View Full Version : I hope I'm not narcissistic!


VisibleKinda
10-18-11, 03:49 PM
I've noticed that I'm very self-centred. All I care about are my problems, and whenever people talk about themselves, I find myself tuning out. When it's time for me to offer moral support to someone close to me, I feel like the whole thing's a drag.

I have very low self esteem and some anxiety (constant worrying about being criticised and disliked), so I'm hoping that I'm selfish only because these problems (with ADD) can apparently caused self-centredness. I hope so, because the prospect of not being able to love anyone but myself, or care about anyone but myself (being narcissistic in the true sense of the word), scares the STUFF out of me -- because being able to connect with people is what makes life worth living, right?

sarek
10-18-11, 05:21 PM
On the surface it does not immediately sound like narcissism but of course that is not easy to tell by a layperson from afar. Have you checked some further information on this, like what the exact symptoms are?

Dont confuse self-centredness with selfishness. Its not the same thing.

GypsyMind
10-18-11, 06:30 PM
I've noticed that I'm very self-centred. All I care about are my problems, and whenever people talk about themselves, I find myself tuning out. When it's time for me to offer moral support to someone close to me, I feel like the whole thing's a drag.

I have very low self esteem and some anxiety (constant worrying about being criticised and disliked), so I'm hoping that I'm selfish only because these problems (with ADD) can apparently caused self-centredness. I hope so, because the prospect of not being able to love anyone but myself, or care about anyone but myself (being narcissistic in the true sense of the word), scares the STUFF out of me -- because being able to connect with people is what makes life worth living, right?

While pretty much everything you listed are qualities of a narcissistic person, it doesn't mean you are. From my experience, the fact that you're asking yourself means there's a good chance you're not. lol Narcs refuse to look at themselves in the mirror and if forced to do so, often react violently.

Some key indicators are also childhood traumas such as molestation/abuse especially from parental figures. The abuse causes the child to go into survival mode in order to protect itself. Which also "freezes" them in time. Their psychological development basically stops - which is why if you're ever around a narcissistic person, they seem very childlike in behavior. Even behavior that seems inappropriate to the rest of the world.

Quite often times a narcissistic parent spawns narcissistic children. The narc parent feels "obligated" to share their seed and the children wind up narcissistic by default.

The following information is based solely on my personal experience dealing with someone that would be classified as a "narcissitic vampire".

1. Lacked most emotions; however, responded to anger/rage very quickly and could be violent in an instant, without second thought and would feel justified in his action.

Example: When I challenged a decision my biz partner made, he completely flipped out and told me the business would fail without him.

2. Only saw people as objects and not people. Basically, they never consider anyone else's feelings/situation when making a decision (Unless that person is an important pawn in the narc's overall game.)

Example: Biz partner geographically moved company around according to his personal needs w/out regard to any of the employees. He convinced himself he was always making the right decision.

3. Every single "favor" they did had invisible strings attached. Favors inflated their grandiose sense of self while it also indebted the person the favor was performed for.

Example: When my wife cheated and I was w/out a place to stay, he volunteered a room in his home... Later on, I discovered he really wanted an "instant buddy" at his disposal and I was the first pawn in his quest to build a "compound" full of family and employees.

Being "God" to everyone in their world was absolutely critical.

Example: He used to joke about being a "kind god" (From movie 300) but he ruled his family as a heavy handed dictator would.

4. Sex is mostly for manipulation and control.

Example: Biz partner offered his wife, against her will, to friends he wanted to impress. Was offended when I turned him down.

5. Always feel like they're an exception to the rule while anyone breaking their rules was met with severe consequences.

Example: Biz partner was always looking to "get over" on someone. Was involved with all sorts of scams; however, if he even thought someone wasn't being honest with him, he became violent.

And the biggest one I noticed and it drove me insane -

Always felt like he was the victim. No matter what screwed up thing he said or did to f#ck someone else over, if they caught him doing it, he was the victim.

Example: We pulled into a fast-food joint that was packed. As we trolled for a space to park, someone pulled out of their space. Well, it was obvious someone else had been waiting for that space to open, but the way the person leaving pulled out, he actually blocked the path for the other guy to pull in... Well, my biz partner zipped into the space with a smirk and jumped out of his car. The person waiting yelled out the window that he'd been waiting and was met with, "there's other spaces you can park". The dude jumped out of his car, walked up to my partner and punched him in the face. He then looked at me and asked if I wanted any part of it and I told him, "nope". The guy ended up leaving and biz partner called the cops...

Later on, the story turned into him telling everyone "Yeah, this guy punched me in the face for no good reason and my biz partner just stood there and didn't do anything".

Narcissism is something I'm very experienced in coping with. My ex-biz partner, my 2nd wife (which was his sister) and my 3rd wife were all the absolute poster children for narcissism.

Good info on this page as well: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism (http://www.addforums.com/forums/en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism)

KronarTheBlack
10-18-11, 06:33 PM
A person diagnosed with narcissism would not need to ask the question you are asking because they would be so into themselves they would not care. Everyone has some narcissistic tendencies. You are probably just selfish. When you love another person your selfishness will lessen towards them.

I am pretty selfish myself I must admit. I like things my own way. So I just try to be less selfish in regards to my wifes desires and its actually easier now that I have a son. I am 10 - 100 times less selfish than I used to be and I would still be considered selfish in some things. So you are probably just normal. ADHD people mature slower so we also become less selfish slower than other people as that is a part of maturity.

danpan
10-21-11, 11:13 AM
I've known a couple narcissists in person, and I've spoken with a lot of them on forums dedicated to them.
I can't see any of them writing your post.

The narcissist has a deep seated feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy that drives them to deceive themselves and others into thinking that they're perfect. Their pathological love for themselves is a coping mechanism to stave off those feelings, because subconsciously, they feel that even one imperfection would mean they are not worth the air they are breathing. So when imperfections surface, they go into denial. When people obviously don't like them, they go into denial. You would be surprised just how many blatantly obvious facts and circumstances a narcissist will rationalize or ignore to maintain his self-deception.

Narcissists can be beyond selfish and dishonest. From what I've seen, the only way they can work the selfishness and private nature that's normal among people--even them--into their vision of perfection, is to convince themselves that selfishness and deception are part of being perfect. As a result, they may actually see that behavior as a good thing. It becomes a testament to their greatness, and they take it to a pathological level.

One of the biggest telltale signs of a narcissist is their denial. They will sometimes do some truly ridiculous things, that leave everyone wondering what on earth they're thinking. At sometime in their life, they rationalized that kind of behavior as something that great/perfect people do. Maybe it's supposed to show off confidence, conscientiousness, good personality, or anything else. The problem is that they aren't truly confident or conscientious, and they don't have the personality they're trying to show off. Nor do they understand any of that stuff. So they miss a lot of details and wind up creating a lot of "WTF" moments. Then they convince themselves that their display was a success, even if everyone is left completely speechless (they're speechless because it's so awesome, they're upset because they're jealous, etc), and the cycle continues. If they can't rationalize someone's disapproval as something positive about themselves, then that person becomes intentionally malicious or stupid (and thus their opinion is meaningless) and they may try to get revenge.

To point out just how deep the rabbit hole goes, many narcissists, upon being diagnosed with narcissism, will convince themselves that narcissism is a good thing and a justification for their feelings of superiority. Successful treatment is very rare.

That's been my experience with them, anyway.
The nature of your post is in direct opposition to the very core of their disorder.

GypsyMind
10-21-11, 11:32 AM
Danpan hit it deadpan. lol

pechemignonne
10-21-11, 06:35 PM
I've noticed that I'm very self-centred. All I care about are my problems, and whenever people talk about themselves, I find myself tuning out. When it's time for me to offer moral support to someone close to me, I feel like the whole thing's a drag.
Sounds more like ADHD to me. I agree with everyone else, a narcissist is usually the last person who would ever say "I feel like I'm selfish." Narcissists usually feel like nobody else is paying enough attention to them.

Can't hurt to bring it up with someone if you have regular psychotherapy or pdoc visits.

From the DSM-IV:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

(3) believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

(4) requires excessive admiration

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

But that, since it is diagnostic criteria for clinicians and not for self-diagnosis, tends to be how narcissistic people are viewed from the outside, not how they themselves feel.

Unfortunately, very little seems to be written about the perspective of the narcissist and how they can find treatment, because generally speaking it is the people around the narcissist who end up seeking help, and only rarely the narcissist themselves.

rickymooston
10-22-11, 08:59 AM
I've noticed that I'm very self-centred. All I care about are my problems, and whenever people talk about themselves, I find myself tuning out. When it's time for me to offer moral support to someone close to me, I feel like the whole thing's a drag.


To some extent, I'm naturally like this too. I've realized it as you realize it. I work to check myself when I see myself doing it.

What you can try is active listening; this is one of the things I do. If somebody talks too much about themselves too quickly, stop them and tell them, you need to summarize to make sure you understand.

This isn't always easy to do; some people with problems drone on without taking a breath to see whether you understood or not.

Another thing you can try, is getting out a piece of paper right now, list the people you care about the most.

Write down what you think their problems might be. What you think they are doing to deal with them. What you think you, as a supportive friend can do. (Most of the time, people want to be listened to.)

The point of the above is the highten your interest


I have very low self esteem and some anxiety (constant worrying about being criticised and disliked),


Me too. I learned not to care as much. I used to associate it with my geekiness. Probably is far more related to my ADHD. (In addition to having ADHD, I have bad posture and a number of things).


so I'm hoping that I'm selfish only because these problems (with ADD) can apparently caused self-centredness.


Struggling with any personal problem, can make one appear self centered. In essence, the more consume you are with getting your own life right.


I hope so, because the prospect of not being able to love anyone but myself, or care about anyone but myself (being narcissistic in the true sense of the word), scares the STUFF out of me -- because being able to connect with people is what makes life worth living, right?

You are capable of loving other people.

Life is definitely worth living. Start with believing a solution exists while understanding you have not worked it out yet.

GypsyMind
10-22-11, 09:13 AM
Sounds more like ADHD to me. I agree with everyone else, a narcissist is usually the last person who would ever say "I feel like I'm selfish." Narcissists usually feel like nobody else is paying enough attention to them.

Can't hurt to bring it up with someone if you have regular psychotherapy or pdoc visits.

From the DSM-IV:


But that, since it is diagnostic criteria for clinicians and not for self-diagnosis, tends to be how narcissistic people are viewed from the outside, not how they themselves feel.

Unfortunately, very little seems to be written about the perspective of the narcissist and how they can find treatment, because generally speaking it is the people around the narcissist who end up seeking help, and only rarely the narcissist themselves.

From my understanding, the only real source of help is group therapy. You have to get a group of them together so each person doesn't feel singled out... which is highly unlikely to happen.