View Full Version : Hard times

04-17-12, 12:13 AM
I was going to write a long summary of my past ... I actually did it but my browser shut down and i lost everything. Maybe later ill do a story about my life but not now(i dont have the time nor concentration to do so)

well okay it all started mostly in highschool(while i did have a ruff start and social life.) in elementry school, school was fairly easy(i was able to get buy on my own. But with much more effort than most kids.) i always been a very bright intelegent kid it just ... School was very difficult for me cause i didnt have the abilities most of the other kids had. (i had a hard time paying attention, focusing, concentrating. I always got distracted both from outside stuff but also from my own mind and all my oceans of thought flooding my brain. I coulfnt really keep up i barely got by, but my strong efforts and dedication keapt me passing and looking good academicly but it was very difficult and i spent hours trying to teach myself thing that i couldnt learn in class cause i was alway talking, running around, socializing and annoying the crap out of both kids and students. But i was getting good grades.

I did have slot of problems socially because i was so annoying and because i was a "nerd" and i was uncool became an outcast ... Didnt have much friends so i guess i was an easy target for bullys and other ignorant followers. I was getting teased, beaten, pushed around, and i just got a lot of **** from ppl ... All during elementary school ... I remember a time when i was going to just end it. But i got distracted by a call and forgot. But i had many thought during the time. And was ashamed of my self and humiliated it was to sad and to real i didnt want to share it to ppl. And never got help. I fealt angry sad nervous depressed frustrated embarrassed and confused about everything i just cried and held it all in.

Then came middle school. school became very difficult and it was very demanding both academicly and socially i was being strained mentally ... I was barely keeping up in elementary and so i was falling back horribly and could not keep up ... No matter how much i studied it wouldnt get in like i said before. My grades were droping my parents were mad and i could no longer meet there strict above average academic demands (they were foriegn and they were hispanic and they had very demanding standerds i could no longer meet) they hit me snd were very intimidating do i started to cheat during tests and copy work from other students to meet my parents demanding expectations. And i was able to get by ... But wasnt solving the main problem(i was very worried and never really had the time to think. Socially the situation was getting worst. I was very annoying hyper social and extremely talkative .. I would always get in trouble and drove teachers nuts. I had few friends but continued getting tormented and hurt. Continued to hold it in. Continued to suffer unknowingly there was help out there.

Anyways highschool came ... Along with it more demanding academic/social requirements and responsiblity. Teachers got smart' tests grew more difficult and seemed endless ... There were different versions of the same test so it was now impossible to cheat ... So i went back and tryed on my own ... Nevergave up kept trying ... I went to tutors studied everyday for hour sometimes i wouldnt sleep but with all my efforts i kept getting distracted couldnt pay attention to the teacher or book i was reading long enoughf before i was daydreaming and thinking about sumething else. And i was very slow never got done with anything ... Never finished what i started. And if i did get something done i would lose it or forget to tutn it in. I took forever on hmwk,classwork,projects and tests i often would neverfinish, run out of time or be late. But i never gave up. And i could only watch my grades go down ...

Problems at home start ... Self esteem go down ... I fealt like a failure and the kids that were teasing me continued and they only reminded me of how bad things sucked. I fealt like a failure ... I was fustrated overwhelmed angey and very confused. All aspects of my life sucked .. I was getting in arguements at home, at school both socially and accedemically ... Evan at soccer i sucked i was always socializing and daydreaming and being stuborn and annoying being me. And i would fell so nervous when i played that i always skrewed up. And i was neverable to progress. I barely had friends at school ... Mostly neighbors that i was raised with(that did ditch me and talk about me and put me down at times) i fealt like a complete failure and like a reject. No friends ... Always teased ...

But it changed i started to hangout with somekids and they didnt mind me or reject me nor put me down. They were friends ... They were nice thought i was funny and had my back... Im not sure if they really liked me or they were just to high to realize i was lame and a loser. These kids werent the brightest cookies in the toolbox ... We shared similar problem with school and stuff ... They always got introuble and were basically all of the schools rejects and garbage all clumped together as a group. We all had tuff lives and we didnt really talk stuff out or did anything productive. They just smoked pot( i assume they couldnt handle the reality and prefered to not think about it and just cover it up) best way i can describe drugs is that its like putting down a bucket to collect the water from the damaged leaking roof ... But it doesnt fix the main problem it just temporarily covers it up. So i started hanging out with them they were nice cool people just not the right influences or rolemodels ...

They liked to smoke weed alot and offered me it manytimes but ive always rejected until one day... My life continued each day grew more difficult frustrating depressing each day. I was eating alot and to cope but thanks to my fast metabolism never got fat. I had a heard time falling and staying asleep i was always very tired sometimes i would go days without sleep... Then i started to hallucinate nd hear voices nd see horrible stuff. I fealt so confused and terrefied. I was afraid to get help or tell anyone so i tried to hide it and ignore it to prevent getting called a freak or phycho. I didnt feel in control no more i thought aliens were trying to capture me and i fealt like the government wanted to destry me. I saw aliens ufos ... Dark devolic shadows and much more all while sober 0_o... And at times i fealt like i was dreaming or i was actually in an other world. These were very horrible scary confusing times while my ****ty world just continued around me.

Eventually i accepted a puff from a friend(right after i told him to get me pills that i needed to overdose on) and i just gave up and was like "why not" as soon as the sweet warm smoke filled my lungs i started to feel happy again. I fealt back in control, i calmed down and was chill(now able to sit quietly and learn) my mind slowed down to a managable speed. My depression was wiped out along with my anxiety. I was now able to sleep and my hallucinations went away. i felt mor confident happy and a better person. I was no able to be chill and feel normal. I was able to calm down sit an focus long enoughf to learn. And dismiss distractions and concentrate ... i was now able to work at my full potential until it wore off and i had to go back to this horrible reality. Everything cameback and i once again faced reality face to face. So i just decided to be high all the time smoking everyday2-3 times a day. And life got better.

But of coarse its not free so i used my lunch money to buy it with friends. And eventually ran out ... Became sick again ... I couldnt sleep i went outside at the middle of night. Ran away from what seemed like a swarm of alien mutated human zombies and darkness screaming my name behind me. I went into a random open garage tried to take it in efforts to escape the evil darkness but there was no keys so i stole a purse with money from backseat in hopes to buy weed go to sleep and end this living nightmare. I got caught ... Police came ... I ran away ... Eventually got arrested and cuffed i was only 14 a freshmen and it was just november 2010. I was confused unknowing what was going on and it all fealt like a bad dream when it wasnt. The cop called my parents took me home and filed the arrests and i got a beating but i was in zombiemode ...

With all this crazy stuff going around me i could care less if i got arrested, got a felony, got a beating and was at risk of ******* up my future. I was just staring into space wondering what the hell just happened as the detective was trying to extract info out of me. I think really realize what was going on until i was getting drugtested and my dad found out i was doing pot. I was in a diversion program got sent to a family center disiplin school/home ... It was a 3month 24h 5day a week program with weekend breaks that you got to go home anyways i did okay there, got into trouble, the usual and finally came some kids so much worst than me that i looked good and the dicipliners just moved on to them and got of my back.

I did really good with a lot of positive info that just makes me look so good for court ... I went to court april 2011 i ended up having 2 felonys and 5 misdermeanors and all were droped but one charge the felony(burglary of a conveyence) and was foung guilty but wasnt convicted(judication withheld) due to good reports, fair grades, and all negative drug test results. I still wasnt thinking clearly ... The people at the diciplin did realize that so they recomended i see a therapist/counsiler and they asked me to go to carp drug rehab center where i would break my "bad drug seeking behavior" and i would have gotten phychiatric help too. But my dad being vary hardworking and "cheap" and refused to believe i needed treatment and that i have fully learned and it wont happen again(of couarse i agreed with it then but now realize that was a complete ignorant choice) so he told me to say i hate drugs and i just tryed it a few times and was never really addicted (that way i wouldnt qualify for the carp drug abuse inpatient treatment. (but it was all a lie i truley did need help) but hey it was going to be expensive and time consuming ... And my dad wasnt smart enoughf to invest the money for a good cause, a fixed me.

And about the thearapist/counsiler i was assigned to.. It was going really great ... We got along and understood my problems. And we were finally getting into talking about the cause of my depression(which i believe is due to the constant failure and lack of treatment of my adhd like symptoms) i say adhd like and not just adhd is because i am not completly sure ill go into more detail along the ending of this story so far. So anyways me an my counsiler were going great it was like our 5th session a we were discussing the roots of my problems. Then she told my dad and explained to him that he was raising me wrong. And its the truth she told him that he needs to open up and cummunicate more and spend time together and to not treat me like a employee but like a son. But sometimes the truth hurts and my dad refused to take me to that lady from then on. I was ****** and lost a lot of respect to him( for caring more about money than my well being a for saying that im a disappointment and that i am stipid and retarded for everything i put them thrue and sll the money and time put into my problem ... About 3grand in lawyers nd documents nd stuff and like 5 monthes of gas and time taking me to places. I do appreciate everything i love them i just get really frustrated at times with my difficulty in school nd stuff that i am never in a real good mood and often disrespect them when they call me dumb or useless or something ignorant like"just do it" ... Anc i always respond back with " dont you think i would if i could...

The problem is that i dont have that ability to just do it and if i did ... I would be completly normal and wouldnt have a problem". They all think im a bad kid and have alway diciplined me (either using force or disiplin) but i dont think they notice the fact that
No matter how mant detentions, referals, calls, hits, punishments i still wouldnt learn and i would continue.(not using my problem as an excuse but as an example of how ignorant and blind they could be at times.) and like all my family is all against me and they just assume that i like being bad and causing pain to others cause i like being a bad kid.(i cant understande how ignorant they can be and how much reason is behind the theory that kids behave bad because they like hurting others and being bad.) i believe evil doesnt exist and that if people had the ability to be good they would but they simply cant for whatever reasons- like anxiety,depression, bipolar, adhd, substance abuse, sexual abuse, physical/verbal abuse etc... What ever issue it is they need proffesional help for.

They dont understand how difficult life could be for me especially during this roff part of mylife as a teenager. So i tend to already be rebelious irresponsible and disrespectful but with all this going on at the same time its is really difficult to bottle up all that anger. But i learned that holding all this stuff in could bring horrible results like me just blowing up on someone or becoming hostile during that intense emotional meltdown. So moving on i had court on april 2011 was found guilty but i wasnt convicted (ajudication witheld) and i walk away free ... Then finnished school with reasonable grades(went back to old school from the disipline school program. And i had alot of extratime to catch up nd review.) so anyways school ended a worked all summer with my dad doing construction like work he work for himself (self employed realestate investor) and i helped cause he didnt trust me home alone all day nor did he think i deserved a break especially while he was busting his *** under the hot sun, leaving me home to be lazy would be spoiling me) summer ended school started

i was now 15 years old entering my softmore year in highschool. It was around august 2011 when school started again. Long story short: i was continueing to face the same issues i was facing during freshmen year but without anyfriends or weed to suppress and contain the pain.(my "garbage friends" ended up getting introuble as well but werent as lucky 1got arrested 3 droppedout and one killed himself. So it was much harder i kept holding in the pain and stress in ... So much stress from my family problems, grades, my future, court, friends social life, bullys, i was still punished from tge arrest, deppresion/anxiety, trouble at school. I just couldnt hold it anymore i fealt sad,angry, nervous,fustrated, confused and i couldnt hold it in much more.

And then one day i got in an arguement with my mom cause she found out about me wanting to buy some weed from a friend on facebook(i think i forgot to sign of of my sisters phone, i guess she saw it and told my mom) so my mom told me ... We started argueing ... I started telling her how i feel and she doesnt listen and says that shes gonna tell my dad( and they always blackmailed me and said that if i ever skrewd up again they would send me to a military school in colombia) so i was terrified and she said i was a pain in the *** and that she wished she never accepted my realmoms offer to raise me here in america.

(so i was heartbrokened ... I loved my stepmom more than my real mom and i developed alot of feelings for her(cause she practicly raised me unlike my realmom who gave up on me and gave me of(another reject) and when she said those words i blewup(another reject) and i said "f*** it" and rain to the medicine cabinet where i grabbed an old random bottle of pills(that i later realized were old expired oxycodines) so she was inbed at her room when this happens so i get the pills and run towards mybathroom(where all at once i am trying to lock the bathroom door as my mom is trying to break her way in the bathroom to stop me) she calls my oldersister for help ... As my sis(stepsis) comes up stairs i just give up the fight to lock the door and i focus on getting as many pills inside my mouth as possible(and i chewed and crushed them in efforts for it to be as quick as possible). But no my sister slams thru the door just in time as i was chewing my first mouthful and slaps the bottle out of my hand and slaps me as i cry. I was able to swallow it and was convincing them not to call 911 ... But they do so anyways ... I start feeling the effects(everything around me slowed down and i felt so confused ... I could hear my slow heart beat slowing down with each slow breath i take in abd out. The paramedics arrive nd i black out from there and remember short bits of the ambulence nd hospital ... I wake up hospitalized recovering from the overdose and waiting for the drug to leave my body. (all of a sudden my mom acts nice and caring and understaning. Im guessing because she must feel like **** knowing that everybody else knows my suicide had to do with her)

she was caring and nice while it lasted ...(but today she acts
Like that never happened and when reminded about it, refers it at me wanting attention or me being spoiled.) but i wish she wouls aknowledge how i feel and howmuch she hurt me. Or to atleast try to give me someunderstanding and support that i need during these tuff times. So i end up in phychiatric hospital for some days. I am immedietly labeled majordepression disorder as if i was a jar of food ... Without even asking me how i feel and why. Then tey put me on trazadone 50mg celexa100mg and adderall 5mg (cause i wouldnt pay attention but didnt do much cuz my body tolerated that low dose) and my parents are called i get discharged and my dad is mad at me and tells me that he doesnt care and he told me to never pull another stunt like that again and i was like wtf? But later stopped caring beacause i realized they are too old and dont have the openmindness to understand.

So i go to school ... Principle finds out they start helping me With accamodations and sum "benefits" and i get a counsiler to talk to... Then i go to my phychiatristand he takes me off adderall and celexa and puts me on wellbuitrin 100mg xr seroquel 50mg xr and trazadone 50mg and i dont even have a clue what all these drugs are. He doesnt evan explain. Or ask me anything or explain interactions or side effects.So i go to pharmacy pick up wellbuiton and trazadone but not seroquel because my insurance refuses coverage. So i take the wellbuitrin but nuthing ... I wait then finally at 2 weeks it starts making me (manic) then i start feeling super happy and become delusional and begin to hallucinate. I finally get the seroquel and it doesnt do much but knock you out to sleep. And you wake up feeling like a zombie. But only until i ate breakfast. And it didnt stop my drug induced mania or phychosis ... My halucinations continues until i accidently toldy counsiler i was seeing stuff and tried to commit suicide.( i saw a dead mutated baby coming at me while home alone getting a snack after hours of trying to study. So i frlt in danger so i kicked it, when i hear it bark i realize it was actualy peewee and i got scared and tryed to hang myself but i decided to stay calm a chill with music nd it helped). So i get kicked out of school and i have to go to the hospital again.

04-17-12, 12:38 AM
A hepful hint to increase your chance for responses.....we'd love to read your post and give you feedback, but the wall of text makes that pretty near impossible for a lot of us. If you could break it down into smaller paragraphs, that would help more of us be able to help you. :)

04-17-12, 01:56 AM
I'm not a psychiatrist but your early childhood sounds similar to mine (and I was on ritalin the whole time) minus the Overdose incident... anyway, I'm pretty sure the best answer for you is to see a psychiatrist. Don't feel offended, crazy, or deficient.. you are who you are. I was lucky, I got in so much trouble at 6 years old my parents were told, "Take him to a doctor or he's expelled." That was pretty much it, from 6 years old to 25 years old, diagnosed ADHD/ADD and the rest is history. The important thing to remember is your parents care, your friends and family care, they just may not understand the right way to help you. Sometimes you know when somethings wrong and it's up to you as an individual to find the right answer.