I was wondering how, if at all, ADD has affected your relationship w/ your parents? Whether diagnosed or not, disagnosed early or late, do you think the ADD made things worse (too challenging for them) or were they understanding? Did your ADD have little to do with your relationship w/ them? Have you resolved, or working to resolve, any ADD related issues with them? How?







I'd have to say that my Dad, especially, had little patience with my personality in general. He did not give the extra help I needed with school and organization. My Mom and I have a good relationship but she was always convinced that if you want something bad enough you'll do it. So when I failed, it was due to my not trying hard enough or being lazy. She is skeptical of ADD, as if you just "get over it", but is slowly more understanding. Giving her a few educational pointers about it every so often has helped.

Actually it goes the same for my bipolar. No patience or understanding from my Dad, and my Mom shrugged and thought I was going through "normal" childhood emotions. If that was "normal" then childhood is h*ll.

I wonder if the personality of the parent has more to do with how the various mental idiosyncrasies are handled and not so much the disorders themselves. Your thoughts?

I no longer have parents as I was adopted, and the adopted ones' abuse became sufficient for me to walk away 2 years ago and never look back. However, the abuse I suffered as a small child I can now link to me having ADD and not being "normal", and I was told this on a very frequent basis.

Andrei has virtually been disowned since revealing to his adoptive parents that he has mild OCD along with the ADHD. We haven't heard a word in months. [Yes, both adopted]

There has never been any understanding shown towards us from them at all. Unless Andrei is in a high flying exec position, he is disposable to them. I have tried to write them that these types of jobs, whilst he has been able to do them, are NOT what he is really suited for. No understanding on their part.

EYEFORGOT, you actually brought up and issue where I am feeling at a dead end with right now. Do we write them any more or not?

I think "how" we are dealt with by parents, inlaws, ect, has a great impact on how we deal with feelings about ourselves.

Great Topic! :)

seem to be handling it ok. my mom went to most of the doctor's appointments with me.

it bothers me when they make a comment when im daydreaming. especially out in public, which has happened twice in the last two times we went out to eat. :(

It was hell for my parents. I grew up in a small college town. I was always bad with money and very rebellious etc etc... problems really started to manifest themselves when I got into college there and started having financial dealings with friends and acquantances of my parents. Renting houses, loans from the bank, etc. I would not be able to pay. Word also travels quick when you flunk out of your classes. They really had to think I was a piece of sh*t as ADD was never considered, they just thought I was a drunk or on drugs.

I'm just heading out for a week or two to visit mom so I'll get a good chance to discuss. Over the phone, she has pretty much dismissed the diagnosis saying "everybody has trouble with something" and "life isn't easy" and "there's nothing wrong with you" and "you just need to try harder" etc. But we get along well and we are very similar personality-wise to the point that if I have it, she probably does too. And that's got to be hard for anyone to accept after 70 years of not knowing! She readily admits she suffers from depression but she doesn't like the antidepressants taking away the spice of life.

My parents don't understand me,they still shout at me if I do things such as leaving gas on or not locking doors and have a go at me when I have forgotten to do something.

well my mother is an immigrant, just doesn't even know what it is..
it has greatly affected my relationship w/ her...she constantly harped when i was little about how come "you are so smart ..you can't remember anything? how do you forget everything? you already know that i told you already...."blah blah..why cant you be normal?
my friends daughter is sooo good to her mother like she should be....
i hope you have children just like yourself then you'll know!
you're SO bad i want to kill myself...
what is WRONG WITH YOU?
you are so LAZY
why do you sleep so much?

you get the picture.
nowadays:

after a few years of my mother hanging up on me b/c she would pull some of the same crap on me in my earlier twenties-well lets just say: she kicked me out of the house when i was 15..and i've seen her three times in the last decade (i'm now 29)
i love her to death.but i realize now that there will be no true communication. it is now my goal to make everything easy for her and not to burn my bridge. when we did the whole phone hanging up thing, she would start her critique about my lame dropping out of school etc..and why was i just waiting tables...your cousin already has a masters at berkeley! whats wrong with you! i would respond without even really controlling myself with a : jesus freaaaking christ! i cannot f ing believe this! you are such a biatch!!!!
and she would hang up.
wasn't a good method of mine.
i grew up. i realized i cannot expect her to change..just as she shouldn't try to change me..but what can i do?
i just tell her nowadays: yes mother everything is SOOO fabulous and i am skinny again and my son is really smart and i make lots of money and i'm back in school. i love you.

my dad? he's awol. mentally and literally...hes a schizophrenic and i haven't been able to talk to him for a few years and i'm afraid he's homeless somewhere and lost to me forever.

my whole family has add (parents and sister) and we werent diagnosed until last year. so let me tell you, a house with 4 add undiagnosed cases makes for an interesting childhood. in high school i was always butting heads with my mom especially, having the impulsive screaming matches and the like, but now we have the best relationship. she has alot of guilt associated with how add has affected her past, so she loves giving me tons of advice on how to get around certain issues. my whole family competely understands everything that as individuals weve secretly gone thru, so were all very forgiving of each other's pasts and presents.

i think ADD has ruined my parents relationship.
At 10 years old I used to sleepwalk all the time so my parents called the pastor over to our house and cast demons out of me.
My father used to beat me daily for always forgetting and not finishing things,getting distracted, always accusing me of being lazy and slow.
last time I talked to my father he asked me who I was voting for ( I said Kerry) he flipped out yelled at me about what a strange child I was, how lazy I am, he could never figure me out. Since he is a fundamentalist, he blames it on the devil and me, and tells me that I want to go to hell, and he isnt interested in any relationship with me unless I repent and rejoin the church .

Needless to say we have no relationship at all and I see them about once a year, even though they only live a few miles away

My parents still deny ADD, But I dont live with them.
In my own household being I have ADD my 2 little ones try to use the ole add excuse for everything. I know what is related and what is not.....All I have to do is remember what I used to do;)
I try to explain over and over to my kids the pros of ADD and It's anvantages and short comings.
They dazzle the teachers with their verbal and quick Ideas from the hip but socially are single out as diffrent, I remember this:(
I want to be a parent who expresses love and humility and to let them know it's OK not to know something. The problem is when you know to much to learn new things because of pride.

I dunno if my parents believe in ADD or not. It doesn't matter, though, because they believe in me. :D I'm a lot closer with my mom than my dad, and her 3 brothers all probably have ADD, so I think she might actually think it's real. Nonetheless, she's told me that since seeing the psychiatrist, my attitude has improved immensely, and she's very supportive. My parents rock. :D

Needless to say, my ADHD wreaked havoc on myself and my family. Unfortunately, I grew up when it was first being diagnosed and my parents (for whatever reason) did nothing about it. I think they are from a generation where asking for help just wasn't an option and the availability of help was also scarce. I am so grateful for all the assistance I've had with my two ADDers and have learned a lot about what went wrong in my family.

We are slowly starting to build some bridges after almost 25 years of minimal contact. My mother actually told me on my trip home that "of course you were hyperactive" and "I'm so glad you're finally getting help for it"....After all those years of being told I was just bad, lazy, difficult, crazy it was nice to hear her finally call a spade a spade!

I hurt for them, though, too because they really had a handful with me and just didn't have the information and assistance they needed. I really do believe they did the best they could given their circumstances.

Kim

Mom and Dad,
Suck,Now after all these yrs***********they are only faint memoreze of not so good yelling and screaming,and rippin on me,

YOUR LAZY,YOUR NOT MOTIVATED, OH MY FAVEERITE "YOUR PATHETIC"
YOUR GIVING OUR FAMILY NAME A BLACK EYE.

PULL YOUR SELF UP BY THE BOOT STRAPS,WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?
"WHAT DO YOU MEEN /YOU FORGOT"THE LIST TOO.

For some reason
Dad got Paralized in a :Drunk&Flurting with Fishermens Wifes!:) oops dont fall off the cliff ---maybe Karma?

Mom is a college grad ,fat and a Man haten Lezbeian up in Oregon and she always hated fat people too,:p Karma for treating me as a child so mean.

Both of my Parents dont have ADD,
Both are very Smart.
I have allways thought I was adopted,or at the least was treated that way.

Sorry for the Rant----

My parents obviously were not well informed when I was growing up, Father was an alcoholic, and Mom worked hard to keep a roof for us, so always thought I was a burden to the family and hopeless. The lightbulb just came on:) for myself Thank God!, after 42 years (i'm newly diagnosed ADHD) and my Mother absolutely refuses to acknowledge that I have ADHD and always probably did, my brother I am sure is, never been officially diagnosed but no doubt in my mind now. I am the parent of 2 sons---one is ADHD and one is ADD-inattentive. I believe in ADD & ADHD. I believe my mother thinks that doctors, and drug companies are just getting $$$$. I don't agree at all. I encourage everbody that has an intution to Research, research, research. Life has been H... way to long. I will probably never have the relationship I would like to have with my Mother, but I am working on me. I can't work on my relationship with my Dad -- I lost him to lung cancer 15 years ago - Nov.27, 1989. Dad you always supported me..thanks from down here!

To live a little more, Love a little more,
and dont forget to laugh a little more;)

To live a little more, Love a little more,
and dont forget to laugh a little more;)



Church helped me alot with the pain of all the Childhood Drama
so did reading the


:) "Purpose Chosen Life" :cool:

at my church they had just finished reading it when i started going back--
so i read it on my own ,

40 days and book happens to have 40 chapters --short chapters too.!
well probley took me like 80 days but you get the gist of it.

My relationship with my parents was hell as a kid. Dad worked too hard and let mom raise us, go to school, and work 40 hrs. Pretty sure she has ADD too and she would come unglued when I'd not do things right/bring homework home/put things back right. She browbeat me into submission but I could never live up to her expectations.

In the last few years, things have been better. We, my parents, brother and I, have all done a lot of 'work' emotionally and get along pretty good now. In fact I enjoy my family now. They're neat people.

There's only one problem: My mom still thinks I'm incapable of living life on my own. She insists on giving me free advise even though I tell her I don't want it (At which she cries). I don't think she's purposing to interfere but I just can't get past the feeling that she doesn't think I'll ever grow up.

*Sighs* She's really sweet and I love her but I'm not sure if I need to back away and give myself room to live (which will **** everone else off) or if I'm just being too sensitive.

I guess I always have my parents to thank for my constant questioning: 'What's wrong with me? Why am I soo stupid?'
Yeah...... thanks......

An update on that trip to visit family. It went well. It took a week of hanging out with mom to be able to discuss the ADD & have her take me seriously. She still doesn't really buy it but accepts that it's a possibility and was willing to listen to my explanations enough to begin to understand. It was a good visit.

Then I went to visit my brother who I had not spoken to in 13 years and that also went well. He has some severe neurological imbalances including probably ADD. He was very mean and controlling over me as children but I came this time to make peace. He is doing OK in life & is not so mean any more & he didn't seem mad at me. I tried to explain ADD but didn't really have enough time to explain properly. His wife is pretty smart though so maybe I'll send her a book. I was thinking of sending mom a book also. They both sort of don't believe but accepted that I thought it was serious.


I'm just heading out for a week or two to visit mom so I'll get a good chance to discuss. Over the phone, she has pretty much dismissed the diagnosis saying "everybody has trouble with something" and "life isn't easy" and "there's nothing wrong with you" and "you just need to try harder" etc. But we get along well and we are very similar personality-wise to the point that if I have it, she probably does too. And that's got to be hard for anyone to accept after 70 years of not knowing! She readily admits she suffers from depression but she doesn't like the antidepressants taking away the spice of life.

That sounds like it was well worth the effort Paul. It's good to hear it went well. You came away with some loose ends tied up and that must feel good.
ian

paul,

First time seeing each other in 13 years! That alone must've made the trip well worth it.

Speaking from experience here I have 3 bros who wished they woulda/coulda done more for our Nashville bro before he left us last month.

Hugs for making peace with your brother probably makes your mom happy as well!

To answer thread's original question my mom would love for me to be strong.;) She sends me Wizard of OZ paraphernalia all the time--I'm suppose to gain courage like the cowardly lion---

Remember the journey proved to each of the characters that what they were seeking was already inside each of them and simply needed to be recognized, acknowledged, and used?

This is what my mom keeps telling me I have the power to correct all my problems the answers reside in all of us.

I did email her and my bros when I was dx'd but all have just ignored it so unless they ask me questions in the future I assume this is one of those don't tell topics.

My dad and I have almost completely cut off ties. He had my car refinaced through his name... and had to make a few payments because my add affects my employment. I've basically been unemployed for 7 months. Well, he doesn't believe in add.... doesn't really want to, obviously. He took my car. My mom has helped financially quite a bit... though when i do get money i'm supposed to be paying her back whenever I can. I don't. I buy drugs to help myself feel better about my situation or my moods. But she's still there for me... she understands to an extent how I feel, but not fully. I was just recently diagnosed with adult add... but i strugle with it everyday. My dad thinks I'm playing games with him because I haven't seen him in 2 months or more. He just blames and blames and makes me feel more like sh?t.

My dad and I have almost completely cut off ties. He had my car refinaced through his name... and had to make a few payments because my add affects my employment. I've basically been unemployed for 7 months. Well, he doesn't believe in add.... doesn't really want to, obviously. He took my car. My mom has helped financially quite a bit... though when i do get money i'm supposed to be paying her back whenever I can. I don't. I buy drugs to help myself feel better about my situation or my moods. But she's still there for me... she understands to an extent how I feel, but not fully. I was just recently diagnosed with adult add... but i strugle with it everyday. My dad thinks I'm playing games with him because I haven't seen him in 2 months or more. He just blames and blames and makes me feel more like sh?t.






Happy Days are around the corner.


This was me 11 yrs ago big time.

****** It can get worse trust me.*******

maybe get him a ADD/ADHD book @ the GoodWill and give it to him. / throw it at him,nah kidding ,but in all seriousness some how get the ADD info BOOK to him, hope he likes to read alot,it'll help.

maybe lay the book on his pillow,ask your Mom too.

Hang in there, I used to line up a $20.00 bag and make 5-7 lines, and only do 1 line pr day,then go to work,then college,then to the old folks home to see my dieing Grandma,then go home and go to bed.

"Talk about self medicated"

:o
You'll do good!



ps Church cant hurt either. sit in the back they cant see you cry
cause you will , after the tears you'll buck up and stay clean.

oops I cant beleive I admitted I used to do that stuff.

sorry all ,,,,,,,,,,,
can I ask here





"who has done crank"?

or is that bad too,If so I am so sorry in advanced.

My being ADD has hurt my relationship with my parents, but it has a lot more to do with our personalities than the ADD itself.

I was on ritalin from age 5 to age 16. A few years into that I realized that if I was on the meds, I wouldn't learn how to function without them, and decided that I wanted to be off of them. My mother and I fought a lot about that, and it damaged our relationship, but that's not the only example of her completely disregarding my goals and doing damage to our realtionship by doing so.

Also, recently, she's started getting on my case, saying that I should be able to 'handle it' and act normal by now. You can guess how much I like that, given that she's the one that deprived me of so many opportunities to learn how to handle my ADD without drugs.

My ADD scatterbrainedness drives my father nuts. He's a very controling person, and has Asperger's, so he doesn't get that I might not remember to do what he's asked me to, and that that doesn't mean that I'm trying to defy him. So he gets mad. But he gets even madder that I have my own life, and goals, and don't spend all my time trying to guess what he wants me to do with my life (because god forbid that he actually tell me what he wants me to do :mad: ) and doing it.

see, my problem is that my parents not only have a generational gap with me being 22 and them being in their 60's, there is a cultural gap as they immigrated from the USSR (at the time) to the US in 1980, two years before I was born. now the problem here is that they have a very... soviet/conservative/ignorant view on such things as ADD. they believe this condition is purely mental and should be dealt with accordingly.

finally after asking my parents to see the same psychologist I went to, they now accept the "possibility" that ADD exists. I realized that I couldn't really do anything in my power to get my parents to believe me when it came to my self-diagnosis and then even my psyschologist's diagnosis. I had to point them to someone who knew what they were talking about and could explain what ADD is, even to "non-believers".

- stan

I have a generational gap with my parents too except I'm 45 and they are raging in their seventies. The good news is that I got over it and fortunately they managed to survive my assaulting ways.. hmm I'm want to go visit my Mum for her birthday in February some time. I'm bad with dates I tell you.. man my wife is still amazed after 19 years of marriage.

Any way I want to ask my Mum all kinds of gory details about when I was young and still tied quite closely to the apron strings. I'm not sure I can pull it off. I kind of lead her into thinking it my be for posterity or for the family memoires so I might have to change my tone before I go and see if she is still interested. HoPe so!

The cultural gap blows me away to think about. I'm bending my brain as I write this dudE so go gently on me please.. ehh

Are you having fun yet?
Cheers! Ian.


I've learnt that you shouldn't go through life with catcher's mitt on both
hands; you need to be able to throw something back.

I've learnt that I still have a lot to learn. I've leaned that people will
forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never
forget how you made them feel.

Maya Angelou

Over the last few years, my relationship with my parents is better. It used to be hell, but that's because when I was young I was a little punk.
My mom tried putting me on Ritilan when I was 10, but I refused to take it. I thought "I don't need it."
My parents would call me stupid,lazy,don't care enough. I would respond back with "a-hole." Two wrongs don't make a right. Sure I was ****ed off because I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what. I wasn't lazy and I wasnt stupid.
I almost failed out of school. School sucked. They used to send letters home to my parents telling them I was on drugs because of my grades, me always coming late, skipping class. They gave me no privacy and went through all my stuff for drugs. I wasn't on any. They didn't believe me. That frustrated me even more.
At that time, I just didn't care about school. That made matters worse.
My finances suck. That's because my impulse is out of control. My parents scream and yell at me for it. They always have to bail me out of debt because of my negative balance. I used to think they are trying to control me.
I finally got diagnosed a few months ago. Me failing out of a paramedic course was the deal breaker. Out of 200 applicants, with only 15 seats, I made it in. We needed an 80 on every test or we where out. I found a career which I LOVED. However, my ADD got in the way.
I'm back in paramedic school now and my ADD is being treated.
My parents fully support me. They still yell at me and they still think ADD is not all it is cracked up to be. At first, it upset me. But then I realized they love me and they'll do anything for me.
I'm much calmer on the medication. I can see things in a clearer light. I realized that my parents would yell and say some hurtfull things, but that's because it was the only way they knew how to deal with it. If they didn't love me, I would be on the street, in debt, out of school.
They support me with my career choice. Actually, my mom FREAKED when I told her I wanted to be a firefighter and a paramedic. She tried to discourage me at first but she saw I was dedicated and now she accepts the choice.
My parents and I have our differences, but all in all they kick *** because they love me. My sister is crazy, calls me hurtfull names and hates me. I can't stand her, but I still love her. :cool:

I think because I was the "quiet" kid, while my brother was the stereotypical ADHD kid, that it was tougher for my parents to understand some of the "Phases" I was going through. My brother was diagnosed in kindergarden, I was not diagnosed until adulthood. I think had they known more about ADD-I at the time, they would have had a much easier time understanding, and much more patience. Even as an adult I had many arguments with my mom because she wanted to call and talk about every little detail of the last 4 hours since she last called, and I couldn't listen to her for very long before becoming annoyed lol. I believe it has had an enormous impact on my relationships in general including close family.

I have the sweetest, most caring parents EVER, who spent most of my teenage years trying to figure out what could be causing their daughter such distress. My diagnosis, at 27, has only improved my relationship with them.

My father, especially, feels vindicated against all those "professionals" who automatically assumed that my being so royally screwed up had to have been caused by a dysfunctional, if not downright abusive, family situation. I believe my dad and I finally "get" each other, on a much deeper level than we ever could while I was growing up. Dealing with that feeling of alienation must have been as difficult for him as it was for me.

I wasn't diagnosed until August 08. . .just after my 31st birthday. . .so most of my childhood and young adult years were spent with the feeling that I was something between a frustration, a disappointment, an embarassment, and a burden to my parents.

My brother was a good student. Me? Not so much. He was in one of those "advanced" programs all throughout elementary and high school. I was only a year behind, so of course I usually had the same teachers and they seemed to expect a repeat performance from me. No such luck. My parents met with my brother's teachers to talk about the next year's advanced courses and programs. They met with mine to talk about "just getting through" the year with passing grades.

The fact that I'm generally disorganized and messy put additional stress on the relationship. I think my mom always hoped for a daughter she could take shopping, especially for clothes, and enjoy a day of trying things on. She ended up with me; it was a struggle for me just to bother with finding clothes that matched, let alone putting effort into making myself look feminine. There were other, more interesting things I would rather be doing.

They were skeptical when I first told them about my suspicion that I had ADHD. Not so much that they doubted its existence, just that they didn't think *I* could have it. Most of their understanding of ADHD was the stereotypical "hyperactive little kid," which was nothing like me.

After getting out of the appointment with my therapist, where she confirmed that I was a "textbook case" of ADHD-I, I called my parents to let them know. While I was feeling relief, my parents' reaction was more like "yet another thing 'wrong' with our daughter."

It's not that they're totally unsupportive, they just don't really "get" a lot of what ADHD is or how my mind processes things a little differently.

my mother passed when i was a kid, but she always did her best to be supportive.

my father advocated for me relentlessly and i think our shared struggle always made me feel like someone *really* does know what it's like to be inside my head.

best wishes,

It makes me sad to see me and my parents relationships. We love each other and get along but I can't help but feel that they are disappointed. I think that they feel this way because I don't feel like I have lived up to what they feel I can do.

I am successful and always seem to have been able to satisfy my wants and needs, but they always seem to want more from me. To them it is easy for me to have more simply because I don't do simple (for them) things that would move me forward. But they completely ignore the fact that I am where I am and do as well for myself as I do because of talents that I do have. I don't know if this is different for people with or without ADD I do know however that I wish that there was more focus by my parents on the abilities I do possess instead of the ones I don't.
chrome://dictionarytip/skin/book.png

Thanks for this thread.

My parents were divorced when I was about 7. My ADHD went untreated, although I was dragged from child psychologist to psychologist and was diagnosed with "hyperactivity disorder". I know for an absolute fact that the relationship my mother had with me was based more on her "tolerating" me than loving and accepting me. She had too much pain & dysfunction to deal with in her own life to deal with a hyperactive and easily bored little girl. Less was understood about the disease process and goal of medication in the 70's. However, I never once felt understood or accepted by her, even though I somehow managed to do pretty well in school.

I began to raise a family quite young, became a nurse, was and am still happily married. To this day my mother and I have no relationship despite the repeated attempts I have made. I realize that even at almost 41 years of age, my personality and energy level clashes so deeply with hers that there is really no chance of a complete healing. Maybe someday we will at least be able to have small talk over a cup of coffee. But it's highly unlikely at this time.

My father was a depressed but gifted alcoholic and musician, and I only saw him for visitation. He died in 2009 after a horrible course of metastasized lung cancer. I believe that he also grew up with ADHD characteristics, but am not sure.

There are at least two people with ADHD on my paternal side of the family. I tend to be more bonded to them.

My son, the youngest child is a fellow ADHD-er, but has been on the Daytrana patch- same dose-for years now and it is wonderful. We choose not to increase it unless he really needs it to. We are very close, as I understand him more than my husband does. I know my son feels love and acceptance at home. I hope he feels this way at school. I want it to be different for him. I don't want him to suffer the way I did.