As I understand it, people with overfocused ADHD have trouble shifting focus and get "stuck" on behaviors. For the past few weeks, my dw and I have been working on figuring out what she calls the "internal dialogue" that shuts down her desire to have sex with me. She's a high desire person, but it when it comes time to be intimate with me, she withdraws. She "thinks" I'm attractive, but doesn't "feel" it. She recently described it as having a 4-cylinder engine that only runs on 3 cylinders. When she needs to shift into the higher gear, to rev the engine, "it's just not there."

After months of talking about this, she finally realized (or admitted) to a few negative things she focuses on when we are approaching intimacy. She thinks of one or two sexual encounters we've had that turned out to be unpleasant for her. Thinking of those incidents causes her anxiety and essentially, turns her off. She's also (understandably)turned off by any unpleasant odors. I'm encouraged by this, because these incidents causing her anxiety can be addressed and avoided in the future. And there's only one or two incidents in over ten years of being together... We may need to address some of these with a sex counselor, but I'm hopeful since these admissions are finally coming to light.

What I'm wondering is, has anyone else heard of (or experienced) a similar problem with overfocus on one or two negative thoughts shutting down intimacy?

I have a fantastic drive but if hubby moves too fast I'm not quite ready, I have to be warmed up a bit. My mind wasn't there, I was doing something else.

Start earlier in the day. S*xy little e-mails or love notes, whisper sweet somethings in her ear when you call. Get her in the mood ahead of time, a glass of wine with dinner, start with a massage...take a shower when you get home from work...in brief...be irrisistable. I'm not entirely convinced this is an ADD thing, but you're gonna have fun trying.

I'm the same way. If I get drawn into it, and I can shift gears, there's no problems whatsoever. If my wife tries to just jam it into "gogogo" though, I resist and can't switch over. There doesn't have to be any unpleasant experiences to focus on, just an inability to shift focus into it.

I hate talking about what, where, how during arsousal, it distracts me. Especially being asked to change position, it feels too clinical, turns me off.

I was just told by a friend that ADD/ADHD causes people to not be able to achieve the big O. He said that Concerta makes it possible now and it's a common thing for all ADD people. Is this true? I have ADHD and trust issues. I'm thinking the combo of the two is a problem for me. I'm plannning to go back on Concerta mid Feb and I'm not in a relationship now (just finished a short one with another ADDer) but I would love to have the big O anytime I want not just under the influence of mind numbing substances...if that makes sense.

The smell thing has got to me. I have trouble telling my husband what's bugging me. It's hard for me to express to him smells bother me I don't want to hurt his feeling and I don't want to seem picky. I have tried to hint but that doesn't work. He smokes and the smells from his work turn me off long before we even get to the intimacy !

I don't have troubles shifting gears, I'm the one who tends to move fast.....

Have you tried suggesting foreplay in the shower or tub? If you brush your teeth first, just hand him his brush with toothpaste on it. If he looks at you funny just say "I'm not kissing a man with no teeth, take care of 'em." Or whatever he might find amusing. My hubby makes an all-gums no-teeth mouth and tries to say "wha you mean?" Just a thought. Or some kama sutra massage oils (some is ok to taste). Ok, stopping now before this is moved to the private section.

As I understand it, people with overfocused ADHD have trouble shifting focus and get "stuck" on behaviors. For the past few weeks, my dw and I have been working on figuring out what she calls the "internal dialogue" that shuts down her desire to have sex with me. She's a high desire person, but it when it comes time to be intimate with me, she withdraws. She "thinks" I'm attractive, but doesn't "feel" it. She recently described it as having a 4-cylinder engine that only runs on 3 cylinders. When she needs to shift into the higher gear, to rev the engine, "it's just not there."

After months of talking about this, she finally realized (or admitted) to a few negative things she focuses on when we are approaching intimacy. She thinks of one or two sexual encounters we've had that turned out to be unpleasant for her. Thinking of those incidents causes her anxiety and essentially, turns her off. She's also (understandably)turned off by any unpleasant odors. I'm encouraged by this, because these incidents causing her anxiety can be addressed and avoided in the future. And there's only one or two incidents in over ten years of being together... We may need to address some of these with a sex counselor, but I'm hopeful since these admissions are finally coming to light.

What I'm wondering is, has anyone else heard of (or experienced) a similar problem with overfocus on one or two negative thoughts shutting down intimacy?
Mike, I'm an overfocused type, but like Eyeforgot, I have no problems with drive at all; au contraire, my husband is going to die a good death.

I can only speak for myself and tell you that when I go to bed, my husband has ALL my attention, and it's quality attention. If I cannot give him that, it's due to tiredness or stress from other things outside of he and I.

I have no problems with intimacy at all, including the act of making love.

But now I think of it, we really have our bedroom set up very cavelike in atmosphere. We create intimacy in that room. The second we walk in there, it is as if the rest of the world does not exist. This is done with very careful decorating, and design. We also use candles, scented oils [I spray sheets with perfume].......and all is............ummmmm.......very good :D

I feel your wife's anxiety is not ALL ADHD based. Just a gut feeling, but it comes over that way to me.

The little notes, and small ways you can show her love, are in fact a form of foreplay.......it's sad many more people don't use this in their marriages, but it certainly works. Making sure you compliment her, making sure she feels very special to you.......these are all ways to build an intimate bond, and yet a big place that many fail; and I mean men and women.

I also don't think my husband is attractive. I know he is, and I sure feel it.
[Andrei, do not get a big head if you read this!]
I hope she compliments you regularly....sends you small love notes now and then. You need the intimate/emotional love too.

Just my 50 cents :)

If Ok, stopping now before this is moved to the private section.
:eek: .............lol:eek:

Can someone please help me out here. I'm new to this site and I am having some real trouble in my new relationship with an ADHD man.

We've been together for 2 months now. The first month, the sex was incredible...in fact the best I've ever had but once the first month was past, something changed. He has become less attentive, more sarcastic, and the sex went from every couple days to almost non exsistant.

He seems to avoid getting intimate with me because he is so overfocused on doing other things. Sex or affection is not a priority for him since he wants to accomplish a million other things throughout the day.

Again before it would last a couple hours and he was very focused on me and now lasts 5 - 10 min. and it's all about him getting off, not me anymore. He is very dominant in the bedroom and wants his "woman" to be a tramp in bed which is fine for me but there is zero intimacy anylonger. I feel like an object not the woman he loves. Forplay is non-existant now. He feels like I am pressuring him when I tell him how much I miss being with him and that I need more affection and attention. I am a very passionate person and like to be kissed and held and am into the whole romance thing. He finds it boring to "make love" or as he calles it "vanillia sex" and wants to act out his fantazies which are pretty taboo to most people. It's almost like each time we have sex, it has to be more wild then the last time. To be honest, I have concidered agreeing to some of his fantisies because I know how much it turns him on which in turn...turns me on and I trust him that he would never put me in a situation that would hurt me, but if we can't connect on an emotional intimate level, how can we progress as a couple? In the 2 months we've been together, we've never even made out! I keep begging him to kiss me but he thinks a few pecks are good enough.

I feel like my needs arn't being met in this relationship and I don't know how to make him understand without hurting his feelings. I'm truly in-love this man and outside of this issue, he is amazing, but I need to feel his affection. I know he loves me but I want him to make the effort like he did a month ago. I was stuck in a marrige for 10 yrs before him where my needs wern't being met and I don't think its fair to myself to comprimise what I want just to please him. (Btw..I'm 38 and he's 41)

Is there anyone that can offer advice on how to save this relationship and get him to comprimise and not be afraid to show me some affection?

Just a footnote: he also is addicted to porn and stories...which doesn't bother me.

(He is on Meds...Viavance & Wellbutrin)

Thank you

Google GGG or Good, Generous and Game. Basically sex is a two way street, you have every right to have your desires fullfilled, especially if you are fullfilling your guys fantasies. Give and take or you get nothing.

A mistake that people make about sex Is assuming that you're going to be super turned on the whole time. The fact of the matter is that during a session, especially a long one, There is going to the ups and downs. Doing something for your partner means possibly doing something that doesn't make you hot. But then you switch and your partner does something for you, even if it means loosing his erection.

It's up to you to be open and honest about what you like and don't like. It's up to your partner to do the same. Then you work out something fair to both of you.

I am somewhat hesitant on helping the other side out on this issue, but you may want to consider reading a book by Sherry Argov. google her you will find the book. I am a firm believer that we teach people how we want to be treated. This book should help. My wife bought it for my daughter to help her relize her role in a less than healthy relationship.

Best of luck to you....

Dakota, it is sadly quite common for ADHD males, who generally have short attention spans, to lose interest in physicality or intimacy after a period of time. It thus makes sense that he continually looks for wilder sex to keep him interested; this is the best way he can feed his dopamine rush as the 'same old' stuff quickly loses it's ability to activate the healthy neurological response for him. It is also the reason many ADHDers like pornography. One of the benefits of ADHD drugs often is an improvement in neurological responses to 'normal' stimuli so the instant or high adrenal dopamine response isn't craved as much. Clearly this is not happening in his case.

He should probably do 2 things; first see his Doc, explain openly this issue, and try some other drug combinations, and second, get some learning or therapy around causes and reactions for ADHD behaviors so he can understand and try to address some of these things that can be so problematic for relationships. He really needs to work on this or you will never have a decent intimate relationship. If he doesn't understand and accept what negative behaviors can stem from ADHD he can't see them when they arise and arrest the behavior. On the other hand, the opposite can happen and you can wind up with a pretty terrific spouse.

Good luck with this!

I'm also going to add that while it is absolutely fine if he prefers to be dominant in the bedroom and you enjoy being submissive, it does not mean that you relinquish your right to be satisfied; you take your enjoyment from different roles and it is each partners job to ensure the other is satisfied with the experience (assuming it is physically and emotionally healthy). If you are not, then either the roles are not working or one is being selfish (as in your case) and as such your partner needs to know that he is being selfish. If he does not accept that the tap gets shut off, and then you'll have to watch that the porn does not become compulsive.

We've been together for 2 months now.

Again before it would last a couple hours and he was very focused on me and now lasts 5 - 10 min. and it's all about him getting off, not me anymore.


I don't think ADD or his meds is the issue here. The behavior you describe is usually what happens at 6 months or 2 years or something like that, not 1 MONTH.

The only ADD portion I see is the seeking stimulation via hardcore sex. This sex is usually pretty hallow and much more about a "rush" than it is about intimacy, as is demonstrated by him not even wanting to kiss you.

I am sorry to say that this guy doesn't seem emotionally interested in you.

What OTHER activities do you engage in together as a couple? Do you actually go on DATES and enjoy time and activities together?
What do you imagine would happen if you simply stopped permitting sex to happen and just directly stated that "this is not working for ME and sex is supposed to be a mutual act, so until I see some effort or interest for my needs from you, I don't think I will let you USE me"?
If your gut reaction is "well he would stop calling or seeing me" then you know this is a bad relationship.

Never give someone more time and respect than they give you, especially this early in a relationship, if you are giving too much of yourself and getting nothing back, this is a bad trade off and you need to look out for yourself. Unless he is "in love" with you, he simply will not have enough emotional investment to really make any changes to fix this for you.

havnt had bad experiences to pop in my head to worry about and shut down. if anything, ill probably still be on when its done. but i dont know that yet

I'm a overfocused type and have a hard time with intimacy. Kissing really bothers me I can't stop thinking about plaque and the slaliva. And my husbands breath usually stinks even after brushing his teeth. I know it really hurts his feelings and I really try to pretend that I like it. I try to hold my breath but I can't help but make the gross face. I don't know what to do. My husband also is the type where he is ready all the time and comes on very fast. I can't handle it, I don't like being touched without warning. I don't like when he slaps me on the butt or other stuff. It just bothers me, I don't know what to do. And I think it hurts his feeling that I'm never the one to start anything.