After 9 years of marriage, a daughter who is now almost 2, and a second pregnancy under way, my wife told me she was never in love with me and it was time to move on. There was no "spark." That was August 6, 2004.

For the next several weeks, I struggled to learn what had happened, what had become of my marriage. Just two weeks earlier we had learned of the second pregnancy (which we had planned together - it was no accident.) What had gone wrong so suddenly?

Then I began to read about ADD and codependency. I began to recognize my own contributions to the problems. I began to recognize my wife had overfocused ADD. Thank God I did.

The worst day of my life was Sunday, September 26th, when I stumbled upon evidence of an affair - text messages between her cell phone and a number I'd never seen before. When I called the number, a guy's voice answered. I confronted her with it and she knew she was caught. She couldn't deny it, so instead, she refused to break it off. It's a compulsion, I understand, but still, a dealbreaker. One of you called it just that on your replies, and I had said exactly the same thing to her.

So yesterday, the 27th, the confrontation continued, as I demanded a stop to this disrespectful and hurtful complusive behavior. Since the end of July, she had exchanged more than 700 text messages with this guy -how's that for a symptom? That's like 10-12 messages a day!

During yesterday's confrontation, I finally broke through and got to the truth. There have been four sexual affairs since we married. My wife's self-hatred, guilt and complete lack of self-respect finally made sense to me. To say that I'm devastated is an oversimplification. After a few seconds of initial shock, I was overcome by an inexplicable sense of calm. Suddenly, the anger subsided. It's still there, but reason took over. I had an explanation that made sense to me, even if she didn't see it. An explanation, but not an excuse.

As she sat there wallowing in her self-pity (a wall I've recognized she hides behind), I told her I didn't hate her. I hated her behavior. She stared at me in shock. How could I not hate her? I told her that she didn't see what I could see, she didn't believe what I believe. I asked her if she knew what I was talking about. She nodded.

"You're talking about ADD."

Breakthrough. We spent the next half-hour talking about her symptoms and her background. I calmly and cooly explained to her the pattern of behavior I could see extending back into her childhood, even extending into her father's behavior.

I asked her to seek out referrals to psychiatrists specializing in ADD and treatment. I asked that I be allowed to go with her to those appointments. I told her that I would support her in any way I could to address her ADD, whether we stay married or not. She needs to be the best mother she can be for our children, and she needs medication to do that. I ended the conversation by asking her to talk with our counselor at least twice before deciding anything.

When I compare who I was on August 6th to who I am today, I have learned SO much, not only about ADD, but about myself. I am through the looking glass and I see the world in a completely different light.

Thank you to everyone for posting. You have helped me immensely.

Glad to hear about your break through Mike. Your compasion for both your wife and trying to understand ADD is a great thing to see. You have a tough road a head of you, but you seem to understand the road and the steps you need to take to walk it.

The only thing I would advise you to look out for is how much you control your wife's treatment. I know as an ADD person I tend to resent my wife when she starts to decide how I should be treated. I do understand that is important to include her in what is going on as your wife should you. Hope that makes sense.

You have had a heck of a couple of months. I will send good vibes your way. Keep us posted and take care.

Jim, thanks for the reply and I do understand. One of the things I am doing for myself is learning how to give up controlling other people's behavior. It's her responsibility - I have enough trouble controlling my own behavior! :) I want to be involved and supportive, but it's her show.

Thanks again.

Mike,

I'm so happy you were able to have some honest and cool headed time with your wife to discuss the reality of things. It seems sometimes we have to be pushed right to the precipice before things can become clear.

My best friend with ADD hates to be controlled, although he is a completely sweet person and very kind hearted, so I agree with gymsocks that your wife has to be the one in charge of her meds/treatments whatever. But you already get that and that's important. Even if she isn't always perfect, it's her call.

Things do have a hopeful tinge to them though, and putting the children first is really tremendously good approach, from my view way over here.

Great beginnings, Mike, and hope things progress well for you, however it goes. Let us know.

Mike bless your heart and your cool control over yourself. I'm not sure I could have handled the situation as well as you have. I have a lot to say but am unsure if this is the place or the right time so for now I'm sending you and your family my deepest and warmest wishes. Good luck.

Mike,
I admire your resolve about supporting your wife even though she did what she did. I'll be praying for you and your family as you travel this uncertain road ahead.

wow! this line I am through the looking glass and I see the world in a completely different light, gave me goosebumps! great job! she's damned lucky to have married you, hopefully she'll tell you that one day soon :)

I don't think she'll be allowed to take any medications while she is pregnant...wait scratch that....if she is the overfocused type ..I think they have stuff you can take during pregnancy. Just not stimulants. You may want to browse this forum about pregnancy and ADD.This thread is very good.... getting pregnant while on ADD meds (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=74)

Hope everything works out for you and your family.

Mike,

I feel for you my friend, I too have been through the emotional barrage of dealing with a spouses infidelity and I understand how you must feel. My wife has been unfaithful to me at least twicw that I am aware of and maybe more. I deal with suspicion and resentment of her on a daily basis, and I do not believe that she has ever been completely honest about her extramarital activities. She was involved with, on two seperate occasions, a co-worker and was also into IM sex talk. The last one may seem a bit harmless to some but to me it was a violation of our intimacy and almost as hurtful as the physical relationships. She swears to this day she never did anything more than to develop an emotional relationship and kissing, and I try desperately to believe her, but her explanations are very hard to swallow considering my complete lack of trust for her. Lately she seems to have developed a taste for internet porn and erotic literature. This alone does not bother me. What bothers me is the fact that she is hiding it from me, and that she thinks can outsmart me with her questioable behaviour. Anyway, sorry for going off about my own problem, good luck to you Mike I truly hope that everything works out for you and your family. They say time heals all wounds, let me know if they are right.

I feel your pain Mike, but I know you will work things out in the end. I have been through an almost exact situation myself.

Keep your head up buddy!




She swears to this day she never did anything more than to develop an emotional relationship and kissing, and I try desperately to believe her, but her explanations are very hard to swallow considering my complete lack of trust for her. Lately she seems to have developed a taste for internet porn and erotic literature. This alone does not bother me. What bothers me is the fact that she is hiding it from me, and that she thinks can outsmart me with her questioable behaviour.
Lazyday I know nothing hurts more than this! People always underestimate us ADDers which is fine, but that kind of behaviour coming from a person we care about hurts more than anyone could ever imagine!

I know that is hard to hear but I'm not entirely sure you seeing ADD behaviour. I, myself am ADD and know this is supposed to be a support thread for non-ADD'ers but we are not all into hurting those we should be giving our life to protect from pain. I adore my husband probably at very unhealthy levels and this is a hurt that I would never even consider. I honestly don't know maybe I'm not the norm but I know many members who have been horrified at what you two have been thru and are thinking of you in the most compassionate way you've handled a very hurtful situation with grace and dignity and I don't believe there is anyone who thinks your reactions are anything but normal.

Hugs and my good thoughts and support being sent your way.

p.s. ADD is not an excuse and they shouldn't be allowed to use it as one IMHO.