View Full Version : Priorities..please!!!


Fuzzy12
04-07-12, 05:39 PM
I haven't eaten today and I'm not fasting. Well, technically, I am fasting of course but I didn't plan to. This is getting ridiculous. I need to eat. I'm trying to eat super healthy nutritious stuff and I'm also trying to get in some exercise (though not regularly) so that I don't feel so guilty about eating but it's not good enough. I'm not taking in enough calories. I barely had my periods this month and my body is doing all kinds of strange things.

I can't believe that I'm in my thirties and still struggling with this. I need to eat. I've got so much work, so many things to do. I'm slowly starting to feel weak as well and my brain has become complete mush. I don't have to be thin or lose more weight. It doesn't matter. At all. It's not going to help me in any way. I know that. I have to be productive!! Depriving myself of food makes me feel good because it gives me both a sense of control and of achievement but that's rubbish. I'm not in control. My eating disorder is in control. And losing weight is not the achievement that I need right now. I need to work!!

Uggh. Just uggh. Why won't my brain listen to me??? :mad:

Fuzzy12
04-07-12, 05:46 PM
But then of course, it's not that simple. It's not like food=productivity. On the contrary. In my mind, I've always associated eating with a loss of control and being unproductive. Dieting always goes hand in hand with my productive mode. Even though I know that taken to this extreme, it's counter productive. It's so stupid. Physically, I need food to be productive but mentally, I need to cut out food to feel productive.

I wish my brain could just work like a normal person's. It drives me crazy that I can't act logically. :(

RedHairedWitch
04-07-12, 05:57 PM
If you have a hard time with meals, try lots of snacks. Munching on granola bars or pieces of cheese while you work.

Unmanagable
04-07-12, 06:13 PM
It helps me to shop for, and prepare, the food ahead of time, all in one day when the mood hits me. I make it all in individual servings so i can grab it on the go. There are weeks I fail miserably at this and skip out on a lot of the nutrition I need, but when it works, I feel so much better. Some of the things I prepare are:

Hard boiled eggs ( I learned if I keep them in the fridge with the shell still on, they peel much easier....but that could cost you time if you're in a hurry, so you may want to peel some ahead of time, too- they'll last a week in the fridge)

Cut up my favorite veggies and put in snack size baggies (celery, green pepper, carrots, cucumber)

Put peanut butter or ranch or whatever you prefer in small dollar tree containers to use for dipping on the go

Make ahead pb&j sandwiches - great for leftover hamburger and hot dog buns, too

Use wide mouth mason jars for salads on the go....layer your goodies......dressing on the bottom ALWAYS with the "tougher" veggies on top of that (radishes, carrots, celery) so they won't get soggy, then the lettuce or whatever greens you choose on the top

Nuts

Fresh Fruit

Beans......you can make them ahead of time and add them to lots of things that are quick

Hope this helps some. Good luck, Fuzzy!

Fuzzy12
04-09-12, 06:38 PM
Had a bowl of crunchy nut cereals with jam. Yeah, it's as disgusting as it sounds. I mainly ate around the jam. Just couldn't force myself to get it down. Now I'm fighting the urge of making myself throw up and the growing feeling of self loathing. I'm so tired of this ****. :(

Fraser_0762
04-09-12, 06:52 PM
If you have a hard time with meals, try lots of snacks. Munching on granola bars or pieces of cheese while you work.

^^^
This!

I'm a 20 snacks a day person, because I forget to set fixed meal times. :eyebrow:

Fraser_0762
04-09-12, 06:54 PM
Had a bowl of crunchy nut cereals with jam. Yeah, it's as disgusting as it sounds. I mainly ate around the jam. Just couldn't force myself to get it down. Now I'm fighting the urge of making myself throw up and the growing feeling of self loathing. I'm so tired of this ****. :(

If you aren't enjoying what you're eating, eat food that you do enjoy. Just try and eat less of it.

Food should be enjoyable. Thats what taste buds are for! :)

Spacemaster
04-09-12, 07:08 PM
I have a bad time trying to eat breakfast, as I am usually late for work as it is. If I don't have time for a meal, I dump a scoop of chocolate protein powder in a beverage shaker with milk, and I'm out the door! The kind I have has 25grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins. The shakes don't taste too bad either. I tried the vanilla one however, and it was vile, and not a bit like vanilla.

Fuzzy12
04-09-12, 07:16 PM
If you aren't enjoying what you're eating, eat food that you do enjoy. Just try and eat less of it.

Food should be enjoyable. Thats what taste buds are for! :)

I hate food. If I never had to eat again and could just pop a pill that fulfilled exactly all of my nutritional needs, I'd be happy. Well, happier.

It's not about enjoying what I'm eating or not having enough time to eat. I can't eat like a normal person. I neither eat for the sake of nutrition nor do I eat for the sake of enjoyment. My problem is that I can't control what I'm eating (or not eating). My moods dictate my food intake and my food intake influences my moods. I know, it doesn't make sense and I'm too tired now to try to explain it. I just hate my brain. How am I supposed to live like this? With a brain that doesn't work properly. A body that's not under my control. I'm too flawed. Not flawed enough to actually get any help but too flawed to help myself. I could spend a lifetime like this and it seems more and more likely that I will. I'm just so tired. Nothing will ever change because I'm incapable of changing it. I'm incapable of changing myself. I'm stuck with this person that I hate so much, that's ruined my life and the life of everyone around me and I just can't rid myself of her. I can't believe I'm actually feeding her. I'm just so tired.

Spacemaster
04-09-12, 07:26 PM
I positively adore food. Eating it, cooking it, watching TV shows about food, going out to eat, you name it. I should be 400 lbs instead of 140lbs. I wish I didn't like food so much. I'm not overweight, but I could easily get there.

I would try seeing a nutritionist if funds allow. Don't be discouraged, and for the love of god, don't hate yourself!

homestead4u
04-09-12, 07:50 PM
since dr change meds i now have my cell set up alarms to remind me to eat 3 times a day.. i have lost soo much weight but dr say is normal.. so i am dealing w it... as for the taste buds Mmmmm i remember what food tastes like but after surgery on toncels and ulva taste almost gone.. use to love food sooo much now everything taste the same... Best of Luck :-)

Flory
04-09-12, 07:55 PM
Hi Fuzzy, i had an eating disorder for many years after my parents divorce, my weight now yoyo's between average and low average, i can totally sympathise with the need to be in control and the sense of almost euphoria you can get from not eating. are you struggling over or have you had problems with body image or self esteem ?

my eating was a way of having control over something because at the time my whole life was collapsing around me...i felt like i had to be smaller,less noticeable and forgive me for being melodramatic but i wanted to literally disappear...i think it takes a lot of courage to admit you are facing problems with food ((hugs)) if you need to talk to someone that understands i am around :)

do you have 'safe' foods that you could try and start off with, clear broths, sugarfree jello etc...just to get back in the habit of eating again ? xx

swashbedazzled
04-12-12, 01:29 AM
I hate food. If I never had to eat again and could just pop a pill that fulfilled exactly all of my nutritional needs, I'd be happy. Well, happier.

It's not about enjoying what I'm eating or not having enough time to eat. I can't eat like a normal person. I neither eat for the sake of nutrition nor do I eat for the sake of enjoyment. My problem is that I can't control what I'm eating (or not eating). My moods dictate my food intake and my food intake influences my moods. I know, it doesn't make sense and I'm too tired now to try to explain it. I just hate my brain. How am I supposed to live like this? With a brain that doesn't work properly. A body that's not under my control. I'm too flawed. Not flawed enough to actually get any help but too flawed to help myself. I could spend a lifetime like this and it seems more and more likely that I will. I'm just so tired. Nothing will ever change because I'm incapable of changing it. I'm incapable of changing myself. I'm stuck with this person that I hate so much, that's ruined my life and the life of everyone around me and I just can't rid myself of her. I can't believe I'm actually feeding her. I'm just so tired.

Feeling out of control, self-loathing, and "flawed" are part of the eating disorder. I have a love/ hate thing with eating. My weight fluctuates between seriously underweight and average, but as an adult I prefer to stay in the same 5 lb range. I spent years, literally years, dealing with emotional/ mood issues with food, learning to see food in terms of health only and not as any kind of reward or punishment (exercise too, but that's a different story). I recently moved and switched MDs and she switched my meds from Ritalin to Adderall, despite the success I've had with Ritalin for years. The Adderall made me lose my appetite during the day and crave high fat, calorie dense foods when it wore off. After going about 5 lbs over my non-eating disorder triggering weight I finally got my meds switched back.

It is so much work to separate food, comfort, love, and weight but it is so worth it. Eating disorders start young, and are pretty much forever. I have been "over" mine for nearly 15 years and I still deal with it. Finding an equilibrium where the 'meaning' of food is different is hard, but helpful. It requires really careful examination of what your triggers are. Medication can also help enormously. If your mood swings are really significant, talk to your MD about that. Discuss any hormones you are on. My moods and eating issues were worst when I was a teenager and on a tri-cyclic birth control pill. Low dose progesterone was like a magic mood stabilizer. I know experimenting is tough when you have control issues anyway, but it really is your brain and body, not your moral fiber or goodness as a person.

Scooter77
04-12-12, 09:21 AM
I don't eat either, I don't hate food, actually I love food. I don't really know why I don't eat. Sometimes I just forget, I don't feel hungry, or I do feel hungry but nothing seems appetizing so I have a coffee instead. I don't choose not to eat but I also like to not eat. I'm not exactly sure why. I think maybe if I was thinner then people would actually like me. I know that is totally ridiculous but it also makes sense in a weird way.

pechemignonne
04-12-12, 10:30 AM
I haven't eaten today and I'm not fasting. Well, technically, I am fasting of course but I didn't plan to. This is getting ridiculous. I need to eat. I'm trying to eat super healthy nutritious stuff and I'm also trying to get in some exercise (though not regularly) so that I don't feel so guilty about eating but it's not good enough. I'm not taking in enough calories. I barely had my periods this month and my body is doing all kinds of strange things.

I can't believe that I'm in my thirties and still struggling with this. I need to eat. I've got so much work, so many things to do. I'm slowly starting to feel weak as well and my brain has become complete mush. I don't have to be thin or lose more weight. It doesn't matter. At all. It's not going to help me in any way. I know that. I have to be productive!! Depriving myself of food makes me feel good because it gives me both a sense of control and of achievement but that's rubbish. I'm not in control. My eating disorder is in control. And losing weight is not the achievement that I need right now. I need to work!!

Uggh. Just uggh. Why won't my brain listen to me??? :mad:
Are you seeing a doctor or specialist for this? Because it sounds to me like you might be at a point where you need outside help, of a professional kind.

Fuzzy12
04-14-12, 05:44 PM
Are you seeing a doctor or specialist for this? Because it sounds to me like you might be at a point where you need outside help, of a professional kind.

I did mention it to a counsellor once but we didn't talk much about it. I really, really don't want to tell my GP.

The problem I guess is that I don't want any help. At least not now when I'm losing weight, it's different when I'm binge eating. I know, I need help and I know that I should get help but I don't want to. That kind of is exactly the problem with an eating disorder. I know it's really bad for me (apart from being completely idiotic and illogical) but I can't force myself to not want to do this. I don't want to eat. I don't want anyone helping me to eat. Deep down, I'm thrilled and proud of myself (inspite of knowing how idiotic and meaningless all of this is).

Does that make any sense? It's like I know, right now, that I really, really should eat something since I'm feeling a bit faint and quite weak, got a headache and bad heartburn and I'm struggling to think straight but I just don't want to so I won't. I'm incapable of forcing myself to do things that I don't want to do irrespective of how logical or sensible I know they are.

I know, it's difficult to understand because it just really doesn't make any sense whatsoever. And it drives me quite crazy that something so senseless and illogical can be so compelling.

Fuzzy12
04-14-12, 05:54 PM
Hi Fuzzy, i had an eating disorder for many years after my parents divorce, my weight now yoyo's between average and low average, i can totally sympathise with the need to be in control and the sense of almost euphoria you can get from not eating. are you struggling over or have you had problems with body image or self esteem ?

my eating was a way of having control over something because at the time my whole life was collapsing around me...i felt like i had to be smaller,less noticeable and forgive me for being melodramatic but i wanted to literally disappear...i think it takes a lot of courage to admit you are facing problems with food ((hugs)) if you need to talk to someone that understands i am around :)

do you have 'safe' foods that you could try and start off with, clear broths, sugarfree jello etc...just to get back in the habit of eating again ? xx

It's similar for me. My eating is one of the things that I can control (at times). Not eating gives me a feeling of success, which I crave desperately because I'm not really getting it anywhere else.

It's a bit twisted but depriving myself always signals productivity to me. I can't eat normally. I either binge or starve myself (or fast). Starving means that I feel better and can do other things as well. Binge eating signals the end of anything productive. It's my time out/switch off button.

I've got safe foods. Most fruits, salad (without dressing) and boiled vegetables (except for the high calories ones). Right now I'm staying in a BnB and I'm struggling to find food that I'm comfortable eating. I spent two hours in Asda the other day because I couldn't find anything to eat apart from salad leaves and fruits. I was looking for something slightly more substantial but nothing seemed low enough in calories.

I guess, it's ok. It's not going to last forever. At some point I'm sure my appetite will return and then it will be harder to not eat. I've got zero will power so sooner or later when the hunger or appetite return I will start eating again. Binge eating probably. :doh:

pechemignonne
04-15-12, 04:12 PM
I did mention it to a counsellor once but we didn't talk much about it. I really, really don't want to tell my GP.

The problem I guess is that I don't want any help. At least not now when I'm losing weight, it's different when I'm binge eating. I know, I need help and I know that I should get help but I don't want to. That kind of is exactly the problem with an eating disorder. I know it's really bad for me (apart from being completely idiotic and illogical) but I can't force myself to not want to do this. I don't want to eat. I don't want anyone helping me to eat. Deep down, I'm thrilled and proud of myself (inspite of knowing how idiotic and meaningless all of this is).

Does that make any sense? It's like I know, right now, that I really, really should eat something since I'm feeling a bit faint and quite weak, got a headache and bad heartburn and I'm struggling to think straight but I just don't want to so I won't. I'm incapable of forcing myself to do things that I don't want to do irrespective of how logical or sensible I know they are.

I know, it's difficult to understand because it just really doesn't make any sense whatsoever. And it drives me quite crazy that something so senseless and illogical can be so compelling.
It doesn't make sense, because it isn't a logical drive, but you seem to already know that. That isn't really the point, all of us with ADHD do things that don't "make sense" and avoid doing "sensible" things, it's part of the disorder.

But in some cases, especially in combination with other co-morbid conditions (eg eating disorders, depression, bipolar, etc.), this can be very, very dangerous.

Moreover, it is not something that will get better on its own, since the lack of calories will exacerbate the ADHD which will exacerbate the eating disorder.

Everything that you are saying in your posts indicates that your eating disorder situation is pretty serious. And although it isn't "logical" by outside standards, it has its own logic. But the end game of that logic is not pretty.

It comes down to this, and I am not being melodramatic: If you want to live, you will have to tell a doctor.

Flory
04-15-12, 04:52 PM
Hi fuzzy,
i just read your response today to my post, please don't take what i'm about to say as encouragement towards this eating problem but see it as support from someone who has been there and knows that there is 0 anyone can do to fix it until you want to fix it and also someone that wants you to try and stay within safe boundaries.

i 100% know where you are at, fasting brings with it a massive sense of control and almost a clarity, its in our heads achievement...when things are falling to sh** around us, everything is wrong...what is right ? i successfully starved i havent eaten im in control of my body, my weight...the ultimate control. starvation becomes a security blanket... in just one year i lost 50% of my body weight, if my bmi had dropped any further than what it was (16) (17.5 is the diagnostic threshold for anorexia nervosa) i would have been hospitalised against my will....

it was probably the pivotal point in all of this because despite my great feelings about losing weight...things in florence's world were seriously amiss.....my hair was falling out, i had increased levels of creatinine in my bloodwork (a by-product of muscle metabolism) in other words: my body was eating itself, my electrolytes were so out of whack that i would pass out and feel fluttery upon exertion, my kidney function began to suffer(its fine now), my bone mass began to decrease, i could never sleep, i was always cold, i lost my period and developed lanugo (i fine white hair that grows over the body to keep warm)...i don't mean this as a scare tactic i just want you to know that the road your on is a very bad road indeed and it pains me to see somebody suffering like this, eating disorders are very very complex and its not as simple as telling someone to 'just eat' all i can offer is a hug and a little advice.

with that said: i know there's not a lot anybody can do for you right now, eating a full and healthy diet is probably the last thing on your mind and im not going to encourage one way or another, but there is a way you can ensure that you are at least eating but foregoing a massive amount of calories until whatever it is ceases and you feel more able to return to a normal pattern of eating , i'd also reccomend that you check in with your gp about these symptoms

water: i was clinically dehyrdrated on a number of occasions..this is serious s**t and the end result can be fatal...push that fluid through your body like there is no tomorrow, tea, coffee, water, juice (robinsons sugar free is pretty low cal), diet coke lemonade and plain water should do the trick :) it will also help with hunger pangs

chicken breast (120 cals) with a side salad and you can get a 1 cal caesar dressing spray at most supermarkets, this makes a great dinner ...sugar free jelly is about 4 calories with a chopped up banana you've got yourself a nice filling dessert for about 140 cals, you could also just forego the banana and have the sugar free jello thats dinner and dessert for <250 calories

breakfast bars, cereal bars of the diet variety even coco pops ones are all 110< add a cup of tea and youve got yourself a fairly alright low cal breakfast

multi-vits, calcium supplements and fat-free dairy are your friends....use when you can to keep your bones tip-top

cous-cous is tasty low fat and you can have a portion at about 250 cals with a piece of chicken, quorns chicken sub is even better and less calories this would make a brilliant meal for <300

lunchtime crackers x2, extra low fat dairlyea triangles 24 cals each, with a weight watchers cake and some fruit and youve got a lunch for about 200

you could probably do a days food for <800 calories...i know its not right but you have got to start somewhere, and until you can overcome what it is thats making eating hard you've got to try and eat something :) please do keep your doctor posted on your situation and try and keep safe...and if you really really can't eat please make sure you are hydrated electrolyte imbalances are a very dangerous side effect of dehyrdation and can cause heart arrythmia

with that i give you hugs (((hugs))) and wish you well...let me know if you want to chat about anything be it ED related or just in general and please stay safe xxx

T-Rex65
04-19-12, 10:07 AM
Here is an idea which may be totally off base or unworkable. But here goes.

What if you decided to take a cooking class? You would be exerting control by learning cooking techniques and following or modifying recipes. You would need to taste as you went along because you have to know if you are getting it right. And at the end of the class, perhaps you will feel "in control" of the outcome to such an extent that perhaps you could relax and actually eat some of whatever you created?

Fuzzy12
04-22-12, 03:35 PM
The physical feelings of being unwell are really getting to me. I didn't even eat that little today. I felt so weak that I didn't make it out of bed till afternoon. Then I had two bowls of chick peas and vegetables and later in the evening I had some cereals and an apple. I've also tried getting down some calorie dense food like raisins and nuts.

I'm still feeling weak and faint. I've got a headache and my mind is feeling really fuzzy. I think, my body has gone into ketosis. For the past week I've been getting this sweet and fruity taste in my mouth. I don't believe in low carb diets (when I try to be healthy I make sure I get a good balance of all food groups) so I wasn't aiming for this. It's funny. I remember getting this taste in my mouth every once in a while though I never knew what it was. I always liked it. I always associated it with good times and being happy, which makes sense I guess, since I always feel better and am happier when I'm depriving myself of food.

My skin is also super dry and I've become more hairy. :eek:

More than anything I hate feeling this weak. I can't afford to be weak. I've got so much work. I think, I'll try to eat some quorn burgers now to get some proteins. I really, really don't want to though. I feel full to the rim and I'm worried I'll pile the weight right back on again, which I probably will. I guess though it's better being fat than dying of a heart attack.

I told the GP that I've lost my appetite and that I've lost some weight. She said I just have to force myself to eat. I know I should have told her that I'm not able to force myself but I didn't.

pechemignonne
04-23-12, 01:06 PM
The physical feelings of being unwell are really getting to me. I didn't even eat that little today. I felt so weak that I didn't make it out of bed till afternoon. Then I had two bowls of chick peas and vegetables and later in the evening I had some cereals and an apple. I've also tried getting down some calorie dense food like raisins and nuts.

I'm still feeling weak and faint. I've got a headache and my mind is feeling really fuzzy. I think, my body has gone into ketosis. For the past week I've been getting this sweet and fruity taste in my mouth. I don't believe in low carb diets (when I try to be healthy I make sure I get a good balance of all food groups) so I wasn't aiming for this. It's funny. I remember getting this taste in my mouth every once in a while though I never knew what it was. I always liked it. I always associated it with good times and being happy, which makes sense I guess, since I always feel better and am happier when I'm depriving myself of food.

My skin is also super dry and I've become more hairy. :eek:

More than anything I hate feeling this weak. I can't afford to be weak. I've got so much work. I think, I'll try to eat some quorn burgers now to get some proteins. I really, really don't want to though. I feel full to the rim and I'm worried I'll pile the weight right back on again, which I probably will. I guess though it's better being fat than dying of a heart attack.

I told the GP that I've lost my appetite and that I've lost some weight. She said I just have to force myself to eat. I know I should have told her that I'm not able to force myself but I didn't.
You should really be honest with your GP.

Your physical symptoms are an indication that your current situation is causing you health problems. These will only get worse if things continue as they are, and could get very serious very quickly.

swashbedazzled
04-26-12, 03:52 AM
The problem I guess is that I don't want any help. At least not now when I'm losing weight, it's different when I'm binge eating. I know, I need help and I know that I should get help but I don't want to. That kind of is exactly the problem with an eating disorder. I know it's really bad for me (apart from being completely idiotic and illogical) but I can't force myself to not want to do this. I don't want to eat. I don't want anyone helping me to eat. Deep down, I'm thrilled and proud of myself (inspite of knowing how idiotic and meaningless all of this is).



Besides the obvious psychological impacts, eating disorders lead to skin and teeth problems, musculoskeletal issues, digestive problems and other nasties. I was anorexic for 3 years, as a result I will have tooth and esophagus problems as long as I live. It took years for my hair to go back to normal, and for the stabbing stomach pain from ulcers to stop. It is so easy to think "this is bad for me", but you don't actually know what that means. A bit of shame talking to your GP now is way better than the horrors of dental surgeries, invasive stomach exams, and regret years down the road. I'm not being melodramatic either. I was also secretly thrilled and proud, but I wish I could take it back. Straight up, living with the repercussions of ED sucks.

Fuzzy12
04-26-12, 04:38 PM
Thanks guys. I know you are right.

Anyway, I'm trying to eat more again. I have a huge breakfast since I find it easier to eat in the morning:

Breakfast on most days consists of 1 poached egg, 1 slice of wholemeal toast, 2 grilled tomatoes, 1 grilled mushroom, some baked beans and a glass of orange juice. I reckon that's about 400kcal just for breakfast. When I'm at home it's a bowl of cereals on good days or mostly I skip it.

Lunch is usually a bowl of salad and a bowl of fruits. I try to make the salad more nutritious by adding beans. Roughly 200kcal, I guess. If I eat anything more at lunch it becomes too compelling to skip dinner.

Dinner is the most problematic and I usually spend at least an hour going around the supermarket, checking the nutritional information of everything and not finding anything that I might be able to eat.

When I'm at home I usually toss together a can of beans with lots and lots of vegetables. I'm spending a lot of time travelling for work (which is when I get a cooked breakfast at least) and mostly buy some food from a supermarket. I usually end up having more salad, fruits and instant low fat soup. But this week I'm trying to have larger portions and also add some proteins like quorn and some fibre from crispy bread slices. Tonight, I guess, I had about 300kcal.

I know that 1000kcal a day isn't enough but it's much more than I've had in the last few weeks so that's a start, I guess.

I still feel slightly faint towards the evening and get heart burn I don't have that sweet and fruity taste in my mouth anymore all the time. I just get it every once in a while. I'll try to slowly increase my intake again.

I know that once my appetite returns I won't be able to sustain this anyway. I'm away from home a lot at the moment and that makes it worse. I love travelling but I'm not entirely comfortable sleeping anywhere except at home. I worry about dirt and insects and that puts me off food as well.

pechemignonne
04-26-12, 05:56 PM
I'm glad to hear that you're doing better.

I still would still strongly encourage you to seek some kind of help or support from some kind of health professional.

Eating disorders are very serious business, and you don't have to try to fight it alone.

Again, glad to hear that you're eating, I'm sure your body appreciates your hard work!!

pechemignonne
05-14-12, 02:09 AM
For you Fuzzy, a great blog I found:

I do not have an eating disorder (http://misspixnmix.tumblr.com/post/3232725607/i-do-not-have-an-eating-disorder-p01-ive-been)