View Full Version : Paraphilia


Gilthranon
07-02-12, 05:56 PM
Paraphilia is an extreme form of unusual and generally unaccepted form of erotic stimulation that is not very popular in society.

I happen to inhibit multiple of those fantasies. I do not live it as a victim. It just is.

But I just got banned from a forum for I let myself go for once...

On itself, free from judgement nothing would bother a person, especially if not influenced by moral standards - and since my paraphilia is not clouded by those points of view, I do not regret it. But I do recognize my sexual maturity preference is unnatural.

I'm in need of support, I just want to know how common this is and if many of you understand extreme fantasies (they include death).

frogbrigade
07-02-12, 09:16 PM
I think secretly many people become aroused by things which seem very unnatural. No one can really control something which just happens and feels natural to them. You would probably have to be more specific if you want people to relate, but just curious, do you want it to go away? does it bother you? do you ever feel guilty? or does it just feel natural? I don't know very much about paraphilia.

Fortune
07-02-12, 09:36 PM
I think paraphilia are only diagnosable as such if they cause distress, or if they represent a danger to yourself or others.

Sandy4957
07-02-12, 11:06 PM
But I do recognize my sexual maturity preference is unnatural.

Hmmmmmmmmmm. What are you telling us, Ocyan?

"Unnatural" how? Do you go for teenagers? Because that's what I assume when I read that. I assume that you go for teenagers because if you went for kids younger than that, you likely wouldn't test the waters in a place like this.

Are you looking for support for something related to ADHD? Doesn't sound like it to me, TBH.

peripatetic
07-03-12, 08:00 AM
hey oxycan..you're nort alone on this...j knenw i remembered a thread some time ago on the subject. found it!

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=102591


i just read yoiur opening post...and i kidna rememb er the gist of sighduck's..so it might not be the same thing at all...which..if so..soz :o

but...hohpe iut helps :D annd best to you

peripatetic
07-03-12, 08:28 AM
oh...and sometign elae oxyca..i donn't really understand what yo'ure getting at. but it takes a lot of courage to admit to something that you say is so socaillky stigmatized...and....if that's why your fantasies iniclude death...

are you saying you feel that you're so "unnatural" that nobody will ever help you work thorugh your cioncerns and you're ideating? look...if you're having strong urges toward seslf harm..please...talk to someone in person NOW. i don't anythingf a bout suicide hotlines in switzerland...but if feel you are a dannger to self or others...please go toi your local emergency room. and tell them that you have suicidal urges. io believe theat help is possible for you oib taht. with your pzaraphillia...i mean..talking ab out it seems like a good stop in working on it, ye?g

ok..ik'm jsut gonna keep b lathering on...so...

please post and say you're safe. :)

be wlel

Gilthranon
07-03-12, 10:49 AM
@ Sandy - the reason I'm posting is that it is something unusual I wandered ADHDers might have recurrently. It would be a shame if you think of me differently now, seen your reaction, since it is not a choice I've made. Just like ADHD or Psychopathy, it is something you better live with, or else...

The main reason is I just got banned from a forum because of one (on of my strongest urges - which I just talked about to my shrink - about an hour ago - we agreed I should stick to the Internet, not with real people interactions, only images, as long as I can contain it than) strong tendency. I happen to be attracted among girls of all ages, especially my age, mostly to the young ones. It just is a part of my and I will have to live with that. In a relation my principle is above my one age.

@ peri - No suicidal tendencies... at least not direct ones. I victimize myself, but more in a BDSM situation, in which the girl has the upper hand. Until death, that does stand though. But elegantly, not brutally.

Like I said, I just want to now if I'm the only one (which never is the case with any one) and some reassurance would be welcome to feel understood, even shared. Some one to talk about, discuss it. See others with same ideas. Feeling unique is pleasant, having it shared is so much better...

TheChemicals
07-03-12, 01:33 PM
Nothing wrong with this. Just pursuit this with a partner instead of talking about it. The only release/relief youll get is when you start satisfying your mind. You can pm me anytime.. I have stuff too.

crystal8080
07-03-12, 02:57 PM
I think its normal to have fantasies. Sometimes I have some weird ones, they are fleeting, and deviant, and are gone once I get bored of them. I know its not something people talk about, but that part is pretty normal.

But the urge to act on them is something else. Like Fortune said, there is a line. It should not be harmful to someone else in real life. You or someone else. If you are asking if I'm having a hard time NOT acting on sexual urges, or if I'm obsessing about them, then my anwer is no.

TheChemicals is on to something there. Depending on what your fantasies are, and as long as they are not dangerous I see no problem with finding a willing adult to role play with you.

Gilthranon
07-03-12, 04:22 PM
I think its normal to have fantasies.
They are for the long term. I need them to get excited. They are never gone, I don't get bored. But those fantasies are (extreme / ly) normal for extreme ones.

The urge is definitely controllable.

Aha ! As long as the subject indeed concerns an adult... for those concerning adults, I would definitely do the role playing... but not for the rest

Sandy4957
07-03-12, 06:55 PM
Ocyan, I'm a lawyer who defends people in sex cases, so I talk with a lot of people with "unusual" sexual urges. You're not freaking me out here.

But I do want to understand what you're saying, and either we've got a language gap (which is understandable because we're posting in English) or you're being intentionally vague because you're afraid of being banned from yet another forum, which is understandable. :(

What I'm hearing you say is that you have sexual fantasies that include girls of all ages, presumably including girls who are under the age of consent, but that you confine your relationships to girls/women who are at or above your current age. And you're young, 22 by your profile.

And I hear you to be saying that your sexual fantasies are strong and recurrent.

Is that a fair statement? How young is the youngest age that you fantasize about?

I may perhaps cross a forum line, here, and I'm hoping that a moderator will cut me off if I am.

Do you masturbate to these fantasies? I'm assuming that you do. And I'm assuming that you've never acted on them, because you know that that is a crime.

Again, am I making a fair assessment here?

I'm going to hunt down a website for you. It's a group that may be able to provide good, solid support for you with respect to this issue...

Sandy4957
07-03-12, 07:20 PM
Hmmmmmmmm... Ok, sorry Ocyan. I can't find the website that I was looking for.

Here's the thing, though. Your comment that you need the fantasies to get excited is worrisome to me. (And when I say "worrisome," I'm not expressing that solely because I'm afraid for others, but also because there would be obvious negative consequences to YOU if you were to act on these sorts of fantasies.)

People who need deviant sexual fantasies to become aroused can become prone to a sort of compulsive behavior that escalates over time. Therapists in sex treatment programs will train people to learn to recognize when they are "using" the deviant fantasies to become aroused. So if one of my clients masturbates while fantasizing about a kid, he has to report it in his group therapy sessions, and they have to talk about why he did it, what preceded his doing it, etc. Usually he's doing it because something over the course of the day stressed him out, and this is how he releases that stress. Other people drink. Other people exercise. Whatever. The treatment helps to train these folks to avoid stress and find better coping mechanisms. It isn't about learning to squelch the urges. It's about learning to understand what drives them, and then the urges tend to diminish on their own.

But that's treatment for people who have offended in some fashion, and I'm assuming that you have not, because that's what you're telling me. I will admit, though, that I've not met many people who admit to these sorts of fantasies who have managed to totally avoid offending. But of course, you gotta remember how I know who I know! :)

So I'm wondering whether your psychiatrist would advise you to seek out therapy for specifically this issue. Group therapy is considerably more effective for it, I think. Individual therapy is good, too. But group therapy would likely be a very helpful addition.

I'll bet that there are groups meeting someone near you. If you want to pm me with your location (just a city or region is fine), I'll go looking for one via my contacts in the therapy communities, here.

crystal8080
07-03-12, 08:06 PM
I did a paper on sex offenders, and it was interesting to learn that where I live there are no services to help you unless you commit a crime. There are no services for someone who is just looking for help. If you commit a crime, you have a whole team of mental health services.

I think I get what's going on here. You are looking for support, but the only place you can really talk about this is in the company of people who have no interest in getting better. Or people who will flame you and ask questions later.

So the real question is...where does one turn if they recognize they have a problem? I am very fearful that if you look for someone to commiserate with, it will only reinforce the urges. I also agree you should contact a professional about it because I worry about the kind of support you will find online.

Sandy4957
07-03-12, 08:18 PM
Crystal and TheChemicals, I suspect (but don't know) that whether role play is ok depends on the level of deviance.

If he's fantasizing about teenaged girls, for example, he's not in fact terribly deviant. You only have to look at the incredible success of "Girls Gone Wild" to know that. And so if that's the case, then role play with adults is likely fine so long as that satisfies him, and he's never committed an offense, and so long as he's not getting increasingly desirable of looking at child pornography or actually acting on the urges.

But here's the only thing I'd add to that. Those are a lot of ifs. It's a fine line to walk. If I were in his shoes, I'd want to develop alternative means of becoming aroused, i.e., have more "tools" in the toolbox so that I could have healthy adult relationships with a broader range of people, and then if some role play is involved, fine.

If, on the other hand, the fantasies are about, say, pre-pubescent girls, then he's pretty far afield, and a number of problems are likely to come from it.

First, there's shame, because there's a world wide freak out that's occurring around sex offenses, so admitting such a paraphilia will be an instant opportunity to be attacked and shamed,, even if he's never offended. Shame drives the desires underground and increases the risk of of an actual offense, so it's not a great thing to have happen. But it will.

Also, his pool of potential partners will be greatly reduced. Because there might be a number of adult women willing to throw on a cheerleader costume for their boyfriends or hubbies, but the pool of adult women who will throw on a diaper or adult "onesie," is likely small. And every once in a while, when he floats the idea, he'll get a freak out from the potential partner, which will shame him and drive him underground.

So, Ocyan, that's why I asked the questions that I asked. I'm not going after you, here. I'm just trying to understand what your issue is.

Sandy4957
07-03-12, 08:20 PM
I agree with you, Crystal.

There used to be a group that put up billboards that asked, "Do you want to touch a child sexually? Call us first."

It was a brilliant campaign, because that's a hugely needed service. But I tried to find that group and I can't.

crystal8080
07-03-12, 08:51 PM
I agree. There is no shame in asking for help. Its actually a very very brave thing to do. I changed my view once he said that he needs them to get excited. I agree that its in the OP's best interest to find healthy means of arousal. I know I am presuming a lot here Ocyan and I hope we are on the same page.

I will not judge you. I want you to know that although I haven't finished school (or course:rolleyes:) I did a lot of research on this topic and I got an A+.
It was a social work class and we could choose anything we wanted and I thought hey I'm going to do a paper on a group of people who have zero support. Swing for the fence so to speak.

I really hope you can find the right people to help you through this because the right support can make a difference.

Crystal

Gilthranon
07-04-12, 03:46 AM
But I do want to understand what you're saying, and either we've got a language gap (which is understandable because we're posting in English) or you're being intentionally vague because you're afraid of being banned from yet another forum, which is understandable. :(
Both. But mostly intentionally vague.

What I'm hearing you say is that you have sexual fantasies that include girls of all ages, presumably including girls who are under the age of consent, but that you confine your relationships to girls/women who are at or above your current age. And you're young, 22 by your profile.
Nothing more relative than young. For me, I've wasted so much time of my life I feel like I'll die soon of age.

And I hear you to be saying that your sexual fantasies are strong and recurrent. Is that a fair statement? How young is the youngest age that you fantasize about?
Pre-pubescent. Recurrent yes, but not the only one. I share the casual sexy nurse, stranger in the park basic fantasies. Also incest, but since no danger in my case in that area I let it go free.

Do you masturbate to these fantasies? I'm assuming that you do. And I'm assuming that you've never acted on them, because you know that that is a crime. Again, am I making a fair assessment here?
Correct so far.

Crystal and TheChemicals, I suspect (but don't know) that whether role play is ok depends on the level of deviance.
I guess the only endangered one would be me, so no threat there

If I were in his shoes, I'd want to develop alternative means of becoming aroused, i.e., have more "tools" in the toolbox so that I could have healthy adult relationships with a broader range of people, and then if some role play is involved, fine.
Good point. Like mentioned above, I do possess them. Great technique indeed. But the strongest urges maintain.

If, on the other hand, the fantasies are about, say, pre-pubescent girls, then he's pretty far afield, and a number of problems are likely to come from it.
Faire enough yes

First, there's shame, because there's a world wide freak out that's occurring around sex offenses, so admitting such a paraphilia will be an instant opportunity to be attacked and shamed,, even if he's never offended. Shame drives the desires underground and increases the risk of of an actual offense, so it's not a great thing to have happen. But it will.
Which is why I will never loose caution.

[...] but the pool of adult women who will throw on a diaper or adult "onesie," is likely small[...]
:cool:

So, Ocyan, that's why I asked the questions that I asked. I'm not going after you, here. I'm just trying to understand what your issue is.
I know. Can't thank you enough !


PS - I am always open about myself, carefully open, but open. I avoid using visiting cards, I'm not selling myself.

sighduck
07-04-12, 11:44 AM
Take a look at the thread peri pointed out, you are definitley not alone...

Sandy4957
07-04-12, 02:34 PM
WOW. That was fascinating, Ocyan. I'm going to give you huge credit here for one thing. I've represented hundreds of guys like you, actually, and I don't know that any of them were ever so forthright about it. Now, mind you, they've acted on these urges in some fashion (not always by offending directly) and been caught, and then hell rained down upon them, which is both appropriate (to some degree, in that you have to get their attention) and understandable, given the harm that sex offenses cause. But if our goal is to reduce victimization, we have to understand folks like you, and it's hard for that to happen without frank discussion.

Here's one thing that I'll add, though. If you are as young as your profile claims (22), then I don't think that you have to resign yourself to always needing these fantasies to become aroused. Perhaps it is different for someone with a paraphilia. But ordinary sexuality is a bit malleable and tends to shift with maturity. Normal people do it all the time, actually.

Who among us females DIDN'T go for bad boys once upon a time? Then we got older and wiser and our tastes changed. Suddenly the guy who was more emotionally stable, who we maybe saw as less "manly" when we were younger, suddenly he becomes FAR more interesting and attractive than the train wreck who "needs" us.

The same happens for men, though usually later than it does for women. They'll go for attractive (but often more self-obsessed) women when they're younger. But as men age, the hot mama becomes HOT in part BECAUSE she's a good mama and has something between the ears other than tricks for looking good. She doesn't have to doll herself up to be viewed that way.

I'm curious. Do you find yourself entertaining these fantasies more when stressed? That would be common. Or do you blow off steam other ways and these are just how you become aroused?

One thing that I wanted to come back to is your question about whether this could be an ADHD thing. My sense is that it is not. There's certainly a higher percentage of people with ADHD in prisons, and that may be related to impulse-control issues, I suppose. It's CERTAINLY related to substance abuse, as in, people with substance-abuse issues, particularly alcoholics, are very likely to have lowered inhibitions, and then they act on criminal urges. But I don't think that the urges themselves are ADHD-related.

I can imagine, though, that an ADHDer with a strong paraphilia (as you describe) is at an even higher risk of offending than an NTer with the same paraphilia.

I really think that you want to look for a group that you can do treatment with. 'Cause here's the thing: people who share your impulses are really, REALLY good at recognizing it if you're in danger of going off the rails.

And mods, if this discussion is too far afield, maybe it could become a private forum? I do think that it's useful to discuss "publicly" rather than via a series of PMs, but I'm ok with confining it to PMs if that's what ADDF prefers.

Gilthranon
07-04-12, 02:42 PM
Nothing wrong with this. Just pursuit this with a partner instead of talking about it. The only release/relief youll get is when you start satisfying your mind. You can pm me anytime.. I have stuff too.
Done, I'm curious since you've not responded so far...

ana futura
07-04-12, 02:53 PM
I'm not sure about prepubescent, but I think a lot of people are more attracted to adolescents than would admit it. Our society really does present the ideal sexual age as 16 or 18. We are obsessed with youth.

But the major distinction between someone who fantasizes and someone who acts is that one of them acts. They both fantasize.

I'm very curious as to why some people move from fantasizing to acting. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the rest of society is not quite honest about their own sexual attractions. The great majority of people who have fantasies about "inappropriate" things never act on those things. But they also don't admit to or even discuss those fantasies, leaving some people feeling very alone.

If you have powerful fantasies, and are under the impression that such fantasies are completely abnormal, I think it becomes harder to maintain the distinction between fantasizing and acting. The only people who will admit to fantasizing are often those who act upon their fantasies, so it becomes and "all hope is lost" scenario.

Sandy4957
07-04-12, 03:03 PM
I'm not sure about prepubescent, but I think a lot of people are more more attracted to adolescents than would admit it. Our society really does present the ideal sexual age as 16 or 18. We are obsessed with youth.

I couldn't agree with you more, Ana. One of the things that I try to tell people who want to call my clients "monsters" is that we're all on a spectrum on this stuff, and that my former partner who burned through multiple laptops with his porn habit is probably especially drawn to watching women who are at least made to LOOK as though they're barely of age, assuming that they are of age.

The guys that I've represented usually end up using sex as a sort of substance that they abuse. When they're stressed, they want to look at porn and masturbate. They they feel shame so they suppress the urge for a while. Then they're stressed again and they succumb and go peep, for example. After that they're even more ashamed and they suppress the urge again. And then they want to expose themselves... So on, and so on, until all of a sudden they're trolling the internet looking for child pornography and then they're in deep.

By the time I get them they may have hundreds of thousands of images of child pornography in their possession, and they're staring down a life sentence.

And then, of course, there are the ones that troll the internet looking to MAKE child pornography. :(

What is interesting to me about Ocyan's posts is that he's not expressing shame. Ocyan, are you ashamed of this? Or are you just "cautious?"

I am a bit curious about what my friend who ran our state's sex-offender treatment program would say about a healthy adult who entertained deviant sexual fantasies, but did NOT "need" those fantasies as anything other than a means of becoming aroused for sex with adults...

It sounds quite precarious to me. Because IF things go badly for him, then he's in a very dangerous position. But maybe that's more normal than we realize.

I am going to ask my friend.

ana futura
07-04-12, 03:24 PM
What is interesting to me about Ocyan's posts is that he's not expressing shame. Ocyan, are you ashamed of this? Or are you just "cautious?"
Perhaps the lack of shame is where ADHD does come into the picture, sometimes it's hard for us to "connect the dots", and I know that my own ADHD makes me so avoidant that I have to be called out by another person to feel shame. Ocyan's fantasies don't have anything at all to do with ADHD, but it's possible that ADHD is contributing to how he's dealing with this.


I am a bit curious about what my friend who ran our state's sex-offender treatment program would say about a healthy adult who entertained deviant sexual fantasies, but did NOT "need" those fantasies as anything other than a means of becoming aroused for sex with adults...

It sounds quite precarious to me. Because IF things go badly for him, then he's in a very dangerous position. But maybe that's more normal than we realize.

Yes, this is important. If someone fantasizes about objects, then if they do cross the line from fantasy to reality, no real harm can come of it.

If I were Ocyan, I would never actively use fantasies about prepubescents to become aroused. It may happen accidentally, and that's fine, but it's important to realize that encouraging them is not a good idea. Beating yourself up over them isn't a good idea either.

I wonder what Dan Savage has to say about this, his advice column is great for addressing these sorts of issues.

ana futura
07-04-12, 03:32 PM
Well, I answered my own question, this is what Dan Savage has to say-

http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/news-and-opinion/savage-love/Lets-Say-Im-A-Pedophile-83404047.html

http://www.thestranger.com/SavageLovePodcast/archives/2012/01/03/savage-love-episode-272

And this is a very good article by James Cantor, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Toronto, and an expert on the subject-

http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/21/opinion/cantor-pedophila-sandusky/index.html

Sandy4957
07-04-12, 03:47 PM
Ana, I agree about not actively using such fantasies. That sounds like an enormous risk to take. It'd be kind of like me taking a shot of whiskey before an oral argument because I know that the whiskey will reduce inhibitions and help me overcome a sort of social anxiety. Am I right about that? There's no question in my mind that a shot of whiskey would work to do that. Is it a dangerous road to go down? Absolutely, which is why I don't do it.

The other thing that I am not hearing from Ocyan, which I have heard from some clients, is a belief that his fantasies are really "appropriate," or even "beautiful." I hear that from some of the more entrenched pedophiles that I've represented, and you'll see it in, say, NAMBLA newsletters (North American Man Boy Love Association). Ocyan seems to completely own the fact that his fantasies are deviant.

Ocyan, is that a fair statement? Do you think that your fantasies "should" be acceptable?

crystal8080
07-05-12, 02:32 AM
Wow you ladies sure are amazing. Such a thoughtful and mature take on such a difficult topic. I don't think there is anything more I can add to this discussion.

Ocyan, I hope you get the help you need. I'm glad you have taken the high road and reached out. If you should take anything away from this, it should be that you do not have to shoulder it alone. You have come this far with it, and you should seek treatment with your head held high.

Please don't try to keep it all under control by yourself. Please don't think you 'got this'. I would hate to see it go too far and for things to end up bad for you. I'm sure there are lots of people out there who started out like this, and ended up in a place where no one wants to be. Alone and hated. Ever heard of a Scarlet Letter?

Please let us know how you are doing.

Gilthranon
07-05-12, 04:35 AM
[...]What is interesting to me about Ocyan's posts is that he's not expressing shame. Ocyan, are you ashamed of this? Or are you just "cautious?"[...]
Last one. If I could have chosen I would have chosen girls in their twenties. No shame, no regret. This is who I am. Don't like it ? Don't hang around with me.

[...]Ocyan's fantasies don't have anything at all to do with ADHD, but it's possible that ADHD is contributing to how he's dealing with this.
Honestly I think they do. I think it's a form of extremity that excites me. Like the are paraphilias. Arousal comes from it intense and illegal standards. Yes, it does contribute on how I deal with it. Apart from using my eyes a bit too publicly, no missteps so far. One time though, with a friend with a similar problem, we were close to jail. Never again. I've learned a lot from that mistake. I will not be THAT guy.

If I were Ocyan, I would never actively use fantasies about prepubescents to become aroused. It may happen accidentally, and that's fine,
It's like cleaning when you're OCD. It's a compulsion. It may not be present 24/7, but it does majorly havest the brain. It will return. Which is why I talk about it in the first play. A problem forgotten is a problem multiplied by two or three.

The other thing that I am not hearing from Ocyan, which I have heard from some clients, is a belief that his fantasies are really "appropriate," or even "beautiful." I hear that from some of the more entrenched pedophiles that I've represented, and you'll see it in, say, NAMBLA newsletters (North American Man Boy Love Association). Ocyan seems to completely own the fact that his fantasies are deviant.

Ocyan, is that a fair statement? Do you think that your fantasies "should" be acceptable?
No. It is natural though. That age is naturally designed to stimulate the first hormones of (lost the words for ready for reproduction) which happens earlier than boys. Unless asexual, people are attracted, like many professionnals don't forget to site.

Wow you ladies sure are amazing. Such a thoughtful and mature take on such a difficult topic. I don't think there is anything more I can add to this discussion.

Ocyan, I hope you get the help you need. I'm glad you have taken the high road and reached out. If you should take anything away from this, it should be that you do not have to shoulder it alone. You have come this far with it, and you should seek treatment with your head held high.

Please don't try to keep it all under control by yourself. Please don't think you 'got this'. I would hate to see it go too far and for things to end up bad for you. I'm sure there are lots of people out there who started out like this, and ended up in a place where no one wants to be. Alone and hated. Ever heard of a Scarlet Letter?

Please let us know how you are doing.
Thank you ! I know this was the right place to mention it. I have to admit - I was expecting this to remain half forgotten in a broom closet with dust on it. Can't thank enough !

Gilthranon
07-05-12, 04:42 AM
Ok now I'm feeling I'm all wrong, it isn't that much of an urge, that I actually created it myself and have the choice to stop over reacting now and that this was all a false alarm.

I'm doubting myself now... (ok this is really me - don't even understand my own thoughts)

Sandy4957
07-05-12, 09:29 AM
Yeah, Ocyan, I think you want to go with your first instinct on this one. Because even if you were "overreacting," (which I'll take to mean that you have other healthy fantasies to indulge, so this isn't such a "big deal"), the fact is that most people feel revulsion (not excitement) when they consider the idea of sex with a child of that age.

And your comment that you were "close to jail" is a big red flag in the sense that your life can change in a flash with this. You have one time where your inhibitions go down and you indulge the urge, and then there'll be a risk of a cascade effect, where now that that barrier has been crossed, you kind of let yourself go hog-wild... :(

You would probably do well to follow the same sorts of strict lifestyles that are imposed as conditions of release for people who have offended, even though you have not. I'm talking about things like not drinking or using drugs. On this, alcohol is actually the worst, because it's disinhibiting. You want your inhibitions on high alert at all times.

And you probably should not allow yourself to be alone with children, for two reasons. One is that you'll run the risk of making the desires stronger for you. The other is that parents may come to learn, later, that you have these fantasies, and you could get falsely accused of acting on them. :(

I'm sorry to say that, because that's awfully isolating and will become significantly more isolating when you get older and your friends start having kids. But being around kids (and especially alone with kids) is just not terribly safe for you. My clients are prohibited from being around children at all, even if the child's parents are there. That might be the one way that you could "modify" the rules, just because you don't want to be that isolated, and you can likely count on parents not to leave their kids alone with you, particularly if they know that you have these fantasies. But it's not a great idea to put yourself in a position where you're at risk of being left alone with a kid. You don't want to become a teacher or run a youth program, for example.

And I'd concur with Ana (was it Ana?) about not actively indulging these fantasies while masturbating. You may not be able to avoid having the thoughts enter your head. But you definitely want to avoid consciously choosing to "use" them for pleasure. :(

The links that Ana provided (above) are very good. The one with the professor talks about a program in Germany for what the author calls "good pedophiles" (which is what you're describing yourself as).

I guess that my last bit of advice is that you're probably best off not hanging around a lot with people who share your urges. That's also isolating, because those are the only people with whom you won't feel judged. But the fact is that if you get together with those guys enough, you're going to run into people who will try to convince you that it's ok to test the boundaries. And this is one area where the boundaries should be clearly defined.

That'd be another reason to find a moderated group therapy and stick with it. The group would give you a safe place to discuss these feelings without judgment. But the presence of the moderator would make sure that the group doesn't end up going off the rails.

And who knows? You may well find an adult woman who is willing to work with you and support you on this... :cool: Those women are absolutely out there, although unfortunately a lot of them seem to me to not fully understand their partners. They think that he is "misunderstood" and "a good person" and therefore not dangerous, and they'll try to prove it by letting him be around their children, which does him no favors whatsoever. Ideally, you want an adult woman who fully understands that you can be "misunderstood," and "a good person," AND yet, "dangerous," and loves you regardless; because she'll do her best to protect you from harm. :)

It should go without saying, though, that such a woman should not have or want kids. :(

crystal8080
07-05-12, 06:25 PM
Ok now I'm feeling I'm all wrong, it isn't that much of an urge, that I actually created it myself and have the choice to stop over reacting now and that this was all a false alarm.

I'm doubting myself now... (ok this is really me - don't even understand my own thoughts)

Please don't think you are just overreacting. You said yourself that you NEED these fantasies to get excited. You can't try to convince yourself there isn't a problem. You know that there is, and now you can't unlearn that. You know that there is.

Please do the responsible thing and seek treatment. I am here to support you, not condone your behaviour. I do care, and that is why I thought I should make myself clear in case you got the impression that I do.

ana futura
07-05-12, 11:13 PM
Honestly I think they do. I think it's a form of extremity that excites me. Like the are paraphilias. Arousal comes from it intense and illegal standards.

Well, I guess the only person who can say is you. My brain sometimes goes to weird places that I know it shouldn't. I often get a "what would happen if..." and then it's usually something messed up.

I don't need or want those thoughts. They come and go, and are often influenced by horror and sci fi movies. I have an over active imagination sometimes. I'm aware that that's just how my brain works- it's all over the place and I don't have the "moral filter" that other people seem to have that would cause me to repress or revile these thoughts.

It sounds like what's happening to you goes a little beyond "what would happen if..." but only you can answer that. And I agree with Sandy and Crystal, it's best to err on the side of caution.

Sandy4957
07-06-12, 12:27 AM
Ocyan,

You realize that the concerns that we're expressing here aren't about judging you, but about thinking through the risks and potential consequences, right?

I mean, in many ways, this thread isn't all that different from the one where an ADDF member copped to using his phone all the time while driving. We're just seeing the danger and thinking about what's best for our fellow member. It happens that those concerns ALSO extend to others who might be hurt, as well.

Point is, you've been forthright, and then you withdrew, perhaps because you didn't like what you heard, but I can't believe that you're hearing much different from anyone else, other than, say, someone who is not as honest with himself as you've been.

I'll let you know when I hear from my friend, but I did like the looks of that one program that I sent you. :)

Gilthranon
07-06-12, 08:18 AM
I completely understand. But actually, I do have one compulse. It definitely is a paraphilia, but most definitely not a dangerous (at least not for others than me) one. It certainly very extreme, but also very popular depending on the persons but in my case it is a rare unlimited form of that extremity.

It is like ana futura said, like Sandy said ; I am not backing off. I'm analysing the urge, and being completely honest with myself. And do I have other fantasies ? Like having said ; the one and the really strongest.

Yes I am in therapy. I will use and help provided. But I know the severity of the case is smaller than it has grown to be. No I don't represent any danger around kids. It's not nearly close to that extremity. I'm not backing off, I'm being realistic with who I am. Besides, I know with my social anxieties chances are small I'd give in to any impulses.

Yes I hate the relevance of the case this thread on this forum has grown to be and the image it has created. My intention was basically to inform about other people's possible paraphilias...

I'm not ungrateful, on the contrary, I can't thank enough - and if besides the help proposed somebody does happen to exhibit a rare fantasy - I'm dead curious !

itsanADHDthing
07-15-12, 10:58 PM
I like teenage girls ;) but I am a teenager :P
Not in a gross sick twisted way. In a "hey, we're about the same age, lets get to know each other."
and not like 13 year old girls either. 16+ (I am 18)