up to me to help myself. I have a young son and I can tell you life certainly won't be easier for you once your kid is born. I've tried in the past to self-manage (and self medicate) my ADD, but there's just too much going on in life to stick to any defined routine. Books and education only go so far - and some of them are off the mark. I'll be going in a couple weeks for what will hopefully lead to an official diagnosis and medication.

Then I'll go back to the other methods of managing it.

sarahsweets
08-31-11, 04:33 PM
Op : your wife reeks of resentment and negativity. To compare training a dog to your rehabilitation is dismissing and nasty. If she had fibromyalgia would you just tell her to suck it up and cook dinner? You can't change her that's obvious. So work on changing you. Every positive thing you do to make your life more manageable may still **** her off but she's not in controll and doesn't like it. Positive change in one person can bring out the negative in another. This is where couples therapy comes in.

Daniel652
08-31-11, 04:52 PM
thanks, i have done a lot of wrong in the past...snapping, and getting angry, and leaving her for what i now know was no apparent reason. i never cheated physically abused her, but i did start verbally abusing her. i say this before my next comment because i know i was wrong. i very well know i was wrong.

now leads me to tell you. she use to like to hit me quite a bit. i have a lot of training from the army, therefore i know how to block and whatnot, and how to stop someone from breaking my jaw. therefore it lead to me restraining her. i told family immediately. but one thing lead to another. she realized, okay i cant actually hit him. so she hit me in my darkest weakest spots. the spots that make you wanna crawl in a hole and die. and so there i started firing back at her. then i realized, ya know what eff this im out. i left her, now im back and shes pregnant. i then went to my pdoc, i got help ie meds, and now were good, but still have this battle of resentment towards each other. i guess this is why she feels like im trying to use adhd as an excuse, which i stated earlier im not. i want to be better.

Impetus
08-31-11, 09:10 PM
whoa! not cool. been married for 15+ years, annnnd I've never done that.

I did chuck a high ball glass at hubby about 10 years ago, and that's about it. I'm pretty non confrontational.

anywho, it sounds like you and your wife might be speaking two different languages. You want her to *see* your perspective. What it sounds like she is *hearing* is "it's not my fault.... don't blame me, I'm not responsible." (note: I know that's not what you're saying)

How does one get an NT to not only HEAR, but LISTEN? That my friend, I have no freaking clue. Should you happen to find out, please be sure to report back with your findings. (I chronically feel unheard by the majority of the NT's in my life)

It sounds like she is only hearing what she wants to hear. Whoever said couples counseling is SPOT ON! From *here* it looks like neither of you feel heard AND maybe neither is listening.

You two need to buckle down on learning effective listening skills.

Before you get down on your marriage, I gotta tell ya. Hubs and I miss the mark a lot, but we keep trying. We love each other, so we keep trying! This is a completely normal lesson for a couple to learn together.

My advice, stop talking at her. She's not ready to hear it. (nt's are funny that way, they only like truth on their terms....) Get into therapy at least for yourself. Hopefully, she'll follow suite)

Simenora
08-31-11, 09:13 PM
You just can't "do" ADHD without support

Daniel652
09-01-11, 12:34 AM
whoa! not cool. been married for 15+ years, annnnd I've never done that.

I did chuck a high ball glass at hubby about 10 years ago, and that's about it. I'm pretty non confrontational.

anywho, it sounds like you and your wife might be speaking two different languages. You want her to *see* your perspective. What it sounds like she is *hearing* is "it's not my fault.... don't blame me, I'm not responsible." (note: I know that's not what you're saying)

How does one get an NT to not only HEAR, but LISTEN? That my friend, I have no freaking clue. Should you happen to find out, please be sure to report back with your findings. (I chronically feel unheard by the majority of the NT's in my life)

It sounds like she is only hearing what she wants to hear. Whoever said couples counseling is SPOT ON! From *here* it looks like neither of you feel heard AND maybe neither is listening.

You two need to buckle down on learning effective listening skills.

Before you get down on your marriage, I gotta tell ya. Hubs and I miss the mark a lot, but we keep trying. We love each other, so we keep trying! This is a completely normal lesson for a couple to learn together.

My advice, stop talking at her. She's not ready to hear it. (nt's are funny that way, they only like truth on their terms....) Get into therapy at least for yourself. Hopefully, she'll follow suite)

thank you for sharing your experience with me. i spoke with my wife to try to get her to understand a bit and i think shes afraid of me going back to the old impulsive me, and leaving her again. i calmly reassured her that im not making any promises but i am putting my best foot forward in this journey and i wanted her, my partner, to go through this with me. i explained that i needed her support. i think step by step it might work..i have some hopes. shes also afraid im gonna stop my meds and go all basket case again. which i know i wont do for sure. past experience says thats a bad idea...anywho, thank you for your support, all of you i owe you a great deal in your advice and your wisdom area. since im only not even a year into my marriage

Impetus
09-01-11, 02:56 AM
better now than later.... it's a b***h to try to clean up 10 years of lousy communication!

meadd823
09-01-11, 06:25 AM
I am sorry but HITTING , hitting is NOT appropriate EVER REGARDLESS OF GENDER.

It is NOT okay for a woman to hit a man regardless of weather or not she can actually hurt him. To me it is just as bad for a women to hit an man as it is for a man to hit a woman. .. . Hitting is hitting regardless of gender.


Excuse me but I think hitting a man "below the belt" in is outrageous, leaving was exactly the right thing to do. SHE was so wrong I don;t care what you said or forgot or did.

Most of the men I know would have punched me and rightly so. I was taught hitting a man puts me in a man's place and I should expect to be treated as such.

You left for what I think are GOOD reasons - especially seeing as you have not even been together for a year.



My husband and I have said some pretty bad crap during fights. I am not condoning verbal abuse but speaking mean words is one thing physical violence is another.

Physical violence violates a sacred trust - With the exception of literally self defense, people who claim to love you should NOT go out of their way to physically harm you! Gary hitting me would be as bad as having an affair - Well hmmmmm if the woman is nice looking did dishes, liked cats and other women . . . Okay so I am pretty open sexually Gary and I maybe could negotiate our way around another woman . . .. . . . butttttttttt

Physical violence is a deal breaker period, and it should be for you as well especially with a child on the way.

You want your child growing up thinking it is okay to physically harm a spouse out of anger!!!!

Daniel652
09-01-11, 01:46 PM
thank you so much for your reply....but do you think i was wrong for restraining her? i still battle with myself everyday on whether that was wrong or not.

RedHairedWitch
09-01-11, 02:34 PM
I suppose that comes down to intent and whether oyu hurt her doing it. But man, she did go after you. I don't have a lot of sympathy for a chick who is going to hit her man. There's no excuse for that.

Something my brother who teaches MMA says to guys in his classes:
You are way bigger and stronger, you don't have to hit back or even restrain a woman. Unless she is coming at you with a weapon you can just walk away. Her tiny little fist aren't going to hurt you as you slam the door in her face and go else where.

... or something along those lines.

I wish I had something encouraging to say, it looks like you guys have a long road a head. Good luck.

anonymouslyadd
09-01-11, 03:11 PM
thanks, i have done a lot of wrong in the past...snapping, and getting angry, and leaving her for what i now know was no apparent reason. i never cheated physically abused her, but i did start verbally abusing her. i say this before my next comment because i know i was wrong. i very well know i was wrong.

now leads me to tell you. she use to like to hit me quite a bit. i have a lot of training from the army, therefore i know how to block and whatnot, and how to stop someone from breaking my jaw. therefore it lead to me restraining her. i told family immediately. but one thing lead to another. she realized, okay i cant actually hit him. so she hit me in my darkest weakest spots. the spots that make you wanna crawl in a hole and die. and so there i started firing back at her. then i realized, ya know what eff this im out. i left her, now im back and shes pregnant. i then went to my pdoc, i got help ie meds, and now were good, but still have this battle of resentment towards each other. i guess this is why she feels like im trying to use adhd as an excuse, which i stated earlier im not. i want to be better.

I verbally abused my ex and feel regret everytime I think about it. She slapped me a couple times. We were very unhealthy. I was unhealthy.

Gosh I wish I had an answer for you.

Daniel652
09-01-11, 11:16 PM
Just responding is enough...thanks sometimes it helps just to vent

Kirby Albee
09-02-11, 01:10 AM
I think you should leave her. From your posts, you sound like you've both been living alone together inside your wife's moral universe, which sounds like an unreasonably harsh place. The way you describe the two of you talking about it reminded my in an uncanny way of a bad relationship I was once in. (I was open minded, prone to guilt and had no idea what a good relationship looked like.) It never got better, no matter how much "work" went into it.

whatsthebuzz
09-02-11, 07:07 AM
Op : your wife reeks of resentment and negativity. To compare training a dog to your rehabilitation is dismissing and nasty. If she had fibromyalgia would you just tell her to suck it up and cook dinner? You can't change her that's obvious. So work on changing you. Every positive thing you do to make your life more manageable may still **** her off but she's not in controll and doesn't like it. Positive change in one person can bring out the negative in another. This is where couples therapy comes in.

couldn't agree more ..and the fact that she was comparing him to a dog just goes to show the level of sensitivity towards the impact of adhd on him and his life..which is practically zero. Remember the old saying that when one family member gets cancer they all get cancer...well this is a family member not even giving a sh*t about learning how her hubby's adhd affects him and really ultimately her as well. She's got him around so she'll have his adhd around and there ain't nothing she can do about it . If she finds it that impossible to live with him and no intention of even learning about how she may be able to improve their lives then really why is she even sticking around?all i can say is that sounds pretty typical of a NT person. they don't have it so they don't care to know about it.

Daniel652
09-02-11, 12:32 PM
couldn't agree more ..and the fact that she was comparing him to a dog just goes to show the level of sensitivity towards the impact of adhd on him and his life..which is practically zero. Remember the old saying that when one family member gets cancer they all get cancer...well this is a family member not even giving a sh*t about learning how her hubby's adhd affects him and really ultimately her as well. She's got him around so she'll have his adhd around and there ain't nothing she can do about it . If she finds it that impossible to live with him and no intention of even learning about how she may be able to improve their lives then really why is she even sticking around?all i can say is that sounds pretty typical of a NT person. they don't have it so they don't care to know about it.


thanks for understanding thats the feeling i get...but my wife is now pregnant, 6 months, im very happy about the baby. im not happy about how i get treated. however i did speak with her again about it. she said it may seem selfish, but she doesnt feel that she should have to make accomidations for my add.....oh boy im going down a very long road huh?.?.?...:(

KronarTheBlack
09-02-11, 12:50 PM
Anytime she wants you to do anything pregnancy related just say that you don't feel like you should have to make accommodations for her pregnancy! :cool:

Daniel652
09-02-11, 01:30 PM
lol good idea...but im a pushover, im a pretty big guy but when it comes to the heart, ill do just about anything for anyone...a downside to my persona....

whatsthebuzz
09-03-11, 12:51 AM
thanks for understanding thats the feeling i get...but my wife is now pregnant, 6 months, im very happy about the baby. im not happy about how i get treated. however i did speak with her again about it. she said it may seem selfish, but she doesnt feel that she should have to make accomidations for my add.....oh boy im going down a very long road huh?.?.?...:(

you would think that with her going about making that she has is all together that she would be the first one to know that marriage is supposed to be about adapting to your spouse and to be able to compromise when you can't get around something.I'm pretty sure that if you appear even remotely insensitive about her pregnancy (I've always hated the phrase''we're pregnant'') that she would be all on you about what a terrible husband you are. A relationship is never a one way street cause I'm pretty sure she ain't so perfect herself. Sooner or later you guys will have to come to an agreement on how to manage your lives . and if I were you and she told me how my having adhd is so hard on her... I'd be like ''well how do you think I feel''.

Etcetera
09-03-11, 02:45 AM
"Look, I know I have done wrong in the past. I wasn't there for you, when I clearly should have. I have done you wrong. I loved you, but I couldn't love you the way you were supposed to be loved. I knew, even then, I wasn't the man you deserved, so I sought help. I sought a reason why I did this to the woman I adore the most, the future mother of my children.

I know now why I did what I did. It doesn't make it right, but if you'd please, please listen. I have a disorder, this ADHD - it did make me do what I did. It's no excuse - I am the one to blame for not having sought help earlier. I take responsibility for that.

But please, let me be there for you. Help me be there for you. I love you and I'd do anything for you, but this is one thing I cannot fix on my own.

Read about ADHD. Learn about me. Teach me and tell me where I go wrong. Be my guiding light. In return, I will love you, endlessly."


Obviously, it may not be what you want to hear, but more what she needs to hear. The next logical step from there is get her to go to couple's counseling. Nasty things have happened in your relationship, and although I can relate to her, if she chooses to be in a relationship with you, she should at least try to make an effort to set things straight.

If she stays this negative towards your ADHD, and now I'm going to be quite blunt, you are in a negative relationship which will only put you down. Escape from it so you could come to terms with your ADHD. Because that is your prime concern now. With or without her, you have to find your own happiness.

And I know, it's hard advice for someone who is about to be a father. But unhappy parents or just a depressed father is NOT a good atmosphere for a child to grow up either.

meadd823
09-03-11, 03:28 AM
thank you so much for your reply....but do you think i was wrong for restraining her? i still battle with myself everyday on whether that was wrong or not.


No you were NOT wrong for restraining her! YOU have every right to prevent some one from doing you harm regardless of their relationship to you.

Love should never entail tolerating physical violence for ANY REASON. When conflicts get that far out of hand healthy adults walk the phuck off they do not hit each other

If my husband hit me and I decked him would you blame me?

Why should self protection be limited to the female gander?


If all you did was restrain her then you are doing better than she deserved!


Domestic violence against men: Know the signs (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence-against-men/MY00557)

Because men are traditionally thought to be physically stronger than women, you might be less likely to talk about or report incidents of domestic violence in your heterosexual relationship due to embarrassment or fear of ridicule. You might also worry that the significance of the abuse will be minimized because you're a man.


Why Men Don't Do Anything About It (http://www.batteredmen.com/bathelpwhymen.htm)


Battered Men - The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence (http://www.batteredmen.com/bathelpnatl.htm)

Hitting you is a CRIME, she can be prosecuted for domestic violence

Just because you are a man does not mean you should put up with being abused!



Psychological Effects of Partner Abuse Against Men: A Neglected Research Area (http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/dom/hines01.htm)


Hitting is physical abuse regardless of your gender!




. . . . .

meadd823
09-03-11, 03:43 AM
I suppose that comes down to intent and whether oyu hurt her doing it. But man, she did go after you. I don't have a lot of sympathy for a chick who is going to hit her man. There's no excuse for that.

Something my brother who teaches MMA says to guys in his classes:
You are way bigger and stronger, you don't have to hit back or even restrain a woman. Unless she is coming at you with a weapon you can just walk away. Her tiny little fist aren't going to hurt you as you slam the door in her face and go else where.



Your brother does not have any women in his class?

Tiny fist can do damage when put in just the right place - Females take martial arts too - This one has any way, although it has been a while!


Women should be as accountable for spousal abuse as men are!

ginniebean
09-03-11, 03:55 AM
http://adultadhdrelationships.blogspot.com/2009/12/partners-in-life-partners-in-evaluating.html

gotta say.. stand up for yourself.

Daniel652
09-03-11, 11:03 AM
one thing i am scared of is this being my second divorce...yes im 24 already divorced once. im quite the impulsive individual, and quite the heartbreaker. i dont want to break her heart, and be divorced again, and have my son taken away from me before i even get a chance to be a real dad.

RedHairedWitch
09-03-11, 01:25 PM
Most women can't fight. This isn't TV land where Drew Barrymore can beat up five guys. I couldn't hurt a guy only 20 pounds heavier than me. The OPs wife is six months pregnant as well, that's a game changer. How much damage can you do around a baby belly? How easy is it to accidentally hurt that baby belly while grappling? How hard is it to walk Away from a woman who waddles? I don't condone her hitting him, I am saying that there are other options than going toe to toe when your unborn baby is in between you.

Anyways... Have you discussed with your wife that ADHD is hereditary? What if the child has it? Will she refuse to accommodate then?

Daniel652
09-03-11, 01:58 PM
oh BTW all the hitting was prior to pregnancy, now as redhairwitch stated, she pretty much is just good with her words...

Kirby Albee
09-03-11, 10:30 PM
She sounds to me like someone who thinks of her problems as an essential part of her identity, sticks up for them, and who's default stance towards the world is oppositional. How many people here know reasonable, well-rounded people who want to make deep changes in themselves? how many people even find it easy to change themselves? It's not easy to provide your own happiness when you've got to live within another person's (perhaps) hyper-moral world-view, wherein you constantly feel like a sinner. (Forgive me if I'm reading too much into this.)

It might be good for the kid if you stick around, otherwise I'd repeat my earlier advice.

sarahsweets
09-06-11, 10:46 AM
The question is if you make major changes all on your own, without guilt, input or help from her will she change? We are powerless over others but powerful over ourselves.

Daniel652
09-06-11, 10:50 AM
thats what i have to wait for i guess. im not gonna be a hippocrite and blame her for everything, its not fair. shes giving me a chance to change, so to answer your question sarah, im gonna wait it out, do therapy and work on it....

its a long road, a very long road, but theres gotta be an answer somewhere, which i think ill have to wait to find out...

CrushCrush
09-06-11, 01:59 PM
Op : your wife reeks of resentment and negativity. To compare training a dog to your rehabilitation is dismissing and nasty.

I totally agree.

ADDisme2010
09-06-11, 03:42 PM
thanks for understanding thats the feeling i get...but my wife is now pregnant, 6 months, im very happy about the baby. im not happy about how i get treated. however i did speak with her again about it. she said it may seem selfish, but she doesnt feel that she should have to make accomidations for my add.....oh boy im going down a very long road huh?.?.?...:(

Can't help but think you are going to be going down a VERY long road. She is the one that seems to be very selfish "she doesn't feel that she should have to make accomodations for your ADHD" Listen, marriage is a give and take. Seems she is not so willing to give. It is about companionship, support, understanding, Forgiveness...If you want this relationship to work, couples counseling is in your future. It CAN work out, with love, respect, and commitment. You both need to figure out if you are in this for the long haul, and if you are, then respect and compassion for one another is a must. Physical violence is never ok. (and heck yes, you do have the right to protect yourself by restaining her when she is punching at you!) I realize you have also made some mistakes (leaving her for no reason), and I think she is very resentful and harboring a lot of anger over this. A few one hour counseling sessions with a qualified marriage counselor could go a long way in repairing and starting to heal this relationship.

Daniel652
09-06-11, 03:44 PM
Thanks much appreciated

Luvmybully
09-06-11, 04:04 PM
Oh wow. I feel bad for you. I do NOT understand your wife's attitude. When you agree to marry someone you agree to be their partner for life, no matter what it takes or what obstacles EITHER partners has to overcome. When you take those vows those obstacles become BOTH partners'. I guess those vows didn't really mean a whole lot to her.

Yes it absolutely IS necessary for her to understand your adhd AND do HER part in making your family functional. If one of you suddenly found out they had diabetes would the other say "Tough crap-that's YOUR problem?" What a callous attitude!

You can't build a family or a marriage all by yourself. If she is not willing to be a functional, contributing part of making your marriage and family work, then she can't ***** when things don't go perfectly smooth. It is just as much HER failure as it is yours.

Luvmybully
09-06-11, 04:08 PM
thank you so much for your reply....but do you think i was wrong for restraining her? i still battle with myself everyday on whether that was wrong or not.

It sounds to me like you have answered that for yourself. That YOU are not comfortable with whatever level of force you used on her and you feel that maybe you could have handled it differently.

*I* can't tell you the answer, I wasn't there. But I can say that it is NOT ACCEPTABLE that she hit you. That's just wrong. Completely wrong.

confused Buda
09-06-11, 04:45 PM
Are you on medication? Medication made me a very "mature" person in the sense that I stopped worrying about the past, I stopped being hurt by what my husband told me about myself (directly or indirectly), it gave me the confidence that I was lacking all my life long... It is so magical that I started to question about "I" (is there something called "I")? This is like having plastic surgery and get a totally different (and very pretty) face :). Also having invested a lot for therapy etc. in the past, I don't believe that any cognitive/behavioural tool works efficientlt when the foundation of your brain is not right...

On the other side, you can remind your wife that ADD is hereditory; there is a chance that your baby will have it too. She may chose to refuse to deal it now but she will not have that luxury if your baby has it too. Tell her that it is your opportunity -as parents- to get familiar with it so that she can monitor the baby with more aweareness from day one.

and, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.... good luck.

Kirby Albee
09-06-11, 06:47 PM
Sometimes I think relationships have more loyal friends than do the people in them.

speculative
09-06-11, 10:00 PM
Sometimes I think relationships have more loyal friends than do the people in them.

Relationships are the status quo. If people break up, it disrupts the status quo. The status quo has too many friends, and too few enemies...

confused Buda
09-07-11, 02:30 AM
Relationships are the status quo. If people break up, it disrupts the status quo. The status quo has too many friends, and too few enemies...

Totally true... and all those friends want to see you "in" the relationship, not "out"", no matter how you feel in it.

Daniel652
09-07-11, 09:12 AM
oh yea i know how that feels from when we seperated a while back..jeez you realize who really likes you and who doesnt..

pechemignonne
09-07-11, 12:16 PM
thank you so much for your reply....but do you think i was wrong for restraining her? i still battle with myself everyday on whether that was wrong or not.
Based on my experience, as someone else said, the first option is to leave. Right away, and fast. If for some reason you were absolutely unable to leave, and you restrained her in self-defense, than I suppose you had no other option. It won't help anyone for you to beat yourself up about it.

I know that for myself, this sounds like an abusive relationship. And I was in an abusive relationship, and when I was, I did things I'm not proud of. I hit back. I called names. But the only thing I did that made it better was I left. Right after he spent all my money on drugs and threw the coffee table at my head. If I had left after he broke down the door in a drunken rage, or after he called me one or the other name, I would have saved myself a lot of time, money, and pain.

I understand that she is pregnant, and I am happy for you that you are excited about it. But I am warning you right now that your story sounds like mine, and my situation only got worse the longer I stayed and the more times I went back. I was still sleeping with him while living in a women's shelter, so believe me I know how tempting it is to believe that they can change. And maybe some can. But they have to be really, really invested in changing, and they need a lot of help and a lot of time. Years, not days or weeks. Trained therapy sessions, not a few books or episodes of Dr Phil.

Promising things will be different, seeming okay for a while, these are not going to mean anything on the long term when someone is abusive. Ask yourself this: what's going to happen when she's been sleep-deprived for weeks and the baby is crying all night? Picture the way she behaved towards you, and put a baby in your place. And don't for a second believe that because she is a mother that will somehow change her fundamental way of dealing with stress in a relationship.

It won't. And if I'm right, which I hope I'm not, your child will be the real victim.