Sometimes i feel very isolated and lonely. And it's all my fault. I have had plenty of opportunity to cultivate friendships and I never take anyone up on it...and then people just stop asking me to do things w/ them. And what I do is allow one single person to become close to me...and I completely focus on that person. And I end up caring very much about whoever I've let into my life...but it seems like that person ends up getting the brunt of all my ADD behaviour. I fight constantly w/ the one person that I care about most. Why do I do that? I hate it so much.

I'm having a bad day and just need to vent :(

I'm sorry that you are having a bad day struggling. But there are people with add that seem to find relationships that work and many of them are a part of this site. maybe you can take a look at some other stories and you will find an inspiring story that will help you hang in there. i know there is someone out there for you. there will be better days.

Struggling,
I'm the absolute worst friend because I'm so comfortable being anti-social. In my mind I excuse this hermit-ness as a coping mechanism --I focus all my energy when not working solely on raising my children, and there's no more me to share.

Hope you don't mind--I've been in online research mode lately & copied the following :

13 Steps to cultivate friendship:
Research has found that being warm, able to laugh at yourself and listening are the three most vital likeability factors. Others are to be positive, straightforward, non-critical and non-judgmental. Add energy, enthusiasm and a lively interest in other people and the world, and the result is irresistible.
These seemingly abstract attributes break down into behaviours which can be practised and learnt.


Look open, interested and cheerful, use lots of eye contact, eyebrows slightly raised, perhaps leaning forward a little. Too much can seem threatening while too little seems cold and uninterested. Try approaching a mirror as if it was another person, to find out how you’re coming across.

Being tense is very offputting. Tension clamps your lips shut and dries your mouth, so try consciously parting your lips a fraction, relaxing your jaw and letting your mouth corners lift a bit. The appearance of confidence helps create it. Standing straight (but not rigid) and moving slowly helps as well.

Smile, even if you feel awkward. Not smiling in social situations tends to come across as hostility.

If you’re self-conscious about your body, your movement is probably constricted as you try to hide the bulges. But not moving and gesturing freely looks uptight. If you’re fat, people will notice it whatever you do, so you may as well let your body express yourself. You will seem much warmer and more confident.

Listen to others, yes of course, but listen to yourself as well. Do you sound depressed, apologetic, whiny, irritable? Or warm, relaxed, friendly? Consciously lowering the pitch of your voice, and speaking slowly, help.

Don’t hover round the edge of a group. Researchers find that hoverers are the less socially skilled and, since everyone instinctively knows this, hovering is very uncomfortable and downgrades you. Pick two people you want to move between and touch them lightly on the elbow. They will automatically shift sideways. Once your shoulders are in line with everyone else’s, you’ll be accepted as part of the group.

Don’t despise small talk. It oils the wheels while you both decide how much better you might like to know each other. To keep it going, ask open-ended questions—and listen to the answers.

Being able to laugh at yourself is vital—but it’s not the same as being the life and soul of the party. You don’t have to keep everyone’s spirits up, just your own.

Self-disclosure is a crucial ingredient of friendship, research finds. But it must be balanced. Blurting out your whole life makes people back off. But never telling them anything about yourself seems cold, distant, even hostile. It should be a dance. You disclose a bit, they disclose a bit, and so on.

Don’t complain or blame, request. The only people who like complainers are the ones who are just waiting for you to finish, so they can get their own moan in! If the complaint can’t be turned into a request, keep it to yourself. (This seemingly simple rule is a very powerful way to get passive aggression, sulking, resentment and other damaging and unattractive characteristics out of your relationships.)

Don't criticise, judge or offer unasked-for advice. If you do, you're seen as distancing yourself and setting yourself up as superior. You don’t attract others but put them off.

Don’t be too perfectionist. Being wonderful gains admirers, not friends. The rule is, be impressed, not impressive. One woman made a point of not laying the table before her dinner guests came. People became much more relaxed when she wasn’t perfectly ready.

Wondering whether people will like you can stop you feeling—and expressing—liking for them. The key is to concentrate on what you think of others and let yourself feel warmth, admiration and interest. Don’t gush, but don’t be embarrassed to compliment them.The bottom line is that being attractive is about being rewarding. It’s about people feeling better, brighter and nicer for having spent time with you. If they feel you find them attractive—they’ll find you attractive: from JaneFirbank.com
I know friendship takes effort and I myself am not willing to give up any time for that. I'm great in a working or school environment. And I know I'll probably be searching for friendship someday, but the way I feel now, I'll worry about it tomorrow (Mz Scarlett:)).

Good post charlie. Thanks.

I'm hard on those closest to me. I have used meditation twice a day to keep myself more aware of what I say before I say it. It's about time I got back to that practise.
ian

Great post Charlie, I printed it out and its in my purse now! :)

I can identify with isolating myself. I think I use it as a coping mechanism as well. However, not a successful one. I am social and like being around people, and isolating myself makes things worse. I keep thinking when I get my ADD under control, I can make more time for others. But that's like searching for utopia.

I, too, over the past year have withdrawn from friends. Phone doesn't ring as much. And I get used to the isolation. But I think I need to get back out there. At work, I am a social butterfly but when I get home, I don't have an outlet. I think to have friends, you need to put yourself out there. Pick up the phone and make things happen.

I'm a friendly person who gets along with most people. I have many many people "I know" but I wouldn't call them my friends. I have 3 very good friends but we next to never do anything together but talk on the phone. I don't feel isolated or have any feels of "I wish I had a friend"

I have another issues with friends, not finding one that has common interests as me. Oh ya sure we get along and they're fun and doing anything more with them would require me to be a different person.

I don't drink(well, not often) so going out on a Sat. night to a bar is not my thing and they don't want to go out to a boring movie.

I don't do drugs, so getting high before going to the boring movies is not something I want to do and something they want to do.

I'm not a church go-er, I'm not interested in going to a Church group thing.

Then there are the ones that aren't married and looking

or not attached and have kids and looking

or the ones that are married with children and go out with their husbands on a Sat. night not their friends.

or there those who's husband are very controlling and wont let them out and then they turn around and complain to me about how my husband treats me !!! :mad:

Who needs a friends !! and ya I"m bitter :D

I don't need a husband either so maybe I should set up one of the people I know who aren't married and looking with him !!??

No, better not I don't need any enemies either :D

Struggling, I am the same way..isolated, etc..I'm so used to not having many friends that its not that big of a deal. I have moved around fairly often(been in one place for 5 years now though) so its hard to meet people when you are moving from city to city...also, when you become a working adult, most people don't have a lot friends to hang out with...I realize that my LD/ADD issues turn a lot of people off, and I'm picky about friends(and potential female partners)as well.... I have temper, mood, negativity problems(mostly due to my unemployment, job stability issues), so that doesn't make many people want to be around me.

I'm so glad I found this spot. I too sometimes struggle and end up isolating myself. For the most part I am very friendly and outgoing. One of those people who have a permanent smile on their face. The only difference is when my meds are failing me. I isolate myself, don't talk to anyone, etc. I get so afraid that my friends won't have anything to do with me. This 'special' guy friend in my life is even putting up with me. I told him my fears and said if he had any questions that he could ask me. Guess what? We're still 'special' friends. It's like its not even bothering me. He was so happy when I told him I got switched to news meds. Thanks!

Struggling right now I'm going thru the samething while I probably need those I love close at hand right now I just want them all to go away and leave me alone. I'm not handling the stress of my life well right now and then your throw past memories and work and kids and hubby...why won't people just leave me alone? Yet, I'm really lonely. I wonder if there is something terminally wrong with me a lot. lol

Hugs Struggling

Isolation? well, it comes and goes. There are cycles, where my friends are more available...they're all married. And my only single friend, has since moved out of state. So I spend a lot of time, either at the gym or at home with my cats. lol

I think the issue of having friends in adulthood, is more of a Societal problem. In talking with people, who have worked in third world countries. Conditions may be appaulling sp?...but they have a sence of community and fulfillment. Modern life is so isolating in some sences. I've heard both my sister and brother-in-law say, that they both wish for a friend and outside of the home activities. Basically, they've got the kids and whatever socializing they do along with the childrens activities. I spend a lot of time alone, but I've definately got a broader range of people to do things with...when they're available.

Slippy, I am the same way...spend a lot of time at the gym(when you don't have a job, its one of the few outlets) and at home of course. Wish I could say I have a lot of married friends, I don't(used to have one, but haven't talked to him in over 2 years). When I get into relationships with woman they are usually my frineds, when the relationship ends, I am back to square one, no real friends. Sort of a vicious cycle. I sometimes get down because I would like to be married, have a stable job, etc....but not sure if this will ever happen.... Trying to focus on myself and not worry about all this other "extracurricular" stuff.

Well, man...gym was a great outlet when I wasn't working two summers ago. Got laid off for a little while. I'm real picky about people I spend time with, and it took me several years of staying put...to develop some. But still, there are a lot of weekends...home alone. lol

Yeh, the white picket fence thing sounds nice. But we single folks make up, around 40% or the population, and 63% of that total have never been married. So it's not so unusual. Sometimes, I'll tease my date...that the very next guy they meet they'll marry. Can't tell you how many times that has happened...three within the past four years. All married on the rebound...lol Even from High School to college...it's scary...lol

Can't decide if it's that I don't have staying power, miss certain signals...or refuse to submit. ;) If you lived a little closer, I'd invite you out for a beer...and compare notes.

I spent the majority of my life w/ my ex (15 yrs) being isolated from people. We hung out w/ his friends. I didn't have any. And I thought I liked it that way. Then I started working outside the home...making friends (not close friends, but i became more social w/ being at work) and I discovered i'm really a social person. I liked having friends. But then I left my husband and have been having a hard time since...I push people away and then wonder why I feel so lonely. it's really dumb of me.

What state do you live in Slippy? I am in the process of trying to get on in the Probation department where I live(I think this might be a job I can tolerate and possibly like!)...I should know sometime in Novemeber if I get hired. If I don't I will probably be moving out of California, its just to expensive(crappy 3 bedroom homes where I live are 300K or more!). Looking at a few states right now. Its pretty scary because the economy is still bad. I will be applying for jobs out of state though.

Struggling, I'm pretty social myself...it mostly depends if I am working or not...at prior jobs I used to hang out with co-workers(acquaintences), so this gave me a decent social life.....since I am currently not working, I can't afford to be doing a lot of "social" stuff right now anyway...hopefully, I can get a job where I can meet people of similar age group that will get me back out there sometime in the near future.

I am a very isolated person also. I just can't handle small talk for one thing. Also I tend to not listen when others are talking so it makes me seem rude. It is just easier to sit at home it seems like. I really liked that list above, I am going to try some of those things.

Living in North Carolina cameron. Good luck with the job man!!! yeh California is expensive...here a nice 3 bedroom can be found for between $110 and as much as anyone would care to pay.

I realized yesterday that I have completely withdrawn from everyone I know. There is not one person in my city that I could call up for a coffee. That is sad.
http://ellis.dyndns.biz/users/chinwag/emoticons/negative/wallbash.gif

Struggling,
Have you thought of volunteering? Is there enough time in your week that you could spare a few hours to volunteer somewhere?
I know if I didn't have my kids to take up my time I'd be volunteering at a local shelter- two or four legged, maybe both.

Holidays are around the corner there are lots of craft stores giving classes as well as a local gym or Y, depending on your interest. My idea is that you'll strike up conversations with folks at any of these places, which could lead to some future coffee meets.

Volunteering gives you back much more than you might expect - you feel that you can make a difference - even though you're just one person, you do have the power to change things for the better. It feels good to be wanted, when people depend on you, it changes the way you look at yourself.

Throw some of your interests out here and we'll help you brainstorm a worthy hobby or agency that could use your skills.

its really so much easier to meet new friends when you have some common interest or subject to get you going, plus it always seems to take time as people need to get comfortable enough to want to share.

volunteering is a great idea, if you don't meet folks normally in your day routine. or you might join a club like photography or book club (a friend of mine is in one and loves it)

maybe there is an add group in your area to get involved with.

if you've withdrawn from everyone....maybe you can think of your previous friend and send them an email and start something going again.

or you can chat to us....and even with the chat sessions!

I have plenty of opportunity to meet people. I go regularly to the gym. But I close myself off...it's a whole anti-social behaviour that I have. I don't like it, I am much happier when I am around other people...but I still do it. I get stuck inside my head and can't seem to find my way out.

I've been trying to find an ADD support group in my area but I haven't been successful yet. I know there's people w/ ADD here, lol....so there must be a support group, I just don't know how to go about finding it.

I get stuck inside my head and can't seem to find my way out.
That's how I describe it, too.

Ok, gotcha. I've done something like this occasionally.

for support,

http://www.adrn.org/html/support_groups.html

there is also a section on Canada below you might check out.


www.adhdinperspective.ca I rec'd from someone else and pass along to you

these might help...

Question...where did these pics by everyone's name come from? maybe its my add, or something!??! Struggling, if that is you're pic(and you're single) I would LOVE to have coffee with you...buy me a plane ticket and I will be right up to Ontario! hahaa

btw, I would possibly move to Canada, the people seem really nice and most importantly there is no President W! opps, better watch what I say...Impulsitivity getting me again.

Question...where did these pics by everyone's name come from? maybe its my add, or something!??! Struggling, if that is you're pic(and you're single) I would LOVE to have coffee with you...buy me a plane ticket and I will be right up to Ontario! hahaa

btw, I would possibly move to Canada, the people seem really nice and most importantly there is no President W! opps, better watch what I say...Impulsitivity getting me again.

Yep...that's me! LOL...it's called an avatar, you can put one up if you go to your user control panel and look in there under options I think.

As to coffee in Ontario....get yer own plane ticket...then we'll talk ;) :p lol

stuggling,
who needs friends?
they are a waste of time.
they'll never make you happy or un-lonely
did i just say that?
sorry.
I get more satisfaction looking thru a telescope.
I would be the happiest guy on earth if I was completely alone on some isolated island.
Ok maybe if Britney Spears was there too It would be OK

Britney Spears!?!?!? come on! you can find a LOT better choices than her on an isolated island!!! Faith Hill, Charlize Theron, the list goes on and on and on and on and on............................

I don't know what is wrong with me, 'cause I'd LIKE to have friends, but the ones I have seem to be isolationists. I seem to need to do the calling always. Makes me feel sad, like I am not really wanted. Don't know why, don't think I am a bad friend. Perhaps I am just being ADD oversensitive and everyone is just getting on with their modern over-busy lives. I would like to have friends whom I need to throw out occasionally because they come around too much, not friends who never drop in unless it is scheduled. (sigh)

Unless I schedule time with my add friend, we likely won't get together, because he is always out and about or preoccupied and may not even answer the phone or his cell. Believe me, I've tried.

Plus if he is really focussed on something, he doesnt' like to have that focus broken by interruptions. Well I do n't much either I suppose.

In any case, our family would think it is pretty rude to stop in on someone unannounced, so we don't do it, basically.

Scheduling things with you might be the most polite and most reliable way of getting to see you. It's kinda depressing to keep coming to someone's door and find they aren't home, have something on the go, are about to leave just then, have other company over, are in the bath....;)

I've been trying to find an ADD support group in my area but I haven't been successful yet. I know there's people w/ ADD here, lol....so there must be a support group, I just don't know how to go about finding it.
Have you tried the meetup.com website. A few of us in my small town are putting an ADD group together through it.

Also, most everyone from my past seems genuinely pleased to hear from me when I call, and thankfully I don't have the problem of not being able to identify when I'm not wanted. Once I join a new group of people, usually through an existing friend, I find numerous invitations extended my way. Problem is that I stop making time for them. But anyone that I have ever considered a good friend always takes me back.

Afterall, even the normies lead busy lives, its up to us to make the time.

I don't know what is wrong with me, 'cause I'd LIKE to have friends, but the ones I have seem to be isolationists. I seem to need to do the calling always. Makes me feel sad, like I am not really wanted. Don't know why, don't think I am a bad friend. Perhaps I am just being ADD oversensitive and everyone is just getting on with their modern over-busy lives. I would like to have friends whom I need to throw out occasionally because they come around too much, not friends who never drop in unless it is scheduled. (sigh)

I've never had much trouble in making or keeping friends. I give my ADHD/OCD all the credit though. You see it's torture to even have to think about sitting still, the very thought sends shutters thru my spine. When I'm bored or lonely I'll call up a friend and tell them I'm having a very OCD day and can't find anything to clean, they are more then happy to have me over for the day and even make me lunch...we get to eat, talk, laugh and I get to give my OCD tendancies a fix. My suggestion is use what you have to your benefit, find your weakness' and use your stregnth's to over compensate.

I also keep on hand my friends' favorite beverages and alway's have snack food available. If you live in a small town like me you could always work in your yard and when a friend comes by start talking with them and invite them in for a drink...some turn you down due to their busy lives but most people are out and walking around because they are lonely too. Open yourself to instinct...if I'm lonely I'll just let my mind wonder and the first friend that pops into my mind is the one I call more times then not they were thinking about calling me as well.

Making friends is hardwork, maintaning friendships is even harder work. Friendship is much like marriage you have to take the good with the bad.

Good luck and know that if you were closer you would alway's be welcomed at my house.
Cherity

I definately see myself in this post. I have a small group of friends that I am quite content with at school however don't get to doing anything outside of school with them, nor do we know much about each other's personal lives. Part of that may be because I isolate myself from others and don't really care to reach out or communicate with them outside of that environment. Ironically however, I am always the one upset at myself for not having any friends or anything to do. I also realize that part of this is because I don't feel that these friends have the same interests and insights as me. I tend to feel more connected with the outside world and people I don't actually know; this being the main reason for my internet addiction. I think in order to secure friends and maintain friendships you just have to put yourself out there and make moves first. Then again easier said than done.