Hi there gals. This will be a long vent because I've had this going on in my head for awhile. So, please bear with me. :rolleyes: I know I'm new around here and more of a lurker than a poster, but I've had all I can stand and I just need to get it out!

I have a husband and 3 kids. One dog, Maggie. A tank-full of fish. A 35-hour a week "cake" job. And I can't keep up.

My baby, Aiden, is 7 months old. My daughter Lexi, the drama queen, is 4 1/2. My sweet oldest son Allen is 13 and tries to be a help to me, but he has Aspergers Syndrome and with it his own issues of focus. My husband, John, is a very intelligent and patient man, but can be a little lazy sometimes and is fed up with me.

Most of my days start out like this: Get up about 5 am, nurse baby (I'm breastfeeding), go back to bed. Sleep until 6:30 when 1st alarm goes off. Too exhausted to get up, I re-set it for 7. Get up at 7, get kids ready for school/preschool/child care. John helps out some. Mainly he sees his jobs as helping Lexi get her shoes on and holding the baby so I can take a shower. I have long given up having nice clothes that require ironing and wearking makeup, and I recently cut off my hair and dyed it it's natural color so when the roots grow in no one will notice. I just don't have time for personal maintenence any more! (We won't even go into the last time I shaved my legs! LOL) I don't eat breakfast, I give my kids cold cereal or pop tarts, and for some reason all this still takes over two hours. So, we rush out the door, I drop off the kids late, I'm cussing and crying because I hate to be late.

Then I get to the office. I have stacks of work that I don't even know what they are 1/2 the time. I used to be the most responsible person, but since coming back from maternity leave I can't get myself straight. My work is suffering, my co-workers hate me, I keep forgetting meetings and reports, my office is a mess! I'm miserable here! I want to quit, I just feel so stressed out that I could die! But, hubby won't let me, says that we depend on my income. He does all the finances because I can't do numbers or remember to pay bills on time. I estimated last night that we could live on his salary and have 1,000 left over each month. He came home this morning and paid bills and complained that we are broke! I just don't get it!

So, I get off work at 3:00 and rush to get my daughter from preschool (they charge a $5 late fee when you pick up your child after 3:15. They love me because I buy books and toys and snacks instead of paying up the $5.) She's usually one of the last kids to leave, and she always seems so happy to see me when I pick her up. I get the baby and rush home.

Now, I'm exausted, I've missed my kids all day, and I need to unwind. But I have to cook dinner and do all the other "Mommy" chores like laundry and dishes and help with homework. Think I get all that done? Nope. My house looks like a disaster area. It is very cluttered, there's always a sink-full of dishes waiting on me, and I can't let the baby crawl on the kitchen floor because I can't remember the last time it was mopped. Hubby works 3rd shifts: 7 days on, 7 off. Which means he is either at home and sitting around, or at work or tired and grouchy when he is home. On his off weeks he tries to pitch in by holding the baby so I can clean or maybe doing a load of dishes because, "Somebody has to!"

I work very hard trying to get some semblence of normalcy in the house. Then, I find myself wanting to isolate from everyone and destress by sitting on the computer for hours at a time playing my computer game. Hubby gets very angry when I do that and says that I'm addicted and I need to stop playing the game and get more housework done. So I feel even more guilty.

I have my kids on a strict bedtime schedule because if I didn't they'd be up all night watching Cartoon Network and playing Nintendo. By Nine, Lexi is in bed, Allen is in the shower, and Aiden is bathed, fed, and being rocked. Sometimes he will cooperate and let me put him to bed before 10. Some nights, he is up until after midnight. He's getting better, because for a long time he couldn't go to sleep without seeing David Letterman. LOL So I rock and sing and nurse and beg and wrestle with a stubborn baby who wants to crawl into the kitchen or chase the dog around the house. When Hubby is home he plays on the comptuer or watches TV and grouses because he wants some "quality time" with Mommy, too. (You'd think since I'd stopped shaving my legs he wouldn't. . . LOL LOL)

I can't do this anymore!! I can't go on feeling so inadequate and so depressed. I hate my life!! When I sit back and look at all this I've typed it sounds like the typical "mommy" day and that I'm whining for nothing. But I feel so very much pulled and guilty and crazy and stupid because I can't do this! I was doing okay before the baby, but now my life is a total train-wreck! Oh, don't get me wrong, I have always had focus problems, and my house has never looked like Hazel the Maid has touched it. But only recently did I decide to get some help for my ADD becuase my life has become so unmanagable. I'm not sure if my husband even supports me on that: he won't really read articles and stuff I forward to him on ADD, and he makes little comments that really bother me, like, "So when are you going to the Doctor to find out how crazy you are," or, "Da__ it, I wish we could get you on ritalin so you could clean this house!" Now, please don't think he's like this all the time, or that he's a mean and selfish man, because he's not. He's just fed up. It's that bad!!

I have known for years that I had ADD, but have been discouraged from getting treatment. My mother really believes that there is no such thing as ADD, that I'm just lazy and I need to pull myself together. I had a heart defect as a child that required surgery, and the doctors told her that my hyperactivity was because of my heart having to work extra-hard to keep up with my body. Anyone ever hear that one? Now, because I have no energy, it's not ADD, because my heard surgery cured that, it's because I'm lazy. So I don't talk to her about my problems. When she calls me, I give her rosey stories and tell her things are great, and how wonderful her grandchildren are. (She's 500 miles from me.)

Okay, I guess that's all I can think of right now. I'm typing this at work, when I should be working. I know there are 3 or 4 tasks I could get to, but as usual I'm procrastinating until 3:00 when I can go home. Plus, like I said, this is really bothering me. I was downright mean to my husband today, and I want to get it out of my system before I go home and we have a huge hairy argument.

Sorry it's so long and boring.

I can totally relate to you. My children are now 8,10, and 12 and I am divorced from their father. They spend 3 nights a week with their father and my husband and I have those nights to ourselves!! YEA! Because my kids are in school everyday and gone three nights a week the house doesn't get as messy as it used to and I have a housecleaner 4 hrs a week. I guess it doesn't sound like I should be able to relate to you but when my children were young my life was so difficult and I was so depressed. My ex never once changed a diaper, bathed a baby, ocasionally he would hold a baby while I took a shower but when I would open the curtain he would be standing there holding the baby out to me, I could barely towel off before I had to take the baby. He was an alcoholic who would go hang with his buddies and drink after work, never spending time with me or the kids. When I gave birth to my 3rd my oldest was 4. My house was a mess, I am embarassed now at how bad it was, but I did the best I could at the time. I just found out this year that I had add, I have innattentive type and was always so tired, I had never been hyperactive so it never occured to me that I had add/adhd. I look back at that time in my life and just want to cry, and I feel guilty that I feel that way. But it DOES get better!! Try to get everyone to bed earlier - put the baby to bed and make him learn to fall asleep by himself, it is hard for a week or so but so worth it in the long run. You need some time for yourself and your husband. It is so important not to put your relationship with him last, having parents with a healthy loving relationship is the best gift you can give your kids. (This coming from someone who learned the hard way).

I now find myself walking around in stores and see harried mother's with young kids hanging on them, I just smile and pat myself on the back and thank God that I survived it. Then I go get a cup of coffee and leisurely finish looking through the stores before I meet a friend for lunch. I could never have even imagined that I would someday be able to do that, but the day will come.

You will survive too, somehow, I promise.....

P.S. I do work full time, I edit audiobooks and do it from a recording studio in our home so I am able to work evenings or when the kids aren't here.

You're singin' my song, sister!:)

Do you have $ to hire a house cleaner? If so, do it and don't look back. You deserve it!

Paper plates work just as well as the others.

How about Dad's responsible for dinner when he's off? And, if he doesn't do it, it's take-out time. His choice.

You're carrying much more than your share of the load, ADD or not. If no one in the family can/will/does assume some of the chores, then hire them out if you can afford it.

If you can't afford it, then you need to sit down for a heart-to-heart with your husband and show him your post. Something's got to give.

{{{{Hugs to you}}}}........ I have 2 kids and a job,I've been where you are. My kids are 9 and 14 1/2 now, which in it self has been very good for me. I feel freer and so much less overwhelmed.

Way back, I stopped working as much. Stopped the worthless feeling I had over my house being a mess(well,I still do but it's not so bad). For me I had to stop allowing my husband to do nothing to help out around the house and letting him make me feel badly about myself that I wasn't a good " house wife" which I never signed up for in the first place. I stopped allowing my husband to say "it's a women's job"....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :mad:

You do have alot going on...... I wish I had an answer..... Just know your not alone is all I can say to you.

hope you find the answer

Paula

I'm not married or a mom..Unfortunatly:( but just reading what ya posted...DAMN I would be frustrated too...and hubby needs good swift kick in de butt and needs to help out more....but in relationship....talking just seams like u are beating dead horse! Some on both sides men and women.Just my 2 cents about that.

Ohhh sweetie! I have been where you are once. My kids are 15, 16, and 22, All three kids have ADHD including me. What a time I had.

Would your husband object to your working part time? Hugs to you.

Clare is right. You need to have a heart to heart with hub. Show him the post......that is the true you how you really feel kind of post. Maybe then he will see what you go through.

Absolutely yes on the house cleaner!! They are not that much money compared to what you are going through. I was staying at home with my babies for a few years and I still had a hard time with the house. If you husband disagrees, then you can say that maybe he needs to do his fair share of household chores.

SHTOP SHTOP!!!

Try this:

1. HUGS
2. bubble bath
3. warm cozy robe and slippers
4. cocoa
5. big sigh

Not everyone fits the conventional marriage responsibility division, and it always seems that women end up dealing with the emotional side of the family, the house and the kids, maybe a job as well and it doesn't always work.

You get it, but does your hubbie? Somehow things need to be renegotiated!!

Hope you get the relief you need reeaaallly soon!

Wow! you are amazing!You are doing A LOT! I don't even do a quarter of what you do and I feel pooped a lot.

I was going to suggest the same thing that someone else said....get a maid or cut back your hours.

If it'll be world war III to ask your husband about cutting back, just tell him you had no choice! You went in one day and BAM! they told you that business is slow yada yada and you have to take a cut in your hours...so now you work only 16 ;) Next time he says "Da__ it, I wish we could get you on ritalin so you could clean this house!" say " Great idea. I wonder if some Viagra would help you earn some more money?":p

Sound to me like you've got 2 full-time jobs and your husband one. Division of labor sounds mandatory, but if not possible outside help for the housework will help.

Maybe if you show your husband that by quitting or reducing your job you would be able to save money (cost of clothes, gas, car, sitter fees, inefficient shopping, housekeeper, etc.) he wouldn't be so resistant to the idea. It's amazing how often, when you sit down and calculate it out, that there's really only a few dollars more for the family at the end of the day from a second income. Is the price you all pay worth it? He could think about whether he'd rather have a clean house, or go to the movies with the little it of extra cash, for example. Sometimes we just can't have it all.

It's also important to remember that nothing is permanent. If you quit or reduce your hours now, you can bump it up again when the little ones are all in school.

I can only agree with the comments above, that it will get better. Eventually, you will get enough sleep and the chaos will settle. Keep talking to your husband. Good communication is soooo important.

Good luck! Vent any time. It helps.

Kim

Next time he says "Da__ it, I wish we could get you on ritalin so you could clean this house!" say " Great idea. I wonder if some Viagra would help you earn some more money?":p

LMAO! That is too funny! I wish I could have thought up quickie, funny little replies when my ex-husband freaked out! I would just look at him and tell him to hush, things will get better.

;) Next time he says "Da__ it, I wish we could get you on ritalin so you could clean this house!" say " Great idea. I wonder if some Viagra would help you earn some more money?":p
ROFLMAO!!!!! That is too funny and too true!

1. Work part time
2. Just because you can't crunch the numbers doesn't mean you shouldn't have a say in the finances. You would probably save lots of money without childcare/preschool. (trust me as a home school Mom, preschool is letters, colors, coloring, reading stories and playing, it's not brain surgery) You have a say in the finances and he doesn't get to hoard it. Put your foot down on that one.
4. Train that boy. (I quote this from my male therapist!) Give him a chore list. You are a partnership and you are not his mother.

I am totally identifying with you girlfriend, I'm in the same boat...the chore list is now on the refrigerator! With this many people telling you the same thing, I think you know what you need to do and can go to your husband with calm confidence. You're not whining and this is not OK. Change it quick, before you have a breakdown.

Wow, you guys are great! Thanks for all the great advice. I did have the heart-to-heart about me quitting. We did a budget, and he showed me that we do need my income. OUr child care costs are not that bad: Our sitter is only part-time because hubby keeps the baby on his "off" weeks, and preschool is free though the school system because my daughter had speech delays. I think that I will start doing the "chore list", though. He really, really thinks he helps. He can't see that he's not. He just sees the house is dirty and hears me complaining. He comes from a long line of slobs: I hear this same complaint from my Sister-in-law about John's brother, and every time we visit his mother and sister we have to wade through toys and mess to find a place to sit down. Thanks y'all for being so supportive. And I'll remember the Viagra comment and save it for later! :P

ROTFLMAO @ Viagra!!!!! Ick..the slob line...I think they sometimes they do see they are not helping but their pride keeps them from admitting it and they have no conscience about it because they convince themselves they are right.

Hang in there!!! I don't work outside the home, but four kids and a hubby are all I can handle!! :D I'm so glad you're talking with your husband about where you're at...in any relationship, you have got to be honest with each other!! No matter where it goes after that, you know that you were heard and understood. :)

did you realise that you have a terrific talent at writing! If you turned your daily drama that you wrote above into a skit, you could probably sell it to a playwrite, it would make a great monologue. But apart from that - I totally relate - but take heart as the kids get older it will get a little easier. Tiredness in the early years makes it all so much harder to cope with.

i only have one child (he just turned four) and i did stay at home w/ him for the first year. unfortunately i did not cope with the unstructured time well at all, and i had postpartum deppression and i didn't even know it. i lived w/ my mother in law at the time for about a year, my husband i had just moved b/c his company is in houston, and we were still looking for a home when we arrived and he started working immediately. we finally had a house built. during this time i was going nuts but i couldn't let my son be taken care of by anyone else. i sometimes look back and wonder..did i do ok with my son back then????
sometimes even now, three years later, i see my son's little pudgy baby face from memory, wanting for me to hold him and i would say ..you need to play right now baby..b/c i just needed a break. don't get me wrong, i did hold him and i am extremely loving and affectionate with him and i was a natural when he was born. but i couldn't do anything BUT. we had the upstairs floor of my mother in law's house and i kept the door shut so they wouldn't notice the mess. i kept my son's room pretty decent..but my room was a disaster. i had a lot of stuff that i had no storage for b/c it was temporary..and my husband would get a bit frustrated with me about the chaos. finally my mother in law, b/c she was picking up my son out of his crib, had to take him into our restroom and she noticed that it looked like a bomb went off.
there was mildew in the shower....she had a talk w/ us and my husbands father in law, and she said it was evident she was going to have to hire a maid service. she actually cleaned the entire bathroom to my absolute embarrassment. she said firmly but nicely (she's a fabulous mother in law) "i know that i don't like messes very much, but i can handle that, but i cannot stand mildew. thats where i draw the line"

i just started CRYING i was sooooo ashamed of myself it was like all the years of feeling like a freak of nature and how could i be female and ASIAN (i'm half asian) and still not be able to get it together for simple cleaning????

i was overwhelmed thinking about what i could make for dinner for the whole family all day..looking up recipes, leaving the house too late to pick up groceries , which i had to plan around my son's nap of course...and rushing home to clean up whatever mess i had in the downstairs area and frantically start making dinner. i felt that i had to 'do' something or else they would think i was a major lazy ssa.
i started working, and it made me feel horrible to drop my son off at school. even for two hours! he cried and clinged to me and it made me cry every single time. i had to force myself to be brusque and tell him"its time for mommy to leave, you will be just fine.." and walk away quickly
i don't know how you handle all that stuff you're doing...i go to school and work fulltime and have one child. and that itself is tough and i have a really supportive husband.
your husband i'm sure loves you , but geez, he sounds pretty high in the insensitive area.
something definitely has to give...for you that is. you need a break, you need to reassess, you need to find a way to make all of this work for you so that your kids get what they need too..
i think quitting work would be your best bet.
i know how it is to be broke and stay at home. but this is the sacrafice mothers make to do that. the vast majority of mothers can choose to stay at home w/ their kids
given some sacrifice , whether that be cable, two cars, cell phones, credit cards, etc.
good luck to you!
and i hope that you're getting more help...