Ok, I'm 20 years old, soon to be 21, and I've been through a couple close relationships. I never really believed in ADHD for a long time, and considered this to be just a personality thing and I'd have to just find someone who would deal w/ it.

My last relationship was tumultuous to say the least. It lasted about 10-11 months, and was packed with drama, mainly coming from one side. She wanted lots of attention, and I preferred to stick to myself for the most part, and toss a almost uncaring attitude around. She frequently "attempted suicide," blatant cries for attention, showed me her scars, cried a lot, etc. I really wanted to be there for her, but it felt odd to let any real emotion out. Sure I SAID what should be said, but I didn't act it much. Eventually, I knew I couldn't handle it and ended the relationship. (She's now happily engaged to a great guy who deserves her).

This really isn't new, the few relationships I have are serious, and only encountered when I realize there is no risk of rejection. I really never approach the girl first, and work my way into a relationship from a friendship standpoint. This really irks me, and has made me realize that as I get older, the fewer choices of good girls I get, and their fading fast. I swore off relationships after my last relationship and have been relatively happy, until a girl I really like comes along, then I feel miserable. I always feel pretty distant, and prefer not to show much emotion, sarcasm takes it's place. I guess the topic I'd like to discuss is whether this is due to ADHD or perhaps it's just me being selfish. Since I'm very new to ADHD, and have yet to begin medication, I'm very curious if other men find they are having the same problems, and how they cope.

[Also: I thought this would be a better place than the "Relationships" forum, as that is in the Teen section]

33 yr old, married, ADDult (unmedicated) male here.

I feel your pain... or lack of it...

I don't know whether it's ADD, some sort of social disorder, or what, but I have always been in a love-hate relationship with women. When I was single, I tended to fall in "love" with someone and agonize over the fact that we weren't together. And almost all of the relationships I have gone on to have, I've felt disconnected emotionally... when you describe SAYING what you should be saying but not really feeling it, that rang very true with me. Mrs. Clam right now complains that I never want to be with her, always want to be alone... and I feel like she is very demonstrative and affectionate, and also very emotional, and I feel like a Vulcan in comparison...

We're working through our issues and finding ways to work together. I don't know if I have a lot of advice for you, except that 1. progress is possible, so don't give up hope, and 2. you're SMART to not have stayed with that overly emotional woman. Have confidence in your instincts and judgement that that relationship wasn't a good idea for you. People like you and me should never commit to someone whose life is full of drama... let some guy who thrives on it take care of them, because they will most likely NOT change over time, and if they do, there's no guarantee it will be for the better.

I believe there ARE women out there who need their space too, and can respect yours. Hold out for one of them. It may seem like all the good women are being "snapped up" but remember that relationships and marriages don't last forever, there will always be more of them pouring back into the "market" as time goes by to replace the ones disappearing from it.

First; I'll agree with the clam; you made the right choice for both of you in ending that relationship. Not everyone is compatible with everyone else, and that seemed like a bad matchup.

That said; I'm a 27 year old married ADD male, currently diagnosed only by a counselor but undergoing psychiatric testing. However, ADD fits me so disturbingly well, and more so the more I read, that I'm convinced. But I'm unmedicated.

And my wife and I, we have problems. With intimacy. It's not going to break us up, because we have deeper feelings she knows are there beneath the surface, but it's difficult. I have trouble showing (not feeling, necessarily) empathy for her, and I have problems jump-starting myself in, *ahem*, intimate situations (an issue I shan't go into further, since there's a Private Adult Relationships board for it).

As for your age; honestly, don't worry about it. I didn't meet my wife until I was 22, and we were the first among either of our groups of friends to marry. At your age, I hadn't even dated a great deal. It's definitely possible to find a good gal, and what you'll probably start finding soon is that instead of all the 'good girls' being taken, the 'bad girls who seem good' will start marrying off young to people who didn't see through them. And there will be a growing percentage of girls who are trying to find Mr. Right, and opposed to Mr. Good Enough, and will be just as worried as you are about finding a partner, since they've been seeing all the 'good guys' get snapped up, leaving them as little options as you have. It'll happen, just give it time.

Wow, the more I am in these forums the more amazed I am that many of us feel the same. I am very standoffish with my wife. I do not express much emotion at all. Sometimes it is almost like I am an impartial spectator. Sometimes I feel something but it never makes it to the surface. I think my wife wishes it were different but it isn't causing us much of a major problem as she just accepts that is the way I am.

Just finished reading a very interesting article in UTNE Magazine. They've dedicated the current issue to the subject of Intimacy. The article I found of most interest, is in the evolution of thoughts on marriage.

The author pointed out that when they were younger. Generally you started dating by 16, and by graduation time the girls were showing off their rings...having made a commitment to "Mr. Good Enough" vs. "Mr. SuperRelationship"

Most interesting point of the writer is that the type of intimacy sought for today, and the standards of infatuation are doomed to fail. Being infatuation for any relationship, inevitably ends. Perhaps if one is interested in pursuing the partnership of marriage. One if much better off seeking out Mr. or Mrs. Good Enough? While allowing for the fuller expressions of another's individuality to develop. People change so much going from their twenties, to thirties to forties, etc. Perhaps a commited parter is more valuable for the long haul, than an elusive soul mate?

It sort of answered the question of how my parents generation differed.

OOPS, I just realized that this is the Men's area. I will post here, but don't know if I should?

NotKnow posted about being "stand-offish," & I've been struggling to understand how this relates to ADD. I have thought that this impartial-spectator phenomenon was an ADD issue, but I still do not know. Is it? Please indulge me in this litany of elementary questions, and thanks.


Could NotNow (or someone) explain "not expressing" emotion?
Does this mean that some ADDers feel emotions but do not care to express them?
Does this mean that they cannot express them?
Do ADDers feel less emotion than nonADDers?
Should this lack of expression be accepted as a mere difference or something to be "fixed?"
I am very standoffish with my wife. I do not express much emotion at all. Sometimes it is almost like I am an impartial spectator. Sometimes I feel something but it never makes it to the surface.

I think my wife wishes it were different but it isn't causing us much of a major problem as she just accepts that is the way I am.[/QUOTE]Awww, sweet lady. Wow, the more I am in these forums the more amazed I am that many of us feel the same. I am very standoffish with my wife. I do not express much emotion at all. Sometimes it is almost like I am an impartial spectator. Sometimes I feel something but it never makes it to the surface. I think my wife wishes it were different but it isn't causing us much of a major problem as she just accepts that is the way I am.

SliPpy,
Would you post the date, author, etc of that Utne article on intimacy? It sounds interesting. Thx, GD

Better yet, I'll post the link. :)

http://www.utne.com/pub/2004_126/promo/11436-1.html

It's very difficult to explain what I mean by little/no emotion. Sometimes I do feel like I could really care less, and am more concerned about the things I deem immediately more important. But sometimes it is that I don't want to show it (Which is a typical male thing, so this is less important I think). I'm not really sure how it would be connected to ADD either, I just get this wierd feeling sometimes when it's time to be close, and I'd rather do something more productive/important/or self-serving. It sounds wierd, but I suppose that would be how I would explain how I feel.

:) Ancail83,
Your explaination about little/no emotion does not sound "weird" at all. I have heard similar comments from other ADDers and non-ADD spouses, so I am apt to think that it is connected...I just don't know the WHY of it. Thanks for replying!
GD

It's very difficult to explain what I mean by little/no emotion. Sometimes I do feel like I could really care less, and am more concerned about the things I deem immediately more important. But sometimes it is that I don't want to show it (Which is a typical male thing, so this is less important I think). I'm not really sure how it would be connected to ADD either, I just get this wierd feeling sometimes when it's time to be close, and I'd rather do something more productive/important/or self-serving. It sounds wierd, but I suppose that would be how I would explain how I feel.

hmmm...I'm starting to wonder if Intimacy, is to the 00's...as Foreplay was to the 70's?

Roger that, sLiPpy. See the Utne article . . . heee heee:D



hmmm...I'm starting to wonder if Intimacy, is to the 00's...as Foreplay was to the 70's?

Re: emotional shutdown, here's my 2 cents.

1. Sometimes, I genuinely don't care. Sometimes I feel bad about that, because other people are getting upset about things or I feel like society says that I should be upset or happy or otherwise emotionally involved in a given subject, but other times it just doesn't bother me.

2. Many times, it just doesn't make any SENSE for me to be emotionally involved in something. One constant battle I have with Mrs. Clam is that she is a terminal worrywart, whereas I almost NEVER worry about something. It makes her very angry sometimes when say, for example, Clam Jr. is half an hour late coming home and she's freaking out and I'm completely unconcerned. She doesn't feel like I care about either of the two of them, whereas to me, I just don't see any point in freaking out about the situation, the danger isn't as great as she seems to think it is, and even if there was a danger, how is freaking out going to make it any less?

3. I have to admit there is SOME fear of intimacy, although I strive to overcome this in myself. The fact of the matter is, I believe there are things about most/many guys in this world that women just can't accept without being offended or hurt. To any women reading this thread, firstly, I don't mind you doing so, but secondly, this point is your fault I believe... not you personally, of course, but the fault of many/most women. I've met individual women who can accept men as they are, but I think the sex as a whole has a long way to go, the same way that many men still need to evolve in terms of respecting women as equals.

I guess I got lucky. I am the ADDer in this relationship. We've been married for 21 (or was that 210?) years. My husband and I agreed from the very beginning that public displays of affection were tacky, as were little pet names, and anything mushy. Valentines day cards and the like have always been the humorous type.

My ADD daughter is the one who gets upset because I don't like to hug -- but I'm learning. I find it easy with my hubby, who puts up with whatever mood I'm in - but then again, I let him do his thing when he wants to, also.....

And as for that "soulmate" stuff - what exactly is that? I never felt he was my soulmate, but we understood each other to the point of finishing each other's sentences. As my sis-in-law explained it early on: you can be equally happy in a relationship with any number of people; they all require understanding and some work to remain happy relationships.

As to Clam's #3 ^ I have to force myself to overcome that fear as well.

pardon the ramble.

Same problem with Clam Jr. here. It's a problem when he's feeling snuggly and I'm not... how to keep him from attaching himself to me without hurting his feelings? Or do I just try to grin and bear it?

So far I'm trying to aim for a balance of the two.

Not intending to hijack this thread, but I posted this in the Relationship forum earlier, and it seems to fit in here as well. My undiagnosed ADD wife wrote this to me yesterday. "I love the family time. I love spending time with you. But it's like I'm a stick shift with only 3 gears. At a certain point, I can't shift into the needed gear to get things really moving. I can't find it within myself to rev the engine. Does that make sense? It's so damned frustrating."

Mike

Re: emotional shutdown, here's my 2 cents.

1. Sometimes, I genuinely don't care. Sometimes I feel bad about that, because other people are getting upset about things or I feel like society says that I should be upset or happy or otherwise emotionally involved in a given subject, but other times it just doesn't bother me.

2. Many times, it just doesn't make any SENSE for me to be emotionally involved in something. One constant battle I have with Mrs. Clam is that she is a terminal worrywart, whereas I almost NEVER worry about something. It makes her very angry sometimes when say, for example, Clam Jr. is half an hour late coming home and she's freaking out and I'm completely unconcerned. She doesn't feel like I care about either of the two of them, whereas to me, I just don't see any point in freaking out about the situation, the danger isn't as great as she seems to think it is, and even if there was a danger, how is freaking out going to make it any less?

It's spooky how much that mirrors me. I really thought it was just my personality and I was just being really selfish.

Brief ponder about child snuggles.
When my son was little I could handle any amount of snuggles. They were all real snuggles.
Now at 13 I can handle "genuine" snuggles, but not snuggles that are because he wants something like to be driven somewhere, or to be sucky after beiing in trouble. That kind of snuggle I want nothing to do with.
Kinda odd. Or not I guess.

[QUOTE=Alex]And my wife and I, we have problems. With intimacy. It's not going to break us up, because we have deeper feelings she knows are there beneath the surface, but it's difficult. I have trouble showing (not feeling, necessarily) empathy for her, and I have problems jump-starting myself in, *ahem*, intimate situations (an issue I shan't go into further, since there's a Private Adult Relationships board for it).

~May I delicately attempt discussion? Is there any way around this problem? This is an issue for me and my partner too. It is easier for a woman I guess, but my husband knows when I am not connected to the situation.
It would be better if I could figure out a way around the blockage... It isn't that I don't want to, just that sometimes the fire won't light and then it just seems... irritating.
He finds this hurtful which is not my intention.:(

As for everyday touching, I find the same with him as with the kids. If it is a genuine cuddle, just affectionate and nothing else then I am fine with it, love it in fact, more the better.
But if he wants to give me a a hug because he is wanting me to do something for him, like run errands; or because he knows I am mad and he is trying to get me over it I just don't want anything to do with it. Just want to shake it off. Grrrrr!

She frequently "attempted suicide," blatant cries for attention, showed me her scars, cried a lot, etc. I really wanted to be there for her, but it felt odd to let any real emotion out.

Hope you all don't mind me posting in the men's area - this just really bothered me to read . . .

Acnnail83 - this is NOT your fault. Attempting suicide is the absolute worst thing to do in a relationship. Not knowing how to react is completely understandable - and really, there is nothing you could possibly do to help her (other than taking her to a therapist). You ex girlfriend had serious issues that probably had little to do with you.

I just wanted to point that out - relationships are a two way street and ADHD is not the only thing that has an impact on them.

- just my 2 cents from a female perspective

I'm in the same boat, It's like be born blind and someone trying to explain the colors of the rainbow or watching the movie "Fantasia" and describing it to them.
Why is this piece missing or better yet how can we obtain,embrace and experience this?
So that we would not feel so (Fill in blank) :confused:

Wow, all of your responses have described me in some form. I fall in love easily then lose interest or just don't care. I've recently ended a year long relationship with the girl I thought I was going to marry. I've since found out that she was not the girl for me, she didn't understand my mood swings nor did she want to. I too have felt that need for constant companionship but when I have it I get bored and aggravated. It's a no win situation with me.

My wife and I have been married for almost ten years, we had been together for about two years before that. I love my wife dearly and don't know what I would do without her. I do think she should have some kind of award for what she goes thru having an adhd husband and adhd son. However we grew up with very different lifestyles.

1) She grew up with very affectionate parents and family. To me they are very touchy feely. Her parents have been married for like 30 years. I must add that I get along with her family great and care a lot about them.

2) I grew up with a distant family. My parents split when I was seven. My parents and sibilings have never been touchy feely. My mother has seemed to have some resintment toward me most of my life, I believe it has to do with the hardships she went thru because I was sick alot when I was very young. She did have to misout on a lot of things in life due to me being in the hospital all the time with asthma and other breathing complications.

My father for most of my life physicaly and mentaly abused me. I can remember him telling me I couldn't be his son because his kids were not sick all the time like I was. I will not bore you anymore with those details.

I'm sure that my upbringing has a lot to do with my inability to show an abundancy of emotions. Now I am thinking that the adhd may add to it.

It does cause some of a hard ship in my marrige. As I said I love my wife dearly, but I'm not good at showing it every day. This often causes her to have doubts. When somethings on my mind I don't sit and talk to her about it, I just sit and think about it. I'm not sure how to take care of this problem. Not sure if it should be with me needing to work on being more affectionate. Her being more understanding or what.

I don't speak from experience, but I doubt it's the ADHD that's directly causing lapses in intimacy... I mean, ADHD doesn't make us less emotional than the rest of the people out there. There are plenty of people in dysfunctional relationships who don't have ADHD - IIRC, somewhere around %80 of divorces are caused by lack of healthy sex lives.

Perhaps all of you who have issues with intimacy should look into your childhood experiences with parents and other important people? I do have ADHD, but I was emotionally abused by a female authoritative figure as well, and I'm fairly sure that has had some major consequences on my outlook on females and relationships.

Originally Posted by waywardclam
Re: emotional shutdown, here's my 2 cents.

1. Sometimes, I genuinely don't care. Sometimes I feel bad about that, because other people are getting upset about things or I feel like society says that I should be upset or happy or otherwise emotionally involved in a given subject, but other times it just doesn't bother me.

2. Many times, it just doesn't make any SENSE for me to be emotionally involved in something. One constant battle I have with Mrs. Clam is that she is a terminal worrywart, whereas I almost NEVER worry about something. It makes her very angry sometimes when say, for example, Clam Jr. is half an hour late coming home and she's freaking out and I'm completely unconcerned. She doesn't feel like I care about either of the two of them, whereas to me, I just don't see any point in freaking out about the situation, the danger isn't as great as she seems to think it is, and even if there was a danger, how is freaking out going to make it any less?


yep ,thats me ,have had biiiiig complaints about that one-was made to feel as if I was defective and wonderered what if ,does this mean this is an adhd thing ?

Again the forum is serving it's purpose by bringing those of us with like behavioral and thinking patterns together. That said, I'm happy to read that so many act as I act so much of the time. I'm not pleased with the distress of others, I'm just relieved not to be alone. I actually asked my psychologist if she thought me misogynystic just a couple of weeks ago.

In my case, I worked in the entertainment industry with lovely, relatively unclothed women for 20 years. I've seen and heard it all. I know the truths of the dressing room backstage. Yet, I'm supposed to pretend that I don't know things going on around me. I don't see balance in dating, relationships, and marriage.

It's so much work and effort to maintain any assemblance of a relationship. Also, a very, very high percentage of married/engaged/seriously dating people I know live by the "When the Cat's Away" rule. The thirty mile rule seems in full force as well. With so many adhering to what I perceive as little or no moral character, why should I think someone I date should be any different. The odds definitely are not with me on this dice roll. I don't get any thrill out of chasing a woman just to get laid at all! Now, women are out chasing men for wanton sex as soon as hubby's car door closes in just as many numbers as men chasing women. What do they get besides a nice chance for divorce, family trauma, disease, increased stress, and a 30 minute tumble?

I'm thinking this is one of those times I'm happy to have ADHD, as I don't want to see things through the eyes of the social and moral majority.

LD

Again the forum is serving it's purpose by bringing those of us with like behavioral and thinking patterns together. That said, I'm happy to read that so many act as I act so much of the time. I'm not pleased with the distress of others, I'm just relieved not to be alone. I actually asked my psychologist if she thought me misogynystic just a couple of weeks ago.

In my case, I worked in the entertainment industry with lovely, relatively unclothed women for 20 years. I've seen and heard it all. I know the truths of the dressing room backstage. Yet, I'm supposed to pretend that I don't know things going on around me. I don't see balance in dating, relationships, and marriage.

It's so much work and effort to maintain any assemblance of a relationship. Also, a very, very high percentage of married/engaged/seriously dating people I know live by the "When the Cat's Away" rule. The thirty mile rule seems in full force as well. With so many adhering to what I perceive as little or no moral character, why should I think someone I date should be any different. The odds definitely are not with me on this dice roll. I don't get any thrill out of chasing a woman just to get laid at all! Now, women are out chasing men for wanton sex as soon as hubby's car door closes in just as many numbers as men chasing women. What do they get besides a nice chance for divorce, family trauma, disease, increased stress, and a 30 minute tumble?

I'm thinking this is one of those times I'm happy to have ADHD, as I don't want to see things through the eyes of the social and moral majority.

LD

Zippy,

Not everyone who works onstage behaves as you describe!

Not every woman plays around on her partner once he's out the door. And I doubt that every man does this either.

My morals and ethics are extremely high, and I live by them. I deplore what you describe, and yes, it does happen. But please? Not everyone is as you describe.

Viktoria

Zippy,

Not everyone who works onstage behaves as you describe!

Not every woman plays around on her partner once he's out the door. And I doubt that every man does this either.

My morals and ethics are extremely high, and I live by them. I deplore what you describe, and yes, it does happen. But please? Not everyone is as you describe.

Viktoria
Don't freak.....I'm not how I described. It wasn't meant as a personal attack on anybody but rather a coincidental observation.

The noting of the entertainment business was not directed at entertainers either. My point was to establish involvement fairly equally with men and women when discussing issues only confided to those in the "inner circle" of friends.

I looked back over my original statement and don't see the how one could take direct offense. The writings were simply a compilation of what I perceive as popular social skills and standards required for today's dating world.

Viktoria, I didn't mean to hurt you or insult you, and definitely directed nothing in your direction on my post. Please re-read the post. It's obvious you're upset at me as you used words directly charactarizing me, as well as yourself seven times in what amounts essentially to four sentences. I don't think you'll find such numbers in the initial paragraphs I wrote.

Finally, I try to stay wary of general, broad sweeping statements so as not to unintentionally offend. Stating my personal opinion as seen through my eyes, may seem to be a blanket judgement. It is not. As a person in the public eye, I've endured more than my share of articles in print directed at me with one purpose. Again, I get the unique opportunity of seeing things from both sides of the fence.

Larry-Dale

Don't freak.....I'm not how I described. It wasn't meant as a personal attack on anybody but rather a coincidental observation.
Zippy, sorry, I didn't "freak". It must be my shocking English lets me down sometimes. Apologies to you that I appeared "freaked".


The noting of the entertainment business was not directed at entertainers either. My point was to establish involvement fairly equally with men and women when discussing issues only confided to those in the "inner circle" of friends.

Ok, I did read your post wrongly, but being honest, I wasn't upset. My apologies for not reading what you wrote in correct context. Posting when tired is not a good idea!

I looked back over my original statement and don't see the how one could take direct offense. The writings were simply a compilation of what I perceive as popular social skills and standards required for today's dating world.
I agree with you. I don't like the standards of today. I deplore them, but your observations are correct.

Viktoria, I didn't mean to hurt you or insult you, and definitely directed nothing in your direction on my post. Please re-read the post. It's obvious you're upset at me as you used words directly charactarizing me, as well as yourself seven times in what amounts essentially to four sentences. I don't think you'll find such numbers in the initial paragraphs I wrote.

Zippy, I wasn't personally insulted, and neither did I feel it. English is not a good language for me, and sometimes I suffer finger on keyboard. Clearly I misunderstood, yes, but I at no time thought it was personal to me. I am far too used to reading things on the net to get upset by a post. I am sincerely sorry my post came over as it did. There was no intent for it to do so. My own post looks rather abrupt to me, but my own posts often do. Grrrrrrrrr......! But, abrupt? I'm nowhere near abrupt in thinking.

Finally, I try to stay wary of general, broad sweeping statements so as not to unintentionally offend. Stating my personal opinion as seen through my eyes, may seem to be a blanket judgement. It is not. As a person in the public eye, I've endured more than my share of articles in print directed at me with one purpose. Again, I get the unique opportunity of seeing things from both sides of the fence.

It did seem to be a blanket statement, but I did not take it that you were trying to offend.
You too huh? Nice to meet someone else who has been on the end of "you know what I mean" ;)

Zippy, please accept my sincere apology.

~Viktoria

Sweet! I'm glad all is well once again here in ElectricLarryLand.

I personally think you write exceptionally well in English. In comparison to many here in north Texas, you are an English scholar. Seriously, one would never know English is not your primary language.

I'm off to work. I'll chat with ya'll later today.

Larry-Dale

I am 33 and have been married for 5 years. The intimacy in my marriage has suffered because my wife has been so frustrated with my addism's that it is difficult for her to be intimate when she is hurt or frustrated. I was just diagnosed and am very new also but I think it will get better. For women, intimacy is much more emotional than for men. If a women is frustrated or hurt or feels like we don't care about them it is harder for them to be intimate. For us, we are more visually and physically driven. I guess what I'm saying is that if there are problems with intimacy one of the reasons is that maybe she is frustrated with our addism's. If a woman is happy and feels loved and cared for, it is easier for them. Does any of that make sense to anyone?

" if a woman is happy and feels loved and cared for"

I think you are very spot on with that.

I wonderer if I'll ever be able to express intimacy past the lust phase ,it's almost painful for me

It gets easier as we learn. The drive is hard to over come but it's doable. Intimacy and sex don't always mean the same thing though. Lust and intimacy don't inhabit the same space very well for me.

Care to open up the convo some William?
Ian.

I'm mostly sure I love my fiancee, but I sometimes question the word "love" itself. Sometimes I feel aweful for the fact that sometimes right after an arguement or disagreement I can just automatically want to switch to "sex mode" as if nothing happened. For the most part, our relationship is not about sex, it is about caring and helping each other. I'm just more comfortable with using physical intimacy to erase disagreements. As of late, I wonder if she has ADD. I'm trying to work and get her tested, but it's hard (she lives in Canada... I'm from the States:( ) Whereas, I use intimacy to erase... she is sometimes averted to intimacy. It is something we are working on.

If anyone has advice please share.

It's nearly impossible to FEEL genuine emotion for childish dramatic attention seeking "Love" involving "suicide attempts". When I read your post, particularly this part, a shiver ran up my spine and I thought to myself "If only I'd ran the hell away like he did":

It lasted about 10-11 months, and was packed with drama, mainly coming from one side. She wanted lots of attention, and I preferred to stick to myself for the most part, and toss a almost uncaring attitude around. She frequently "attempted suicide," blatant cries for attention, showed me her scars, cried a lot, etc. I really wanted to be there for her, but it felt odd to let any real emotion out. Sure I SAID what should be said, but I didn't act it much. Eventually, I knew I couldn't handle it and ended the relationship. (She's now happily engaged to a great guy who deserves her).

You dodged a bullet called Borderline Personality Disorder (URL removed by Admin) and should be VERY pleased with yourself that you resisted her emtional blackmail and did not get get sucked into her drama filled fantasy world as her manservant and audience. I "chose poorly" and have spent a decade trying to fix/please and feel the pain of a person without real emotions who has admitted to only having two feelings - anxiety and anger. Feeling awkward and strange for not biting at her bait sure beats divorcing her 12 drama filled years and three traumatized children later, GOOD JOB:)

I only have found intimacy in relationships with ADD women. I simply do not connect with linear women. With other ADDers, I feel a connection. I cannot tell where I end and they begin. I do not even need to have sex to feel amazing intimacy with an emotionally healthy non-linear woman. I have learned that I need to let go in order to feel this powerful transcendence into another person. That means living in the moment and not worrying about whether she is with other men (or women) when she is not with me. I just enjoy what I have in that moment. (How long is a moment? 2 seconds… a lifetime…it can be any length of time) I have learned to take responsibility for my feelings. I really enjoy love. I like falling in love. The passion is amazing!



I wish I could connect with more linear women. I try every so often but I am often too tired to expend that energy and most women will not try to understand me. In the linear world, I often hear “be yourself”. I am myself to such an extent that it scares people. ADD women are attracted to me, although sometimes overwhelmed. I feel real love from them even if we are not partnered.



With linear women, I end up hyper focusing on them. This looks like being “in love” in the best case and “obsessive” in the worst. I don’t feel the strong hyper-focus with ADD women… Just comfort.



Really strange… I think (you may have read my posts on referencing and the ADD rant) that ADD is actually a type of hyper-contextual cognition. It would only natural that we would be drawn to people who share this.

Hey Clam,
Vero here. Been awhile I know. I got a little lost in my life for a few months. It happens. I just wanted to tell you I always get the greatest insight from your posts. I am a 29 yr old woman - ADD, my boyfriend also has ADD and my father (undiagnosed) has it as well.

My dad was a workaholic - he could have been much worse things. But he was always very unemotional and not very affectionate. Especially with my mother I notice now. He'd give her a peck on the cheek or something but they were never "cuddly" parents.

My boyfriend can be the same way sometimes. He's pretty good at the cuddling thing - which us girls just need. But I find with him if we have an arguement it's always very one-sided. He usually won't say anything and has a look like a deer caught in headlights. He once told me that he is afraid he will say something dumb. I personally would rather him say something "dumb" than nothing at all. It can be really frustrating. Sometimes communication with him is very difficult. But I ususally find if he has something to say to me he will say it in his own time.

Anyway, that was a little long and rambling, but I just wanted to thank all you guys for posting. It helps us girls who have ADD men in our lives to relate.

I don't think this problem with intimacy and relating is only a guy thing. My daughter is ADD and, most probably, Asperger's. I spent her entire childhood trying to understand her and taking her emotional temperature and being supportive. Sometimes, she all but yawned in my face.

I have a feeling she is going to end up married to some guy who miserably spends half his time saying: "What are you feeling honey. Give me some feedback. Are we okay? Do you really love me. Tell me what you think . . ."

Poor guy. I feel sorry for him already. :)

Im just turned 21 myself so were about the same age. In highschool i was so happy loved life and always had relationships but there was always something missing. Once i graduated highschool i got really depressed and missed my old life. I started useing hard drugs and got in a really bad place for about a year and a half. Once i finally cleaned up my act i had to get to the root of my problem. I wasnt useing hard drugs just to get high i was useing them to be happay and feel good about myself. Its called self medicateing. Its one of the main reasons people ruine there life to drugs. Once i got my act back together i got my add. meds i felt like a kid again. I felt like i did back in highschool. My motivation came back i was sociable again and not feeling down in the dumps all the time. If you dont treat your add it can lead to bad things that can ruine your life or even end it. I have had to many bad experiences that i would rather not talk about. If i had my problem treated earlier i feell that i never would have made those mistakes. I wish the beast of luck to you if you have any question or any thing i can help you with get back to me. Good Luck and remember your not alone its a very common thing to have. Cya JC

I am new to the forum. I am a female on ADD meds. I believe my partner to be ADD and despite my pleas he will not educate himself or get on the meds.

We are about to break up after 6 years together. I will not go into all the details of what triggered my decision that I had given more than I was getting in the emotional area, and his behavior was finally evidently causing an intolerable amount of painf ro me, which is not the case with men who are on a more conscious path.

The sad thing is, we had both wanted to be together for life. It is all about the lack of ability to deal with emotions, his self-focus, impulsivity, need for immediate gratification and lack of ability to keep attention on another person, and blaming others instead of looking inside himself and seeing what contribution HE makes to problems in work and intimate relationships. With all due respect, I highly recommend the book "ADD and Romance" to the men here, if you desire a quality love relationship in your life.

I wish someone had "miracle words" or actions for me, which could save this relationship. I dated an ADD man ten years ago. We had coffee last week. He is now married to a psychotherapist, and takes his meds now. He heard my story and with great sadness took my hands in his, asked me if it had been painful for me when we were dating. He admitted that with the women he loved (two prior failed marriages) it was "out of sight out of mind" and when he traveled for business, he'd just "forget" to call and say good-bye. And when he wanted to see me, it was always spur-of-the-moment. With sex, after the inital exciting proving how great a lover he was, and then it was time to more consciously love a woman, he'd fall asleep sooner and sooner after he was "done". I believe this is all part of the ADD.

Then he apologized to me for hurting me. It was a very intimate moment. He is a different man now. We felt very close at that moment.

Now, must I leave the one I have been with now? Must he have numerous more screw-ups before he "gets" it that the problem is mainly HIM? He is aware that he "is not interested" in meeting my needs . . . and doesn't understand it, but, oh well, he's got to get back to work now. And so it goes.

I am new to the forum. I am a female on ADD meds. I believe my partner to be ADD and despite my pleas he will not educate himself or get on the meds


Knowing yourself is the paramount thing with ADD. This can be a problem with 2 ADD partners if one is unacknowledged. To a certain degree we all buy in to what society tells us about relationships.

ADD really does force a person to template relationships differently.. It is very hard to even bridge the for 2 non-ADD people. It can be really different to bridge that gap between non-ADD and ADD or 2 ADDers. I feel it really comes down to understanding what YOU can do in a relationship + what HE can do. You guys just may not be fit for the pair bond that you are trying to create. You cannot fit round pegs (Your own understandings of relationships) into square holes (how society tells us we should understand relationships).

First is your goal "to be together for forever" OR to "love each other for forever"? By letting go and finding out what is mutually best (how the relationship can work best for both of you), you may be able to salvage a friendship.

Friendship is a wonderful thing! Do not underestimate the power and beauty of that. Disney and Hollywood love to show pair bonds only... is if that should be the only goal in a relationship. I say friendship and love are the true goals...

The expectations of today are the resentments of tomorrow.

And so it goes.
You like Vonnegut too? :)

Could NotNow (or someone) explain "not expressing" emotion?

Does this mean that some ADDers feel emotions but do not care to express them?
Does this mean that they cannot express them?
Do ADDers feel less emotion than nonADDers?
Should this lack of expression be accepted as a mere difference or something to be "fixed?"
Not expressing emotion for me- When I feel something, I know I should express it, but inevitably do not.

It's not that I don't care. When I was younger I could express emotions much easier. A lot of people didn't/don't know what to do with it all though, and that ended up getting me hurt. This caused me to express my emotions to a lesser degree. Another part for me though, is that I haven't been sure how to express my emotions properly, or whether those emotions were the correct ones to be expressing. So rather than risk failure or rejection, I keep it to myself. Unfortunately, this is bad. My wife and I seperated in Jan (I didn't know about ADD), and from where I'm sitting it doesn't look good...

I think people with ADD feel more emotion than those who do not. However, with skewed perceptions we may not always feel the most appropriate emotions for the situation. I feel like I'm more emotional than 99% of the people I know, but then again, I'm also a Scorpio. :)

It's a difference but I'm sure there are things that could help many of us. Self-Esteem, trust, patience, communication. Basically a lot of things I wish I had more of about 6 months ago.

apexGrin,
I too am in the seperation boat and from where I sit ,it looks as if it is over .this is not what I want ,we have two small children ,boys and they are my world .I,ve known I was add since childhood though was unmedicated since my father took me off of it a few years after diagnosis .I guess I should say that I never quite knew how much of a problem it was till listening to her and reading this forum .I was never that eloquent a speaker though through the voices of many ,I have gotton a good grasp of what my errors were .

Will, my wife and I have been married 23 years with 3 son's. Shortly after getting married we began to have problems. Our Pastor asked if there was anything he could do. SO we began counceling. We went 1.5 years 1 time a week seperate and then for a year together once a week. After which he said we were at a resonable arguing level. Allot of our problems stemed from my self centerness and I had to change from being a very independent artist to someone who could care for someone else. We decided to ellimate Devorice from the vocabulary and work at it. Open talks are what helps. Love is more than sex. And the body will age. We have become good friends who love each other but that dosn't mean we don't have are differences. SHe is a Speacel Education teacher who deals with ADHD'ers all day long and then she needs to deal with me. Not hardly. She would rather see me spend my time being busy doing what ever I do and help out with the home chores and stay out of her way. She is constanly moving , working and trying to make things work for the family. I am relaxed and calm , she calls it passive agressive. Being intamate is there when all is done. As you get older and work, yes work at a relationship you will come to understand that. Some of the closest times we have is after a blow out of one of the boys and then we come together as one to deal with the family problem. She feels close to me when I connect with her on family matters. Even through we are both strong Christians and our son's were raised in church we very realy talk about our faith to each other unless a subject arives deeming it nessary.
. With this being said, she came and so did I from a whole family unit and loving parrents. I went into drugs for 8 years durring the service and college and a few years after words and she was a 4.0 colege grad. Stright arrow so to speek. I like to date allot of girls and go to parties and late night skinny dipping, travel the country painting pictures and having no clue of what I wanted to do with my life, while she spent her time studing and spending time with her close friends. When we meet I was 29 she was 25 and we were married in 6 months.
. Getting close is easy to do, just be honest about who you are and if your not received move on, there are more than one fish is the sea. I think that many guys who have a hard time with relationships bring it on themselves. They don't find out who they are 1st. With out knowing that how can one have an intamate relationship with someone else?

I can not speak for anybody else, but...

I feel emotions and will express them only to people I fully trust. Everyone else is viewed as "potentially dangerous" and I tend to keep my innermost feelings to myself.
Since I tend to keep to myself, this means there are few people whom I feel safe enough with to express my feelings to.

It does not mean that I can not express myself. It means that I feel it is not safe for me to express myself to some people.

I have very intense and passionate emotions. But my emotions have been tempered by my experiences with ADD, so It is generally prudent for me to keep them on a short leash before I act rashly and cause myself, or someone else some emotional hurt.

speedo



OOPS, I just realized that this is the Men's area. I will post here, but don't know if I should?

NotKnow posted about being "stand-offish," & I've been struggling to understand how this relates to ADD. I have thought that this impartial-spectator phenomenon was an ADD issue, but I still do not know. Is it? Please indulge me in this litany of elementary questions, and thanks.


Could NotNow (or someone) explain "not expressing" emotion?
Does this mean that some ADDers feel emotions but do not care to express them?
Does this mean that they cannot express them?
Do ADDers feel less emotion than nonADDers?
Should this lack of expression be accepted as a mere difference or something to be "fixed?"
I am very standoffish with my wife. I do not express much emotion at all. Sometimes it is almost like I am an impartial spectator. Sometimes I feel something but it never makes it to the surface.

I think my wife wishes it were different but it isn't causing us much of a major problem as she just accepts that is the way I am.Awww, sweet lady.[/QUOTE]

i am muchly the same. i suppose i have always had an affinity for the concept of "being in love." like you, i also used to fall fast and agonise over girls. as soon as i attained what my heart craved, i didn't know how to go about sustaining it. i remember always joking that the problem with dating someone is that they expect you, and rightfully so, to spend time with them. and after i hurt enough people and realised the damage i was doing to them and myself, i stopped those games. i have sworn off of relationships, dug deep into buddhist meditation, and have taken an indefinite vow of celibacy; incidently, i have not dated or had sex with anyone since last february.

and to take it even a step further, i have a problem making a union between sex and love. even as a young adolescent, i could never mix my newfound sexual feelings with the thought of a girl i actually liked. and that progressed into my adulthood; i'm now 26. as soon as i come to "love" someone, any sexual feelings i had for them almost completely go away.

will aswer this one but its a big amont writeing so i do so bit later watch this space lol dorm

I have a problem with saying "I love you" Because love can be temporary but what I say will last forever.

I dont know the full story with the girl, but if she isnt seeing anyone (therapist), I would confide in her parents. Its true that experiences dont make a person, they reveal him or her. So, without blaming yourself, try to get her some help because she obviously has some deamons of her own and she is crying out for help.

I can def relate to the disconection you described, I've always been like that. And honestly, for me, it was learned behavior. Frequently add sufferers, because of their turbo-charged minds wandering here and there, cannot maintain conversations. I always had this problem, I would say the wrong thing, or random thing, and I became isolated b/c I felt like I was always wrong and other ppl didnt ever understand me. So I think its common to learn to just be alone, or detached, because its almost impossibel to relate to people when you cant hold a conversation, are always asking 'what did you say?' or are drifting off etc... or I would say things that were mildly inappropriate and just felt wrong. Dont beat yourself up too much, although I know its hard not to, et least for me, realize that most ppl with ADD are not socially adept. I guess its a trade off for creative and innovative thinking, but if your not seeing someone, I would urge you to talk to a therapist or someone knowledgeable, not just go on meds but learn about it. Try this site: http://www.drhallowell.com/resources/index.html