View Full Version : Do you ever feel like a?


Rebelyell
10-14-11, 04:06 PM
Convienent friendship like as in when some 1s 1 on 1 they act like there your friend but when there main flings are around they act indifferently towards you?Blow you off,interupt you,not answer your texts or talk to you?Because Im starting to feel like people treat me like a convience friend that its only convient for them when they want or need something and this makes me sad and nuts in the head.I swear Ive been treated like this since I was 4 and now am 36 and Its starting to really dawn on me thats all my friendships ever were.I hope I dont live another 20 years like this if its gonna be this way in my life......

BR549
10-14-11, 04:20 PM
Yup. It really stinks too.

There are people who use other people as a 'convenience'. "You'll do until something better shows up". Many times these have also been the people that will work to befriend you, too. They seek you out for a friendship. They go out of their way to talk to you, include you in plans, start texting or calling you. I don't mean acquaintances. I mean people who I thought I could trust and open up to. People who I invested a lot of time in building a friendship.

I used to think that I had done something wrong when I was treated like that. I see now that these people do this to others, so it's not just me.

Once I can see that a person is like that, I steer clear. I am not a convenience friend for anyone. Either I'm your friend or I'm not. I don't like mind games. I don't have the time to play games and I deserve better than that.

So do you, Rebel. You definitely deserve a friend who is a friend no matter what. Someone you can count on. Someone who knows that they can count on you too. :) You're a good person Rebel. Don't put up with anything or any treatment less than the best.

Rebelyell
10-14-11, 04:35 PM
Its a long story I dont feel like rehashing right now but I hope its not true because its got me feeling very down and not feeling very good about myself.Having a lck of friends to begin w has me hating myself and hating life right now in itself.Every 1s gotta go and no time.When do these people make time when some 1s dead?

danpan
10-14-11, 04:37 PM
Yeah, but it doesn't happen as much as it used to.

I think at some point, I just stopped caring. When situations get boring because I'm not included, I just leave politely. If it becomes a pattern, those people silently lose preference for get-togethers, old friend or not. In the end it seems to balance out. I wind up hanging out with people who appreciate my presence, and when it's convenient for me to finally get back around to the people who didn't, I find their attitudes usually change a bit.

My suggestion would be to treat people appropriately well, then gauge how they view you and treat them accordingly. If they treat you like a fallback, put them in your fallback category. They're nice to have. If they treat you like gold, you better do the same in return, because they're rare.

sarek
10-14-11, 05:01 PM
Yes, many people do this. I know lots of people who worked real hard to stay on my good side as long as they needed something from me but as soon as their lives were back on the rails apparently my good services were no longer needed.

I guess its a fact of life, but it still hurts. I have a feeling nt's are far more likely to pull this kind of stunt than neurodiverse people but there are exceptions both ways so its not so clearcut.

Rebelyell
10-14-11, 05:03 PM
Ive never been treated like gold by really any people,Ive treated people like gold and gone out of my way and sooner or later seemed to get ****** on.

Rebelyell
10-14-11, 05:16 PM
I just dont know what I did to deserve to be treated like this by people?Im not really a bad or malicious person I dont use people or lie or lead people on and honestly I feel like Im the most hated person sometime?Just dont know what I did wrong in life..

peripatetic
10-14-11, 05:17 PM
you're not a convenience friend to me. not ever. you want my hear...or eyes, you knonw, reading, i'm around. you're not a replaceable commodity or a subsitute for this that or the other. you're a person to me and i value you and ...so i'm telling you. (not in perhaps the most eloquent way...but i mean it.)

and i've never hated you. i'm ...it sucks to feel like the outcast but anyone who does hate you doesn't know you. adn sucks.

ginniebean
10-14-11, 05:17 PM
Hey Rebs,

It's not just you! Yes, I've experienced this too. Don't get down on yourself for being generous, loyal and a real friend to people. Those are all great qualities and they're RARE qualities. Unfortunately, people can often be, well there's no good way to put this, idiots.


You would think that people would treat a person who has their back better than others but that's so often NOT the case. Sometimes people need a pull on the reigns you know.


I don't know if you know anything about horses but if you ride a horse and you think, this horse would like.. oh just to go eat that grass over there, and oh maybe I'll take it slow here and let him have his own pace, the horse stops listening to you completely. You're being nice, you're showing compassion but now the horse has lost respect for you.

The way a rider fixes this is by giving no leniency at all. The horse basically gets told who's the boss of the time, the generosity etc. Then the horse starts doing what it's supposed to do again.

People are like this too, strangely you have to withhold you generosity, your time, your caring in order that they don't take it for granted like the horse does. So, it's a bit of a fight at times and hard on you but you do need to withhold some of the things they like, want in order for them to not take your for granted.

You'd think people would have evolved beyond horse behaviour but as your experience shows even good people, who treat you well in some moments act like a horses *** the next.

Pull on the reins, say no once in a while, and it straightens things out. Wierd eh?

Rebs, since you've been here and that's been a good long while now I've never seen you fail to offer the best of yourself and you're gold in my books!

peripatetic
10-14-11, 05:32 PM
People are like this too, strangely you have to withhold you generosity, your time, your caring in order that they don't take it for granted like the horse does. So, it's a bit of a fight at times and hard on you but you do need to withhold some of the things they like, want in order for them to not take your for granted.

no, bean; no, come on! i so disagree with you on this. i don't withhold and i do give generously as best as i can...and only because i've had the honour of being trusted and having generosity extended were many meaningful moments of realknowing someone even possible. it sucks to get knocked down...but if i'd never given so openly...i'd never have received.

(bean, know i do hear you and i do see the ******* YES! of the cautious route...but i gotta argue for the free flowing one because, ultimately, it's a leap of faith to trust anyway...;) x )

sarek
10-14-11, 05:38 PM
What Ginnie just said is 100% true. I absolutely, positively loathe and hate to be that way and it makes me feel like a cruel person but there is no denying that it is very effective.

The Dutch saying that is applicable here is that 'soft doctors cause smelly wounds' and that is an absolute truth.

Sometimes you really have no choice but to firm up. I have seen this happen too. All of a sudden people notice you or they are awoken from their lethargic slumber and galvanised into action.

While first you may even have been an enabler of their unwanted behaviour or lack thereof you are now suddenly an enabler of positive change. Less sometimes really is more, provided it is used sparingly and only when necessary.

Rebelyell
10-14-11, 06:24 PM
I apprreciate the advice ginnie and the rest of yall.Yeah my co worker whos invited me to his house many many times for xmas holidays has been doing this but it seems when he gets around the other 2-or 3 senior men he acts like a horses faditty.I texted him 2 he only answered 1.My other co worker texted him 2 or 3 times and its like right away.Co worker told me he doesnt wanna talk to you in his opinion.He said if it happened to him he wouldnt car eor let it bother him,that it wouldnt hurt him.I say hes wrong and being a guy,he doesnt want to admit defeat or weakness.I understand the guy was in class but to text back to the other guy and not his boy has me kind of hurt and confus

ginniebean
10-14-11, 07:08 PM
no, bean; no, come on! i so disagree with you on this. i don't withhold and i do give generously as best as i can...and only because i've had the honour of being trusted and having generosity extended were many meaningful moments of realknowing someone even possible. it sucks to get knocked down...but if i'd never given so openly...i'd never have received.

(bean, know i do hear you and i do see the ******* YES! of the cautious route...but i gotta argue for the free flowing one because, ultimately, it's a leap of faith to trust anyway...;) x )

Oh don't make me say it.. pleaseeeeeeeee...

Honestly, it's been my experience that people with ADHD who do not 'restrain themselves well' don't need or even know how to deal like this.

Sorry but I gotta say this is more the NT friends that you gotta deal with.

So, if the friend is an adhd'er this generally will NOT apply! (there's always a couple in every crowd so I dunno)

I guess I look at it like this.. we are unrestrained people.. people for some reason place a very high value on restraint (those who have it) and tend to judge those who lack it.

When someone sees me and I'm happy to see them, hell they KNOW it. If someone needs me, I'm THERE. However, with friends who did not have ADHD, I did learn that I had to make some sort of artificial restraint and it was painful to me because they saw me as a pushover.

Friends like you, reb and even a few nt's on here none of the above applies.

(I'm certain that many wonderful and adorable nt's do not care for this and it's my sincere wish that no nt's were harmed in the reading of this thread)

buddy
10-14-11, 07:10 PM
Rebel, I just wanted to let you know how much I like & respect you.Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about yourself.You are a good person who is always here to lend an ear to anyone in need.I've read your posts to others in need & you always
respond kindly.I wish I had some good advice to give you but I tend to be a loner so I don't usually deal with people outside my family.You hang in there & don't let anyone get you down.
(((HUGS)))

anonymouslyadd
10-14-11, 07:12 PM
you're not a convenience friend to me. not ever. you want my hear...or eyes, you knonw, reading, i'm around. you're not a replaceable commodity or a subsitute for this that or the other. you're a person to me and i value you and ...so i'm telling you. (not in perhaps the most eloquent way...but i mean it.)

and i've never hated you. i'm ...it sucks to feel like the outcast but anyone who does hate you doesn't know you. adn sucks.

I admire this.

ADDisme2010
10-14-11, 07:18 PM
Rebel, I also enjoy reading all of your posts!! You are a kind soul...just remember that you are in control of how you respond to others, don't give them that much power to let them make you feel that bad. Sometimes when friendships get too one sided, it's time to move on...Just know that you are very much liked and respected here!!

sarahsweets
10-14-11, 07:26 PM
Fairweather friends suck. I've one too many times put myself on the bad end of the stick. Then I rationalize their behavior as if I even had anything to do with them choosing to be a-holes. My aha moment hit me recently when I needed help. I have a scarey health thing going on that in all honestly could be fatal. But "Ooo. Death is so icky and sick people are no fun " THATS when my tried and true go f**k yourself comes into play.

Rebelyell
10-14-11, 07:26 PM
I mean hell god knows how many times ive dropped stuff in the middle of a job/working on my car to go help some 1.I need a simple favor and I get more excuses then a *** thats got gas.I tell you I see it more an more NTs dont know how to act proper or they dont care who they hurt.Im thinking of calling him out monday just like he does when I dont answer my cell,half the time I dont even hear the POS ring.I said to co worker at lunch if I didnt have this job or lost it,this phone would go in the garbage ,not like any 1 calls me anyway.I never saw his jaw drop like that but its true only time some 1 calls is when they need to use an abuse me for some silly bs.
Now people wonder where nice guys went or are at.Ill tell you they are gone because of being treated like caca all there lives.People should be kissing these kinds of peoples butts because we are a rarity.ya would think how short life is when ya find a diamond ya would hold onto it tight and take care of it not **** on it and bounce it off the wall to break.

Rebelyell
10-14-11, 07:28 PM
I shouldnt have to feel this way,I felt so terrible on the ride home from work I swear I thought about putting a belt around my neck and calling it quits.I try to be amicable but its nice these idiots have now brought the animal out of his cage,yeah thanks for nothing.

StoicNate
10-14-11, 07:35 PM
Yeah Rebel, I had friends like that.
I went out of my way to help them and they backstabbed me, I decided I didn't need them. I don't have any real friends now.
It'll take a while before I find friends again, if ever.

BR549
10-14-11, 07:40 PM
Reb, when I first came here, you were one of the very first people that I took notice of. Why? Because you were genuine. You were true. You were nice. You went out of your way to try to cheer people up. You, Rebel, are a beautiful person.

Your self-worth isn't dependent on this guy or people like him. You have a lot going for you. You are right, people like you are a rarity. The people who use you and toss you aside aren't worth the dirt on your shoes. It makes me angry and sad that people have reduced you to feeling this way.

You are not insignificant. You are important. You are loved and you are liked. Please don't ever forget that.

Unmanagable
10-14-11, 09:55 PM
Keeping it real and spreading the love is what immediately comes to mind when I think of you, Reb. It's a shame some folks don't appreciate and recognize that. Their loss.

Keep doing you and f'em if they don't like it. Spend your energy on doing what makes your heart smile. Don't waste it on the ignorance of others. Your time is far too precious for that, my friend.

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Redrightnow
10-14-11, 10:01 PM
Give me his number, Reb and i'll kick his a**.

I'm only half-way kidding-- hoping to make you smile a little. But for real, it makes steam come out of my ears that somebody has acted this way toward you.

I'll say to you what I know my nt husband would say to me when this happens to me (and it does, often):

Don't let him take up space in your head. You just keep on being the good person that you are. His actions are a reflection of his character, not yours.

Be kind to yourself this weekend and wake up tomorrow knowing that people in the 4 corners of the world recognize and appreciate all the good things that you are. {{Hugs}}