View Full Version : Rebuilding my social life


PinkRoxy
10-11-11, 03:55 PM
One thing I would like to change in my life is rebuilding my social life and making friends and doing lots of fun things with them.

I am going to see someone in two weeks to put me on a therapist but there is this lady doctor at the hospital that is going to help me with managing my anxiety and hopefully social situatons will be easier. But there is still one issue that worries me and that is the making friends part I have feelings that people wont like me and then I cant maintain friends. How do I get over feeling like that and what if it happens then my fears are revealed and it will set me back.

Does anyone feel this way? or have any advice for me on how to overcome this?

sarek
10-11-11, 04:03 PM
What makes you fear that people would not like you? I have this very strong feeling that people will like you a lot.
I know where this kind of fear comes from, but its something that your own mind is trying to make you believe. It is not based on anything in reality. Perhaps trying to combat your thoughts by being mindful of what they are and where they are coming from may help you.

PinkRoxy
10-11-11, 04:16 PM
I think its because when I was younger and if I got too excited in social situations I would come across as hyper and too annoying, oversocial and people would get annoyed at me for it. I do recognise it in myself now at times, but I just become withdrawn and go quiet when people get annoyed.

I need a balance I need to be not withdrawn and quiet but then I need to not be hyper and over the top with it either. I know I can do it if I put the effort in but my happiness and enjoyment is more hyperactiveness and it annoys people.

When I go somewhere new or start somewhere new I always try and be as quiet as I can because if I get over excited and happy then I will be embarrassing and hyper and then noone will like me because I am annoying. I really dont like myself and I think I am now socially anxious because of this.

Then it can go the opposite too when I am tired or feeling unwell my brain cant function and social interactions is too much of an effort and I am unalert and feel like I want to crawl into a dark room and hybernate because my mind just feels too exhausted to cope with anything.

I do have social awkardness too due to anxiety and I just want to run from the room crying because I feel so awkward and I make mistakes because I am having a silent panic attack inside and things just dont flow normally.

There you go I described three different ways I dont fit in socially and it really bugs me, I dont know what to do or take to get rid of these feelings so I can socialise normally I am going to tell the psychologist and I am undiagnosed ADHD at the moment too.

scars
10-11-11, 04:53 PM
This sounds like me.
Just remember not everyone is going to like you or everything you do. You really have no control over that. But if that holds you back from being you, then you wont find the people who do like you. You have to make enemies to make friends sometimes. The ADHD drugs will help you concentrate on the conversation but it will not fix this.

I still struggle with this. Good luck.

PinkRoxy
10-11-11, 05:28 PM
Thanks Scars

Yeah I think my confidence has knocked me back a bit.
There are people I can be myself around and then there are ones that I cant. Sometimes I find people that I can just click with but then I always end up losing contact with them I guess that is my fault though.

anonymouslyadd
10-11-11, 06:54 PM
One thing I would like to change in my life is rebuilding my social life and making friends and doing lots of fun things with them.

How do I get over feeling like that and what if it happens then my fears are revealed and it will set me back.

When I was separated from my now ex-wife, I did not have any friends. None. I was pretty lonely.

I was given advice to find friends and people, whom I could do many different things with. The same person told me to me to not look for perfection. In the end, I literally had to force myself to talk to someone, who is currently my best friend.

I went up to her one day and asked her if she wanted to watch a movie with me.

I think the only way you will overcome that feeling is to challenge it. You defeat the worry through action. The worry may be there until you have established a few small successes.

Seek people who you have something in common with. It could be something like being a neighbor. It could be a love of sports. It might be a favorite hobby.

Rebelyell
10-11-11, 07:03 PM
Im the same way.now at 36 I will soon be seeing a counselor who can maybe help me deal w school issues that havent gone away and have become apart of me.I dont know how to be anymore and having so little friendships/social outing I have contemplated and thought of just ending it many many times.I dont have any answers but lonliness really really sucks.

PinkRoxy
10-12-11, 12:41 AM
I really connected with a girl around my age who came to my work and worked for a few months she was really quiet and kind of kept to herself. But we did alot of shifts together because some work mates went on holiday at the time so it was me and her that picked up most of the shifts and we spent most of the time together, I felt like I connected to her so well. The best thing too is that she didnt mind silent moments just as much as I didnt both arent very big talkers but our conversation use to flow naturally all the time.

We then had fun and use to laugh at things and I really missed her when she left she is on my facebook but that is all we dont really keep in contact she has moved away and lives about two hours away anyway.

grape_ninja
10-12-11, 02:00 AM
Just be open and be yourself.... some people will like you and some won't. I have a lot of personal experience with this one. And then we get up and move on and do it again.

Last month I started seeing a new counselor we haven't spent time on this one but there is work to be done here. You are not in this boat alone.

Get your friends phone number call her I bet she would be happy as you talking to her, use your digits push the little buttons. Then it goes ring ring.

anonymouslyadd
10-12-11, 08:27 AM
We then had fun and use to laugh at things and I really missed her when she left she is on my facebook but that is all we dont really keep in contact she has moved away and lives about two hours away anyway.


Can you talk to her on the telephone and reconnect? She might be missing you as you missed her.

PinkRoxy
10-13-11, 01:10 AM
Can you talk to her on the telephone and reconnect? She might be missing you as you missed her.

Maybe I could fb her or text her I guess.

Redrightnow
10-13-11, 05:37 PM
Pink-- that's a perfect place to start-- with your former co-worker.

I am no expert (the understatement of that is making me laugh, even as I write it out) but I've been working really hard on "friendship" for the past year and a half.

Practice being attentive to her life-- ask how things are going, etc. Maybe you could plan to meet a couple of times a year at a half-way point for an afternoon-- lunch or tea and chat?

I have a former neighbor that's similar-- we actually didn't have much in common. I just liked her and noticed we'd laugh at the same things, etc. She friended me on fb-- thru the other neighbors and one day I sent her a pm and said, "Would you like to meet for coffee and catch up sometime?"

So now I classify her as a "friend", and really, the interaction is not huge, but it's enough.

I don't know about you, but I am so 2-speed (ALL! or nothing...) that I have to really work and remind myself that there are all sorts of friendships to have.

I tended to weigh everyone against a standard of how well they would fit into the "friendship circle" I had in my mind, instead of "is there a circle near me that I could step into and be friends with this person?" Does that make sense?

Good luck to you! It's happening for me, slowly but surely. I have more compartmentalized friends now-- a friend I do cultural things with (go to the galleries, etc). There are a couple of moms whose kids hang out with my kids who I will meet for coffee regularly-- even though they are VERY unlike me. I actually told them about my adhd recently and we had a very good conversation. I have another group of women I go out to dinner with every few months.

I still feel like the perimeter person, mostly-- like I'm probably not invited every time. But it gives me a social outlet and I figure it's good practice! Still have hope of finding that tribe.:)

miranda99
10-27-11, 11:22 PM
I also have that trouble being either too overbearing and annoying or just really withdrawn for fear of being annoying. I blurt out stupid things in my "annoying" phases and worry I've offended them, or people think I'm a snob or ignoring them when I'm in my "withdrawn" phases.

I beat myself up so much after this kind of thing that I am too embarrassed to contact people again. Anyway, I know I should not beat myself up so much, but it is hard, like you've said.

I do agree that you should contact your former co-worker though. I'll bet she'd love to hear from you, and she sounds like a good friend to have.

adhdseeker
10-29-11, 02:03 AM
ugh, i feel similarly as a lot of people on here, especially miranda99.
i was curious -- does anyone on here take Adderall or other drugs, and how does this help or hurt these kinds of social issues? I am afraid that the adderall causes me to withdraw, more, and to be more quiet and in my head when with other people.
the adderall really makes me feel as though i "stick out," but i think it is just because it makes what is going on in my head more intense, so then i figure i am coming off more intensely (i.e. too intense) to other people as well. i take a low dose, so i don't think i'm taking too much.
but i really feel caught between a rock and hard place on this one. i want to make more friends, but there is always a lot going on in my head -- i think social anxiety. if i didn't have social anxiety i don't think there would be as many thoughts in my head and i think i could talk normally with someone.

i am just really trying to appreciate the people that ARE in my life. and be thankful for that.
this stuff can get me depressed sometimes, but i just tell myself not to give up, and that i can learn something from all of this.
it's really comforting to know that other people go through the same thing. thank you to everyone for sharing your experience.

mainly, i hope i do what i need to do to put myself in situations to meet more people. that seems to be the hardest for me. i have learned to dislike it, because i expect to leave not feeling very good about myself. this kind of thought pattern is dangerous cus then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. so i am going to work hard to try to change this.

i think it is true that i simply need to get over the fact that not everyone is going to like me, and keep putting myself out there. it's true -- there's nothing to loose.

VelvetTiger
10-29-11, 03:04 AM
I think it's hard nowadays because people have the option to "hide" behind various types of media. For example, when I was in college, I was a phone QUEEN. I had a great neon Conair phone that lit up when it rang and had a clear shell so you could see the bell and all the wires. I loved that thing, until I cleaned it with rubbing alcohol one day and it went dead. But I had all my friends' numbers written down in my Japanese address book, and we'd call each other and talk for hours. If I missed a call, I'd always call right back. Today, I'm lucky if people return my text or I return theirs after a few days! Among people I know who are frankly not very good friends, it's considered acceptable to not return an e-mail for 2-3 weeks. Sh*t, I had a pen pal in HS to whom I wrote letters (handwritten or typed) and I got replies faster than that!

As mentioned in an earlier post, I felt Facebook wasn't working for me. But later this week, I started messing around with the privacy settings, dropping people I wasn't close to, and posting more intimate things, and it feels a lot better. So if you like or use Facebook and I'll assume because of your age, you do that's a good place to start. I found two great Halloween parties through there already and just got back from one tonight. Hopefully, I'll have enough stamina for tomorrow's it is just the salve I need to soothe the sores of being asked to resign.

My fiancee and I also like to go to this lesbian bar that hosts a new-wave night on Saturdays. The crowd is older (30s and 40s) and we've made a lot of casual friends there. Next step is to invite people to our house. I don't know if you like clubs or large, "hopping" bars, but I need that balance of being very hyperactive and flitting around, talking to new people, and hiding away in the corner for awhile due to sensory overload. This place is perfect for that. Other people I know like those old-man bars where you just grab a cheap beer, put a few dollars in the jukebox, perch on a stool, and start gabbing away to the person next to you. And if you don't want to talk or want to play darts instead you can do that, too. When I was single, I lived by an old-man bar. It was pretty awesome.

billa138
10-29-11, 07:20 PM
One thing I would like to change in my life is rebuilding my social life and making friends and doing lots of fun things with them.

I am going to see someone in two weeks to put me on a therapist but there is this lady doctor at the hospital that is going to help me with managing my anxiety and hopefully social situatons will be easier. But there is still one issue that worries me and that is the making friends part I have feelings that people wont like me and then I cant maintain friends. How do I get over feeling like that and what if it happens then my fears are revealed and it will set me back.

Does anyone feel this way? or have any advice for me on how to overcome this?

i completely understand. I can get too excited at times and I can be ashamed of myself at times. Its a vicious circle. Your afraid of being yourself. I still have problems with this but am a lot better now. Its low self esteem and probably hsp

shantz51
11-02-11, 04:25 AM
What you need to realize, as I have, is that the word selfish is a scam. While you do need to be mindful of other people, you and your happiness comes first. If people do not like you for who you are you need to find new friends. How? Find some hobbies that you can participate in publicly (rec sports (hockey, soccer, yoga, etc..), crafts, etc.) and you will naturally meet friends. Even if your relationship is only based on the activity you are doing at first it will create a bond between the two of you that will eventually evolve into a greater friendship.

I used to be a "pleaser" and until I started living for myself I was never truly happy.

billa138
11-03-11, 09:58 PM
What you need to realize, as I have, is that the word selfish is a scam. While you do need to be mindful of other people, you and your happiness comes first. If people do not like you for who you are you need to find new friends. How? Find some hobbies that you can participate in publicly (rec sports (hockey, soccer, yoga, etc..), crafts, etc.) and you will naturally meet friends. Even if your relationship is only based on the activity you are doing at first it will create a bond between the two of you that will eventually evolve into a greater friendship.

I used to be a "pleaser" and until I started living for myself I was never truly happy.

I like your view...