View Full Version : Coming out to someone you're interested in


kipong
09-09-11, 11:02 AM
I am curious about your stories with past people you have dated or gone out on dates with: when did you tell the person you have ADHD and how did you say it?

I recently told someone I have been talking to in Italy after two months and he said he's okay with it but has been a bit distant lately. Of course, I have been busy too. We are both journalists. I might need to just ask him about it. We haven't even met yet.

And then there's another guy whom I have known for two years, always had great conversations, so we went out on a date and it went well. A few days later I told him and he replied that by saying this, it encourages men to run away and those who stick around are only interested in sleeping with me. That hurt a little. I also believe that I've started to develop a certain cynicism towards men cos it does take patience to date anyone with ADHD yes? I told him this but I made sure that I didn't mean towards him.

Anyway, I am curious about your personal stories. Also, any advice on how to date an Italian is welcomed also, ahem any Italians in Italy..I am looking at you :P

Michiko74
09-09-11, 12:46 PM
I am really particular about who I disclose my ADHD to. If I was dating, it wouldn't be information I would mention within the first few dates. I'm really protective about myself in that way.

Honestly, I think there are alot of clues that would probably indicate how the guy deals with people who are different than him. For example, what are his attitudes/viewpoints whenever you encounter someone with a physical disability? When the subject of people with mental illness comes up, be it in the media or whatever, what are the responses that he gives?
On a more broader subject, is this a sensitive, empthatic, caring individual? How does he deal with you when you are hurt? Have you seen him show these characteristics to other people, including yourself?

Although the observation was painful, he might have had a point. Protect your heart. Date, but pay attention and be observant about the characteristics he displays. Of course this isn't an absolute. The dude could be perfectly ok with your ADHD and never disclose any of these characteristics.

Also, understand that even the most patient and understanding guy might have some issues with your ADHD. Hopefully, the two of you can talk about it and you can answer any concerns or questions he has about it. And if he's an awesome guy, than he can see that while some of your quirks can be attributed to the ADHD, it's not the end all and be all of you.

Good luck!

sarahsweets
09-09-11, 01:05 PM
I just let my hsband discover it for himself. It was like a great treasure hunt and I was the treasure. Once I snagged him I told him and he was like " shun I wondered why you were so forgetful! " its not a cancer and its treatable.

sarek
09-09-11, 03:14 PM
I have the benefit of my special antenna which generally keeps everyone who is not supposed to know about it, far away from me.
I only 'get with people' who 'get' me. And with those people I never need to worry about understanding each other.

I can say it even stronger. Anyone whom I would be afraid to disclose my ADD to would also be someone I would not want to get too close to anyway. The kind of personality that would be compatible with me is also the kind of personality that would naturally accept that aspect of myself.

ponychompers
09-09-11, 04:14 PM
I agree with Michiko74 and Sarek. I imagine women who have survived abuse don't share that right off the bat either. Nothing wrong with sharing, but not everyone is the "broadcasting" type with all their personal info. There's no need unless you think the relationship could get serious. If so, and he's really into you, then it shouldn't be a big deal to him. If it is, then you don't want to date him anyway!

My husband got together because of "special antennae" like Sarek mentions, although I wasn't diagnosed at the time. With other people, I have noticed any time I have needed to share it with friends or a select co-worker, they're like, "Cool. Whatever," or are curious to know more. My heart races and I get nervous butterflies for nothing. :o

kipong
09-09-11, 09:45 PM
I am really particular about who I disclose my ADHD to. If I was dating, it wouldn't be information I would mention within the first few dates. I'm really protective about myself in that way.

Honestly, I think there are alot of clues that would probably indicate how the guy deals with people who are different than him. For example, what are his attitudes/viewpoints whenever you encounter someone with a physical disability? When the subject of people with mental illness comes up, be it in the media or whatever, what are the responses that he gives?
On a more broader subject, is this a sensitive, empathetic, caring individual? How does he deal with you when you are hurt? Have you seen him show these characteristics to other people, including yourself?

Your advice is spot on, so thank you!

In reference to Italian guy, he's written about people surviving in war torn countries and is on Couchsurfing which, if you're not familiar is all about sharing cultures between travellers and the kindness of strangers. He's been on the web site for the last three years and plenty of good references (30) from male and female travellers who have stayed with him. When he reacted, he said he was okay with it, but I waited to say anything until two months of talking.

But, I may have freaked him out because we haven't even met in person yet. Unfortunately I didn't get the full reaction from him due to a bad Skype connection and he hasn't mentioned it since other than to repeat he's fine with it but hasn't talked to me much. He has however been very polite just short. I may just need to remind him I'm not looking for anything but fun. Thought about sending flowers but it may be a bit much I don't know. I plan on going there in December for a month for other reasons. My lineage is in Sicily and there's lots to write about there as a journalist.

Maybe he needs time. And I know we would have a lot of fun in person, he seems he could be a smart, patient guy. He comes from a small town.

Although the observation was painful, he might have had a point. Protect your heart. Date, but pay attention and be observant about the characteristics he displays. Of course this isn't an absolute. The dude could be perfectly ok with your ADHD and never disclose any of these characteristics.

Also, understand that even the most patient and understanding guy might have some issues with your ADHD. Hopefully, the two of you can talk about it and you can answer any concerns or questions he has about it. And if he's an awesome guy, than he can see that while some of your quirks can be attributed to the ADHD, it's not the end all and be all of you.

Good luck!

I think maybe that is why the Italian is still talking to me, but not as much. I said some hurtful things in regards questioning his romanticism, because I am typically skeptical of any long distance or online romance.

It was the other guy living in the same city as me who was brutally honest. He said later he was merely giving me a taste my medicine. As someone with ADHD, I've noticed I speak in sentence fragments and forgot to mention that I didn't mean I was cynical about him necessarily. He was also quite open about his life, although I've yet to prove if it is real or not. He grew up in a rough neighbourhood with shootings and has suffered from insomnia, sometimes going as long as 11 days without sleep. He says it's been cured but now he sleeps a lot.

I don't know, he's a very kind and sweet but the more I write about this, the more I wonder what I am getting myself into. I think I was attracted to his sweet nature, and the fact that he's a survivor of such things. The fact that he has the ability to be quite cruel so early on makes me wonder if he has the patience to date me or not despite having had a rough childhood himself and surviving it.

Good thing I am dating again my ex who has ADHD, maybe we can work something out but I don't know.

It was a good test run though yes? And now I am thinking I won't be so honest so quickly. I don't usually tell new friends either until I know them well enough and can trust them.

kipong
09-10-11, 11:49 AM
Sigh, I tend to over-think things. Is that ADHD is something else?

Michiko74
09-13-11, 09:29 AM
Sigh, I tend to over-think things. Is that ADHD is something else?

:D Could it be the ADHD? Maybe. Or could it be that you're just normal? I think most people tend to go over something like this over and over again.

TriumphTriple
09-13-11, 05:41 PM
Well my friends always knew but didn't outright say it, until I mentioned asked them if they noticed. They usually would laugh and tell me that its obvious but its who I am.

For the first time, I told my girlfriend about my ADHD. I never discussed it with anyone else I ever dated. It was around our 6th date at the time, but she seemed to have an idea that I had it. I had a hard time telling her about it because I was afraid of her reaction. We discussed it for over an hour and its one of the things she likes about me. She is one of the few people in this world that gets me. She loves that I'm so spontaneous and have tons of hobbies. Oddly enough she is the only person I can talk to for hours and hours without being distracted. That's when I knew she was the one.