I'm new here, but I've been reading the board for a few months. I hope someone can help me figure out how to deal with my husband without being enraged at him all the time.

We've been together for four years, married for one. I love him more than anything in the world, and I will never leave him. My question is how I can be in this relationship for the rest of my life without becoming the bitter, angry, nagging, lonely wife that I see myself transforming into.

We are very young--24 right now--and he is newly diagnosed with ADD. One of the major problems is that after having graduated from college in 2002, he has not worked. (He said he was working on a start-up business, but that turned out to be a fanciful interpretation of his daily routine.) I am the bread winner, but my income is augmented by his quickly dwindling investments, which are going even more quickly now because (against my better judgment) we bought our dream house which we've planned to move to next year. In the mean time, we've moved into his mother's house to save money and do repairs on our place. But now that we're there, I can't get him to even plan or discuss getting a job--without which we can't move. I would never have moved in with his mom if we didn't have a firm plan to get out, and I'm tearing my hair out over the prospect of being here indefinitely. Mostly, I'm furious with him for pulling the rug out from under me (again). Every dollar he spends means that we have less money, so I'm reminded daily of his refusal to act like an adult.

He in turn thinks that I am obsessive and annoying, which is increasingly true. What can I do here? How do I help him without adding to his anxiety and contrariness? I'm frightened because both options that occur to me mean that I effectively become his parent--I can either tell him what to do all the time, or I can give up and do everything myself. The first wrecks our relationship and the second will lead to more resentment on my part than I can fathom. I don't care if he forgets to do chores or spaces out while I try to talk to him--I can get over that. But when I ask him if he'll actively work with me so that we can move, his response is "I don't know." Like it isn't entirely up to him. I just want him to feel the need to take care of his family. Please help me figure out how to handle this.

Katec, you've come to right place. I also recommend you get access to the private non-ADD support forum. The brain-barrier (by that, I mean the difference in brain functionality) between ADD'ers and non-ADD'ers can cause some miscommunications, especially if you need to vent about your husband's behaviors.

You will find a TON of support here and an abundance of information. The best advice I have for you in dealing with your own building anger, frustration and resentment is to learn about codependent behavioral patterns. You don't want to end up in a caretaking role where you sacrifice your own wants and needs to take care of your husband. Taking care of yourself needs to remain a top priority.

If this interests you at all, or if you have any questions about it, feel free to send me email or a PM.

Michael

Hello~
First I would like to give you a big warm welcome. I have gotten so much support & wonderful advice on this forum. I have been married to my ADHD husband for 11 years. It has not at all been an easy road but I love him enough to take this "journey" with him. There are 2 books that I have read that were a huge help in helping me learn more about my husband's behaviors & moods. They are Driven to Distraction(the 2nd book is Answers to Distraction, also very good) and A.D.D & Romance by Jonathon Halverstadt.
I hope you are able to find the answers & support that you need.
Please feel free to ask anything to anybody here.

Thanks to both of you for responding. I don't mean to sound like I just want to complain about him--actually, my point is that I'd like to stop complaining, and that seems to entail two things. 1) Him getting a job. 2) Me getting a hold of my temper. I've looked around here and haven't seen a whole lot about ADDers who just refuse to work. Is this a common problem? Or are they more likely to try and either get fired frequently or focus on a job so much that they have nothing left? What encouragement techniques have you all had success with? I can see that there's a fine line that I need to walk between nagging (really doesn't work) and giving up (makes him feel even worse about himself, which just cycles back to inactivity)--I just can't figure out what methods fall along it. Any ideas?

It does not sound like you are complaining to me. I have been there with the same exact feelings as you. The books that I mentioned really made me undertstand how to deal with certain thing better without making it feel like it was all my fault. I know that before I met my husband, he was very well known for changing jobs constantly, quitting because he felt like it or just not showing up for work. I am not sure how to answer your question about the job issue being "common" because I can not speak for other people who have AD/HD but this is what I know of about my husband.

Katec, no matter what you do or say, you have absolutely no control over his choice to get (or not get) a job. He controls that, that is his responsibility. If you try to control that decision for him, he'll probably end up resenting it and give up, you'll resent having to do it and probably end up giving up, too. Many people with ADD go from job to job or experience long periods of not working at all. Some of this can be a result of clinical depression and learned helplessness (both conditions you should research). Nagging won't help and giving up completely won't help your dilemma.

What you do have the ability to control is your own temper. Learn all you can about your husband's particular type of ADD. I suggest Dr. Daniel Amen's book, "Healing ADD." Check his website, amenclinic.com, too. Look into depression and learned helplessness. The more understanding you have of the differences between your and your husband's, the better you'll be able to deal with his behaviors and communicate your needs to him.

I just can't believe that I can have no helpful (not controlling or nagging, but encouraging) influence on my husband. My anger is my problem, but it is not wrong for me to expect him to have a job ever--what I need to know is what techniques for supporting him psychologically and positively encouraging him work for people with ADD. I actually feel like finding a way to lovingly help him will in and of itself help me reduce and deal with my resentment. (It's his immediate shut-down mechanism that's driving me nuts.)

He's currently reading Driven to Distraction, but so far hasn't been bowled over by the suggestions for improvement. It has, however, led to some useful discussions between the two of us. It's just that we both still feel so lost about how to talk about this stuff and what to do. When an ADDer isn't employed, what helps him/her get employed? (I'm quite familiar with what doesn't. :rolleyes: )

Welcome to you, katec. I see how difficult your situation is. Keep in mind that I'm an ADDer who's never been married myself, but, from that perspective, it seems to me the key question is "Is he persuing treatment?" If the answer is "Yes," then I'd say supporting him with that while working toward the goal of moving out of his mom's house would be the best course.

If not, then you have much more unpleasant choices to make. You could become the parent, as you say, but that doesn't seem like a great idea to me, either. Other possibilities are much more unpleasant in the short term, but might work out better for you in the long term, such as selling the house and separating until he decides to get treated. I'm sure there are other options, but I don't see many.

People here like to claim that ADD is an advantage to them. I can believe that if the people saying so are functional adults, but it sounds like your husband isn't. It sounds like he needs treatment, maybe not just for ADD but for depression.

I really hope there's another option that I missed, because it's obvious you're in love with your husband. There's no real way you can help him, though, unless he accepts your help.

When an ADDer isn't employed, what helps him/her get employed? (I'm quite familiar with what doesn't. :rolleyes: )

as an ADDer, i'll answer the question from my perspective. what helped me get empolyed? or rather, what helped me *want* to get employed?

i had to find something that i love to do. it wasn't enough to do something that would put food on the table, etc. the job, in and of itself, has to be fulfilling - it has to mean something to me. i need to feel like the part i'm playing matters to someone other than myself (i'm working on that part, ideally, it would be enough that it makes me happy).

so, the job benefits, paycheck, extraneous goals, etc. are all less important than finding my true calling. because, if i can find something that i can believe i will do well, that i make a difference, that i enjoy. then it's not a job, it's not something i *have* to do.

so, it starts with a personal journey. what am i good at? what do i love to do? what makes me happy?

it seems quite egocentric to put it in terms of me-me-me. but, let's face it. a hallmark of ADD is that we are motivated to do those things that interest us.

does your husband know what his true calling is? does he have a dream? is there a way that you can encourage him to follow his dream rather than focusing on the "we need money" part of it? because, while being practical is a commendable trait. it is not necessarily what appeals to our natural inclination -- which, for me anyway, is to make a difference. to feel like what i'm doing matters.

for me the experience of getting my resume together, taking a class, and getting on the list as a substitute teacher has whetted my appetite. i feel like i *could* make a difference in the lives of students. that obstacle that remains is the dealing-with-adults part. i'm still so unsure of whether or not i'd be able to handle the paper work, lesson planning, communicating with parents, dealing with administrators/other teachers part of the job. so, while subbing may seem to some like it is less than "what i am capable of" it feels like a safe, attainable goal to me - for now. and, despite that others have told me "you'd be a great teacher" in the end, *i* am the one that has to believe that.

do you think your husband may be afraid of failing? of getting a job but failing at it? or of trying to fufill a dream - only to discover it was the wrong dream? those may be other reasons holding him back.

you see, for me anyway, it's not that the practical things aren't important. it's that not making a bill payment, or, disappointing my spouse (also a non-ADDer, who, i believe is much like you in that, no matter if i'm a disappointment, he'll continue to shake his head or whatever, but, he won't leave me. not sure what he sees worth sticking around for, but, i'm confident that he is what he says he is. dependable.) those things are much less scary to me than finding out that i really am i loser.....

who knows if this even applies to your husband or not. it is, after all, the reasons why *i* get stalled when pursuing my dream.

so, i guess what it boils down to for me is that a job isn't *just* a job - a means to an end, a paycheck. a job is part of what defines me. and, if i don't try, it's because i am afraid of finding out that i am what my negative self believes. a failure.

so, i'm not editing this stream-of-conscience writing. i'm going to post it. because, if nothing else, it is my truth.

He's been to a doctor once, and missed his second appointment yesterday. Lol. Actually, given how many years he'd been like this, the last few months have been a big improvement, and the pressure of the house purchase seems to have motivated that. Another glitch is that I know that he has the ability to concentrate and be productive if he wants to be; he spends full days working on a political project that we're involved in. There's something about the responsibility of being paid or the expectation that comes with it that just makes him curl up and space out.

So what kind of support is okay for a person who could easily be nagged to death? ;) What would you respond well to?

Hi Katec,

Welcome! I"ve read all the posts so far and there have been some really great points made.I'm of the feeling that if you are not getting movement and are frustrated and it sounds to me like your husband may be also you need to do something different.

I understand why you might be very focussed on him getting a job, but there are a number of factors at work against this happening, I think, and maybe one of them is that your husband may be depressed as has been suggested, but also may be opposing you even subconciously, might as I would if I feel pressured into something (anything actually) whether I want it or not.

I cannot pressure, drive, order, insist on anything like this with my add friend, and that became clear early on. He can deal with reasonable discussions and deadlines almost always and definitely has his heart in the right place, but sometimes stuff will not happen and that is not necessarily the way he wants it to be, just the way it is.

Anyway, in addition to the other ideas mentioned above, and finding out yourself as much as possible about ADD, I think something you might find useful is a counsellor who has had experience dealing with partner and add issues.

You might have to break your current cycle of behaviour.

Not that I worship Dr. Phil but he always says: so how's that behaviour working for you? to a guest with problems and they always say....not very well. I think about that every day in my own life, something to consider...

Hope this helps!

wheezie,

Thank you--that sounds a whole lot like my husband. You sound like you're really on a good track. (Congratulations. :) )

My guy has dreams of grandeur, I think. Books he wants to write, political ideas, etc. It's just that the work between where he is now (no work history, and an ageing college degree) and where he'd have to be to do those things (maybe a grad degree, at least a little professional history) doesn't interest him at all. He's always been smart enough to not work (know the type?), but eventually you have to put some effort in. And that's the difficulty.

What got you to the point of writing your resume? That's really a sticking point for us...

Kate - Believe me, I have been exactly where you are now with an ADD husband who wasn't working. The harder I pushed and the more I nagged the worst things got. I can't make your decisions for you but I can tell you a few things that have worked for me.

First, I got counseling on my own. I, too, was extremely angry and frustrated but I felt like I had to walk on eggshells to not harm his self-eseem. I didn't realize it but my husband can and was being pretty manipulative and I was letting him get away with a lot. Counseling helped me understand how to make sure my own needs are being met in the relationship and how to express my frustrations in a more appropriate manner. Couples therapy did not work for us. We find that the better we do as individuals, the better we do as a couple.

Second, my husband is ACTIVELY participating in medication and therapy. His psychiatrist and therapist are working with him on the ADD issues. This has relieved me of being the nagger to a large extent and he is more receptive to their input (rather than me screaming at him) and has the advantage of their expertise. I still get pretty frustrated with him but now I feel like I can tell him what frustrates me and he has someone outside to help him with it.

Third, you might have to reconsider your housing plans to get out of his mother's house. It may not be likely that his employment opportunites are going to be stable in the short term so I would go with housing that you can afford on your income.

I hope this has helped you. I do know how you feel and it can get better with work and help. Best of luck!

EXCELLENT post, KarenC - I whole-heartedly agree.

Thank you. This is helping a lot.

To add one more wrinkle though, I've just learned that my mother-in-law plans to issue an ultimatum because she doesn't like having him in her house not working. Job by next month or we can't live there. AND she asked me not to warn him. I understand her position (too well), but I'm desperately afraid of the consequences. Just when I try to lay off, she exerts pressure. Oh man.

Kate - what are you afraid will happen when his mother tells him this?

He'll ignore it because he always assumes that she won't follow through on things (which isn't always the case), and also because his nature is to wait until a crisis is imminent. Mostly I'm afraid that he'll just get even more set against working (he's a really serious contrarian), and that since the ultimatum also concerns my having a place to live, it'll put even more strain on our relationship.

Hi Katec,
i have adhd (but i'm a woman, so maybe we men & women are diff. about all of this)
and i in the past have accused my husband of being a total nag.
the whole: your mother in law is going to give him an ultimatum - he probably deserves it. At least it will be from his mother and not you. it could make him buck b/c he is being oppositional perhaps..
my bet is that he is probably deppressed and that he needs to be more committed to making improvements in your relationship.
i agree w/ the karen c above who tells you to get your own counseling. i think its a great idea b/c you need someone who isn't going to be judgemental about you and attend your own concerns about your relationship and your own behavior. you need someone in your own corner in otherwords.
i can certainly see how maddening it would be to have a husband like yours...my husband is non adhd and i have serious temptations to freak on him b/c he is very nonchalant about finding anything out about adhd. he responds "why should i? you're a walking record of everything you read and you just play like a tape recorder..."
so yeah..its not fun. we adhd'ers even have some gripes about our spouses' inability to do something helpful in a relationship.

you're under a lot of pressure. i had to live w/ my in laws for a year b/c we moved to houston so that my husband could work in the fam. business and we were waiting for our house to be built-and we had a son less than a year old. it was hell.
my inlaws are great-but as you know-any reasonable adult does NOT LIKE living w/ their parents!!! its absolutely stressful. even in the best of situations..and even privacy can be an issue.

good luck on everything...i hope that your husband comes around and realizes that you just want the best for BOTH of you. maybe if you can calmly state that you're looking out for your marriage and the both of you he might feel less vulnerable and like you're just pointing fingers.

Thanks. The frustrating thing is my lack of ammunition--he knows I'll never leave him, and I want him to know that. But at the same time, it means that he thinks he can get away with anything. Explaining that having a miserable and disappointed wife would be at least as bad as being left hasn't really gotten me anywhere.

I feel so bad about riding him all the time, but particularly now when I know that we have this impending disaster with his mom I just feel desperate to motivate him before she strikes. Maybe her thing will work, I don't know. But I doubt it, and I hate this, and I just want to believe what I believed before I knew that he had this problem. I thought I could depend on him. I really miss that.

Dear Kate,
I am having a hard time trying to decide how to respond to your posts. I think my biggest concern is not for you husband, but for you. I can understand it when you say you love him, youa re very young and your ideal of love and marriage is ingrained in you still, but I do not understand when you say you will never leave him. Are you prepared to live a life exactly like what you see now? Do you have any signs that life is going to get any better as time passes? Do you really think you deserve this life?

Do you deserve to be treated the way you have been treated? At the very least I would say he is being very disrespectful to you and at the most, he is being emotionally abusive to you. It sounds to me that you have expressed your concerns about your future together and your concerns about his actions or inactions as they may be, but he has done nothing to step up to the plate and reassure you that things will get better. To me, that is not okay.

Now, in defense that this may get better....You said he is newly diagnosed. What is the plan of action for this diagnosis? You already mentioned he missed his second appt. Why? Has he made a new appt yet? Does he plan to pursue medication as a treatment option? Will he be willing to engage in therapy or with a coach to help him through his struggles?

It is my opinion that unless and until he is willing to do the above, this situation will never improve. It cannot improve without his taking some steps to do so. It may have some good days now and then, but he will always drift back to what you see now. HE is the only one who can help him. It is very often that pwADHD have comorbid conditions such as depression and need medication to help that too. It sounds pretty likely that he has depression also.

How much have you read about ADD? Knowledge is power.

Now, what you can do for him is to help him get to his apppointments, help him figure out what his plan of action will be for this disorder and support him in this plan. I have found that very often if I am willing to make an initial appointment my husband is grateful to me for doing it. They sometimes just cannot remember to do it and when they do reemember it is always when office is closed or they are not at a place to call and make appt. You may need to constantly remind him about the appts also. If he perceives this as nagging, too bad.

You also have to learn to chose your battles with him. For example, if he is the one who pays the bills and he forgets to pay the electric and it gets shut off, well you are directly affected by this and I personally would not let that happen. I would pay the electric bill. But, if he is the one who has a date with his guy friends to go to a ball game and he forgets it, well, it is his consequences to pay not yours. It is not up to you to remind him of all these things. Does that make any sense?

You have to set boundaries and stick to them. After a while he will catch on and he will know what crap you will take and what you won't.

As far as your mother in law is concerned, I bet she has put up with this stuff from her son forever and she is very tired of it. It is too bad they did not discover ADD ages ago in him. Do you think she too is ADD? or his father? or siblings? You know she has the right to demand a job or get out. What are his consequences of not doing so. Probably to sell your "dream house" for now. Is he willing to give that up? For you, it would be a heartbreaker, but not the end of the world. You may have to let the chips fall where they may.

He is a college grad. Are their jobs available in his field? Obviously he can work if he can devote all his time to a political paper or whatever it was.

I have rambled too long. if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask. Did you ask to get into the private NONAdd forum?

First and foremost take care of yourself. If you don't you will get to a point where all this will make you sick, likely depressed and all sorts of things. Too many of us spouses have been there so I know of what I speak. Trust me.

FYI-I just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary. It has been a struggle, I have many stories to tell, but obviously, I have come to a place where I/We believe we have a good marriage. Not perfect, but good.

What got you to the point of writing your resume? That's really a sticking point for us...

part of my journey started here, at ADDF. http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4371&page=2&pp=15

what got me to want to write the resume was personal. i can't remember the feelings except in the vaguest of terms. i wasn't happy with the mundane aspects of housework, but, i love being available to my kids. next year both kids will be in school full time. i knew that being an empty-nester would be a hard transition for me because with them gone, i'm left with the mundane parts of my job -- the parts i'm terrible at!

basically i was more afraid of being alone than i was of being a failure at teaching. fear - maybe not the best motivator, but, it worked for me.... :rolleyes:

in the end, *i* had to make the decision. nothing anyone else could say or do made any difference until i felt confident enough to take the first step. my friend's and husband's support help build up my confidence until i was ready to take a risk.

i think that the hard part for anyone watching this process is that it's an internal one. once i was writing the resume, editing it, etc. others could see "an effort being made." but prior to that, i *was* making an effort, it's just that no one else can see the wheels turning. *and*, it's not something i can verbalize. i can write about it, but talking about it is a completely different story!

i do have a lot of empathy for you kate. it is so frustrating not understanding *why* someone isn't doing what they should be doing (happens to me all the time, especially in traffic! ;) ). but, since you can't change your husband (only he can do that) i agree with the other's suggestions about looking into support for yourself. if you can get a little perspective, maybe something new will pop out at you. perhaps in seeing you take care of yourself, your husband will be inspired to do the same. but, if things *don't* change, can you continue on like you have been? try to be honest with yourself about that.

have you thought about or tried *writing* to him as a way of communicating? you express yourself very clearly here and it might help take some of the tension away from the discussions about his responsibilities. he might feel less pressured because he wouldn't have to respond immediately, he'd have time to process, and write you back - or something. i'm just brainstorming here.

what got me to actually *write* the resume and take the other "small steps" was the encouragement and help breaking down the tasks and setting small goals from the folks at this forum.

good luck, kate. i hope you can find peace in whatever the future holds.

wheezie

Thank you both. I had a major meltdown last night, so your predictions to worry about myself are rather humorously accurate this morning. I'm looking into therapy to find out how to deal with this stuff, and my husband actually made a joint appointment for us with his therapist in a couple of weeks.

I said that I will never leave him because I do mean that. I believe (for me and for him) that a vow is a vow, and wouldn't be necessary if it didn't mean sticking around when you'd rather leave. (Barring abuse, of course.) And I don't mean to have portrayed him as a horrible person--I wouldn't have married him if he were. In truth, and in combination with his ADD, he is the smartest, kindest, most honorable and loving person I know. He is having a major problem in his head, and it's my duty (and my pleasure, I hope, years from now) as his wife to find ways to help him and to work with him to keep our relationship strong. I simply refuse to believe that nothing will change--I don't need a miracle, just an improvement.

As for the family stuff, it's all complicated. (Whose isn't?) Yes, his mom has ADD (undiagnosed, I think, but it's my impression that her 30+ years on antidepressants and mood stabilizers would have masked some of the most debilitating symptoms). She certainly does have a right to tell him to work or get out--I'm just nervous about the consequences. (As far as our house goes, my current worst-case-scenario thinking is to keep it and move myself, telling him that he can join me when he can contribute.)

I actually have a lot of frustration with his parents for not paying enough attention to see what he was going through as he grew up--they just weren't around, and when the results came in (like report cards), they'd yell at him for underachieving. Period--even knowing their own problems and his sister's difficulties (also medicated). It was nearly brain-dead parenting. Now he's stuck in what seems like normal post-college flailing made paralyzing by this disorder. He is not interested in medication, but has been warming to the idea a little. (A good friend of ours is trying ritilin and reporting good things).

Writing is a great suggestion, and I'll try that. First though I'm going to try to give him a break and just have a nice weekend together. We both have to remember how happy we are together outside of this problem. Thank you all so much for the support and advice you've given me over just the last 24 hours. I really feel like you've given me the perspective to separate my problems from his and start dealing them all properly.

you sound much more hopefull today and thats great!...
i've been married for four years (i'm 29.) but i've been with my husband and living with him since i was 18.
one of the many things i've learned: if i have a problem-he has a problem.
in a marriage it just isn't 'your' problem..and anyway i have a feeling that you're issues have everything to do with his adhd..and this is why i'm sure we are all suggesting you get your own support..b/c everyone needs support.
its hard as an adhd'er to recognize that our spouses might think, still yet after all of our failures, that we do have 'good' characteristics...
as a woman i've spent many a moment in tears b/c i just heard negative things from my husband, especially before my diagnosis, he too is extremely warm and caring- the best man i've ever known..
we gotta do what we gotta do though!
its tough.

Kate - I'm not a therapist or psychiatrist but having been in a similar situation myself, I think you might need some help with anxiety. The tone of your posts and the urgency you are feeling is very much like what I went through a couple of years ago during a really bad patch. My feelings of anxiety made me feel as though I were on pins and needles and heightened minor frustrations into major temper tantrums. I'm normally a pretty calm person but anxiety turned me into someone with a short fuse and a near violent temper.

I started therapy on my own and took medication for about a year. It helped greatly for me to gain perspective on the situation.

Hang in there! It can get better.