This is a bit of a vent. I'm really angry and frustrated with my husband. He's been in treatment for about three years now. He working part-time and money is very tight. We've been left thousands of dollars in debt because of graduate school fees that he incurred. He thought these were supposed to be reimbursed by his employer but had he checked more carefully, he would have found that they were not. He didn't complete the program and stopped going to class without telling me. He can't re-enroll because he flunked out.

Yesterday we received a noticed that he missed a therapy appointment which will cost us $135.00 out of pocket at a time when we really can't afford it. This is the fifth time this has happened and every time he blames the doctors office for changing the schedule on him.

There are also several other problems besides the financial irresponsibility that I'd rather not elaborate on at this point but this is definately the straw that broke the camel's back.

I've done more than my part to accommodate him and his needs but I just don't feel like I'm getting very much out of this relationship. I've read all the books and I've been very supportive but I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever see results from all of this treatment?

When do I get to be understood? When does he learn to accommodate me? When will I stop feeling like his mother?

Karen,

I'm only at the beginning of this process, so the best I can offer is the advice and optimism of a newcomer.

The first thing that comes to mind in reading your post is to separate your finances as much as possible (although this may be too late to help). Refuse go into debt with him jointly, and do not allow him to put up any joint property as collateral for loans. My husband and I have discussed (and will soon implement) a strict budget in which I give him a (very) small amount of cash for the month, and hold myself to the same financial restrictions. Any money that he brings in will add to our spendable income, and he knows that I will simply not fund credit card bills above the budget. It's his credit report that's in danger, not mine.

In terms of mothering, that's tougher. What I'm trying right now is an organized campaign to ignore the little things. I'm not nagging him to clean, shop, do dishes, remember appointments, or pick up his socks. I feel relieved and so does he--sometimes to the point of doing those things without being asked. My real strategy, though, is to minimize the mothering category so I can concentrate on the things that really matter to me--a job is #1. Our talks have become less frequent (which is good) and less stressful (which is great). If I were you, I would simply pull back on the parenting that frustrates you, even to the point of telling him that he has to contribute more to rent/mortgage or live somewhere else. Just be calm about it, if you can--hearing extreme things from a rational person seems to make even an ADDer sit up and listen.

Good luck.

Kate

Thanks, Kate! I'm feeling a little less ****ed off today. I decided to focus on the most immediate problem - employment - and work on the others once the financial situation is stablized. I think I'm letting my frustration about that color my perception of other issues.