hey,
i am in need of some useful advice.. i was dating a guy (fun person to just goof around with on the wknds) for about a month when i told him that i had ADD.. I figured it was time b/c i was experiencing some side effects from straterra and thought he should know.. his response was okay- i guess.. he said that he thought that ADD is based on past experiences and situational, ex: you grow getting away with a messy room and now still as a grown up you still are a slob.. i sort of blew off his response (thankful that he didn't think i was crazy) but the more i have thought about the more confused i become about it.. do i bring it up again and make the point that studies have shown it's a chemical thing in the brain? or do i just let it slide and not make a big deal out of it? since we've had this little chat (about me being ADD)i've noticed he's become a little more distant or maybe that's just me over analyzing and being hypersensitive.. i'd welcome any feedback..
-kirsten

AWWW Kristen I'm so sorry I wish I had real advice to give but I wasn't diagnosed until after I was married and I haven't been in the dating world in well over 10 years, how stressful it's gotten.

If I were in your shoes I think I'd sit him down again and explain ADD. I would just tell him that I really like spending time with him; but, how he feels about your disorder is hurtful to you and you would like to share with him exactly what ADD is and how your working to better your life. Honesty is a good policy. While he may pull away at least you will know before you become very serious and will not have to suffer thru a condemmed marriage or relationship like so many other ADD'ers have had to suffer. Life can be cruel and love well sometimes there is nothing crueler then love and you do not want that kind of love in your life. So, be strong and be fair to yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Hugs and good luck (and if you really want to know YES I'm praying someone is going to post behind me who has actually been there)

I agree w/ NF...if he can't handle it...you need to find out now cause ADD is a part of you ...I would bring it up again and if he appears unreceptive or unsupportive then I'd be rethinking things.

I have a very close friend who has gone through my realization that I probably have ADD w/ me...I felt like I had to tell him cause we were fighting all the time and he didn't understand the things I did...and for that matter neither did I...once I told him, our relationship became closer because he realized I wasn't doing things on purpose to just to hurt him...which is what he thought before. You absolutely need the people in your life to be supportive, no matter what the issue is. I say get it out in the open and find out how he feels about it.

Yeah, since the beans are spilled, you might as well clarify what it's really all about. The real story is so much more palatable too, though it's difficult to grasp, he will respect you more when he really understands. It can be hard to explain. I had an awful time explaining to my wife. It might take a while, it took me a while to grasp.

Kirsten, you didn't mess anything up. He is messing up because he doesn't know what he will be missing if he loses you. I am talking about happiness.

Everyone in this thread is right on the money. I was single for the longest time because I feared being rejected. My ex-husband said my symptoms were annoying and I drove him to the point where he wanted to kill himself. Boy did that hurt! I didn't want to make someone depressed!

I found someone who accepts me for the way I am! He gets irritated sometimes, but he laughs with me too. He accepts me and my ADHD. It feels pretty good to be accepted and not ridiculed for once. I did tell my b/f right away, within the first week of dating him. I was so afraid he would turn away from me. He embraced me. He even said he would go to ADHD meetings with me.

You need that. Not someone who doesn't believe in it, ridicules it, and throws out verbal abuse. Haven't all of us had just about enough of that?

I think that is why some of us drift into abusive relationships. That is all we are used to. It took awhile to get used to my b/f. I am 39 and have had drama in all of my relationships excpet this one. Big time drama and big time dramatic break-ups.

hey,
thanks for all of your responses.. i'm still rather new at all of this--just diagnosed in august.. but i am making the right steps--have been reading up on ADD and am now seeing a therapist once a week.. as far as the guy i'm seeing goes--i am going to take all your advice-- i will have to bring it up again--i just have to get up the courage and have some research on hand to back it up... he was the first person i've told outside of my realm of close friends and family.. i hate facing the what if's but it's probably easier to deal with now rather than later.. thanks again!!

On the other hand, if you enjoy spending time with this guy and you're not looking for a long term relationship ...I wouldn't bother explaining ADD to him.

I just wanted to share this idea cuz everyone here was talking marriage, but based on what you wrote, it sounded like your relationship isn't all that serious. I dated a guy in college for 7 months, but it was purely a goofy, non-serious relationship. At the end of the school year, our relationship just fizzled out. I have a hard time socializing and dating is even harder for me. This guy could made me laugh all the time. We didn't have many serious discussions, there was absolutely no depth to our relationship, but when I think of him, I have nothing but fond memories. I suppose it's always good to consider the possibility of a longterm relationship, but if you're enjoying yourself & he's not being hurtful towards you (not putting you down, not making you defend you ADD diagnosis), then I'd stick with him.

Personally I don't bring up ADD in a relationship until I've really gotten to know the person. One month would be way too soon for me to even attempt to discuss it (but I'm very introverted and it takes me a LOOONG time to open up). After I've been with a person and have gotten a chance to see all their flaws & oddities, after I'm pretty sure of how they'll react, then I tell them about my ADD. From the beginning of a relationship, I will point out my odd quirks and some of my ADD-related deficits ...stuff like I cannot talk on the phone while the TV is on, I get lost in the grocery store (so if you send me to the store to pick up one item, it'll take me an hour & I'll end up buying a cartful of things), I have no concept of time (so if we're going to a big shin-dig & you want me to be on time for it, it's best to build in extra time in case I'm running late), etc, etc. Then, by the time I'm ready to tell him about my ADD, he has an "ah-ha" moment ...oh, so that's why you're so scatter-brained! For him, it's like the mystery is finally solved.

So my advice is: if you are having fun with this guy and aren't worrying yet about bring home to meet your folks, then don't stress over the ADD issue. Get to know him, let him get to know you, if things develop into a more serious relationship, then bring up the ADD issue again. Maybe offer him an ADD book to read like "Women with ADD". Chances are if you guys are still together after becoming familiar with each other, "warts & all", then he'll be willing to reconsider his thoughts on ADD.

Then again, I'm 33 and still single. My relationships don't work out too well. Maybe it's better to listen to the advice of all the old married folks.;)

You just haven't kissed the right frog yet ginga maybe you should try shopping a different pond next time. The right frog at the right time at the right place makes all the difference in the world.


*kiss, kiss, kiss*

The right frog at the right time at the right place makes all the difference in the world.


but its those wrong frogs that get ya down !! lol

but its those wrong frogs that get ya down !! lol

*deep sigh* I know :( . Now I'm in the mood for frog legs...anyone else? :p

hey,
i did it! this weekend i chatted with him aka my "boyfriend" about my ADD.. I used a lot of I statements and basically told him how it effects me..i did mention about the brain thing but mainly i emphasized how ADD is for me.. It was good b/c i think he listened and sort of caught onto what i was saying.. i also mentioned that i was seeing a therapist and he listened to me as i explained why.. he's good with it.. which is a big relief to me b/c i'm realizing what great potential this has.. communication is good.. i'm breathing a deep sigh of relief=)
Thanks !!!!!!

Congratulations Kirsten that couldn't have been easy but it sounds like you may have done the right thing.

Hey my boyfriend still thinks it's all a big joke. Maybe even an excuse so I can use drugs. It's hard for people who don't have it and don't know what it's about to understand. And it's a hard thing to explain to people. Don't make it sound so serious next time maybe he's just scared.

Ok, I am still in the dating world. :( And I do not think you need to tell them anything until after you have been dating for a while.

I met a guy about 2 months ago and he has potiential. We have had some strain on our relationship because of my lack of noise tollerance. I dread riding in a car and talking on the phone with him because of all the background noise that he has going on. I did explain to him that i can not focus or think when two things are going at the same time. ie, talk radio & conversation, two or more TV's on in the house, music with words & TV on, TV & reading. This guy is an IT person and he is highly intellegent and multi-task everything.

Once I went to his place and he had 2 TV's on, 2 Computers on/w sound up, Music playing, dishwasher going, washing and dryer running, and he was cookng and banging pots and pan's while trying to talk to me. I almost lost it. At that point I said "this is not going to work I need to drop this guy fast".

I am trying to give him a chance because he is trying to do better. I just finished dating a guy who was ADD and I always enjoyed the solitude that we shared. He always kept his place nice and quiet but, that's another story.

hey,
don't give up on the guy yet.. make it real to him-- like invite him over where it's quiet and you can think and just say something along the lines of this is best type of environment for me.. then when you're at his place let him and there is so much noise let him know you can't concentrate.. re-emphasize it and stress the importance of a quiet environment.. he should respect you enough to quiet some of his noise down.. good luck!

the first thing I felt I needed to say in this thread is that I was raised, non diagnosed, in a household of very neat and organized non add/adhd people. i was STILL adhd (diagnosed at 28), and in spite of being made to model their behavior, i couldn't master it to the level many would consider "acceptable." i consider myself a work in progress...shrugs...i learned to work on liking me for me, quirks and all. secondly, i often work better with televisions, radios, air conditioner or heating units on, dishwasher running, microwave dinging here or there, my children doing what children do (loudly)...then other days, i need for there to be quiet, or it becomes sensory overload. there are times at work, when students start to talk all at once, and i have to take a step back (sometimes several steps) and let them know that i need immediate silence for a few minutes. i have never explained to them that it was largely due to adhd. i just told them politely that i needed a minute to gather my thoughts in order to express myself. i have the same courtesy extended to them when they are struggling, too. sometimes, i let them listen to music, because i know many of them seem to work better this way. other times, i am sure to make the people tapping or clicking their pens/pencils stop. over time, they have learned to take my cues without me having to do more than glance at the object being tapped. the thing is, they wouldn't have even known i needed this, if i hadn't taken the time to tell them, or to show them by modeling what i needed. lastly, even if a relationship is a fun, casual, possibly temporary one, the more people we "gently" educate about what this disorder REALLY is, the better. with so many negative and inaccurate misperceptions about add/adhd/related things out there, opportunities to let someone who has been exposed only to that kind of information see how it actually is...well, that can only be a good thing. some people are not going to understand. some people are. the only way to know is to go for it (and i'll pass on kermit's legs, thanks :p )!