New to forums and looking for feedback. Not sure if husband is ADD or ADHD, but having sneaking suspicions. Something has always felt really wrong in relationship. Dated 7.5 years before marrying (I broke up alot over uncaring comments, etc... he'd make), now married for 17 years. Always have dealt with the following which has come to head; emotional distance (husband keeps things very shallow), very little affection, no 'love yous', etc..., impulsive and obsessive interests, sort of anal about getting things just right, freaks out easily when frustrated and overreacts, procrastinates, makes me organize/handle everything, overly critical, never pays compliments, controlling, doesn't follow through on expected paperwork/taxes (months late every year married), lack of interest in me, doesn't listen very well.

We have twin boys, both diagnosed bipolar (one probable ADHD too). I have to do everything for them. He just wants them better and is very impatient with their behaviors, then emotionally distances himself from them. He has very shallow relationship with them and they are a little fearful about what will set him off. When boys diagnosed he insists must come from my side of family. He has nephew who is ADHD/Tourette's, sister who is ADHD, mother who has (undiagnosed) Tourette's, sister who is hypochondriac, but he insists his family has nothing. From time kids were little, rather than being happy sports dad, would chastize kids about their bad performance and force extra practices to satisfy himself. Doesn't seem to be able to deal with way he thinks they 'should' be vs. way they are.

Found out recently he got woman pregnant just before we were together which they put up for adoption. He hid from me for 27 years. When I reacted with hurt he was completely un-apologetic and defensive. Couldn't understand what business it was of mine, and I was even more hurt by his lack of understanding.

Been in marriage counseling for a while over my frustrations and the baby-thing. He's fairly uncooperative. Puts down therapist as defense mechanism, never has completed 'homework' she assigned 5 months ago. He's very defensive when she points out things he may be doing wrong. I asked for divorce several months ago but he wanted to try therapy, however he's not very cooperative about it.

I have periodically suffered some mental stuff of my own in intervening years. Had to take care of twins, basically by myself, all along. I think husband found the noise/responsibility frustrating and he'd find other things to do than help me. Freaks out really easily if they'd spill something/make mess, etc, then vanish to gym for most of evening. As result I developed anxiety problems (OCD) and ended up with depression. Now his reaction to everything having to do with me is that I'm just 'depressed' or 'overly-sensitive'. Uses that as explanation for any frustrations/upsets I may have.

But, by same token he is very dependent on me. He's great with business, no problem there. Also, husband is almost surely Tourette's (when upset; throat clearing, yawning, strange gagging-like mannerism with neck. Always; rapid blinking (27 blinks to my 3). When talking and stimulated, does strange finger-waggling gesture exactly like his mother).

DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR??????? :confused:

also intolerant of other's opions (his opinion is the RIGHT one).
also thinks everyone around him is an idiot
can only listen to one of my stories for about 15 seconds, then zones out

<Does any of this sound familiar>

Oh God,yes.
27yrs of living in a relationship exactly like yours.

I can relate to everything you said.

No relationship with his children
No empathy
No understanding
No affection
Overly critical
Controlling
Extremely quick tempered
Perfectionist
Very self opinionated
I could go on all day but i guess your going through the same thing so you will probably understand.

My husband too thinks that the rest of the world are idiots. Thick as pig s**t is one of his favourite sayings.
I also brought my children up on my own. He just couldn't be bothered with them. Far too demanding,noisey,messy,all the normal things that kids do drove him nuts.

Been told numerous times over the years that i am far too sensitive and i shouldn't take things he say's so personally. His reaction these day's when i get upset over another one of his callous remarks is to ask wether it's that time of the month. The problem as far as he see's it is my reaction to his remark and not what he has just said. Hope you know what i mean.
He isn't diagnosed but think after 27yrs he definately has adhd.
It took me until about 6mths ago to realise that the problems weren't me.
Thank God for the internet or i would still be going around feeling like a total failure.
I too suffer anxiety problems and panic attacks. Not surprising really when you think of the stress we live with day in and day out.

I feel more like his mother than his wife(i'm guessing you do too)

Keep in touch
Rose

I have only recently been diagnosed with AD/HD, but I married a man with it, and I knew he had it when we married.

He is a beautiful father.
He has empathy....far more than I could explain.
He is understanding.
Extremely affectionate.
Not critical at all.
Non controlling.
Not quick tempered.
Only a perfectionist to himself; not others.
Not self opinionated in the least.

He's also extremely intelligent and so damn funny I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world.

I think that both your husband's have 'something' wrong with them. Perhaps they are abusive people, but to place this all as ADHD behavior is so wrong. Look around this forum. Is all you see non caring people? No.

There are different types of people all over the world, and it is far too simplistic to say that AD/HD causes all these unpleasant behaviors in your husband's.

I am genuine in my empathy for both you ladies, but please be wary of "pathologizing" your husbands. That is really for a Doctor to do. I hope you both get some support and help because life with men like you both have is NOT good enough!

1+1 does not necessarily equal 2 in your cases. It probably wouldn't hurt if you both went to a Doc yourselves to deal with your anxiety; you need care as well.

I am trying to give you a sincere view of two sides of a coin. It is hard to accept it, but some people are just plain mean:(...I think you both deserve better.

Could your husband's have AD/HD.....yes. But the behavior is not conclusive to AD/HD by a long shot.

Take Care, both of you.....:)

P.S, as a side note, OCD and ADHD frequently go together as a comorbidity, ConfusedWife. Perhaps you didn't know that. OCD does not come from anxiety; it's a disorder unto itself, and depression is a part of the OCD in many people. I am sorry you have OCD. I have read much on it, and it is not pleasant.

Wow these experiences are totally foreign to me. My ADD friend is more like RhapsodyinBlue describes. He's a total catch and I'd take a chance on him in a flash if I could.

My cousin is also of the same ilk, very very sweet. They both do have some frustrations/anger and inattention and love stimulating things, and are definitely underemployed for their level of intelligence, but wow nothing like you folks have described.

I have to say, I dont think I would stay married to them if they were like that and not dedicated to some serious therapy/counselling/program. What would be left of me?

Rose & Confused Wife,
I think Viktoria & Crime Scene make good points about what can actually be blamed on ADD. However, I think that your ADDers being undiagnosed can play a significant role in their negtive personalities. They are experiencing ADD symptoms but refuse to acknowledge the disorder itself and seem angry and mean. Denial is a caustic beast. GD

Rose & Confused Wife,
I think Viktoria & Crime Scene make good points about what can actually be blamed on ADD. However, I think that your ADDers being undiagnosed can play a significant role in their negtive personalities. They are experiencing ADD symptoms but refuse to acknowledge the disorder itself and seem angry and mean. Denial is a caustic beast. GD
GD, how can you be so completely sure that these men have ADHD? I know from experience that it is not a simple diagnosis based on so-called bad behaviors. Some of us exhibit no behavioral symptoms like the ladies husband's above.

I feel it wrong to make diagnosis online when we are not qualified to do so. That is what I meant about "pathologizing". I do agree that denial is a caustic beast! :) But I don't agree that "we" can diagnose.

I'm with Viktoria on this one...show me an actual diagnosis and I will show you people who are abusive from ADHD...show me a shmuck and I will show you 80% of people in the world. What I see here, and I will be brutally honest (and that IS from ADHD), is people who are unhappy and trying to find a miracle cure for all their husband's problems. This is not wrong, but it is the wrong method.

ADHD is a disorder of attention. It is not a conduct disorder...

Now, BiPolar can cause these kinds of behaviors. ADHD is a disorder all its own. It therefore should not be diagnosed with everyone who has ADHD symptoms, especially if they are being caused by something else. Those are symptoms that I am relatively certain could be being caused by BiPolar Disorder...BUT I am not a doctor.

Therefore, my suggestion is to go to the same doctor or therapist who diagnosed the BiPolar disorder, and discuss it with them. Also, perhaps look at Tourette's Disorder... Tourette's Syndrome is far too rare to be expected...it's genetic and exceptionally rare, and he would most certainly have been diagnosed in childhood.

To summarize: I do not appreciate being identified as a person who is problematic because of my disorder. To paraphrase Sigmund Freud, "Sometimes an ***hole is just an ***hole."

WOW - When I chose to post a comment, looking for information and support, I sure didn't anticipate offending anyone or having my intentions questioned.

I have a couple comments to make;

1) As this area of the forums is for those non AD/HD partners to share their experiences I wonder if it's productive for those with the disorder to try to empathize. It would stand to reason that those with the disorder themselves might not recognize the behaviors in the same manner as those without it, who live around it. While I very well could be wrong in assuming this is partially responsible for behaviors in my husband, I wonder if those experiencing the disorder themselves are not partially blinded to how it affects others.

2) Regardless of whether my husband has it, or not, it is not my intention to trash anyone, including him. It's not my intent to put anyone on the defensive. If I am wrong in my analysis of his behaviors, that is fine. I am simply looking for a possible explanation for recurrent behaviors.

3) In past reading, I am under the impression that ADD and ADHD differ in the way they present themselves. ADDrs tend to be more sensitive and insecure, while ADHDrs tend to be more impulsive and aggressive. Those are perhaps wrong adjectives to use, but please refer to
www.ldpride.net/addsub-types.htm

4) I know quite a bit about bipolar. It is possible husband is bipolar, but he doesn't suffer from depression. While his worker bee projects could be construed as mania, I doubt it.

5) Professional diagnosis are absolutely necessary, I agree. I am not trying to trivialize their importance. That is part of reason I am here - trying to gain knowledge. However, in regards to Tourette's, as such a visually obvious disorder, I think I am fairly certain. It has a high comorbidity rate with AD/HD and others around my husband have noticed these tics for years. As it does not get in way of his life or bother me, there's been no reason to deal with it.

6) OCD - "What is O.C.D.? by Steven Phillipson, Ph.D.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder, first and foremost. It is not a thought disorder. " (from www.ocdonline.com)

7) From viewing many of the other posts in the Non-ADD Partner Support section, I can see that there are many spouses/partners out there who are feeling overwhelmed; common comments are about insensitivity, hurtful comments, feeling overwhelmed at having to do so much.

Finally - it may very well be that I am completely off base. If so, so be it. I have to say though, that I'd expected a little more warm fuzzies from a forum designed to be a support. Sorry to all I may have offended.

WOW - When I chose to post a comment, looking for information and support, I sure didn't anticipate offending anyone or having my intentions questioned.

Confused Wife, I don't think any one here feels offended. I don't. :) Neither am I questioning your intentions. I said clearly in my post that I empathized with your situation, but I did make it clear that your Husband has no clear diagnosis of ADHD, therefore it is presumptious of "us" to attempt to make a diagnosis when we are not qualified.

I have a couple comments to make;

1) As this area of the forums is for those non AD/HD partners to share their experiences I wonder if it's productive for those with the disorder to try to empathize. It would stand to reason that those with the disorder themselves might not recognize the behaviors in the same manner as those without it, who live around it. While I very well could be wrong in assuming this is partially responsible for behaviors in my husband, I wonder if those experiencing the disorder themselves are not partially blinded to how it affects others.

I have a question here; maybe more. Do you think that we with the disorder cannot empathize? If so, you are very wrong. I had no idea I had ADHD, but my husband guessed I did by my dreamy like state of mind, and procrastinative behaviors. He did NOT tell me. That is empathy!
Do you think we are immune from experiencing a lack of empathy? What about those of us who lost family [parents] because we have this disorder? Was that empathy on the part of the Non ADHD'ers? No. So do you suggest that we are incapable of feeling empathetic, or feeling those that are unempathetic towards us? I doubt it. I am sad that you think we are in some way defficient of the ability to be impartial. I think that we with the disorder are more likely to know all about a lack of empathy, and we 'can' understand what you are feeling. All we have really said is that we do not place all these behaviors on ADHD.


2) Regardless of whether my husband has it, or not, it is not my intention to trash anyone, including him. It's not my intent to put anyone on the defensive. If I am wrong in my analysis of his behaviors, that is fine. I am simply looking for a possible explanation for recurrent behaviors.

It isn't impossible that your husband has ADHD, but his behavior is not suggestive of it in the primary sense of the disorder.

3) In past reading, I am under the impression that ADD and ADHD differ in the way they present themselves. ADDrs tend to be more sensitive and insecure, while ADHDrs tend to be more impulsive and aggressive. Those are perhaps wrong adjectives to use, but please refer to
www.ldpride.net/addsub-types.htm (http://www.ldpride.net/addsub-types.htm)

I am not qualified to comment on this as I have inattentive type ADHD. But I know hyeractive ADHD'ers that are not aggressive. Impulsive? Yes. Sometimes, but who isn't? Haven't you ever bought something on impulse? ;)


4) I know quite a bit about bipolar. It is possible husband is bipolar, but he doesn't suffer from depression. While his worker bee projects could be construed as mania, I doubt it.

I tend to agree. But again, I am not qualified to diagnose.

5) Professional diagnosis are absolutely necessary, I agree. I am not trying to trivialize their importance. That is part of reason I am here - trying to gain knowledge. However, in regards to Tourette's, as such a visually obvious disorder, I think I am fairly certain. It has a high comorbidity rate with AD/HD and others around my husband have noticed these tics for years. As it does not get in way of his life or bother me, there's been no reason to deal with it.

Tourettes and ADHD can be comorbid. So can OCD and ADHD.

6) OCD - "What is O.C.D.? by Steven Phillipson, Ph.D.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder, first and foremost. It is not a thought disorder. " (from www.ocdonline.com (http://www.ocdonline.com/))

That is a good site. But I prefer the OCD Foundation where it does back up what you say, but also states that OCD is part of the brain not communicating with another part. I cannot remember which parts [ADD:D] But just go to the OCD Foundation and you will find it is as much a disorder as ADHD. It is not caused by stress, and can wreak havoc on family life as much as ADHD can.


7) From viewing many of the other posts in the Non-ADD Partner Support section, I can see that there are many spouses/partners out there who are feeling overwhelmed; common comments are about insensitivity, hurtful comments, feeling overwhelmed at having to do so much.

There are also many ADHD'ers who are overwhelmed by the opposite, so this is where we have to learn to be empathetic to ADHD'ers and Non ADHD'ers alike. There are two sides to this coin.

Finally - it may very well be that I am completely off base. If so, so be it. I have to say though, that I'd expected a little more warm fuzzies from a forum designed to be a support. Sorry to all I may have offended.

I think you are on to "something", but it may not be ADHD. You have not offended, so no need for apologies. There is a private forum where we that have ADHD cannot access, and perhaps in there you will receive more of what I think you are looking for. :)

Hi Rhapsody, :)

I've not asserted certitude that the spouses of Rose & Confused Wife have AD/HD, that "we" should diagnose them, or that AD/HD it is a simple dx. These women suspect that AD/HD may play a role in their spouse's behavior; I suggest that denial of an underlying cause might also.

Whether their spouses have AD/HD or anything else at all, the thrust of my comment concerns the gravity of denial itself, especially concerning chronic behavior or health issues. So long as either issue is present and not addressed or diagnosed, the risk of denial usurping therapeutic improvement exists. It my experience, denial and therapeutic improvement are virtually exclusive of each other.

Denial requires an enormous amount of energy and personal vesting. Some people defend it to their own peril, destroying relationships & alienating loved ones rather than admit the underlying problem.
GD~

Confused Wife,
I want to support your efforts in learning about the things that plague your husband. I'm confident that your questions & comment are all to that end:-)

Please do not stop posting & responding bc we are all apt to learn something from one another. Even if we disagree around here, we generally share the goal of learning more about AD/HD. Forum posts can leave something to be desired bc the medium is flat, and sometimes our communication suffers in transmission. You may be more comfortable posting in the private Non-ADD spouse forum.

Everyone has to start somewhere in the knowledge quest. The more knowledge you have about AD/HD (bipolar, whatever) when you/your hubby seeks help, the greater the chances for an accurate dx. Many professionals prefer the spouse's input when making the dx. All the information you gain may actually assist in ruling out AD/HD or something else! You just never know.
Very Best to You, GD

,WOW - When I chose to post a comment, looking for information and support, I sure didn't anticipate offending anyone or having my intentions questioned.

I have a couple comments to make;

1) As this area of the forums is for those non AD/HD partners to share their experiences I wonder if it's productive for those with the disorder to try to empathize. It would stand to reason that those with the disorder themselves might not recognize the behaviors in the same manner as those without it, who live around it. While I very well could be wrong in assuming this is partially responsible for behaviors in my husband, I wonder if those experiencing the disorder themselves are not partially blinded to how it affects others.

2) Regardless of whether my husband has it, or not, it is not my intention to trash anyone, including him. It's not my intent to put anyone on the defensive. If I am wrong in my analysis of his behaviors, that is fine. I am simply looking for a possible explanation for recurrent behaviors.

3) In past reading, I am under the impression that ADD and ADHD differ in the way they present themselves. ADDrs tend to be more sensitive and insecure, while ADHDrs tend to be more impulsive and aggressive. Those are perhaps wrong adjectives to use, but please refer to
www.ldpride.net/addsub-types.htm (http://www.ldpride.net/addsub-types.htm)

4) I know quite a bit about bipolar. It is possible husband is bipolar, but he doesn't suffer from depression. While his worker bee projects could be construed as mania, I doubt it.

5) Professional diagnosis are absolutely necessary, I agree. I am not trying to trivialize their importance. That is part of reason I am here - trying to gain knowledge. However, in regards to Tourette's, as such a visually obvious disorder, I think I am fairly certain. It has a high comorbidity rate with AD/HD and others around my husband have noticed these tics for years. As it does not get in way of his life or bother me, there's been no reason to deal with it.

6) OCD - "What is O.C.D.? by Steven Phillipson, Ph.D.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder, first and foremost. It is not a thought disorder. " (from www.ocdonline.com (http://www.ocdonline.com/))

7) From viewing many of the other posts in the Non-ADD Partner Support section, I can see that there are many spouses/partners out there who are feeling overwhelmed; common comments are about insensitivity, hurtful comments, feeling overwhelmed at having to do so much.

Finally - it may very well be that I am completely off base. If so, so be it. I have to say though, that I'd expected a little more warm fuzzies from a forum designed to be a support. Sorry to all I may have offended.

Just have to comment here my X of 18 years has all the horrible symptoms both Rose and CW write BUT he is definitely NOT ADD.

Now controlling, self-centered...don't get me started, but NOT ADD/HD.


I am totally the opposite of my X and have been dx'd bi-polar and ADD inattentive, go figure-- I was the one abused, I was the one who just sat here nodding to every single negative symptom you related about your hubby's, I felt like a doormat by the time I worked up the courage -for my children's sake- to end the abuse.


Take care both of you; don't get to the end of your ropes before you get help for YOU! You can only change yourselves and the future for your children.

Charlie,
Your experience is interesting to me. It reminds me of the things I have read/observed about AD/HD kids being frequently picked on.
Do you think there is a connection?
I have also read that "high maintenance" babies and children are more frequently abused by their parents.
Do you think there is a connection?
GD






Just have to comment here my X of 18 years has all the horrible symptoms both Rose and CW write BUT he is definitely NOT ADD.





Now controlling, self-centered...don't get me started, but NOT ADD/HD.


I am totally the opposite of my X and have been dx'd bi-polar and ADD inattentive, go figure-- I was the one abused, I was the one who just sat here nodding to every single negative symptom you related about your hubby's, I felt like a doormat by the time I worked up the courage -for my children's sake- to end the abuse.




Take care both of you; don't get to the end of your ropes before you get help for YOU! You can only change yourselves and the future for your children.

Hey GD,
don't know it was too long ago;)

Don't feel that I was picked on for anything other than always being the tallest in the class, all through grade school.

High maintenance baby not sure if I could be catagorized as that either. Grandma pretty much raised me until age 3 when I moved back with my mom and step-dad (abuser).

I felt like a pretty mellow, stable person until 18 yr relationship with X broke me.

My ADHD brother, very hyper grew up without being picked on also.

So guessing that what you post may be correct just not in our particular cases.

Charlie,
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me (us). Your strength to remove yourself and your children from an abusive situation is commendable, really an inspiration. :)
I don't know actually know how common it is for ADD kids to be picked on, but it is one of my pet peeves, so I brought it up:D . Good Luck to You & Your Kids Charlie!


Hey GD,
don't know it was too long ago;)

Don't feel that I was picked on for anything other than always being the tallest in the class, all through grade school.

High maintenance baby not sure if I could be catagorized as that either. Grandma pretty much raised me until age 3 when I moved back with my mom and step-dad (abuser).

I felt like a pretty mellow, stable person until 18 yr relationship with X broke me.

My ADHD brother, very hyper grew up without being picked on also.

So guessing that what you post may be correct just not in our particular cases.

You asked a very simple question here, Is it ADD/ADHD? My answer is YES TO VERY HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS. There are also signs of bipolar in your husband. For the AD/HD part go to Dr. Amen's website and take the test that is there. Take it as if you were him and see what happens. It sounds like the trick is going to be for you to get him diagnosed. He sounds like he will be uncooperative for that. I suspect your marriage counseling will not work or shows any signs of improvement until he gets a diagnosis and medication to help.

I am sure you did not want us to "diagnose" him, you just wanted us to give our opinion to what you already suspect. He has probably told you so many times that he is not that you are wondering if you are the one who is nuts and causing all the marital problems.

For you, were you diagnosed OCD? Are you saying the OCD came on due to the high stress you were experiencing?

Please be assured there are some out there in the world who do understand what you are going through.

I wholeheartedly agree with CW.

The question was 'Is it ADD/ADHD'

I don't think either of us were looking for a diagnosis, just some basic support.

I don't understand why people with ADHD can't be aggressive and controlling.

Maybe those that replied to the original post feel that because they themselves don't have a problem with these things, that all ADDer's are like you. I'm sorry i don't agree with that.

I understand that most people with ADD are generally passive but with ADHD it can be quite the opposite. Maybe it's due to frustration or maybe anxiety or both.

I am not trying to find a miracle cure for my husbands problems!!!
Please don't trivialise what it is like living with these men.

My husband is 48 yrs old,i am 46
We have been married for 27yrs
3 kid's, 2 daughter's 21 & 26 and a son of 19

He has a really terrible memory and that's not from getting older(his words) because he was like that when i met him.I have heard all the excuses over the years as to why he forgets things. Tired, stress at work,college etc, not feeling well. 9 times out of 10 forgets to flush the toilet. Can never find his phone, car keys, check book etc.

Always moving, finger tapping, toe tapping, knee bouncing. Even while he is typing away on the computer his foot is tapping. I have to say that the tapping and bouncing have lessened over the years. when first married i refused to sit on the sofa with him because his knee jiggling would drive me mad. Difficult to watch tv while your being bounced around.

To say he is disorganised is an understatement. Piles of papers everywhere(and i do mean everywhere) Never throws anything away. Every room in the house is full of his stuff, there is barely enough room to sit down. I'm extremely embarrassed about my home and don't invite anybody here anymore.

He is an engineer and extremely intelligent but seems to have little common sense when it comes to everyday stuff.
Has trouble getting stared on projects and when he does start them he never finishes them.

He has been hyperactive all his life according to his mother.
His eldest brother is also ADD i believe. He is 55 and works as a security guard on minimum wage, even though he is a qualified microbioligist.
Very even tempered, tends to get taken advantage of.
Talks non stop. He too is always moving. Never sits still for long always up and down and never seems to relax.
He did not marry until he was nearly fifty to a widow with grown children. She took him in as a lodger at the start because she felt sorry for him(her words)he wasn't paying his bills on time and was being threatened with eviction so she took him in. Well anyway they evenually got married. Never left his parents home until he was 44. MIL now seems happy that he has found someone to look after him.


I had thought that by this stage in my life(empty nest)that life would be more relaxed and laidback. I now realise that it never will be if i have to walk on eggshells whenever i'm around him. When he's hyper my stress levels go through the roof.

Regards

Rose

Hi Rhapsody, :)

Hi GD,

I've not asserted certitude that the spouses of Rose & Confused Wife have AD/HD, that "we" should diagnose them, or that AD/HD it is a simple dx. These women suspect that AD/HD may play a role in their spouse's behavior; I suggest that denial of an underlying cause might also.

Yes, I misunderstood your initial post. I can now see what you are saying. I totally agree that denial of "any" underlying cause is deadly. My bad for misreading your post! :)

Whether their spouses have AD/HD or anything else at all, the thrust of my comment concerns the gravity of denial itself, especially concerning chronic behavior or health issues. So long as either issue is present and not addressed or diagnosed, the risk of denial usurping therapeutic improvement exists. It my experience, denial and therapeutic improvement are virtually exclusive of each other.

Also agree. In actual fact, I fail to understand where denial can be of any benefit to either victim or sufferer. If the sufferer denies any problem exists, then they themselves cause greater suffering not only upong themselves, but upon a wife/husband they claim to love. We agree on this wholeheartedly. What would you suggest as a good way to bring people such as these out of denial?

Denial requires an enormous amount of energy and personal vesting. Some people defend it to their own peril, destroying relationships & alienating loved ones rather than admit the underlying problem.

True! But is their intent deliberate? I ask this only in your opinion, because I cannot relate to denial. I believe that knowledge is power over one's own progression through life.

Thank you for your reply!

GD~

I just want to add that I'm glad for those who do have ADD that come here to post. I think it's very helpful to me to learn about my DH and what he goes through, because sometimes he has a very, very hard time identifying what he's feeling or doing. But his actions are similar to a lot of the ADD posters here, and it helps me to understand!

We go in for an 'official' evaluation for him tonigh.. I'm nervous!

:D I too appreciate all of the different perspectives on the boards. Good luck at the doc's office! I hope you can let us know how it goes. Your dh is fortunate to have a spouse with him on this journey.

Why do you think your dh has a hard time identifying his feelings? Is this common for ADDers? I'm probably guilty of this, too, but could not say why.
GD


I just want to add that I'm glad for those who do have ADD that come here to post. I think it's very helpful to me to learn about my DH and what he goes through, because sometimes he has a very, very hard time identifying what he's feeling or doing. But his actions are similar to a lot of the ADD posters here, and it helps me to understand!

We go in for an 'official' evaluation for him tonigh.. I'm nervous!

'Why do you think your dh has a hard time identifying his feelings? Is this common for ADDers?'

It is something I have experienced with my add friend and I understand from my research it certainly is not unusual. More than that I can't say for sure.

Viktoria,
Is there a secret class that everyone else attended that explained how to be courageous and never succumb to denial? I missed that day!

I think that denial is seldom intentional, just a human defense mechanism that probably permits some us to function until we are ready to accept that which plagues us. My experience has been that denial is a rather natural progression in the process of mourning loss, in this case loss of "health" or "normalcy." From this perspective, denial could be an adaptive behavior, no?

Viktoria, if you cannot relate to denial, it would seem that you don't exploit it as a means to avoid threatening situations! Many of us do. It is difficult to see a loved one in denial about an important issue, and I wish I knew how to propel someone out of that place, but I've never become proficient at it. I have just used honest but gentle words (when the underlying issue is very important) and have had average success. One always risks the other's positive regard when broaching a denied issue, & that is frightening.

Of course if I am in denial, I WANT to be there (at least temporarily) and am using it as a means of insulating myself from something so back the heck off! I'll let people know when I have an epiphany.


GD:~)



Hi GD,

I've not asserted certitude that the spouses of Rose & Confused Wife have AD/HD, that "we" should diagnose them, or that AD/HD it is a simple dx. These women suspect that AD/HD may play a role in their spouse's behavior; I suggest that denial of an underlying cause might also.

Yes, I misunderstood your initial post. I can now see what you are saying. I totally agree that denial of "any" underlying cause is deadly. My bad for misreading your post! :)

Whether their spouses have AD/HD or anything else at all, the thrust of my comment concerns the gravity of denial itself, especially concerning chronic behavior or health issues. So long as either issue is present and not addressed or diagnosed, the risk of denial usurping therapeutic improvement exists. It my experience, denial and therapeutic improvement are virtually exclusive of each other.

Also agree. In actual fact, I fail to understand where denial can be of any benefit to either victim or sufferer. If the sufferer denies any problem exists, then they themselves cause greater suffering not only upong themselves, but upon a wife/husband they claim to love. We agree on this wholeheartedly. What would you suggest as a good way to bring people such as these out of denial?

Denial requires an enormous amount of energy and personal vesting. Some people defend it to their own peril, destroying relationships & alienating loved ones rather than admit the underlying problem.

True! But is their intent deliberate? I ask this only in your opinion, because I cannot relate to denial. I believe that knowledge is power over one's own progression through life.

Thank you for your reply!

GD~[/QUOTE]

Viktoria,
Is there a secret class that everyone else attended that explained how to be courageous and never succumb to denial? I missed that day!

Yes, there is a class. I only hope that everyone need not attend. It's no secret; it's called life experiences. The tough ones.

I think that denial is seldom intentional, just a human defense mechanism that probably permits some us to function until we are ready to accept that which plagues us. My experience has been that denial is a rather natural progression in the process of mourning loss, in this case loss of "health" or "normalcy." From this perspective, denial could be an adaptive behavior, no?

Generally, denial can be accepted as an adaptive behavior in terms of it temporarily allaying anxiety about problems, in this case, health problems. It can be healthy, and help protect the psych; but only for a time. The deadliest form of denial is a delusional type where the person refuses to face reality at all. So, my answer to the above is yes, an adaptive behavior; particularly when faced with loss, death, grieving.


Viktoria, if you cannot relate to denial, it would seem that you don't exploit it as a means to avoid threatening situations! Many of us do. It is difficult to see a loved one in denial about an important issue, and I wish I knew how to propel someone out of that place, but I've never become proficient at it. I have just used honest but gentle words (when the underlying issue is very important) and have had average success. One always risks the other's positive regard when broaching a denied issue, & that is frightening.

I know what you mean. I don't feel there is any way that we can propel another out of denial, as they are responding in the only way they feel that they can at that given and precise moment. It isn't that I can't relate to denial, it is more that I refuse denial for myself, but understand why others need it. I used to be the same way. To view a loved one in denial is an extremely painful process.

Of course if I am in denial, I WANT to be there (at least temporarily) and am using it as a means of insulating myself from something so back the heck off! I'll let people know when I have an epiphany.

Very True! But when you make a choice to be in denial temporarily, that is not necessarily a bad thing.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote many books which deal with denial in great detail.

~Viktoria

I just want to add that I'm glad for those who do have ADD that come here to post. I think it's very helpful to me to learn about my DH and what he goes through, because sometimes he has a very, very hard time identifying what he's feeling or doing. But his actions are similar to a lot of the ADD posters here, and it helps me to understand!

We go in for an 'official' evaluation for him tonigh.. I'm nervous!
Silver Moon, I hope that things went well for your husband and yourself. I wish you all the best:)

Yes, there is a class. I only hope that everyone need not attend. It's no secret; it's called life experiences. The tough ones.

Yet, isn't it because of those "classes" that we begin to understand who we are?
In those classes, I have learned how to live through and inspite of grief, joy, hard times, abandonment, depression, euphoria. I have acquired an ability to sit quietly beside my loved one and patiently wait.

My life experience has given me strength to know who I am and to accept it. I know my boundaries; where I begin and end. And with struggle, I can also say that I know what I will and will not accept from another person. Not always an easy task, yet, I have discovered, absolutely essential.

There are lessons that have not come with ease. Sometimes, I am lost in my head....I do not always express my inner feelings with ease. I'm sure that it must be difficult for those around me to understand. PLEASE BE PATIENT.

I hope that my loved one(s) will just sit with me. Besides, isn't this world a beautiful setting for a large, wonderful, all inclusive classroom.

Yes, there is a class. I only hope that everyone need not attend. It's no secret; it's called life experiences. The tough ones.

Yet, isn't it because of those "classes" that we begin to understand who we are?
In those classes, I have learned how to live through and inspite of grief, joy, hard times, abandonment, depression, euphoria. I have acquired an ability to sit quietly beside my loved one and patiently wait.

My life experience has given me strength to know who I am and to accept it. I know my boundaries; where I begin and end. And with struggle, I can also say that I know what I will and will not accept from another person. Not always an easy task, yet, I have discovered, absolutely essential.

There are lessons that have not come with ease. Sometimes, I am lost in my head....I do not always express my inner feelings with ease. I'm sure that it must be difficult for those around me to understand. PLEASE BE PATIENT.

I hope that my loved one(s) will just sit with me. Besides, isn't this world a beautiful setting for a large, wonderful, all inclusive classroom.Deeperblue, I don't think the "class" could be worded more beautifully than you have done. :)

The "class" is life. The "class" is death. The "class" is tragedy. The "class" is hope. The "class" is struggle.

Every person alive attends this "class". Who would want to miss it?

If the "class" is too traumatic, the bubble that encompasses the human mind is burst forever. Thereafter, there can be no denial. Those that have walked that path, are denied denial.

Deeperblue, I hope your world is a patient and kind one. ;)

and yet, the more trauma we experience, the more empathy we can show. It is up to each one of us to decide how we aproach others, inspite of our own personal frustation or anger or pain.

we are ALL responsible for our own behavior.

Denial... talking about denial. I used to live swamped in denial. I couldn't see my hand, figuratively, in front of my face. I was codependent and lived according to my feelings. Feelings which were horribly out of place and out of proportion. Today, denial scares me. And I do everything I possibly can to stay out of it. Denial only hurt me in the past, and can only hurt me again. It's the old addage.. what you don't know can't hurt you? But it's turned around, what you don't know can definetly ruin your life. I do understand that denial is there for a reason and allows humans to gently change, and not experience things that we cannot handle. However, in my history denial was only damaging.

Every chance I get I try to see every option. Keep my eyes and ears open. I try really, really hard, it's very important to me, and it frustrates the H*** out of me when my DH lives daily in denial, and doesn't even want to glimpse what is beyond it.

As for my appt, I'm going to post about it in the private forum. I was not very pleased. :(

Your husband sounds like he has full blown NPD. Look it up. I'm married to one. I am ADHD and codependent. These folks are like what termites are to a house for anyone with issues of their own. They wreak havok on healthy folks too (but those people usually run like hell when they get the first clues). Good luck.

:(Hi-I totally understand what you are talking about. My husband has never filed taxes correctly in 21 years of marriage-we owe thousands in penalties. He wants to pay bills, and can for awhile, but then stops paying them or I'll realize he's hidden them or thrown them away. He's contrary about being on time, and defensive about everything. Needless to say, it's made our marriage quite difficult over the years. I have baggage of my own, and fell for him telling me that all of this was my fault. As I get older, I realize I'm not to blame, but still can't figure out how to deal with this. I want to make my marrriage work, but don't think he would open up in counseling, even if I could get him to go. Any suggestions you or anyone else has on how to deal on this end would be so helpful

hello goodgirl an janeen wellcome an lovely to see your frist post here l,)))) good luck to you both x dorm