View Full Version : Do You Ever Worry That You Are "Bad"


Joker_Girl
05-08-12, 11:03 AM
I KNOW there is a thread about this somewhere, i in fact am sure i have responded to it, but ill be darned if i can find it.

Anyhow, maybe this isnt allowed because i am kind of talking about religion, but sort of not because its just me....

My dad died, now it is a little over a month but my heart still hurts for it. I miss him so much. I had to put my dog to sleep that same day and sometimes when i am between sleep and wake i will think i hear her, or i will "feel" her around me.

I feel that my Dad and my dog are in Heaven. I hope some day i will see them again, but i fear that i will not. Because i, for some reason I cant explain, know that I am doomed to Hell.

I do not know why, but you know, I think it had something to do with my first step mom. My mom died when i was 6 and my dad remarried when i was 10 i think in part so i would have a mom. I was very excited about this at first but soon I knew she hated me. Then i was angry because she had fooled me into thinking she cared about me. I remember one time when i was about 11 her and my dad had went to the dance and i stayed home. When they got home, dad was outside putting the car away and she came into my room where i was asleep and hit me in the head and woke me. Then she yells, "You have had a man here, you are a little wh*re!" I didnt know what that meant but i was scared to death. Found out i had left two glasses in the sink so she thought one of them belonged to a man. So weird!

Anyways, she always done like this to me, she would tell me horrible stuff like, "your brother who died was your moms favorite, your other brother is your dads favorite, but i dont guess you are anyones favorite....maybe the dogs!" or she would say, "You little wh*re if you get yourself pregnant (what a feat that would have been! LOL.) you better just keep walking because you arent welcome here, unless you fall down and kill it." I did not know why i would get pregnant since i was like 13 at the time, but all i knew was she hated me. Since she was big into church and was a Christian, I was the bad one. I would never tell my dad what happened because i didnt want to make trouble, but sometimes i would ask Jesus what i had done wrong to deserve this and there was no answer only more suffering so i grew to believe God hated me and she was a Christian and i was on "the other side".

I remember one time when I was in college she killed my dog. She also convinced my dad once that I was a drug addict (i had not done drugs at that point but i was scared to death because i knew no one would believe me) and that i needed put in rehab....I was so scared i hid at a friends for a week so i did not get thrown in rehab. She also once convinced my dad I had "turned gay" because i had a female roommate. LOL. When she found out i was getting married, she said, "well you dont LOOK pregnant, why dont you do the world a favor and just abort it?" I wasnt pregnant. She mistook that for being the reason i was getting married and it wasnt.

When i was 23 they divorced, when i was 26 my dad remarried to the current crazy b*tch. She, too, is a "Christian" and always tells me how bad I am.

I dont know what i do that is so bad, I dont go to church anymore, or not very often, but I still saw myself as a Christian. Just not a very good one.

I think a lot about how i wish i was good but dont know how to be. I think about the 10 commandments and i think i really havent gone against them. I have lied sometimes but nothing big, and i was sorry for it. I have tried to honor my stepmothers even though they have made it hard. I wonder if i would be this way if my real mom didnt die and my oldest brother did not die when i was little.

I try to be good to others and not hurt them and help others but I know i am not the best.

I think alot about going to Hell. I dont know why I am going there, only that i AM, and there is nothing i can do to change it. Its scared me from trying to kill myself in the past, but then i think if it is inevitable anyway, why fear it. I think about it a lot since my Dad died. I wonder if it will be like i am on fire. I wonder if there is physical pain or just emotional or both. Its supposed to be worse in Hell because you dont have Gods presence with you, and maybe that is true but there are many times i have not felt God with me. I hope he was though. :(

Is this a normal feeling and can anyone relate? Maybe i should talk to a preacher. I have talked about this to the counselor and she said why do you feel that you are bad? Well, i dont know why! I just feel that deep down inside i am evil and damned.

I wish many days that I had not been born what is the purpose of a life of pain and then nothing to look forward to but Hell.

Has anyone experienced this before. I just wish i knew if anyone else in the world ever had felt this way and how you fixed it. I have thought about this since I was maybe 12 or 13 when my dad was married to my first stepmom but since he has died I think of it more.

Michiko74
05-08-12, 11:43 AM
First off, I think there may be issues here that are beyond the capacities of this board. There are some life experiences that have lead you to believe certain things about yourself. I don't think these are correct. However in order for you to also believe that, you may need a professional to help you overcome your obstacles.

Spiritually, I don't think you are going to hell. I think that if you are aware of others and are concerned about them, that automatically disqualifies you from there :) I believe that hell is only for those who have a total disregard for others. If you were sensitive enough to write this post, you're probably not one of those folks.

Recognize that how you feel has a lot to do with the environment that you were raised in. Life is not a one shot deal, and being human means you make mistakes all the time. But the wonderful thing about being human is that you can learn from your mistakes. You can ask for forgiveness and you can start off fresh.

Human beings have a great capacity to love. And I think it's love that 'saves' a person from hell. Reminding someone of their faults hardly prevents them from repeating their mistakes. Yes we want to ensure that someone doesn't repeat their bad behaviours. But love is a much better teacher than hate.

People have all kinds of reasons why they express their feelings. Hopefully therapy can give you insight into the people in your life. Insecruity and weakness are hardly justifications for making others feel bad about themselves. Yet it may be the cause of what their behaviours.

I hope you can be happy one day soon. There is much saddness in your life now, but I pray it is not always the case. It's clear that you have a great capacity to love.

silivrentoliel
05-08-12, 11:52 AM
Could it be that in perhaps being the only girl of your father's (I'm only assuming this, since you mentioned two brothers), that you held a special place in your dad's heart- as all little girls should- and they were insanely jealous?

Joker_Girl
05-08-12, 12:34 PM
Im sure part of it was jealousy, but im not really sure why. A love for a child is different than the love for a spouse. I always felt loved equally to my brother from my dad and my real mom. My first stepmom had mentioned to me several times...you know you were a "mistake".....your dad was 45 when you were born, and your mom, 39....they surely did not mean to have you....

Well of course that idea went through my head. Yes, there was 16 yrs difference between me and my brother, 20 years between me and my brother who had died....so I imagine it is fairly likely I was "unplanned" but that doesnt mean "unwanted"! I kind of assumed that I grew on them, you know....I mean, i WAS their kid.

I am torn between feeling like trash and on the other hand there is some part of me that is ENRAGED inside....i want to say...how COULD you? To a little girl, how could you be so cruel....after I had lost my mom and my brother? I want to go and confront her, and slap her, and say...."if you don't like little kids...you don't marry someone who has them, stupid!!!"

I know until i figure out HOW to deal with everything, and FORGIVE her somehow, I will be filled with this HATE inside....which is maybe why i feel "evil". Hate hurts. It eats at you from the inside, like a cancer. I dont know how to make it go away.

Ive talked to the counselor a lot about my feelings of hopelessness and guilt and anger. I am suprised I am only diagnosed with depression and ADHD....she has said to me before, "you DO have a lot of problems....and you have come upon them by no fault of your own"....I know that....I am crazy as can be, and it is due to this....and I dont know how to get over it. And im burying my dads death the same as i did my mom's....i go about the daily motions of living and bury it....at night though i feel it, when i feel alone it eats at me.

If i was unmedicated I hate to think how i would be.

When i was little (6) after my mom died, the school told my dad even....your kid has got some issues, she needs to see a counselor....but back then (1977) you didnt GO to a shrink....it was just something only CRAZY people did...and my dad said, "My kid isnt crazy....her mom and her brother died....give her some space and a chance to get over it.." Well of course, he was right, but so were they...I needed it only BECAUSE of what had happened....but i DID need it....and i didnt know how to deal with it....so i buried my feelings....as i suppose he did....

Its sad when your son who is 26 dies in a car accident and your wife dies of cancer 3 months later, but when you have this LITTLE ONE who is depending on you, who is scared and has no one else, you suck it up and move on. He went through a period where he was angry at God and everyone, but me and my dad and my other brother clung to each other like crazy because WE were all we had. I was VERY close to my Dad. I felt safe and you know he could have chosen to not care anymore, he could have turned to drinking or whatever...but he didnt and he took care of me.

I dont even begin to know what my issues all are.....i know they are not good. This death of my Dad is painful and bringing up lots of emotions and things in me i dont like.

sarahsweets
05-08-12, 12:46 PM
(((Joked))) I wish I had better words. Mine always seem to end with f**k off.

Michiko74
05-08-12, 12:47 PM
I think eventually you will get to a point where you can forgive and let go. But you can't put the cart before the horse. It may be awhile yet before you can get to that point.

I'm glad that you've sough professional help, and I strongly urge you to keep going. You and your family have had to endure so much pain, and for that I am truly sorry. I hope that you can heal so that happiness and joy can be a part of your life.

It's very uncomfortable to deal with those dark feelings you have inside. They are not a part of you who are. If happiness is ever to be a part of your life, it's crucial you face them. Just don't do it alone, and don't do it with someone you can't totally trust.

salleh
05-08-12, 12:53 PM
Oh my dear child ....I tried reading your first post of this thread, and it made my heart hurt so much I just couldn't read the details....and you have been living through it .....I opened this thread when I saw the title.....and thought ....now that doesn't sound like Joker Girl.....she's not a bad person in the least ....so I was hoping to write you something comforting and that you are not a bad person .....


,...and what I did read was so far beyond my humble capabilities to deal with I just sat here with my jaw dropping down .....you are not the only one here who has the kind of life story that breaks my heart .....it is you people who have been so badly let down by the adults....no let down isn't strong enough a term .....


.....There are some here whose adults should be horse whipped ......to put children through what some of you have been through makes my blood boil .....how on earth do you ever manage to lead a life with that kind of stupididlty and meaness as demonstrated by the so called care-givers you were saddled .....

....I know that most of them have their reasons for being cruel, or stupid or mean ..or whatever, but it comes down to this ...they were the adults, respoinsible for children and they caused so much harm it is truely mindboggling ......


....The fact that you have come this far is staggering and speaks to the resiliance of the human spirit.....your spirit has been hurt, but not damaged , if you get what I mean there ....you are not a vicisous self-righteous person, handing down that venom to children ......so while there is huge hurt there, you weren't damaged ......


.....I hope you find your way to peace of mind ......it cannot be easy to have been exposed to this ......but rest assured that you are not a bad person .....so far from it ......I have read so many of your posts over the few years I have been here, and have seen nothing bad in them ....ever...you are always someone who shows concern and consideration for others......far better than I , I have been known to do a little stomping upon occasion .....but you don't .....your experiences in the world have made you more aware and alert to others pain .....and I see an instinctive tenderness when you speak of others hurts ......


I wish I could help more, but the very idea of you being "bad" ? ....is ludicrus.....

Fuzzy12
05-08-12, 12:55 PM
Joker girl, I can relate. I don't really believe in hell but if there is anything like hell then I think I'm going there too. And yeah, I do worry about it and it's one of the reasons that keeps me from comitting suicide as well.

In your case though there is no reason why you should go to hell unless hell is a place for innocent, mistreated girls. I'm so sorry. Your step mom sounds crazy. Her behaviour towards you was abusive. She has told you so often that you are bad and worthless that it appears that you have internalised her words. Now, it seems like the feelings induced in you by your step mom when you were little never left you.


I am torn between feeling like trash and on the other hand there is some part of me that is ENRAGED inside....i want to say...how COULD you? To a little girl, how could you be so cruel....after I had lost my mom and my brother? I want to go and confront her, and slap her, and say...."if you don't like little kids...you don't marry someone who has them, stupid!!!"



Yes!! I'm so sorry. You really seem to be quite an amazing person. You deserved better!!

silivrentoliel
05-08-12, 01:30 PM
Honestly, sometimes going with the enraged emotions directed at the right person is the best medicine.

mctavish23
05-08-12, 01:46 PM
Only when I behave that way.

tc

sarek
05-08-12, 01:57 PM
Joker girl, I think you are a far, far better person than the people who have hurt you could ever hope to be. You do not need to worry at all about being a good person because you already are.

Abi
05-08-12, 02:05 PM
Joker girl, I think you are a far, far better person than the people who have hurt you could ever hope to be. You do not need to worry at all about being a good person because you already are.

Sarek is a BAD boy.

Unmanagable
05-08-12, 02:08 PM
We tend to love hard and hurt hard. No one taught us any differently and they strongly conditioned us through fear tactics in our youth. I can relate on so many levels. You are not a bad person, my dear. You are big love and I thank you for sharing a huge part of your life with us here. (((((((Hugs)))))))

gatorADDe
05-08-12, 04:28 PM
I KNOW there is a thread about this somewhere, i in fact am sure i have responded to it, but ill be darned if i can find it.



LOL! yepp I started one a lil while ago with almost the same title and you did respond to it :p

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=121978

aeon
05-08-12, 08:30 PM
Joker_Girl,


I feel sad after having read what you have written. My heart goes out to you.

I used to think I was “bad.” Emotionally, words like “evil,” “flawed,” “wrong,” “broken,” and “mistake” would also fit, depending on my mood.

Why did I think that way? It wasn’t so much because I was told those things — no, I only ever got told I was “lazy,” or a “spaceflake.”

The reason I thought that way about myself is because if I took responsibility for the things that happened to me (of which I had no control), then I still had some measure of control — I wasn’t powerless.

As a child of 5 years of age, it was the best I could do to make sense of being sexually abused, given drugs, beaten, and spending weekends locked in a dark closet.

I didn’t begin to think differently until I was in my early 30s — not surprisingly, at the same time I became sober.

A number of things contributed to my thinking a different way, but if there was one thing more than any other, it was this idea:

Every person is doing the best they are able so as to meet their own needs, given the constraints of the situation they are in and the resources they have access to.

Today, that idea is a core value and belief of mine, and it has helped to explain a lot in terms of choices — others and my own. Inasmuch as it speaks to human need and experience, I think it is a fertile ground from which forgiveness (of self and other) may spout, and in time, flourish.

That said, that belief was part of my path — if you benefit from hearing it, I shall be pleased, but if you find it offers nothing by which you may walk yours, know that I will still be pleased in that you are walking your own regardless.

I hope the best for you, Joker_Girl. I hope that the events of your childhood cease to cast long shadows into where ever you are today and where you will be tomorrow.

I hope that you are able to forgive, Joker_Girl — to forgive those who failed you in their duty to nurture a child too young to nurture herself — and if not for their benefit, then for your own, such that you may know the pleasure of peace within.


Omnia vincit Amor,
Ian

Rebelyell
05-08-12, 08:43 PM
:umm1:no i know i am bad no sense ly:yes:ing :giggle:and trying to hide it

Rebelyell
05-08-12, 08:48 PM
Hugs 1st of all true caring christians or people in general dont act like that.2nd of all alot of holier then thous hide behind there faiths.god hope to have mercy on them when they die and have to answer for al there sins n lies

Lillianmay
05-08-12, 09:53 PM
(((Hugs)))

In the US, it is easy to start a “Christian” church. Anyone with a sort of degree from any divinity school, and maybe even without one, can get together with a few people and form a church. Last I heard there were more than 30,000 denominations. Some of these aren’t very Christian.

For all who think they are "bad" I wrote something like this in another post:

In Christianity (or at least in my denomination) God is the source of and also is love, beauty, truth and unity. The “love” is unconditional so it is not dependent on a person’s behavior. There are a lot of “rules”, but these rules are to aid people in living together peacefully and to protecting the most vulnerable. Yes, it is believed that willful breaking of the “rules” in a consistent and I don’t care way will lead possibly to hell, but not because God stopped loving you. Such a person comes to a point where the presence of God is painful to them and it is their free choice to be separated from him. So, God allows them their choice. Going to hell is a person’s choice, they don’t get sent. If they have sold out to selfishness and evil, they don’t want to be with the source of love, beauty and truth.

Also in my faith are lots of biographies and autobiographies of people who are considered to have been really good and many of these people went through times when they felt far away from God. Mother Teresa of Calcutta is one of them. She went years feeling a sense of abandonment by God. Sometimes it is called a “dark night of the soul.” (Google dark night of the soul Christian) Getting through the dark night can take a while and if a person hangs in there they usually end up closer to God than before.

This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get therapy or checked out for depression. God gave us doctors:) Also, looking for a good spiritual director might help. You don’t have to be a member of a particular denomination to get help. So, you can go see any minister or even a priest and they will try to help you. I got good advice from a rabbi once. If a spiritual director tries to tell you that you are bad or going to hell then they don't know their Christianity, so run to another one.

spunkysmum
05-08-12, 10:14 PM
While trying not to violate the spirit or the letter of the guidelines against heated religious discussion, I do want to make it very clear that behavior such as that of your stepmother is not in any way consistent with the teachings of Christianity or the Bible. I don't believe it is possible to be a Christian and act in such an evil way, unless the person is severely mentally ill and incapable of rational thought.

gracious_mama
05-08-12, 10:31 PM
WOW! First of all I want to say I am so sorry that you had to experience that emotional abuse as a child - you are right in your anger at her. What she did and said to you were wrong in every way and it makes me angry just to think about someone treating a little girl like that, after all you'd been through.

On the side of religion though I can relate in a different way. I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses and as I reached adolescence my craving for acceptance coupled with my irrational impulsiveness left me completely ousted from the religion. I did try to reconcile a few years after my son was born and while I was accepted back I realized it just wasn't for me. But I too, feel the overwhelming fear that I am doomed to Sovereign rejection. JW's don't believe in hell - just that anyone who isn't a JW will be killed on God's judgement day if they don't immediately repent - or for those like me who "knew" and left there is no redemption.

I have gained some freedom from that bc I don't believe in their philosophy anymore, but it has left me empty. I once used to have a relationship with God and as an adult I am trying to redefine that relationship with a higher power but it's been a very difficult journey for me (especially since I live with my parents and they are still Witnesses).

In any case my heart aches for you, knowing what you have gone through I am starting to feel a connection (not the creepy kind) but my heart just really goes out to you and to know what you have went through and you seem to be so strong and knowledgeable despite all of it.

Rebelyell
05-09-12, 02:12 AM
That made me sad to read that and see your still reeling from it many many years later.no mature loving step mom/mom or parents calls there eleven year old a lil ***** or ******* etc. Ive been called a lil snot for not listening but was never cursed out n accused like that

meadd823
05-11-12, 06:06 PM
I KNOW there is a thread about this somewhere, i in fact am sure i have responded to it, but ill be darned if i can find it.

Anyhow, maybe this isnt allowed because i am kind of talking about religion, but sort of not because its just me....

My dad died, now it is a little over a month but my heart still hurts for it. I miss him so much. I had to put my dog to sleep that same day and sometimes when i am between sleep and wake i will think i hear her, or i will "feel" her around me.

This is not unusual - over half of the people who have recently lost a loved one reports the same sort of feeling

Communicating with the deceased ( http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/communicating-deceased)

I feel that my Dad and my dog are in Heaven. I hope some day i will see them again, but i fear that i will not. Because i, for some reason I cant explain, know that I am doomed to Hell.

It sounds to me as if you have already been there!

I do not know why, but you know, I think it had something to do with my first step mom. My mom died when i was 6 and my dad remarried when i was 10 i think in part so i would have a mom. I was very excited about this at first but soon I knew she hated me. Then i was angry because she had fooled me into thinking she cared about me. I remember one time when i was about 11 her and my dad had went to the dance and i stayed home. When they got home, dad was outside putting the car away and she came into my room where i was asleep and hit me in the head and woke me. Then she yells, "You have had a man here, you are a little wh*re!" I didnt know what that meant but i was scared to death. Found out i had left two glasses in the sink so she thought one of them belonged to a man. So weird!

Anyways, she always done like this to me, she would tell me horrible stuff like, "your brother who died was your moms favorite, your other brother is your dads favorite, but i dont guess you are anyones favorite....maybe the dogs!" or she would say, "You little wh*re if you get yourself pregnant (what a feat that would have been! LOL.) you better just keep walking because you arent welcome here, unless you fall down and kill it." I did not know why i would get pregnant since i was like 13 at the time, but all i knew was she hated me. Since she was big into church and was a Christian, I was the bad one. I would never tell my dad what happened because i didnt want to make trouble, but sometimes i would ask Jesus what i had done wrong to deserve this and there was no answer only more suffering so i grew to believe God hated me and she was a Christian and i was on "the other side".

I remember one time when I was in college she killed my dog. She also convinced my dad once that I was a drug addict (i had not done drugs at that point but i was scared to death because i knew no one would believe me) and that i needed put in rehab....I was so scared i hid at a friends for a week so i did not get thrown in rehab. She also once convinced my dad I had "turned gay" because i had a female roommate. LOL. When she found out i was getting married, she said, "well you dont LOOK pregnant, why dont you do the world a favor and just abort it?" I wasnt pregnant. She mistook that for being the reason i was getting married and it wasnt.

When i was 23 they divorced, when i was 26 my dad remarried to the current crazy b*tch. She, too, is a "Christian" and always tells me how bad I am.

Please excuse my inability to provide much in the way of emotional support - It is a lacking I have and in no way reflects upon you as a person.

Many adult are unable to do what I just did - Openly say I am lacking and it is me who posses the incapability . Many folks project their internal feeling onto others, it's part of a human tendency. Children due to their inability to fightback are often victims of this.

The things your step mom said to you are about her own emotions toward herself. She is a bad person - every ting she accused you of she is - We hate that which we see in ourselves but because it is so painful to the perfect image we feel we must maintain we "blame another" as a means of absconding responsibility. Please realize this is rarely a conscious act and we all do it to some extent.

People who are ugly inside do some really ugly things - this makes ugly contagious much like a bad mood. Your desire to fight back , to slap the baitch is sort of like your emotional antibodies trying to ward off this ugly infection - Let your self be mad and use that anger to no longer take shiat from jerk offs who want to infect you with their own crappy self image.



Mindfulness for me is all about seeing myself objectively and taking responsibility for my own perceptions and allowing other the freedom to do the same. You weren't responsible for your step mom's behavior she was.



Just like these words in my post are in response to you but what I say is really a reflection of me, and my perceptions and where I am in life - the same holds true for your step mother and every one else you come into contact with




I dont know what i do that is so bad, I dont go to church anymore, or not very often, but I still saw myself as a Christian. Just not a very good one.

I sucked as a Christian - so I quit. Best spiritual advice I have ever received was here on this forum of all places - I let go of what others told me to believe and set out on a journey to find out what I truly believe - Best damn decision I ever made.

For some Christianity works very well - They are loving people who radiate a peace that transcends understanding - Christianity however did not work for me so the spiritual stuff I have to offer will not be in line with that beliefs system. I am only able to speak of the spiritual perception that works for me nothing more nothing less.


I think a lot about how i wish i was good but dont know how to be. I think about the 10 commandments and i think i really havent gone against them. I have lied sometimes but nothing big, and i was sorry for it. I have tried to honor my stepmothers even though they have made it hard. I wonder if i would be this way if my real mom didnt die and my oldest brother did not die when i was little.

I try to be good to others and not hurt them and help others but I know i am not the best.

I think alot about going to Hell. I dont know why I am going there, only that i AM, and there is nothing i can do to change it. Its scared me from trying to kill myself in the past, but then i think if it is inevitable anyway, why fear it. I think about it a lot since my Dad died. I wonder if it will be like i am on fire. I wonder if there is physical pain or just emotional or both. Its supposed to be worse in Hell because you dont have Gods presence with you, and maybe that is true but there are many times i have not felt God with me. I hope he was though. :(

I think not feeling the presence of deity, or feeling empty during times of grieving is pretty typical regardless of ones faith or lack thereof

The fear of hell may be a form of coping but I think it to be more beneficial to seek the reason behind the desire to destroy yourself to begin with.

Most cases we self destruct based upon a fear of not being good enough -

In my belief system each person has within them a spark of the divine, In some way we reflect our creator in much the same way a painting or sculpture does the one who created them The artist is reflected in the art even thought they themselves are more than the art form . I began the journey to end self loathing when a vision caused me to realize the when I hated myself I was really hating the creator Saying I was not good enough is like telling the creator that his/her creation is not good enough for me - In other wards in my present spiritual belief system self emasculating is a form of arrogance and yes this was hard to digest at first. The perception has countered my self destructive tenancies n way that years of counseling couldn't touch. This is how I know I am on the right spiritual path for me.



Is this a normal feeling and can anyone relate? Maybe i should talk to a preacher. I have talked about this to the counselor and she said why do you feel that you are bad? Well, i dont know why! I just feel that deep down inside i am evil and damned.

I wish many days that I had not been born what is the purpose of a life of pain and then nothing to look forward to but Hell.

I no longer see things in terms of good and evil. To me these categories serve no purpose - It makes more scene for me to see things in terms of productive and destructive with a balance between the two being necessary for existence in this physical realm.

Has anyone experienced this before. I just wish i knew if anyone else in the world ever had felt this way and how you fixed it. I have thought about this since I was maybe 12 or 13 when my dad was married to my first stepmom but since he has died I think of it more.

I think a lot of your emotions are due to the grieving process seeing as you lost your dad not long ago - The religious stuff I can relate to and I did fix it by finding a spiritual path that is a better fit with me as a person. I have a hermetic view of deity (http://www.gnostic.org/kybalionhtm/kybalion4.htm) which is more in line with me as a person.

We each must find our own spiritual path -

I met and mingled with some very good Christians so my take about this belief system was not solely based upon my experiences with those who were unhealthy individuals who happen to claim this particular faith - All faiths and even those who do not believe in any thing spiritual have members within their group who are emotionally unhealthy.

If you wish to hang onto that particular spiritual belief I would recommend countering some of the religious damage by seeking assistance from some one who is an emotionally healthy christian. I would recommend a pastor but even some of them can be fruit cakes.

When seeking christian council consider the following found in the Bible

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death - 1 John 3:14


Some one who is a healthy example of christian faith will be able to accept you because they accept themselves , they will be able to extend kindness and understanding toward you because they have received it themselves - They will exhibit a balance between loving unconditionally and good emotional boundaries meaning a good christian is not a door mat but he / she will not be using you as one either.

:grouphug: I hope this helps in some small way

ana futura
05-11-12, 06:19 PM
I sucked as a Christian - so I quit. Best spiritual advice I have ever received was here on this forum of all places - I let go of what others told me to believe and set out on a journey to find out what I truly believe - Best damn decision I ever made.

For some Christianity works very well - They are loving people who radiate a peace that transcends understanding - Christianity however did not work for me so the spiritual stuff I have to offer will not be in line with that beliefs system. I am only able to speak of the spiritual perception that works for me nothing more nothing less.

We each must find our own spiritual path -



Wonderful way of putting it. Great post.

I'm so thankful I was raised without the concept of hell. The last thing I need in my life is fear and judgement. I know inside what is right and wrong, it didn't have to be taught to me, an I don't need hell to scare it into me. I struggle enough already.

Drewbacca
05-11-12, 08:05 PM
Regarding Hell: http://www.redmeat.com/redmeat/2002-04-02/index.html

Hell is a silly idea borrowed from Greek/Egyptian ideas of the underworld. It is a fear tactic used to create fear of god rather than love of god. When I have confrontations with Christians, I frequently ask them if they believe as they do out of love or out of fear.
Any "god" that is worshipped out of fear, I want nothing to do with.

Bluerose
07-18-12, 09:07 AM
Joker_Girl,

I read your posts and I’m sorry you had such a hard time. I had it quite rough as a kid too. I too came to believe the crap they told me.

It is possible to re-record over those old psyche tapes with nicer more positive thoughts.


It’s like a person wondering from time to time if they are insane. Only sane people wonder if they are insane.

Only good people wonder from time to time if they are a bad person - especially when things are going wrong, they imagine they are being punished for misdeeds.

No truly bad person ever wonders if they are bad.