Ok. Now I have a huge question that I am pondering. I am not sure if I should act the way I have done in the past. I neeeeeeeed advice/comments/anything!

My best friend (he has adhd) is planning to marry a girl and she is moving into his place like any moment now. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know much about our friendship, given I'm mainly e (long distance), but I do know that she is very jealous indeed.

I know he wants her to be happy, but I also realize that as soon as she finds out about me, she will become furious etc and he will tell me we can't be friends any more.

I hate waiting. I hate the feeling this woman has control over me and I'm just waiting for the slaughter or whatever she decides to do with me. In the past I would have said "I'm outa here", but this guy is so my best friend that I am hesitating.

1) should I bolt?

2) should I measure my neck for the noose in advance so noone is uncomfortable about having to measure my neck when the time comes?

3) should I pretend like nothing different is going on and wait for the scene to end all scenes?

I know he cares for her a lot and I know he wants her to be happy, so I really feel I have no options except wait for death or kill myself, metaphorically speaking.

Ideas, cigarettes, tiparillos?

Send this post to your friend fore starters and let him know up front how you feel

But what do I know

Actually I did talk to him about it, he finds some of that deeper stuff hard but he did give it a go...in the end, after talking about respecting everyone concerned and stuff, he said we'd have to see what happens and that anything could happen.

I'm too close to the trees or I'm seeing them but I don't want to look.

My first response would be; Hang in there, let him know you'll be there for him...but don't sabatoge his relationship either. You want what will make him happy, right?
Are you thinking she isn't right for him because she is so jealous?

My 2nd response is stay busy pretend he's not in your life anymore till he misses you.

3rd response is what kind of true friend would hide you & your friendship, anyway?


So guess I'm just guessing and have no right to give advice...but when has that ever stopped anyone?

How are you imagining her moving in will change things, if you've always had an e -long distance relationship?

Personally, if I were you I'd stay as busy as I could possibly be; visit friends/relatives you haven't seen in a while, go on a road trip, start a hobby you've been putting off.

Most importantly--Do something FOR YOU.

Hang in there and let us know how you do, ok?

Hey, Charlie, I'm here ASKING for advice, something I can compare with my own thinking maybe something I haven't already gone around in circles wtih, so please don't hold back on my account.

I do want what would make him happy, but I feel either I'm there or I'm gone, I'm not about to hide and he has not suggested this at all, in fact, he's more what will be will be, but I think what he knows is that his fiancee will likely object to me. Would he stick up for me and say, hey, she's my friend and if you can't accept that, dear, too bad??? I'm not sure because I know he wouldn't subject her to anything she really objected to.

Plus I think somewhere Paulbf said his wife was #1, so I guess I'm toast.

I would have hoped he'd marry someone who was not jealous, because that would be better for ME!!!!!

When she moves in, he's going to be very busy with her and they'll want to fix up the house and he'll be wrapped up in the husband/wife stuff. Basically I have no idea if/when he will even think about me enough to miss me. He probably will not even get on his pc to check for messages, will have his cell phone turned off and what is left is the phone, which she will answer, if I call. (she lived with him for a couple of weeks before and I could hardly get hold of him at all). I'm guessing it will almost be impossible to get his attention for an unknown period of time. He's not medicated and gets really wrapped up in whatever whenever, but his time was his own before so he could spread it around as he chose.

Well I do have a new hobby. Maybe i'll just invest more and lose myself in it for a few weeks. Just as well since he'll be completely distracted and I'll just be stewing in my own juices. even if it is over, I know he wouldn't want me to be feeling pain. It's just not his thing.

Lord how I loathe indecision. I've ended more relationships which were floundering in wishy washy cause i can't stand the stress of not knowing yes no yes no yes no. DECIDE!!!! Are we going for it or not? Am I expendible or not? At some point I don't CARE what the decision is as long as there IS one. Ok. Bubble bath time.

I'm so glad you answered so nicely

I was trying to get it out of my head that I had been too cold & snippy to you:(

Glad you didn't take it that way! Whew

I totally relate to your indecision comment! That's why I chose an abusive relationship, in part because it was comfortable to have someone else make ALL the decisions:(
It happened gradually I wasn't a wuss-doormat at first, took over 5 of the 18 years to get me to think very little of my self worth.

I'll share the only thing that's ever made me strong having someone rely on me.
Growing up I was the oldest so I was the mother-breadmaker-protector and I was a dynamo at it.

Then what finally made me strong enough to end the X abusive relationship--truthfully I'll always love the guy SICK HUH!---but I KNOW he's UNhealthy for me--but so much more importantly unhealthy for my children.

When physical abuse started to escalate with our oldest, then 7 yrs old...

Bottom line don't ever let anyone treat you the way you would not want either your son to treat his woman or your daughter to be treated.

Would you want your daughter wondering if she was expendable with this one?

Ya never know who is going to be that one life partner
You want to be in a relationship with someone that treats you good enough to bring home to your family or your friends, with no 'I hope he doesn't embarrass me this time' or whatever 2nd guessing/worrying his behavior might cause you to feel.

Surround yourself with people who treat you good and if one of those ends up being THE ONE, perfect. If not you'll have invested in friends who will help you thru all the trolls you meet in the meantime;)

As soon as one of the frogs shows his troll colors -cut him/her out of your life, you have no more time to spend wasting on him.
Be too busy, life's too damn short!

I'm thinking unless your new hobby includes a change of environment it might be too easy to mope a little. CHANGE something about your routine &/or environment that always works for me, anyway.

ok mother-charlie off the soap box of hard knock wisdom
why do you think I'm such a hermit I have no time for anyone other than my children, someday maybe, maybe not. I'm happy with critters and kids no pain.

good girl bath & bubbles is a good first step, spoil YOU! You deserve it!!!

I didn't think you were being snippy at all, or else I've been snippy to a huge number of people myself and didn't know it!

I appreciate some bluntness and straightforwardness, because that is something firm that I can ricochet my thoughts on. Funny as you were mulling this over, I was mulling over that I didnt' much like what he said to me, "wait and see" stuff. Heck, if someone's a friend then they are and if your selected spouse is a jealous freak then they really need to get their act together, that's the bottom line. You can't be demanding your spouse dump all their friends, and if you are the spouse you can't be dumping all your friends because your partner is a jealous freak. You are just being controlled by them.

I mean REALLY!

Right.

can i just please ask you a question

What make you think that she will become furious, etc. and he will tell you that you can't be friends any more.

As i see it could be the opposite, You could very well become good friends.

If you don't know each other yet(correct me if i am wrong but that's how i have read it) try to make the effort to get to know her let her know that you are not a threat to her or to her relationship with your friend.

you may find that she will be glad of someone to share issues of her future husbands add with, someone that understands them and will look to you for friendship and advice.

you could end up with two best friends rolled into one, I don't think you should look at it as you maybe loosing your best friend but if you are not even going to try to become friend with his future wife this is maybe what will happen.

I think so because he told me she was hugely jealous and of some of the things she had been upset about even before they were dating.

Basically, he is her solution to help her achieve a certain legal goal and that is why he agreed to marry her. I think that is what makes her so jealous, because if she loses him, she has no "solution" any more. Once she is married, I think she may be very demanding, as he says she is a very strong woman who knows what she wants.

For his sake, I am prepared to be polite and pleasant even very pleasant, but for using him, no I won't be her friend until I see her true stripes. He has told me often how he goes to the nth degree for friends but they always use him and lose him and it seems to me this is the same all over again.

If she hurts him I will feel positively murderous, but I haven't said that to him. Anyway, I could very likely have the boot by then. ha ha rats.

Your point is very well taken though, I was more concerned with her freaking and me being gone than what I could do to ensure I dont' get the toss.

Have you ever thought about talking to her? Does she know anything about you being in the picture?

Hmmm. I have no idea what I would say in a real "talk". She has so much power over me right now that I don't think I can deal with it effectively. I could be pleasant in passing tho.

I doubt he's told her very much. She knows my name though, but he has lots of friends.

How does one react when your best friend says: everything will be cool unless she doesn't like you and then I will have to end our relationship, but lets just play along for now and see what happens.

I know he lives for stimulation. I wonder if unintentionally this situation is feeding that, like a LOT.

I'll be fine. I just hate my role right now. Powerless. But if I'm not respected the way I need to be, I can always walk away.

Crime scene: One question: reading between the lines, is there more to this relationship from your end than "just friends" 'cause it sure does sound like it?

That said, my "boyfriend" in college was one of the two true loves of my life though I knew I would never be able to have him to myself as he was such a player. But for some reason unknown to me, he designated himself my personal protector and was the only person I could turn to after a horific personal experience. My ADD problems were extensive at the time (and undx'd of course), but I would never have made it through college without his support. Even my best friend described that relationship as " the most bazaar relationship I have ever seen" 23 years later. "He couldn't have made it more clear that he did not want a steady girlfriend, but if you needed anything, a date for something, notes for a class, anything, he came running like a little puppy!" She summed it up well.

We've not been in touch since, but should our paths cross again, I'm sure I could depend on him to be a friend. You may be neglected for a bit as your friend adjusts to this new phase of his life, and a strong woman may be what he requires to keep his ADHD issues at bay, so hang in there. You will always be able to pick up where you left off if you are truly friends. I know this is true, those of us w/ADD are generally notorious for not staying in contact, but our true friends always take us back:-)

You might not have been around when I introduced my add connection to the forum, but yes, I totally love the guy but we are friends, by mutual decision I should add. Neither of us has good success with relationships. I think his fiancee is unbelieveably lucky, all the same, so I know I suffer from some envy into the mix too. What a mental soup. Yikes.

Yes, I was coming out of a very mentally threatening relationship when I met him and he was kind of my protector also. He will do almost anything for me I know and vice versa. I would say my friend is very similar to your boyfriend was, and we operate on total honesty so he has learned/experienced my less desireable side and vice versa, and we are still friends.

He knew I was still mentally thrashing around so he emailed me yesterday out of his going nuts preparation for arrival mode. It helped tremendously and I'm feeling much better indeed. Natch, I would take him back no question if i didnt hear from him for a while. No sense to lose a perfectly good best friend.:D

I'm really glad you shared that bit with me, I'm so amazed that our situations could be so similar.

And I can't help noticing the title of my thread and your ID are quite similar too...

I've read several of your posts where you've mentioned this friend of your's, and I was always tenderly touched by your affection for him, so reading this saddened me.

My thoughts are that if his fiance is a jealous person, then there is no way to continue your relationship with him. I think it would be inconsiderate of him to continue communication with you as it would hurt her feelings, and it would be inconsiderate of you to continue it (even if he was willing) for the same reason.
I look at this simply as a matter of respect for another person's position in someone's life, and respect for their feelings.

:(

I would suggest trying to get to know her separately from him. Take her to lunch and tell her how happy you are that he's marrying her and that you wish them both well.

We fear what we don't know. If she doesn't know you, she may indeed see you as some threat to her relationship. Jealously often masks insecurity so show her that you have no intention of undermining her marriage.

Your friend needs to do his part by telling her about his friends, including you. If I were her and my soon-to-be husband had some friend he was mysterious about, I might be a little jealous and worried, too.

My vote is walk away.

You are in a world of hurt and I do feel for you.

Will your friend be hurt in this marriage? Of course he will. Everyone one gets hurt in marriage. Sorry to be cynical, but I think that is part of the learning process.

You need to protect yourself from further pain, move on, and find someone who loves you as you deserve to be loved.

hmm. I am divided as i see both sides, more sides, but it is a lot to chew over. For once, my thinking part of me may not be as good...he'd laugh his proverbial behind off if he heard me say that I may have to just go with how I feel.

*only dead fish go with the flow*

Wow - that's what has made me write this:)

In life i think most of us sometimes have to go with the flow, I don't think that's bad for us though, it gives us time to think and others to as well, weigh the pro's and con's of situations we find ourselves in, give us a chance to breathe, I think this maybe one of those times to go with the flow as its so hard to predict what will happen, and i think its obvious you don't want to lose your friend.

Life is constantly changing and in this world and so does the circle of people we associate with change as time goes on, All i can tell you from my experience true friends never really disappear they maybe off the radar for a while but true friends are like the proverbial bad penny they always turn up.

I have only called a very few people in my life, best friends, others are just called friends, and my best friends have now been in my life for far to many years than i'd care to mention, but i don't see all of them all of the time, with the one i am thinking of in particular its has had gaps of two years or more between contact, yet when we see each other or speak to each other we both know that a lot of time has passed but it doesn't effect our friendship and its like it was only yesterday (but with lots of catching up to do) our feeling for each other don't change, I know that i will be there for her and she will be there for me when needed its just surprising how time fly's.

What i am saying really is, he is starting a new marriage, things are going to change that's how it is, but if he is really one of your best friend give it time, things have a funny way of sorting themselves out

clawless, what an interesting way to view my signature, i like that. To me it means I never give up. maybe the behaviour looks the same, this time, no matter which way you take it. :)

I've had....3 best friends in my life, and he is 33% of them, and I only have very few friends at one time, primarily I would call any other folks acquaintances with whom I'm friendly. A best friend is really worth something.

Your point is well taken, absolutely things are going to be different, they must. Over the last few days I've had the chance to read people's thoughtful responses and think about them all, I've also found my initial fear of getting nuked has subsided considerably. I've felt shock,worry, anger, sadness and depression, but I'm feeling more like I can experience whatever comes without either running away or detonating until things make sense to me.

go with the flow...this feels right for now, and I'm no dead fish....:p

I love your signature, it make's you sound strong ;) Glad to hear your no dead fish:D

thanks!

<<GIGGLE>> Oh!! I suppose NOT being a dead fish, at first blush, wouldnt seem like a very good recommendation for a person.....:o ;)

One more thought:

My best friend has a boyfriend from high school with whom she exchanges xmas cards every year. He's in town about once every 8-10 years and stops by to say "hi". Her husband knows all about it. They have met for lunch a time or two.

She harbors no thoughts of cheating on her husband and has a good marriage. But she says you never know what things may happen in the future and he's a comfortable security blanket of sorts.

Who could possibly have a problem with a xmas card? And it is that time of year...

Funny, I've already sent one to both of them. :)

And the big doodoo fan hitting thing never happened. Everything is all no big deal and friendly. Sheesh. Dunno about the future, but at least I know where I'm at right now, and that's leaps from where I was originally, thanks to everyone.