Hi Everyone!

I am new to this community so I wanted to say all to all you lovely ladies ;) !

I was wondering if any of your husbands get angry or frustrated with you because of symtoms of your ADD?
My husband is a very idealistic, strong minded, multi-tasker, with lots of energy, concentration and ability to have many hobbies and jobs at one time. He's a go-getter and accomplishes a lot. He is pretty much a freak of nature when it comes to the sheer amount of talents, hobbies, jobs, and vast knowleadge. He is a super intelligent productive successfull person... and I'm just trying to keep up.

I've lived with him since I've been 18 and he in many ways is my role model. But he gets very frustrated with my forgetfulness, how I get overwhelmed easily, how I have a hard time paying attention, how I am clumsy and although I am intelligent I say and do really ditzy things. He gets so mad at me and often his frustration turns to meaniness and he will pick on me and or make fun of me as a passive aggressive way to vent. He tends to yell at me and make me feel incompitant and stupid. He knows that he has a tendancy to do this and he has made improvements to not be mean and to be more patient with but I can tell he has to try really hard.

I was put on Adderall and it did wonders for me, even my husband noticed a huge difference, but now I can't take it anymore. I have somehow developed a bad anxiety problem and if I take the Adderall it enduces an attack consistantly everytime now. My husband is really upset I can't take this medication anymore because I am "unbearable to live with with out it". I am so afraid that I won't have the results that Adderall was giving me with something else and my husband will become fed up with me and angry. I am to the point where I get angry back. I am not doing anything wrong, he just wants me to stop it, to knock it off, and to change. But he doesn't understand that I can't just magically be cured, that a large part of those things are just who I am. I work full-time, the house is always spotless, the laundry is always done, I exercise regularly, the oil on the car is changed, doctor appointments are made and kept, I do everything that I am suppose to, I always have, even before Adderall, I just force myself to but it's the spastic, forgetfulness, clumsy, chaotic frenzy, and how hard it is for me to get all the things done that I do that upsets him. He thinks that I should be able to do all that I do and then more and not feel overwhelmed, like he can, but I simplely am not super human like is and I can't get him to understand that or my ADD.

Do any of you have husbands who expect them to be perfect? And the pressure is killing you because it's hard enough as it is just to accomplish daily taks with ADD on top of feeling overwhelmed from enevitablely forgetting something or doing something wrong. Arrrggghhhh!

Thanks!
XOXO, Bunny

I question wheather or not I should speak my mind here............

Very carfully I say " Myself I would tell him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine"

But that is what I would do..........

I myself enjoy being ADD and I like who and what I am as a result of it , and if my wife was that demanding I am sure that I would not be living here

But that is me

I can't tell you what is right for you..........

Has your husband educated himself about ADD at all?

Ah, the Freak of Nature Husband Phenomenon. I know it well. :rolleyes: Mine is a workaholic who is incredibly driven. He just doesn't get my laid-back nature, even though he admits that was what he married me for. I think it's important for our spouses to educate themselves, so they can be realistic about what they can expect from us.

You sound to me like a very functional ADD woman who is juggling a lot of tasks very well. IMO, he needs to learn to accept and respect you for the person you are ... to stop trying to remake you in his image ... and to immediately stop the hurtful criticism. If he's willing to try, you may be able to get through to him in couples therapy. It sounds as if he needs to learn a whole new way of relating to you.

I still like Garry's answer, though. :D

Have you tried asking a doctor if there may be some time of anxiety med. that may be taken along w/ the Adderall? Hope things improve for you, Bunny! Jason

Hi Bunny, I'm not on the forum very much, but your message struck a cord with me. I have been married to that kind of man for 37 years. The first 20 years were so frustrating, but with kids, you fumble through it. I never knew why I had the very same symptoms as you. However, 17 years ago, I stood up for myself and let him know that I may have my issues but I'm worthy of being respected 100%. We went to counseling which did help a lot. I still didn't understand my symptoms until last summer when I was finally tested and diagnosed with AD/HD. A lifetime of not knowing...how sad, but I'm so happy to understand "me" now. My husband attends some of the CHADD meetings with me and goes to my visits with the doctor. He now understands the AD/HD and feels a lot of regret for trying to make me something I'm not. He supports me and appreciates the humor that goes along with most ADD experiences. I am on Strattera for the ADD and also Lexapro for the anxiety and finally feel like everything is "even" now. Do get your husband to attend meetings with your doctor so that things can be explained to him. He may be intelligent, but he needs a big dose of empathy!

Hee-Hee, Thanks Garry, and don't worry, you can always speak your mind!

I actually did get to the point where I told him that maybe we should get a divorse since I was always disappointing him and never good enough. That was the hardest thing I had ever done, although I thought about it, I would never dare utter those words because I was afraid that I was indeed very dispensible. But I looked at it like that whole, if you love him set him free kind of thing. Although I felt like I would shrivel up and die with out his love, I still did say it and still meant it.

To my suprise he that day he told me, "this is the worst day of his life, i feel like blowing my brains out even though i would never do something like that".... He showed me so much vunerableilty, a side I had never seen, he finally let his guard down enough to show me how much he needed me, how much I meant to him. This! Coming from a man who would tell people who were thinking of suicide to go ahead and do it, that people who said or thought those things were weak and pathetic.... This! Coming from a man who often told me how easy it was to get a divorse when he was angry with me! It was a huge. I knew then that I wasn't the little girl that he had had so much control over before but a woman that was now his equal. So things are better now, he controls the erge to lose his patience and he doesn't throw around the "divorse" word anymore. But he still has a long way to go, it's hard for him not to pick on me.

It's just so hard to get him to understand that I'm doing everything I can. That I don't act this way or do these things because I don't care about him or I'm not being thoughful of us, I have sent him a lot of information about ADD. But he just seems to be glad that I know what is wrong... so now I'm going to be fixed kind of thing. But I really need to get him to understand it more. Your right krisp, he needs to understand it more so he knows what he can and can't expect from and what he can't.

Good idea Jason, he just gave me an Rx for Valium but I feel like that drugs me too much and I need to take at least 10mg to get the panic attack to stop and 10mg is a lot for my size, after it works and stops the panic attack, I feel as though I've been tranquilized with a dart to the neck. Any suggestions of Anti Anxiety medication that doesn't have the sleepy/drugged effect valium does? My doctor thinks that it's stress endused panic attacks too, so they were given to me to take as needed for panic attacks, I am still convinceing him that the Adderall is causing it and we're playing phone tag as we speak trying to figure out what we should do. I really want to go on a non-stimulant version.

Thank you all for your replies! It really helps to vent to people who understand this condition. I'm really glad I found this forum!

I can only speak for myself but Zoloft helped me a lot with anxiety. Adderall would make me more anxious, but I could handle it OK with the Zoloft, and when I finally got the Zoloft dose at the right amount, the Adderall didn't bother me. If you could FIRST get the anxiety under control, you might be able to go back on the Adderall. I hope you have a doctor who knows about this because it was very effective for me to be on two medications.

I use the past tense because I am pregnant so I don't take those meds right now.

Jen

zoloft just made me throw up for hours and sent me to sleep

christine777- It was good to read your post, it makes me feel more sane and not as angry with my husband to know that other people have had a similar expierence with their spouse. We have not tried counceling, but I would definately consider it. My husband seems to think that this is just something that I need to "fix" on my own, he really doesn't seem to want to be involved with it, I don't think he likes that fact that I have it. But I am going to try and get him to read more about ADD, I think if he just understood it more, he really wouldn't act the way that he does sometimes. I'm glad that you found medication that works for you and that you feel better and finally understand yourself more. I know that after I found out that I had this so many things about myself started to make sense. Especailly as an adult I am now understanding and researching it more, when I as diagnoised in high school it really didn't mean that much to me but know that I've read more about it, my life is so much easier. I just need to get my husband to understand, I think it will make it easier for him too, he won't feel like I am doing some many things intentionally.

I've been in a relationship with someone like that and he too was not tolerant of any of my problems, even though I treated him like gold....it wasnt really reciprocal. You see, he has to have the DESIRE to understand before he will ever understand and become accepting of you. I don't know you but i'm sure you deserve to have your husband love AND accept you.

Thanks hoosiergirl, I actually sent him an e-mail last night telling him my concerns with his lack of understanding (he was at work) when I talked to him after that he told me that he does read about it and is trying to understand it, that it's just very hard. He was sweet though, and said that we can work on it together.
It's a tough situation, I saw a post someone else and the title of the thread was something along the lines of asking if we thought that ADD people are attracted to perfectionists. I know that is the case with me. A lot of it is that opposites attract, he tends to be negative and assumes the worse of everyone, I am super positive and tend to see the best in people (to a fault). I think that we are more alike than than we are different but our differences are what make our relationship interesting and we learn and grow from eachother. My husband has been responsible for helping me be the person I am today, with out his influence, support and love I would not be where I am today. I am confident, independant, and motivated now, but because he had helped me become the person I am today, he tends to be controling. He has a hard time accepting me for who I am because he is so use to helping me change and grow and I think he tends to keep trying to change all the things that bothers him, continual progress towards what he thinks I should be and has a hard time seeing that although he has taught me a lot, and I am grateful, I am still my own person and he needs to except that and those things that he can not change because it is who I am.

Thanks hoosiergirl, I actually sent him an e-mail last night telling him my concerns with his lack of understanding (he was at work) when I talked to him after that he told me that he does read about it and is trying to understand it, that it's just very hard. He was sweet though, and said that we can work on it together.
It's a tough situation, I saw a post someone else and the title of the thread was something along the lines of asking if we thought that ADD people are attracted to perfectionists. I know that is the case with me. A lot of it is that opposites attract, he tends to be negative and assumes the worse of everyone, I am super positive and tend to see the best in people (to a fault). I think that we are more alike than than we are different but our differences are what make our relationship interesting and we learn and grow from eachother. My husband has been responsible for helping me be the person I am today, with out his influence, support and love I would not be where I am today. I am confident, independant, and motivated now, but because he had helped me become the person I am today, he tends to be controling. He has a hard time accepting me for who I am because he is so use to helping me change and grow and I think he tends to keep trying to change all the things that bothers him, continual progress towards what he thinks I should be and has a hard time seeing that although he has taught me a lot, and I am grateful, I am still my own person and he needs to except that and those things that he can not change because it is who I am.
well said bunnystar!
i can actually relate to you and your husband's situation..i don't know how much older than he is from you, but my husband was on the verge of 23 when i met him ...(i was 17)
i now know, looking back, that he was my security, my mentor, my rock. i love him more than i can ever express. we did have our issues though..unfortunately it is a tendency , i believe, for adhd ppl to think that we have nothing to offer, that we are weak in comparison to our peers b/c of our issues vs. their strengths...
but in reality..would you husband be half the superman and as easily if HE had adhd? not likely. not b/c its not possible..but rather he would have a lot harder road to travel on and perhaps be more compassionate towards you. but whatever. you can't make him have adhd too right? LOL
i know that you say he doens't like your disorder. neither does my husband..when we've been arguing i love to put in the "yes maybe we should divorce so you can marry june cleaver"
which is rude but you get the gist....my whole entire relationship i put him on the pedestal above me. and that is problematic. despite all the 'suffering' we cause our spouses what about the benefits?
for example, my husband may not have a wife that is on her knees scrubbing the floor but rather a sharp minded, witty, pretty wife that puts her nose in a book and forgets about him! what could be better?
i mean most men would love that lack of harrowing focus while they're watching sports right? :)
i felt like a total loser when i was younger and we would get into it about my forgetfullness..i would cringe every single time i said 'i forgot...' i can never to this day keep track of reciepts for our debit card...
but i've learned this..you only defeat yourself when you consider your spouse a better person. they need you to be a better person too...
you definitely understand whats going on in your relationship and it sounds totally unfair..i know that spouses go through their own issues and struggles trying to cope and understand but everyone in all relationships should know what effects one-will inevitably effect the other. for the good or the bad.
essentially
you guys are in the SAME BOAT
he can't have it both ways. he can't make you row your dinghy while he's waving on the beach to you ..and expect to be on your ship o' life you know what i mean?

f_wcomboadhd, you Rock!
Totally, that is so true. Although we create issues, we also bring a lot to the table, we just function differenly. I am so glad that I found this forum, I've always felt so alone in many of my issues and to see other's going through the same kinds of things it makes me feel so good. One because I don't feel as alone, and also because I don't feel as broken or weak. I am starting to see more and more just in the short time that I've spent here that I have to stop looking at this as a disorder, a weakness and my problem, but rather how I am. It doesn't mean I will use it as an exuse but it means that I am going to be less hard on myself and more excepting of who I am and what I can do, and what my strengths are.
I do look at it like I am the lesser person in our relationship, that I am a burden, and that feeling has eventually driven me to the point where I felt like "why are you even with me if I suck so bad" kind of thing and that maybe we should get a divorse and I hate saying that, and I don't do it to be cruel or to upset him but I am tired of not feeling equal. And I see that it's not his fault, it's my own for letting myself feel like less of a person, less better, he wouldn't be with me if I wasn't his equal and I need to remind myself of that. Different but equal, right?

f_wcomboadhd, you Rock!
Different but equal, right?
I hope I can weigh in on this one as a spouse of a pwADD. My husband is truly very intelligent. I, many times do not feel his equal because of this. You definitely said some things that I, as a spouse, say all the time. ADD is a disorder, but not an excuse. It would be so much different for all of us and our approach would be different if there was nothing that can be done to help the disorder. But, the good news is, there is much that can help. My opinion is one of that no one in the relationship can truly work on the relationship and make progess unless and until there is a proper diagnosis and medication started. To me that shows the willingness of having a better relationship. I know you can deal with life without meds, but I do believe that is a good place to start so a person can have the ability see what really works best. I have a very close friend who has chosen to not be on meds anymore and works very hard, sucessfully so, to deal with her ADD.

There are many aspects of ADD I do not like either, but if I can see a really true effort to work on and try to correct some of this, then I am okay with it. I have learned along the way how I can be most helpful to my guy with some of his ideosyncracies. It is a package deal. Both partners have to willing to work. And the effort has to be 100%. The success does not necessarily weigh in at 100% but the effort needs to be there.

I was put on Adderall and it did wonders for me, even my husband noticed a huge difference, but now I can't take it anymore. I have somehow developed a bad anxiety problem and if I take the Adderall it enduces an attack consistantly everytime now. My husband is really upset I can't take this medication anymore because I am "unbearable to live with with out it".
Wow, Bunny. I just reread your post. Once again I am a spouse of one with ADD. I think you need to send your spouse to the partner forum if he thinks you can do better than you are! He would get an earful of how lucky he is!

I hope you are going to try some other kind of medication. I believe Adderall does have a side effect of causing anxiety. There are so many different meds out there for you to try. Please just don't stop at this one. Many, many times a combination of meds is the right cocktail for someone. It is a game of sorts that you have to play to hit upon the right combo. For instance, maybe and SSRI that tends towards helping anxiety would be good to put in your mix along with either Ritalin, Concerta, Straterra.

My ADD was causing a lot of problems and I choose to seek medication. Which is a touchy subject right now. My husband too, is greatful that I care enough to work on this and get medicated, but it has also changed things. It use to be just me being a screw up and sometimes that is easier to deal with than knowing that a medical condition is adding to the fire, before it was just something I had to work on and change. This shifts the the weight more now in the fact that it explains why it isn't that easy and also the crappy part that my husband has to deal with knowing that there is indeed "something wrong with me", if you so choose to look at it that way. But I think learning about ADD is helping me and I do less crappy stuff because I know why now where as before I sort of allowed myself to slip and make mistakes, abuse substances etc. as an intense drive to fill some kind of void. Now I know that void and that feeling that lingers over me is never going to go away and nothing I do it going to make it magically feel better, for some reason knowing that and accepting that helps me function better. That yup, that sucks, but this is what I have to do, and this is what is wrong and it's not an excuse to screw up because I have an intense erge to do so. That I must control myself and improve myself, but accept myself as well. Medication helped a lot, but I keep getting panic attacks every time I take adderall/strattera (not to mention the terrible side effects). So that sucks, and I am at a loss of what to do because I do believe that proper management of this includes medication however I can't take something that I have to take Valium on daily to counter act panic attacks, I can't swell up and lose 15 pounds of water weight on off during the week and accept allergic reactions, I can't deal with the constant erge to urinate etc.... I am so tired of trying different medications, and I can tell my body is too, it's freaked out and the chemicals are messed up, I am anxious, irritable and I don't feel so great, I think I am going to take a break from the medication. I can't even drink too much coffee with out getting a panic attack right now. After I feel physcially better I am going to seek out a better doctor and then see about medication again (as well as therapy). I am hopeing after our vacation this month (15-23) that I will be feeling a little better and less beat up physcially so that I can make an appointment with another doctor and seek better treatment. For now I'm just going to use the tools that I've learned and try hard to function the best that I can until I feel like my body is stable enough again to go through some more tweaking.

I wrote my previous post before reading this one. Thank you so, so much for saying that he would hear that he was lucky. That is really nice of you. It also helps to hear that just because I haven't been so lucky with meds doesn't mean that I should give up, because I am so close to doing so in that area. It's so scary feeling even worse than when I started meds and having added problems to boot, like anxiety and chest pains all the time even after I stopped the medication. But I know that it's just part of the process and I'm going to have to suck it up and do it and find what works for me.



Wow, Bunny. I just reread your post. Once again I am a spouse of one with ADD. I think you need to send your spouse to the partner forum if he thinks you can do better than you are! He would get an earful of how lucky he is!

I hope you are going to try some other kind of medication. I believe Adderall does have a side effect of causing anxiety. There are so many different meds out there for you to try. Please just don't stop at this one. Many, many times a combination of meds is the right cocktail for someone. It is a game of sorts that you have to play to hit upon the right combo. For instance, maybe and SSRI that tends towards helping anxiety would be good to put in your mix along with either Ritalin, Concerta, Straterra.

my husband thinks i am just finding an excuse for not getting things done. i wish he just knew how much it bothers me not to get the laundry finished or the dishes washed after dinner. it is nice to know that i am not the only one that has to live with the stress of a demanding husband.

it does not help that both of my boys are adhd and odd too!

my husband thinks i am making excuses for not getting thinks done or forgetting to do something. i always start something planning on finishing but that is not what happens. i have started the laundry 5xs today and am still not done! i stay at home so i have time to get things done if i could just stay on one thing long enough to do it.
i have 2 adhd & odd boys so between me not being able to stay on track it is very hard to keep them on track too. i know that i am not as firm with them as i should be and that drives my husband crazy and then i let them get to me so we all end up fighting with each other . my husband is always full of good advise that would work for someone without adhd.
i wish i could make my husband realize that i am bother more by all the things that are not done in my house then he is! i was raised by a clean freak and i look at my house at times and think how disappointed my mom would be to see it. until i had kids i could force myself to stay on task until it was done but now with 3 ADHDers in the house it is a full time job just keeping them going in the right direction.

I'm going to throw something out here. My suspicion is that your husband is actually not very self confident. Confident people don't make people feel worse about themselves, they make them feel better. His reaction, falling apart, when you confronted him (gave him an out in the marriage) is the dead giveaway. The other clue is that you don't come across as a very confident person and men love to have someone around they can feel superior to, especially someone who considers them to be a role model. I've found an effective way to deal with someone who's overly critical is to turn the criticism around and lavish them with praise. At the same time, you have to make it clear that it's not appropriate for him to be critical of you. As an example you could tell him: "You're right, these situations make me very nervous and confused. I'm fortunate to have someone like you around who can stay composed. Also, in the future I ask that you not call me an idiot." You need to regain some of the power in the relationship. Men depend on their wives to help them with all the areas we're not competent in. I can guarantee you he has several. I'll bet you're much better than he at maintaining relationships and socializing. Talk to him about your feelings, men are horrible in that area. Also with feelings, you're never wrong, you always know how things make you feel. By the way, if he was such a stud, he'd be offering to help you with some of those activities that have you so overwhelmed.

i agree with you roger!
intelligence is intelligence is intelligence...LOL..but it seems that so many ppl just refuse to understand or believe in the problems inherent with adhd...if he recognized what those issues are and why they might of substantially effected your self esteem one would think he would put his mind to advocacy and helping you along-as well as helping himself be more understanding and compassionate...

Thank makes a lot of sense.



I'm going to throw something out here. My suspicion is that your husband is actually not very self confident. Confident people don't make people feel worse about themselves, they make them feel better. His reaction, falling apart, when you confronted him (gave him an out in the marriage) is the dead giveaway. The other clue is that you don't come across as a very confident person and men love to have someone around they can feel superior to, especially someone who considers them to be a role model. I've found an effective way to deal with someone who's overly critical is to turn the criticism around and lavish them with praise. At the same time, you have to make it clear that it's not appropriate for him to be critical of you. As an example you could tell him: "You're right, these situations make me very nervous and confused. I'm fortunate to have someone like you around who can stay composed. Also, in the future I ask that you not call me an idiot." You need to regain some of the power in the relationship. Men depend on their wives to help them with all the areas we're not competent in. I can guarantee you he has several. I'll bet you're much better than he at maintaining relationships and socializing. Talk to him about your feelings, men are horrible in that area. Also with feelings, you're never wrong, you always know how things make you feel. By the way, if he was such a stud, he'd be offering to help you with some of those activities that have you so overwhelmed.

I copy and pasted this thread, as well as some other posts of mine and e-mailed them to him (I don't want to disclose the website since this is my safe place, my husband, friends and family do not read it and so I feel more free to express myself and not cencor my feelings).

My husband said that it helped understand ADD a little better, how I feel, but that he thinks that this "forum" I speak of is a just place for a bunch of crazy people to come and whine about being crazy....

He basically is incapable of the understanding I want from him, he is such a firm believer in mind over matter, that he thinks that I'm being "crazy". Especially lately since I've developed an panic disorder, this to him is complete and total insanity. He thinks that I have, one foot in the crazy grave, because he doesn't have ADD, because he doesn't suffer from uncontrobale anxiety and panic attacks that come from no where, he simplely can not understand. He said he doesn't know who I am anymore lately, that I seem more distance and that I love him less.

I told him that I love him more now than I ever have my whole life. It is true. That just because I am not asking him "what's wrong" every five seconds, just because I don't follow him around like a puppy dog, does not mean I don't love him. He told me that isn't what he wants in a partner and that isn't what he means, his example to me was that on Friday, when I came home from work and being at wal-mart for 2 hours buying birthday, anniversary, bachlorette, and wedding shower gifts among other nessessaties....

It was incredabily stressful, and I came home and him and his friend were on the computer so I said, Hi and began to unpack the goods and put gifts into bags, sign cards and organize, crossing this stuff off my "to do lists", etc. ...

He said that I didn't give him a kiss.... that I didn't greet him with warmth. I was not beotchy, or rude, I was busy. He said that he is always sure to greets me with a kiss etc. which is true most of the time (as do I) but sometimes he doesn't when he is all stressed out and really busy or in the middle of something too. I thought it was an odd example and complaint as he does the same thing a lot and likely doesn't relize it.

I think it could have been because earlier, I called him when I was leaving work to see where he was so I could meet up with him. He acted like he was SOooooo Busy, he said he was at home, so I said, "cool, I'll see you at home then".... then he said well I'm really busy, I might be at the club or downtown, I don't know where I'll be. (but he acted as though he was irriated.)

This ticked me off for some reason, it just seemed insulting, I have a lot of things I have to do to, I understand he's busy, I just though it would be nice to meet up so we could see eachother, so instead of kissing his butt and saying that I would call and find him when I got into town, I just said, "well that's good, I'm busy too and I have some errans to run so I'll see you later tonight".... Which was true, I had to go to wal-mart and get all that stuff because he wouldn't have bought that stuff nor does he like wal-marts on weekends. But this took him off guard for some reason I could tell in his voice.... we exchanged I love you's and said good bye.

I am not angry or upset that his is unable to "get it". We still had a great weekend, had excellent conversations, made love and it was really wonderful, our conversation about disagreeing didn't seem to matter. I am seeing now that it's okay if he doesn't agree or have the same opinion, or even thinks I am "wrong" about something like my anxiety. I don't need him to understand or agree to justify it, I accept myself and I am no longer ashamed or looking for his approval in every single aspect of my life and feeling like a peice of crap if he does disagree.

I am strong enough to deal with it on my own. His love, his friendship, his time, his effort, it's enough. No one is perfect. (especailly not me) I am to the point now where I don't care if he "gets it", I will always try to explain it to him, but I can accept if he doesn't. I will go to the doctor, tell him about major stuff (if I am put on some different kind of medication), I will not keep things from him, but I don't need to discuss all of these things in detail since he is obvisously made up his mind. I see now he is just unable to understand since he isn't me, and I can live with that. As long as we are on the same page, as long as we are still best friends, as long as I can be open with him, I no longer seek for his approval or understanding of every little thing, if I did, it would drive me insane and hurt our realtionship. We are unique and complex individuals, we can disagee, we can have different opinions. As long as the we have more in common than we do less, we will be okay and thrive, learn, grow and change with each other. We fundamentally have the same opinions about religions, poliltics, relationships, and life. I think we are an excellent match and I believe with all my heart that he can't do better than me. (looks, body, etc. sure, yes of course he could do better, there is always someone better) But as far as finding someone who understands him like I do, who loves him more that I do, who can be his friend and one of the guys like me, who has the same sense of humor as me, who has the same standards and ideals as a person as me (although he would agrue I am "pretending to be someone I'm not" right now, but no, we have the same ideals and morals I assure you and him), someone who doesn't nag him like me, someone who doesn't care what he spends his money on like me, someone who doesn't cry and whine for children like me, someone who doesn't want a house and a picket fense like me, who loves to snuggle like me, someone who is as open sexually as me, someone who puts on make-up and gets dressed up so I look good for him even after 5 and a half years of being together like me, someone is as intelligent and can hold a conversation with anyone just like he can like me, someone who can put up with his perfectionist boarderline controling nature like me.... I don't think so. I am a good wife and if he thinks he can do better, then so be it.

Sure I have my flaws, but he is just as lucky to have me as I am to have him and I really believe with all that I am, that we an excellent match and neither of us will find that kind of connection, understanding, and commanilities with anyone else. If I am smart enough to know this, then so he is.

Learning more about ADD has helped me learn how to be stronger, to know what causes my erges to make mistakes and mess up, it makes me see I'm not going insane, and that is a releif, I just know what it is, and I can function better knowing that those feelings are just symtoms, not a reason to mess up or act on it. I am a becomeing a stronger person now, not afraid to take on the world, because I know that I'm going to mess up and forget stuff, that I won't catch on to some things as fast, and I won't beat myself up as bad now, I now to just keep trying, just keep my head up and just keep going.

My husband thinks that my acknowleadgeing it, knowing what is wrong, is giving me an out. That I am using it as excuse to be "crazy".... I just told him, "well, you are wrong.".

When he was telling me about how he doesn't even know me anymore.... that hurt, that really hurt, I don't know why he feels that way. I always share with him my feelings, my frustrations, all my love, all my friendship, for him to say he doesn't know me right now... it is like he punched me in the gut. I know I have problems expressing my emotions sometimes, or I can't accurately express them, but I am not that bad either, I am disappointed he feels this way, and even more hurt he feels like I love him less lately when all I've been doing is reaching out to him, I sought treatment for US, everything I do now is for US now, and he doesn't seem to see that. It's like it doesn't count because the things I reach out to him about, the things that I've been talking to him about lately, have not been music to his ears, so instead of looking at it like I'm being open with him, he's looking at it like a negative thing and freaking him out. I want to improve our relationship with more communication, but it seems like if it's not what he wants to hear, it doesn't count.

But a lot of that is because he isn't use to me being strong, and he thinks that I am weaker than normal right now because of my anxiety attacks (which are a pain in the butt but I'm not freaking out all the time, he just blows things out of proportion, so one anxiety attack becomes like 30 in his mind, that is just how he is) but the reality of it is I am taking control of my life, I am finally getting to the point where I am seeing that I'm a nice intelligent girl and I don't need anyone to reinforce that for me now.

I think a lot of my husbands feelings are coming from him not being able to trust me. I ruined a lot of our trust when I was abuseing substances and hideing it, I've hurt him, and it will take a long time to make that up to him. For him to know that I'm not pretending to be someone I am not (something he accuses me of often), to know that I am being me, that I am honestly working towards being the best person I can be for myself not just him, that our ideals, morals and goals are still the same. That was my my fault and I can never express how sorry I am, and I can only hope that he will have it in his heart to fully forgive me someday and move on because I have. I had to, I can't keep beating myself up for it, I can't keep letting the guilt of the past make me feel like a worthless horrible person. If I keep doing that I will never be able to be the person I want to, the best person I can be, I just have to let it go. I know that with my husband he has a hard time doing that, he has a hard time seeing my progress but focuses on the negative and mistakes of the past. I know that it is because he is afraid of getting hurt, afraid of getting dissappointed or let down. But like he always tells me, "we are only on this planet for a short amount of time". If he is unable to ever trust me again, then we should not be together because I can't keep living my life in the shadows of my mistakes and he can't be with someone he doesn't feel he really knows. What hurts so bad is that he does know me, he knows me better than anyone in all of this world, he just has to let himself relize that. He has to let his guard down to let me love him, because I never left, I am right here, stilll madly in love with him, still wanting to spend all the time I have in this world with him.

Remember love like you've never been hurt.

Sorry for the long post.

Did you have a chance to respond to his criticism by complimenting him? Somebody in this marriage needs to grow up and take the high road, it might as well be you. It's possible you need to focus on getting yourself healthy and let the chips fall where they may. Some husbands don't respond well when their wives make big improvements. They feel threatened. I understand a number of the marriages from "Extreme Makeover" had troubles.

Bunnystar,
Don't be apologetic about your long post. Some people surely will benefit from having read it, and others can skip over it if it is too long. I have one suggestion as a nonADD spouse: take your hubby w/ you as often as possible to your doc appts. He can ask the doc questions about ADD. The doc can set him straight over time about ADD not being an excuse. This can ameliorate your being put on the defensive. It can also take you out of the position of being the ADD expert in the family. You are still learning, right? You email to your hubby took moxie! Congrats on all your progress.


[QUOTE=bunnystar]I copy and pasted this thread, as well as some other posts of mine and e-mailed them to him

Bunny, I would suggest you try and deal with him as you did on the telephone. You didn't react, and that took him off guard.

Try it a little more and see what happens. If he is a controlling type as you suggest, then there may be more to it than is obvious. If so, by you not reacting, he won't have anything negative from you. I'm not saying this will be easy, but it may be worth the try.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this, and I hope that sometime he grows up a little and sees that nothing in this life is perfect, including himself.

I agree with GD. The email took guts! ;)

Bunnystar,
I read your post last night, and then again this morning. I've never read anything like that in my life--such an heart-rending outpouring of love and pain, hope and fear. Incredible openness and honesty in a world of plastic smiles and fake "I'm fine, how are you"s.

I'd like to tell your hubby that if he loses you, he'll never understand what he's lost until its too late, but I make it a strict rule of life to never intrude into another's marriage.

Again, thank you for sharing.

hi, i have just read your post, my husband also cannot understand the effect that add has on me. i have lost count of the times i have tried to explain them to him.
my lastest one is about my bad memory. "my mind has periods of glitches where my memory goes blank". most of the time i 'm unaware of this happening to me, why? because i have a stressful life and i tend to unwell quite a bit. both these tend exasperate my symtoms.
i sympathize with a fellow sister, i too love my husband and he me. he would be lost without me. my husband is 10 years older than i am and a bit stuck in his way.
i wish you well and hope things improve between you.

Have you tried asking a doctor if there may be some time of anxiety med. that may be taken along w/ the Adderall? Hope things improve for you, Bunny! JasonLOL yes. And if it doesn't work for you, bunnystar, with the Adderall, then give it to him. Sounds to me like he really needs to learn to relax.

Everytime I read a story like yours, I am so glad I am single. I could never do half of what you do and I am sure I would just be a little puddle on the floor if I took all of such a high-powered man's demands seriously. :)

Pat yourself on the back for all that you do accomplish.

Spotless? Who the H has a spotless house these days?

He should be kissing your toes. :p

well said bunnystar!
i can actually relate to you and your husband's situation..i don't know how though..unfortunately it is a tendency , i believe, for adhd ppl to think that we have nothing to offer, that we are weak in comparison to our peers b/c of our issues vs. their strengths...
but in reality..would you husband be half the superman and as easily if HE had adhd? not likely. not b/c its not possible..but rather he would have a lot harder road to travel on and perhaps be more compassionate towards you. but whatever. you can't make him have adhd too right? LOL
Well, yes he would have a harder road, but don't assume that would make him more compassionate. I can relate to most everything in the first post you wrote , Bunnystar. Except that my husband has ADD but is still genius level IQ, incredibly hard working, and can do anything with his hands. I sound like you except way below the level you described. YOU sound like a superwoman to me. It would be hard for any woman to handle all you described so well, much less someone with ADHD. Being mean to someone is never okay. You don't earn being kicked because you're not perfect. (I'm still working on this lesson myself, actually). Being forgetful and ditzy isn't a choice you're making -- just part of how you're wired. I know this well. My husband will yell at me for not understanding something or forgetting or losing something, but that doesn't help me be able to do it -- the stress does just the opposite. Along with the adderall and ADHD, some of your anxiety may be due to trying to live up to the impossible standard set for you. I hope you'll cut yourself some slack and take pride in what you have accomplished. You deserve his respect, not contempt!

Learning to accept yourself now is really important, because without it you'll probably never set healthy boundaries in your marriage (voice of experience here). At your age I was pretty close to perfect too (exceptional student, kept a nice house and one acre yard, worked full time) and all that with ADHD. Problem is as life goes on it gets a little more complicated -- kids are a big complication (also the most wonderful thing in the world). If you think you forget things now, wait until you have kids and they are constantly distracting you from the task at hand. Then for many of us there is that wonderful little surprise as you go through perimenopause that your ADHD symptoms get much worse and since I had my kids late in life -- the combo has me pretty rattled and my husband got pretty verbally abusive about it all. Not trying to discourage you -- just saying learning to accept small imperfections in yourself now -- while still knowing you deserve respect, will set a good pattern for later when there may be bigger imperfections to deal with. I also understand about the anxiety and panic attacks -- I've had them on and off for 20 years -- you just sound like such a terrific lady with so much to offer -- wish you all the best!

Scattered

my boyfriend has add, and so do i, and he's not very tolerant of me at all usually. he seems to be trying to help, but its more that he's getting frustrated
eg. i take a long time to get ready/ find thinkgs/ decide what i want to do. i like to look at different things along the way. etc, like when shopping (as i mentioned in another thread).

while he tries to help me, and coaches me (when he sees a problem, or when i ask for help), its when its a problem for him and he gets slightly mad (but he's not the sort to show his anger, he's more the "let's build up this anger and let it all go when one little tiny thing goes wrong after a million other things then i'll blow my head of and crush some stuff and hit everyone and yell adn go fu**ing psycho").

one thing in particular, that he says, when i walking around confused looking for stuff when im getting ready to leave the housek, or waling around stressed "what was it i needed? i dont remember what i was looking for , but damn, it was important!', and he'll stand at the bedroom door and say "come on little butterfly" and give me an interesting, encouraging/but hurry the hell up sort of look. at first i like him saying that, but now i find it very offensive.

That's funny cause for me it's my ADHD who cant stand an Husband :D
No wonder i am single :)