View Full Version : Remember the thrill?


ADDandMULTIPLY
10-04-04, 09:58 PM
Remember the thrill of discovering the fact that there was a reason for your behavior, because you had ADD?

Remember the awesome feeling when you were first medicated, how clearly you were thinking, how organized your thoughts were?

I've said this before and I'll say it again. Before I was treated, I had a 1.68 cumulative GPA after my sophomore year of HS.

Going into the summer of my junior year, I was diagnosed with and treated for ADD. I'll never forget the awesome feeling that came with the treatment for my ADD. I was suddenly excited to defeat the challenges that were presented in homework assignments, and I promptly got all A's and a B in my courses the following semester. I could engage in conversation and clearly express my viewpoints -- viewpoints that were firmly established after a lot of applied thinking....

It seems that in the last couple years, my brain hasn't performed at the level it did when I was first diagnosed and treated for ADD.

Is this because our bodies eventually become accustomed to treatment? Is this because "the thrill" eventually wears off and our ambition lessons? Is this because I haven't increased my dosage? I don't know. It frustrates me because I feel that once again, I don't care about key issues. I have opinions about the election, but at work, when any substantial topic arises, I just don't seem to care, I don't want to invest emotional/mental energy to contribute to a conversation. I hate this. Is it me, is it my ADD, is it my medication?

The worst thing is this. I'm totally in love with my girlfriend. She is totally in love with me. She is the first person I've ever dated seriously. I'm the sixth person she's ever dated seriously. She says she's never ever loved anybody the way she loves me.

HOWEVER, we often have awkward eye-contact. It's not her fault, it's mine. It's because of me -- because of my ADD -- because I've been trained to pretend to listen and pretend to comprehend what people are talking about, but it's written all over my face that I really don't care.

I've been trained not to look INTO people's eyes, into their souls, because all too many times, the ADD makes my eyes dart becaues my attention breaks... I see my girlfriend is capable of looking deeper into random people's eyes in the course of random conversation than she's able to look into my eyes. I remember when we first got together, she'd look into my eyes all the time. But over time, I've trained her eyes not to lock into mine.

Anyone else with ADD have this problem? I hate it so much. Anyone else feel like the initial positives that came with medication have pretty much withered away? Is there a solution? Does everybody pretty much return to their normal state of being?

Also, when I'm intimate with my girlfriend, when I'm on top of her, sometimes my body shakes. My hands shake sometimes when I pick up a fork. Is this the meds, or is this me? It totally sucks. I love my girlfriend so much and I wish I could be with her together, but it kills me to think she can't look deep into my eyes in an intimate way because of my ADD.

I'm rambling, I don't know exactly what I'm trying to convey, but I'm hoping somebody's been through this before and can recognize my symptoms and throw out a life-preserver to assist me in improving my personal life.

At the very least, thanks for listening. But if you can relate in any way/shape/form, please hit me up with a quick and easy response. Thanks so much.

ADDandMULTIPLY
10-04-04, 10:01 PM
Sweet. I'm responding to my own thread.

So how's it work when you're treated for ADD. Do you take some meds, then feel good until it wears off, then increase your dosage until you feel better? Are we supposed to constantly increase our dosages until we feel "operational" again? Or should we change medications? I don't know what to do.

All I know is when I was first treated, it was like a whole new world was exposed to me and I couldn't wait to tackle any challenge. Now I lack ambition, I feel like I've settled on my career. I feel like I'm kinda removed from everyday conversation that takes place at work -- the kinda conversation that most people get very involved in, like golf, something I used to talk a lot about.

Nucking_Futs
03-11-05, 09:42 AM
Sweet. I'm responding to my own thread.

So how's it work when you're treated for ADD. Do you take some meds, then feel good until it wears off, then increase your dosage until you feel better? Are we supposed to constantly increase our dosages until we feel "operational" again? Or should we change medications? I don't know what to do.

All I know is when I was first treated, it was like a whole new world was exposed to me and I couldn't wait to tackle any challenge. Now I lack ambition, I feel like I've settled on my career. I feel like I'm kinda removed from everyday conversation that takes place at work -- the kinda conversation that most people get very involved in, like golf, something I used to talk a lot about.

Our family therapist is very good at reminding us that there is a lot more to treating ADD then meds. Meds work great with other forms of treatment such as talk therapy, behavioural modification programs, community service, excercise, positive reinforcement, etc. I could go on for days about the different forms of therapy we use in our home for both myself and our children lol. My suggestion would be to add some other form of therapies along with your meds for a more positive outcome.

T-Bass
03-11-05, 10:35 AM
I take my meds, and don't feel anything, just seems to help me get stuff done without killing anyone :) Symtoms are still there, just not as bad.

I don't know about others on this board, seems like most people got really happy when they found out about ADD?HD, but I was ****ed, didn't make me happy at all, It's not a good feeling to know why your life was so messed up when it's too late.

Still angry to this day, will live with this grudge and other grudges I hold. I don't believe in therpy but I'll be fine.

T-Bass

tamtamm71
03-11-05, 11:25 AM
I take my meds, and don't feel anything, just seems to help me get stuff done without killing anyone :) Symtoms are still there, just not as bad.

I don't know about others on this board, seems like most people got really happy when they found out about ADD?HD, but I was ****ed, didn't make me happy at all, It's not a good feeling to know why your life was so messed up when it's too late.

Still angry to this day, will live with this grudge and other grudges I hold. I don't believe in therpy but I'll be fine.

T-Bass
I grew up with a lot of people that use that as "therapy" also, so please don't take offense. I just wanted to say that the reason you don't feel anything and possibly why you feel unhappy is the smoking. In my experience it brings you down, and sometimes makes people kind of paranoid. I am not trying to tell you what to do, just offer an insight into why you don't get the same effect you hear others talking about.

Andrew
03-11-05, 11:26 AM
The ADD Forums does not encourage or support self-medication or the use of illicit drugs. However, we recognize that this is not a new phenomenon in the ADD community. We encourage anyone else who is self-medicating, to seek medical treatment with a qualified medical professional.

T-Bass
03-11-05, 11:36 AM
I grew up with a lot of people that use that as "therapy" also, so please don't take offense. I just wanted to say that the reason you don't feel anything and possibly why you feel unhappy is the smoking. In my experience it brings you down, and sometimes makes people kind of paranoid. I am not trying to tell you what to do, just offer an insight into why you don't get the same effect you hear others talking about.

I'm very impulsive, last time I took a break from weed, so much bad stuff happened you wouldn't believe, I swore I would never quit weed again, when FBI comes knocking on your door and then Interrogates you for something you have no idea what the hell is going on, then you know you have a impulsive problem. Something that was said as a joke was taken serious. And 2 hours in an interragation room having ADHD can really mess someone up. I have serious Anxiety problems, I get attacks throughout the day, mostly everyday at work, I haven't taken a day off from work in over a year.

Too much, Weed calms me down. which I need to smoke on my lunch break now, cause I feel myself getting angry again, yeah I got problems, I do the wrong things, but what's the right thing? sorry for the post, that's why I"m here right?

T-Bass

tamtamm71
03-11-05, 12:21 PM
You sound kind of angry and I just want to let you know I was not critisizing you.(Sorry if spelling is bad). I have no problems with smokers and am friends with many, though I don't smoke myself. I was only offering another point of view. I also have bad problems with anxiety. I am now taking Adderall and Effexorr, can't say which helps most. Have you tried any anti-anxiety meds? Don't feel bad about what you do, wrong or right you have your reasons. Just try to always find the best path through.

Wanted to respond because you remind me of my brother who also tends to use to help combat stress and anger, good luck.

Mee
03-11-05, 12:44 PM
Nucking_Futs Our family therapist is very good at reminding us that there is a lot more to treating ADD then meds. Meds work great with other forms of treatment such as talk therapy, behavioural modification programs, community service, excercise, positive reinforcement, etc. I could go on for days about the different forms of therapy we use in our home for both myself and our children lol. My suggestion would be to add some other form of therapies along with your meds for a more positive outcome.

Very well said !

T-Bass
03-11-05, 12:44 PM
You sound kind of angry and I just want to let you know I was not critisizing you.(Sorry if spelling is bad). I have no problems with smokers and am friends with many, though I don't smoke myself. I was only offering another point of view. I also have bad problems with anxiety. I am now taking Adderall and Effexorr, can't say which helps most. Have you tried any anti-anxiety meds? Don't feel bad about what you do, wrong or right you have your reasons. Just try to always find the best path through.

Wanted to respond because you remind me of my brother who also tends to use to help combat stress and anger, good luck.

Anti-anxiety medicines are great, calms me down much more than weed. But no doctor wants to prescribe it to me, I even asked for xanax as a substitue for weed to control my anxiety, but doctor seems to give me the message that weed is less harm than aniexty meds, I guess it's worst for the lungs through. The worst is my girlfriend, she acts up my anxiety and I start to verbally absue her, which is not good, but she knows me over 8 years, and I'm not as bad as before. I also take effexor for my moods, this does help, but not even close to where I would like to be in moods. I would love to have xanax, been trying to find it illegally but no luck yet.

T-Bass

Mee
03-11-05, 01:09 PM
Anti-anxiety medicines are great, calms me down much more than weed. But no doctor wants to prescribe it to me, I even asked for xanax as a substitue for weed to control my anxiety, but doctor seems to give me the message that weed is less harm than aniexty meds, I guess it's worst for the lungs through. The worst is my girlfriend, she acts up my anxiety and I start to verbally absue her, which is not good, but she knows me over 8 years, and I'm not as bad as before. I also take effexor for my moods, this does help, but not even close to where I would like to be in moods. I would love to have xanax, been trying to find it illegally but no luck yet.

You are lucky you have a Dr. that has said no to Xanax like Nucking Futs said try treatment such as talk therapy, behavioral modification programs, community service, exercise, positive reinforcement, etc. I know this does not sound as fun and easy as taking a zannie bar . The Xanax is just a quick fix that will give you the illusion that you are getting better when you really could use the things Nucking Futs is talking about . When you talk about smoking weed .. cigirettes ....coffie ....stimulants ... effexor .... that is a lot of things going on and medication can only take you so far . I have kind of been where it sounds like you are and the daily excercise was the best thing I found that helped me with anxiety and anger . Have you ever had an addiction problem this could also be why Dr's do not want to treat you with drugs like Xanax .

exeter
03-11-05, 01:14 PM
You know, one of the things that's great about this forum is that topics just randomly tend to come to the top sometimes, usually when someone new joins. :D I like that.

I notice a difference in myself between when I first started on Wellbutrin and now. Part of it probably is biological in that I've gotten used to having all the drugs in my system, but I think part is purely psychological. I'm a little less intense about the whole "me vs ADD battle" now, but, I think in large part because of the therapy I've had, that's a little more integrated into my persona, and I'm constantly watching myself so I don't slip back where I was, but I don't really sweat it.

T-Bass, I think the problem you're having is that your doctor doesn't want to prescribe additional drugs with addictive potential while you're still using pot. Psychiatrists and therapists tend to not want to treat people who are addicts for other things until the addiction is under control, and with good reason. It sounds like you might not be physically dependent on it, because you successfully quit once before, but the anxiety is just too bad without pot.

Speaking as someone who's never done illegal drugs, but who has done therapy, I think it may do you some good. If you've got insurance to cover mental health services, take a look in the phone book and at least think about going to see a therapist. If you don't have coverage for that, contact your community mental health agencies and find out what's available for people without coverage who can't afford to pay a private therapist's rates. I seem to recall you having financial issues paying for medical treatment -- I might be wrong. If that's the case, though, definitely seek help through one of these agencies.

Your girlfriend sounds like a wonderful person. If you've recognized and admitted verbal abuse already and you want to do something about it, this is the way, man.

T-Bass
03-11-05, 01:55 PM
Cash is really tight, I just moved out a month ago from my uncle's after being kicked out from my old apartment shortly after I quit my job.

No insurance, but I do know Excercise helps, I used to lift, and was a great way of reliving stress, I used to lift till I can't even pick up my arms, couldn't even drive home, but sure made me calm and good the next day after till I went again.

Since Cash is a problem, I can't join a gym, I can use the money I spend on weed, but still I need to sleep since I'm stuck living in a world that's not on my schedule. I see myself as having no problem, the problem is the time I was born, thousands of years ago, only problem was food, you wake up, your hungry, your foucused, you hunt for food, you eat, and repeat, no meds needed.

I don't really hang out with anyone anymore, used to be a person with more friends you can imagine, I made sure to lose contact with all of them, living alone with a cat, I go to work, and the people I see everyday at work get me so angry. It's life. I can't hang out with my family due to never having meds to hang out with them, and you can't smoke next to your family, even though they all know I smoke everyday, I don't know one person around me that doesn't smoke weed besides my family and girlfriend, it's hard to tell someone to quit something that's so common and everyone does it.

I feel better now, cause my mind is one, if I had more adderall, like 80mg instead of 40, maybe things would be different.

T-Bass

Mee
03-11-05, 02:06 PM
Long distance running really helped me with the things you are talking about ... you do not need a gym for that ..

T-Bass
03-11-05, 04:50 PM
In my case, there is no help, nothing will help me, the life around me, can't be changed. Trapped in a world that's not for you, last time I was happy was when I was a drug addict popping Ectasy and Cocaine, I wouldn't be surprised If I go back to that if I don't feel any better. And believe me, lately I've been thinking about it, cause living like this is useless, at least being a drug addict you have excitment.

T-Bass

T-Bass
03-11-05, 05:40 PM
Just told my boss I"m leaving due to mental reasons.

till Monday.....

T-Bass

Mee
03-11-05, 05:47 PM
at least being a drug addict you have excitment.

T-Bass

Get into a 12 step program like AA or NA where you are around others who have gone through the same thing and turned their life around . I know that is not what you want to hear but I think you would find it a good starting place if you want to get better .

Ichpuchtli
04-25-05, 04:04 AM
I don't follow.