View Full Version : i'm tired of feeling like ****


peripatetic
12-21-11, 11:59 PM
at base, i feel like crap. both mentally and physically worn down, i have some better days, hours, moments...and some worse...but i

i don't know. even eralier tonight i had this "realization": i feel like ****. the only thing that makes me feel more like **** is that i simply have no clue how to deal with this pervasive nagging feeling of feeling like ****.

k mentioned to me oncethat the period of feeling like **** from grief is thought to be around two years. TWO ******* YEARS?!?!?! i love you k,but man i hope you're wrong on that one:cool: i'm so ******* over myself and my persistent whole person **** feeling.

StoicNate
12-22-11, 01:18 AM
Hmm, like depressed ****?
Or like self-hate ****?

Describe more of what kind of **** you are talking about.
Maybe you need more hours of sleep.

Andi
12-22-11, 01:36 AM
Sounds like depressed **** to me and it sounds like **** you may want to seek medical attention. No need for you to do this **** alone, sweetie.

Know that I adore and appreciate you woman. Please talk to your doc...take care of your ****.

Fortune
12-22-11, 01:51 AM
I agree with Andi on this. It's probably a good idea for you to see your psychiatrist (if you have one) or find one if you currently do not. Even grief counseling can be very helpful whether you're actually depressed or not.

salleh
12-22-11, 02:20 AM
Peri, is this the first person you've lost ? .....or perhaps the closest person ? ....Any words I might say are not even close enough to assauge your pain .....I have been down that road ....more times than I care to think .....starting with my best friend who died at 28, of colon cancer ...., the next year, my guy best friend ....lost 2 days after Christmas, killed instantly in a motorcylce accident at noon, on a sunny day, the driver of the truck was clean as was George.....

My father the year after .....everytime I started to come out of it, the fates knocked me back down to my knees again ....I got punch drunk with the pain ....and along with that I had a lot of other important loses at the same time...like my life that I loved dearly trading it for a move back to LA, .....arghh ....

the the is ....when things go south like that ....there's not much you can do to stop it ....it is out of your hands.....I fell apart....seriously .....and it did last for years .....


The one thing that I think you might do to help is find a therapist or some kind of professional help.....someone who will listen and help you work out the tangled feelings you're living through .......I might not have dived so deeply had I sought out some help....but this was long before the internet, and hadn't a clue about how to deal with all of it .....


....The reality is that there's no short cut .....I know of no way to make feeling your loss less intensely .....it is, I am afraid, a matter of time .....and every person is different in how long the intense mourning period lasts.....WHen my sister died, ( at 46) I cried every day for a year, and I will never really stop feeling the pain of losing here .....


....Only one thought really ever helped me much ...and that is that thoe people I lost .....they were amazing ....and I felt lucky to have had them in my life,.....and while I feel cheated in their lives cut short, and the lose of so much time that we will never spend together .....I did have them in my life .....and that was a priviledge......and I would take a short period of time with each of them , rather than none at all ....


not saying any of this very well....Not trying to one up on ya ....just trying to say ....I do understand loss....only too well....and I wish I had a magic wand to wave to ease your mind and your pain .....

Abi
12-22-11, 06:44 AM
I love you, Peri <333

sarek
12-22-11, 07:23 AM
I love you, Peri <333

And me too!

Abi
12-22-11, 07:25 AM
You love me too? :eek:

;)

sarahsweets
12-22-11, 07:37 AM
Peri you rock ...even if you feel like Sh** ,deal with sh**, fling sh++,or give sh** to someone else. I don't know your grief, I can only say that I understand the pain that you feel down inside. Grief feels like your heart physically aches and no amount of tears or what ifs can make it any easier to cope with. Just know that at least for me, you will never be judged for how long you should or shouldn't feel something or whether you should "get over it ". You're allowed to feel pain and take as long as a you fu**ng want to move on. I'm sending virtual hungs your way and a "holla sister " right at you.

Edit :I've hugs not hungs

foggedup
12-22-11, 11:54 AM
...
i don't know. even eralier tonight i had this "realization": i feel like ****. the only thing that makes me feel more like **** is that i simply have no clue how to deal with this pervasive nagging feeling of feeling like ****.


How long has this particular ****y episode been running? I heard somewhere that 6-months is a good indicator of something deeper going on. Could just be an emotional flashback of sorts from whatever happened 2 yrs ago?

I just got over a case of feeling like **** this weekend. 4 days couped up at home, pms'ing. Good times. Little things annoyed me, I was bored, no energy or desire to walk the dog (but knowing full well exercise was exactly what I needed), no desire to do anything like read or watch a movie, but at the same time insanely restless and just had to get out.

Don't tell anyone, but I was looking forward to going back to work Monday.. How wrong is that? Just to be around people..

angora
12-22-11, 12:19 PM
Coherant replies are not my forte and I'm crying right now so it's even harder.

6 months to two years is an average - everyone is different. Do what you need to do for you.

Grief affects my heart and my brain - so thinking and reacting logically is even more difficult.

I don't know how to distinguish grief and depression in myself, i.e. I think it's still grief right now from losing my mom but maybe not? I hope you do talk to your doctor about it.

I don't think the feeling of loss ever goes away, but for me, I get to a point where I remember the good things more and smile and laugh instead of crying.

(hugs)

LynneC
12-22-11, 02:01 PM
I don't think the feeling of loss ever goes away, but for me, I get to a point where I remember the good things more and smile and laugh instead of crying.
Yes, this for me, too... ^

ginniebean
12-22-11, 03:03 PM
I'm going to ditto Andi on this one Peri.

(((((hugs)))))))

peripatetic
12-23-11, 01:41 AM
i've only skimmed and want to read more thoroughly so's to answer questions, etc, but i'm so touched by your posts. i really appreciate the suggestions and caring and, of course, i love you too abi and sarek :)

a few things i probably should've noted in my exasperated little rant of a thread start/questions i recall folks asking from the skim:

1. yes, i do have a psychiatrist and he is up-to-date on my life. i've seen him for...........since about 2005,i think...? he's the third i've had as an adult,and arguably the "bestt" (which really amounts to beinig my favourite one...but i've only switched physicians when i've moved and iti's not that the others weren't quality or anyting). as those of you who'vebeen around longer/know me better are aware, i have a thick head sometimes and nearly three years ago now (wow! i can't believe it's been that long:eek:) i went off meds for a few weeks, got into heaps of trouble, and as a result he wanted to see me more frequently. the reason i mention that is because for most of my life i saw my person every few months...except when i was in chicago because illinois law is different for prescribing, or was...but for awhile now i've gone at most three weeks between visits. i have a filter problem anyway so,suffice it to say, i let it all hang out in appointments and he's heard anything and everything that comes to mind.

2. given #1, you might be thinking, what is he doing about/suggesting you do about it? well, it's complicated. he has said ihave circumstantial...or is it situational (?) depression--i don't recall the exact term, but if neither of the above it's some other synonym for transient and contextual. in the first couple of months he encouraged benzodiazepenes--which i can't really handle taking and so waved off. more recently he's been encouraging grief support groups and such--which, i've also waved off because i've been to loads of such things for adhd throughout life and abhor them.

3. one other complication: mayybe not the first month or two, but at some point (and i forget when this conversation arose, but it wasn't super recently either) he noted that in most cases of this nature he'd prescribe an anti depressant. that's not an option for me. i can explain more if folks really want to konw, but in short, you know how there are some antidepressants prescribed for adhd? well, i well hell bent on reducing the number of times i had to take medication througout the day and saw one of those antidepressant options as the solution. within a cuople of days i was ready for the psych ward. no joke. thus, no antidepressants for me.

4. someone mentioned what happened two years ago...? he died 7 months, 16 days and 9.5 hours ago. my friend noted that i might feel like **** for two years and so maybe that's where you got that?? unsure.

5. salleh: no, he's not the first person i've lost, not remotely, but i'd say he was the closest. though my nuclear family's quite small (i'm an only child), my extended family is ******* enormous and "turnover", so to speak, is frequent as a result. they're all in ireland, however, and i've largely seen them maybe four months out of the year,maximum and it's just different. i've also lost friends here and there, but, again, different somehow. the only really "comparable" loss was my mum when i was sixteen. i can't say i handled it especially well (given i dropped out of school, took the GED exam, packed up my volvo and evacuated the small mountain town i grew up in within a month of her leaving), i was never rendered non functional by it. not at all, in fact. if you're wondering why my own mum's passing didn't have the same impact, i'd say the main reason is i had a lot more time to ....well, kinda "make peace" with it because the last seven years of her life she was lucid less than a handful of moments.

6. natey: depressed or self loathing? eh...kinda both, but i'd say the **** feeling is the former, though clearly this thread was started due to a burst of the latter.

7. ptsd: nobody mentioned it, but thought i'd note that this is the diagnosis i'mgoing to get if something doesn't change.

8. grief counseling: yeah, i agree that i need to look into that.

9. well, i think i've probably replied to most things...so perhaps no need for a second post tonight. i do want to say that as harrowing as my ...present overall experience of life, i guess, may've sounded at the outset, i actually am much better now than i was and so i do have hope. :)

also, i adore and appreciate you,too, andi:) and cheers to everyone who took thetime to post, to read, to thank, etc. :)

Blueranne
12-23-11, 02:01 AM
I wanted to ask you this yesterday but something came up and somehow it all slipped my mind, I was wonder what things/activities bring you relief from your pain. Is there something that at least serves as a distraction?

I hate that you are going through this. I wish I could help you somehow.

tudorose
12-23-11, 09:05 AM
Hey Peri, I found that things got really hard about 6 - 9 months after my Dad passed away. I literally felt so xxxx that I thought I didn't have much longer to live. Everyone here helped and I got some grief counselling. The feelings will pass. Take care

Possum
12-23-11, 11:19 AM
[[[HUGS]]] When you're going through hell, keep going. (Winston Churchill) The grieving process just takes time, and different people process their grief differently. There is no "right" amount of grieving. I agree with the others that a grief support group might be helpful to you. Force yourself to do things with other people. Try to go out and walk or get some other type exercise.

When I lost my Dad - he was the parent I was closest to - I felt terrible grief. Then his brother - my fav uncle - died 3 months after my Dad. It was too much. Lucky for me, I had a very good friend who helped me through that time. I also came to feel that my Dad was not really gone because I carry him still in my heart. I know that you, too, carry your loved one in your heart. Time takes time, and slowly but surely your grief will become easier to bear. I think of my Dad everyday. I will never forget him until the day I die.

ADHDTigger
12-23-11, 05:24 PM
Glad I have this handy hammer...

Peri, I hate to break this to you- and I mean that sincerely- but it has now been 15 months, 19 days, five hours, and five minutes since I heard my husband take his last breath.

Ever hear of Complicated Grief? It's also called "Prolonged Grief Disorder". I'll wait here while you Google it. Or I can just give you some info.

In a nutshell, it is exactly as your doc described- situational depression. That is to say a depression that is focused on a single life event and is not a feature of an existing depressive disorder.

From Grief Healing Support:
Complicated Grief or Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD) may occur when normal grief and loss processes appear to become 'stuck' and the symptoms continue unresolved for months and perhaps years.

The nature and closeness of the relationship you had with your loved one (such as the death of a partner, child or parent) and the nature of death (for instance a tragic death) may also prolong the grieving process.

If the usual feelings of disbelief, loss, anguish and bitterness over your loss do not go away after six months or more, and if you have difficulty functioning normally, you may have symptoms of Prolonged Grief Disorder (or Complicated Grief).

There is a group trying to get DSM recognition for this specific kind of depression.

Learn more here: http://www.grief-healing-support.com/complicated-grief.html

The website lists the Consensus Criteria for Prolonged Grief Disorder as well as some coping strategies. Various opinions have come out regarding the use of anti-depressants for PGD. What I have seen generally suggests that they are largely ineffective because the issue is not based in Major Depressive Disorder.

What do I personally know? Among other things, that it has only gotten worse. I have the cognitive function of a paper napkin. I have to remind myself to do things like shower, put on shoes, get the mail, and leave the house. I often resent anything that makes me leave the house. I still cry every day. I have to actively keep myself from driving to the cemetery at all hours- the cemetery is a two hour drive.

There's more but you get the picture.

What has helped? Grief support groups, seeing my therapist regularly, recognizing that crying happens... but if it happens while driving, pulling over is a good plan. I do things that I *should* do- socialize, leave the house, find activities that I can participate in- even when those are the last things in the world I WANT to do.

Some days, I have to be willing to give myself a gold star for simply getting through the day. Some days I have to recognize that getting through the day is all I had the ability to do.

How long will you grieve? *Forever* How long will it feel as it does now? Until it feels different.

The fact that you are sick of feeling as you do may actually be the signal that you are ready to move into a new space. The question is, how do you WANT to feel?

A final thought... I found that the more people told me- essentially- to "buck up", the less able I was to do so. Don't allow people outside of your own skin tell you how to grieve or how to feel. Don't allow people to give you the message that you "should" be over it, further along, or moved on. In short, don't allow others to do violence to your reality. You are where you are, wherever that is. Remember that it took a whole lot of work to get here.

(((hugs))) You know where to find me.

peripatetic
12-24-11, 04:01 PM
thank you, tigs:)

honestly, i dn't know how i want to feel. i will say not feeling at all is a bad scene for me..but...yeah...just flummoxed otherwise.

retro sent me a facebook link awhile ago on grief and i looked at it more today.

blue....yeah...there are thigns that distract me. somemore and some far less "healthy"...but that's been pivotal really. for a few months i was absolutely incapable of beingdistracted at all. it's hard even now. for awhile EVERYTHING was about eshy....which amounts to everything being about me...:o and i vacillate ono wanting to only talk about him....versus wanting to be distracted. as far asspecificdistractions go there's: ringing doi and a few others, getting worked up about something unrelated, running, smoking grass, and failing miserably to be cheerful whilst (in the lastmonth, maybe) leaving my house.

pechemignonne
12-24-11, 04:53 PM
I found that the more people told me- essentially- to "buck up", the less able I was to do so. Don't allow people outside of your own skin tell you how to grieve or how to feel. Don't allow people to give you the message that you "should" be over it, further along, or moved on. In short, don't allow others to do violence to your reality. You are where you are, wherever that is. Remember that it took a whole lot of work to get here.
Wow, some people are un-frikin-believable. I don't understand how someone could say to another human being who has experienced a tragic loss that they have gone over the scheduled "grieving time".

Everybody is different.

Jeez, I mean, this is not at all in the same order of magnitude, but when I broke up with my first boyfriend (who I thought was the love of my life, I had been with for three years, I was 18) I was depressed about it for months afterwards. So when I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while, and we were talking about how I was doing, she said "You're still not over that? It's been months.."

I was livid. I could have strangled her.

I have no idea what it's like to lose someone close to me the way other people do, so I can only imagine what it would feel like to be grieving someone's *death*, and someone I have been with for decades instead of a few years, and be told to "get over it."

I think that I would probably be writing from a prison if that were the case.

Un-frikin-believable.

Peri, take the time you need. F anyone who tell you different.

anonymouslyadd
12-24-11, 06:41 PM
A final thought... I found that the more people told me- essentially- to "buck up", the less able I was to do so. Don't allow people outside of your own skin tell you how to grieve or how to feel. Don't allow people to give you the message that you "should" be over it, further along, or moved on.

^^^^^This never worked for me when I was depressed (obviously haven't been through what both you have) and actually made me feel worse.

ADHDTigger
12-24-11, 08:43 PM
The hard, cold truth is that people want you to be over it so that they can get on with life. My husband hadn't been dead a month before I was hearing things that, in a nutshell, told me to get over it. Even to the point of asking me when I planned to start dating. My answer- "I'm married. Married people don't date." There are people who are not a part of my circle any longer over that one.

People told me that they "knew how I felt"... generally people who had never had to watch their beloved spouse die. Often, people who had never been married.

I think that there is a desire to believe that a sympathy card and flowers "fixes" it. Umm... no.

It has taken fifteen months to even be able to see how numb I was. With the perspective of hindsight, I can see how numb I still am... and when that can be valuable.

Schadenfreude, thy name is Tigger. I had errands that I had to complete this morning. Of course, EVERY radio station was playing Christmas music. I left the house fighting tears and it didn't really get any better. As I was pulling onto my street having finished my errands, the Christmas carol that came over the radio was "You're a Mean One (Mister Grinch)". All nine verses.

I actually laughed at that. Sat in my garage and listened to it until it was over.

Grief is a complex thing. For instance, grief can kill. The surviving spouse is 70% more likely to die in the first year, 60% in the next, and so on. Grief is an executive function dysfunction- which is why my cognitive grasp has... loosened. Everyone goes through grief but no one really knows or understands anything about it.

My grief therapist talks about "sharing the story". Essentially, remembering and honoring the life with your beloved, and incorporating him into the life without him. I can't claim to have proficiency with it yet, but I find that I am comforted by seeing him- in pictures on my walls, on video, anywhere I can put his image. Not saying that is the best or only way, just what I do.

I haven't figured out yet how to be distracted. Again- that's me. Other people, other things.

The raw truth- you do it the way you do it. There is no magic path through the forest, only your own trail of bread crumbs. My constructive advice would be limited to reminding yourself of the insidious nature of depression and at least seeing when it's time to call out the cavalry.

I told one of my docs that it is obscene to ask me to fight to live when I'm still trying to figure out why I would want to. It's REASONABLE to question your existence without your beloved. That said, it is not reasonable to make any key decisions at this time. That takes suicide off the table and is a reminder that you need to tell someone should you have those thoughts.

If you are like me, you've gotten a ton of advice. What I did was pick something that sounded like it might be helpful and do that. For me it was a grief support group. I didn't like the first one I found so I went to one I did like. When I am ready, I will try something else.

Do what works- for now- for you. The thing you try today can be replaced tomorrow. The challenge is to do SOMETHING.

Remember that you aren't losing him or being unfaithful or less loyal because you feel a bit better. Yes, I KNOW how tough that is.

(((hugs)))

pechemignonne
12-25-11, 09:49 AM
The hard, cold truth is that people want you to be over it so that they can get on with life.

So sad but so true. It's like how people want you to stop being sick. Your grief or illness makes them uncomfortable, so they want you to get better on their timeline.

Like the discomfort that they feel is something that *you* are doing to *them*.

My husband hadn't been dead a month before I was hearing things that, in a nutshell, told me to get over it.
I have no words. A month? That kind of thing is, as I said, inappropriate at any time, but a month?

Why didn't they just try to set you up with their cousin for the funeral? :rolleyes:

Anyway, I can't speak for peri, but I think that your advice is very sound and very intelligent. I think it is helpful for anyone going through any kind of grief.

Bluerose
12-30-11, 05:38 AM
Peri,

I’m soooooooo sorry you feel so bad.

Just don’t know what else to say and can only hope that this finds you feeling a little better today.

stef
12-30-11, 06:23 AM
Peri,

Iím soooooooo sorry you feel so bad.

Just donít know what else to say and can only hope that this finds you feeling a little better today.

Same from me;
I agree with absolutely everything Tig said. My mom went through all of this too...(except that it was not illness, but sudden).

I don't really think anyone told her she should "get over it". In fact, she was interested in dating at one point, and some people were kind of put off by that.

peripatetic
12-30-11, 01:28 PM
just to be clear nobody has suggested i "get over" eshy's death. at least not to me directly. perhaps people think it and are wisely keeping their mouths shut to me, as those who suggested it to tigs should have done.

i'm looking forward to the end of 2011, that's for sure. fortunately, that's coming quite soon;)

BR549
12-30-11, 02:47 PM
just to be clear nobody has suggested i "get over" eshy's death. at least not to me directly. perhaps people think it and are wisely keeping their mouths shut to me, as those who suggested it to tigs should have done.

i'm looking forward to the end of 2011, that's for sure. fortunately, that's coming quite soon;)

I haven't posted in this thread because I didn't have anything to add that hadn't already been said. :)

I don't think we ever get over the death of someone we love. I think time makes it easier to deal with our grief and accept what has happened.

I think that the pain from losing that person will be with us forever. Sometimes that pain is stronger than others, especially when we are presented with something or situations that remind us of them. To suggest that someone needs to get over the death of someone they loved, well, to me that's just incredibly insensitive. I think we all move forward and through our grief and pain in different ways and at different times.

Tigs said it best:

The raw truth- you do it the way you do it. There is no magic path through the forest, only your own trail of bread crumbs. My constructive advice would be limited to reminding yourself of the insidious nature of depression and at least seeing when it's time to call out the cavalry.

If you are like me, you've gotten a ton of advice. What I did was pick something that sounded like it might be helpful and do that. For me it was a grief support group. I didn't like the first one I found so I went to one I did like. When I am ready, I will try something else.

Do what works- for now- for you. The thing you try today can be replaced tomorrow. The challenge is to do SOMETHING.

Remember that you aren't losing him or being unfaithful or less loyal because you feel a bit better. Yes, I KNOW how tough that is.

Definitely words of wisdom that I am keeping filed away because I know I will one day benefit from them. :)

Most of us wish that we had a person like you in our lives. To have a friendship like you and Esh had. To have someone that we could rely on no matter what. Someone who sees the good in us and who would genuinely miss us and mourn for us should we pass. Friends like you are rare indeed.

salleh
12-30-11, 10:11 PM
Sure are some smart people around here huh ? .....


and this time of year is sooooo hard, and then the med shortage on top of it ,......not doing that well myself the past couple of week.....lost my dad 2 days before Christmas, my best friend George, 2 days after Christmas....my son, who wants nothing to do with me .....was born New Years Day ......fun fun fun .....


.....and all of those things happened decades ago ....they still hurt .....but it doesn't sit on me the way it did for the first years......it does ease up while never leaving .....the only way to understand that is to live through it ......and I am afriad that is the price for caring ......


but even the stiffness of that price is worth it ......although the guys in George's band and I still can't talk about him without tearing up ....and it's been 30 years now .......



one thing that helped me get through several times of losing people .....was my cats.....at one point if my garage had been empty, I wouldn't be here.....except I couldn't leave my cats to their fates......they were my babies......


......animals have a way of being there for you and filling your heart in a way that a human can't ......and it does help .....so I forget, Peri.....do you have any critters? .....if not, perhaps a kitten or a puppy ......

RedHairedWitch
12-30-11, 10:43 PM
*hugs*

Rebelyell
12-30-11, 11:20 PM
Hugs not telling you to get over anything but sometimes to keep yourself busy can help keep your mind off it for awhile,people have told me.Adhd tigger I never saw my significant other die I saw both my parents go.After my dad died we were all sick it seemed for months.After my mom died 1 month later I got so sick I ws told I was close to biting it too.For months after she was gone I had dreams of her shaking and so sick and Id be hugging her and Id wake up shaking and in tears.Or id be at work and Id think of her and I came close to losing it several times at work that summer.Idk if thats pstd or not but I know Ive been thru alot of bs inmy short 37 yers of life and I do relate and understand what your going thru,have been thru and wll go thru.People grieve in different ways so its hard to say how any 1 reacts to it.

peripatetic
12-31-11, 12:38 AM
cheers guys :)

yes, salleh. i have orwell (an australian shepherd...i had let him go to the farm for awhile out of fairness to him, but he's back with me full time now:D) and newton (a feline of some variety....****, i forget which...he's relaly cute though...). both are on my profile albums if you want to take a peek :)

salleh
12-31-11, 11:18 AM
Oh my Peri ....they are cutie pies.....and that Newton .....those wide blue eyes ......and don't Aussie Shepards have blue eyes too ? ......they are smart dogs ....but shepards always are .....bred into them ......


good, you have critters to love you .....I really think critters get us through the hardest of times ....and no matter how much your heart is breaking ...they need to have boxes changed and walks taken and food put out .....those homely chores help keep one grounded .......even when you don't wanna be .....



and Peri, I hope this year is better for you .....

pechemignonne
01-03-12, 04:59 PM
I agree. Pets can really help.

Nothin' like some critter cuddles.

Saboit
01-03-12, 05:04 PM
I hope you feel better ;)