View Full Version : Raw Writings Of An Ametuer Poet

11-01-04, 04:41 PM

My name is Aiyana (I-Yana).
I write poetry to cope with all of the emotional conflict I deal with on a daily basis.

I am 37yrs old, and ADHD is only one of my various illness' that I struggle with. Severe Clinical Depression and Bi-Polar, are a couple of more, to name just a few.

I find that when I write poetry, it is the one time, I can say what I am feeling and be concise, creative and most importantly, understood.

I am, often, misunderstood, I'll repeat things, because I am doubtful that anyone is listening or truly hears what I am saying.

In my peoms, I don't worry so much about those things, just about getting me out there, to expose my true thoughts and emotions without the fear of people running in the other direction.
I can just be myself.
Besides, those who have read many of my works, say I am pretty good at it, so I figure, what the hell.

So that is why I am here. To share my self, and maybe to be a part of something, and people, that are more like me, that understand where I am heading in life, the troubles, the fears, confusions, everything.
Maybe here, I can feel normal, for once, being around my peers of similar fates.

If it is okay, I would just like to keep all of my poems that I submit, posted within this thread, for I have a ton of them and do not wish to hog the board.

My first poem is titled "MENTAL DISEASE".

In this poem is the purest of pains that I feel, regularly, too often in fact.
These are my rawest emotions in the purest form, all written with heart, as I leave no emotional stone unturned.

These are my ups and downs, and I mince no words when expressing them, albeit, good, bad, depressed, erotic, whimsical.....

I am an Empath, so I know no other way but to spill everything out, to be me, naked and exposed for the world to see.

I am in treatment, and on a multitude of meds, I undergo weekly counseling sessions, but it is through my poetry that the slow, but true,
process of healing has begun.

I hope you all enjoy the poetry I will be posting within.

Blessed Be!

Thank you, again for your interest in my works and for your support.
Safe Journey!

11-01-04, 04:45 PM

I hate calling it an illness
It is far worse than that
It courses through my very being
And I can get none of that back

I awaken in a dream
To, discover
I have not awakened at all
Try to decipher a voice of reason
But there isn't anyone for me to call

Blame it on traumatic experiences
But, even I am not that sure
It doesn't explain away all the other stuff
My paranoia.....
Steadily runs pure

Intense emotions plague me
Day in and day out
I just try to make myself better
Never knowing what half of me is about

I want to, but...
I don't trust anyone
Too ashamed to let someone in
Twisted and gnarled inside
While waiting, for these mental games to begin.
Once again!

I have no control over what my own mind does to me
I'm freaked out and running scared
This mind of mine is against me.
Can't you see?
This is why I don't want to be here!

How is discussing all the bad things that happened to me
Supposed to bring about some magic solution?
Will this cause this suicidal lingering to end in me?
Psyche drugs and counseling;
Is this, your only resolution!?!

It doesn't stop this terror in my mind
Or stop my mind from terrorizing my heart
I fear the world’s intentions for me
And it is tearing my whole life

Too bad you can't see inside of me
Or you will know how condemned I feel
Enough with your psycho babble B/S
This mental disease is for real!

And it is destroying me, piece by piece
I am crawling within my own flesh
To know that, suicide
Will one day be the end of, Me
Hating my life!
Even when I am at my very best!

I slipped into a catatonic state once
I couldn't even scream
Crippled in agony of loss and defeat
The remembrance I just could no longer take
How brutal it is to relive your nightmares
Over again and again
When you are completely aware
Though paralyzed and..
Wide awake!

My own mind is like a thief in the night
I wonder how much more of me it will steal
With all these mental disorders and illness' I have
Compound them together...
And you have a mental disease that can not be healed!

And very dangerous for people just like me
And with no cure in sight to be found
Making it necessary to kill this disease
Even if the consequences means that
Will be laid into the ground!

At least my mind will be still and quiet
No longer causing my heart to pound
And my spirit can finally
And peacefully,

No longer unsettled.......

By imagined fears, visions or sounds.


11-01-04, 04:59 PM

From the first time I took a breath
To the first time I could speak
Till the now in which I linger
Love has always been the thing I seek

From the first bruise
To the Law taking this child away
Till the now in which I linger
From tears,
My cheeks are permanently stained

From the days, my foster father touched me
To the days you caught me touching myself
Till the now in which I linger
Scarred eternal from the many assaults

From the time I first gave in to suicide
To the time you pretended concern
Till the now in which I linger
More than
Boiling water
Has left me burned

From the very conception I love my children
To the day GOD had taken them away
Till the now in which I linger
Whatever the circumstance....
My life is filled with pain

From all the days I have suffered a rape
To the day I stood up
Put him away
Till the now in which I linger
The ugliness of me still remains

From the days I'll always love my children
To the nights
I know they are forever gone
Till the now in which I linger
I regret the times in which I am strong

From the few days I am glad I live
To the days I forever beg for death
Till the now in which I linger
I still succumb to taking a breath

From the mornings I'd rather be asleep
To the nights I sit here and write
Till the now in which I linger
Forever, lingering


Death and life


11-01-04, 05:12 PM

My dreams go unfulfilled
As you
On some thick cloud


11-01-04, 05:17 PM

In the here and now
I wonder in constant, ‘wow’
Of things unseen
Felt to extremes
The meaning behind it all


11-04-04, 02:55 AM

I can feel the haunting of you
Seep deeply, into my pores
Sense the very presence of you
In my dreams

My nostrils reek with the smells of urine and vomit
I begin to gag from the stench
In the very by product of, that which
You would rub my nose in
When I was, but a small child

You will teach me, not to wet the bed
Hold the bile in, and do not run
Better not miss the porcelain bowl

Never the porcelain doll

So many high standards
Die, the failure of Life
A creation, not worthy to be spit upon

Damaged goods

No return address
Up in smoke
Gloriously fading with each passing sunset

Hate the creation
Not the creator
Hate the product
Despise the child

Break me
Scorn me
Abuse me
I feel your blame

I hate me, too!

11-05-04, 02:01 AM

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Where, exactly, do I fit in?

I hold out to the beauty of Hope

Even through tears


By another’s sin


Scraping the surface

Grasp hold onto the appearance

Of all that I present

If only to peer closer, they will see

And they shall have my full consent

I hide nothing from no one

Why then,

Do they run away?

If my strength and beauty

Draws them to me

Why fear this longing to stay?

Washed in the heart of a survivor

This child’s merciful cries, within

An epiphany of a dying image

Awaits the release of my true essence

The one who yearns for more

Than just a glimpse

Of that, which, is written


Beneath the skin


11-05-04, 02:06 AM

I just want to be beautiful
Like the young flowers in bloom
Like the sunsets and sunrises
Like the stars and the moon

Not like the tears I cry
Or anything like the pain I hold within
Not like all the dust kicked up
By storms with gusting winds

I just want to be beautiful
Without all the sorrow life brings
Without all the memories of sadness
Or distrust, fear, and hateful things

I want to know all about laughter
To be a part of something so right
Not just a fleeting memory
Lost, beyond, a moment in time.


11-05-04, 04:43 PM

First you hear the sounds

Of heartbeats and footsteps

Then remember you being told you were dreaming

The fact that you weren't dreaming

You'll never forget

Then you are told

To just get some sleep

All will be better in the morning

Eyes shut tight

Your fears run deep

Then feelings of loss

Begin to swarm your heart


Or paranoid

You have trouble telling the two, apart

Then a vision of a child

As he darts out into the road

(The night before)

The following day, you relive

The terror that unfolds

You seem to know things

Long before other's do

About their life

Their inner thoughts.....

Their true intentions.....

By this curse you are subdued

And now when you close your eyes

Before, you even fall into a light sleep

You feel something grab you

And feel yourself being dragged off the bed

By your very feet

Or even worse

You can feel the sensations

(Of something violating you)

You want to scream....

Paralyzed by this unseen penetration

A loved one tells you

You are going night blind

Because you see shadows in the darkness

Causing you to lose your footing

Having trouble maintaining focus

You fall flat on your face

Because the ground looks five feet closer

You take a regular step off the step you were on

Nothing wrong with your vision

Just tricked by this demonic imposter

He rapes you in your sleep

Plays havoc on your mind

Binding you by day

When you can not leave

Those sleepless troubles behind

Am I losing my mind?

I can not say for certain

I am...

But a mere actor

In a play designed for mental destruction....

Demonology 101

(Speaks of the unseen being unclean)

Causing the most sound of minds

To fall

And I

The humble puppet

Awaiting this play's, final curtain call


11-05-04, 04:46 PM

Problems not quite resolved
Locks us tight within this hull
Of life among rocky waters

In the loss of what truly matters

But do not fret
For all, will one day, see
How different and yet the same
We all can be

The tears I cry today
Will be the salve that saves
Touching on the deeper issues
That will wipe the slate clean.....

Of all that we once misused

And should this prove out of reach
Then only proves, my job to teach
To love, amidst, my endless pain
That mine might serve to remove.....

This world’s undaunted shame


11-05-04, 04:52 PM

Thank you,
I did not ask to be analyzed
That is what counseling is for

I am grateful you took the time to read
Show your opinions to the door

My pain
I deal with
My pain
I share
So others can deal
And be aware

I expose who I am
Deep within
So that others know and feel
Beneath the skin

My sorrow and honesty
Of torment
I throw.....
No blame

Nor do I allow others shallow view
To wrap me in artificial
Unwarranted shame


11-05-04, 04:55 PM

I wish upon a star
No matter where you are
I pray
While uncertain what to say
That I might share my last breath
With those awakening to the light
Of a new day

But I find myself torn
Early I begin to mourn
What I used to wish for
And the reality of a life
That once treated me with scorn
My last breath equaling my first
Below these very stars
I was born

But now things have changed
From the endless days of age
When all I could wish for was death
Now down to moments of my last breath
My life is what it is
What else should I have to expect

Chronic illness and mental disease
But to my surprise, neither of these
Gave way to my life I now deem worth living
My sadness brought about forgiving
And now I dare ponder why
That threatened this: my 'death worshipped' life

As new friends bring to light
My desire for a new and different fight
But, even in the midst of danger
Can I rightfully begin to hunger
For something that remains out of reach
All the splendor this world has to teach

If all wonders what I am babbling about
It's the first show of fear
I was once without
The fear of dying has crept upon me
Now that my death is a reality
But mourn for me not, I beg you please
A new desire has brought me to my knees

I want to live all that life is worth
Forget about and put aside the hurts
Stop feeling sorry for myself
And live life to its fullest
And conquer that which brought tears to rest

These past few months
Has brought about new friends
People who never noticed me in the past
Has come to shake this poet’s hand
As I fight my final battle
And take my last breath


11-05-04, 05:01 PM

As a child
I knew I loved you
I knew you loved me too

As a child
I cried for you
I believed in nothing else
But, that you cried for me too

As a child
I wanted your happiness
But knew myself to be your sadness

You were engulfed in the pains
Of what it meant to have me
How I ached in knowing this

What could a child give to a mother
Who should have everything
But, had nothing because of me

Could I ever hope
To make your life better
Through the end of me?

As an adult
I pray that you will awaken
I pray that you will accept how
You have severely mistaken

As an adult
My heart still breaks for you
In the midst of Reality’s truth

As a teenager
I prayed to never be like you
A child’s image turned cruel

As an adult
And this child within
I pray for the removal of this endless pain
That is you

That has forever left on me
It’s mark
Your permanent fingerprint
Of terminal rejection

Where will I be
When you need me?
Right by your side
Needing you.....



11-05-04, 05:08 PM

I'm in love
With the idea of love
What a wonderful dream

To be wanted and needed
To feel real love
What a magical place to be

Maybe it is because of my past
I know it has nothing to do
With my family tree
Just one branch

I missed that love coming from you
Friends family cheering them on
When visions of accomplishments were to be made
When they had done something wrong

For light scolding, good behavior was traded
They didn't get beat with a belt
At four in the morning 'cause the dishes weren't done
They didn't have to see a teacher have a fainting spell

They didn't have to lie about what was going on
And when it wasn't a bruise, it was something else
Something I couldn't explain
It wasn't physical, or a tangible hell
But I was scared and in a lot of pain

I knew something was wrong
I just couldn't put my finger on it
I guess no abused child could
It seems so natural from within

I vowed loud and strong
Once I realized I had a voice
Rebellion making me too headstrong
My children would have a choice

I would never do what you did
But looking back maybe I did something worst

I trusted and loved someone who had everyone fooled
There were no fools on the day
You were carried to your final resting place
In a shiny black Hearst

Yeah, I'm in love
With the idea of love
But I no longer want to be

I am dying from a broken heart
Awaiting the days
You will be returned to me


11-05-04, 05:14 PM
(My Very First Sonnet)

Hello. My name is Aiyana
My pain can sometimes block out the sun
For I suffer from Bi-polar and depression
Symptoms and treatments beginning
Back when I was very young

It gets highly frustrating at times
To know there is no cure
So I have embraced poetry
If only for the simple fact
That within my written words
I can be heard

And now my voice cries out
Bolstering, well beyond the limits of the sun
It cries out for a world aching to be as one.


11-05-04, 05:18 PM

What is Life?
If not without
A few up and downs

What is Heart?
If a few dozen smiles
Doesn’t, occasionally appear as frowns

What is Truth?
If not without
A half a dozen lies

What is Success?
If not without
A half a million tries

What is a River?
If when it flows
We have to fill it alone

And, what of a Soul?

If we open the door
Only to discover
We had never come home


11-06-04, 01:05 AM

There are many days
When I feel pathetic
Seems as though
I will never get pass this

I fear that I have fallen
Into the redundancy
Of life
Deep down
I know even that is not right

I repeat the same words
Inhale another breath
Voice the same opinions
But I know this to be the right road
Despite this chaotic spin I am in

To follow this
To follow that
Turn back
Move forward
Will I ever know if I am on track?

To becoming more
To regret less
To rise above
All the pain and loss
To finding in myself
My one true love

To becoming
In the worst way
I need to remain focused
Give up this will to die
Accept a will to live
Do I really need to know why?

My sense of belonging
Of fitting in
Long ago
Was taken away
'Special' was a bad word
That is exactly how I wish to feel today

Not dirty
From being used
From my ability to comply

Just to feel like

Do you know what I mean?


11-06-04, 01:12 AM

In the early morning hours
I walk down to the beach
It is when I am the most peaceful
I can just fade away for a moment in time
I walk to the least traveled section of the beach
Climb down to my favorite area of rocks
I sit on the edge
Welcoming the feel of the ocean's breeze
The beautiful sea whispers to me
My heart begins to sing a song
Listening to the sweet melody it brings
Tears fall down my face
The sea's mist, and spray
Washes them from me
I become one within it's amazing beauty
I feel safe here
Even this late at night
The mist caress' my skin, ever so lightly
The wind blowing softly through my hair
In this time and place I am free
From the torrent of emotions
I deal with regularly
Today, right now
The pain can not touch me
I'll return to this place tomorrow
To watch the sun paint upon the sky
Many hues of blue, purple and reds
Or in an array of softness
Splashed with the many colors of pastels
This is the true West Coast glory
As it fades into the night
And various types of music begin
To come out of the many taverns and inns
Beckoning visitors to come in
Enjoy, have a drink or two and relax
The boardwalk bustling with people
Freedom is apparent here
And I'll take in the laughter
That rings out into the night air
And becomes a faint whisper
And is soon carried off in the wind
Then I'll return to my spot, once again
I feel like a child exploring
The wonder which life provides
The moon sharing her answer with me
Lulled by the sound of each wave
As it comes crashing just beneath my feet
Here lives the breath of Great Spirit
I've never seen a more majestic place
Or feel warmer in time's embrace
I can not deny it's beauty
For I am lured to it
It is more than the mere being
Surrounded in all of it's splendor
It is more than a warm place to relax
The perfect place for a tan
It is the place where my heart and mind
Can escape the sufferings of every day
It is Mother Earth having conversation with me
If only to get lost in one moment in time
And aid me to become one with myself
I live far away now
And I miss it most times
For whenever I was hurting
I could count on the ocean's kiss
To ease my troubled mind.

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 01:16 AM

Sweetness of a sugarcane
Raw is the fragrance
Of a freshly cut Plume
Sour is the taste of a lemon
Hot and damp is the month of June

Today is the day of forgiveness
Tomorrow we must!
Once again,
The sweet juices from a well ripe Apple
For a moment
We forget a world
Which, is torn

Juggle one knife, two knives
Three knives, four
We juggle our lives everyday
And pray we do not crumble to the floor

For most, the world is a bitter
And cold place to be
Where over sixty percent of the population
Believes their lives has no meaning

The sky is blue
Our blood is red
For humanity
How many times have we bled?

There is still so much left unsaid
Regarding all for which we partake
And needlessly!
For granted.

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 01:20 AM

Taken from my mother
At the tender age of 3
Tossed into a center for placement
Away from home
No longer just my brother and me

Put into another's home
Where I loved a mom so loving
Only to be ripped out of there
Because this mom was only temporary

Taken to another place
This time it was a home
That accepted both my brother and me
And quickly was discarded

When I pinched him
Please don't make me go
I screamed, how
I was sorry...!

So another home I went
Afraid of these people, I was
Took them taking me to Disneyland
To get me speaking again
For I hadn't talked in months

Then that is when time
Just becomes this big blur
I remember some things
But, mostly, I remember...
Only the times when I got hurt

And all the times [daddy] touched me
All the times I had to search for food
All the times I got beaten
When I thought I was being good

It didn't stop there
After I was reunited with my real mom
I thought I had it bad in that other home
But, the real abuse had just begun

Now I became a plaything
For all the men to see
Convinced this was the only way to be loved
I did what I thought came naturally

My heart cried to GOD each night
As a child, I begged him to fix me
So my mom would know that I would never hurt her
Because of me, she lived her life miserably

I thought I could be, just like, Wednesday's child
If I worked really hard, I could be
Out I would go, just like Wednesday's trash
Someone would always be discarding me

And that is such a bitter pill to swallow
A very difficult thing to face
That all I wanted was to be loved…..

What a worthless dream to chase!

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 01:23 AM

Unhappy from the moment of birth
When the destruction of this spirit
Came unearthed

All my life seems I have often cried
Yet through out my life of pain
I have well survived

But without the love I have yet to know
Determined to belong, somehow
My fighting spirit helped me to grow

Though demanding I have served well
For the promise of hope
Behind the secrets I can not tell

For my soul cries out in vain
Selling out another
Has never been my shame

High maintenance I might be
But to chance my loss
May set you free


11-06-04, 01:27 AM

The levidity of my pain
Stains the flesh
But is unseen

The death of me is mourned
By the disgust of that
Which, is, unclean

There is no turning back
The time
On Sorrow's clock

There is no washing away
The betrayal of which
I am often mocked

By these illusions
I am twisted and bound in
The fate of which
Only, see

Alive by the presence
Of bio rhythms
Yet drowning in this lifeless morbidity

Isolated in a darkness
That clearly squeezes my senses
Leaving me in my own defenses

To protect and shelter
And prevent further pain
Condemns me within this existence

For I am the damned
Though my thoughts
Do not linger in the dark

The damage already done
Morbid, is the fragility
And, this useless culpability.....

Of mending this broken heart

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 01:30 AM

Flies buzzing in my brain
Thoughts driving me to the point of insane
But, I should feel no pain

For old wounds heal

Life has slashed my wrists
In anger I clench my fists
In warm oozing blood my ache exists

For soon, my heart, it will steal

His seed was like a poison
I was made in pure creation
My sufferings of boundless imaginations

My screams quenches some Eternal and unseen need

The stench of death, of me, within
I am God's Eternal sin
Torment weaved into my hair, my skin

My heart infested with the "Maggot" breed

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 01:33 AM

These are crazy days
With so many choices to be made
Decision here
Decision there
How are these choices to be made clear?

Right one
Wrong one
Or right?
Straight ahead by those
With limited sight

Up or down
In circles
We run around
(The bush)
Planted in unstable ground

Happiness from pain
Sorrow from joy
Together we unwittingly exploit
Opinions tossed around
Like a new found toy

Crazier days
Made by the choices we make
As we loiter in our own mistakes


11-06-04, 01:38 AM

I should falter
I should walk on water
I should crawl back into the sand

From which I was born

I should laugh some
I should cry much
I should feel what others feel

But I'm untouched

If you knew me
You would hold me
And rock me to a safe place

For me is unknown

But I ask for nothing
No returning to me
All of which I can not have

Or possibly own

For I am sadness
And I am pain
I am the tendon of life

That's been severely strained

For I am human
I am but an echo
Of the words one can not say

Of the love one can not show

For I am but a shadow
Of your heart content
With the fervor of desperation

I should be your silence

Give you independence
I could have dignity
If ever I was real to you

Than, alive, I could be

But I am broken
Then I am also a lie
What am I doing here?

What have I left to survive?

For I am human
I never failed to try
To err is human

Am I allowed to cry?!?

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 01:41 AM

The door opens with a slight squeak
In I poke my head to peek
I spy with my very own eyes
A bed upon which mommy and daddy lies

I tip toe quietly into their room
And quickly run out as one begins to move
I smile at my brother
He'd make a lot less noise

That's only because my little brother
Does not have much of a choice

I help get him dressed
And ready for school
I protect my little brother
From all, who are cruel

It is Saturday
No school today
So off we go...
To the fair today

My brother and I are very anxious to go
My brother gets to be
The puppeteer at the show

Through the puppets
My brother can run and play
This is going to be his greatest day!

Confined to a wheelchair
This is more then he could hope for!

For my brother hasn't so much as tip toed

Since the day he was born.

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 01:45 AM

Summer's night rain
Tears drip down the window pane
As I wipe the wetness from my eyes

Now that you are gone
I crumble with a familiar song
As my heart slowly begins to die

I stumble into an empty house
I lay in an empty bed
Trying to figure out what's going on

But none of this makes any sense
Destruction begins to settle in
Knowing I am without your love

--- Without your love ---

Who will I smile for now?
What happens if I need you, somehow...?
Crushed without the feel of your touch

Are you crying over me?
Or am I just lost in that dream?
Is this hurting YOU, too, much?

--- Without your love ---

No more feel of your warm touch
No one to gently swipe away my tears
No one to say
"Everything will be alright"

No one left to share my remaining years
No one to embrace silliness with
No one to argue with
No one to apologize to

Just the memories of living.....

---Without you---

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 01:49 AM

It's been a long road to Freedom
It's been a long road to Hope
People sitting on the porch
Discussing Religion
Not long ago
Blacks and women couldn't even vote

Wars seemed to break out everywhere
For some of the little things
Still yet, unknown
People would set themselves on fire
Rather than give up their homes

Children starving
Watch as their food goes to armies
Then, slaughtered and dumped into massive graves
A race still long angry with the white man
For, once, owning slaves

We still fain penitence
Live among resistance
On our shoulders lies a huge chip
Medicare won't even pay to replace a broken hip

Seems we are still traveling that long road
Forced to protect all that we own
The Government overtaxing our homes
From the looks of things.....

We still have a long ways to go.

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 01:52 AM

I am the inclusion
Upon this protrusion of Life
I am the wrong
When other's do not need me to be right

I am the incision
Which, never seems to heal
I am the beauty that has long since
Lost, it's, appeal

I am the reason behind
Every nonsensical thing
I am the static
By which you cling

I am the current of electricity
That courses through your veins
You are the mourner who scoffs
At the sight of my remains

I am the joy that befell your heart
You are the world that
Has been blown apart

I am the darkness
That keeps you in the light

I am the inclusion

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 01:56 AM

My friends ask me for help
To them
I readily give
But when I need help
I live
My heart to all
Is never constrained
But lead them to my door
They quickly refrain
I am not the only one
To have problems, here
But the first to stand for them
For my friends are dear
To my heart
My Soul
They become my life
So why?
When I need them
Do they behave in strife?
How would they feel
If I no longer was here
For them?
Would they even notice
React in fear?
Memories would be lost
On them?
On whom
One should call


11-06-04, 02:00 AM



11-06-04, 02:05 AM

It is not easy knowing I was a victim
Even harder, when I know of what I have survived
But to be a victim over and over again
How can God allow me to stay alive?

I have never had a fair chance at it
This is obviously true
But if I don’t gain some control now
Then I permit myself the endless role of “Fool”

Everyone has their demons
Every being is tragic
Just depends on how one looks at it
Whether or not it disappears like magic

Yeah, a proven magic disappearing act
With ones emotions
This I’d like to see
How one can truly
Wipe the entire “Mental Madness” slate clean

I think people choose to harm
Destroy and devastate
Certain behaviors are taught
Like the insidious ability to hate

I am a child tormented
Abused in every imaginable way
Torn apart by separation and abandonment
Yet, my goodness of heart, has never strayed

According to the doctors
I have an illness
That can tend on the psychotic
But don’t tell that to my strong persona
For fear I can no longer act neurotic

But I think I understand now
Why I had to be a victim throughout all of this
It wasn’t to create within me, self-destruction
But to make me a strong witness

To life, lies, abuse, shame and moral sin
To having the pain of others drown out mine
To feel what others are afraid to feel
So that my knowledge will exonerate
With time

All wounds that could not be


Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 02:08 AM

Streamlining down the Interstate
100 to 120 miles per hour
Slam it into overdrive
Feel the rawness of pure power

As you slip and slide to miss your mark
Feel the pounding rip open your heart
Pull into a cul-de-sac
Zip a reversal from your attack

Climb forty flights of stairs
To your domain
Stick a hot scorching needle
Of warm juices into your veins

Slip back into reality
In and out of sweet pain
Misery the company you sell
To do it all over again

You awaken to a scream
The sound made by your own voice
Lying dead in your lap
The lady of your dreams
You ponder the need to make other choices

Speed is what you crave
To end the nightmare that is your right
But you corner yourself in a dead end
Faced with yourself
You go back to your life

Messages belate your answering machine
The incessant noise, never end!

BUT, this is just another day.....

For, the ever elusive, Method Man.

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-06-04, 02:12 AM

I can instill within you.....

The basics of common courtesy
The values of compassion
Through, my consistency in raising you
I can share with you...
My heart....
Through, keeping all of my promises to you
I can guide you in your
Future decisions
In all of these things
In you
Will be put to the test
And in you
I have asked for nothing in return...
And I never will
For it is not your place.
Besides you have given
More than you realize
More than you will ever know...
Than all the Gold in this world
Your smile
An Angel
My hearts only.....

Treasure Chest!


11-06-04, 02:21 AM

"Vampirism ends
Where my torrid pleasures begin"

Let me bite you upon your sweet flesh
Your blood warm
And sticky wet
Give you the love you'll never forget
As I suck into my lungs
Your last breath
Missing years not quite so
You'll always remember
You'll always know
How I can make that mem(ber)ory of yours grow
This longing desire of mine.....
For your

Copyright@2004/Aiyana (Copyright@2004/Aiyana)

11-13-04, 10:11 PM

I sit here, under the window sill
Staring through the glass pane
Beyond the trees, I gaze upon the stars
Where memories of you, eternally stains

I feel the heat of betrayal within
Tears jerk from eyes in symphonic sounds
Remembrance of your touch burns the skin
In anger, my heart rapidly pounds

You have done nothing wrong
For it was destiny that you should leave
Except, engage the Angels in song
And fly away upon their wings

Still the image of you burns my heart
Agony scourges and clouds the mind
I allowed your love in, and now I am torn apart
I sit under this window sill…..

Never leaving you behind


11-13-04, 10:17 PM

But, there is movement
And yet
Not a single sound.
It is inside me
This thing that stirs
Like the hands of a clock
Searching for the next number...
The second hand timelessly
Moves an infinite number of times
Awakening me
Such a craving it leaves in me.
Consider the small hand
As it represents my emotions
My dreams
And all that I have never had
The pleasure to embrace
Or to be embraced by
The big hand
A representative of the past
Of what haunts me
Blinds me!
Shutting me into the darkness
Fear is stirring..
And beyond a boundless infinity
That in this battle of rejection is.....
Rejection was!
And all my need
My desire to be
Has created such a profound
Hunger for the knowledge
That will certainly set me free.
For me
Is teetering
Gone haywire
I have long been held in bondage....
Born in siege!
I can hear the tick tock
Of life's clock
Booming in my ears
Getting louder and louder
Until I scream.
It is no longer silent.
The quiet...
Has returned home
Deep, within the 'Somewhere'
And it controls my mind
Echoing the fears in my heart
Memories flitting around me
Consuming me in, it's, fire
I must not utter a sound
Or it will start all over again.
A wretched eternity has climbed
Upon my shoulders, once more
Then in a flash, it is gone.
Not even leaving behind.....
A vapor trail
Is this, too?
How I will disappear...?
Where is all the beauty?
Where is the sense in all of this?


11-19-04, 06:48 PM

A magical moment
A mystical embrace
From the slashing of hope
Interwoven in blood coated lace

My dreams have slowly soured
Feelings of helplessness
Has eagerly empowered

The child from the womb
The child made of flesh
The child that lingers in a body
Of the soul that has been, quickly, dismissed

I pray for not
That I may and ought
Have a life of phantasmal giving
One that is lost has often sought

Take me to another realm
Some place safe
Where I can grow, steadily
But at my own pace

Where I am not
But a mere image of those who prey
Upon the starlets of innocence
This time and age

Give me a looking glass
Upon a doorway through window’s pane
And I will fall gladly into this
Fantasy where magician’s play


12-09-04, 02:50 PM

I sit by and watch out my window

This shadow of you fall

Like a shooting star that has lost its flame

Its fuel for life’s essence

You are fading…

I can not hold nay… any longer

Your grip on me

Leaves this heart calloused

Foreboding in what it means to be you

I can not breathe…

Like liquid

Hot and scorching

You burn in me

Embers of resentment

Where it comes from, I do not know…

Nor do I wish to

Once ignited in passion and lust

Forgotten love

Has ached me once more

You become the vision of all I retaliate against…

I loved you once

My only wish is to be in love with you

Forever more

What is it to you that you may love me?

Or did you ever…?

Black as night

Eternity closes its curtain

And springs to my being

With the shades I pull in the darkness

Infinite loneliness

Boundless betrayal

Caused by my own heart

I am my own victim

I, and all that it means to be, I…

Certainty is fading


And much like, you

I am gone

The vapors of non-existence…

I merely evaporate

Into what never was

Never can be

A love devoured

I am powerless

My destiny written in stone but not seen

Only felt

A soul disintegrated into the needing of you….

Of needing me, longing for me

Yearning for us

Come and we together shall face our destiny

Where the true meaning of “WE”, just merely…

Vanishes with each breath we take…

All for love's sake


...Out of love

"I" slowly disappear

Into this abyss of ‘Nothing’!