My name is Michael. My wife of 9 years is an undiagnosed overfocused ADDer. After discovering we were pregnant with our second child, my wife told me she didn't feel "in love" with me, that she never had, that the spark "just wasn't there." Our sex life has been strictly "obligatory" (her word) all these years. This revelation occurred about six weeks ago and our marriage has since fallen apart. She's talking about divorcing me, even while she's pregnant, not believing that ADD could be the cause of her lack of stimulation and her sense of urgency to do something about it. She exhibits moderate to severe symptoms of ADD, including an addiction to her highly stimulating work (police officer). Both my therapist and psychiatrist agree she probably has the disorder. The tests I've taken (for her) at Amenclinic.com and WebMD indicate the same.

I'm in crisis. I need help. I know that ADD frequently causes issues with intimacy, but has anyone else experienced this situation and how did you deal with it?

Thank you.

M

Hmm, tough one there. Keeping in mind that there's nothing you can change except your actions and reactions, I've only got one recommendation. Find out what makes your wife feel loved, and do it. It seems she was in love with you before, find out what she loved about you.

When people feel loved, then they tend to love the person who loves them back. If that doesn't work, I don't know what will. Anything else I could think of needs a commitment from both parties, and it doesn't sound like she wants to make that commitment now.

it doesn't sound like she wants to make that commitment now.
Bingo. :(

Hi Mike,
Gosh this sounds really awful. I am really sorry. A few suggestions.

1)Talk with her Obgyn/Gyno. If they will not talk to you in private, ask to go to an appt with her.

2)Talk her calmly, firmly but very gently into seeing that this would not be a good time to make a decision about divorce as she is pregnant and 9 more months will not make much difference after 9 years.

3) Keep talking to her about her point of view on things if you can see that it helps her calm down. Was the spark ever there for her? Does she think a spark lasts forever? Is a spark more important than a spouse that loves you and your children? Does she think YOU still feel a spark for her? What does she think life be like if she gets a divorce?

4)Don"t keep telling her she has ADD and she needs help. It will only make her mad.

5) Try to help her find ways to stimulate her brain/mind/body in healthy ways ie go to a gym with her, vacations, etc. New is stimulating. However, don't let her bait you into an arguments. ADHD people find arguments stimulating also. Hopefully the new forms of stimulation will keep her happier and she won't focus on you.

6) Keep reading and connecting with support groups like this.Dont give up.


I dont know if you have heard of Dr Laura Schlessinger she is on the radio and has many books on morality and behavior. Her advice to women like your wife that call her show is usually like this "I don't care what you feel, you made a baby, and you have an obligation to do what is best for the baby, regardless of how you "feel". What is best for the baby is to grow up in an intact family with a father and mother. When your youngest is 18, you can file for a divorce." I have listened for so many years I can fill in as her double! You can listen to a live show on the net at her website.

How old is your other child? Is he/she ADD or ADHD? Often a parent finds out about themself through their childs diagnosis. I hate to bring up the possibility...but could there be someone else?

Last piece of advice...actually my best advice: Don't ever look like your life is crumbling even if it feels like it. People that want a divorce, look for reasons to justify their behavior/attitude. They are like animals that smell fear. It makes them more vicious and they'll want to go in for the kill. If you cry or beg, she may think of you as wimpy and feel even less in love. Remember New is Stimulating for her. So shock her with your calm inner strength. Think cool, calm, strong. Its really attractive to women. It works great! Please trust me on this!!!

Hope some of this helps.

Thanks, Moxee! I tend not to agree too much with Dr. Laura, but in this case, I must admit I think she's right on target. As for my wife, there's this "mindset" she's got. I chalk it up to the overfocusing, but I sense there's an agenda underneath. I don't believe there's anyone else - just the potential of someone else, and that's new and exciting for her. Very enticing. (I'm not ADD, but even I can admit that after 9 years the idea of New is stimulating - :) I have not yet told her I think it's the ADD. I'm working with our counselor on how to do just that. Ultimately, it's her choice. She can accept her responsibility to me, to our kids (our daughter is almost 2), to our marriage, or she can turn and walk away. She knows what I want, she just doesn't believe it's possible.

Thanks for your support and I will keep reading and posting!

My god - this is exactly what i am going through. I do not know what to do anymore either. Sorry I am of no help - i can only offer sympathy.
My man is also undiagnosed. He tells me the same thing - I don't love you one minute and then extremely affectionate the next. I am going crazy. I have tried everything - tough love - unconditional love- nothing works.
This is a weird afflication. So very tough on the partner. My heart goes out to you.

dianne: I wouldn't presume to offer a diagnosis, much less a diagnosis based on 1 sentence of info, but the whole "I don't love you one minute, affectionate the next" sounds more like borderline personality than ADD.