View Full Version : Ashamed of my messy home- I need guidance and help, please!

01-28-12, 04:20 PM
Okay, it is taking me all the pride i can muster to even ask for help, because this is a huge shame to me and I hate admitting this, but here goes. I am confident that i won't get any more shaming or judgement from you guys, because maybe there are people here who understand :)

My house is a complete disaster and I am ready to once and for all get rid of the chaos in here with a complete overhaul but I have no idea where to start. My ADHD really does not help this at all, even with my medication, because I don't have a plan to stick to. I have tried asking my mom for help, but when she comes over to help she says "ohhhh dear, oh dear" and sighs alot. she is not mean, is helpful but we get a couple hours into it, she gets tired and says 'we'll do the rest later' .... that is not how my brain works. I can't just wait and start where we left off. Hher intentions are good i love her to death, but we do not mesh well in accomplishing this task.

some background info....
After some assets were sold from my great-grandmothers estate, I received an inheritance that enabled me to buy my own home I finally decided that It was time for me to move out of my parents house. I had been living with them since I became pregnant, got sober and split from my ex three years ago (all of this happened at the same time thank God :) Anyway, a little over a year ago with the money I was given I bought my home.

I have been gifted hand-me-down pieces of furniture which suits me just fine, but I never really organized my things when i moved in. I don't have any dressers, bookcases, etcetera, because after paying cash for my house, paying off lingering student loans and credit card debts I racked up while I was in the midst of my addiction, I did not have much money left over.
My sons toys have gone in plastic bins, clothes hung up or folded in the bins for off-season things, but otherwise, i have just crap everywhere. I don't have a specific place for anything, everything just sits where it is most of the time.

I have almost everything I could ever want or need in life, and I am so happy with where I am now- except for this one part!!

I have no idea how to organize, clean, keep up my home along with a 2 year old and full-time hectic job. I am talking about extremely cluttered here, i have laundry all over the floor, I barely have time to do one load every night and keep my son entertained and fed. And by the time i get home from work, my ADHD medication is wearing off and I am getting sleepy and cranky and ****** off at myself because i let things get so messy around here, and the cycle continues.

Luckily I have a dishwasher for dishes, and my trash always gets thrown out, my bathroom gets cleaned every weekend (its so small its easy for me to handle) so i am not living in disgusting filth, just overwhelming mess. Other clutter just stays put because it seems like such a scary task to try to tackle with no idea where to start. shoes, my sons toys, books, etc, are everywhere. it doesn't look like Hoarders but if I do not do something now it might.

Does anybody out there have some ADHD friendly whole-house-overhaul tips for me? I am ready to do this TODAY. I am going to start with my bedroom as soon as I post this now- picking up everything off the floor and putting it in bins and sorting out things I don't need, go to to the next room, and repeat, but I need more specific things to do or else i am afraid I'll get off-task and won't do them. I need clear and simple directions in order to accomplish this task, because I have tried "just putting things away" before and i have not been able to manage to fill in the blanks of what to do next or how to do it.

I can't find any resources that are not daily chores, like "keep your sink empty" (which is PERFECT maintenance for me and something i can handle)

But I need help on how exactly to organize in an all-at-once task so that I can implement these daily maintenance chores to keep up.

Sorry for the long post. I lurk here often and post some and you guys always leave me with motivation and encouragement even when I don't post my own issues. thank you

01-28-12, 04:34 PM
Whats the money like now? Could you afford someone one day a week just to keep the living room and kitchen clean? You could lock upstairs if you dont want her to see into your bedroom.
I live in a rural area where we dont have that type of service so I just rotate. ie today is the living rooms turn and stuff the rest, then the next time I can do it I say today is the kitchens turn and stuff the rest and I just keep going. It means every room is going to get blitzed sooner or later but it also means I have a very odd looking house where a room is strangely gleaming and the rest..well you know. It seems to be the only way I can do it but its not great.

Hey..single parent/working full time/just beaten the booze and are prepared to let your mum see your mess? You are not doing too badly Texasbelle!!! If you are very lucky your son might rebel and become super-duper neat and tidy. Isnt that a nice thought? Oh and I just thought of another one of my strategies . I bribe my teenage neices sometimes to do a room for me in return for a few quid pocket money. They are happy and so am I. Do you have any teens in your life that you can recruit into slave labour?

01-28-12, 04:57 PM
Shamrock, you are awesome!! :) thank you for your kind words- I am so happy in my life, sober, single, fabulous son, awesome career in a field i have dreamed of my entire life and in my hometown at that! I am just living in a pigsty. =/ lol! Thank you. I am confident that my son has the ability to be a clean freak- his dad is 100% neat which is why I never had to pick up my own house before now!! he did the housework. but i can't teach him that unless he sees me doing it!
Money is a bit tight as I do not have any assistance from my sons father (the ex I left to better my life) and although i have a stable job and a stable salary, and few bills save for utilities and daycare and groceries, etc, i barely make it each month. i am blessed to have this house no payments and no debts/credit cards. I could afford a bi weekly cleaner to come in, but the ones i have talked to do not do laundry or sorting/organizing. I live in a rural area too, so therapists who specialize in this type of thing are nowhere within two hundred miles! We have seen about hiring a professional organizer, and my mom offered to pay if we found one, but nobody is willing to travel as far as it would take to get here!! I am 250 miles away (four hours one way travel) from the nearest professional soooo.... i'm on my own.
I like the idea about bribing a teen to help. I have some family friends who I might be able to con into doing some work with me. Thanks!!! :thankyou:

01-28-12, 05:11 PM
try tackling just one square metre/yard at a time. get rid of excess clutter don't let yourself be tempted to keep stuff you really don't need. keep what you need and what you can handle. This shame is hard on almost all women with adhd. at some point you have to accept that you just can't manage as many things as others can and the things aren't worth the self hate.

01-28-12, 05:33 PM
a few things come to mind.... our home is in the boonies too, and it was too much to have the organizer come to me, so we comprimized and met at a Panera close to my office on my lunch hour. Maybe there is a time you'd be close to an organizer. We basically worked our way around my house, room by room over Wild Chicken and Rice Soup.

My organizer is pretty familiar with ADD/ADHD'ers, (God Bless her. She was so good at not leaving me feeling bad about myself), so don't be afraid to ask them if they're used to working with us.

Reel yourself in, habits don't change in one day. Cleaning Marathons are set ups for us to fail, try to avoid them. Working on one room at a time has helped the most. Set a timer and put a laundry basket in front of the doorway of you have to, just don't leave until you've worked for 15 minutes. Whatever you do, don't leave that room for anything except wails of an obviously injured kidlet or fire.

I'll PM you with my organizers site. At the very least, you can look her up on FB, she always has great suggestions. Oh and she's not one of the types that requires a trip to Ikea or The Container Store.

sorry, I'm all over the place, my brain is fried from doing homework! :p

01-28-12, 06:48 PM
Oh honey i so can relate, i struggle to get my house organized and not cluttered.

It is such a challenge.

The best thing i can suggest is get rid of EVERYTHING you dont use and can possibly bear to be without. I am not really great about it myself but i am trying.

I seriously have thought about hiring someone to come in once a week to maintain it, while i am at work.

It has gotten a lot better since our son is moved out, me, hubby and daughter do make a good attempt to keep things up.

And as hard as it is to do, try to pick up after yourself. I walk off and leave stuff laying myself but sometimes i will get a pile going and then, well, you know how it is.

Any clothes that dont fit or you dont really like, get rid of. Get storage containers for things like cereal etc. I sometimes like to do crafts and i have storage things to keep that stuff in. Try to go through mail when you bring it in, 90% of it is crap you dont want anyway. If you accidently throw out a bill, don't worry, they will send another! lol. But if you go through it right away, it helps. I used to prevent late payments and stuff by paying bills the day they came, but now with the kids and stuff i can't always afford to do this, so i have a basket i put bills in.

I try to wipe down the counter and stove after meals, run a load of wash if im not doing anything else, wipe up the bathrooms after i go to the bathroom or take a bath etc. If you just can get it under control it is easier to keep up with it.


01-28-12, 07:28 PM
Hey Texas Belle
My Husband turfs all my excess stuff out it hurts like hell but has made all our lives easier have one small area like a window ledge that is ADD positive like old bits of grannys ect kids stuff you treasure but only one area

Hoola hoop (put hoop on stuff and tidy that bit only today) ect each area and get your mum not to tidy it but take it straight to the charity shop/ dump ect then you dont have to do the reprocessing again buy actually throwing it away.

You my girl are doing fab it comes over time the main problem is you were given stuff.

Put it all out on the lawn and clear the rooms entire stock and only put back what you need mum takes rest away !!!!!

Good luck gal Jo

01-28-12, 07:29 PM
P.S i cannot do it alone i always need help that is firm and uncompromising LOL

01-29-12, 12:38 AM
dont feel bad unless it's soul-crushing baby-eating evilly messy and you cant see the floor anymore. my room was cleaned the first time in 10 years only about 6 months ago. in ADHD i find myself living in a room where it's like the God of Chaos belched into my room. but it's somehow an organized mess since i know where everything is, ive only truly lost something maybe a few times in my life.

01-29-12, 01:24 AM
If your really that worried and anxious about something like cleaning then I suggest having a bunch of friends over to come and help you! Simple as that. And you can tell them they can keep anything you don't want. My wife and I invited 10 friends (yes I'm serious) to help us clean and unpack out new apartment. Call your friends!!!

02-23-12, 01:00 AM do you eat an elephant?
one bite at a time. (mom used to say this to me all the time)

I'm sorry you're struggling with this! I have the same issue.. i can share one thing that has worked for me.

go to the store and buy BLACK garbage bags (so you dont see what's inside after you fill them but while u are waiting to get them out of the house) .and then do the 27-fling boogie ( :p even if you only did it 1 day a week, you'd be getting rid of 108 things a month! (2 days a week - 216 a month, everyday - 810 things in a month!)

i'm not sure if the flylady intended it this way, but i don't care WHAT the item is.. i count it. there have been times i have literally thrown away 26 candy wrappers and ate another candy just to throw away a 27th and feel like i could successfully call it a day. i'm not kidding. :rolleyes:

you could make it into a game with your son -- while you're making dinner, pull out a walmart bag or a mixing bowl and have your son collect 27 toys. then take 2 minutes and put them away together.

baby steps..

02-23-12, 04:58 AM
My problem is that I couldn't care less if my house is dirty. It is just going to get dirty again so why bother cleaning it. You can't fight entropy and win. It makes it hard to clean when I don't think anything is dirty. I am a slob and that is how I like it. Good thing my wife likes a clean house but she gets mad at me when I don't clean and I just tell her to get a maid because I am not cleaning something when I do not think it's dirty and then she says that is a waste of money getting a maid.