View Full Version : Married but unsure


Issy12385
10-04-11, 09:29 PM
Hello,

I have not posted on here in quite sometime but I figured that somewhere out there someone is in a similiar situation.

My husband and I have been married for two years, together just shy of 6 years. We have two children together (3 and 1). He loves me very much, and though we have had our share of ups and downs, I have never doubted his love for me.

I, on the other hand, cannot say that I love him like he loves me. We are complete polar opposites. I fear growing old, sitting in a room with him and having nothing to talk about aside from the weather.

I often feel trapped and alone, though he is an amazing dad and such a great man, I often feel as though I settled. I know in my heart, if I had not gotten pregnant the first time (which ended in miscarriage) that I would not have stayed with him.

I am just not sure how to rekindle the flame.. furthermore I am not even sure if there was ever a flame to begin with.

_Confused_!

Bluerose
10-05-11, 10:03 AM
It’s quite normal to feel like that from time to time; wondering if you are missing something. The only way to find out if this is what you want is for you both to sit down and have a heart to heart. It does no one any good if even one partner begins to think they might have made a mistake. Talk to each other. It’s the only answer.

sarahsweets
10-05-11, 10:15 AM
I felt that way years ago in another relationship prior to my husband. I struggled with the thought of being alone vs sticking it out. Subconsciously I think I always knew I would never marry him but coming to that conclusion was not easy and involved some deep discussions with this guy to realize it wasn't working for me.

ADDisme2010
10-05-11, 01:27 PM
Your happiness should not be dependant on another person. We each are responsible for our own happiness, you need to find that for yourself.
Are you happy with yourself outside of the relationship you are in??
I tend to believe that in the majority of relationships, there is one person who loves more than the other.
Also agree with the other posters, communication your thoughts and feelings with
one another is key here.

String
10-05-11, 01:31 PM
Part of the "chemistry" comes from what you invest into the relationship.

Be yourself. Do things for yourself. Don't be boring. Don't grow old talking about the weather. Don't feel bad about the differences between you and your husband (even so-called "soul mates" have major differences in their personalities). BUT...

Try to find some amazingly simple, cool ways that you can make him smile. Figure out a few things that you can do -- with your own heart and personality and your own individuality -- to make him feel secure and loved. You'll be surprised at what this does to your chemistry, to your own feelings for him.

AddaptAbilities
10-05-11, 02:10 PM
Part of the "chemistry" comes from what you invest into the relationship.

Be yourself. Do things for yourself. Don't be boring. Don't grow old talking about the weather. Don't feel bad about the differences between you and your husband (even so-called "soul mates" have major differences in their personalities). BUT...

Try to find some amazingly simple, cool ways that you can make him smile. Figure out a few things that you can do -- with your own heart and personality and your own individuality -- to make him feel secure and loved. You'll be surprised at what this does to your chemistry, to your own feelings for him.

I agree completely. My partner and I are going through an extremely difficult period, and we're in counseling. The clinic we found uses the Gottman method (http://gottman.com/54756/About-Gottman-Method-Couples-Therapy.html). John Gottman is a PhD in clinical psychology, and he's spent the last few decades putting couples in a room (sometimes for a whole weekend), observing how they interact, and then following them for the next several years. He found that couples who stayed together had many more positive interactions than negative ones (our therapist said that when these couples interacted, 87% of them were positive). They were also able to remove negativity from their conflicts so they didn't degenerate into fights.

The counseling sessions are supposed to start by building up the positive things in the relationship. This allows the couple to rekindle the spark in a flat relationship, and lay a foundation of positive interactions before moving on to conflict resolution (which is much more difficult).

That being said, after telling us all this, our therapist decided to use our first session to address a major area of conflict in my relationship. It turned out to be pretty damaging. It might have been worth it, except that no new revelations came to light; my husband just rehashed the things we've been working on all month, only much more harshly.

Anyway, if you want to try counseling, it's supposed to be a pretty good method. I would only advise that if your therapist wants to delve into conflict at your first session, that you firmly and politely ask to stick with relationship rebuilding exercises instead.

openmind
10-05-11, 08:22 PM
I was in a similar position. Try counseling, but be honest with yourself and him.
If that doesn't work, at least you tried for the kids sake. I found once I really knew who I was, what made me tick, I can now try to find a person on the same path.

It's not easy with young children. I still feel guilty that I left, but I know it was the right thing for me to do in the long run, rather than keep living a lie.

Crazygirl79
10-05-11, 08:53 PM
Sweetheart firstly I'm sorry to hear of your situation and secondly you really need to sit down and think about what YOU want and what is right for YOU in the long run.

This is hard as people will get hurt either way when you think about it, hubby will get hurt if you leave him and he is also likely to get hurt if you stay there because he will eventually catch on that you may not love him as much as he loves you and in a way thats not fair to him or to yourself, seriously why live a lie that can hurt so many people including yourself??

I think the other posters have given great advice here.

I hope everything works out for you and your family.

Selena