I thought this may interest some of you with PTSD. I had a very good therapist after one of my trauma's [the worst one] happened.

I was witness to the murder of my own child; a mere baby of 4 months old, and the light of my life.

Prior to this, I was an extremely abused child who was raped as a virgin and carried a child from that rape to term, so trauma was not new to me. Through all of this I became very scared of people. Jumpy, no trust......lots of jitters and anxiety attacks; the panic attacks were worse. [All this is apart from the usual flashbacks and nightmares, ect]

I wanted to know why I no longer felt like I trusted the world any more. My Doctor put it like this........He said, when we are born, we all have a completely unconscious, natural, and primitive feeling of safety, rather like a secure bubble that gives us an illusion that 'it can't happen to me'. Once one is exposed to a life threatening trauma, or witnesses the death of a loved one, the illusion of safety is gone forever.

I have grown used to living as I do. I do trust more than I once did, but I'm extremely introverted and very sure that I could happily live as a hermit.;)

Does this make sense to any one else? Do you feel like your safety net has gone forever? I am not intending this to sound as if I made a conscious choice to feel unsafe, I didn't. But I know deep within that things will never be the same.

Any thoughts?
~Viktoria
PS. I'm new here, so hello to everyone on PTSD:)

Victoria,

Hugs woman! I admire your ability to open yourself up and share your experience!
I can relate to your childhood experience and yes I have no trust of anyone either except my children.

Do you have children?

Because this is the only reason I am looking for answers myself. I could happily go on forever without ever caring about exposing my mental war wounds. Hoping that it will help me be a better mother and the fact I've been having extreme anger feelings out of seemingly nowhere has driven me to accept help.

I hope you are surrounding yourself with some sort of support net to help you get to where you want to be.
I'd like to congratulate you for surviving what might cause many others to sit rocking in a corner in some institution somewhere.

Welcome to the forums and please share any of the coping strategies you have with us all.

Hi Charlie,

I think I have talked my trauma's out so much with Dr's, that I can do it in a sort of dissociative state. I don't understand this, and I'm not going to even try.......impossible, I think :)

I don't have any children, although my Husband and I have discussed it. I think that after what happened, I became very frightened of babies, thinking that they would be killed whilst in my care. Totally irrational, but I believed it.

As for the 'rocking chair in an institution', well, I did not speak for almost a year after the death of my baby. I have another to thank for bringing me out of that. I was very loved by my then partner; strangely enough I still am, and he continues to be a loving influence in my life. I am adopted, so I had no family to support me through this and few people can understand what that night was like, and most don't want to know, so I don't talk about it often. I seldom talk about it with my Husband as I just don't think he comprehends the depths of pain, but there are times when he is very loving if I get flashback's ect.

After I woke up from my year long sleep, I steeped myself into music and became even more successful in my chosen career. I was greatly encouraged to place the pain into the music, and this worked. I think I can honestly say that music saved my life.

I did have great therapy, but that didn't always hit the right spot for me. I am sure you know what I mean, but some pain is so deep that nothing touches it.

I am unsure as to whether I will ever fully comprehend the feeling of happiness again. I don't think so.

Thank you for your kind words. I do not know your story, but from what I have read so far, I think you are fully aware of the depth of pain I speak of. I am so sorry that you suffered the pain that you did. Some things should NEVER happen.:mad:

I don't see myself as strong, but I see you as strong. :)

~Viktoria

My Doctor put it like this........He said, when we are born, we all have a completely unconscious, natural, and primitive feeling of safety, rather like a secure bubble that gives us an illusion that 'it can't happen to me'. Once one is exposed to a life threatening trauma, or witnesses the death of a loved one, the illusion of safety is gone forever.


This is just so ture


I have grown used to living as I do. I do trust more than I once did, but I'm extremely introverted and very sure that I could happily live as a hermit.;)


I hate going out now, I go out with my children back and forward to school, I go with them ok, But i hate the walk back alone. and I don't really have much of a social life now although im always being asked out by hubby friend etc. i always find some sort of excuse not to go if i can, i no longer feel comfortable with others except for my immediate family


Does this make sense to any one else? Do you feel like your safety net has gone forever? I am not intending this to sound as if I made a conscious choice to feel unsafe, I didn't. But I know deep within that things will never be the same


It makes total sense to me. I was always surround by people in my work and loved every minute of it, i was very social, loved talking to people but things
are so different now i just don't think i will ever feel the same way again

My love, my Beautiful Viktoria,

I will comfort you and hold you tenderly, whenever I see or hear or know you are hurting, I will love you and protect you to the very best I am able, for as long as I live.

All my Love,

Andrei


I thought this may interest some of you with PTSD. I had a very good therapist after one of my trauma's [the worst one] happened.

I was witness to the murder of my own child; a mere baby of 4 months old, and the light of my life.

Prior to this, I was an extremely abused child who was raped as a virgin and carried a child from that rape to term, so trauma was not new to me. Through all of this I became very scared of people. Jumpy, no trust......lots of jitters and anxiety attacks; the panic attacks were worse. [All this is apart from the usual flashbacks and nightmares, ect]

I wanted to know why I no longer felt like I trusted the world any more. My Doctor put it like this........He said, when we are born, we all have a completely unconscious, natural, and primitive feeling of safety, rather like a secure bubble that gives us an illusion that 'it can't happen to me'. Once one is exposed to a life threatening trauma, or witnesses the death of a loved one, the illusion of safety is gone forever.

I have grown used to living as I do. I do trust more than I once did, but I'm extremely introverted and very sure that I could happily live as a hermit.;)

Does this make sense to any one else? Do you feel like your safety net has gone forever? I am not intending this to sound as if I made a conscious choice to feel unsafe, I didn't. But I know deep within that things will never be the same.

Any thoughts?
~Viktoria
PS. I'm new here, so hello to everyone on PTSD:)

I'm also at that point of being accustomed to talking about my past pains. I don't have PTSD flashbacks or anything but I do have anxiety. As a child I was controlled by my agressive manipulative brother. I had no power, it was a sick situation. Dad became gradually more distant & killed himself when I was 10, which oddly wasn't even a big shock to me because he was already pretty much absent from my life by that point and for about as long as I can remember. Anyways I came out not too bad considering.

Thanks for sharing.


Hi Charlie,
I think I have talked my trauma's out so much with Dr's, that I can do it in a sort of dissociative state. I don't understand this, and I'm not going to even try.......impossible, I think :)

I'm also at that point of being accustomed to talking about my past pains. I don't have PTSD flashbacks or anything but I do have anxiety. As a child I was controlled by my agressive manipulative brother. I had no power, it was a sick situation. Dad became gradually more distant & killed himself when I was 10, which oddly wasn't even a big shock to me because he was already pretty much absent from my life by that point and for about as long as I can remember. Anyways I came out not too bad considering.

Thanks for sharing.
Paul, I am sorry you had such a sad childhood. Me too. Highly controlled. But we survived! Well, that's what I like to think. Not everyone who has PTSD has flashbacks, for what it's worth. I don't think that your Father killing himself would have helped at all. You were only 10 years old.......I wish things didn't happen like this. Just because you didn't feel shocked at that time, doesn't mean you weren't affected subconsciously. {Oh, my therapy is showing!} He was still your Father.

From what I know of you, I think you came out just fine. Thanks for sharing this.