View Full Version : suicidal thoughts...how to make them go away?


blueyemass1979
10-19-04, 05:02 PM
Anyone who has actually had persistent suicidal thoughts...how did you make them go away?

I don't think I'm actually going to kill myself. But it's scary to have these thoughts. When I'm not on ADHD medication, I have so much trouble controlling my thoughts and my thoughts drift in this direction. I am going to be forced off the medications for one week (possibly much longer), and this in particular has me terrified.

I know about the "STOP!" technique, but when you can't control your thoughts much, that doesn't work. Works fine when I'm on medication, but not otherwise.

A long time ago I had promised myself that if I ever were about to commit suicide I'd take off somewhere--like another country, start over, and enjoy myself. Kind of like pressing the "reset" button rather than "off." And I have lived abroad before, so this is very possible--not just an idle fancy.

So, I'm more afraid of waking up one morning in Rio de Janeiro than actually dead. But realistically that might not be the best life move I can make right now.

charlie
10-19-04, 05:47 PM
Hey Blue Hang in There!
I know I've always said instead of killing myself I would take up dangerous hobbies, hang gliding, hot air balloon, security guard:) in a bad neighborhood, bouncer, etc!

I come from a family with suicide scars; aunt, cousins, nephew and I can tell you from experience the folks they left behind go thru horrible guilt trips and feelings of betrayal. I've heard "weak", "cowards", etc from family members.

Ok here's stuff I've copied online sources:

feeling suicidal NOW? <http://suicidehotlines.com/ (http://suicidehotlines.com/)> http://www.metanoia.org/imhs/crisis.htm

depression <http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html>

following from metanoia .org /suicide
there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:

Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans (http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/samaritans.htm) non-judgmental crisis support <http://www.samaritans.org/sams.html/emailsup.htm (http://www.samaritans.org/sams.html/emailsup.htm)>
Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call a psychotherapist
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.*******

Dr. Ivan's (http://www.psycom.net/ikg8.html)DEPRESSION CENTRAL http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html
***********

Online counseling - “e-therapy” - is when a professional counselor or psychotherapist talks with you over the Internet, to give you emotional support, mental health advice or some other professional service. It could be one question, or an ongoing conversation; it could be by e-mail, chat, video or even Internet phone (voice-over-IP).********

Ok I feel good that you've reached out.
Now I want something from you
I want you to SURVIVE to be able to help someone else who is going thru what you are going thru!
Deal?

gingagirl
10-20-04, 10:42 AM
I go through periods of having very vivid images of me killing myself ...I visualize my suicidal thoughts, and come up with some pretty gruesome thoughts/images of myself killing myself --at times my thoughts are so gruesome that I wince and/or quickly turn my head (as if quickly looking away from a gory sight).

Pretty much, I've learned that when I start having these thoughts, I need to start back to therapy and go on anti-depressants. ADD meds never worked for my depressive/suicidal thoughts ...needs to be anti-depressants plus therapy.

If you are truly worried about how you'll handle being off meds, talk to your doctor. If you are going off meds because you're having some other medical procedure, maybe you could go inpatient for the week. If I'm not really sick, I don't mind hospitals too much --I've been hospitalized twice for a "diabetes tune-up" where I was inpatient but not down & out sick. I kinda liked having someone else take care of me for a change. Of course, I make for a very bad patient when I'm not really sick ...I wander the ward, slip out to the coffee shop, etc. and then get yelled at by the nurses when I re-emerge. Once me & another patient snuck out of the hospital, spent the afternoon in Boston, then had a helluva time convincing security to let us back in cuz we came back too late. Wow! Sorry, I've really gotten off topic here. Just remembering back to those fun hospital escapades.

But back to the topic at hand... you might want to consider going inpatient if that's an option. Or worst case scenario, you could get yourself put in a mental hospital if you tell your doctor about your suicidal thoughts ...I think if you express a plan for killing yourself, they have to admit you.

If you don't want to be hospitalized, I would still tell your doctor about your suicidal thoughts. As long as it's not a specific "plan," they don't have to hospitalize you. So you could say "I keep thinking about ending it all, having lots of suicidal thoughts" but you shouldn't say "I'm gonna swallow a bunch of pills and end it all."

blueyemass1979
10-20-04, 11:19 PM
Oh boy...I am asking for advice on how to make the thoughts GO AWAY, not why I shouldn't kill myself. I think this is what people mean when they say about how hard it is to get help if you're suicidal...it's not that I'll actually kill myself, anymore than a man who keeps thinking of getting with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders is actually going to do it.

I'm not *considering* killing myself. I just mean, the thought keeps entering my mind in a general way, and it even keeps entering my mind in reference to other people and things--for instance, two kids jumped into a canal recently (a fairly common occurrence in my town, kind of like something you do on a dare) and my first thought was--were they trying to kill themselves? Not, "my God they were stupid."

Gingagirl...my God, that's awful! Getting rid of those thoughts should be priority no. 1!!! You must have trouble falling asleep with those thoughts coming in and out...do you think you might be watching too many violent media images? My family has Law & Order, ER, and a bunch of other blood and gore and horror fests on virtually 24/7, despite my pleas that they shut it off for the sake of my sanity. I KNOW that that's part of what's keeping this garbage in my mind.

I am NOT going to kill myself and I don't want intervention; what I want is help making the thoughts go away. I tried calling an emergency hotline and it's mostly about intervening to stop someone from actually killing themselves, not help with shaking the thoughts out of your head. I tend to have repetitive thoughts about a lot of things, not always obsessive, but just, on and on...whether it's the deficit or issues in bilingualism or some stupid trivium...annoying but not scary, which this is.

I'm seeing my old therapist tomorrow (she is a saint, gave me an appt. after my current psych. screwed me over). Of course, I'm going to get on antidepressants and fast, but it will be a month before they kick in.

My (now-ex.) psych. is the one who plunged me into this most recent scary moment, by cancelling my appt. at the last minute (I mean, after I had come into the office) because he had double booked it, then accused me of being late (and I even still had the appt. card saying I was right on time!). Of course he can't renew my Adderall prescription without seeing me first... I had him paged to talk to him b/c I was terrified and he hung up on me.

So, I basically have his implied vote of confidence that I'm not dangerously suicidal. Rest easy. No need for knee-jerk "life is wonderful," just how do I make it stop?

exeter
10-20-04, 11:30 PM
I'm not *considering* killing myself. I just mean, the thought keeps entering my mind in a general way, and it even keeps entering my mind in reference to other people and things--for instance, two kids jumped into a canal recently (a fairly common occurrence in my town, kind of like something you do on a dare) and my first thought was--were they trying to kill themselves? Not, "my God they were stupid."


You know, this sounds really similar to what I had going on before I went on meds. One particular thing I had was an obsessional desire to know what it would be like to be dead. I never really wanted to do anything about it, but the thought still entered my mind pretty frequently. When I'd be driving down the road, I'd think about what it would be like if I swerved into the path of an oncoming semi, into a guardrail, etc.

Fortunately, this didn't happen *every* time I went anywhere, but it did happen frequently enough to bother me.

I noticed the thought was gone one day after I had started on Wellbutrin, and it's not come back.

tamarama
10-20-04, 11:46 PM
I went through a period where I had almost constant thoughts of killing myself. I was not suicidal, I had no desire to kill myself, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. And it seemed the more I tried to STOP myself from thinking about it, the more intrusive the thoughts became.

I asked my doc about it, and after he ascertained that I was not suicidal, he said, "There's not anything I can give you or anything you can do to really make thoughts go away. All I can tell you is that if you can't make it go away, then make friends with it."

So I journaled about it and drew pictures about it and let the thoughts come and studied them and then they eventually went away.

Maybe this will help; it helped me. Good luck!

Ian
10-20-04, 11:54 PM
Have you tried endorphins? There is an exercise forum here that has helped me a lot. I tend to think that the workouts affect me in many different positive ways. Mainly I do it for the sanity though.. :)

In grade twelve one night at a restaurant with a friend we watched the ambulance come to another place down the street. We found out the next day that a guy from our school had put another kid in the hospital with punches and kicks.

I was a womaniser in the worst way and landed at a party flirt with a young woman that seemed open to the idea. The next week-end when I went to see her this same guy that had put a fellow in hospital had his arm around her. I was told they had been an item for a while. So.. I got a beating.

For years afterward I had panic attacks. I was very down about the unpredictable nature of the attacks and took a train to see a friend at Christmas that year planning to do the deed on the way. I was desperate. Fortunately I wasn't a bad looking guy and got distracted by some interesting girls. :) I continued to have thoughts about killing myself.

A couple of years after the attacks started it all came to a head. I was turning left at a busy intersection and could not continue to be in the car driving and ended up standing on the meridian trying to catch my breath and get back in the car.

I'd read somewhere that exercise could help mental health issues so headed off to find a shoe store to buy some running shoes. I started running that day and soon found why people get addicted to exercise. Endorphins are, as I understand it, a narcotic like "feel good" drug that are released when you work hard. I still enjoy the benefits today at 45 years old but I have to work quite hard to get the bonus points.

Anyway that's what I did to help stop the thoughts from comming. So far so good. :)
ian

charlie
10-21-04, 12:12 AM
Hi again Blue,
sorry to have over reacted to your post I'm sure my family history is a huge factor; any peep of the word and my attention is THERE.

Ok again researching just 'thinking' about suicide I find

"Roughly less than ONE PERCENT of people who have suicidal ideation go on to kill themselves"
"It is suggested that clinicians should spend more time doing the things that inoculate depressed individuals against suicide (e.g., instilling hope for the future, teaching coping skills, exploring moral (sorry pc acting up)
********
I also found a site for counselors where they mention Trauma is Contagious...where they explain that the thoughts you are thinking release brain chemicals which can affect your body's health. but again my pc freezez:(

In my opinion even though I probably jumped the gun and over reacted, I feel this topic 'how to switch non-positive or destructive thought patterns' is something to research


I'm having pc probs, it's time to get the youngest to bed. SO will try to add more another day.

Thanks for the clarification regarding your true intentions of the thread. I would have always worried about you if you never posted again:( guess that's the mom in me

gingagirl
10-21-04, 12:16 AM
BEM - Sorry, I didn't actually think you were suicidal. But when you said you were going off meds for a week, I thought maybe you were having some sort of medical procedure & were told to stop taking them ...so if you were to have a medical procedure, why not go inpatient ...since it can be so much fun if you're not deathly ill. Anyway, that's the line of thinking that got me to the first part of my reply.

And then I added the part about how to get yourself committed if need be ...but then I thought, who wants to be committed to a mental hospital? So then I thought you might do the reverse of my recommendation --you might decide NOT to mention the suicidal thoughts to make sure you don't end up getting committed ...but since it's best to let your doctor know about these thought, I added the last bit about telling your doctor in a way that won't get you committed.

:eek: GEEEZ!! I think nobody but an ADDer has a chance of following my line of thinking. Just wanted to explain myself. Let me know if you actually understand my explanation!

As for me & my thoughts ...I'm on Effexor right now, so I haven't been bothered by my suicidal imaginings lately. I have never seriously considered suicide --I can just talk a good talk (and visualize a good death:p).

Exeter - I had that same thought about driving into the path of a semi. But like I said before, I visualize my thoughts pretty vividly, so I actually saw myself coming face to face with the semi and then I'd look away & snap myself back to reality right when the semi hit me in my imagination

BEM - If you're thinking about death & all the various ways you could die, maybe it would help to put someone else in the role of the person being killed ...when I was trying to stop my thoughts, I tried imagining that it was Osama getting killed. I've probably killed him a hundred times in my mind. Don't know if that will work for you, but it might be worth a try.

blueyemass1979
10-21-04, 02:32 AM
"you might decide NOT to mention the suicidal thoughts to make sure you don't end up getting committed ..."

Oh Jesus...you just verbalized something that had been on my mind but I was afraid to mention...frankly, I would like to talk to therapist etc. about suicidal thoughts...and in fact, the last psych knew about the suicidal thoughts, because he asked specifically (and who *hasn't* had suicidal thoughts, in our country and time?), and yet he didn't really seemed concerned when I went off the deep end after he pushed me out of his office.

Yet it does scare me: could someone nullify my rights if I simply mention the word "suicide"? I think most psychs have the mindset that they'd rather not be bothered with you unless absolutely necessary, but what if I bumped into one who had too much time on his hands? Don't want to be institutionalized--I know me, and it would only make things much much worse. Much much much worse. I really would be suicidal after that...

Which makes me wonder--how many people have been prompted to kill themselves by their treatment during an "intervention"? Not something they'd keep statistics on, I'd imagine.

blueyemass1979
10-21-04, 02:36 AM
Another question: You guys who've had these thoughts repeatedly, have you behaved self-destructively in other ways while having these thoughts?

Even though I would never deliberately inflict violence on myself, I have been behaving self-destructively. Basically, I stopped doing any actual work since the last non-visit to the psych (self-employed so I can do that, unfortunately...and fortunately to a lesser extent). Not working is also partly b/c of fear of having to deal with clients and their pettiness and all the ego issues, that they will drive me off the deep end again.

Other times in my life, I've had unprotected sex or didn't do papers in college or did other mildly self-destructive things...always scrupulously stayed away from alcohol and dangerous driving during these times. Cannot imagine touching "recreational" drugs or even cigarettes (as if I don't have enough to screw me up already).

Anyone else find a correlation between suicidal thoughts and "mild" self-destructiveness?

exeter
10-21-04, 02:37 AM
Unless you say "I want to kill myself," the therapist can't have you involuntarily committed. Simply revealing these obsessional thoughts isn't enough to do it. Basically, the therapist has to believe you're a danger to yourself or to others before it can happen.

blueyemass1979
10-21-04, 02:51 AM
Unless you say "I want to kill myself," the therapist can't have you involuntarily committed. Simply revealing these obsessional thoughts isn't enough to do it. Basically, the therapist has to believe you're a danger to yourself or to others before it can happen.
Oh God, it seems like it's a little too risky...what if, like the two people who replied to my initial post, the doctor or therapist hears the word, "suicide," and then jumps into "intervention" mode.

I trust my therapist pretty well...but I do not trust psychiatrists, or really, doctors in general, especially in the current climate of things being determined according to a calculus of liability. By that I mean, I don't know if you can or would want to sue someone for committing you involuntarily, given the fact that the act of commitment itself destroys your credibility, but of course if someone ever did kill themselves the psych. or whoever could conceivably be in a ton of trouble for not committing them...so it would be the cautious path to commit the person.

I can only imagine this whole commitment thing has kept more people from seeking help than it could possibly have saved.

I would prefer to speak about this with the "care-givers" more or less in plausibly-deniable code, but I was doing that with my psych and I don't think he quite understood.

Ian
10-21-04, 11:08 AM
Self destructive behaviour is common for me when I'm having these thoughts. Conversly I display more effective self care when I am strong.
ian

gingagirl
10-21-04, 06:13 PM
Ditto on the self-destructive behavior when I'm having those thoughts.

I'm feeling guilty now. I didn't want to freak you out about talking with a therapist. You could describe your thoughts a little differently ..."I'm having thoughs of horrible things happening to me, thoughts about dying in horrible accidents." By the mere fact that you're bothered by the thoughts, seems like a good indication that you don't want to die. Also, if so many of us have had these thoughts while being depressed, seems like it must be a fairly common phenomenon.

I want to reiterate that I did not jump to the conclusion that you wanted to kill yourself. I started out on the premise that you were going off meds because you needed some sort of medical procedure (unrelated to ADD or depression). From there my mind wandered and I eventually ended up talking about a mental hospital ...but I didn't really think you should go to one ...kind of mentioned it just in case I was mis-judging your orginal post.

charlie
10-22-04, 12:02 AM
Blue,
I think you can totally relax on the being committed against your will worries.
I have mentioned suicide thoughts it was part of my very first visits with both PDoc & counselor. With my family history I have worried that thoughts could lead to the deed.

Every health questionnaire asks family history and mine is loaded with suicides.
Think about it this way, they're professionals they ask pointed questions and they use their judgment. I felt the significant question to me was 'have you made any plans?' 'have you worked out a method?' and when I answered no then they seemed to relax.

Even in this sue-happy world we live in I may be a dislusional Polly-Anna but I truly believe people who work in the health care field are driven to help people not put them away.

blueyemass1979
10-24-04, 07:36 PM
You're right--no need to worry about being committed.

I mentioned the suicidal thoughts to the therapist, and she completely understood. She said it was a result of the frustration I was experiencing because of the dead end with the psych, and she was right. The thoughts have pretty much gone away now that it's sinking in that I won't have to see that psych. again. I also ordered Wellbutrin off the internet, but I think the thoughts would have died down anyway.

Gingagirl--sorry if I upset you with my (overreacting) post about other overreacting post-ers. I was mostly talking about charlie's first (very caring!) post, not yours. Though, truth be told, I don't have such a warm fuzzy feeling about hospitals...all those sick people...yuck!

For now the thoughts of suicide and even the dead-end frustration are going away. But I still feel very very sad; I think I'm entering into a sort of mourning for my relationship with the psych. and all the hopes that were bound up with it, not to mention the nearly two months of my life.

What I've learned from all of this is if you're having suicidal thoughts, it might be due to frustration, meaning it can all go away once the source of the frustration is out of the way.

Gingagirl, I really hope your death thoughts can go away...they just sound so unpleasant. Imagine if you had equally vivid thoughts about something nice? Wouldn't that be great? I'm trying to get to that point, and I'm not going to adjust to being unhappy in the meantime--and I hope you don't either.

gingagirl
10-24-04, 07:44 PM
Gingagirl, I really hope your death thoughts can go away...they just sound so unpleasant. Imagine if you had equally vivid thoughts about something nice? Wouldn't that be great? I'm trying to get to that point, and I'm not going to adjust to being unhappy in the meantime--and I hope you don't either.
I'm not currently having any death thoughts (thanks to Effexor). Every once in a while, I will have a really happy thought --usually it's more of a vivid memory than a random thought that I'm conjuring up in mind. When I get a really happy thought, I get a goofy smile & people wonder what I'm so happy about ...sometimes I actually laugh out loud and that really gets people wondering! :D

jjsalad
01-21-09, 06:45 PM
lol its 2009 now,i am 21 i was reading threw posts and i found this one i dont know if anyone will reply... but recently i witnessed a terrible act of self mutilation on the part of my half sister... she actually cut her hand off beliving that she was doing right... i unfortunatly i was in the house when it happened as well as my mom. i had to save her life by holding her down while she was in a sycotic state and applying pressure to her wound well my mom was on the phone with 911. its been one month after the accident.. and i get these thoughts of self harm... they scare the **** right out of me to the point where i have panick attacks, my doctor says its normal... like before this happened i had no history of deppression or any mental illness the thought of suicide or self harm never even crossed my mind, and its makin me sick because i have lots to live for... i get scared when i look at things that i will loose control and harm myself.. im takin something for anxiety because apprently thats what i have... and i hate taking this kind of medication because im not like that, and before the event i was fine.. i just wanna give a shout out to all long time sufferers of this... anyone can fall victom to these kinds of thoughts. ive come to belive that thoughts cant do nothing.. im sane... the people who harm themselves most of the time dont realize they are having symtoms so that makes me normal and anyone who has thoughts that scare them normal... Heres my coping strategy..... when even i have a bad thought... i write a list of everything i have and compare it to someone less fortunate.. i know thats wrong but u can never go to far when your tryin to help yourself. Just remember.. only the strong survive, and people if we can deal with this.... life's easy....

Somebody_Else
01-31-09, 11:33 PM
I always read this page when I'm feeling that low...
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
Try giving it a go. It always gets helps me out just enough to get somewhere where i can get more help (i.e. phone, bed, sofa, home)

Bluerose
02-03-09, 09:25 AM
blueyemass1979,

I don't know if this will help but I suffered from the same thing then I read somewhere about acknowledging that you really don't want to kill yourself. I think it's something to do with thoughts you may have had when you were younger. They won't go until you acknowledge that you have changed your mind and you do not want to die.

Affirmations can be helpful especially when you are having trouble controlling or organising your thoughts as an affirmation is simply repeating the same positive statement over and over. Choose something like, “I have changed my mind, I don't want to die” or simply “I do not want to commit suicide.” You can also 'ask' the thoughts to go away because you have no need of them anymore. Try it.

dormammau2008
02-03-09, 02:53 PM
hioya blue feel free snytime to chat about how thingsss are if it helps dorm

QueensU_girl
02-04-09, 07:38 PM
Are you having suicidal thoughts (images, etc) or suicidal feelings or both?

ReachingForSun
02-12-09, 04:05 PM
I have had problems with obsessional thoughts of suicide, everything from how I would do it to the impact to people to the philosophy of life. I have told my regular therapist and one when I went to go back on the meds about my suicidal thoughts. Neither have wanted to hospitalize me because I don't have plan and I have been able to talk about coping strategies I can employ.

So, I have not been taught how to stop the thoughts per se, but I picked up a tip in restorative yoga class: when the negative thoughts come, imagine them going away in a gentle smoke, dissipating into the air. The smoke is not harmful, rather, it just simply blows away. Then I actively use my energy to think of a life-affirming thought or action. I use a 2:1 ratio: for example, if I think of a suicidal thought, I let it dissipate, then actively think of two life-affirming things. For example, imagining myself soaking in the warm, restful, healing sun on a beach and my face as I smile while running on the elliptical machine. I always imagine myself in a positive light or doing a positive activity. That has been incredibly powerful, because I have chosen not to put energy into the harmful thoughts or beat myself up for having the thoughts, but chose to immediately use my energy to invest in the positive, life-affirming thoughts. I sometimes think of it like a fire extinguisher :) It is very empowering and it gets easier over time.

This then leads to a foundation of believing that suicide is futile. I actively think, "suicide is futile" and know it to be true. When the thoughts come and they are strong and I can't "stop" them, I respond by thinking/saying, "Yeah, but suicide is futile." I think of a time when I thought suicide was the answer and then of a time when I was feeling better or good. I think, "If I had listened to my depression, obessions or PMDD, I wouldn't have been here to know I had a good day the next day! I would have destroyed myself and others - for what?" And it makes sense to me :) Hope that makes ADD sense to you!

I get what you mean about not actually following through with suicide, it's not that you want to be dead, it's just that you want to feel better. I decided I can't feel better if I am dead.

All of these actions have greatly helped decrease and manage my suicidal thoughts while simultaneously helping me redirect my energy and thought process.

hopehope
12-26-10, 02:18 PM
Anyone who has actually had persistent suicidal thoughts...how did you make them go away?

I don't think I'm actually going to kill myself. But it's scary to have these thoughts. When I'm not on ADHD medication, I have so much trouble controlling my thoughts and my thoughts drift in this direction. I am going to be forced off the medications for one week (possibly much longer), and this in particular has me terrified.

I know about the "STOP!" technique, but when you can't control your thoughts much, that doesn't work. Works fine when I'm on medication, but not otherwise.

A long time ago I had promised myself that if I ever were about to commit suicide I'd take off somewhere--like another country, start over, and enjoy myself. Kind of like pressing the "reset" button rather than "off." And I have lived abroad before, so this is very possible--not just an idle fancy.

So, I'm more afraid of waking up one morning in Rio de Janeiro than actually dead. But realistically that might not be the best life move I can make right now.My son was 8years old and on ritalin and had to go off because he was having suicidal thoughts and so did my sister they were both change to adderall if your on ritalin get off and try something else

Book_Addict
01-22-11, 01:58 PM
Hang in there!

A few years ago in my teen years, I came very close to suicide around 14/15 and nearly pulled in off by slicing my wrists. I went from dull blades like a fingernail file to prep myself for getting a knife from the kitchen when my mom was at work.

I got scared too actually go through with it, and ended up confessing to some kids on a chat and then spilled my story to my mom, and later on my good friend in middle school who was extremely supportive and talked with me for a long time.

Sometimes, even I contemplate what could have been, and those old thoughts still wave inside my head even though its been years since I attempted it.

I pray, focus on something happy, and I know that my mom is there, or friends, or if I'm totally alone a suicide hotline that will listen :)

magicka
11-04-13, 11:26 PM
Finally, someone who has this issue besides me. How about that. I'm not crazy. I have been reading, studying and researching for years to try to figure this out. Meds actually don't help. It is interesting how some anti depressants increase suicidal thoughts. I must come to the conclusion that this is a trait of depression which appears to be a part of my personality. I must learn to live with it somehow.

Cyllya
11-05-13, 10:48 AM
I know this feeling. Fortunately, anti-depressants mostly did the trick for me. The idea of wanting to die does sometimes still pop up when I'm super-stressed, forget my anti-depressants, or am going through withdrawal from something, but not otherwise.

Since my depression is kind of cyclical either way, I use my "sane" days to make sure suicide is really inconvenient. Don't own a gun. Don't get a note ready. Be aware of how ineffective over-the-counter med overdosing is for suicide (e.g. they might kill you, but not for several days). Depression makes you lazy, thank goodness. ("This sucks! I am BOYCOTTING LIFE... right after this nap... Zzz.") Personally, when I had suicidal thoughts, it brought me comfort to know that if it got worse and I became suicidal for real, I'd survive long enough for the urge to wear off.

Another question: You guys who've had these thoughts repeatedly, have you behaved self-destructively in other ways while having these thoughts?

Even though I would never deliberately inflict violence on myself, I have been behaving self-destructively. Basically, I stopped doing any actual work since the last non-visit to the psych (self-employed so I can do that, unfortunately...and fortunately to a lesser extent). Not working is also partly b/c of fear of having to deal with clients and their pettiness and all the ego issues, that they will drive me off the deep end again.

Other times in my life, I've had unprotected sex or didn't do papers in college or did other mildly self-destructive things...always scrupulously stayed away from alcohol and dangerous driving during these times. Cannot imagine touching "recreational" drugs or even cigarettes (as if I don't have enough to screw me up already).

Anyone else find a correlation between suicidal thoughts and "mild" self-destructiveness?

Yup, same here. I just run out of damns to give, so to speak.

Nibs91
11-06-13, 01:52 PM
I would never actually commit suicide. However, I always, always have this thought in my mind that I wish I could just cease to exist. That or give my life/soul to someone who deserves it.