View Full Version : To my Lover~


Lostmyshoe
10-10-11, 06:52 PM
So you want to know what it is like?
Really wanna?
Still learning myself how to bring it pivotal, that turn and squeak
of a loud wheel rummaging ideas in motion
They say adhd is this and that but... let me tell you
it is so much more
and you cannot speak of it like a house or a car because
those things aren't a part of your skin
like cancer or warts or freckles
No you see, it for me is kind of like this
It is the half of me I never knew I had
that cannot be cut out or separated into a white juncture
with black letters on top
It is the self that morality and culture despised
before realizing we were not related
It is the years that I have had
undiagnosed with a disability
and diagnosed with shame
for me to shelf without dignity


Do you want to know what it is like?
Really want to?
It is embarrassing hoping people can just love you for you
without another assessment of how you fall short
of the glory, their glory of love
and what it is all meant to be


I am very passionate about my life and what I give
Adhd cannot take that away from me
In fact, I am a lion, hear me roar
Every impulse and passion, every damn creative way I show you
every moment captured in thoughts of you
every touch that leaves me depleted because I gave you it all
with a fierce, sanctimonious longing
of you and only you
I am that committed to be the fool here
with what I have and with what I don't

Do you want to know what it is like for me sometimes?
I struggle
I've been beaten down with labels
It would have been easier to be blind or deaf
because then people adjust and understand
they react differently...
But I cannot blame anyone for what they did not know
just like I did not know either
And sometimes you have to take to first move
towards understanding yourself


I know now why Christianity failed me
in the sub culture of gender
And I know now why the medical profession failed me
in the sub culture of diagnostics
And I know why I failed myself
in the sub culture of whatever culture exists at my time of living
it is because
voices like ours were late to understand
anything at all
about our own significance
and what it was worth to question anything further


I do have adhd
I've lived a life undiagnosed until my 40's
that does not mean it helps
what it does mean is that
I have a starting point all over again
whether you agree or not
and whether you are on board or not
It means I have a chance now
to live a fulfilled life
with all of dreams I want to have
not evading fears or the past but facing it
It means, I am moving forward
with or without you
Because adhd is not all of me
just a part I found in the rubble


Do you want to know what it is like starting over?
It is the hopes that you will forgive the reconstruction of self concept
and I will forgive you for fighting so long to get noticed in inappropriate ways
and myself, for causing that injustice on your behalf
I accept the blame
I accept the responsibility
I should have just told you long ago
How worthless I felt without you
for right or wrong
And I should have given you more
outside of yourself to hold onto
But before now, I was afraid of me


I am a lioness, hear me call your name
Whatever I am and with whatever diagnosis
you or me or the people have
I know my place and where I belong
by the heart's intuitive race to what is important
Do you want to know what it is like falling in love this way?
Even after 6 years it is like,
being ashamed that I cannot give you more,
and thinking every moment how I can give you more
and not having the words to say to really express that
yet left to a longing
of hoping you understand me enough
know me enough to realize
your intuition about me is correct
that I love you like crazy
and like no one else
and can't help myself from doing so


Adhd cannot stop me from that
but it can
make misunderstandings
and it can
be open to misinterpretation
and it can
force me to stop
and know my own vulnerability with you
but I will not take that for granted love
no, I will not
ever
minimize its effect on you


So I will have to love you better
I am always open to loving you better~