If there is another thread already dealing with parent teacher conferences I could not find it so please feel free to join this to it if one does exist.

You ever have one of those days? Your riding along with the wind current on your magic carpet a big stupid grin on your face then whoosh someone snatches your carpet and you plummet face first to the earth :confused:

I am happy to say that Dakota is in a new enviroment (middle school) were bullying is not tolerated and the teachers are actually interested in every aspect of his life from pets to chores, parents thought and ideas to siblings. My boy is excelling once again.

After last year's bout with deep depression, physical and mental bullying, dropping grades, low self esteem, fights and suicide attempt. It's like a whole new world for us. :D Dakota is back in the excellerated program and receiving nothing lower so far then a 98%, he's making really wise choices in the friends that he chooses, defending himself, ideals and beliefs, playing sports and is much more manageable at home. Someone snatched my boy from his body and replaced him with a WONDER kid.

So, now it's Lexi's turn :(. Lexi is so complicated her teacher states she is un-interested in class and could do so much better if she'd just apply herself (this is something, we already know). She's been the instigator of many bullying sessions (something I will not abide by), she takes off and doesn't come home until she wants to (stopped only by taking her to school and picking her up--we live two blocks from the school that's it how does she lose her way home so fast?), ignoring the teacher and at home she's a holy terror. I can't help but ask myself is she naughty or ODD? And is it ADD or just plain not wanting to do something that bores her? WEll, there is one thing about kids they find new and interesting ways to get your blood flowing and your heart pumping.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder were the Parental Police are? I mean kids have court appointed supervisor's in abuse situations to make sure they are in a safe and secure enviroment, were's my supervisor who makes sure my kids aren't being abusive to me? What a day...good thing it's half over. :D (bright side to everything)

Anyways, lost track of my mind for a sec. The question is how do you handle teacher's who seem more interested in attacking your parental skills rather then trying to work together to find the answer? Lexi's teacher didn't really attack me but didn't really seem interested in figuring out if there was a cycle to these behaviours...time of day, certain subject, etc. I learning the hard way with Dakota stepped back and am coming with you for advice before I set my game plan in motion.

Help :eek:

...but it just goes around and around, without much thrill, and without getting anywhere. I prefer the Roller Coaster." - grandma in Parenthood

sorry to hear about your latest challenge cherity. i guess kids just want to keep life interesting for us. you know, keep us young. the lives of families raising children definitely resemble a roller coaster *not* a merry-go-round!

and a big *YEA* for stepping back from a situation which could have gotten out of control fast.

i'm glad to hear that you've realized that the teacher isn't attacking your parenting skills, she is just coming at the problem from a different perspective. her job is to figure out a way to make lexi behave in class, so that she'll be a successful learner. your job has a much bigger scope, you want her to succeede in life.

if the teacher fails lexi, i'm sure it's a bummer, but, next year there's a whole new bunch of kids to deal with. so, what she learns from the situation may benefit another of her students, but, lexi is onto another teacher. however, if you and doug fail lexi.... well, lets not go there because that AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!! (besides, i may be off base...?)

anyway, let the teacher know the method to your madness. in other words, *why* do you want to look for a pattern? it makes sense to me, you look for a pattern because if you can figure out *why* lexi is bullying (or uninterested in class, or whatever) then you can figure out how to come at the problem and find the best solution.

so, how to make the teacher your ally....

maybe try a simple statement of what *you* need help with -- clearly identify what you need from the teacher.

"i need help figuring out *why* lexi is behaving inappropriately. if i can figure out *why* it's happening, i can figure out the best way to stop it. then i can help lexi figure out a better way to deal with *whatever* the problem is. i just need some help figuring out *what* the problem is!!!"

"i realize that lexi's behaviour at school is unacceptable. i hope we can get to the bottom of this. it helps me to know *why* this might be happening. if she's worse after lunch, maybe i need to talk to the lunch aides again, if she's worse at the end of the day, maybe she's over-stimulated and needs a place to mellow (library to read? rather than going out for the last recess?). your observations are invaluable to me in trying to find the pattern. so, thank you for doing this for me. in the meantime, what consequences are in place for "x" behaviour."

then you two decide which behaviour you'll both be working on first with lexi. and, you'll come up with rewards and consequences for *that* behaviour.

so, which problem are you going to deal with first? make sure you and lexi's teacher have the same goal.

at some point (maybe this would even be the first thing you ask her for? i can see that your list is already started....) it would be helpful to have the teacher list in order of importance behaviours lexi needs to improve. you can compare lists and decide together which one to solve first.

those are my thoughts. please take what you need and leave the rest. i know that most of this is stuff you already know, or may be doing. but, sometimes it's helpful to jog the memory, or even just confirm that the direction you are heading in is the right one. ;)

good luck, cherity.

wheezie

I can't believe I didn't think of it myself. How many times do I tell people put it on paper first and re-work it from all angles. Thanks wheezie things just don't look so helpless after all. And to keep them moving positivly I think I'll keep further communication for a little while on paper with this teacher. While I'm learning to control my words in anger I still have a lot of issue's with my body language. Thanks, thanks, thanks

your welcome. :)

thanks for the feedback futs - it feels good to know that i shared something that you found helpful.

it's also nice to see that you've got the wind back in your sails. :D

I did try and give you some reputation points but I have to spread some around before giving you more points. Geesh how am I supposed to keep track of everyone I give points too and while I'm at it you should probably stop giving such good advice since I can't give you anymore points.

I feel tired but am re-charged and ready to look at it from a different angle. I looked at it from my angle and forgot for a minute that there are many angles in a circle. and it's going to take all of us to do this right. Thanks again and you alway's brighten my day.

I feel tired but am re-charged and ready to look at it from a different angle. I looked at it from my angle and forgot for a minute that there are many angles in a circle. and it's going to take all of us to do this right. Thanks again and you alway's brighten my day.

LOL! you are too funny! i'll just *know* that i'll be sitting somewhere - maybe volunteering during math in my daughter's class- and i'll get a bit giggly. all because i'll be thinking, there are many angles in a circle. thanks for the chuckle. :D and the compliments. :o

well you know what I mean lol I cannot be held accountable for what I say after my fourth hour straight in the forums.

Futs, I sympathize with your reputation problem... it takes a LOT of spreading around before you can give it to someone a second time. So I've gone ahead and done it for you. Congrats Wheezie. :D

Thank you WC I appreciate and it.

"you like me! you *really* like me!" :D

thanks guys.

w.

You've disabled your reputation, or everybody would be able to see how much people like you :D

lol How do you do that I don't want everyone knowing I don't have any points lmbo

Lexi's teacher asked for another conference yesterday. I was informed that the school system did not believe Lex was ADD...you see ADD is the in-ability to pay attention (yes I know this) and kids with ADD fidgit during class (yes I know this as well) but Lexi sits and stares into space, can't stop talking and is extremely disorganized so she can't have ADD *looks confused*. Now correct me if I'm wrong but being spacey, disorganized and the inability to shut up signs of ADD? I could have screamed. I didn't realize they have added psychology to a teacher's curriculum. I'm so mad right now it's funny. I mean what makes her think she more educated and qualified to counter diagnose the dx of a pediatrician and a psychologist?

what a great opportumity to for you, futs. you get a chance to teach someone who's influence is far-reaching, what innatentive ADD looks like. here's a good article to start with ....

http://www.ldonline.org/ld_indepth/add_adhd/nadeau.pdf

""Is Your Daughter a Daydreamer, Tomboy or "Chatty Kathy"? She May Have Undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder"
Contributed by: Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D. (Posted on 2000-09-07)

Most parents today have heard a great deal about Attention Deficit Disorder. When they hear that term, it's likely that a hyperactive little boy comes to mind. Boys with ADD, are easy to spot in the classroom, and are much more likely to be referred for an evaluation. Most questionnaires used to screen children for ADD emphasize items which describe these boys, items about hyperactivity, impulsivity and defiant behavior. Only those few girls who are like these boys with ADD are sent for assessment. The ratio of children referred to clinics for ADD evaluations continues to be about four or five boys for each girl.

What we are beginning to realize is that there are many girls left undiagnosed because their symptoms look different. One big difference is that girls are less rebellious, less defiant, generally less "difficult" than boys. Sadly, they lose out due to their good behavior. It's the squeaky wheel that gets oiled. When a boy is causing frequent discipline problems, either at home or in the classroom, he will quickly be referred for treatment. Parents and teachers alike want quick relief from their constant challenges. Girls are more compliant, and are not as easy to spot. Often they are left to drift along from one school year to the next, never working up to their potential. Girls with ADD are not all alike. As we mentioned earlier, there are a few girls whose behavior closely resembles the behavior of boys with ADD. But what about those who don't?

(continued -- see link) "

GO GET 'EM, FUTSY! :D

Thanks wheezie you have just given me a great platform. I'm not sure I can think of it as a great opportunity but I think hiding my intellect has done me no favors lately. I tend to play the dumb housewife gig too far and it's time to stop and show them that not only do I know what I'm speaking about but I also know my daughter's rights. It's not a fight I'm looking for but a compromise for my daughter's sake and if in the end other children benifit it's an added bonus.

Good luck, Futs. We, too, from the 1st grade on (my son is now in the 8th) have had to educated teachers every year about what it means to be ADHD. Some are really open and interested, others it's just too much work. I can only say we've had the most luck approaching them from the stand point of empathizing with their problems...for example...

"I realize how difficult it is these days to be a teacher because......."
"I really admire what you do and want to help....."
"We want to be active parents, working WITH the school....."
"How can we help you......"

I don't know if that helps, but I know if I go in with my hackle raised I don't get anywhere. They just become very defensive and that's the end of it.

I, too, don't understand why the schools don't insist on their teachers taking at least a one day seminar in regards to ADD...the problem exists in every school and so much could be resolved if the school system, itself, tried a few new tactics instead of just jumping all over the kids and the parents. Here's hoping for a better future....

Kim

Its hard to hear that our kids are not being given all the help they need at school, as its most parents dream for their children to have a good education and to improve there lifestyle in the future and a good education is just the first step on the long road of life.

I do believe that going in all guns blazing is not the answer, although that's the way it makes us feel most of the time when we are just not being heard.

When people start to attack we naturally become defensive and a lot of the time nothing is achieved for either side and the frustration starts to set in and build.

Another approach is the kill them with kindness approach which sounds sort of strange but it can be a very effective way to succeed in what you want to do.

This means that no matter what they do to you, or say to you, you smile and keep cool. You speak to them in a calm, cool voice. Try this technique and it will amaze you how it boggles their minds every time as they don't know what to think of you. They simply cannot understand how you can be so calm and unaffected by their bad attitude.

Anything is worth a try when it comes to our kids right, so its just another option to think about

I'm still working on my educational letter. I feel that right now is not the time to approach her in person due to my in-ability to control my anger and irritation. I do need to do a lot of tweeking on the letter which contains information, links and suggestions for reading due to the fact that is is probably very condescending.

Thanks ladies